Two and a Half Men s04e03 Episode Script
The Sea is a Harsh Mistress
Yo dude what up? Just follow my lead Oh this is awesome Eh it's just a little surf shack where I keep my board beer and brother How they breakin' today Bro-heim? How are what breaking? He smokes way too much weed The waves Poindexter Oh oh the waves the waves are knarly? Well all right let's hit it Oh I intend to Why don't you head out I'll throw on my suit and meet you there Awesome Mm bodacious and tubular Uh excuse me Moon Doggie- quick question.
Yeah You don't surf do you? Not a bit So how did Gidget get the idea you were the Big Kahuna? I hold her I hang ten and I guess she misunderstood You're going to Hell you know I don't think so I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex You really want to drag God into this? Who gave me the penis Alan? Since when do you have a wet suit? Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks If I lived next to Jellystone Park I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket Would you get the door? Oopsie Smooth So just out of curiosity how exactly do you plan to pull this off? Simple- paddle out yell "shark" and paddle in So you've thought this through? I'm not an idiot Whoopsie Over here What happened? I don't know This tiny wave came at us I let it go He screamed like a girl and fell off his board I had to give him mouth-to-mouth he swallowed a lot of water He's going to be okay? I think so He tried slipping me the tongue Charlie can you hear me? Sha What? Sha I think he's trying to say shark" Want something to drink? Oh yeah Ugh What is this? Water Are you crazy? I almost drowned in that stuff Where's my little hard body? He took off with that girl you brought home Other than that your plan worked like a charm Fine Go ahead and mock me But I could have died out there Well the sea is a harsh mistress And you're a moron What? You said to mock you It's no joke Alan Oh come on You tried to scam your way into a surf bunny's shorts and ended up French kissing a handsome young lifeguard How is that not a joke? It's not a joke because Something happened out there while I was drowning What did your entire sordid, degenerate life flash before your eyes? I wish No no no It was Oh you're not going to believe me Try me I saw Dad Oh baloney You know what? Just forget it.
Oh come on it was probably just a hallucination caused by you know brain cells dying No I'm used to that Thisas no hallucination Dad was right there in the water with me All right, all right, for the sake of argument let's assume that you saw the spirit of our dead father What did he do reach a hand out to guide you to the great beyond? Don't be ridiculous He didn't have hands It was just his head kind of floating there like the great powerful Oz Or one of the Pep Boys Wow Manny Moe or Jack? Jack And he spoke to me Oh oh you were able to hear him underwater? How weird Oh that's the part that bumps you? I'm just saying that you were able to hear him because you were imagining it It was in your head No Oh no In a million years my mind could not have made up what he said to me What'd he say? Something that made my blood run cold What? Never mind I probably heard him wrong Charlie Please don't make me say it Come on Charlie I am your brother Whatever it was, we'll deal with it together He said "Take care of your mother" Good luck with that Hey Dad said you almost drowned today Yep Are you okay now? I'm fine Can I ask you a question? Sure It's about what happens when you die Okay Who gets your car? Go away You're right Not a good time to ask So what you doing? Thinking about Dad Yeah about that I was wondering when you saw him assuming you saw him did he ask about me? No He just said "Take are of your mother" Huh Didn't didn't mention me at all? Nope Typical Oh here we go I'm just saying the guy doesn't get in touch for 30 years- it wouldn't kill him to throw in a quick "Hello, Alan" Dead or alive that's just rude Tell you what Why don't you go fill up the tub I'll hold your head under the water till the bubbles stop and then you can tell him how offended you are Oh no I have nothing to say to him now How does he expect me to take care of her? I don't know Why don't you try treating her like a human being? Nah that can't be it What if I put her in an assisted-living facility? That's ridiculous She's a healthy woman I'm not saying she wouldn't put up a fight But hey crumble up a few Xanax in her mimosa and we could probably coax her into a cave full of bats I don't think that's what Dad meant How do you know? Did he talk to you? No he talked to me Sure rub my nose in it How about this- when was the last time you called her just to see how she was doing? Uh what's today Sunday? Then never Why don't you start with that? Okay Fine Remember her number? I've got it on speed dial Cute huh? Hey Mom it's Charlie Nothing's the matter I just called to see how you're doing No I'm not drunk I was just thinking about you and I thought I'd call I swear to God I'm not drunk Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers You happy? So what's going on? I haven't talked to you in awhi Well I'm talking to you now Okay Okay Okay Okay Excuse me? Okay Okay Okay So everything okay? I'm taking her to lunch tomorrow Voluntarily? Wow you must have really had a spiritual experience out there Let's face it Alan when Dad was alive I was a rotten son Oh you sure were You were horrible Boy I remember the time The point is maybe I've got a chance to make up for it now He wants me to take care of Mom then that's what we're going to do Well that-that's gr Wait a minute did you say "we"? I'm not going Fine Next time I see our father's floating head I'm going to tell him you refused to help I'm going to tell him I'm going to tell him God, you're such a child So you're coming? Yeah I can't tell you what a treat it is to have lunch with my two favorite sons.
You have others? It's an expression Charlie Although I do sponsor a little boy in Africa No kidding? Oh yes Little Mobutu He's in the middle of a civil war and I still hear from him more than you Hey Alan tell Mom what that little rascal Jake's been up to He hasn't been up to anything Okay So I think I'll go to the bathroom Why? What do you mean why? I have to go When was the last time you had a prostate exam? Feels like I'm having one now I'm just expressing concern for your health You don't have to get snippy I'm not being snippy Is it just me or is he snippy? Try living with him Excuse me All right what's going on? What makes you think something's going on? When one of my sons calls me for no reason and agrees to take me to lunch something heinous is going on Hey, I took you to lunch two weeks ago for no reason other than I love you Oh yes the tacky little chain restaurant in the Valley That fish shot out of me like there was a fire drill The point is I love you The point is I lost four pounds in two days Well you do look thinner It's too late for flattery darling Now what is going on with your brother? I don't think he'd be very happy with me if I told you Sweetheart, you're not his favorite person now Okay here's the thing Charlie almost drowned yesterday Oh dear Lord I've told him over and over again two drinks max in the hot tub No he was surfing In the hot tub? In the ocean Start again He was trying to impress some girl Ah oh okay Like the time he broke his nose playing tetherball Exactly Anyway he was convinced he was near death and that he saw Dad He saw your father? Wow How'd he look? Uh he was just kind of a floating head Yeah that's pretty much how I remember him Fairly useless from the neck down Anyway Dad told Charlie to take care of you Really? Anything else? Nope that's it Just for him to take care of you It's like I might as well not even exist Oh Alan you can't take that personally First of all Charlie was a planned baby What was I? Well dear you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom I had a nice solid stream of urine thank you very much What? My prostate is fine What kind of table talk is that? You're the one that brought it up It doesn't matter who brought it up I don't want to hear about it when I'm eating You know what? This lunch was a bad idea No don't say that darling It was a wonderful idea If I'm being ungracious I apologize All right let's call it "ungracious" but we all know what we're thinking I guess I'm just a little edgy because well No never mind What? Forget it My problems are my problems I don't expect you to "take care" of me.
Mom, just for the sake of argument, let's say that I "wanted" to take care of you.
What's going on? Nothing I'm just having a little minor surgery tomorrow What kind of surgery? It's a woman thing Is there anything I can do? Just keep me in your prayers No no no I will drive you there and then take you back to my place so you can recuperate Oh, sweetheart that's very generous but I don't want to be a burden Mom, please that ship has sailed Well, then I accept Thank you Who buys condoms at a gas station?! Watch your step here Thank you darling What happened to your mouth? I just had a little procedure What kind of procedure? They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips What did they do use the whole ass? They're just a little swollen In two days they'll be plump luscious and ready for action What boy doesn't like hearing that from his mother? Charlie, I need to sit down Okay got you covered I thought you said it was a woman thing You know any guys dumb enough to do this Good Lord! What'd you do fellate a beehive? Fellate? I read.
I can conjugate Man, the last time I saw a mouth like that it was trying to eat Jacques Cousteau Here you go Mom nice bite-sized pieces Thank you darling Dad said you got your butt in your lips Just eat your dinner Hang on So if you burp now it'd really be a fart right? Eat Charlie my doughnut's too soft So Jake has your mother succeeded in turning you against me yet? Mom What you don't think she talks? You don't think he listens? Trust me Alan even the mind of a dull child can be poisoned by a malicious parent Can we just please change the subject? Although, I must say I prefer your mother to that postpubescent knucklehead your father replaced her with Okay okay that's it What? I changed the subject Come on Jake We're going to the movies On a school night? Why not? You're flunking anyway Wait wait wait.
You're just leaving me? You're taking care of Mom, remember? That's not fair? You got a complaint? Take it to the floating head So how's work? Fine You seeing anybody special? Nope Charlie did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained because you won't let me in.
You won't share You know why I won't share with you, Mom? Because anything I say will be used against me Oh please I have go to the bathroom? Maybe I have a prostate problem I buy a new Mercedes you call it a Nazi phallic symbol I'm seeing someone new you ask if I'm paying her by the hour or per shtup Charlie when I say those things it's because I want to help you You're my son I want you to be the best you can be I appreciate that but you can stop worrying I'm doing fine I am the best I can be Oh, darling that just breaks my heart Why would he do this to me? "Take care of your mother.
" Not like she ever took care of him She nagged him humiliated him emasculate him The main reason he died so young is 'cause he wanted to Charlie! My donut's soft again Be right there Why? Why do you want me to take care of her? Charlie! I'm coming! Come on Talk to me Give me a sign ROSE Marry that cute girl down the beach.
Rose Yes that's her name You know what? You can tell me in person because I am this close to sticking my tongue in a light socket! ROSE Why don't you stick your tongue in my mouth instead? ROSE I mean, Rose's mouth.
What are you watching? Some old gangster movie Any good? Not really Just gives me a warm feeling to know that all those young beautiful actors are now dead MAN The dame knows too much Want I should take care of her, boss? Yeah take care of her but make it look like an accident Don't worry about a thing I'll take care of her Sorry I misunderstood What's that dear? Nothing Hi Hello I don't know if you remember me but I'm the one who pulled you out of the ocean the other day Oh right, right right Thanks It's okay it's my job Well I'm-I'm glad you did it Anyway I was just checking in on you, see how you're doing I'm doing fine Good So you want to walk down to the pier maybe grab a cup of coffee? Gee uh I don't know Charlie it's time to change my butt dressing Ah what the hell.
Let's go
Yeah You don't surf do you? Not a bit So how did Gidget get the idea you were the Big Kahuna? I hold her I hang ten and I guess she misunderstood You're going to Hell you know I don't think so I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex You really want to drag God into this? Who gave me the penis Alan? Since when do you have a wet suit? Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks If I lived next to Jellystone Park I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket Would you get the door? Oopsie Smooth So just out of curiosity how exactly do you plan to pull this off? Simple- paddle out yell "shark" and paddle in So you've thought this through? I'm not an idiot Whoopsie Over here What happened? I don't know This tiny wave came at us I let it go He screamed like a girl and fell off his board I had to give him mouth-to-mouth he swallowed a lot of water He's going to be okay? I think so He tried slipping me the tongue Charlie can you hear me? Sha What? Sha I think he's trying to say shark" Want something to drink? Oh yeah Ugh What is this? Water Are you crazy? I almost drowned in that stuff Where's my little hard body? He took off with that girl you brought home Other than that your plan worked like a charm Fine Go ahead and mock me But I could have died out there Well the sea is a harsh mistress And you're a moron What? You said to mock you It's no joke Alan Oh come on You tried to scam your way into a surf bunny's shorts and ended up French kissing a handsome young lifeguard How is that not a joke? It's not a joke because Something happened out there while I was drowning What did your entire sordid, degenerate life flash before your eyes? I wish No no no It was Oh you're not going to believe me Try me I saw Dad Oh baloney You know what? Just forget it.
Oh come on it was probably just a hallucination caused by you know brain cells dying No I'm used to that Thisas no hallucination Dad was right there in the water with me All right, all right, for the sake of argument let's assume that you saw the spirit of our dead father What did he do reach a hand out to guide you to the great beyond? Don't be ridiculous He didn't have hands It was just his head kind of floating there like the great powerful Oz Or one of the Pep Boys Wow Manny Moe or Jack? Jack And he spoke to me Oh oh you were able to hear him underwater? How weird Oh that's the part that bumps you? I'm just saying that you were able to hear him because you were imagining it It was in your head No Oh no In a million years my mind could not have made up what he said to me What'd he say? Something that made my blood run cold What? Never mind I probably heard him wrong Charlie Please don't make me say it Come on Charlie I am your brother Whatever it was, we'll deal with it together He said "Take care of your mother" Good luck with that Hey Dad said you almost drowned today Yep Are you okay now? I'm fine Can I ask you a question? Sure It's about what happens when you die Okay Who gets your car? Go away You're right Not a good time to ask So what you doing? Thinking about Dad Yeah about that I was wondering when you saw him assuming you saw him did he ask about me? No He just said "Take are of your mother" Huh Didn't didn't mention me at all? Nope Typical Oh here we go I'm just saying the guy doesn't get in touch for 30 years- it wouldn't kill him to throw in a quick "Hello, Alan" Dead or alive that's just rude Tell you what Why don't you go fill up the tub I'll hold your head under the water till the bubbles stop and then you can tell him how offended you are Oh no I have nothing to say to him now How does he expect me to take care of her? I don't know Why don't you try treating her like a human being? Nah that can't be it What if I put her in an assisted-living facility? That's ridiculous She's a healthy woman I'm not saying she wouldn't put up a fight But hey crumble up a few Xanax in her mimosa and we could probably coax her into a cave full of bats I don't think that's what Dad meant How do you know? Did he talk to you? No he talked to me Sure rub my nose in it How about this- when was the last time you called her just to see how she was doing? Uh what's today Sunday? Then never Why don't you start with that? Okay Fine Remember her number? I've got it on speed dial Cute huh? Hey Mom it's Charlie Nothing's the matter I just called to see how you're doing No I'm not drunk I was just thinking about you and I thought I'd call I swear to God I'm not drunk Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers You happy? So what's going on? I haven't talked to you in awhi Well I'm talking to you now Okay Okay Okay Okay Excuse me? Okay Okay Okay So everything okay? I'm taking her to lunch tomorrow Voluntarily? Wow you must have really had a spiritual experience out there Let's face it Alan when Dad was alive I was a rotten son Oh you sure were You were horrible Boy I remember the time The point is maybe I've got a chance to make up for it now He wants me to take care of Mom then that's what we're going to do Well that-that's gr Wait a minute did you say "we"? I'm not going Fine Next time I see our father's floating head I'm going to tell him you refused to help I'm going to tell him I'm going to tell him God, you're such a child So you're coming? Yeah I can't tell you what a treat it is to have lunch with my two favorite sons.
You have others? It's an expression Charlie Although I do sponsor a little boy in Africa No kidding? Oh yes Little Mobutu He's in the middle of a civil war and I still hear from him more than you Hey Alan tell Mom what that little rascal Jake's been up to He hasn't been up to anything Okay So I think I'll go to the bathroom Why? What do you mean why? I have to go When was the last time you had a prostate exam? Feels like I'm having one now I'm just expressing concern for your health You don't have to get snippy I'm not being snippy Is it just me or is he snippy? Try living with him Excuse me All right what's going on? What makes you think something's going on? When one of my sons calls me for no reason and agrees to take me to lunch something heinous is going on Hey, I took you to lunch two weeks ago for no reason other than I love you Oh yes the tacky little chain restaurant in the Valley That fish shot out of me like there was a fire drill The point is I love you The point is I lost four pounds in two days Well you do look thinner It's too late for flattery darling Now what is going on with your brother? I don't think he'd be very happy with me if I told you Sweetheart, you're not his favorite person now Okay here's the thing Charlie almost drowned yesterday Oh dear Lord I've told him over and over again two drinks max in the hot tub No he was surfing In the hot tub? In the ocean Start again He was trying to impress some girl Ah oh okay Like the time he broke his nose playing tetherball Exactly Anyway he was convinced he was near death and that he saw Dad He saw your father? Wow How'd he look? Uh he was just kind of a floating head Yeah that's pretty much how I remember him Fairly useless from the neck down Anyway Dad told Charlie to take care of you Really? Anything else? Nope that's it Just for him to take care of you It's like I might as well not even exist Oh Alan you can't take that personally First of all Charlie was a planned baby What was I? Well dear you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom I had a nice solid stream of urine thank you very much What? My prostate is fine What kind of table talk is that? You're the one that brought it up It doesn't matter who brought it up I don't want to hear about it when I'm eating You know what? This lunch was a bad idea No don't say that darling It was a wonderful idea If I'm being ungracious I apologize All right let's call it "ungracious" but we all know what we're thinking I guess I'm just a little edgy because well No never mind What? Forget it My problems are my problems I don't expect you to "take care" of me.
Mom, just for the sake of argument, let's say that I "wanted" to take care of you.
What's going on? Nothing I'm just having a little minor surgery tomorrow What kind of surgery? It's a woman thing Is there anything I can do? Just keep me in your prayers No no no I will drive you there and then take you back to my place so you can recuperate Oh, sweetheart that's very generous but I don't want to be a burden Mom, please that ship has sailed Well, then I accept Thank you Who buys condoms at a gas station?! Watch your step here Thank you darling What happened to your mouth? I just had a little procedure What kind of procedure? They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips What did they do use the whole ass? They're just a little swollen In two days they'll be plump luscious and ready for action What boy doesn't like hearing that from his mother? Charlie, I need to sit down Okay got you covered I thought you said it was a woman thing You know any guys dumb enough to do this Good Lord! What'd you do fellate a beehive? Fellate? I read.
I can conjugate Man, the last time I saw a mouth like that it was trying to eat Jacques Cousteau Here you go Mom nice bite-sized pieces Thank you darling Dad said you got your butt in your lips Just eat your dinner Hang on So if you burp now it'd really be a fart right? Eat Charlie my doughnut's too soft So Jake has your mother succeeded in turning you against me yet? Mom What you don't think she talks? You don't think he listens? Trust me Alan even the mind of a dull child can be poisoned by a malicious parent Can we just please change the subject? Although, I must say I prefer your mother to that postpubescent knucklehead your father replaced her with Okay okay that's it What? I changed the subject Come on Jake We're going to the movies On a school night? Why not? You're flunking anyway Wait wait wait.
You're just leaving me? You're taking care of Mom, remember? That's not fair? You got a complaint? Take it to the floating head So how's work? Fine You seeing anybody special? Nope Charlie did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained because you won't let me in.
You won't share You know why I won't share with you, Mom? Because anything I say will be used against me Oh please I have go to the bathroom? Maybe I have a prostate problem I buy a new Mercedes you call it a Nazi phallic symbol I'm seeing someone new you ask if I'm paying her by the hour or per shtup Charlie when I say those things it's because I want to help you You're my son I want you to be the best you can be I appreciate that but you can stop worrying I'm doing fine I am the best I can be Oh, darling that just breaks my heart Why would he do this to me? "Take care of your mother.
" Not like she ever took care of him She nagged him humiliated him emasculate him The main reason he died so young is 'cause he wanted to Charlie! My donut's soft again Be right there Why? Why do you want me to take care of her? Charlie! I'm coming! Come on Talk to me Give me a sign ROSE Marry that cute girl down the beach.
Rose Yes that's her name You know what? You can tell me in person because I am this close to sticking my tongue in a light socket! ROSE Why don't you stick your tongue in my mouth instead? ROSE I mean, Rose's mouth.
What are you watching? Some old gangster movie Any good? Not really Just gives me a warm feeling to know that all those young beautiful actors are now dead MAN The dame knows too much Want I should take care of her, boss? Yeah take care of her but make it look like an accident Don't worry about a thing I'll take care of her Sorry I misunderstood What's that dear? Nothing Hi Hello I don't know if you remember me but I'm the one who pulled you out of the ocean the other day Oh right, right right Thanks It's okay it's my job Well I'm-I'm glad you did it Anyway I was just checking in on you, see how you're doing I'm doing fine Good So you want to walk down to the pier maybe grab a cup of coffee? Gee uh I don't know Charlie it's time to change my butt dressing Ah what the hell.
Let's go