Weird Science s04e03 Episode Script

You make man.
No.
Woman.
MONSTER: Woman? THEME SONG: Weird Science.
Ooh.
Pictures from a magazine.
Diagrams and charts.
Mending broken hearts.
And making weird science.
Something like a recipe.
Bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces.
This is my creation.
Is it real? It's my creation.
Ooh.
My creation.
It's my creation.
No heart of gold.
Just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
Ooh.
My creation.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand.
Why don't people understand? It's alive.
Alive! [WHIMPERS.]
Hey, Cori.
Ready for our big cyber date? Online and waiting.
I brought you some flowers.
They're beautiful.
Where did you find flat black and white flowers this time of year? [CHUCKLE.]
I like this girl.
My jeep is not a port-a-potty.
You've dropped your last payload, boys.
This time I'm ready.
Tell your friends, Chett's coming.
You're smiling.
You're bouncing.
Online with Cori again, huh? -Got the calluses to prove it.
-Yeah.
I'd be proud.
When are you going to meet her in person? Never.
This is the '90s.
Cyber dating is cool.
No risk.
No rejection.
No watching their faces drop when they finally see me with my shirt off.
One crisis at a time.
Take a chance.
Ask her out on a real date.
Eh.
Human contact's over rated.
Maybe I'll try a joy stick.
WYATT: A real date.
In person.
What do you say? I hope we're doing the right thing.
Relax.
Gary really likes Cori.
He's just scared.
He'll thank me for this.
Like the way he thanked you for making me give him skunk glands.
Hey, we got a B in bio.
Would have been an A if the teacher hadn't spooked him.
Ooh.
She's answering.
This is really exciting.
Gary, I thought you'd never ask.
I'd love to meet you in person.
He shoots.
He scores.
I did it.
We did it.
Hey.
What are you guys doing? We asked Cori on a date for you.
She said yes.
You did what? You guys have ruined my life forever.
Why are you so afraid to meet this girl? You want to know.
I'll show you.
This is Cori.
So.
She's cute.
And this is me.
You sent her a picture of a different guy? A handsome guy.
This guy isn't any better looking than you are.
Are you kidding? He's got the look.
He's in a magazine.
Oh, he's pierced.
Can I keep this? So basically, your relationship with Cori is built on a lie.
It was just one lie, wasn't it? At first.
But one lie leads to another until she thinks I invented the wonder bra, drive a Maserati, and play the yellow Power Ranger on TV.
Boy, you really told some whoppers.
Now, because of you guys, she's going to find out what a lying little weasel I really am in person.
I thought the yellow Power Ranger was a girl.
I really feel bad about this.
Good.
Is there any way I can make it up to you? Nope.
I'll give you five bucks.
It's a start.
Gary, I figured out a solution to your dating problem.
Thanks, Lis.
I'm not that desperate.
It's not for you.
It's for Cori.
It's a puppet.
Where are the strings? We don't need strings.
We've got a remote.
Hey.
It's the guy from the picture.
Just call me Geppetto.
I don't get it.
Geppetto was Pinocchio's dad.
I know that.
I don't get how this helps me.
Hi, Cori.
My name's Gary.
I'll be your date for the evening.
Blink.
Smile.
Pucker.
Pucker.
Oh, I think it's the little knob on the right.
Pucker.
I think he's ready.
I'll be the judge of that.
If this guy's going to wow Cori, he needs some of those famous Gary Wallace moves.
Now, he's ready.
I'm so glad you actually look like your picture.
On the net, you never know what you're going to get.
Yeah.
You got to be careful though.
A lot of desperate horny losers out there willing to do anything for a date.
Not me though.
What you see is what you get.
Oh, yum.
This looks great.
I love Chinese food.
Me too.
Best part about it, it's really fun to say Kung Pao.
Moo goo gai pan.
Poo poo-- Platter.
[GIGGLING.]
I'd like to welcome all you pigeons aboard flight 107, your captain today is Chett Donnelly.
Your destiny, hell.
[COOING.]
Thanks for dinner, Gary.
I had great time.
Me too.
Maybe we can do something again sometime.
Do you mean face to face without a keyboard? I don't know.
WYATT: You kissed? Yeah.
And not some wimpy thanks a lot, now get the hell out of my life.
This was major tongue aerobics.
She kissed the puppet.
Yeah.
It was perfect.
Moonlight.
Warm summer air.
It's got to be love.
Gary, she kissed the puppet.
Yeah, I know that-- Puppet.
Oh man.
This puppet guy thing sucks.
Looks like you're going to have to tell Cori the truth.
Are you kidding? It's time for plan B.
Tomorrow night, I get puppet guy here to introduce Cori to his best friend and Mr.
Right.
Me.
Cori, I'd like you to meet my best friend and all-around good guy, Grover.
Nice to meet you, Grover.
Uh, my friends call me Nick.
But that never stuck, so Grover it is.
I thought you two should meet.
Grover here's one of the greatest guys around.
He's smart, sexy, athletic, and funny.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha ha.
I mean how can you resist him really? I wouldn't blame you if you dumped me and walked out here with him right now.
I mean look at this beautiful brute.
Can't compete with this action.
Hold on to this one.
He's a keeper.
Excuse me a sec.
Stop.
You want to get her to like you.
Don't you? Just tone it down a little.
OK.
Gary, are you OK? We've got a man down on the field.
Power nap.
What do you say we go for a drive? [THUNDER.]
You may want to turn those wipers on, Gary.
Headlights wouldn't kill you either.
Whoops.
My bad.
That's the radio, big guy.
There you go.
Radio.
Headlights.
There are too many buttons in these cars.
Uh-oh.
What? Tunnel.
Tunnel? BOTH: Tunnel! WYATT: We're losing the signal.
[STATIC CRACKLING.]
[CAR HORN BEEPS.]
This guy loves to nap.
I'm sorry about that tunnel thing.
Oh no.
That's OK.
Those concrete dividers steered the car for you.
It's all my fault.
I'm a walking medical defect.
I'm not fit to date.
Grover here though.
Man, is he in great shape.
Firm definition.
Tight abs.
[GRUNT.]
I think she gets the picture.
Thank you.
I'm worried about Gary.
I don't think he's well.
He gets that way.
Listen.
Maybe we could go out some time.
Just the two of us.
How can you think about that right now? What about Gary? He's fine.
How's Satur-- Uh-oh.
You did that on purpose.
Who are you talking to? I'm OK.
Really.
Ready to go, Fozzy? Grover.
Whatever.
That's it.
You're coming inside.
You can spend the night here.
Oh.
Give me a break.
And why don't you go crawl back under your rock? I don't know why you're friends with this guy.
You're obviously not well.
And all he cares about is hitting on me.
It's sick.
Come on.
I'll take care of you.
Hey.
Did you have a nice evening? BOTH: Oh yeah.
And I got the calluses to prove it.
I always end up the big loser in these things.
But this time, that's not going to happen.
Lis, I want you to turn me into that guy.
You want me to make the puppet a real boy? Forget about making him a real boy.
I just made him a man.
Lisa, Cori wants this guy.
So I got to be this guy.
It's the only way this is going to work.
OK, Gare.
If that's what you want.
That's what you get.
Gary? Is that you in there? It's me all right.
Only now, I've got the look.
Lisa, what did you do? I put Gary's mind in the puppet's body.
He's in control now.
Huh.
Well, I guess we don't need this anymore.
Uh, Lise, where is Gary's body? LISA: Hm.
Well, I'm sure it'll turn up.
Hi.
Is this your locker now? Why.
Yes, it is.
What happened to the other guy? Why, you, uh, miss him? Kind of.
All I had to do is smile, and he gave me anything.
His lunch money, his homework, his car keys.
Ha.
What an idiot.
You said it.
[SIGH.]
I guess when you're good looking, you can get away with that kind of stuff.
Like I need to tell you that.
I'm in the club.
Oh.
This baby's got it all.
Motion sensitive targeting system, self-arming sidewinders, multiple-head nuclear payload.
I think it's time to feed the birdies.
Pigeon command, we are clear for takeoff.
[EXPLOSION.]
Sorry, Mr.
Patterson.
Are you feeling all right, Gary? You're not tired? Nope.
I'm feeling great.
Gotcha.
[LAUGHS.]
It's hard to believe we've only been out three times.
I mean I feel so comfortable with you.
There's something special happening here.
You know, I think it's because our relationship is so honest.
Lying's just not my style.
Gary, is everything OK? What? Sure.
Yeah.
Uh.
Where was I? Something about how lying's not your style.
Right.
Right.
I've always thought that the best way to get to know someone is to let them get to know me.
No games.
That's so true.
Tell me something.
Do you like poetry? Yes.
I knew it.
I could tell.
Um.
I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.
I'll be right here.
Thinking of you.
Excuse me.
Hey, stud puppet.
How's your romantic evening? What the hell? They've turned into wood.
It'll be OK.
Oh yeah.
Sure.
We'll keep on dating.
Eventually get married.
Maybe one day build a house out of my legs.
Calm down.
It's just the Pinocchio syndrome.
The what? The Pinocchio syndrome.
You know how Pinocchio's nose grew.
Well, every time you tell a lie you're one step closer to being a real puppet.
I wasn't lying.
Oh man.
I'm going to wind up one big Lincoln log.
There is a way out.
My dad's got a belt sander.
Look.
All you gotta do is stop lying and start telling the truth.
And everything will go back to normal.
Stop lying.
I can do that.
I'm an honest guy.
Toasty.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
I'm sorry I took so long.
But there's something I wanted to do for you.
You're going to think I'm so corny, but here.
I wrote something for you.
Could you open it for me? It's more romantic that way.
Now, I want you to tell me what you think.
Be honest.
Honest? [SIGH.]
This is so sweet of you.
Well, what do you think? It's really rhymy.
Sigh, sky.
Easy on the ear.
Well, do you think it's good? Cori, I've got to tell you something.
You know before when I told you I liked poetry, well, that was-- An understatement? More like a lie.
I don't like-- I hate poetry actually.
I just wanted to impress you.
Oh.
Well, I am impressed.
It is nice to meet a guy who's not afraid to tell the truth.
Huh.
Well, as a matter of fact, I've been lying about all kinds of stuff.
You have? Oh yeah.
Like for example, I didn't ask you on that first date.
My buddy Wyatt did.
Yes! Yes, he did, because I was scared to death to meet you in person.
I felt that I had to build myself up so you'd like me.
And that stuff about me inventing the wonder bra.
Lie.
Everything I said was a lie.
I didn't really take a bullet for the president.
Hell, I don't even know who the president is.
And this scar, didn't get it from a shark bite.
Nope.
Peels right off.
See.
And the biggest lie of all is I'm not even me.
Ha ha.
I'm a puppet.
A puppet? Don't even ask me to explain that one.
Well, you don't have to.
Huh? You're right.
You are a puppet.
I see it now.
You do? I mean we're all puppets.
We are? Oh, that's a beautiful metaphor.
Gary Wallace, you may think you don't like poetry, but you have the soul of a poet.
Huh.
Then, let's not sit here and mope.
Let's go somewhere dark and grope.
Oh, Gary.
Pigeon flambe.
Oh.
[FRENCH.]
Tora.
Tora.
Tora.
[GEARS TURNING.]
Come on.
Gary, is something wrong? Huh.
No.
Just had to stand.
-Ready to go? -Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
So what's the deal there? Someone must be operating on his frequency.
[GROAN.]
What are you doing? Pinched nerve.
I'm fine.
WAITRESS: Watch it.
What's your problem? [GROAN.]
Was that, like, a seizure or something? I have no idea what just happened.
Piece of crap.
Help.
Gary, are you OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
I think so.
Good.
Good.
That means you're strong.
You're a survivor.
Strong enough to beat this problem.
With your help.
Actually, no.
Look.
The napping, the twitching, the slamming into walls.
It's just too freaky for me.
I'm sorry, Gary.
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) From hell's heart I stab at thee, pigeons.
Victory is mine.
[LAUGHING.]
Swing it around.
Where you going? Bring her back.
Bring her back.
Please.
Beverly, come on, baby.
I'm going back to lying.
At least, I do it well.
Good to see you learned your lesson.
Yeah.
I learned my lesson.
The truth bites.
Now, if you don't mind, Lisa, I'd like my old body back.
Are you sure you don't want to hang out in this one a little longer? We could go see a movie.
You don't know where it is.
Do you? Come on, Wyatt.
Let's go find a paper.
WOMAN: Well, I say we meet them there.
Excuse me.
Have you seen this body around? Mm-mm.
Anywhere? THEME SONG: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips.
Shooting from the hip.
Something different.
We're making weird science.
Ooh.
Pictures from a magazine.
Bits and pieces.
Bit and pieces.
My creation.
Is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand.
Why don't people understand my intentions? [MUSIC PLAYING.]