You're The Worst (2014) s04e03 Episode Script

1 Hello? (WOMAN LAUGHS) (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING) (EDGAR MOANING) Oh, my God.
Jimmy? You're alive! What the hell are you doing?! Jimmy! Oh, no! Oh, dear God, no.
Oh, wait.
No, I'm mad at you.
Hmm.
Well, look who's back.
I (GAGS) I (FLATULENCE) (TY INHALES SHARPLY) Shok-ba delek.
That's "good morning" in Tibetan.
No.
I'm asleep.
You'll want a shower.
I have an outfit for you in the closet.
Ew.
What actress du jour left her stuff here? Shailene Woodley? Greta Gerwig? Little Big Olsen? No, it's all yours.
You left a bunch of your things at my old place.
I did? (GASPS) Holy shit! I've been wondering where that is! (SIGHS LOUDLY) If you could be ready by 10:00, that would be magnificent.
The gang's coming over for our standard Saturday morning yoga brunch slash crossword jam.
Oh, I can't make it.
- It's literally downstairs.
- (PHONE CHIMES) Actually, I could use a Bloody Mary or five.
I'm gonna take you up on that shower.
- Not yet.
- Mmm (SNIFFING) I'm really glad you called, Gretchen.
Thanks, Ty.
(CHUCKLES, SNORTS) Oh, wait.
Okay, cool.
It's all you.
(MOANING) I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
(LINDSAY LAUGHING) EDGAR: Jimmy.
Bro, I have so many questions, but first, bring it in.
Come on, now.
Let's do this.
(JIMMY GROANING) Bring it in.
Ah So? As an act of charity, I'm not going to eviscerate you for apparently moving into my bedroom, or defiling it with Lindsay, of all single-celled life-forms.
I am not single-celled.
I've got cells you've never even heard of.
What are you two doing? I warned you dating Lindsay would be a disaster.
Joke's on you, cupcake.
We're just friends with benefits.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Where's, um where's Gretchen, anyway? I texted her "hey," but she hasn't responded.
Gretchen's staying at my apartment, which used to be a rando's apartment, which used to be an apartment where they hid Cambodian boat people.
It's a whole thing.
I should probably go talk to her, like a man.
She can give me a tongue-lashing, let out all of her anger.
Also, I'm sure she's dying to see the book.
Mm.
I wouldn't go over there.
Sorry, why? What's there to talk about? You bounced, she moved on.
End of story.
Well, there are some things that I would like to discuss.
- Like a man.
- (SCOFFS) Do you really want to see how much better she's doing without you? Well, I'm out.
Great sex, bud.
Real horny.
Wow.
(DOOR CLOSES) Good to see you, too, Jimmy.
Oh, thank you.
Wow.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) (DOOR OPENS) Is that your hot rod in the driveway? Yes.
It is really cool.
I would like to ride in it sometime.
(DOOR CLOSES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Mmm.
Get out.
What? Who are you? I'm the wine guard.
Unauthorized! Get out! Out! Out! Out! (LAUGHS) I'm sorry.
You're really guarding the wine? Yeah.
For cool people like us.
Here.
Ty's parties used to be way more fun before Gavin Rossdale convinced everyone to go to A.
A.
I didn't bang your nanny, bro, why do we all have to be punished? So Who dragged you here? Oh, I woke up here.
You're a Ty girl.
Uh, I'm not a Ty girl.
I'm surprised he let you out of the bedroom.
It's been a minute since I've seen one of you out in the wild.
That Little Big Olsen once made me a pretty good omelet.
You should probably hurry back.
Well, you should probably suck my dick.
You should probably e-eat your own farts and then you should suck my dick again.
(LAUGHS): What? Mm-hmm.
(RAPID KNOCKING ON DOOR) Can you believe that guy?! I know.
Who? Jimmy! He disappears for three months, and then just waltzes back in like nothing ever happened.
- He's a psychopath.
- A total psychopath! Sociopathic psychopath with borderline personality disorder.
Do you know much money I spent setting up 1-833-RU-JIMMY? You can't just go straight Richard Simmons on fools and expect them to be fine when you reappear without explanation who does that?! He didn't just leave Gretchen on that mountain, he left all of us up there.
He better stay away from Gretchen.
I don't need her farting up my couch for the next three months.
Yeah, you really got to throw that thing out.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Wait, didn't we just do this, like, two hours ago? Did we? Eh, it's Saturday.
Good point, bud.
SHITSTAIN: It's actually worth it.
You don't really see any kind of marine life oh.
Here is my and Jaclyn at the Old Lahaina Luau.
We sat with two non-Hodgkin lymphoma researchers from Akron.
(LAUGHS) Oh, and, uh, here we are at Waipu'ilani Beach.
No more honeymoon photos! Unless it's that one of Jaclyn on that whaling boat where her titties are all oiled up.
That one's highly erotic.
I'm sorry Honey Nutz couldn't make it.
He had to attend his godson's wedding.
His godson's wedding? How old is Honey Nutz's godson? I'm not sure, that does seem a little weird.
- Yeah, how does the math work on that? - Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.
- I've always wondered that.
- He's young Yeah, that's-that's true.
Well, you fellas seem to be doing great.
(LAUGHS) I can't believe I didn't even think to ask this earlier.
How's, um, Gretchen? Oh, bitch is great.
Sucks y'all broke up, but sometimes you got to let a good one go.
Yeah.
Gretchen is thriving.
- Great.
- Yeah.
- I am happy to hear that.
- Yeah, oh, I mean, all of her photos from Europe look like she's having a blast.
- Europe? - Yeah, she went to Europe for work.
She said the Daft Punk guys let her try on their masks, but the laser show messed up her phone so she couldn't get a picture.
How long's she been in Europe? - Three months, about.
- Yeah.
Last time we saw her was right before Mahler's Ninth at the Hollywood Bowl.
Right? Yeah, I can't believe they have fireworks after a symphony about Mahler's daughter's death and his impending death - and the death of tonality itself.
- Hmm.
But hey, modern audiences want that razzle dazzle.
(BOTH LAUGH) Good-ass mushroom polenta, too.
- Good-ass mushroom polenta.
- So good.
- So yummy.
- It's usually Wow.
Three months, huh? Right.
Very yummy.
It's a little crusty, a little crusty.
WOMAN: Mats, everyone.
GRETCHEN: Bye, Ty! Thanks for the bagel.
(WHISPERS): And the oral sex.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not driving, are you? Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Oh, no.
Gretchen's 100.
Just had a wee bit of wine.
Smell you later, Cochise.
Hey, Boone.
Can you do me a favor and take Gretchen home? She lives right by you.
Call Uber, like a normal person.
No, they stopped picking me up months ago 'cause I tried to get my driver to drag race Angelyne.
Fine.
But no pee breaks and no pit stops.
I was supposed to be back in Eagle Rock hours ago.
Eagle Rock! (LAUGHS) Dork.
You are a gem.
(EXHALES) Can we go now, or you guys still need to do hand stuff? (SCOFFS) Get out of here.
Careful.
Bye, Boonie.
(SINGING ALONG TO RADIO): Bill collector called today Shove The IRS is on my case Shove My boss says I should comb my hair Shove My father says I'm going nowhere Hey, hey, hey.
Uh, I'm right over here.
Uh, the real ugly one.
(GRETCHEN SIGHS, LAUGHS) Look at that stupid-ass car.
Hey! Small dick! Show me your micro - Drive! Drive! - What? - Drive! - Stop hitting me! I don't even know you.
- Drive! - No! - (ENGINE REVVING) - No! (MOANING) (SIGHS) (MOANING CONTINUES) (HIGH-PITCHED MOANING, GRUNTING) (SCREAMS) - (LINDSAY SHRIEKS) - Jimmy! Oh, my God! Where are the two of you not having sex? What are you doing here? I'm I'm dropping off Gretchen's stuff.
LINDSAY: Well, the last thing Gretchen needs right now is to see your dumb face.
I thought you said she was fine.
Well, she's not.
Okay? You devastated her.
She didn't leave this apartment for months.
And this is not a good apartment.
Well, then, clearly, Gretchen needs to face her anger so she can finally be at peace.
What time do you think she'll be home? 'Cause I can wait.
- No! - No! - Jimmy, we're doing things.
- No! Stay away from her - or I will murder you.
- You're making us - uncomfortable, Jimmy.
- I will! I've done it before.
I think I hate him, and I've never hated anyone before.
Not even that drill sergeant who called me "Egg.
" Oh.
Poor Egg.
Hey, all that fighting got me cranked up.
Yeah, okay.
- Oh - (EDGAR GROANS) (BOTH MOANING, PANTING) (SINGING IN KOREAN) Cool place.
It's always nice to see my buddies from the Korean War.
Why are you being such a dick? Hmm.
Let me see.
Because I didn't want to give a strange, drunk girl a ride home and now she's dragged me to a terrible bar.
It's always the same, as soon as I'm around a Ty girl.
Either it's A) warn her that Ty sucks, or B) be forced into building a relationship with someone I'm never gonna see again.
Just so you know, it's not my first go-around with Ty.
You're back for seconds? Damn, either he really likes you, or you are super messed up.
I like to think both.
(SINGING IN KOREAN) I once got a DUI bringing him tacos.
You're Tragic Taco Girl? Holy shit! I was the one who had to bring him tacos later that night.
Sounds like you guys have a really weird thing going on.
Don't get me wrong.
I love Ty.
It's just he's always been a mess.
He got so drunk at my wedding, he tried to bang the cantor.
Oh.
- And when was this? - 2009.
He actually used to be a really good friend.
Now he's just interested in his cool "industry" pals.
He's got no time to play foosball with Boone, but he can go on an Alaskan cruise with Elvis Mitchell.
He even went to Standing Rock with Matt McGorry.
They got into a fight over who's more woke.
It's Matt McGorry, right? Obviously.
I mean, I get that he had to do all sorts of attachment therapy as a kid because hugging his mom made him throw up, but Jesus Christ.
Whoa.
This is some really good gossip.
Uh, another bottle of soju, please.
You're going hard tonight.
Have you ever had a day that starts with one bad decision and then it's just a cascade of bad decisions until you're like, "Well, might as well burn down the whole town tonight"? No.
(GRETCHEN GASPING, BOONE GRUNTING) - Ow, ow! You're on my hair.
- Sorry.
No, I like it.
(BOTH LAUGH) (GRUNTING CONTINUES) Listen, Jimmy.
I really need to talk to you.
Why won't Gretchen respond? I texted her yesterday.
"Hey, dot dot dot" Which is delightfully neutral and decidedly open-ended.
Maybe she's not texting you because she knows the only reason you're checking in is to make yourself feel better.
(CHUCKLES) What? Yeah.
Maybe Gretchen wants to get on with her life and never think about you again.
Maybe she thought you were dead, Jimmy.
Checking tips on the hotline.
Coming home, night after night, to an empty house with only your scent on your pillow to cling to for comfort, until it, too, faded away and she was left all alone with nobody to make breakfast ramen for.
Alone with, with nothing but her scentless pillows and haunted thoughts of all friends she lost in the w (VOICELESS): War Uh I'm I am sorry that I worried you, Edgar.
That was insensitive.
But I suppose, in a way, I abandoned you, too.
I mean, I was talking about Gretchen, but apology accepted.
(JIMMY WHIMPERS) (EDGAR GROWLS HAPPILY) Did you really smell my pillows? No Hey, you know what? Maybe I'll make us some dinner waffles for old times' sake.
But that's it! I'm not making breakfast anymore.
Up for discussion.
(GRUNTS) Here you go.
Del Taco.
Hope there's no Del Scorcho sauce on this.
(LAUGHS) Thought there were some Coffee Bean ones in there.
A bit classier.
You know, Ty is still one of my best friends.
Ouch.
Usually I don't get the "regret text" till later in the night, but yeah, sure, we can do this face-to-face.
Just trying to be honest.
You know, tell you my truth.
Got it.
Cool.
(LAUGHS) - Nice to meet you.
- Bye, Gretchen.
Why don't we Do those things That lovers do Lovers do Why don't we do Those things, things Things, things We can sit in the rain, touch it and complain But I'd rather just take you home and chill Chill.
Get loose now, go Chi-Town Get loose now St.
Louis, get loose now New Orleans EDGAR: Oh.
Yeah.
Oh! Oh.
(LAUGHS) You know, I almost texted Gretchen again earlier.
- Jimmy.
- Uh, no, I didn't do it.
I wrote about a hundred drafts, but couldn't get it right.
Probably for the best, you know.
Out of sight, out of Hey! Dot.
Dot.
Dot! (CAR DOOR CLOSES) (CAR DRIVING AWAY) Oh, shit.
(DOORBELL BUZZING) (TIRES SCREECH) JIMMY: Gretchen! Gretchen, I need to talk to you.
Cool your horses, I - Gretchen.
- What?! I'm sorry.
I-I don't know what to say, other than I'm sorry.
I'm deeply, deeply sorry for what I did.
You did not deserve such ill treatment.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
But you did say "family.
" What did you just say to me? No.
No, it, it just This whole thing, with my dad dying, and then you said that we were gonna be a family now and so, understandably, in the moment, I got scared.
You got scared because you asked me to be your wife, and I said yes, and then I used the word "family"? Yes.
Oh, my God.
I did say "family.
" I forgot about that.
I'm so sorry.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
I just wanted to tell you my truth.
Yeah.
I could see how that would be really hard on you.
Wow.
Thank you.
Wow.
(EXHALES) (LAUGHS) God.
What a crazy three months, right? So crazy.
(LAUGHS) Hey! So you might be interested.
The galley for The Width of a Peach just came out.
Do you want to see it? Oh, neat.
Totally.
Oh.
GRETCHEN: Come on, Lindsay.
Let's go get some Kyochon.
My loves Drink deep Love, lust and fire I hear Hey, are you okay, bro? Yeah.
You Hey, I meant to mention, uh, I really like your new clothes.
Mine? May I? Of course.
They speak Street lights like fire (EXHALES) This is fine.
They call