Two Doors Down (2016) s04e03 Episode Script
Hospital
1 This programme contains strong language O'Neill, gall bladder, three o'clock.
Sorry? Christine O'Neill, gall bladder operation scheduled for three o'clock with Mr Lee.
Wait, and I'll have a wee look for you.
One M, two Ls.
Last visit, A&E Saturday night, very tickly cough.
Right.
Come on, Beth.
Let's go.
No, we'll wait till they've checked her in, Cathy.
No allergies as such, but I don't like white sugar in my coffee.
Just leave her, she's happy.
Uh, will you be all right, Christine? Oh, yes, and thanks for the lift, Beth.
Sorry I didn't have any pound coins.
Ah, it's OK.
Shame we had to stop at the Costa, but they did specify a totally empty bowel.
No, no bother.
Right, come on! Hope it goes really well, Christine.
Oh, bless you, Cathy, but I'll tell you all about it when I see you tonight.
Sorry? Well, I'll be through and waiting by the time you get to visiting hour.
Oh, no - sorry, Christine, I can't come tonight.
I'mI'm busy.
What with? Many, many things.
Butbut Beth will come and see you, won't you? She loves hospitals.
Um Oh, thanks, Beth.
Don't bother with any flowers, just an orange Lucozade and a copy of Take A Break.
OK, Mrs O'Neill, if I could just have your signature there, please.
Thank you.
Actually, Beth, fuck it - bring us a wee bunch of carnations for the BP.
# Mmm mm mm mm # Mmm mm mm mm # Mmm mm mm mm mm mm # Oh oh oh oh # Oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh.
I still don't see why it's us that had to come.
We can't leave her on her own with no visitors, Eric.
But what about Pat? Is she not coming? No.
Why not? She's in the southern.
Listen, we'll not stay that long, will we? I mean, I've still go and eat dinner.
Not that long, no.
She'll still be tired, anyway.
We'll stop and pick you up something on the way home.
SNORING Hello.
I think she's sleeping.
Aye.
We should just go.
She's sound.
Well, better not disturb her.
Come on.
Just leave the bags.
She'll get them when she wakes up.
LIGHT SNORING Did you get the Lucozade? Oh, God.
Hi, Christine.
SHE LAUGHS Yes, it's all there.
Oh, bless you, Beth.
Bless you.
Was I asleep, was I? I think so.
What time is it? Just after seven.
At night? Yes, at night.
Oh, I've lost all track.
Do you want us just to leave you to rest? No, no, come in.
Come in.
So, how are you feeling? Oh, not bad.
A bit uncomfortable.
Well, that's to be expected, I suppose.
Are you sore? Hmm, a wee bit.
Well, at least it's done.
Eh? The operation.
At least it's done.
Oh, no - I've not had it.
You what? I've not had it yet.
They put it back to first thing tomorrow morning.
I thought you were sleeping off the anaesthetic.
No, I'm sleeping off the steak pie I had for my dinner.
What? 12 hours with no food and then a dirty big steak pie - you'd conk out as well.
Oh, wait till I get myself sat up here.
So, why have they delayed it? Mr Lee got bogged down with a cyst.
Oh, dear.
So, they said I could either reschedule for next Tuesday, or I could overnight and get it done in the morning.
Did you not fancy waiting until Tuesday? Tuesday's soup and a sandwich day, Beth.
I mean, that's not even a proper lunch.
Hey.
Oh, here she is, my wee angel.
This is Heather.
Hi, there.
Hello, there.
This is my lovely neighbour and her husband.
Yeah, how you doing? I'm good, thanks.
I've been hearing lots about you.
Oh.
Oh, right! All good, I hope.
Yeah.
Uh, I've just been filling them in the situation, Heather.
Oh, right.
Heather was the one that had to break the news to me.
Do you get specially trained in how to have these difficult conversations, Heather? No, no, not really.
Well, you did very well.
We both kept it together, didn't we? Yeah.
So, listen, I came to check you were all OK in here.
Oh, we are fine, honey.
Don't you worry about us.
You've got enough on your plate, I'm sure.
They're run off their feet in here, Beth.
OK, I'll leave yous to it.
Heather.
Yes? Is there any chance of another pillow for my back here, is there? Sure.
Oh, and Heather, the batteries in this remote control are on their way out.
It's triple As, just the wee tottie ones.
I'll have a wee look.
Oh, and Heather! Yes? What time's the toast coming round? I'll check and see.
Oh, she seems nice.
Oh, she's a wee star.
Not like that other one.
Which one? Oh, the big redheaded one.
Oh, she's a right nippy sweetie heart.
Is she? Aye.
Told me off for buzzing her through for mustard.
Uh, wewe brought you a few wee things just tojust to keep you going.
Oh, bless you.
And those flowers you asked for - we just need to find something to put them in.
Oh, yeah.
I think there's a wee vase in that cupboard there.
Eric, see if you can find it, will you? There we are.
Just shove that stuff in there while you're at it.
You'll have to make a wee bit of room first, though.
Um Shift that stuff onto the bottom shelf, Eric.
That's just my things to put on when I get out.
If I'd known you were staying in another night, I could have brought you up some clothes.
Oh, no, those pants were fresh on this morning, Beth.
Urgh.
Hi.
Oh, hello again.
Um, II was just rejigging some things in the cupboard and, uh, I'm moving these out the way.
Oh, right.
OK.
I brought your pillow.
Oh, thanks, honey, thanks.
Just down at my back there.
That's it.
How's that? Hmm, have you not got anything firmer? Um Aye, that's it.
Just give it a good puffing up, then.
There we go.
How's that for you? It'll do for now.
Right, anything else you need? No, no, we're fine, thank you.
OK.
Here, Heather.
Yes? Thanks, honey.
Well, it's good you've got your own room, isn't it? Oh, well, they did have me in the ward at first, but when this room came up, everyone insisted that I should get it.
Hmm.
It's all changed from when your mum was here, Eric.
Oh, aye, aye, it was all wards then.
Oh, you get no privacy in a ward.
I know.
Remember last year when I was in with my toe, Beth? Yes.
There was a poor man in the bed next to me, was getting his stomach shaved before his operation, and they didn't even have a curtain up round him.
Dear God! I know.
I recorded the whole thing on my phone.
One thing about the ward is at least you have some people to chat to.
Well, I did get talking to the woman in the next room there.
A lovely woman.
Her daughter lives down south, so she's no had anybody, any visitor.
Oh, that's a shame.
I said that you would pop in and see if there was anything that she needed.
Hmm.
KNOCK ON DOOR Oh! Here she is.
Oh, hi, Colin.
Hi, Colin.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Oh, II was just in having a wee brain scan.
But they couldn't find one.
Awful! THEY LAUGH Oh, wait, I'll just take a wee squirt of this antibacterial stuff here.
Can't be too careful, eh? Yeah.
Nice of you to come, Colin.
Yeah.
So, how did it go? I've not had it yet.
You've what? It's been put back to tomorrow.
Oh, for God's sake! I know, very stressful day.
Stressful! She was lying sleeping off a steak pie when we came in.
Oh, dear.
You still got to stay over? Oh, yeah.
Absolute nightmare.
Here, Colin.
You have this chair, and I'll go and ask for another one.
Oh, well - make sure you get Heather.
Heather's the nice one, Colin.
She's done her degree and she's studying for her master's in public health as well as working in here full time.
Oh, really? Aye.
Remind her about that toast, will you, Beth? Yeah, it's not a bad wee set-up you've got here.
Oh, I can't complain Colin, I can't complain.
I mean, I would have preferred a quilt as opposed to the blankets, but I don't like to make a fuss.
Is that an en-suite, is it? It is, aye.
Hey? Aye, not bad.
Oh, a shower as well.
You can just go from one to the other.
I tell you, it's quite spacious.
Well, it's designed for wheelchairs, isn't it? Oh, yes, everything's disabled-friendly in here.
There's wee ramps everywhere.
Is there? They're a fucking nuisance.
You know, that's the one good thing about living in Britain, no matter who you are, no matter what's wrong with you, the good old NHS will be there for you.
Are you still with BUPA? Oh, God, aye.
Ooh, it's busy out there.
Well, visiting's seven till eight, and one till two tomorrow, Beth.
Right.
So, did youdid you say you got your dinner? I did, Colin.
All right for some.
And what's the food like? Oh, so-so.
Not the best.
But to be honest, I wasn't that hungry, Colin.
Steak pie, was it? Hmm.
Chicken and a wee wrap thing and RUMBLING .
.
and macaroni cheese with a slice of garlic bread - only one.
Oh, and a bread and butter pudding.
So, tomorrow, then? Yes, that's right, Colin.
You nervous? Oh, no, no.
I'm in very safe hands with Mr Lee.
Oh, he'she's good, is he? Oh, he's excellent.
In fact, when he came up to see me today to apologise for the delay, he told me that gallstones is his speciality.
Oh.
Well, that and pinning back ears.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
Aye, well, it'sit's not the operation you need to worry about, you know, I mean, it'sit's the bugs.
Eh? Well, folk get through the operations themselves all right, but then they contract one of these super bugs.
I mean, hospitals are rife with them.
That's why that stuff's there.
Hello.
Hey! Oh, hi, Alan.
Hi, Michelle.
Hi.
All right, all right? Beth, all right? Hello, Alan.
How are you? All right, aye.
Oh, come in.
Oh, what lovely surprise.
You told us to come, cos you said you didn't want it just to be Beth.
Sit down, Michelle.
Go on, sitsitsit down here.
Oh, no, you're OK, Colin.
No, we're needing more chairs.
Well, don't worry, I'llI'llI'll sort it.
Beth, go and see that wee nurse.
See if she can sort us out with a couple more chairs, eh? Aye, and give her another nudge about that toast as well, Beth.
Well, this is nice.
How are you doing, Missus? Oh, so-so, Michelle, so-so.
I wasn't even sure if you'd be awake.
Did it all go OK? She's not had it yet.
What?! It got put back to tomorrow morning.
Oh, no, how come? The operation before ran over.
Well, that's the thing, you know, it's all slots.
I mean, if the person before you runs over, I mean, that's you, you'reyou'reyou're buggered.
Aye, that happened to my mate.
He was due to get his warts frozen off and they couldn't do it.
He was going on holiday the next day.
Oh, no.
Two weeks in Faliraki and not even a tit wank.
DOOR OPENS Thanks, Beth.
Well, it'sit's nice to see yous.
Always nice to see you, Michelle.
You're looking well.
Thanks, Colin.
Well, sorry we're a wee bit late.
It's just by the time we get in from work and got something to eat.
Gammon steak, Eric.
I need to get comfortable here.
Far too many pillows.
No need.
So, have you still got to stay the night? I do, Michelle, aye.
Well, at least you've got your own room.
Aye, no way could I be in a ward.
No? Oh, no.
Those wee cardboard things for when you need to go the toilet.
I mean, I'm all right pissing in front of folk, but I couldn't do a dump.
Did you get chairs? Yes, I did, thanks.
OK, then.
Oh, Heather! This is my neighbours.
This is Michelle and Alan - they live across from me.
Remember the one I was telling you about that left the blinds open and I saw him drying himself? Right.
Hiya.
And this is Colin.
It's his wife that slips her empty bottles into my blue bin.
How you doing? I'm good, I'm good.
But listen, I'll leave you to it just now, OK.
OK, thanks, Heather.
Oh, Heather.
Yes? How's the wee woman in the next room doing? Oh, she's fine.
Oh, that's good.
She's gonna pop her head in and say hello, see.
She's had no visitors.
Right.
Well, she's actually been moved upstairs.
Upstairs? Where to? Intensive care.
She took a wee infection after she came out of theatre, so Oh! Anyway, I'll leave you for now.
See? What did I tell you? Did you two do your hands on the way in? No! Well, on you go.
Get a bit of that on your hands - kills the germs.
Beth, that's terrible about that wee woman.
Well, listen, she's in the best place.
Well, you SAY that.
She's lovely, Heather.
I tell you, they deserve a medal, some of the nurses.
Aye.
Well, that one does.
I know.
When you think about the stuff they have to deal with.
I know, they're literally cleaning up shite sometimes.
Yeah, I couldn't do it.
Could you not, Michelle? I could see you in a nurse's uniform.
Where's the toilets? Uh, they're just down the end of the corridor there.
I need to go.
Back in a minute.
Well, there's one there.
Huh? Christine, would it be all right if Alan had a slash in there? Hey? Oh, oh, aye, aye.
Oh, now, before I forget, I brought you a few things.
Oh.
It's just wee things.
Oh, that's lovely of you.
Oh, ha-ha.
Ha-ha! Do you want me to open them up and put them in the bowl for you? Oh, thanks, Michelle.
URINATING Can't get into them! THEY LAUGH URINATING CONTINUES Oh! URINATING CONTINUES URINATING STOPS Hmm! So URINATING CONTINUES URINATING PETERS OFF FARTING FLUSHING There we go.
Did you wash your hands? Uh.
Back in.
Oh, fuck it.
Changed days with the en-suites, eh? I was saying earlier, I remember this place when it was all wards.
Oh, God, don't! we used to come visit my gran here.
She was in a ward.
Was she? Yeah, my Granny Thompson.
Oh.
Oh, she was great for her age.
Oh.
So, when she came in here, she just went downhill like that.
Oh, that's a shame.
It was only a chest infection she had.
Well, that's what it started off with.
See, when she went into that ward, she just deteriorated.
It was horrible.
She just faded.
All the sparkle in her eyes went and her skin went that grey way.
It was like every time we came, she got worse and worse.
And then one time we came up, and we got to the ward SHE WHIMPERS .
.
and the curtain was around the bed.
SHE CRIES And the nurse pulled me and my mum aside and said that she'd gone.
She died just before we got there.
SHE SOBS SHE SOBS SHE SNIFFS Do you want a tangerine? I'm fine.
You're all right, Michelle.
Aye, she cries quite a bit, but this is going for too long.
Oh, tough places, hospitals.
Can bring up a lot of emotion in folk.
Oh, aye, Alan.
Well, you see it all in hospitals, don't you? You know, births, deaths, enhancements.
Here, Beth - what if I don't get out of here.
What? What if something goes wrong? Oh, don't think like that.
It's a simple operation, and you said yourself, Mr Lee's one of the top guys.
Aye, but there's always a risk, isn't there? Christine! I could take an infection like that wee woman next door, and I would end up in intensive care.
Getting your dinner through a pipe.
Wouldn't even get the chance to taste it.
Oh, Beth, what have I done with my life? Oh, Christine! You've done loads.
Do you think so? Yes! I mean, there's your friends, your house, your lovely daughter and your granddaughter.
Who are not here! I mean, I'm just on my own.
Maybe just as well I bow out now, eh? Days and days go by - I'm just sitting in that house myself.
Don't even speak to a single soul.
You speak to me every single day.
Sometimes several times.
Everything's gonna be OK, Christine.
Years ahead of you.
You could go into a home if you're fed up being on your own, just like my grandad.
Aye? Aye.
But then she died quite soon after.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about, trust me.
All righty? How we doing? Oh, Heather.
All right, Christine? Are you feeling all right? She's just getting herself a bit worked up.
Oh.
She kicked her off, telling her about her gran.
Do you think I'm gonna be OK? Of course you are.
Are you sure? It's a really straightforward operation.
Mr Lee's brilliant.
We'll get you down there first thing - you'll be back up here in no time.
And we'll keep a good close eye on you until you're ready to go home.
Oh, that's good.
And are you gonna be here? Yep.
I'll be here.
Oh, cos see that big redheaded one? What, Laura? Aye.
Well, I don't like to speak ill of folk, but there's something evil about her.
Don't you worry about a thing.
You just lie back and relax.
You're very lucky, you know.
Hmm? All these visitors in to see you.
You've obviously got a lot of people who care if they're prepared to go out of their way to come up and see you.
And this one here's not even had his dinner yet.
Oh! Has he not? I'll be fine.
Thanks, Heather.
Oh, she's lovely.
Aye, it's folk like her that keep the NHS going.
Oh, you're quite right, Eric.
She's a lovely looking lassie as well.
Are you feeling a bit better now, Christine? Aye, I am, Beth.
Aye, she's good, Heather, isn't she? Oh, yes.
Hmm.
She's a wee angel, so she is.
SHE LAUGHS Still no sign of that bloody toast, mind you! Well, we should maybe think about making a move.
Oh, are you going? Yeah, we've got to get up the road.
Oh, all right, Michelle.
It was good of you to come.
Oh, no bother.
Come here.
THEY LAUGH Aw! You take care.
Oh, bless you, honey.
Bless you both.
See you Christine.
I hope, uh I hope you don't die or anything.
Alan! Really, Alan? Why did you say that? Aye, justII might just push off myself.
Aye, all right, Colin.
Christine.
Um, Colin.
Uh, I appreciate you coming, Colin.
Aye, it'sit's not a problem, and I'll I'll see you when you get back home.
Aye, no doubt.
And listen, don't ever be sitting in that house of yours on your own with nobody to talk to, when we're just a stone's throw away.
Aye.
Just knock the door, you know.
Right, I'm away.
I'll see you.
See you, Colin.
Bye, Colin.
Ta-ta.
You know something? I've never been quite sure of him.
Hmm.
In fact, I always thought he was a bit, hmm Selfish? Selfish wee dick, aye.
It was good of him to come.
Aye, it was, Eric.
In fact, I was pleasantly surprised.
Just goes to show you, it's at times like these that people show their true colours.
Did I leave my phone lying? There it is.
Right.
Better go and get Cathy.
Oh, right enough.
Where is she? She's at the shops.
I just came round here to kill a bit of time until I had to go and get her.
Dick! Oh, is it time to go? Oh, no, no.
Don't worry about that.
I was actually hoping you'd still be here.
I've got a steak pie left over.
Aye? If you want it, you're welcome to it.
Nobody else wanting it? Ach, no - it'll only be going in the bin.
Well Go on, Eric.
Aye, all right, then.
I'm absolutely starving, to tell you the truth.
Hmm, just stick it there for you.
Oh, that's very kind of you, Heather.
No probs.
Oh, Heather.
Butter or jam? Ah, ha-ha! Butter, my darling - right up to the corners! You let me know what time to come in tomorrow.
It's one till two, Beth.
Remember, bring some coins.
Oh, yes, for the car park.
Aye, and I'd quite like a packet of Polo mints from that machine downstairs.
Mmm! Beth.
What? Come here.
What is it? Through the toilet.
Shut the door.
There's something I need to discuss with you.
Right? It's about my will.
Oh, Christine.
No! It's important and I want to tell you about it.
Really, it's going to be fine.
Beth, I don't know what I'd do without you.
You do know that, don't you? It's not just today that you've been there for me, you are always there.
Oh, Christine.
I know sometimes it seems like I don't appreciate it, but I want you to know that I do.
Well, that's very nice of you to say.
I mean, you drove me up here this morning, you've been back to see me tonight, you've been running in and out getting people chairs, you're coming back up tomorrow with more magazines and juice and maybe a wee chocolate orange, aye? Right.
Anyway, when I get out of here, I'm going straight down to my solicitors.
Oh, Christine, you've got years ahead of you.
Oh, no, this experience in here today has given me a lot to think about.
I mean, at the moment, everything's been left to Sophie - all the big stuff, the house, my jewellery, my coat with the big hood, and some of my porcelain's going to Pam - the wee boy with the bare feet and the fishing rod and the frog playing the mandolin.
But it is my intention to tell them that I want to leave something to someone who's run after me hand and foot, who has been there in my hour of need, and who never, ever gets even a fraction of the thanks that they deserve.
Christine, that is so kind of you.
It's the least I can do.
After everything Heather's done for me! What an angel.
Right, Eric, that's us, le Oh, for fuck's sake.
SNORING # Heaven # Must be missing an angel # Heaven # Missing one angel, child # Cos you're here with me right now # Oh # Ooh, my sweet little angel # Ah ah ah ah ah ah # My pretty little angel # Heaven I love you, love you, love you
Sorry? Christine O'Neill, gall bladder operation scheduled for three o'clock with Mr Lee.
Wait, and I'll have a wee look for you.
One M, two Ls.
Last visit, A&E Saturday night, very tickly cough.
Right.
Come on, Beth.
Let's go.
No, we'll wait till they've checked her in, Cathy.
No allergies as such, but I don't like white sugar in my coffee.
Just leave her, she's happy.
Uh, will you be all right, Christine? Oh, yes, and thanks for the lift, Beth.
Sorry I didn't have any pound coins.
Ah, it's OK.
Shame we had to stop at the Costa, but they did specify a totally empty bowel.
No, no bother.
Right, come on! Hope it goes really well, Christine.
Oh, bless you, Cathy, but I'll tell you all about it when I see you tonight.
Sorry? Well, I'll be through and waiting by the time you get to visiting hour.
Oh, no - sorry, Christine, I can't come tonight.
I'mI'm busy.
What with? Many, many things.
Butbut Beth will come and see you, won't you? She loves hospitals.
Um Oh, thanks, Beth.
Don't bother with any flowers, just an orange Lucozade and a copy of Take A Break.
OK, Mrs O'Neill, if I could just have your signature there, please.
Thank you.
Actually, Beth, fuck it - bring us a wee bunch of carnations for the BP.
# Mmm mm mm mm # Mmm mm mm mm # Mmm mm mm mm mm mm # Oh oh oh oh # Oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh.
I still don't see why it's us that had to come.
We can't leave her on her own with no visitors, Eric.
But what about Pat? Is she not coming? No.
Why not? She's in the southern.
Listen, we'll not stay that long, will we? I mean, I've still go and eat dinner.
Not that long, no.
She'll still be tired, anyway.
We'll stop and pick you up something on the way home.
SNORING Hello.
I think she's sleeping.
Aye.
We should just go.
She's sound.
Well, better not disturb her.
Come on.
Just leave the bags.
She'll get them when she wakes up.
LIGHT SNORING Did you get the Lucozade? Oh, God.
Hi, Christine.
SHE LAUGHS Yes, it's all there.
Oh, bless you, Beth.
Bless you.
Was I asleep, was I? I think so.
What time is it? Just after seven.
At night? Yes, at night.
Oh, I've lost all track.
Do you want us just to leave you to rest? No, no, come in.
Come in.
So, how are you feeling? Oh, not bad.
A bit uncomfortable.
Well, that's to be expected, I suppose.
Are you sore? Hmm, a wee bit.
Well, at least it's done.
Eh? The operation.
At least it's done.
Oh, no - I've not had it.
You what? I've not had it yet.
They put it back to first thing tomorrow morning.
I thought you were sleeping off the anaesthetic.
No, I'm sleeping off the steak pie I had for my dinner.
What? 12 hours with no food and then a dirty big steak pie - you'd conk out as well.
Oh, wait till I get myself sat up here.
So, why have they delayed it? Mr Lee got bogged down with a cyst.
Oh, dear.
So, they said I could either reschedule for next Tuesday, or I could overnight and get it done in the morning.
Did you not fancy waiting until Tuesday? Tuesday's soup and a sandwich day, Beth.
I mean, that's not even a proper lunch.
Hey.
Oh, here she is, my wee angel.
This is Heather.
Hi, there.
Hello, there.
This is my lovely neighbour and her husband.
Yeah, how you doing? I'm good, thanks.
I've been hearing lots about you.
Oh.
Oh, right! All good, I hope.
Yeah.
Uh, I've just been filling them in the situation, Heather.
Oh, right.
Heather was the one that had to break the news to me.
Do you get specially trained in how to have these difficult conversations, Heather? No, no, not really.
Well, you did very well.
We both kept it together, didn't we? Yeah.
So, listen, I came to check you were all OK in here.
Oh, we are fine, honey.
Don't you worry about us.
You've got enough on your plate, I'm sure.
They're run off their feet in here, Beth.
OK, I'll leave yous to it.
Heather.
Yes? Is there any chance of another pillow for my back here, is there? Sure.
Oh, and Heather, the batteries in this remote control are on their way out.
It's triple As, just the wee tottie ones.
I'll have a wee look.
Oh, and Heather! Yes? What time's the toast coming round? I'll check and see.
Oh, she seems nice.
Oh, she's a wee star.
Not like that other one.
Which one? Oh, the big redheaded one.
Oh, she's a right nippy sweetie heart.
Is she? Aye.
Told me off for buzzing her through for mustard.
Uh, wewe brought you a few wee things just tojust to keep you going.
Oh, bless you.
And those flowers you asked for - we just need to find something to put them in.
Oh, yeah.
I think there's a wee vase in that cupboard there.
Eric, see if you can find it, will you? There we are.
Just shove that stuff in there while you're at it.
You'll have to make a wee bit of room first, though.
Um Shift that stuff onto the bottom shelf, Eric.
That's just my things to put on when I get out.
If I'd known you were staying in another night, I could have brought you up some clothes.
Oh, no, those pants were fresh on this morning, Beth.
Urgh.
Hi.
Oh, hello again.
Um, II was just rejigging some things in the cupboard and, uh, I'm moving these out the way.
Oh, right.
OK.
I brought your pillow.
Oh, thanks, honey, thanks.
Just down at my back there.
That's it.
How's that? Hmm, have you not got anything firmer? Um Aye, that's it.
Just give it a good puffing up, then.
There we go.
How's that for you? It'll do for now.
Right, anything else you need? No, no, we're fine, thank you.
OK.
Here, Heather.
Yes? Thanks, honey.
Well, it's good you've got your own room, isn't it? Oh, well, they did have me in the ward at first, but when this room came up, everyone insisted that I should get it.
Hmm.
It's all changed from when your mum was here, Eric.
Oh, aye, aye, it was all wards then.
Oh, you get no privacy in a ward.
I know.
Remember last year when I was in with my toe, Beth? Yes.
There was a poor man in the bed next to me, was getting his stomach shaved before his operation, and they didn't even have a curtain up round him.
Dear God! I know.
I recorded the whole thing on my phone.
One thing about the ward is at least you have some people to chat to.
Well, I did get talking to the woman in the next room there.
A lovely woman.
Her daughter lives down south, so she's no had anybody, any visitor.
Oh, that's a shame.
I said that you would pop in and see if there was anything that she needed.
Hmm.
KNOCK ON DOOR Oh! Here she is.
Oh, hi, Colin.
Hi, Colin.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Oh, II was just in having a wee brain scan.
But they couldn't find one.
Awful! THEY LAUGH Oh, wait, I'll just take a wee squirt of this antibacterial stuff here.
Can't be too careful, eh? Yeah.
Nice of you to come, Colin.
Yeah.
So, how did it go? I've not had it yet.
You've what? It's been put back to tomorrow.
Oh, for God's sake! I know, very stressful day.
Stressful! She was lying sleeping off a steak pie when we came in.
Oh, dear.
You still got to stay over? Oh, yeah.
Absolute nightmare.
Here, Colin.
You have this chair, and I'll go and ask for another one.
Oh, well - make sure you get Heather.
Heather's the nice one, Colin.
She's done her degree and she's studying for her master's in public health as well as working in here full time.
Oh, really? Aye.
Remind her about that toast, will you, Beth? Yeah, it's not a bad wee set-up you've got here.
Oh, I can't complain Colin, I can't complain.
I mean, I would have preferred a quilt as opposed to the blankets, but I don't like to make a fuss.
Is that an en-suite, is it? It is, aye.
Hey? Aye, not bad.
Oh, a shower as well.
You can just go from one to the other.
I tell you, it's quite spacious.
Well, it's designed for wheelchairs, isn't it? Oh, yes, everything's disabled-friendly in here.
There's wee ramps everywhere.
Is there? They're a fucking nuisance.
You know, that's the one good thing about living in Britain, no matter who you are, no matter what's wrong with you, the good old NHS will be there for you.
Are you still with BUPA? Oh, God, aye.
Ooh, it's busy out there.
Well, visiting's seven till eight, and one till two tomorrow, Beth.
Right.
So, did youdid you say you got your dinner? I did, Colin.
All right for some.
And what's the food like? Oh, so-so.
Not the best.
But to be honest, I wasn't that hungry, Colin.
Steak pie, was it? Hmm.
Chicken and a wee wrap thing and RUMBLING .
.
and macaroni cheese with a slice of garlic bread - only one.
Oh, and a bread and butter pudding.
So, tomorrow, then? Yes, that's right, Colin.
You nervous? Oh, no, no.
I'm in very safe hands with Mr Lee.
Oh, he'she's good, is he? Oh, he's excellent.
In fact, when he came up to see me today to apologise for the delay, he told me that gallstones is his speciality.
Oh.
Well, that and pinning back ears.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
Aye, well, it'sit's not the operation you need to worry about, you know, I mean, it'sit's the bugs.
Eh? Well, folk get through the operations themselves all right, but then they contract one of these super bugs.
I mean, hospitals are rife with them.
That's why that stuff's there.
Hello.
Hey! Oh, hi, Alan.
Hi, Michelle.
Hi.
All right, all right? Beth, all right? Hello, Alan.
How are you? All right, aye.
Oh, come in.
Oh, what lovely surprise.
You told us to come, cos you said you didn't want it just to be Beth.
Sit down, Michelle.
Go on, sitsitsit down here.
Oh, no, you're OK, Colin.
No, we're needing more chairs.
Well, don't worry, I'llI'llI'll sort it.
Beth, go and see that wee nurse.
See if she can sort us out with a couple more chairs, eh? Aye, and give her another nudge about that toast as well, Beth.
Well, this is nice.
How are you doing, Missus? Oh, so-so, Michelle, so-so.
I wasn't even sure if you'd be awake.
Did it all go OK? She's not had it yet.
What?! It got put back to tomorrow morning.
Oh, no, how come? The operation before ran over.
Well, that's the thing, you know, it's all slots.
I mean, if the person before you runs over, I mean, that's you, you'reyou'reyou're buggered.
Aye, that happened to my mate.
He was due to get his warts frozen off and they couldn't do it.
He was going on holiday the next day.
Oh, no.
Two weeks in Faliraki and not even a tit wank.
DOOR OPENS Thanks, Beth.
Well, it'sit's nice to see yous.
Always nice to see you, Michelle.
You're looking well.
Thanks, Colin.
Well, sorry we're a wee bit late.
It's just by the time we get in from work and got something to eat.
Gammon steak, Eric.
I need to get comfortable here.
Far too many pillows.
No need.
So, have you still got to stay the night? I do, Michelle, aye.
Well, at least you've got your own room.
Aye, no way could I be in a ward.
No? Oh, no.
Those wee cardboard things for when you need to go the toilet.
I mean, I'm all right pissing in front of folk, but I couldn't do a dump.
Did you get chairs? Yes, I did, thanks.
OK, then.
Oh, Heather! This is my neighbours.
This is Michelle and Alan - they live across from me.
Remember the one I was telling you about that left the blinds open and I saw him drying himself? Right.
Hiya.
And this is Colin.
It's his wife that slips her empty bottles into my blue bin.
How you doing? I'm good, I'm good.
But listen, I'll leave you to it just now, OK.
OK, thanks, Heather.
Oh, Heather.
Yes? How's the wee woman in the next room doing? Oh, she's fine.
Oh, that's good.
She's gonna pop her head in and say hello, see.
She's had no visitors.
Right.
Well, she's actually been moved upstairs.
Upstairs? Where to? Intensive care.
She took a wee infection after she came out of theatre, so Oh! Anyway, I'll leave you for now.
See? What did I tell you? Did you two do your hands on the way in? No! Well, on you go.
Get a bit of that on your hands - kills the germs.
Beth, that's terrible about that wee woman.
Well, listen, she's in the best place.
Well, you SAY that.
She's lovely, Heather.
I tell you, they deserve a medal, some of the nurses.
Aye.
Well, that one does.
I know.
When you think about the stuff they have to deal with.
I know, they're literally cleaning up shite sometimes.
Yeah, I couldn't do it.
Could you not, Michelle? I could see you in a nurse's uniform.
Where's the toilets? Uh, they're just down the end of the corridor there.
I need to go.
Back in a minute.
Well, there's one there.
Huh? Christine, would it be all right if Alan had a slash in there? Hey? Oh, oh, aye, aye.
Oh, now, before I forget, I brought you a few things.
Oh.
It's just wee things.
Oh, that's lovely of you.
Oh, ha-ha.
Ha-ha! Do you want me to open them up and put them in the bowl for you? Oh, thanks, Michelle.
URINATING Can't get into them! THEY LAUGH URINATING CONTINUES Oh! URINATING CONTINUES URINATING STOPS Hmm! So URINATING CONTINUES URINATING PETERS OFF FARTING FLUSHING There we go.
Did you wash your hands? Uh.
Back in.
Oh, fuck it.
Changed days with the en-suites, eh? I was saying earlier, I remember this place when it was all wards.
Oh, God, don't! we used to come visit my gran here.
She was in a ward.
Was she? Yeah, my Granny Thompson.
Oh.
Oh, she was great for her age.
Oh.
So, when she came in here, she just went downhill like that.
Oh, that's a shame.
It was only a chest infection she had.
Well, that's what it started off with.
See, when she went into that ward, she just deteriorated.
It was horrible.
She just faded.
All the sparkle in her eyes went and her skin went that grey way.
It was like every time we came, she got worse and worse.
And then one time we came up, and we got to the ward SHE WHIMPERS .
.
and the curtain was around the bed.
SHE CRIES And the nurse pulled me and my mum aside and said that she'd gone.
She died just before we got there.
SHE SOBS SHE SOBS SHE SNIFFS Do you want a tangerine? I'm fine.
You're all right, Michelle.
Aye, she cries quite a bit, but this is going for too long.
Oh, tough places, hospitals.
Can bring up a lot of emotion in folk.
Oh, aye, Alan.
Well, you see it all in hospitals, don't you? You know, births, deaths, enhancements.
Here, Beth - what if I don't get out of here.
What? What if something goes wrong? Oh, don't think like that.
It's a simple operation, and you said yourself, Mr Lee's one of the top guys.
Aye, but there's always a risk, isn't there? Christine! I could take an infection like that wee woman next door, and I would end up in intensive care.
Getting your dinner through a pipe.
Wouldn't even get the chance to taste it.
Oh, Beth, what have I done with my life? Oh, Christine! You've done loads.
Do you think so? Yes! I mean, there's your friends, your house, your lovely daughter and your granddaughter.
Who are not here! I mean, I'm just on my own.
Maybe just as well I bow out now, eh? Days and days go by - I'm just sitting in that house myself.
Don't even speak to a single soul.
You speak to me every single day.
Sometimes several times.
Everything's gonna be OK, Christine.
Years ahead of you.
You could go into a home if you're fed up being on your own, just like my grandad.
Aye? Aye.
But then she died quite soon after.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about, trust me.
All righty? How we doing? Oh, Heather.
All right, Christine? Are you feeling all right? She's just getting herself a bit worked up.
Oh.
She kicked her off, telling her about her gran.
Do you think I'm gonna be OK? Of course you are.
Are you sure? It's a really straightforward operation.
Mr Lee's brilliant.
We'll get you down there first thing - you'll be back up here in no time.
And we'll keep a good close eye on you until you're ready to go home.
Oh, that's good.
And are you gonna be here? Yep.
I'll be here.
Oh, cos see that big redheaded one? What, Laura? Aye.
Well, I don't like to speak ill of folk, but there's something evil about her.
Don't you worry about a thing.
You just lie back and relax.
You're very lucky, you know.
Hmm? All these visitors in to see you.
You've obviously got a lot of people who care if they're prepared to go out of their way to come up and see you.
And this one here's not even had his dinner yet.
Oh! Has he not? I'll be fine.
Thanks, Heather.
Oh, she's lovely.
Aye, it's folk like her that keep the NHS going.
Oh, you're quite right, Eric.
She's a lovely looking lassie as well.
Are you feeling a bit better now, Christine? Aye, I am, Beth.
Aye, she's good, Heather, isn't she? Oh, yes.
Hmm.
She's a wee angel, so she is.
SHE LAUGHS Still no sign of that bloody toast, mind you! Well, we should maybe think about making a move.
Oh, are you going? Yeah, we've got to get up the road.
Oh, all right, Michelle.
It was good of you to come.
Oh, no bother.
Come here.
THEY LAUGH Aw! You take care.
Oh, bless you, honey.
Bless you both.
See you Christine.
I hope, uh I hope you don't die or anything.
Alan! Really, Alan? Why did you say that? Aye, justII might just push off myself.
Aye, all right, Colin.
Christine.
Um, Colin.
Uh, I appreciate you coming, Colin.
Aye, it'sit's not a problem, and I'll I'll see you when you get back home.
Aye, no doubt.
And listen, don't ever be sitting in that house of yours on your own with nobody to talk to, when we're just a stone's throw away.
Aye.
Just knock the door, you know.
Right, I'm away.
I'll see you.
See you, Colin.
Bye, Colin.
Ta-ta.
You know something? I've never been quite sure of him.
Hmm.
In fact, I always thought he was a bit, hmm Selfish? Selfish wee dick, aye.
It was good of him to come.
Aye, it was, Eric.
In fact, I was pleasantly surprised.
Just goes to show you, it's at times like these that people show their true colours.
Did I leave my phone lying? There it is.
Right.
Better go and get Cathy.
Oh, right enough.
Where is she? She's at the shops.
I just came round here to kill a bit of time until I had to go and get her.
Dick! Oh, is it time to go? Oh, no, no.
Don't worry about that.
I was actually hoping you'd still be here.
I've got a steak pie left over.
Aye? If you want it, you're welcome to it.
Nobody else wanting it? Ach, no - it'll only be going in the bin.
Well Go on, Eric.
Aye, all right, then.
I'm absolutely starving, to tell you the truth.
Hmm, just stick it there for you.
Oh, that's very kind of you, Heather.
No probs.
Oh, Heather.
Butter or jam? Ah, ha-ha! Butter, my darling - right up to the corners! You let me know what time to come in tomorrow.
It's one till two, Beth.
Remember, bring some coins.
Oh, yes, for the car park.
Aye, and I'd quite like a packet of Polo mints from that machine downstairs.
Mmm! Beth.
What? Come here.
What is it? Through the toilet.
Shut the door.
There's something I need to discuss with you.
Right? It's about my will.
Oh, Christine.
No! It's important and I want to tell you about it.
Really, it's going to be fine.
Beth, I don't know what I'd do without you.
You do know that, don't you? It's not just today that you've been there for me, you are always there.
Oh, Christine.
I know sometimes it seems like I don't appreciate it, but I want you to know that I do.
Well, that's very nice of you to say.
I mean, you drove me up here this morning, you've been back to see me tonight, you've been running in and out getting people chairs, you're coming back up tomorrow with more magazines and juice and maybe a wee chocolate orange, aye? Right.
Anyway, when I get out of here, I'm going straight down to my solicitors.
Oh, Christine, you've got years ahead of you.
Oh, no, this experience in here today has given me a lot to think about.
I mean, at the moment, everything's been left to Sophie - all the big stuff, the house, my jewellery, my coat with the big hood, and some of my porcelain's going to Pam - the wee boy with the bare feet and the fishing rod and the frog playing the mandolin.
But it is my intention to tell them that I want to leave something to someone who's run after me hand and foot, who has been there in my hour of need, and who never, ever gets even a fraction of the thanks that they deserve.
Christine, that is so kind of you.
It's the least I can do.
After everything Heather's done for me! What an angel.
Right, Eric, that's us, le Oh, for fuck's sake.
SNORING # Heaven # Must be missing an angel # Heaven # Missing one angel, child # Cos you're here with me right now # Oh # Ooh, my sweet little angel # Ah ah ah ah ah ah # My pretty little angel # Heaven I love you, love you, love you