Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s04e04 Episode Script
Donkey
hI! This is me.
This is my camera.
This is detox.
I'm two weeks in, and I've got Just got the one week to go.
I've lost quite a lot of weight already.
I'm feeling a little, you know, spaced.
But I've got a little thinner.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Look at body, body, body.
Body a bit thinner.
Um I'm going to show you the before, so you can see what I was like before.
Here we go.
Here's my before.
Tits I don't think I've ever seen down there before.
I can see underneath my tits, my titties.
Have a look and see what that looks like.
This is better.
I didn't like that last day one.
This is day one.
This is where it will start.
This is better.
Day one.
Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! I've been keeping a diary of my progress, so we'll see how it goes.
And it all started the night before the day you've just seen - day one - on a girls' night out.
Which is every night 'cause no one's ever got a man.
I mean, look at these men in here.
These are successful men and look at their women.
- Carers! - Hostesses, not wives.
A successful man - and they are the only attractive ones - does not want a successful wife.
Not a matter of want.
Even a successful woman needs a wife.
Someone to be there for them.
- Look at these.
- Trophy wives.
Trophy wives.
They're women who filter the world for them as though it's a sort of complete mystery.
They choose the tie and hide things around the house so that only they know where they are.
- I've done that! - Bloody hell.
You know the ones I hate? The ones at parties.
Go to a party, you want to meet the man - no! She's got to take you over to him.
Come and meet him.
He adores you.
That sounds like some good friends of mine.
Itt makes a man feel cherished.
Cherished? They're just manipulating the world, so it's a complete bloody mystery to him.
She's the only one who will ever understand this extraordinarily complicated menu that she has written.
Before you know it, they're all film producers.
Darling, it's no mystery.
Come on, Eddie, tuck in.
It's no mystery.
Two winners don't get on.
It just doesn't work.
It's the same in all relationships.
If you put racehorses together, they kick the shit out of each other.
Tom and Nicole.
Bruce and Demi.
Liam and Noel.
Disaster.
What a racehorse wants is a donkey - a little donkey, a goat, a little companion.
I need a slash.
It's the same in all relationships.
This little glib phrase that Patsy says like that, but Why didn't I feel good enough about myself to think that I could be the racehorse? I think i'm the donkey.
l don't want to be the fat donkey.
I want to be the racehorse.
I suppose it's not impossible for two donkeys to get on.
I think you're horrid because if you perceive others as failures, it makes you feel better about yourself.
- Well done.
- Nonsense.
That's magazine speak.
No.
I wrote about it in an article.
In a magazine.
You have no idea of the pressures I've been under.
You dance like an angel on the pinhead of success for so long, and the moment you're out of the spotlight, they cut you down.
But I think you'll find I was always generous in my professional life.
You ask people who worked with me.
Dawn French! I'm going to have your guts for garters.
Horrible! Well, everyone has their crutches.
Security blankets.
Being mean is yours.
I've got one of those by my cooker.
- No, no.
That's a fire blanket.
- Oh, right.
- Toss! - Exactly.
I mean, not everybody has them.
I haven't got one.
- Oh, don't worry, Eddie.
- What are you talking about? What? You're fat.
Fat! Surely you can see that.
We can't miss it.
- What's yours, Patsy? - Well, it's obvious.
- What? - It's your fringe.
Oh! The 60s forelock.
Push it back.
Let's see what you look like under there.
No, don't touch me.
- No! - Come on.
For heaven's sake, Patsy.
No! These things can't be taken too quickly.
At least you can pin your fringe back, whereas you can't pin your fat back.
You are mean! Epiphany! You see, that was the kickstart.
I wanted to fit in those stalls with the racehorses.
So I decided to reinvent myself - restyle myself.
The new svelte, tanned, smooth, luggageless me.
There was something about it, I don't know what it was.
There was just something about that word.
- Detox! - I want to detox.
- It's just another fad.
- I agree.
No one diets any more.
You're not fat, just full of toxins.
Just full of poison.
Well, that's not news.
Now, look, this is my book.
I can work upside-down.
Plenty of practice with Blue Peter.
Now, it's basically just eat meat and drink water till you need a B12.
- Drink water.
- So no more booze.
What about exercise? No one's going to the gym, so l want to do the one that, you know - Boot camp.
- Yes.
Military fitness.
Military.
- Mum, this is madness.
- Darling, this is my life! In three weeks, I want to be on the cusp of organ failure.
Good for you! I want my body just to be a relief map of veins.
I want to be an X-ray with a pulse.
Even your cells can't eat that fast.
- Eddie, we hate these women.
- Do we? Looking as though you've shoved your tits into a pencil sharpener.
It's all right for you.
You've always looked like that.
You're probably like me, Patsy.
I mean, sometimes l just forget to eat.
Patsy hasn't eaten since 1974.
- Well, there was that crisp.
- Oh, yes, the crisp.
Poor old Patsy.
She couldn't keep anything down.
She lost most of her back teeth to stomach acid.
At least I didn't drink my own piddle.
That was a very mean trick.
I hope that was my piddle, was it? I've done every diet.
l've done the hay diet, the cabbage diet.
The blood group diet, where you have to eat the food your ancestors would have gathered.
My ancestors were whale gatherers - thanks to you! - I've done combining - Combining food with alcohol.
Three meals a day is what you should stick to.
Three good meals a day! And then they had sex! There, that's a good scene! Your stomach's like a dog that doesn't know when it's going to be fed, so it hangs around until you want to kick it.
That is it.
That is it! I am going to do this.
I am going to get thin.
Witness.
Witness.
Witness.
Witness.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, let's go.
All right.
Three bird knees.
Here we go.
Three bird knees.
Up in the air.
Squat, then star jump.
Squat thrust, then star jump.
Come on! Come on! Keep moving.
Come on! - Come on.
- I've got snot all over my face! You will never get there if you don't do it.
- I can't do it! - Just do it.
Up you come.
Well done.
Down you go.
good stuff.
Move on.
and on the bar, chest on the bar, and down and up It's enormous! - Come on, concentrate.
- Come on.
Third time lucky.
Come on.
Let's do it again.
Come on! - Eddie.
- Don't! Cheers, darling.
Don't! Don't want it.
Don't want it.
Don't want it.
- I don't want it.
- Good for you, Mum.
You've changed your tune, darling.
Anyway, I'm going to be thin.
I'm going to do thin things, you know.
I want to be sort of eri bendy.
I want to be sort of hip hanging.
I'd like to take my clothes off and not be marked by them.
I never thought it worried you.
Yeah.
90% of awake time and 100% of sleep time I worry about it.
Eddie, you look fine.
You dress like A fat billboard.
l know! Is that why you wear labels, so the designer takes the blame? Clunk clunk! It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out.
DKY bosoms.
Not mine.
Dolce and Gabbana fat thighs.
Not mine! Oh, Eddie, this is no fun.
l know it's no fun, darling, but it's dieting.
I have to diet.
Must think about dieting.
What are you eating? What are you doing today while I'm dieting? I met an old school friend, so he's coming round later.
I met him at the Royal Court.
I finished my play - Oh? - Oh.
They might be doing it as a workshop in the studio.
Oooh! If he's at all good-looking, have sex with him.
I'm worried your business is going to heal over.
- Hello.
- Hey, how are you? Fantastic.
Wow! Like it.
- I cannot believe we met like that.
- I knew it was you immediately.
- You haven't changed.
- neither have you.
Wow.
- Very nice.
- Yeah.
So what side of the business did you say you were on again? Oh, l'm a writer.
l wrote something for the Edinburgh Yes, please.
And, well, the Royal Court are really interested, so they want to workshop it.
Well, it's a piece about social struggle and sort of - Sorry.
You are a writer, so - Yeah.
Yeah.
hey, I'm an actor.
Bear me in mind.
- Great.
- What are you working on now? Were we in the same class at school? Because I thought - Same year, yeah.
- Yeah.
You sat next to me in Maths.
Hey, Maths.
Love it, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Anyway, what did you say you did again? Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, my agent's being very protective at the moment, not letting me take stuff in case it interferes with the big plan.
Which is? Oh, you know.
Movies, L.
A.
, whatever.
Patsy was experimenting with hairstyle variety.
Great.
Are those for me? Thanks.
- You look nice.
- What? What? I don't know how they get people to go to these parties.
It's cocaine.
Lines inside means lines outside.
Donatella is a genius.
Six.
Possibly eight.
And I said, ''What's that sound?'' And he said, ''That, Taylor, is the sound of doors opening.
'' And i've been practically knee-deep in scripts ever since.
But you are so right.
Relationships suffer.
You must know.
You're a writer.
You know, two-way traffic.
Have you got a girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend, yeah.
Singer-dancer, Shelagh Kidron? of? Starlight Express? No.
- Are they? You? Yeah? - No, I don't.
- May I? - Oh, yes.
Please, yes.
Sorry.
Anyway, just er couple for later.
Racehorse and donkey.
It's a glib phrase, but racehorse and donkey.
Once you've figured it out, the world makes sense.
Yes, i know.
I'm telling you now, he's an absolute stud.
- Bye.
- Candy! - Darling.
How are you doing? - Fine.
You? Very good.
The Daily Express has got pics of that pool boy sucking my tits in St Lucia.
- Winston? - Oh, yeah.
Lovely.
Darling, do you want to have lunch or something? I can't.
I'm meeting an old school friend.
- Minge! - Candy! Oh, don't worry.
I've got it covered.
- Take him.
he smells of poo.
- Come to Auntie Minge, sweetie.
Yeah.
And the snail had his own trailer, so - What snail? - Snail had his own trailer.
- ln the Doc.
The Doctor.
- Doctor who? No, no.
Doolittle.
Dr Doolittle.
When I I toured in it, yeah? Oh, terrific numbers.
Did you see it? Er, no.
Put me on the map.
Talk to the animals Show stopper.
Stopped the show.
Wellif you don't count the snail.
There were some big rounds for the snail.
Giant snail, so big er big bastard, but a lot of the animals The animals - beautifully crafted animatronics.
Look, Taylor.
Sorry, the time I've got to write.
Absolutely.
Yeah, I'm with you.
Let's make like sheep and get the flock out of here.
10-9, yeah.
Could I just quickly borrow your phone? Yeah, of course.
To call a cab? No, actually, l just want to ring L.
A.
Going to L.
A.
next week and I just want to page myself in a restaurant Get on the wire before I'm out there.
Well done.
Battery's gone.
I'm off.
I've got dinner with Carol Vorderman.
- You did really brilliant today.
- Yeah.
Night night, darling.
I will do it! Oh, Eddie! Eddie! Hello.
Eddie, you need a drink, darling.
I don't need a drink.
I'm all right.
How are you doing? - How are you doing with this? - All right.
What's the point of this? Let's have some fun.
- I've got to do it.
- Just one drink downstairs.
You go ahead.
It was very nice meeting you again.
Absolutely great, and bear me in mind with the writing.
Oh, I say! Care to share a cab with me somewhere? Hey.
Absolutely not.
Sweetheart? Pats? Oh, I must eat! I must eat! I want to eat something.
Stay calm.
Just calm.
Just relax.
Just stay.
Think about your hip bone.
Oh, there's a hip bone.
Where's my hip bone gone? It was here! It was here! My hip bone.
God You gave me epiphany and now you have forsaken me.
The morning sun touched lightly On the eye of Lucy Jordan In a white suburban bedroom In a white suburban town As she lay there 'neath the covers Dreaming of a thousand lovers Till the world turned to orange And the room went spinning round At the age of 47 She realised she'd never Ride through Paris In a sports car With the warm wind in her hair So she let the phone keep ringing As she sat there softly singing Pretty nursery rhymes she'd memorised In her daddy's easy chair.
I must say, you're doing rather well, darling.
I never thought you had it in you.
I'm singing this for you because I know you like it.
hee-haw! Of course.
You started that.
Patsy's one of mine.
What are you doing here? This one is with me.
Did you suggest this diet? lt's not a diet.
It's a detox.
Why do you keep coming up with these things? It plays on their vanity and I gave them that.
No.
You gave them self-hatred.
Oh, whatever.
They love a diet.
In the world of self-loathing, The Barbie Doll reigns supreme.
Oh, don't get heavy.
It's a shallow world now.
I know.
Nothing can develop any more.
They just want freshly-popped foetus bodies and sex doll faces.
I mean, look at the art Oh, do stop! This is a world where Carol Vorderman is a sex symbol and St Tropez is a bottle of fake tan.
I love it! They won't have any use for you and me soon.
Frankly, I'm bored.
What's the point of me if i'm acceptable? In China, they're putting girl babies in dustbins as a matter of routine Now who's getting heavy? It's so not 2001 .
I just wish everybody could love each other.
That was such an attractive idea.
Mmm.
Fancy a drink or something? - Have you ever cut your fringe? - No.
You? I will if you will.
- No.
I will if you will.
- No.
Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, oh, oh! Oh.
Sweetheart.
Oh, darling, I need food.
Food.
Oh, darling, I nearly died last night, darling.
In fact, I think i'm pretty close to death now, sweetheart.
- Mum, you're not.
- How do you know? I'm looking at you.
You look fine.
Look fine.
I know what that means.
That means I still look fat! You have lost a lot of weight.
Not that that's important.
I know i've lost a lot of weight, but not enough! I want to eat! I knew this would never work.
It is working.
Stop being a victim and take control! I'm a fat person, that's the end of it! Me! The woman who got stuck on an eating loop in Yo! Sushi.
I mean, honestly, if they keep it coming round of course i'm going to eat it, aren't I?! I'll get you something.
Something.
God, this is such hard work! How does Geri bloody Halliwell do it, eh? How does she do that? This isn't lovely fun, jumpy, lovely day, lots of energy, fun.
This is horrible, painful, funless grind.
Welcome to my world.
Not my world.
I tell you what i'm going to do.
I'm going to get a body double for life.
Yeah.
Then I can eat what I want.
I mean, they do it in the movies.
You can be the star of the film and someone else does all the body bits.
That's what I want.
I'm going to the fridge.
Don't stop me, darling.
Don't stop me! 'Cause I'm going to the fridge, sweetheart! Fine.
I'm not going to stop you.
This is what you always do.
Everyone else takes over - takes responsibility.
Well, I won't.
You do it and you face the consequences.
Fat or thin, you are a nightmare of selfishness! Mum.
Mum.
You just opened the fridge without heaving your whole body.
- Help Mama! Help Mama! - What? - What? - There's a lump.
- Where? - A lump here.
Feel that.
What is that? Aah! What is that? Mum, it's a muscle.
That? That's a muscle? I've got a muscle?! Ring Katy Grin, tell her i've got a muscle! Ring Pats! Tell her i've got a muscle.
Sweetheart, have I got another? No, no.
Feel that.
I've got a muscle.
Feel it.
Don't push it away! Don't push it away! Just feel it.
Ring them up.
Tell them i've got a muscle.
- You can do it! - I can do it! Upper arms! Punch, punch, punch! To me.
Punch! Great.
That is fantastic.
Think of Planet Thin, Planet Thin.
That's it! That's it! Ha! So here I am, minus a stone of toxin.
Feeling pretty good.
Sniffing the old O2 and ingesting the wheatgerm and about to be tanned, pummelled and scrubbed, and I shall be ready to go.
Sweetheart? What do you think? Is that dress new? Yeah, yeah.
Do you love it? It's gorgeous.
lt's just that it's What? What? It's still too small.
Well, that's because l'm going to get thinner.
I'm going to get thinner than this.
Sweetheart, can I ask you something? Will you stop doing that and listen? Do you think attention can become addictive? I wouldn't want that to happen to me.
I wouldn't want that.
Also, sweetheart, darling, darling.
Mummy's worried because I don't want you to worry when they start saying she's too thin.
All right? Because it is inevitable.
Now, film Mama leaving.
- Mum, please.
- Film me leaving.
Stop being so selfish and film me leaving! Come on, darling.
Come on.
Come on, darling.
Am I in shot? Yes.
You're filling the screen.
Well, zoom out, zoom out.
Here I come.
Here I come.
Ready? Here she comes The most beautiful girl in the world Pah! She's the right one Follow me, follow me.
She's the bright one That's Edini.
Hi.
- Da da! - Oh, Eddie.
I think I can just squeeze in.
No, I can't.
Can you just shift it slightly? That's it.
- Well done! - Thank you.
There, i've said it.
Personal detox complete.
- Cheers, cheers, cheers.
- Well done, Eddie.
- Did you lose weight? - Oh? - Yeah.
This is my first drink.
- What's your secret? Well, the thing is No.
not now, Eddie, not now.
Well done, but now just get on with your life.
- I agree.
- You can't make it your life.
Absolutely.
Slimming is just it's overrated.
All those reinvented ones.
They get thin, get PR, dump their husbands, then they're found all alone with their bones sticking out.
Why this body obsession? When did we get like this? It's sex, sex.
- Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! - But why? Would the word orifice help at this point? Everyone wants to get screwed.
No mystery.
The old ones should wear more clothes.
Yeah.
Or get pissed, then don't look at what you're tupping.
This is so Sex ln The City, isn't it? I hate that show.
- Which one am I? - The nice one.
I'm Sarah Jessica Parker.
What? You're still too fat! Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! Still, it doesn't really matter, does it, 'cause, you know, fat or thin, you still love me, don't you? Darling? Saff? Saff? Saff? Biscuits to dunk! Biscuits to This wheel shall explode! Ziggy played guitar!
This is my camera.
This is detox.
I'm two weeks in, and I've got Just got the one week to go.
I've lost quite a lot of weight already.
I'm feeling a little, you know, spaced.
But I've got a little thinner.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Look at body, body, body.
Body a bit thinner.
Um I'm going to show you the before, so you can see what I was like before.
Here we go.
Here's my before.
Tits I don't think I've ever seen down there before.
I can see underneath my tits, my titties.
Have a look and see what that looks like.
This is better.
I didn't like that last day one.
This is day one.
This is where it will start.
This is better.
Day one.
Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! I've been keeping a diary of my progress, so we'll see how it goes.
And it all started the night before the day you've just seen - day one - on a girls' night out.
Which is every night 'cause no one's ever got a man.
I mean, look at these men in here.
These are successful men and look at their women.
- Carers! - Hostesses, not wives.
A successful man - and they are the only attractive ones - does not want a successful wife.
Not a matter of want.
Even a successful woman needs a wife.
Someone to be there for them.
- Look at these.
- Trophy wives.
Trophy wives.
They're women who filter the world for them as though it's a sort of complete mystery.
They choose the tie and hide things around the house so that only they know where they are.
- I've done that! - Bloody hell.
You know the ones I hate? The ones at parties.
Go to a party, you want to meet the man - no! She's got to take you over to him.
Come and meet him.
He adores you.
That sounds like some good friends of mine.
Itt makes a man feel cherished.
Cherished? They're just manipulating the world, so it's a complete bloody mystery to him.
She's the only one who will ever understand this extraordinarily complicated menu that she has written.
Before you know it, they're all film producers.
Darling, it's no mystery.
Come on, Eddie, tuck in.
It's no mystery.
Two winners don't get on.
It just doesn't work.
It's the same in all relationships.
If you put racehorses together, they kick the shit out of each other.
Tom and Nicole.
Bruce and Demi.
Liam and Noel.
Disaster.
What a racehorse wants is a donkey - a little donkey, a goat, a little companion.
I need a slash.
It's the same in all relationships.
This little glib phrase that Patsy says like that, but Why didn't I feel good enough about myself to think that I could be the racehorse? I think i'm the donkey.
l don't want to be the fat donkey.
I want to be the racehorse.
I suppose it's not impossible for two donkeys to get on.
I think you're horrid because if you perceive others as failures, it makes you feel better about yourself.
- Well done.
- Nonsense.
That's magazine speak.
No.
I wrote about it in an article.
In a magazine.
You have no idea of the pressures I've been under.
You dance like an angel on the pinhead of success for so long, and the moment you're out of the spotlight, they cut you down.
But I think you'll find I was always generous in my professional life.
You ask people who worked with me.
Dawn French! I'm going to have your guts for garters.
Horrible! Well, everyone has their crutches.
Security blankets.
Being mean is yours.
I've got one of those by my cooker.
- No, no.
That's a fire blanket.
- Oh, right.
- Toss! - Exactly.
I mean, not everybody has them.
I haven't got one.
- Oh, don't worry, Eddie.
- What are you talking about? What? You're fat.
Fat! Surely you can see that.
We can't miss it.
- What's yours, Patsy? - Well, it's obvious.
- What? - It's your fringe.
Oh! The 60s forelock.
Push it back.
Let's see what you look like under there.
No, don't touch me.
- No! - Come on.
For heaven's sake, Patsy.
No! These things can't be taken too quickly.
At least you can pin your fringe back, whereas you can't pin your fat back.
You are mean! Epiphany! You see, that was the kickstart.
I wanted to fit in those stalls with the racehorses.
So I decided to reinvent myself - restyle myself.
The new svelte, tanned, smooth, luggageless me.
There was something about it, I don't know what it was.
There was just something about that word.
- Detox! - I want to detox.
- It's just another fad.
- I agree.
No one diets any more.
You're not fat, just full of toxins.
Just full of poison.
Well, that's not news.
Now, look, this is my book.
I can work upside-down.
Plenty of practice with Blue Peter.
Now, it's basically just eat meat and drink water till you need a B12.
- Drink water.
- So no more booze.
What about exercise? No one's going to the gym, so l want to do the one that, you know - Boot camp.
- Yes.
Military fitness.
Military.
- Mum, this is madness.
- Darling, this is my life! In three weeks, I want to be on the cusp of organ failure.
Good for you! I want my body just to be a relief map of veins.
I want to be an X-ray with a pulse.
Even your cells can't eat that fast.
- Eddie, we hate these women.
- Do we? Looking as though you've shoved your tits into a pencil sharpener.
It's all right for you.
You've always looked like that.
You're probably like me, Patsy.
I mean, sometimes l just forget to eat.
Patsy hasn't eaten since 1974.
- Well, there was that crisp.
- Oh, yes, the crisp.
Poor old Patsy.
She couldn't keep anything down.
She lost most of her back teeth to stomach acid.
At least I didn't drink my own piddle.
That was a very mean trick.
I hope that was my piddle, was it? I've done every diet.
l've done the hay diet, the cabbage diet.
The blood group diet, where you have to eat the food your ancestors would have gathered.
My ancestors were whale gatherers - thanks to you! - I've done combining - Combining food with alcohol.
Three meals a day is what you should stick to.
Three good meals a day! And then they had sex! There, that's a good scene! Your stomach's like a dog that doesn't know when it's going to be fed, so it hangs around until you want to kick it.
That is it.
That is it! I am going to do this.
I am going to get thin.
Witness.
Witness.
Witness.
Witness.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, let's go.
All right.
Three bird knees.
Here we go.
Three bird knees.
Up in the air.
Squat, then star jump.
Squat thrust, then star jump.
Come on! Come on! Keep moving.
Come on! - Come on.
- I've got snot all over my face! You will never get there if you don't do it.
- I can't do it! - Just do it.
Up you come.
Well done.
Down you go.
good stuff.
Move on.
and on the bar, chest on the bar, and down and up It's enormous! - Come on, concentrate.
- Come on.
Third time lucky.
Come on.
Let's do it again.
Come on! - Eddie.
- Don't! Cheers, darling.
Don't! Don't want it.
Don't want it.
Don't want it.
- I don't want it.
- Good for you, Mum.
You've changed your tune, darling.
Anyway, I'm going to be thin.
I'm going to do thin things, you know.
I want to be sort of eri bendy.
I want to be sort of hip hanging.
I'd like to take my clothes off and not be marked by them.
I never thought it worried you.
Yeah.
90% of awake time and 100% of sleep time I worry about it.
Eddie, you look fine.
You dress like A fat billboard.
l know! Is that why you wear labels, so the designer takes the blame? Clunk clunk! It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out.
DKY bosoms.
Not mine.
Dolce and Gabbana fat thighs.
Not mine! Oh, Eddie, this is no fun.
l know it's no fun, darling, but it's dieting.
I have to diet.
Must think about dieting.
What are you eating? What are you doing today while I'm dieting? I met an old school friend, so he's coming round later.
I met him at the Royal Court.
I finished my play - Oh? - Oh.
They might be doing it as a workshop in the studio.
Oooh! If he's at all good-looking, have sex with him.
I'm worried your business is going to heal over.
- Hello.
- Hey, how are you? Fantastic.
Wow! Like it.
- I cannot believe we met like that.
- I knew it was you immediately.
- You haven't changed.
- neither have you.
Wow.
- Very nice.
- Yeah.
So what side of the business did you say you were on again? Oh, l'm a writer.
l wrote something for the Edinburgh Yes, please.
And, well, the Royal Court are really interested, so they want to workshop it.
Well, it's a piece about social struggle and sort of - Sorry.
You are a writer, so - Yeah.
Yeah.
hey, I'm an actor.
Bear me in mind.
- Great.
- What are you working on now? Were we in the same class at school? Because I thought - Same year, yeah.
- Yeah.
You sat next to me in Maths.
Hey, Maths.
Love it, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Anyway, what did you say you did again? Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, my agent's being very protective at the moment, not letting me take stuff in case it interferes with the big plan.
Which is? Oh, you know.
Movies, L.
A.
, whatever.
Patsy was experimenting with hairstyle variety.
Great.
Are those for me? Thanks.
- You look nice.
- What? What? I don't know how they get people to go to these parties.
It's cocaine.
Lines inside means lines outside.
Donatella is a genius.
Six.
Possibly eight.
And I said, ''What's that sound?'' And he said, ''That, Taylor, is the sound of doors opening.
'' And i've been practically knee-deep in scripts ever since.
But you are so right.
Relationships suffer.
You must know.
You're a writer.
You know, two-way traffic.
Have you got a girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend, yeah.
Singer-dancer, Shelagh Kidron? of? Starlight Express? No.
- Are they? You? Yeah? - No, I don't.
- May I? - Oh, yes.
Please, yes.
Sorry.
Anyway, just er couple for later.
Racehorse and donkey.
It's a glib phrase, but racehorse and donkey.
Once you've figured it out, the world makes sense.
Yes, i know.
I'm telling you now, he's an absolute stud.
- Bye.
- Candy! - Darling.
How are you doing? - Fine.
You? Very good.
The Daily Express has got pics of that pool boy sucking my tits in St Lucia.
- Winston? - Oh, yeah.
Lovely.
Darling, do you want to have lunch or something? I can't.
I'm meeting an old school friend.
- Minge! - Candy! Oh, don't worry.
I've got it covered.
- Take him.
he smells of poo.
- Come to Auntie Minge, sweetie.
Yeah.
And the snail had his own trailer, so - What snail? - Snail had his own trailer.
- ln the Doc.
The Doctor.
- Doctor who? No, no.
Doolittle.
Dr Doolittle.
When I I toured in it, yeah? Oh, terrific numbers.
Did you see it? Er, no.
Put me on the map.
Talk to the animals Show stopper.
Stopped the show.
Wellif you don't count the snail.
There were some big rounds for the snail.
Giant snail, so big er big bastard, but a lot of the animals The animals - beautifully crafted animatronics.
Look, Taylor.
Sorry, the time I've got to write.
Absolutely.
Yeah, I'm with you.
Let's make like sheep and get the flock out of here.
10-9, yeah.
Could I just quickly borrow your phone? Yeah, of course.
To call a cab? No, actually, l just want to ring L.
A.
Going to L.
A.
next week and I just want to page myself in a restaurant Get on the wire before I'm out there.
Well done.
Battery's gone.
I'm off.
I've got dinner with Carol Vorderman.
- You did really brilliant today.
- Yeah.
Night night, darling.
I will do it! Oh, Eddie! Eddie! Hello.
Eddie, you need a drink, darling.
I don't need a drink.
I'm all right.
How are you doing? - How are you doing with this? - All right.
What's the point of this? Let's have some fun.
- I've got to do it.
- Just one drink downstairs.
You go ahead.
It was very nice meeting you again.
Absolutely great, and bear me in mind with the writing.
Oh, I say! Care to share a cab with me somewhere? Hey.
Absolutely not.
Sweetheart? Pats? Oh, I must eat! I must eat! I want to eat something.
Stay calm.
Just calm.
Just relax.
Just stay.
Think about your hip bone.
Oh, there's a hip bone.
Where's my hip bone gone? It was here! It was here! My hip bone.
God You gave me epiphany and now you have forsaken me.
The morning sun touched lightly On the eye of Lucy Jordan In a white suburban bedroom In a white suburban town As she lay there 'neath the covers Dreaming of a thousand lovers Till the world turned to orange And the room went spinning round At the age of 47 She realised she'd never Ride through Paris In a sports car With the warm wind in her hair So she let the phone keep ringing As she sat there softly singing Pretty nursery rhymes she'd memorised In her daddy's easy chair.
I must say, you're doing rather well, darling.
I never thought you had it in you.
I'm singing this for you because I know you like it.
hee-haw! Of course.
You started that.
Patsy's one of mine.
What are you doing here? This one is with me.
Did you suggest this diet? lt's not a diet.
It's a detox.
Why do you keep coming up with these things? It plays on their vanity and I gave them that.
No.
You gave them self-hatred.
Oh, whatever.
They love a diet.
In the world of self-loathing, The Barbie Doll reigns supreme.
Oh, don't get heavy.
It's a shallow world now.
I know.
Nothing can develop any more.
They just want freshly-popped foetus bodies and sex doll faces.
I mean, look at the art Oh, do stop! This is a world where Carol Vorderman is a sex symbol and St Tropez is a bottle of fake tan.
I love it! They won't have any use for you and me soon.
Frankly, I'm bored.
What's the point of me if i'm acceptable? In China, they're putting girl babies in dustbins as a matter of routine Now who's getting heavy? It's so not 2001 .
I just wish everybody could love each other.
That was such an attractive idea.
Mmm.
Fancy a drink or something? - Have you ever cut your fringe? - No.
You? I will if you will.
- No.
I will if you will.
- No.
Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, oh, oh! Oh.
Sweetheart.
Oh, darling, I need food.
Food.
Oh, darling, I nearly died last night, darling.
In fact, I think i'm pretty close to death now, sweetheart.
- Mum, you're not.
- How do you know? I'm looking at you.
You look fine.
Look fine.
I know what that means.
That means I still look fat! You have lost a lot of weight.
Not that that's important.
I know i've lost a lot of weight, but not enough! I want to eat! I knew this would never work.
It is working.
Stop being a victim and take control! I'm a fat person, that's the end of it! Me! The woman who got stuck on an eating loop in Yo! Sushi.
I mean, honestly, if they keep it coming round of course i'm going to eat it, aren't I?! I'll get you something.
Something.
God, this is such hard work! How does Geri bloody Halliwell do it, eh? How does she do that? This isn't lovely fun, jumpy, lovely day, lots of energy, fun.
This is horrible, painful, funless grind.
Welcome to my world.
Not my world.
I tell you what i'm going to do.
I'm going to get a body double for life.
Yeah.
Then I can eat what I want.
I mean, they do it in the movies.
You can be the star of the film and someone else does all the body bits.
That's what I want.
I'm going to the fridge.
Don't stop me, darling.
Don't stop me! 'Cause I'm going to the fridge, sweetheart! Fine.
I'm not going to stop you.
This is what you always do.
Everyone else takes over - takes responsibility.
Well, I won't.
You do it and you face the consequences.
Fat or thin, you are a nightmare of selfishness! Mum.
Mum.
You just opened the fridge without heaving your whole body.
- Help Mama! Help Mama! - What? - What? - There's a lump.
- Where? - A lump here.
Feel that.
What is that? Aah! What is that? Mum, it's a muscle.
That? That's a muscle? I've got a muscle?! Ring Katy Grin, tell her i've got a muscle! Ring Pats! Tell her i've got a muscle.
Sweetheart, have I got another? No, no.
Feel that.
I've got a muscle.
Feel it.
Don't push it away! Don't push it away! Just feel it.
Ring them up.
Tell them i've got a muscle.
- You can do it! - I can do it! Upper arms! Punch, punch, punch! To me.
Punch! Great.
That is fantastic.
Think of Planet Thin, Planet Thin.
That's it! That's it! Ha! So here I am, minus a stone of toxin.
Feeling pretty good.
Sniffing the old O2 and ingesting the wheatgerm and about to be tanned, pummelled and scrubbed, and I shall be ready to go.
Sweetheart? What do you think? Is that dress new? Yeah, yeah.
Do you love it? It's gorgeous.
lt's just that it's What? What? It's still too small.
Well, that's because l'm going to get thinner.
I'm going to get thinner than this.
Sweetheart, can I ask you something? Will you stop doing that and listen? Do you think attention can become addictive? I wouldn't want that to happen to me.
I wouldn't want that.
Also, sweetheart, darling, darling.
Mummy's worried because I don't want you to worry when they start saying she's too thin.
All right? Because it is inevitable.
Now, film Mama leaving.
- Mum, please.
- Film me leaving.
Stop being so selfish and film me leaving! Come on, darling.
Come on.
Come on, darling.
Am I in shot? Yes.
You're filling the screen.
Well, zoom out, zoom out.
Here I come.
Here I come.
Ready? Here she comes The most beautiful girl in the world Pah! She's the right one Follow me, follow me.
She's the bright one That's Edini.
Hi.
- Da da! - Oh, Eddie.
I think I can just squeeze in.
No, I can't.
Can you just shift it slightly? That's it.
- Well done! - Thank you.
There, i've said it.
Personal detox complete.
- Cheers, cheers, cheers.
- Well done, Eddie.
- Did you lose weight? - Oh? - Yeah.
This is my first drink.
- What's your secret? Well, the thing is No.
not now, Eddie, not now.
Well done, but now just get on with your life.
- I agree.
- You can't make it your life.
Absolutely.
Slimming is just it's overrated.
All those reinvented ones.
They get thin, get PR, dump their husbands, then they're found all alone with their bones sticking out.
Why this body obsession? When did we get like this? It's sex, sex.
- Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! - But why? Would the word orifice help at this point? Everyone wants to get screwed.
No mystery.
The old ones should wear more clothes.
Yeah.
Or get pissed, then don't look at what you're tupping.
This is so Sex ln The City, isn't it? I hate that show.
- Which one am I? - The nice one.
I'm Sarah Jessica Parker.
What? You're still too fat! Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! Still, it doesn't really matter, does it, 'cause, you know, fat or thin, you still love me, don't you? Darling? Saff? Saff? Saff? Biscuits to dunk! Biscuits to This wheel shall explode! Ziggy played guitar!