Veep s04e03 Episode Script

Fundamentally, the Families First bill will help our most vulnerable kids, like the little boy in Seattle who asked Santa to teach him how to read for Christmas.
How did he write the note? Or the little girl down in Pine Hill, Alabama.
She's HIV positive via breast milk, but who still dreams of becoming a ballerina.
Well, they do need to stay thin.
- And why shouldn't they? - What? They do.
We want to give all kids a reason to dance, you know? - Sir.
- Yes? - The HIV girl.
- Yes? The one that the president mentioned in the CBS interview.
- Yes? - All right, well, some people on Reddit put the details together, now the whole town knows who she is.
Fuck! I preferred the Internet when it was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid.
- Did we definitely out this girl? - Yeah.
- Shit.
- Only her doctor and her principal knew.
Now parents are keeping their kids home from school 'cause they don't want them to, quote, "catch AIDS.
" Well, there's a town with no Gay Pride parade or a goddamn library.
Where did this data come from? How did we get her medical records? And why didn't we ask her parents' permission? Oh, thank you, Question Man.
You just saved the entire city.
Or did you? This is catching fire like a gas station - in a Michael Bay movie.
- Yeah.
- What's our line here? - Do we tell the president? - No.
- No? No, she's gonna panic.
We got to find out more facts, all right? - Bozos, disassemble.
- All right.
I always feel like the ruching on this one really accentuates your figure.
Okay, you're right.
Let's go with that.
Okay, I'll have the valet lay this out for you.
- No, you can do it.
- Oh.
- Reminds me of an easier time, you know? - Right.
Or a time whose problems I've suppressed.
Right.
Oh, there's my favorite slice of fun.
Look at this.
What is this? Catherine, you are smoking? I'm vaping.
That's not the point.
This has been happening every week.
My private life should be off-limits.
I see that you are still seeing Jason.
He photographs well for his age.
Ma'am, the Apple Growers Association would like to name a new brand of apple after you.
Is it a good apple? - It's a baking apple.
- Fuck 'em.
Oh, and Bill Ericsson wants to see you before you leave about Catherine.
- The smoking photograph.
- Vaping.
Actually, there is a Photoshopped image in the "Post" of what you and Catherine might look like if you had eight years in power.
Oh, my God, I look like Grandpa.
What? What did they do to my nose? - Mom, what about me? - Huh? Yeah, I know.
This is so disrespectful.
Where is Mike? Is he still doing his gaggle? - Yes, he's gaggling, ma'am.
- All right.
Will the president be commenting on this breaking story about little Jennifer Graham? Uh, yes.
We will very soon have a statement on that.
The White House released the girl's private information.
Where did this confidential data come from? I know that the president confirmed that she does have HIV.
And the girl, that is, has HIV.
But the provenance of that data has yet to be determined.
- Ma'am, Mike is just - Yeah, I know, he's fluffing the hacks.
- Ma'am, this isn't a good time.
- Hi, everybody.
Is Mike sharing his donut holes with y'all? And, Lyle, I hope that you're gonna bring your daughter to the Easter egg roll.
Oh, thank you for remembering I have a daughter, ma'am.
Oh, of course, yeah.
- And also my name.
- Yes.
- It's Lyle.
- It's Lyle and it's my pleasure.
Hey, you know, speaking of daughters, I just wanted to mention Catherine.
I know that she's the First Daughter, but I would be very grateful if you guys would just give her a little bit of space in her private life.
I mean, you know, I'm the rock star.
She's not the rock star.
So, thanks, I appreciate it.
Great to see everybody.
With respect, ma'am, do you think those same privacies should be given to an eight-year-old girl with HIV? Um, well HIV is a terrible burden and I'm very happy to be helping families who are affected by it.
That is off the record.
Okay, this briefing is over.
Nice to see you guys.
I'll see you at the Easter egg roll.
- My my friend, yes.
- Lyle.
What the hell? Where did HIV come from? I think some guy fucked a monkey.
Jesus Christ! Why didn't you warn me about that, Mike? Ma'am, I tried to right when you came in.
- No, you didn't.
- You're right, I didn't.
- I should have.
- That's right.
- You were right, ma'am.
- Yeah, no, you didn't warn me at all.
What the fuck is happening? It's a data breach.
Medical, Social Security records were hacked by someone working for us and then put into the Families First press pack.
That's not just a breach.
That's a data rupture.
All of these words are meaningless to me.
Here's what we're gonna do.
It's an outrageous idea.
Let's find the person who's responsible and let's fire them.
Ma'am, there's so much data fluidity on this project, the culprit will be hard to pin down.
Well, the press doesn't need the culprit.
The press needs a culprit.
You know, there are hordes of young women who roam the halls of the West Wing.
- Yes? - 15% of them were hired to be fired.
Yeah.
We call them the Expendabelles.
That's not funny, boys.
- No.
- Okay, Dan, go sacrifice a virgin.
Just another Saturday night.
- That's not funny, Amy.
- What? Why not? Hey, Egan, is somebody gonna get fired over this AIDSnami? Oh, yeah.
And I'm in charge of the canning, Jonah.
I'm the Dan who can.
Okay, well, I was only involved in the Families First bill via you, so What about your side dick here? You tell him stuff? Oh, God, yes.
He was more involved than I was.
He was up to his thighs in it.
I don't think I was, sir.
How's the view from down there, you snake? - It's harsh.
- Oh, harsh? We need to be a unified front.
Uh, what are you guys doing right now? We're working on the veep's walk-on music for tonight.
- The Police.
- Law and order mixed with very mild reggae.
It's like a comforting balance.
Hey, Jonah, how would you like to be a little more involved tonight? Supervise the balloons, the streamers, the fireworks? - All right.
- Yeah? You know I got an eye for that.
That's why I'm such a good photographer.
- Absolutely.
Yeah.
- And I love fireworks.
The noise, the lights.
Mostly those aspects.
All right, look, I'm gonna text you about this later.
Right now I've gotta go.
This goat's not gonna scape itself.
I feel persecuted.
I'm just waiting for the press to throw me in a pond to see if I'll float.
Honeymoon's over, isn't it? It was kind of a shitty honeymoon, too.
Just like my actual honeymoon with Daddy.
I know, Mom.
"The Onion" did a parody of that photo in the "Post.
" Oh, really? I like "The Onion.
" What you'll look like when you're leaving office, except you look exactly like you do now.
Okay.
They think you'll only be president for a few months.
- That's the joke.
- No, no, I get it, yeah.
That's funny.
That's funny stuff.
My girl's had her life ruined.
How did the president find out about her information? This thing has gotten way too big.
It's like my mom's cat.
The president is just trying to help children.
I don't understand why everyone keeps focusing on the negative, you know? Maybe because, Gary, we ruined a girl's life.
Negative, negative, negative.
Mike, the National Parents Group cut the cord on supporting Families First at next week's press event.
Great, now parents hate us.
Oh, God, welcome to my childhood.
And adulthood, actually.
We need to shut the story down.
I'm aware of that.
Thank you, Sue.
Well, why haven't you shut it down? If you see a fire, do you look at the fire and put it out or do you just say, "I'm aware of it"? Sue cannot tell me how to do my job.
She just did.
Oh, I bet this baby could sure spill a lot of glitter, am I right? Put it down.
That thing goes off in your face, the surgeon will be tweezering tiny shamrocks out of your eye jelly for a week.
Hello, sir.
Jonah Ryan.
Now, I cannot tell you who we represent, but let's just go so far as to say that my boss is a powerful guy, and his boss, I cannot stress her power I get it.
He's VP Doyle, she's temporary President Meyer.
You think confetti and a disco ball's gonna keep those clowns in the White House? Well, sir, if you would like us to take our business elsewhere Grow up, huh? I do anyone.
I did balloons for Jerry Ford in '76.
Met him.
Asshole.
So what can you organize for us? - There's the Presidential.
- Oh, that sounds perfect.
That's bottom of the range.
You don't want that.
I just named it Presidential because of that asshole Ford.
We've been told to really go to town.
Well, then you want the Star-Spangled Banger.
Or Red, White, and Whoo-hoo.
Now, will we have some sort of creative control over the music? I don't give a shit, son.
I still get paid.
Let me show you what we got.
- There she is.
- Hey.
- Hey, I'm excited.
- Okay.
Good.
I'll warm them up for you.
Question is, how hot do you want them? - Red hot.
- Gonna do the snail joke, right? That's your trademark joke.
Signature joke.
Yeah, you don't have to do the snail joke.
It's so funny.
Uh, Andrew, listen.
Let me ask you something.
Do you think this HIV girl thing is killing us or what? No, no, no.
You're gonna be fine.
Look, the news moves so quickly, we'll have a new iPhone or the Chinese will be in Chicago.
- Amy, can I talk to you a sec? - Sure.
Doyle's using "Every Breath You Take" for his walk-on music.
He loves that song.
He got married to it both times.
Every line ends with "I'll be watching you.
" Sting might as well be singing "I'll access your medical data" in a fake Jamaican accent.
You having fun? Yes, ma'am.
- But also working hard.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you for asking.
- It's Chloe? - It's Ellie.
- Lee.
- Lee.
- Lee? - Lee.
- Ah.
You can't change the music.
It's all cued up with the light show.
Fuck the light show, Jonah, okay? He's the vice president, not the new Lexus.
- Fuck the light show? - Yeah, fuck it.
Be careful, Mr.
Ryan.
It burns your hand even through the corrugated sleeve.
- Can you do this? - Is there a way to change Doyle's music without screwing up the lights? - Oh, absolutely.
- Great.
Well, I'm not sure, but positivity is the first step.
- Love it.
- Change it to what? - Doesn't matter.
- I honestly have no idea.
What do you have on your phone? Well, it's mostly self-help audio books and relaxation tapes.
I'm quite an anxious man.
Oh, you know what? I've got movie themes.
I'll cue "Eye of the Tiger.
" Okay, guys, guys.
"Eye of the Tiger"? Any controversial lyrics in that? - It's good.
It's good.
- Do it.
Do it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Vice President of the United States.
What the fuck? Uh-oh.
- What? I don't know what's happened.
You know, I usually use a Mac, so this is Windows 8's fault if anybody's.
Every bond you break, every step you take You know, the great Mark Twain, one of my dream dinner party guests in actual fact once said that Screwed over by the Police.
I'm Rodney fucking King.
Another blunder to undermine my campaign.
It's not a blunder.
It was an unfortunate mistake.
Yes, the definition of a blunder, so - Right.
- Nobody listens to the words anyways.
You know? I just dance.
Twitter has it.
EveryLittleThing - SheDoeslsTragic.
So without further delay, please welcome onto this stage Go get 'em.
The President of the United States.
They loved it, ma'am.
You were like a rock star.
Not Sting.
Kurt Cobain.
Well, not him.
It was my rally, okay? My supporters, of course.
It's like getting a valentine from your own mom, you know? Ma'am, we're losing micro-donors.
We'll be down to nano-donors.
What do you mean, we're losing micro-donors? - We can't.
That's our backbone.
- Yes.
They want to be removed from our database.
They don't want us having their personal data.
Madam President! Madam President! When are you gonna make a statement about Jennifer Graham? It's vital that these small-time nobodies realize we respect them, okay? Jennifer Graham's aunt says only an unfit mother would be immune to her niece's suffering.
Okay, I'm gonna have to answer that, all right? I'm gonna make a statement on camera.
Do you think that's the best move, ma'am? The thing I just said that I should do? Do I think it's the thing I should do? Is that your question, Mike? We've decided to make a quick statement.
Um, I just want to simply say that I had no knowledge of this data breach.
But as president, I take full responsibility because that's part of the job.
I'm going to find out who's responsible and why it happened and how it happened.
And lastly, I want to extend my apologies to Jennifer Graham and her entire fam If that happened, it would be hugely damaging and enormously problematic.
- Hi, Madam President.
- Hi.
- Ma'am, got us a scapegoat.
- Oh.
Girl in the writers' room for the joint sessions speech.
She was also at the rally tonight.
Sci-fi Sally something.
- Ellie? - Chloe.
Marie.
Claire.
- It's Lee.
- Gary is right, her name is Lee and she is a fine staffer.
Great on close reading and policy analysis.
I see splashes of myself in her.
I now regret that phrase.
Ma'am, the American Family Group is pulling their support.
- What? - Yeah.
Where did you get that from? - An anonymous source.
- Shit.
Who's my sister-in-law who works for the American Family Group.
- Okay, Dan.
- Yeah.
Go fire Lee.
Mike, announce a head is rolling.
Okay, Ben, Amy, go fix this fireworks shit.
- Gary, I need an energy bar.
- Yeah.
- No, apple.
- Hmm.
- No, fuck it, cheese.
- Oh.
- Uh, ma'am - Look, Kent, I'm sorry, but Chloe's got to go.
- It's not Chloe, it's Lee.
- Okay.
- And anyway, it's not Lee, it's Catherine.
- What? She wants to work with an anti-bullying charity.
What, is she nuts? I mean, it's gonna make it look like she thinks her mom bullied her.
Well, I think she's calculating that this will make her more likable.
Not with me, it fucking won't.
Ma'am, cheese is on its way.
Here's an interim banana.
It doesn't even work.
- So do I leave tomorrow? - You leave now.
Unless you're on a tour, you will not be at the White House tomorrow.
What if I cried? Like the women do in movies? Wouldn't work.
You're talking to a guy who once broke off an engagement at an Applebee's, then ordered dessert.
May I have your pass? It was a pleasure working with you Lee.
With more revelations in the Medileaks scandal emerging, who knew? Was there a cover-up? And if so, how far up the chain of command did it go? Ugh, it's working its way up my chain of command.
I think it's reached my pancreas.
Private medical details released by the White House have now identified five more children Fitting that for Easter this story refuses to fucking die.
Is there no other news? Whatever happened to Ebola? I loved Ebola.
So we threw someone off the life raft.
Did no one think to tell the sharks? Ma'am, I don't think the girl was senior enough.
We need to cut the throat of a bigger goat.
So who's next for the guillotine? - Uh, Jonah Ryan.
- Jonah? Yes, ma'am.
I've been fattening him up for just this occasion.
- What? - I got him a staff.
And I got him involved in Families First.
I even got him on the campaign.
He's the one who did the fireworks and the music for last night.
That was him? Off with his fat head.
I can easily link him to the whole data breach thing.
- It's like he has no sense of what's going on.
- Excuse me.
Did you know that Dan was in the middle of speaking? - Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.
And plus he's got that whole inherently guilty look.
You know, that kind of surprised masturbator face.
- The - Yeah, he does.
Do it.
Get rid of him.
Throw him under a bus.
If you can find one that's long enough.
Hey, Egan, VP wants to see the P.
He thinks a bigger head needs to roll, okay? Like a massive Easter Island-sized head.
- Hmm.
- No.
No.
Look at me, I've got a small head.
I could wear a child's hat.
Besides I know about you spreading the Danny Chung torture rumor.
Well, that's useless leverage right now, Jonah, because you have all the credibility of someone who hacked the medical records of a sick child.
- No - Hey, "I Am Groot," stop swapping spit here with "Pretty Woman" and get me Brock and Hunter.
Absolutely.
Sorry, I was just on my way to go do that.
It's an important meeting, okay? It's seminal.
Oh, hey.
You already did this great joke.
Damn, man, this guy's balls are so big, they're practically tits.
Huh? Johnny Tit-balls.
Yeah, don't squeeze the milkers too much.
Milkers.
Love it.
You were firing me? What the hell was that? Nothing.
It's just jock stuff.
You know, just guys having fun.
That isn't, Jonah.
That's sexual harassment.
Jesus, does he do that to you all the time? No, not all the time.
Sometimes, but not all the time.
It's just high spirits.
Mr.
Ryan, so they were out of tuna melts, so I improvised and I got you this lobster curry roll.
All right, look, zip it, Jeeves.
I'm in the middle of firing your boss.
Wow, over the campaign data thing? - The what? - The I Care mailer.
All right, no? I'm picking up from your facial cues that you don't know.
Here's four verbal cues for you "Tell me now, asshole.
" Well, that mailer was deliberately directed at recently bereaved parents.
Bereaved parents? Yeah, someone from the campaign used the child mortality data from the same data breach that identified the HIV girl.
Okay, Yogi and Boo-Boo, you say nothing to anybody.
You understand me? - Yes.
- Well, obviously you don't, 'cause you just fucking spoke.
- Oh.
- Shit! Amy, the gates of hell have opened and you are my plus one.
You cannot be associated with bullying because people are going to think that you were bullied by me.
I wasn't bullied by you, I was bullied because of you.
Did you want me to leave? - No, no.
- Yes.
No, you weren't, sweetheart.
Yes, I was and it was miserable.
Well, I apologize for my success, Catherine.
I had no idea until this very moment that you had a tortured, unhappy, miserable upbringing.
You're gonna have to drop the bullying thing, though, honey.
No, I'm not gonna drop it.
Do you want to go to Hawaii at Thanksgiving? Are you interested in Memaw's sapphire earrings? Are you bullying me into dropping an anti-bullying charity? Gary, am I? You're parenting.
Yeah, well, too, I might add.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
- We'll explain later.
No, we won't.
We'll never explain.
Ma'am, Catherine needs to leave.
Okay, Catherine, up, out.
For fuck's sake.
All right, that's enough with the F words.
Thank you very much.
I apologize for her behav What is it? I can't tell you.
Well, great meeting, then, thanks.
Ma'am, if we tell you, you'll know, and if you know, you'll be implicated.
Well, then, why don't you tell me and I'll decide whether or not I know it? Ma'am, a direct mail campaign went out last month with pictures of you with babies and children.
Yeah, it was a huge success.
Ma'am, it targeted recently bereaved parents using stolen government data.
Well that's a federal crime.
- Yes.
- Yes, it is.
You could go to jail.
Yes, ma'am, we could go to jail.
Yeah, you could go to jail.
Wow.
We're fucked? Is that what this is? "I'm afraid it's spread to the liver" fucked? Ma'am, we think it was a student volunteer with a pal at HHS, but he's gone now.
If we can just hold our nerve and maintain a bunker mentality Don't give me that bunker shit.
Hitler went into a bunker.
When he came out, he wasn't chancellor anymore, was he? Plus he was dead.
I'll tell you something, if he were alive right now, he'd be very anxious to distance himself from me at this moment.
We need to keep this within these four Or this one curved wall.
We need to stop the press dead so they don't dig into this any further.
And that means a major resignation.
A face.
Although, if you operate last in, first out, I'm screwed.
Ma'am, I have a proposal I need to speak with you about.
Okay, fine.
Amy, Ben, you stay.
Everybody else, just get out.
I need to be the one to go.
You? No, no.
Uh-uh.
Yes, Madam President.
This is a head-on collision and I'm your biggest air bag.
Okay, so we need to issue a positive statement about the HIV girl.
Not positive.
Wrong word.
Mike, did I see you smiling when it was suggested I might be fired? Me? No.
I I wasn't smiling.
I was stretching my lips because I have very dry lips, and my doctor said, "You should probably stretch them.
" So I was following medical advice.
Like - Like that.
- That's what you're going with? Wow.
Listen, you ever play poker, I want in, 'cause you are one terrible liar.
And that's sad 'cause that's your whole job.
Why are you using the urinal next to me? - You leave a gap.
- I've already started.
The little one gives me splash-back.
Still, you leave a gap.
We're not piss buddies.
Damn, that's some kind of prostate control.
Treasure it, my friend.
So, you want to know if the president told me who she's firing, right? - Yeah.
- It's me.
You don't tell anyone until she's made an announcement.
- You got it? - Yeah, not a word.
You swear by everything you hold dear in your hand right now? I do.
I swear on King Danny.
This is an Easter egg roll and I just see baskets with no eggs.
Gary, front row for the story reading needs to be the children with the strongest bladders.
- I don't even know what that means.
- Guys.
- Oh, thank God.
- Why am I carrying eggs, huh? - I'm up to my eyeballs in HIV.
- No, no, don't give them to me.
There's a six-foot bunny out there with 30 spoons.
You can't miss him.
- It's Ben.
- No way.
No, who's getting fired, Mike.
- What? - Yeah.
I found another one.
Well, thank you for your service, Greg.
Very happy to have one of my Marines in costume.
- You're welcome, ma'am.
- Actually, I'm really glad you're here.
These kids terrify me.
But I guess you've seen worse.
You did two tours of Afghanistan? Yes, ma'am.
I saw my best buddy die over there.
Blown to pieces by an IED.
Mr.
Egan.
You have a moment? - Sure.
- Yeah, I'll call you back.
- Hey, Dan.
- I thought you resigned.
I guess the president changed her mind.
It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.
No.
No, this is not This is not real.
You're right, Dan.
It's a dream.
And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.
So am I fired? Please, Ben, don't say that I'm fired.
- You're not fired.
- Oh, thank fuck for that.
- Because you've just resigned.
- It's a perfect fit.
Worked on the Families First bill and handsome, therefore guilty-looking.
No, no.
No.
I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data.
You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant.
You don't threaten this administration because we will fucking destroy you.
We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs.
I cannot endorse that message, but I do acknowledge it.
Come inside.
Hi, boys and girls.
Now, once upon a time, there were three little pigs with their mom, who was an old sow.
And she sent them out to seek their fortune.
Yeah, you know what? I, uh I think I'm gonna need a bigger title before I agree to resign.
How about Captain Loser? Or Big Chief Skidmark? And the president will be making another apology personally to the family of Jennifer Graham.
She is a young girl who did not ask to become a national debating point.
I must be their front-runner.
I already did the job for three years.
- Amy.
- I got to go.
Ben's not going.
It's Dan.
Mike's about to saw off the healthy leg.
Oh, fuck! You can be sure that the president is taking steps to ensure that appropriate action will be taken.
"Little pig, little pig, let me in.
" "No, no.
Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin.
" All right, how about Deputy Assistant to the President? That's funny.
Ben, Mike's about to announce we're firing you.
No, that's funny.
So he huffed and he puffed and he blew his house in.
Now it's the president's turn to tell the story, please.
- You're the president? - Yeah, I'm the president.
Wow.
The Graham family have requested privacy and that we allow them to live a normal life.
Here's the new statement.
Get that to Mike.
I can't run in these heels.
Christian, get that to Mike now! The person with ultimate responsibility is is Dan Egan, Chief Counsel to the President? Come over here, young man.
It looks like you don't feel very good.
- Is that your son? - He's gifted.
There we go.
Uh-oh.
Oh.
- He did have a big breakfast.
- Okay.
Do you like the story that I'm reading? You do? Ew, you guys Hey, man.
Yeah, well, you know, enjoy it.
I'm not here to gloat.
I've been through this.
Just tell me which way the vultures are circling, okay? There's a big media presence by the northwest gate.
You want me to grab one? I'm going out a different door.
Taken enough fucking heat for one day.
That photo of you with the kids will play great.
- Oh, it was so good.
- Yeah.
It was like earth mother meets foster parent with a hint of girl next door.
- I need a scotch.
- Yes.
There you go.
Stay strong, buddy.
- Thanks.
- Hey, let me get this for you.
Oh, God, I meant southeast gate.
- Mr.
Egan, do you feel ashamed of your actions? - Excuse me.
I thought When we discussed, I thought that it was Ben who would be going.
Oh, right.
Yeah, actually, Bill suggested Dan.
- Ah.
- He thought it would be a good idea to keep Ben to take the heat in casthe other data shit hits the fan.
- Good thought, right? - Yeah.
- Just doing my job.
- Me, too.
Stevie, it's Dan Egan.
So, um so it looks like I am a free agent again.
Yeah, so give me a call.
It's the same number as the last two messages.
Hey, Jen, it's Dan.
Either your phone is dead or I am.
So obviously I hope it's the first one.
Josh Stansfield.
How are you? It's Dan Egan.
So, look, I And you've gone.