Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e04 Episode Script

1
Morning. Morning. Oh!
Happy Halloween. Hi, guys. Hey.
- Uh, Ice Spice?
- Like.
No. Box.
[WHINES] Mm-hmm.
JANINE: It's Halloween here at Abbott,
and some of the costumes
can be a little risqué,
so I have a box full of backups.
I want everyone to have a shot
at winning the big costume
contest that's later today,
so I need to make sure they're both
age and fear appropriate.
[TRICYCLE CREAKS] Aah! Oh, my God.
No. Too scary. Good Lord.
Bin, please.
Oh! Little Black Panther.
- Oh.
- Wakanda forever!
Maybe just Wakanda for the day.
And maybe just keep
your mask on. All right?
Okay. Who's next?
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
Yes. [LAUGHS]
Oh, sorry I'm a little late.
Oh, no problem, Nina. Good to see you.
So, uh, what do you have planned
for Halloween today?
Every year, a teacher is
given the responsibility
of turning the library
into a Halloween party
that all of the students can enjoy.
And this year,
Abbott is keeping it classy,
because all of the treats
are up to me
the number-one trick!
Well, we're going to be
playing some ghostly games,
decorating some creepy crafts,
and the main event, bobbing for apples.
You know, I was talking to
some of the parents
- at the PTA meeting
- Mm-hmm?
And we'd prefer if the kids
didn't bob for apples.
It's unsanitary.
MELISSA: But she's been doing that
since before I even got here.
It's great.
We'd prefer you didn't do it.
But it's tradition.
So is tipping, and I'd prefer
we didn't do that either.
Well, I will take that
under consideration.
No consideration needed.
Just don't do it.
Can I offer you a cupcake?
Are you handing those out to the kids?
'Cause you can't do that.
And we all know why.
- Do we?
- I certainly don't.
They could have razor blades in them.
Or worse, nuts.
Happy Halloween.
The happiest.
Boy, you prank your cousin one time
by putting a razor blade in a cookie,
and all of a sudden,
it starts a nationwide hoax.
[CRUNCHING]
[SCRATCHING]
[SHRIEKS]
I did a creepy scratch
'cause it's Halloween.
- Yeah, I didn't like that.
- Oh.
But I love this! Oh!
Okay. Say the line.
[AS MR. DNA] Bingo. Dino DNA.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God. Uncanny.
It's like I'm watching the movie.
- [NORMAL VOICE] Okay, now say your line.
- Oh, okay.
Aah! I'm an ancient mosquito
who drank dinosaur blood,
and now I'm trapped in amber.
It's spot on! We're such a movie couple.
- I know. We love film.
- Uh-huh.
[FINGERS SNAPPING] Um, Pat Sajak.
Wow. You got a little wheel
and everything.
Although, interesting choice for you,
given his politics.
Well, I've taken a step back
from Elon Musk's internet,
and now it sometimes takes
me weeks to find these things out.
So, you know, I figure,
if I didn't know
Yeah, you already bought
the suit when you found out.
- Yeah. No returns.
- Yeah.
Okay. Now, do us.
Gregory is sexy gumballs,
and Janine is that thing
on top of an exterminator truck.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Very funny.
Yeah, it's
- Uh. You don't
- Do you really not
- know who we are?
- Well, give me a hint.
I'll give you a hint.
Okay. Chill chill, chill.
It's a movie, starts with a "J."
"Jumanji!" No, that doesn't
make any sense.
- Um, "Jennifer's Body."
- What?
N-No. "Jurassic Park."
I-I'm Mr. DNA, and Janine
is the mosquito trapped in amber.
- Ohhh, yeah. Yeah, I see it.
- Yeah.
The best costumes
always require an explanation.
Well, thank you, Jacob.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] Yeah.
First, we're gonna win
the Abbott costume contest
later today.
Then we're gonna win
the Rubensteins contest tonight.
Get your broom out, brother.
It's gonna be a sweep. Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES] A sweetie sweep.
Hey, who wants a spin?
Yeah, sure. I'll go.
Uh-huh. Okay.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
[IMITATING WHEEL SPINNING]
Oh.
- Well, accurate. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
Who you supposed to be?
I kill vampires, and I hate taxes.
Ah, Blade.
What about you, Mr. Johnson?
Give you a hint.
I can ball out, boy,
but I'd rather be in Fallout Boy.
He's emo Jimmy Butler. Duh!
There's not a costume I don't get.
Oh, okay. Yeah, I-I get it.
It hurts when you lie, Jacob.
Some days, I wonder if
anyone will ever understand me.
- Would anyone care for a tasty cupcake?
- MELISSA: Ooh.
Since apparently I cannot give
them to my students anymore.
Yeah. Can't have that. [CHUCKLES]
Might have razor blades in 'em.
Then why are you taking one?
Well, I know you didn't put
razor blades in them.
You ain't got that dog
in you. [CHUCKLES]
Then why would you say they might?
Since when might cupcakes have
razor blades in them?
Since when can't kids bob for
apples because it's unsanitary?
Oh, that I get.
It's objectively gross.
Jacob, you are Pat Sajak.
"Wheel of Fortune" is an institution.
You, above all, should understand
the importance of tradition.
My students have bobbed for apples
since I started here at Abbott,
and not one time
has anyone reported sick!
And now I don't have
a main event for the library.
Well, you gotta figure out
how to fill that time.
Mm. Wait, I got it.
You can carve pumpkins
and call 'em black-o'-lanterns.
Okay, I won't comment on the name,
but that's a bad idea.
What about ghost stories?
Roz, you could do the voices.
Oh, I am not reading for
three hours straight.
Just like a cat.
AVA AND MELISSA: Lazy.
Now, you all, it's not as if
Roz could do that many voices anyway.
[EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT]
Okay, fine. I will do it.
[LAUGHS] [NORMAL VOICE] Wait.
I'm waiting for Janine
so we can make our big entrance.
It is a couples costume, after all.
[PANTING] Ready.
Ready.
[DOOR OPENS]
Okay, okay. Don't tell me.
I'm 8 for 8 today.
I'll get it. You're
You are, um, teachers
in crappy costumes.
I don't [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS] Oh, you know what?
We are standing on
the wrong side of each other.
- We talked about this.
- Hold, please.
A moment, sorry.
Mosquito in amber and Mr. DNA.
From "Jurassic Park."
Yeah, I got it earlier in one guess.
- Yeah.
- Oh, babies, this is terrible.
[SCOFFS] What? No, it is not.
I mean, come on. Ava gets it.
Yeah, I get it.
I didn't say it was good.
I know what rye bread is.
It's still nasty.
Yeah, I mean, it doesn't even
make sense as a concept.
Oh, that's 'cause you
don't know the movie.
Oh, I'm sorry, what don't I know about
the oldest movie in history to
surpass $1 billion in ticket sales?
[BLEEP] kids think they're the only ones
that know anything about movies.
You guys, I'm sorry, but you don't
know what you're talking about.
I mean, whose couples costume
is touching ours?
[CHUCKLES] Mine.
You are a single guinea pig.
Mm-hmm.
I say this not as a hater,
but as a connoisseur of culture.
When'd you start coming in the lounge?
The two of you don't stand a
chance at that costume contest.
Well, I'll say it as a hater.
Hatily. Y'all gonna lose.
But you are going to do it
being so very yourselves.
And that's beautiful.
- Yeah. This costume's very on brand.
- Mm-hmm.
And what does that mean?
She means you're a headass couple
doing headass things.
[CELLPHONE CAMERA CLICKS]
- Mm.
- I'm sorry, "headass"?
Look, in this scenario, I
think it refers to two lovers
who are in their own
slightly delusional,
somewhat cheesy bubble.
You know, unable to see
how the outside world
is perceiving them.
Stop explaining slang.
And I know what it means, Jacob.
And we're not it at all, so
Oh, I disagree, Mr. Headass
and Headass Trapped in Amber.
[MELISSA LAUGHS] Oh, I'm
seeing a heap of headassery.
Yeah, it's like you're in
your own little headass world,
- thinking you're so cute.
- Hey, we are cute!
Cutest little headasses I ever saw.
We are not headass.
Yeah? Then what's this?
[LAUGHTER]
Let me see! Let me see!
Show me, show me.
Perfect.
Yes! Welcome, welcome, all.
Come on in.
So you guys decided to still
go with the bad costumes?
They're not bad.
Oh, I'm sorry, headass.
So, a headass costume
would be like PB&J
- Yes
- Or salt and pepper
- Or ketchup and mustard.
- Yeah.
- Our costumes are thoughtful.
- Whip smart.
- High brow.
- Headass.
[CARROT CRUNCHES]
BARBARA: [DEEP VOICE]
And he heard a voice that said,
"Where is my golden arm?"
BOTH: You've got it!
Was that supposed to be scary?
Do Skibidi Toilet next!
I got a ghost story so scary,
it'll make your toenails curl.
Okay!
Vietnam, 1971.
I was on vacation.
Stop, Mr. Johnson. This isn't working.
My suffering continues.
Um, I'm all out of stories,
and we got an hour and a half to kill.
[BOTH CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY]
[STUDENTS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Attention, everyone. It's time to pivot.
I don't care what those parents say.
They are not here in the trenches.
So we are bobbing for apples.
Hey, what are y'all dressed as?
Oh, well, I am the mosquito
in amber from "Jurassic Park."
- And I'm Mr. DNA.
- What is that?
[AS MR. DNA] A DNA strand is
the blueprint to all living creatures.
[CHUCKLES] [NORMAL
VOICE] You know, from the movie.
Why aren't you dinosaurs?
Well, because the mosquito and Mr. DNA
are the bedrock of the film.
You could have just been dinosaurs.
It's a valid point.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm starting to think
we're not gonna win later.
I mean, the teachers
not getting it is one thing,
but the kids don't seem
to get it either, so
Hey. Do not let that kid
shake your confidence, okay?
- Yeah. Okay.
- Have you seen his drawings?
- They're ass.
- They are. They're ass.
They're really bad.
- He doesn't know how to shade
- Mnh-mnh.
Or stay in the lines or crosshatch.
- What does he know about art and culture?
- You're right.
- Jerk.
- Nothing.
Now it is time to bob for apples!
[TEACHERS CHEER] You go first.
There you go.
Mrs. Howard, our parents
said we can't do that.
I understand.
And that is why we are not going to
tell any of our parents.
After all, it's Halloween,
a day for deceit.
So shhhhh!
Actually, that was just an excuse.
I don't want to do it.
Okay, fine. Sit it out.
More apples for the rest of us.
I don't want to either.
Wait. Why not?
Because the water goes up my nose,
and it's gross, and it's germy.
And we all just had ringworm!
Come on. This is gonna be fun!
It's a tradition.
My students have been doing this
since when I first started teaching.
Yeah, but that was
like a thousand years ago.
Mr. Gregory's class did it
last year, and they had a blast.
Go ahead. Tell them how much fun it was.
I didn't say anything last year,
but I think it's nasty.
Okay. You're dressed as a toilet, kid.
Which should tell you how gross it is.
Okay, fine.
I will show you just
how much fun it can be.
Oh, wow. Oh, she's going in.
[WATER SPLASHES] Yeah!
How do you like them apples?
Don't come back up
'til you get all of 'em, Barb!
Whoo! [LAUGHS] [STUDENTS MURMURING]
[ALL SCREAM]
See how much fun this is, kids?
I'm gonna get one the next time.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[WATER SPLASHES] Oh, sure,
let's just splash water everywhere
in the only carpeted room in the school.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
What is Melissa doing?
Hey, don't worry about that, okay?
- It's go time.
- Okay. How do I look?
Like we're about to win
a costume contest.
- Right?
- Mm-hmm.
It's time for the pairs.
All my dynamic duos, come on out.
Corn and Scarecrow,
Mr. DNA and Mosquito Trapped in Amber,
and M-Ms. Schemmenti!
Ms. Schemmenti, where's your partner?
I'm so glad you asked that, Andrew.
Presenting Sweet Cheeks
and Ms. Schemmenti!
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, my God! I don't know who's who!
What? It It's gimmicky.
Yeah, I mean, it's derivative.
I've definitely seen it before.
- Right?
- Where did she get that wig?
And the winner is,
by unanimous decision,
without a doubt,
Ms. Schemmenti and Sweet Cheeks!
Excuse me?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Oh, my God. Oh my God.
Thank you so much.
It took me 14 hours to sew
this little pleather jacket,
and if we had lost,
I would have been in a really
dark place, so thank you.
Thanks so much, y'all.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
Okay. But we would have
gotten second, right?
No, you wouldn't have.
The scarecrow and the corn
had it in the bag.
What can we say?
It lacks a certain
je ne sais quoi.
Oh, yeah, says the goat.
That's right. The GOAT, Muhammad Ali.
Oh.
- That's really good.
- Yeah, that's very good.
That's very good.
Andrew, that's very creative.
Our next category is unpopular teachers
that insisted on participating anyway.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE] We've got
Y'all see 'em.
Mr. Hill, who are you supposed to be?
Oh, I'm, uh I'm I'm Pat Sajak.
Who's that?
Yeah. You guys probably don't know him.
It's It's fine. I will take
my "L" expeditiously.
Of course they know him!
The man is an icon!
Okay, come on, show of hands.
Who knows Mr. Patrick Sajak?
Barb, they don't know him.
We just need to jog their memory.
- Why is she standing up?
- No idea.
Come on, y'all!
Pulling up the TV tray
with a piping hot pot pie
to watch the Wheel!
It's an American tradition.
Like bobbing for apples.
Spin the wheel, Jacob.
Yep. [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Harder!
Ha, ha!
Oh, kids. You don't know this?
It's probably because he doesn't
even host "Wheel of Fortune" anymore.
What you talking about, boy?
Well, he's retired.
41 years. 8,000 'sodes.
He had a good run.
Well, what are they
going to do without him, huh?
- Spin the wheel themselves?
- Well, they always, uh
Jacob, leave the stage and come back
so that you can receive the level
of applause and appreciation
that you deserve.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm!
Barb, let's just let this go,
and then later, we'll get
a drink with the kids.
- I do not need a drink, Melissa.
- Okay.
I need these children
to recognize a cultural icon.
Yes! Ha, ha, ha!
[SCATTERED MUTTERING]
I said clap for Pat Sajak,
- or Halloween is canceled!
- Oh.
[NERVOUS APPLAUSE, AUDIENCE MURMURING]
Oh!
Maybe I do need a drink.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
["FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT"
BY WHODINI PLAYING]
♪
Hey! [CHUCKLES]
This costume is itchy.
The last costume wasn't itchy.
I have no access to my pockets.
So, we realized
that our original costumes
were going over people's heads.
- Too high brow.
- Yeah.
So we stopped at Spirit Halloween
and picked up something else.
With these costumes,
which are actually headass,
we have a chance of winning,
which we want to do.
Yeah, 'cause we want
people to look at us and go,
"They go good together." Mm-hmm.
'Cause we do go get together,
like peanut butter and jelly.
GE&J.
[SIGHS]
Oh! Peanut Butter, Jelly!
Nom, nom, nom! [LAUGHS]
BOTH: [FLATLY] Thank you.
I'm not even a protein.
I'm basically just candy.
I told you we could switch.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
How do I get to my phone?
I don't know why not being able
to bob for apples
bothered me so much,
but it really did.
I don't know. I I just don't know.
Barb, you lost a tradition.
Yeah. That's right.
Okay. So, my family
used to barbecue on the lawn
of the old Coal and Iron
Police headquarters.
And then, one year, a burning coal
mysteriously found its way
into the building,
and it burned down.
But the next year, we found
a new site to desecrate,
because that's what you do.
Yeah, but I've been bobbing since
before I can remember.
I was so good at it.
They used to call me Bob-ra.
[LAUGHING]
I'm not going to forget this.
The day I stopped doing something
I don't even remember starting.
Well, tonight, we'll just
start a new tradition, okay?
'Cause we keep on pushing.
We adjust.
Yeah, 'cause things never stop changing.
♪
Pat Sajak reporting for duty.
- Pat Sajak.
- Pat Sajak.
- Did you know
- Yeah, I-I know.
I know. I know now, okay?
But not until after I made the wheel.
And what am I supposed
to do with this thing?
Just, like, throw it out?
Look at the craftsmanship.
♪
- Hi! Uh, peanut butter.
- And jelly.
Peanut butter, your tag's still on.
Really? I don't Where?
- I don't see it.
- Oh, wait. Spin around. Okay. Hold on.
Wait, wait. Don't pop it.
Gregory, look at that couple's costume.
TOGETHER: Ash Wednesday.
That's headass.
It is.
Uh, we'd like to change
our submission, please.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Um, hey, what are you doing?
Look, look, look, look, look.
We need to go back
to our original costumes.
But no one will get it. We'll get it.
And that's all that matters.
Look, as long as we are
in our own bubble together,
no one could ever pop it.
♪
So, can we change our submission?
Imagine if I said no.
I'm going to be Mr. DNA.
And I am going to be
a mosquito trapped in amber.
Whatever.
- Did you write it down?
- Did you write it down?
Yeah. I'm writing it.
Okay.
All right, who wants to bob
for apple schnapps?
Yep. Two right here.
Right here, right here.
Okay. There you go. Thanks, sweetheart.
Okay. Come on, Bob-ra,
let's see what you got.
[MUFFLED] Ready?
♪
Whoo! [GIGGLES]
Oh! Oh, boo!
Are we still doing nurses costumes?
Come on. That's not even
a sexy one. [CHUCKLES]
Melissa, I think that person
is an actual nurse.
I said what I said.
See, this could be our new tradition.
Two more.
The next contestants are
Uh, what? [LAUGHS]
Oh, my God, I don't even know.
I knew he wasn't gonna write it down.
- It's fine. I know. Just go. Just go.
- Why didn't he write it down?
- Let's go, let's go, let's go. It's okay.
- Look at this.
- I mean, you can tell that we
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hey. Hi every
- Ow.
Oh. [WHISPERS] I'm so sorry.
[BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY,
LIGHT LAUGHTER]
You might recognize us from
Steven Spielberg's masterpiece,
"Jurassic Park."
[AWKWARD SILENCE, FEEDBACK]
I'm the incredibly clever way
of providing exposition,
Mr. DNA.
He looks just like it.
And I I am a riveting plot device,
the mosquito trapped
in amber. [CHUCKLES]
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Okay.
Well, I love it!
Hear, hear!
- Innovative.
- Would you cut it out?
JANINE: Thank you,
persons we don't know.
Okay, let's hear it for the effort.
No!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Okay. Who's next?
[CROWD "OOH" S]
[CHUCKLING] Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
Next up, we have
Grace Jones with a sword!
I'm Blade, bitch. [SWORD UNSHEATHES]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Shing! Shing!
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
Who wants to bob for more shots?
Oh, yes. Right here.
I already paid for 'em. Take one.
Get you one, Barbara.
You know, I'm gonna head out.
What? Are you okay?
Oh, this has been fun.
I'm just a little tired.
Do you need me to walk you to your car?
This sword only looks fake.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you. I'll be fine.
Okay. You all get home safe, now.
We will.
Oh, my God, Sweet Cheeks!
Look for Sweet Cheeks! Look for him!
Hey, everybody, look for a guinea pig!
It looks like me, but little.
Can you see anything?
Nope. Wait a minute. Never mind!
Didn't bring him! As you were.
[LAUGHTER]
- I didn't bring him!
- To Sweet Cheeks!
[CHEERING]
BARBARA: It certainly was
a different Halloween for me.
Tried a few new things.
That's the interesting thing
about traditions.
I mean, the first time you do them,
it's just something you're testing
out. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
There's something so beautiful
about unwittingly discovering things
that will become so important
to you and those you hold dear.
On the bright side,
I heard that Pat Sajak
is going to be hosting
"Celebrity Wheel of Fortune,"
and, well, maybe I can replace
Vanna White.
What do you think?
Yeah, but you're a ghost every year.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Daywalker! [HISSES]
[SWORD UNSHEATHES]
Bloodsuckers!
Shing!
Whoosh!
Aah!
Yaaah!
[LAUGHTER]
All right. See y'all at school tomorrow.
Aah!