You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s04e03 Episode Script

1 From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club The Charleston at The Ritz And at the Troc, do the turkey trot They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits Saucy flappers in cloche hats Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? - Is she here yet? - No.
And here it is, ten past eight.
That floor won't be ready before his lordship comes down.
- I shall deduct one hour from her wages.
- Aw, poor Mabel! She might've had an accident.
She was probably drunk last night and couldn't get out of bed.
Doesn't earn enough money to get drunk, especially with you making deductions for the littlest thing.
It's the only language her sort understand.
In any case, how I administer the wages of menials is of no concern of yours, Ivy.
- Take those cups and wash them up.
- Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
If that floor is still wet when his lordship comes down, he could slip.
I shall stand at the bottom and warn him.
You could take your coat off and lay it down, like Sir Walter Raleigh.
Don't be impertinent! - They missed me? - Oh, Mabel, of course they missed you! - Where've you been? - I've been walking up and down outside, trying to decide what to do.
I found this.
Oh, what a lovely purse.
It's real crocodile skin.
Yeah, and look, there's five lovely pound notes inside.
You'll have to take it to the police at once.
Oh, no! If I take it to the police, that's the last anybody'll see of it.
I don't trust 'em.
Just look at that.
Five pounds.
That's six months' rent.
Or three months' beer money.
Depending on how you look at it.
- Mabel, that's stealing.
- Not yet, it isn't .
- There's no name and address inside.
- There's an H on it.
- But that could be anybody.
- It doesn't seem right to keep it.
I know! That's why I've been walking up and down, trying to decide.
- Look, Ivy.
Promise you won't tell anyone.
- No, I won't say anything.
Look, Mabel.
It's nothing to do with me but I think you ought to hand it in.
Hurry up.
You know you mustn't be seen upstairs after half past eight in the morning.
Oh, yeah, I know that all right.
I only hope when I die, I can conk out in the middle of the night.
Otherwise, the good Lord will say, "We can't have Mabel up here after half past eight in the morning.
" Well, here we go.
Good luck.
(Twelvetrees and Lipton ) Mabel, where have you been? Hurry up, Mabel! Delay sounding the breakfast gong.
Mabel hasn't finished.
- Do you know how late she was? - No, I didn't time her.
43 and a half minutes.
She'll have to go.
What are you talking about? She's a good worker.
Could you keep body and soul together on threepence an hour? - Brewers get more than their fair share.
- Fair do's , they don't anything from you.
Nonsense! I enjoy the odd glass occasionally.
I didn't know you enjoyed anything occasionally.
What you need, James Twelvetrees, is a good drink and a bad woman.
I am not in the mood for your filth at nine in the morning.
All right, I'll tell you at tea time.
(Meldrum ) I'm going down.
I've got one or two people arriving at ten.
Oh, my God! - Good Lord, who are you? - Mabel.
- Mabel who? - Just Mabel.
- I do for you.
- Oh, yes, of course.
- How are you? - Very well, thank you, m'lord.
Good.
- Your Times, m'lord.
- Thank you.
- A little porridge this morning? - Please, Stokes.
Not too much cream.
Yes, m'lord.
A bit more than that! What on earth's going on? That dreadful scarecrow of a woman is washing the floor.
It's still wet! - I could have slipped on my BTM.
- (Cissy ) Morning.
- Morning.
- Just coffee for me, please, James.
Did you see how wet the floor was? It's jolly dangerous.
(Teddy yells) Oh, my God! The bally floor's wet.
- I nearly broke my bally neck.
- Sorry! Shall I dismiss the woman? If I may say so, sir, I accept full responsibility.
I gave the woman permission to be late this morning, to take her sick baby to the infirmary.
Isn't she rather old to have a baby? Yes, sir, she adopted the child.
It was homeless and starving.
In spite of the fact that she's desperately poor, she gave it shelter and comfort.
- She has a very warm heart.
- Oh, I didn't know.
- James, this toast is all soggy.
- I'll get some at once, miss.
- More coffee, please, James.
- Certainly, Miss Cissy.
Taking her baby to the infirmary? I've never heard such rubbish in all my born days.
Us working class must stick together.
Us working class? Don't you lump me together with Mabel.
I set my sights a bit higher than that.
You should look down occasionally.
Let's be quite frank, Daddy.
You show no consideration whatsoever to the servants.
- You treat them as part of the furniture.
- Why should Daddy show concern? They're very boring and very stupid.
Except James, of course.
Let's face it, Daddy.
When was the last time you went downstairs to the kitchens? - Or inspected the servants' bedrooms? - Uncle Teddy used to do it regularly.
- He inspected the occupants as well.
- Oh, ha, ha, ha.
- Poppy, I've warned you once - Don't change the subject, Daddy.
- Where do you think their bedrooms are? - Upstairs somewhere.
Yes, but where do they all sleep? What are their rooms like? Are they comfortable? Have they got enough bedclothes? - Your dear mother saw to all that.
- Well, you should do it now.
- She's quite right, Daddy.
- All right, I'll do it.
When I've got time.
Sir.
Excuse me, m'lord, I've taken Lady Lavender's breakfast up but she won't touch it.
She wouldn't even throw the porridge at me.
- That sounds bad.
- She's pining after that wretched parrot.
Stokes, his lordship will be inspecting the servants' bedrooms this morning.
- Won't you, Daddy? - Er Yes.
- Erm What time had you in mind, sir? - I didn't know.
- What time do you suggest? - Mrs Lipton starts lunch at 12:15.
May I suggest 12:00 and that you do her first? Oh, right.
Very well.
I'll inform Mrs Lipton that at midday you will be looking at her quarters.
(Rings ) - Hello? - Oh, thank God it's you, Teddy Bear.
It's me, Madge.
I can't stand it.
I just had to ring you.
I can't stand it a moment longer.
- What can't you stand? - Well, I can't take it.
It's too long.
- What's too long? - It's two whole weeks since I've seen you, since I've felt your strong arms around me, looked into your sensitive face, seen those full, sensual lips of yours, and your eyes burning with desire.
Oh, Teddy Bear.
My whole body is on fire for you! I say, steady on, old girl.
I know I've said lots of mad things, but you've made one or two little mistakes.
- Well, five, actually.
- Well, that's all in the past.
Let's pretend nothing happened.
Let's start all over again.
Oh, Teddy Bear, I must see you.
Can you keep your voice down? Somebody might hear.
I don't care.
Nothing matters any more.
I'm coming round.
Now! What? What? Hello? Hello? You look a little disturbed, sir.
Are you all right? That was Madge Cartwright.
She's coming round.
(Bell) My God! She must have run.
I hardly think so, sir.
She lives in Mayfair.
She wants to pretend nothing's happened, to start all over again.
- What am I going to do? - If you were to tell his lordship of this, he might in the circumstances cancel your passage to Malaya.
But I'll have to marry the bally woman.
Not straightaway, sir.
You'd have to set a date.
That could take four to five weeks.
Then the banns would have to be read.
We'd have all that time to manoeuvre.
To think up something else.
- By Jove, you're right, Stokes.
- Sir.
(Bell ringing) What's the matter with them? Are they all asleep? Open the damn door! Where have you been? I've been banging for half an hour.
I'm sorry, sir.
Mr Teddy was on the phone and I was giving him advice.
Can't he even use the phone on his own? The man's an idiot.
- His lordship's in the study, sir.
- I'll go straight through.
The place is swimming with water.
Does the roof leak? The place is falling to pieces.
Why doesn't Meldrum spend some money on it? Look at this.
Look at it.
Look at that.
Oh George! Agatha! - Where's Ralph? - In the hall! Oh, good! Look at this.
Look! Your walls are falling down.
What do you mean by tearing off wallpaper? What does it matter? You can have the place repapered.
- I'm dying for a coffee.
- Yes, of course.
- I'll ring for James.
- I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Look! Everything's broken! Mind you, these houses were jerry-built to start with.
They were nothing of the sort! You wrenched it off from the wall! It came away in my hand, you saw! Spend money or the whole place will come falling round your ankles.
That's the trouble with you.
You don't like putting your hand in your pocket.
Which is why I'm here.
The Bishop has persuaded me to give a servants' ball in aid of his charity.
- A servants' ball? - You buy tickets for them.
The money goes to the home for distressed gentlewomen.
Ralph is letting them have our ballroom and he's paying for all the food and drink, and absolutely everything.
He is so generous, aren't you, darling? Only for you, Aggie, darling.
Only for you.
He denies me absolutely nothing.
How could I? - So I want 50 quid from you.
- What?! George will do anything to make distressed gentlewomen happy, won't you, George? How very generous of his lordship.
It'll be just like the old days.
Do you remember the wonderful servants' balls we used to have down at the hall when her ladyship was alive? - What were they like? - Had lots to eat, did they? - Get on with your work, Mabel.
- Lots to eat and lots to drink.
And dancing.
And prizes for the best-looking butler and the best-looking maid.
I won that two years running.
1895 and 1896.
- And of course, the best-looking footman.
- Mr Twelvetrees'll win that! One shouldn't count one's chickens.
Though I must admit I do stand a very good chance.
Tell you one thing, you'll get the prize for the most pompous footman.
- I think it will be lovely.
What do we wear? - The men wear their uniforms.
- We are allowed to wear pretty dresses.
- Miss Cissy gave me two lovely day dresses.
- I haven't got anything for the evening.
- I might be able to find you something, Ivy.
You'll probably have to take it in a bit.
I saw that! - Morning, all.
- Morning, Constable.
You're late for your cup of tea, Constable.
We were going to clear away.
I was called round to Lady Hampshire's house.
She's lost her purse.
Yes, you couldn't miss it.
No, it's crocodile skin with a silver H on the side.
- H for Hampshire.
- Was there any money in it? - Yeah, a lot, five pounds.
- Hasn't it been handed in? - No.
- Well, she can afford it.
That's not the point.
It's against the law.
It's known as stealing by finding.
Is there some tea in that pot, Mrs Lipton? Oh, Mabel, I'm sorry.
- You'll have to give it back now.
- I know.
All that money.
A fortune! And I had it in me hand.
- You better give it to the Constable.
- No, I'll take it back meself.
I might get a reward.
Five shillings, half a crown.
Even a shilling.
- You will take it back? - Yeah, I promise.
I'll do it tomorrow.
- Promise? - Promise.
- (Bell) - (Mrs Lipton ) Ivy, Lady Lavender's ringing.
Right, I'm coming.
- (Knocking) - Come in.
- You rang, m'lady? - (Sobs and sniffs ) Yes.
I've just finished this poem dedicated to my poor Captain.
I'd like you to read it out to me.
I want to hear it.
"Dear two-footed, white-beaked, feathered friend "What a pity it had to end" Well, go on.
"You fell off your lovely wooden perch "Leaving me stranded, in the lurch "I'll pray for you in church "I miss you verymurch.
" - What do you think? - Erit's quite nice.
Good.
I'm going to carve it on Captain's tombstone.
I want you to go out and buy me one.
- Where from? - Well, where do you think, girl? A tombstone shop, of course! - Does it look all right, Henry? - Very clean, Mrs Lipton.
- Not a speck of dust anywhere.
- Oh, wait a minute.
He might look under the bed.
Oh, I don't want him to think I use one of these.
Oh, how embarrassing! - Hide it.
- Where? Hide it in your room.
You won't be embarrassed.
I might be if his lordship asks why I've got two chambers under my bed.
This way, m'lord.
Mind the carpet.
It has a few holes in it.
Thanks.
Well, nobody sees it, do they? - Henry.
- Good morning, your lordship.
- Something odd about that boy.
- An orphan, sir.
He had a terrible childhood.
Oh! Yes, well, that probably explains it.
This is Mrs Lipton's room, sir.
Very nice.
Quite charming.
What pretty curtains.
Don't worry, sir.
I'll soon fix that.
Yes.
- Do you get enough air up here, Mrs Lipton? - Oh, yes, sir.
A lot of air.
- Is it draughty in the winter? - Eryes, sir.
Especially when the wind blows.
- We're high up, you see.
- Indeed.
Oh, yes, sir.
We get a lot of wind up here.
What's that place down there? - The yard outside the kitchen, sir.
- Oh, yes, so it is.
- What are those things? - Dustbins, sir.
Have you got everything you want? Oh, yes, m'lord, I'm very comfortable, thank you.
Good.
- You haven't got a chamber pot.
- Oh, no, my Lord.
We can't have you walking down a windy passage in the middle of the night.
- Buy one, Stokes, with flowers on it.
- Yes, sir.
Well, thank you, Mrs Lipton.
I shall think of you up here in the winter.
- With the wind.
- Thank you very much, your lordship.
- What's next? - Ivy's room, sir.
- Damn.
- More holes, sir.
This is Ivy's room, sir.
Come in.
Ah, Ivy.
What pretty curtains.
- Do all the curtains do this? - Sir, I'll get a workman in to fix them.
Good.
- Are those the same dustbins? - Yes, sir.
- Who's this? - My mother, sir.
Very nice.
You take after her.
Same glasses.
- Is this your father? - Yes, sir.
- No, sir.
- Hold on a minute! - It looks like you, Stokes.
- It is, sir.
Ivy had it framed as a joke.
I see.
Were you a cowboy? No, sir, I was on the halls.
Did a turn, did you? Acted the giddy goat! No, sir, I threw knives.
James's room is down the passage, sir.
I don't think I'll bother.
They all look alike, don't they? - Like Chinamen.
- I beg your pardon.
I said, like Chinamen.
They all look alike.
Hmm.
Thank you.
( # Swing plays) I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
For heaven's sake, Poppy, will you shut that door? You bad-tempered little cat.
Come on, Uncle Teddy, dance with me.
Take your mind off things.
Come on! How can I take my mind off things? Madge said she'd be round here right away.
- Two hours ago.
- Look on the bright side.
- She may have got run over.
- Do you think so? Let's dance, then! (Record scratches ) - Cissy! - If that isn't the giddy limit! That was the Daily Sketch on the telephone, wanting to know if I would put up a barricade in the Mall to stop the debutantes being presented at court.
You shouldn't mix with all those Bolsheviks.
- (Klaxon ) - (Madge ) Teddy bear! - Look what I've got for you.
- Oh, Lord, it's Madge.
Teddy bear! Sorry I'm late.
I went to the showroom to collect this.
It's a present for you.
To sayI'm sorry.
Golly.
She's sorry! You might as well give up, Uncle Teddy, you're never going to get away from her.
Oh, Mr Twelvetrees! You will make a note that I got here 40 and a half minutes early, won't you? It has been noted, Mabel.
- I'm not asking for any more money.
- It's just as well.
You won't get any.
Ivy, you've forgotten to give Miss Poppy her side plate.
I'm sorry, Mr Twelvetrees.
I forget little things when I get excited.
A side plate is not a little thing, Ivy.
It is very important.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
Are you getting excited? - What about? - The servants' ball.
I've given it very little consideration.
It's very generous of his lordship.
Of course, I will attend and give it my support out of respect for his wishes.
I see Anyway, you must go.
You might win the best-looking footman prize.
I'm not really interested in that sort of thing.
No, of course not.
Ivy, Miss Poppy's napkin is in the wrong place.
I'm sorry, Mr Twelvetrees.
It goes on the plate, doesn't it? Mr Twelvetrees, do people go to these servants' balls in couples? I'm not acquainted with the transport arrangements.
No.
No, I mean, are you going to take Mrs Lipton? Certainly not.
That is Mr Stokes' responsibility.
Who will you be going with? Ivy, you're a very nice, kind girl.
I know what you're hinting at but I cannot be tied to personal arrangements with you.
I shall go to the ball, you will go, we will all go to the ball.
That is all there is to it.
Now, please get some matches to light the hotplate.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
Look at that.
You can see your face in it.
- I've come to black the grate.
- All right.
- I've been thinking about this ball thing.
- So have I.
(Sniffs ) - Have you got a cold? - Era bit.
- Get rid of that in time for the ball.
- I will.
Look, Ivy.
I've been thinking about this all night and if I put it off any longer, I'll lose my courage.
Could we, like, go to the ball together? I mean, would you go with me? Aw, Henry.
Hello, my little ray of sunshine.
Tell you one thing.
I'm glad they're not having that ball in this house.
- Oh, yes? - The mess after the last do they had here.
- Who are you taking? - I've given it very little thought.
I suppose I'll be saddled with Mrs Lipton.
Hey! You could take Mabel! - Don't be absurd.
- You've got very little choice.
- It'll have to be Ivy.
- Why do I have to go with anybody? - Why can't we all go together? - Come on! You know she's crazy about you.
I can't think why.
She's a bit simple, of course.
- She's a very nice girl.
- Then why don't you ask her, then? Have a heart.
She'll be over the moon.
- Here are the matches, Mr Twelvetrees.
- Thank you, Ivy.
Ivy, regarding the subject of the ball that we were discussing a few minutes ago.
- Oh, yes? - I've been speaking to your father.
On consideration, I am prepared to escort you to the ball.
Oh, I see.
At the same time, I must ask you to promise me that you won't get overexcited like you have done in the past and cause me any embarrassment, is that clear? - Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
- Good.
- That's settled, then.
- I'm afraid not.
I'm going with Henry.
(Water running) Oh! Come on, give us a kiss.
What, at twenty past eight in the morning? Oh, what has come over you, Constable? - I might enquire the same of you.
- What are you talking about? I've noticed a change of attitude in the last few months, Mrs Lipton.
- What do you mean, Constable? - Before Mr Stokes, we had an understanding.
Shh! - Keep your voice down.
- I bring you flowers.
I compliment you on your cooking, yet you seem to have set your cap at Mr Stokes.
Oh, that's not true.
He's ill-used me of late.
He's taken advantage of my good nature.
I hope he hasn't taken advantage of anything else.
- Least said, soonest mended.
- Then declare yourself, Mrs Lipton! - Where do you stand? - Oh, don't rush me, Constable.
Look, don't delay too long.
Although I'm a constable in the Metropolitan police, I'm only human.
Oh, I know that, Constable.
I can see it in you all the time.
Then can't you give me some hint of how you feel? I, er I tell you what.
You shall accompany me to the servants' ball as my guest.
Mrs Lipton Blanche What can I say? Oh, I shall be able to hold you in my arms and dance the night away.
Can I bring you home afterwards and give you a big, long kiss? We shall see.
Sufficient unto the day, Constable, that's what I always say.
I can't believe it.
My heart's pounding, my temples are throbbing.
I think I'd better get back on the beat and calm myself down.
Just look at the colour of that water.
You'd think I hadn't done the hall for a month! Mabel, how many times have I told you not to empty your dirty bucket in that sink? - Use the drain in the yard.
- It's bunged up.
- Go and unbung it.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Blanche, I'm glad I've got you alone.
I don't suppose there'll be much booze at that ball, it'll be that watery punch.
How about taking a taxi and having a few gins before we get there? I'll pay.
You and me, Alf Stokes? I wasn't aware that I'd consented to accompany you.
- Well, I took it for granted.
- That's the trouble with you, Alf.
You take too much for granted.
It so happens that my beau for the evening will be Constable Wilson.
What? Him? You prefer that flat-footed copper to me? Well, now that you ask, yes.
And if you will excuse me, I have the breakfast to attend to.
Eggs do not scramble themselves.
Well, I'll be Oh, Dad, I'm ever so worried.
Do you think I upset Mr Twelvetrees by saying I wouldn't go to the ball with him? He shouldn't take you for granted.
The drain is now unbunged.
It gurgled a fair treat.
Mabel, have you given that purse back yet? No, I'm gonna do it this afternoon.
- What purse is that? - It was like this.
Mabel was walking I'll tell you later.
Ivy, put those dishes for the kidneys and bacon in the oven to warm.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
Erm, excuse me.
I don't want to push myself forward, but I'd like to ask a question.
- In this household do I class as a servant? - Why do you ask? Well, I was wondering, do I get invited to this do? Aw! That would be lovely, wouldn't it? Be quiet, Ivy.
Don't be impertinent, Mabel.
Of course you don't .
I should think not! In all my years in service, I've never heard of a charlady being invited to a servants' ball.
Is that so? Well, she's being invited now.
Mabel, may I have the honour to escort you to the ball as my guest? Mr Stokes! - Yes? - Can I see Lady Hampshire, please? - What? - Lady Hampshire.
Can I see her? You'd better wait.
Mr Perkins.
There's a woman at the door.
- I think you'd better come.
- (Man groans ) What do you want? Can I see Lady Hampshire, please? You? Certainly not! Can't you read? I'm not a hawker or a circular.
I found this.
- Well, give it here.
- I think it's Lady Hampshire's .
I found it in the street.
There's five pounds in it.
Five pounds, you say? Mmm One, two, three, four.
- There's a pound missing.
- No, there's not.
There is now.
- You pinched it.
- Really? - I just saw you.
- Clear off! Otherwise I'll call a policeman and tell him you took it.
Go on! Get off with you! Get right off! Go on! What are we supposed to wear to this wretched ball? I hope it's not long dresses and tiaras.
Because if it is, I will not be there! As a member of the United Workers Party, I'd thought you'd enjoy waiting on servants.
I find the whole thing pretentious and patronising.
Just think of it.
All those maids in cheap dresses.
They'll look absolute frights.
Look, Poppy.
I usually help Ivy by finding her something, but I haven't got evening dresses.
- I don't suppose you could sort her out? - Certainly not! Why on earth should I? Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself? Oh, all right, I'll dig out some old thing.
She'll look a mess, whatever she wears.
Now, you wait here, Mabel, and whatever Lady Lavender says, you agree with her.
Come in.
Excuse me, m'lady, but Mabel's outside.
You promised to lend her a dress for the ball.
Oh, yes, come in! Oh, Lady Mabel, how nice to see you.
(Posh voice ) Charmed, I'm sure! Oh, I do like your skirt.
What lovely material! Where did you get it? Covent Garden.
It's a tater sack.
Tatersach.
Tatersach.
Now, that's a designer I don't think I know.
Is he French? No It had King Edwards in it.
I beg your pardon.
King Edwards - Was in it.
- Really? Our Bertie had some very strange habits.
He did upset the old Queen so.
Erm, Lady Lavender, you said you were going to give her a dress.
Oh, yes.
Dear, come to the wardrobe.
I've got a lot of stuff here.
I wonder you don't ask Mr Tatersach to make something for you.
You'd better hurry up, Ivy, or you'll never be ready on time.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
- There, that's done.
- Good.
- ErmMiss Poppy? - Hmm? - Did you find a dress for me? - Yes, of course.
That pink one hanging up on the wardrobe.
- Oh, it's lovely.
- Take it.
Oh! Thanks ever so, Miss Poppy.
I'll take ever such care of it.
It doesn't matter.
You can keep it.
- I don't know what to say! - Don't say anything.
Give me my wrap.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
(Gasps ) Oh, no, look what I've done.
How clumsy of me.
Now you won't be able to go.
Never mind.
It'll be ever so boring.
I wish I wasn't going.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
The ladies' pinnies.
- Oh, Charles, do we have to? - You have to serve the servants.
It's part of the fun.
You don't want to spill anything on your pretty frocks.
And things.
You're in charge of doling out the cup.
Give them plenty.
There's nothing in it.
- More champagne? - Thank you.
There's another case under the table.
Teddy, you do the sausage rolls.
Poppy, can you manage fish-paste sandwiches? As long as I don't have to eat them! I'll do the jellies and blancmanges.
Lots of it! - What shall I do? - You stay with me, my girl.
Keep the screens closed.
We don't want the servants to see we're eating lobster.
(Orchestra tuning) Excuse me, sir.
Are you announcing the guests? - What on earth for? - Selfridge can't do it.
He's a guest himself.
Quite right, m'lady.
It is usual, sir, to take the invitation, read it, and stand like this.
- I shall do nothing of the sort.
You do it.
- Very well, sir.
They're starting to arrive.
You better get on with it.
They're here.
We've got to greet the guests.
Isn't this fun? Pinnies on, ladies.
Come on, come on! George, get your crowd to stand by.
Mr Jethro Higgins, butler, and Miss Sarah Jones.
We're not ready yet.
- Right, we're ready.
- Right.
Oh! Lovely! It's all wibbly-wobbly! Mr James Twelvetrees, footman from the household of Lord Meldrum.
On his own.
- Evening, James.
- Evening, m'lord.
- Good evening, Sir Ralph.
M'lady.
- James! My, my! I'm sure you're going to win the best-looking footman prize.
- Thank you, m'lady.
- I shall save lots of dances for you.
Oh, no, you won't , my dear.
You're up to your old tricks.
I shall be watching you.
James.
You're alone.
I thought you'd be bringing Ivy.
I don't know why you should think that, Miss Poppy.
Ivy is coming with Henry.
Good, then I shall have you all to myself.
Constable Wilson of the Metropolitan Police and Mrs Blanche Lipton, cook of the Meldrum household.
Er, are we going to meet any of your distressed gentlewomen, sir? No, we don't allow them out at night.
Really? Why's that? I'd rather not go into it at the moment.
Oh, Mr Stokes! I hope I haven't kept you waiting.
- Where've you been, Mabel? - I had trouble on the bus.
I couldn't sit down with this bustle.
It doesn't look old-fashioned, does it? - Not a bit.
You look a treat.
- Oh! It's all magic.
- I feel just like Cinderella.
- Yeah, and I'm your Prince Charming.
- Come on.
- Mr Stokes.
Look at that woman! She's like something out of a freak show.
Fancy Mr Stokes bringing her.
He has no sense of position.
I don't see Ivy.
What's happened to her? I don't know.
She hadn't come down when we left.
- Have you tried this stuff? - Yes, tastes like lemonade.
It's only for the servants.
If they have too much, they might forget who they are.
- Excuse me! - What are you doing? Balls are so boring unless everybody gets drunk.
I don't see any sign of Ivy.
I can't imagine why she's so late.
She's been looking forward to tonight for ages.
- Here she is.
- What? Mr Henry Livingstone, boot, and Miss Ivy Teasdale, maid, for Lord Meldrum's lot.
- Where did she get that dress? - I gave it to her.
- You said you didn't have anything.
- Don't you recognise it? - It's one of yours.
- What? - I found it in the back of your wardrobe.
- You cat! - Ivy, you look charming.
- Oh, thank you.
- I'm very proud to be her escort.
- I'm sure you are.
Yes, Ivy, you look charming.
- Doesn't she, Ralph? - Yes, quite the belle of the ball.
Miss Teasdale, may I have this dance? With pleasure, Mr Livingstone.
( # Slow waltz playing) ( # Plays jazz tune ) Come on, everybody, tuck in! Excuse me, sir.
- Guess who.
- Oh! I'd recognise those dear little fingers anywhere! It's me, your little Rose.
- I haven't seen you for weeks.
- I sneaked in round the back.
Oh, Rose! Oh, Mr Teddy! There are people watching.
I don't care! Stop eating that girl, Teddy.
You don't want to bother with sausage rolls! - Get stuck into t'lobster.
- Lovely! - Ralph's looking very sleepy.
- Adultery is the worst thing I deal with.
Well, it's certainly the most popular.
I gave him a pill.
We can sneak off in half an hour.
Under your own roof? You're not thinking of going into the garden, are you? Oh! (Gasps ) Oh, Mabel, ain't it all lovely? I can't remember the last time anything was so lovely.
Here, Ivy, look over there.
You remember that butler I was telling you about? That's him.
Is it? Well, he's not going to get away with it.
I'll tell Mr Stokes.
Oh, Rose.
You're a woman.
I'm a man.
I know.
Now that we've found each other, nothing could ever part us.
Teddy bear! My dance.
I believe.
(Wails) There he is, Mr Stokes.
Come on.
Oi, you.
Come here.
- Are you addressing me? - Yes, you, come over here.
- I believe you know this lady.
- No I've never seen her before in my life.
Let me give your memory a nudge.
She brought back Lady Hampshire's purse and you nicked a pound out of it.
My guess is you told Lady Hampshire you give it to her as a reward, which was very generous of you.
So you can give it to her now.
Come on.
I'm not going to argue with you.
I don't want to make a scene.
There you are, Mabel.
Oh, Mr Stokes.
What a wonderful night.
Eating, drinking, dancing And a quid in me pocket! Heaven! Shall we? Well, Ivy, may I have this dance? Oh, Mr Twelvetrees.
Of course! My whole evening is ruined! I'm going straight home! Get out of my way! Get out of my way! What's wrong with Miss Poppy? I accidentally spilled a glass of red wine down the front of her dress.
I'm very clumsy sometimes.
Oh, Mr Twelvetrees.
You can tread all over my feet and I won't mind a bit.
Hello, it's me, Ivy.
I'm sorry to bother you at three o'clock in the morning, but I did have a lovely time.
The Bishop made a lot of money for the distressed gentlewomen.
Everybody had a lovely time.
And Mabel was only sick once! Oh, and I had a dance with James and it was wonderful! Thank you for making him win the best-looking footman prize.
I think you made the right choice.
I've got to be up early so I'd better go now.
Good night.
Good night, Dorothy.
From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear the same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club The Charleston at the Ritz And at the Troc, do the turkey trot They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.