All In The Family s04e04 Episode Script
Archie and the Kiss
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days [HUMMING.]
Oh, Mike! There you are.
Thanks, Ma.
But what was that for? It's Henry Mancini's birthday.
Uh, Ma-- What--? What was that about Henry Mancini? Well, he wrote the song "Moon River.
" Moon River-- Yeah.
I know.
Wider than a mile-- Ma, I know the song.
I know the song.
What was that about his birthday, though? Well, 12 years ago, when that song first came out, it was summer, and very hot, and Archie came home one day and he said, "Edith, I'm taking you on the town tonight.
"We're going to the Radio City Music Hall "and then to Schraft's for a banana split.
We're shootin' the works.
" Ma, wait! Ma, wait a second.
Let me get this straight.
to Radio City Music Hall and then you had a banana split.
What does that have to--? Archie was in such a good mood that night.
And the stage show at the Music Hall! The Rockettes were all dressed up like poor little street kids, except they had high heels.
You take that.
Yeah.
Uh, Ma-- Ma! Wait a second.
I'm still waiting for Henry Mancini.
Well, that was the picture at the Music Hall, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and the song in the picture was "Moon River.
" Oh.
BOTH: By Henry Mancini.
And then, when Archie and me got home, Gloria's radio was playing "Moon River.
" And we heard it as we was walking up the stairs and we started humming it together, and Archie kissed me.
Oh! [GIGGLES.]
Excuse me.
That was the best part of one of the best days in my whole life.
And all because of Henry Mancini.
Yeah.
And the whole night came back to me when I was reading in Ed Sullivan's column that today is Henry Mancini's birthday.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I just love my family.
[LAUGHS.]
We love you too, Ma.
Oh, I just can't wait for everybody to get home.
I hope Archie's in a good mood.
Do you have to slam the door like that? Gee, I hate that! I really hate that! Listen, Meathead, when I come home after a hard day's work, that means I've been working hard all day.
Why? So I can make money.
To buy things, like a house.
And on that house is a door, which I also bought.
Why? So as when I come home after a hard day's work, I got something to slam after me.
Hello, Archie.
How was your day? Does that answer your question? Oh, yeah.
I guess so.
Would it make you feel any better if I told you that today is Henry Mancini's birthday? Now could we have dinner on the table? Yeah.
Right away.
Gotta warn you, Arch.
It's not good to hide your feelings.
If something's bothering you, you gotta let it out.
I'd like to let you out an upstairs window.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Go answer the door.
Yeah, I'll get it.
I'm coming.
Coming.
Michael, look what I have.
Hey, that's The Kiss.
Yeah! Don't you just--? Isn't it great? Michael, please move the elephant.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Where'd that come from? Oh, look! Rodin's The Kiss.
Don't you just love it? Yeah, it's beautiful.
Where did you get it? Don't you really love it? I love it.
But where--? Michael, why aren't you as excited as I am? I'm excited.
I'm excited! Look! Ha-ha-ha-ha! See? That's happy.
I just want to know where it came from.
Oh, Irene Lorenzo gave it to me.
It's ours! Just like that? You know how I always flipped over the statue? Yeah.
Well, I was over there admiring it again and Irene Lorenzo said, "Gee, Gloria, if you admire it that much, take it.
It's yours.
" Isn't it fabulous? Sensational.
Next time, admire their stereo set.
Hi, Gloria! Oh, hi, Ma.
I'm so happy to see you.
Ma, look what I got.
Oh, my! Ain't that the same statue as the Lorenzos have? Yeah, Ma, and Irene gave it to me.
You like it? Oh, yeah.
You don't see people kissing on statues much.
I guess that's because they're always sitting on horses.
And speaking of kissing Oh.
Gee, Ma, you're sure happy today.
That's because I love you and I love Mike and I love your father and it's Henry Mancini's birthday.
Huh? You tell her about it, Mike.
I gotta get the salad.
Oh, okay.
Tell me.
Never mind.
It's a long story.
Just get on the couch.
What? Just do what I tell you.
Get on the couch.
Okay.
Put your leg over here.
Oh, I get it.
Take your left arm, put it around my neck here, like that.
Yeah.
That's it.
All right.
You ready? Yeah.
Go.
Mmm! Wait a second.
There's something missing.
Something's not right.
Ah! I got it.
They're naked.
We gotta take our clothes off.
Michael! Give me a kiss.
Mmm! After three years of marriage, he's still after her like a hamburger.
Hi, Daddy.
Wait.
Wait.
Never mind the "Hi, Daddy.
" What is this piece of filth here doing on my coffee table? Filth? Arch, that's a great reproduction.
I don't want no reproducting on my coffee table.
What is wrong with this statue? It's naked and I hate it.
I have never seen anybody get so uptight about the naked body.
Listen, little girl, there's a time and a place for naked, you know? But this thing here, that can only be a fountain in a men's room.
Oh, Daddy, how can you say that about a statue that expresses pure love? What's pure about two little naked people on a rock? You're always quoting the Bible.
What about Adam and Eve? They were naked.
They probably sat on lots of rocks.
Don't talk like an ignorosis, will you? Let me tell you something.
Back in the days when God started making people, he didn't know how naked was gonna look on them.
And when he found out, he didn't like what he seen there, and he told people to put clothes on them and never to take them off again in public.
Idiot! You know something, Arch? I wish that you had a zipper in the back of your head that I could open up, put my hands in there and massage some sense into your brains.
Get away from me.
Who are you to judge what's dirty? Even the Supreme Court copped out on that.
They left the interpretation of what's obscene to local standards.
And they were right.
And this is my house and I'm the local standard.
I want that thing the hell outta here.
Where'd you get it anyway? In some porno shop? No, it is not from a porno shop.
It is a gift to me from Irene Lorenzo and I am not giving it back.
Oh, Irene Lorenzo, the queen of the women's lubrication movement.
What's she trying to do, wharf your mind, bringing in garbage like that? I am not standing around to hear a tasteless person, even if he is my father, insult a great work of art! I told you I want it outta here.
Dinner in two minutes! I'm gonna wash up.
I'll help you, Ma.
Outta here! I want that statue to stay right where it is.
Out.
Do you hear me? I repeat, I want it to stay right where it is.
This is my house too, you know, and that means that I have some rights around here.
You do know that, don't you? I have rights.
I do! For talking to your father like that, you may leave this room.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
That wife of yours has a mouth on her bigger than her whole body.
I wonder where she inherited it.
Do me a favor, will you, and shut up.
I haven't said a word yet.
Well, look who's here.
Frank Lorenzo, the prince of pepperoni.
I'm sorry, Arch.
I can't stay long.
I just brought this recipe for Edith.
Yeah, well, she's in the kitchen.
Oh-ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What have we got here? The Kiss.
We've got a reproduction just like that at our house.
No, you got one just like that in our house.
What? Your wife Irene gave that statue to my daughter Gloria.
My wife Irene gave that statue-- Gave that statue-- To your daughter Gloria? To my daughter Gloria.
Without asking me? She just-- You mean Irene didn't ask you? No.
That's my favorite statue.
That's my Kiss.
My Kiss.
I want my Kiss.
Oh.
Oh, Frank, you're gonna get your Kiss.
I think Irene only loaned that statue to Gloria.
In fact, I think I heard mention made of that.
Here.
Why don't you take it? If it's a loan, keep it a while longer if you really like it.
I really like it better at your house.
Okay.
Give this recipe to Edith.
Yeah, sure.
I'll give it to her.
Yeah.
You know, Arch, you really surprise me.
I didn't think you'd go in for this kind of stuff.
Oh, sure.
I'm a statue fan from way back.
I couldn't love statues more if I was a pigeon.
I'll see you, Arch.
Yeah, Frank.
Yeah.
ARCHIE: And give our thanks to Irene for loaning us that statue, huh? FRANK: Okay, Archie.
Yeah.
Arrivederci.
Oh, hi.
Uh, that was Frank Lorenzo just come and left.
I could see that.
And you gave him my statue too, didn't you? Well, the man came in here and he said that, uh, the statue was only a loan and he wanted it back, so he took it away.
That's a lie.
Oh-ho, well, I don't have to stand here and listen to talk like that.
Oh, yes, you do.
I love that statue and so does Michael! It was our first real piece of art.
What's going on in here? What's going on in here is your daughter standing here calling her father a liar.
Gloria, you shouldn't talk to your father that way.
Yes, I should.
He took something that I love.
Well, that ain't lying.
That's stealing.
Will you stifle? Don't help me explain nothing, huh? I got something to say to you, little girl, so you listen to me.
No, you listen to me.
No, I will not.
I am never gonna listen to you again and you're never gonna have the opportunity to listen to me again either because I am never going to speak to you again, never, ever! Glo-- Gloria! Archie! Please don't fight! Not on Henry Mancini's birthday! I'm sorry, Ma, but I am not talking to him and I may never talk to him again.
What? Oh, Gloria! No, don't go up to your room! Gloria! What's wrong? What's wrong is your wife, my daughter, was standing here, calling me a liar.
And your mother-in-law, my wife, was standing here, letting her get away with it.
And now, there they are, up the stairs with the two of them.
Does this mean we don't eat? Gloria, pass me over the ketchup.
I says, Gloria, pass me over the ketchup.
Get your hands off the ketchup, Edith.
I'll ask you one more time, Gloria.
Pass me over the ketchup.
All right, Edith, you may pass me over the ketchup.
I wanna tell you something, little girl.
You ain't hurting me with this here silent treatment, you know? Of course, you're putting your mother in misery.
Look at the face on her.
Can't you show a little respect for your mother, huh? Be a little nice to your mother? Edith, what is this crapola you're giving me? It's a French dish, Archie.
It's called potatoes au gratin.
I don't care what you call it.
Do you realize you spilled cheese in the potatoes? Oh, no.
The cheese is supposed to be there.
The recipe called for it.
Are you telling me that somebody wrote in a book that you're supposed to put cheese in my potatoes? There you go again.
Anything that you haven't seen before, anything that's a little bit different, you're against.
Before you were against French art, now you're against French cooking.
Let me tell you this.
Pbbbbt to the French.
I'll tell you something else about the French there, wise guy.
You know why they lost World War II? Because when the Krauts was marching into their country, the French was running around naked, putting up dirty statues and throwing cheese in their potatoes.
But, Archie, how did the Germans know they was French if they didn't have no clothes on? They knew they was French, Edith, because they had cheese all over them.
Hi.
What do you mean, "hi"? Where you been? It's 6:18.
Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
Were you worried? You bet I was worried.
My cheese soufflé has to come out of the oven at 6:21.
Well, I mentioned that to the bus driver, but he didn't seem very impressed.
Ha, ha, ha! Very funny.
What's in the box? It's a present for Gloria.
From both of us.
You gave Gloria another present? There you go.
You're doing it again.
How can you give Gloria a gift from us without asking me? Me is half of us.
I didn't think you'd mind.
I mind! Well, it's just kind of a peace offering.
Well, it's not my fault that that house is in uproar.
My favorite piece of sculpture, and you give it to Gloria without asking me.
You never ask me anything.
Come on, Frank! What's the big deal? I know you.
If you'd seen Gloria's face when she looked at that statue, you'd have given it to her yourself.
Naturally, if I'd have seen her face.
But I didn't see her face.
You didn't ask me to see her face.
But that's not the point.
The point is that you never ask me about anything.
You give my statue to Gloria without asking me, you give her a gift without asking me, you plan a trip for us to Cleveland without asking me.
Well, don't you want to go see your sons? Of course I do.
Okay.
When? That's up to you.
Up to me? You really are something, you know that? How am I supposed to know what things I should ask and what things I shouldn't ask? Just ask me.
You're crazy, Frank.
You know that? How does anyone talk to a raving Italian? "Raving Italian.
" There it is.
It all comes out in the open.
After all these years.
What? Oh, they told me.
They told me before we got married.
They said, "You marry somebody who's Irish, "and someday you'll get into an argument with her and she's gonna say, 'Aha! Wop!'" I didn't say "Wop"! I didn't even say "Aha!" But you were thinking "Aha!" And when you're thinking "Aha!" can "Wop" be far behind? Gloria out there in the living room? No.
She's upstairs.
Good.
Now get over here, because I got something to show you.
Got a little present here for Gloria.
Oh! You bought something for Gloria? Yeah, you know, kind of make it up to her, huh? And because she's so crazy about statues, I got this one here.
This is something that she can love and we can all enjoy.
See? Oh, yeah.
That sure is something.
Ain't that nice? Now, look, up here there's a hole, see, where you can put an artificial flower.
And then here you got a fish.
Look at the detail work on that.
See? You can tell right away that that there is a carp.
See? And up here, with the birds, if you close your eyes, you can almost hear them singing there while the colored lady plays the ukulele.
Now, for a person with a dirty mind, you know, you look up around here where the beads are.
But on this statue, this has got a clock, see? So that takes the person's mind off these here.
Puts it down here where it belongs, see? On the time, which you need.
Now, that's taste.
Archie, that's so sweet of you.
Yeah.
I know it.
Let's take it into the living room, huh? All right.
Where you gonna put it? Oh, we'll find someplace for it in here.
[LAUGHING.]
What is that? Don't show your ignorance.
What do you think it is? I don't know, but you better get it lanced before it starts festering.
You are a low-quality guy.
Can't you tell that's a work of art? I bought that in that fancy place, Carlson's, over on the Boulevard there.
That's one of a kind.
That's one of a kind? They had a bunch of them in blue.
This was the only one in yellow.
Mike, don't you think it's nice of Archie to buy it for Gloria? You bought this for Gloria? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
That's right, buddy.
For my daughter.
I can hardly wait for her to see it.
I think you can wait, Arch.
Gloria? The Lorenzos are here.
They wanna see you.
Hey.
Hey, I'm glad youse people are here.
I got something to show you.
Now.
There.
Feast your eyes on that.
ARCHIE: Now, that's a work of art.
Now, tell the truth.
Now, ain't that a lot nicer than that plaster from Paris thing you got, huh? With the two nudies groping each other? Archie bought it for Gloria to cheer her up.
Well, that should do the job.
It certainly put a smile on my face.
It put a smile on my face too.
Well, why don't you sit down.
Gloria will be here in a minute.
You see, this is Archie's way of saying "I'm sorry" to Gloria.
Oh, we feel it was all our fault.
Yeah.
So we brought Gloria a little something too.
Irene, Gloria ain't mad at you.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Oh! Hi, Gloria.
Hiya, Gloria.
I've been waiting here for you because I've got-- Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Lorenzo.
Hi, dear.
Gloria, look.
What is that? It's a statue.
A statue of what? A lady playing a ukulele.
Why does she have a fish on her head? That's a carp.
And this here is a clock to take your mind off other things.
Gloria, before you say any more, I think your father has something to say to you.
No, no, Meathead, I got nothing to say.
Come on, Archie.
Don't be shy.
Lay off, will you, Irene.
Gloria, your father has a little gift for you.
Irene, will you lay off, huh? Give her the gift, Archie.
Huh? Give her the present you bought.
Oh, yeah.
Um, it's a A present for you, Gloria.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's a-- Well, open it up and let's see what it is.
Oh, Daddy, it's beautiful! Daddyyou got this for me? It's sheer.
I mean, you can see right through it.
Yeah, well, I guess it should have been a thicker color, you know? Daddyyou didn't buy this nightgown for me.
You bought that statue for me, didn't you? Yeah, because, uh, I think a girl ought to be talking to her father.
Daddy, I can't tell you how much that means to me that you would buy that statue for me.
Yeah, you like it? No, I hate it.
But I love you, Daddy.
Thanks for the nightgown, Mrs.
Lorenzo.
I'm gonna go upstairs and try it on now.
I think I'll give her a hand.
Get outta here! And then I'll give her the other hand.
Get outta here! Can you imagine a guy talking that way in front of the neighbors here? Now, that is bad taste.
Hey, Edith, here's an item that might interest you.
It's Ed Sullivan apologizing in his column for getting Henry Mancini's birthday wrong.
Mancini's birthday's April 16.
It wasn't the other day at all.
I hope somebody tells Henry Mancini.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Oh, Mike! There you are.
Thanks, Ma.
But what was that for? It's Henry Mancini's birthday.
Uh, Ma-- What--? What was that about Henry Mancini? Well, he wrote the song "Moon River.
" Moon River-- Yeah.
I know.
Wider than a mile-- Ma, I know the song.
I know the song.
What was that about his birthday, though? Well, 12 years ago, when that song first came out, it was summer, and very hot, and Archie came home one day and he said, "Edith, I'm taking you on the town tonight.
"We're going to the Radio City Music Hall "and then to Schraft's for a banana split.
We're shootin' the works.
" Ma, wait! Ma, wait a second.
Let me get this straight.
to Radio City Music Hall and then you had a banana split.
What does that have to--? Archie was in such a good mood that night.
And the stage show at the Music Hall! The Rockettes were all dressed up like poor little street kids, except they had high heels.
You take that.
Yeah.
Uh, Ma-- Ma! Wait a second.
I'm still waiting for Henry Mancini.
Well, that was the picture at the Music Hall, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and the song in the picture was "Moon River.
" Oh.
BOTH: By Henry Mancini.
And then, when Archie and me got home, Gloria's radio was playing "Moon River.
" And we heard it as we was walking up the stairs and we started humming it together, and Archie kissed me.
Oh! [GIGGLES.]
Excuse me.
That was the best part of one of the best days in my whole life.
And all because of Henry Mancini.
Yeah.
And the whole night came back to me when I was reading in Ed Sullivan's column that today is Henry Mancini's birthday.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I just love my family.
[LAUGHS.]
We love you too, Ma.
Oh, I just can't wait for everybody to get home.
I hope Archie's in a good mood.
Do you have to slam the door like that? Gee, I hate that! I really hate that! Listen, Meathead, when I come home after a hard day's work, that means I've been working hard all day.
Why? So I can make money.
To buy things, like a house.
And on that house is a door, which I also bought.
Why? So as when I come home after a hard day's work, I got something to slam after me.
Hello, Archie.
How was your day? Does that answer your question? Oh, yeah.
I guess so.
Would it make you feel any better if I told you that today is Henry Mancini's birthday? Now could we have dinner on the table? Yeah.
Right away.
Gotta warn you, Arch.
It's not good to hide your feelings.
If something's bothering you, you gotta let it out.
I'd like to let you out an upstairs window.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Go answer the door.
Yeah, I'll get it.
I'm coming.
Coming.
Michael, look what I have.
Hey, that's The Kiss.
Yeah! Don't you just--? Isn't it great? Michael, please move the elephant.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Where'd that come from? Oh, look! Rodin's The Kiss.
Don't you just love it? Yeah, it's beautiful.
Where did you get it? Don't you really love it? I love it.
But where--? Michael, why aren't you as excited as I am? I'm excited.
I'm excited! Look! Ha-ha-ha-ha! See? That's happy.
I just want to know where it came from.
Oh, Irene Lorenzo gave it to me.
It's ours! Just like that? You know how I always flipped over the statue? Yeah.
Well, I was over there admiring it again and Irene Lorenzo said, "Gee, Gloria, if you admire it that much, take it.
It's yours.
" Isn't it fabulous? Sensational.
Next time, admire their stereo set.
Hi, Gloria! Oh, hi, Ma.
I'm so happy to see you.
Ma, look what I got.
Oh, my! Ain't that the same statue as the Lorenzos have? Yeah, Ma, and Irene gave it to me.
You like it? Oh, yeah.
You don't see people kissing on statues much.
I guess that's because they're always sitting on horses.
And speaking of kissing Oh.
Gee, Ma, you're sure happy today.
That's because I love you and I love Mike and I love your father and it's Henry Mancini's birthday.
Huh? You tell her about it, Mike.
I gotta get the salad.
Oh, okay.
Tell me.
Never mind.
It's a long story.
Just get on the couch.
What? Just do what I tell you.
Get on the couch.
Okay.
Put your leg over here.
Oh, I get it.
Take your left arm, put it around my neck here, like that.
Yeah.
That's it.
All right.
You ready? Yeah.
Go.
Mmm! Wait a second.
There's something missing.
Something's not right.
Ah! I got it.
They're naked.
We gotta take our clothes off.
Michael! Give me a kiss.
Mmm! After three years of marriage, he's still after her like a hamburger.
Hi, Daddy.
Wait.
Wait.
Never mind the "Hi, Daddy.
" What is this piece of filth here doing on my coffee table? Filth? Arch, that's a great reproduction.
I don't want no reproducting on my coffee table.
What is wrong with this statue? It's naked and I hate it.
I have never seen anybody get so uptight about the naked body.
Listen, little girl, there's a time and a place for naked, you know? But this thing here, that can only be a fountain in a men's room.
Oh, Daddy, how can you say that about a statue that expresses pure love? What's pure about two little naked people on a rock? You're always quoting the Bible.
What about Adam and Eve? They were naked.
They probably sat on lots of rocks.
Don't talk like an ignorosis, will you? Let me tell you something.
Back in the days when God started making people, he didn't know how naked was gonna look on them.
And when he found out, he didn't like what he seen there, and he told people to put clothes on them and never to take them off again in public.
Idiot! You know something, Arch? I wish that you had a zipper in the back of your head that I could open up, put my hands in there and massage some sense into your brains.
Get away from me.
Who are you to judge what's dirty? Even the Supreme Court copped out on that.
They left the interpretation of what's obscene to local standards.
And they were right.
And this is my house and I'm the local standard.
I want that thing the hell outta here.
Where'd you get it anyway? In some porno shop? No, it is not from a porno shop.
It is a gift to me from Irene Lorenzo and I am not giving it back.
Oh, Irene Lorenzo, the queen of the women's lubrication movement.
What's she trying to do, wharf your mind, bringing in garbage like that? I am not standing around to hear a tasteless person, even if he is my father, insult a great work of art! I told you I want it outta here.
Dinner in two minutes! I'm gonna wash up.
I'll help you, Ma.
Outta here! I want that statue to stay right where it is.
Out.
Do you hear me? I repeat, I want it to stay right where it is.
This is my house too, you know, and that means that I have some rights around here.
You do know that, don't you? I have rights.
I do! For talking to your father like that, you may leave this room.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
That wife of yours has a mouth on her bigger than her whole body.
I wonder where she inherited it.
Do me a favor, will you, and shut up.
I haven't said a word yet.
Well, look who's here.
Frank Lorenzo, the prince of pepperoni.
I'm sorry, Arch.
I can't stay long.
I just brought this recipe for Edith.
Yeah, well, she's in the kitchen.
Oh-ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What have we got here? The Kiss.
We've got a reproduction just like that at our house.
No, you got one just like that in our house.
What? Your wife Irene gave that statue to my daughter Gloria.
My wife Irene gave that statue-- Gave that statue-- To your daughter Gloria? To my daughter Gloria.
Without asking me? She just-- You mean Irene didn't ask you? No.
That's my favorite statue.
That's my Kiss.
My Kiss.
I want my Kiss.
Oh.
Oh, Frank, you're gonna get your Kiss.
I think Irene only loaned that statue to Gloria.
In fact, I think I heard mention made of that.
Here.
Why don't you take it? If it's a loan, keep it a while longer if you really like it.
I really like it better at your house.
Okay.
Give this recipe to Edith.
Yeah, sure.
I'll give it to her.
Yeah.
You know, Arch, you really surprise me.
I didn't think you'd go in for this kind of stuff.
Oh, sure.
I'm a statue fan from way back.
I couldn't love statues more if I was a pigeon.
I'll see you, Arch.
Yeah, Frank.
Yeah.
ARCHIE: And give our thanks to Irene for loaning us that statue, huh? FRANK: Okay, Archie.
Yeah.
Arrivederci.
Oh, hi.
Uh, that was Frank Lorenzo just come and left.
I could see that.
And you gave him my statue too, didn't you? Well, the man came in here and he said that, uh, the statue was only a loan and he wanted it back, so he took it away.
That's a lie.
Oh-ho, well, I don't have to stand here and listen to talk like that.
Oh, yes, you do.
I love that statue and so does Michael! It was our first real piece of art.
What's going on in here? What's going on in here is your daughter standing here calling her father a liar.
Gloria, you shouldn't talk to your father that way.
Yes, I should.
He took something that I love.
Well, that ain't lying.
That's stealing.
Will you stifle? Don't help me explain nothing, huh? I got something to say to you, little girl, so you listen to me.
No, you listen to me.
No, I will not.
I am never gonna listen to you again and you're never gonna have the opportunity to listen to me again either because I am never going to speak to you again, never, ever! Glo-- Gloria! Archie! Please don't fight! Not on Henry Mancini's birthday! I'm sorry, Ma, but I am not talking to him and I may never talk to him again.
What? Oh, Gloria! No, don't go up to your room! Gloria! What's wrong? What's wrong is your wife, my daughter, was standing here, calling me a liar.
And your mother-in-law, my wife, was standing here, letting her get away with it.
And now, there they are, up the stairs with the two of them.
Does this mean we don't eat? Gloria, pass me over the ketchup.
I says, Gloria, pass me over the ketchup.
Get your hands off the ketchup, Edith.
I'll ask you one more time, Gloria.
Pass me over the ketchup.
All right, Edith, you may pass me over the ketchup.
I wanna tell you something, little girl.
You ain't hurting me with this here silent treatment, you know? Of course, you're putting your mother in misery.
Look at the face on her.
Can't you show a little respect for your mother, huh? Be a little nice to your mother? Edith, what is this crapola you're giving me? It's a French dish, Archie.
It's called potatoes au gratin.
I don't care what you call it.
Do you realize you spilled cheese in the potatoes? Oh, no.
The cheese is supposed to be there.
The recipe called for it.
Are you telling me that somebody wrote in a book that you're supposed to put cheese in my potatoes? There you go again.
Anything that you haven't seen before, anything that's a little bit different, you're against.
Before you were against French art, now you're against French cooking.
Let me tell you this.
Pbbbbt to the French.
I'll tell you something else about the French there, wise guy.
You know why they lost World War II? Because when the Krauts was marching into their country, the French was running around naked, putting up dirty statues and throwing cheese in their potatoes.
But, Archie, how did the Germans know they was French if they didn't have no clothes on? They knew they was French, Edith, because they had cheese all over them.
Hi.
What do you mean, "hi"? Where you been? It's 6:18.
Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
Were you worried? You bet I was worried.
My cheese soufflé has to come out of the oven at 6:21.
Well, I mentioned that to the bus driver, but he didn't seem very impressed.
Ha, ha, ha! Very funny.
What's in the box? It's a present for Gloria.
From both of us.
You gave Gloria another present? There you go.
You're doing it again.
How can you give Gloria a gift from us without asking me? Me is half of us.
I didn't think you'd mind.
I mind! Well, it's just kind of a peace offering.
Well, it's not my fault that that house is in uproar.
My favorite piece of sculpture, and you give it to Gloria without asking me.
You never ask me anything.
Come on, Frank! What's the big deal? I know you.
If you'd seen Gloria's face when she looked at that statue, you'd have given it to her yourself.
Naturally, if I'd have seen her face.
But I didn't see her face.
You didn't ask me to see her face.
But that's not the point.
The point is that you never ask me about anything.
You give my statue to Gloria without asking me, you give her a gift without asking me, you plan a trip for us to Cleveland without asking me.
Well, don't you want to go see your sons? Of course I do.
Okay.
When? That's up to you.
Up to me? You really are something, you know that? How am I supposed to know what things I should ask and what things I shouldn't ask? Just ask me.
You're crazy, Frank.
You know that? How does anyone talk to a raving Italian? "Raving Italian.
" There it is.
It all comes out in the open.
After all these years.
What? Oh, they told me.
They told me before we got married.
They said, "You marry somebody who's Irish, "and someday you'll get into an argument with her and she's gonna say, 'Aha! Wop!'" I didn't say "Wop"! I didn't even say "Aha!" But you were thinking "Aha!" And when you're thinking "Aha!" can "Wop" be far behind? Gloria out there in the living room? No.
She's upstairs.
Good.
Now get over here, because I got something to show you.
Got a little present here for Gloria.
Oh! You bought something for Gloria? Yeah, you know, kind of make it up to her, huh? And because she's so crazy about statues, I got this one here.
This is something that she can love and we can all enjoy.
See? Oh, yeah.
That sure is something.
Ain't that nice? Now, look, up here there's a hole, see, where you can put an artificial flower.
And then here you got a fish.
Look at the detail work on that.
See? You can tell right away that that there is a carp.
See? And up here, with the birds, if you close your eyes, you can almost hear them singing there while the colored lady plays the ukulele.
Now, for a person with a dirty mind, you know, you look up around here where the beads are.
But on this statue, this has got a clock, see? So that takes the person's mind off these here.
Puts it down here where it belongs, see? On the time, which you need.
Now, that's taste.
Archie, that's so sweet of you.
Yeah.
I know it.
Let's take it into the living room, huh? All right.
Where you gonna put it? Oh, we'll find someplace for it in here.
[LAUGHING.]
What is that? Don't show your ignorance.
What do you think it is? I don't know, but you better get it lanced before it starts festering.
You are a low-quality guy.
Can't you tell that's a work of art? I bought that in that fancy place, Carlson's, over on the Boulevard there.
That's one of a kind.
That's one of a kind? They had a bunch of them in blue.
This was the only one in yellow.
Mike, don't you think it's nice of Archie to buy it for Gloria? You bought this for Gloria? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
That's right, buddy.
For my daughter.
I can hardly wait for her to see it.
I think you can wait, Arch.
Gloria? The Lorenzos are here.
They wanna see you.
Hey.
Hey, I'm glad youse people are here.
I got something to show you.
Now.
There.
Feast your eyes on that.
ARCHIE: Now, that's a work of art.
Now, tell the truth.
Now, ain't that a lot nicer than that plaster from Paris thing you got, huh? With the two nudies groping each other? Archie bought it for Gloria to cheer her up.
Well, that should do the job.
It certainly put a smile on my face.
It put a smile on my face too.
Well, why don't you sit down.
Gloria will be here in a minute.
You see, this is Archie's way of saying "I'm sorry" to Gloria.
Oh, we feel it was all our fault.
Yeah.
So we brought Gloria a little something too.
Irene, Gloria ain't mad at you.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Oh! Hi, Gloria.
Hiya, Gloria.
I've been waiting here for you because I've got-- Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Lorenzo.
Hi, dear.
Gloria, look.
What is that? It's a statue.
A statue of what? A lady playing a ukulele.
Why does she have a fish on her head? That's a carp.
And this here is a clock to take your mind off other things.
Gloria, before you say any more, I think your father has something to say to you.
No, no, Meathead, I got nothing to say.
Come on, Archie.
Don't be shy.
Lay off, will you, Irene.
Gloria, your father has a little gift for you.
Irene, will you lay off, huh? Give her the gift, Archie.
Huh? Give her the present you bought.
Oh, yeah.
Um, it's a A present for you, Gloria.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's a-- Well, open it up and let's see what it is.
Oh, Daddy, it's beautiful! Daddyyou got this for me? It's sheer.
I mean, you can see right through it.
Yeah, well, I guess it should have been a thicker color, you know? Daddyyou didn't buy this nightgown for me.
You bought that statue for me, didn't you? Yeah, because, uh, I think a girl ought to be talking to her father.
Daddy, I can't tell you how much that means to me that you would buy that statue for me.
Yeah, you like it? No, I hate it.
But I love you, Daddy.
Thanks for the nightgown, Mrs.
Lorenzo.
I'm gonna go upstairs and try it on now.
I think I'll give her a hand.
Get outta here! And then I'll give her the other hand.
Get outta here! Can you imagine a guy talking that way in front of the neighbors here? Now, that is bad taste.
Hey, Edith, here's an item that might interest you.
It's Ed Sullivan apologizing in his column for getting Henry Mancini's birthday wrong.
Mancini's birthday's April 16.
It wasn't the other day at all.
I hope somebody tells Henry Mancini.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.