Ally Mcbeal s04e04 Episode Script

Previously on Ally McBeal: - Do you want to get dinner? - Sure.
I accepted my very first date with an old person.
- What if you give him a heart attack? - He's in shape.
Mid-fifties isn't that old.
He's a fossil.
- I'm looking for Tracy.
- Oh, she moved to Foxborough.
- Foxborough? - You wouldn't be Ally McBeal? All your life you've been attracted to people who make you crazy.
- What's your point? - Stay away from the therapist.
I'm not a therapist.
I'm a lawyer.
It says "Attorney at Law" on the door.
You're a lawyer? I know I shouldn't be hitting on you, but you're so cute.
What can I say? I'm a man.
I'm really a man.
Hold me close.
It's always the case.
When you meet one man, they all come out.
- I'm Jonathan.
- Ally.
McBeal.
- Do you want to get dinner? - I'd love to.
- What are you saying? - What I'm saying is I can't see you as anything other than a woman.
A woman I want to continue to see.
Ally? My son, Jonathan.
- Hi.
I never got his last name.
Your son? Uh, ah, Dad? Well, um What? Oh, my God! This is where I wish I had one of those remotes that could reset time about 15 seconds.
The "poise" delay.
Here's your brother.
Ally, this is my son, Jonathan.
I think we've met.
Met? We've been on a date together.
Hello again.
- You what? - Well, now it makes sense.
I've been thinking, "How could I have met two men in the same week who resemble each other in such flattering ways?" Now I understand.
How funny.
But not having one of those remotes Oh.
I totally have to pee.
I've been down this road Without A Net Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Yeah, now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah One day I will look back at this and laugh.
Or cry.
One or the other, I'm sure of it.
Ally? Kimmie.
Kimmie Bishop.
Kimmie - Hi! - How are you? Oh, I'm great.
Ally McBeal, the girls.
Girls, Ally.
I am here with the officers of the Women of Virtue Bar Chapter of Massachusetts.
Of which I'm president.
That's fantastic! God, after all these years.
Ally was voted "Biggest Prude" three years running.
Actually, two.
I tried to recruit her for our Christian Coalition but she wouldn't commit.
I thought: "We have to get her.
She is poster material.
" Am I wrong? Well, I almost joined.
Especially when you promised me that free spermicide underneath the table.
But when I went down there to get it I found you munching away on my boyfriend.
- Ally was always such a kidder.
- I'd love to stay and chat.
But I'm on a date with a father and son team.
And tonight they brought the sister, which Well, things could get really wild.
Hi.
What did I miss? Well, obviously, we have a rather impossible situation, but I I'm going to remove myself from the equation.
Dad, I'm opting out.
Okay? I won't date a woman who harbors interest in my son.
- Like I want a girl who's got the hots for my dad? - Men my age don't get hots.
Come on, Dad.
You sang Neil Diamond to her.
Jonathan, forget it.
- Do I get an opinion in all of this? - Of course.
Like you say, obviously we have some pretty unusual circumstances.
I'm sorry, I've gotta go.
I'm sorry, Ally.
Maybe some guys could get past this, but he is my son, and I'm sorry, I think I need some time too.
I apologize.
- So they both dumped you? - Well, sort of.
I wouldn't want to go out with a guy who was interested in my mother.
That's different.
Your mother's an old wrinkly thing.
Michael's at least half cute.
- For a relic.
- I think these slumber parties have served their purpose.
- I don't see why you can't date both.
- Excuse me? I agree.
We've all sat in this room belaboring the dearth of good men.
You've met two, and neither are married.
The relationship poses obstacles to you having a relationship with either, but it isn't prohibitive.
And in light of the dearth Oh.
- Jonathan.
- Please, don't say anything.
I apologize for walking out.
But I was pretty well, devastated.
I've never met somebody where I felt such an innate connection.
I wanted to make love to you as soon as I saw you sitting at that table.
- Even looking at you now - Jonathan.
Please, I need to say this.
I just came here to make sure that you know that me walking away had nothing to do with being indifferent Can I ask you one thing? - Before you do - No, just let me ask.
Do you like my father because he's a great guy? Or are you really attracted to him sexually? Can I get back to you on that? Yeah, um I wish you would.
It brings me comfort knowing everything happens for a reason.
It would just be nice once to be let in on it.
Hey! - I'm walking here.
You! Kimmie.
You humiliated me in front of my friends.
People who look up to me.
Oh.
Oh, Kimmie, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea that they looked up to you.
I'm disappointed you've become such a coarse person.
I can't believe I could even say what I'm about to say.
May you never find a man.
Oh, the reason we're crossing paths It isn't coincidence - I've just dropped off a complaint and a summons at your office.
- Excuse me? - I'm suing you for defamation, you bitch.
I'm so sorry, Sister.
I didn't mean it.
Oh, she's put on a little weight and her diaphragm is pinching.
Add that to your complaint, you witch.
Come on, it's! If I'd seen you, I'd have lowered my shoulder.
Larry.
Hey! - How's it going? - Good.
On my way to work, plowing down pedestrians.
- You've had that first cup of coffee.
- Exactly.
- How are you? - Good.
Still making people think I'm a therapist by putting "Attorney at Law" on my door.
- Ally? - Hi.
Hi.
How's Bryan? Oh, he's past-tense.
I'm dating a father and son now.
It's a long story.
I met the father.
I dated him.
I met the son.
I dated him.
- I didn't know, and now - It happens.
If you need a sympathetic ear I can fake it.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
Good to see you again.
- You too.
First up, Ally, what's this about you being sued? Oh, Kimmie Bishop.
Remember her from law school? Remember her? Androgynous beast.
Talk about a woman with stones of her own.
Oh, hi, Mark.
No, we weren't talking about your girlfriend, I promise.
Why is she suing you, Ally? - Defamation, libel.
It's ridiculous.
- This is going to sound cold-hearted - Coming from you, I can't believe it.
While I consider myself to be a very tolerant person Mark's dating a person who Yuck! It's disgusting.
And when word gets out which it will because it's such a good story it'll not only embarrass you, but the firm.
- How so? - Well, you're a litigator.
You stand up in front of judges and juries.
How much credibility do you think you'll have when your brethren find out your girlfriend has a man-missile? It's not gay rights.
It's a circus act, and it's disgusting.
- It's my private life.
It doesn't involve this firm.
And this conversation is over.
Okay.
Next up.
Michaels versus Henderson.
I believe Ally? Michael Bassett is here.
Michael! I came to apologize for fleeing the scene last night.
I was I guess I came rather undone.
Well, I can understand.
- But - You had high hopes for me and they were a little dashed at the sight of your son? Look, I'm not going to compete with Jonathan.
But that's why you're here, aren't you? What are your feelings for Jonathan? I only ask because I just met you, and I just met him and you both seem like really nice guys.
But it's just too early for me to know anything really.
Yeah, I guess Well, why don't I just say it? Jonathan and I both agree that you might be the most amazing woman on earth and it would be a tragedy if at least one of us didn't get you.
Now that was a good answer.
And I'm here now to say we won't compete.
This has to be your choice.
But I'm not equipped to make that choice and if you're asking me to flip a coin, I just won't do it.
For me to make an informed decision, I have to continue seeing both of you.
Did I just say that? It's a little strange, Ally.
I won't exchange saliva or bodily fluids with either of you.
Not until I narrow the field to one.
Now, go.
Go and take your son to a ball game.
And I will give you the first date tonight.
I'll look back and laugh.
I'll look back and laugh.
I'll look back and laugh.
You're gonna date them both? - Am I crazy? - That's beside the point.
It's hard to meet a normal guy who doesn't turn out to be an escaped prisoner, or a woman.
Hey, lay off it.
- Could you do that, please? - Sorry.
What if it works out with one? You could marry.
The in-law comes for Thanksgiving wanting your thigh over the turkey's.
- This is private.
- Your wages have been garnished.
- Excuse me? I got the notice from the court.
Kimmie Bishop went in ex parte.
- What? - A court order.
I have to start withholding wages, put them in escrow.
Elaine? I want to respond to this.
- Are you okay? - Fine.
I was just startled.
- Cindy, hi.
- Mark, hi.
- What's up? - I had some business across the street.
I thought I'd stop by and say hello.
Anyway, I'm gonna be done around noon.
You want to have some lunch? - Sure.
- Great.
- I'll come by when I'm done.
- Great.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hello again.
Hello.
My penis makes you nervous.
Hey! Ally.
Don't tell me.
The son has a twin.
Funny.
I'm here to hire you.
Hire me? I've been sued.
I could have a member of my own firm to represent me but I think it makes sense to hire outside counsel.
- I assume you checked me out? You seem smart, and since you're a solo practitioner I figure you must be a decent litigator.
- Lf you don't want to do it - I want it.
- Well, good.
Excellent.
Great.
- Great.
Okay, then.
Ally, is there something you'd like to talk about? What? No, no, why? What would I have to talk about? - The case? - Oh.
Oh.
That's I forgot.
Oh, that's funny.
Yeah.
While having dinner with the father and son I passed a puritanical witch I knew in law school.
She was with her friends, wearing their Gucci chastity belts and I said something about her slipping me spermicide.
She says it impugned her.
She filed suit.
She amended the complaint after I said something in passing about a pinching diaphragm within the earshot of a nun.
And now I sit before you, garnished.
So, do you have any thoughts? Are you wealthy? That's not an appropriate question.
To garnish a defendant's wages, you have to show that she has no obvious means of settling a judgment should one be rendered against her.
If you're wealthy, we could dissolve the garnishment with little argument.
That was my reason for asking.
I didn't mean to be inappropriate.
I make my rent and I can buy nice outfits.
But it's not like I'm wealthy.
Okay.
Single.
- Ever been married? - No.
- How is that relevant? - It isn't.
I was just curious.
I'm not wealthy.
I need my paycheck.
- How do we lift the garnishment? - Let's go right into court.
Challenge libel law.
I think it's gender-biased.
We'll show the witch that we're not gonna fool around.
Did she slip you spermicide? - No.
I was being caustic.
- I'll mark up the motion for 3:00.
- Can you meet me there? - I can.
Good.
Good.
- Complaint? - No, everything sounds great.
- The complaint.
Did you bring it? - Oh, yeah, I did.
I'll see you in court.
- Anything else I need to know? - The son will probably live longer.
John? - Yes? - What are you doing? I'm either playing Ping-Pong or hanging upside down.
Want to guess, or use up one of your lifelines? - May I speak to you? - Certainly.
Could I do it upright? Does this involve your girlfriend's genitalia? Yes, actually.
How'd you know? There could only be so many things on your mind, Mark.
All right.
I need an honest, open-minded, grounded opinion.
- Dump it.
- Dump it? He, she, whatever.
Dump it.
I know I can never have sex with her.
Can you imagine? I would certainly prefer not to.
Look, Mark, platonic love affairs have been known to exist.
There are perhaps countless reasons to pursue this woman.
And only one not to.
But, as flaws go she has a penis! Nelle was right.
You draw a negative conclusion about a man who? I wish I could say I'm tolerant enough to support this, but I can't say it.
I know what you're doing.
- What am I doing? - Trying to schedule a lot of motions.
Send a message that this will cost me bigtime to prosecute this case.
I am in it for the long haul.
If you want to know why She impugned you? Off the record, I'm smitten.
What are you, snide? I'd expect her to go out and hire a snide lawyer.
- That is just like her.
- Kim? All rise.
Never mind rise.
You can all sit.
On what basis do you move to dismiss a claim on the very day it's filed? The claim is predicated on common law principles which consider an attack on a woman's chastity to be libel.
This law is archaic and gender-biased.
Why is it illegal to call a woman unchaste, but not a man? - It implied that she's promiscuous.
- Most girls would say thanks for the compliment.
Promiscuous isn't derogatory in today's society.
- It is to my client.
- Lf Ms.
McBeal's words offended Ms.
Bishop, the test for liability is whether they would cause her to be held in disrepute by others.
- Exactly.
And the others at the table were all members of the Massachusetts Women of Virtue Bar Chapter.
Ms.
McBeal accused her of passing spermicide and of performing a vile, disgusting oral sexual act on her boyfriend under the table.
One second, Your Honor.
- Did we forget to tell me something? - Whatever.
These laws were passed in a day not only where Congress and the public considered premarital sex shameful but where oral sex was actually a criminal offense in most states.
- These are more enlightened times.
- Your client made the remarks to a group where she knew it would cause embarrassment.
Your motion to dismiss denied.
I don't like being surprised in court.
If I'm to continue representing you, you will fill me in on all the incidental tidbits.
It's when he got strict with me I knew I liked him.
I hope this doesn't mean deep down I want to be spanked.
- Satisfied? - Kimmie, this is for you.
- What's this? - A notice of your deposition.
We're going to have a little conversation with a court reporter writing everything down.
Ally? I owe you an apology.
I shouldn't have imposed my bigotry.
You're hardly the only one.
I had a bad experience once as a teenager.
I asked this beautiful boy, who I thought was a girl, out on a date.
When he accepted, I, of course, became suspicious.
I checked around.
The mistake was caught.
But to this day, if a woman is beautiful and wants to date me I immediately ask myself: "Has she got one?" John I'm heading somewhere with this.
Please be patient.
Several years ago, I dated a lovely woman with a moustache.
It was dyed, hard to see, but when I kissed her I felt the bristle.
It was there.
I developed that twitch.
Just thinking of the bristle brings it back.
This is where you were headed? We went to see this therapist who specializes in couples facing unique challenges be it the disparity of backgrounds, religion, lip bristle.
His expertise is not only getting the individuals to accept each other but gaining acceptance for them as a couple from society.
I think it would behoove you to see him if for no other reason than to see whether your hurdles are surmountable.
To no one there And no one heard at all Not even the chair The thrill's gone.
He's singing Neil Diamond, and it's doing nothing.
I'm not even fantasizing over his son.
And no one heard at all Not even the chair - Did you break up with him? - No, but I'm getting the "ick" on him.
Did he sing "You Don't Bring Me Flowers"? No.
I think he's saving it.
- What'd you tell him? - I need more space on this lawsuit.
I could get nailed.
The group I made those remarks to are so virtuous that with libel, they don't have to show damages.
Why'd you hire Larry Paul to defend you? I thought it made sense to get outside counsel.
I'm outside counsel.
Oh.
But you and I are roommates.
We have a personal relationship.
I see.
- Anything personal with Larry Paul? - What? No.
Him? Right.
He's just He's just He's just, you know so yummy.
Did you check up on him to see if he's even capable of defending you? You should have seen how smart he was in court.
This guy is a litigator.
Well, I checked up on him just the same.
He's married.
He is? Yeah.
Well, he's just my lawyer, Renee.
There's nothing between us.
- Okay.
- It doesn't mean he can't defend me.
I have a lot of guys coming at me now, of all ages.
Related, even.
I have a really big day tomorrow.
We're gonna depose Kimmie and then I might get deposed, so I should go kill myself.
Prepare myself.
Ally, what brings you here? What brings me here? The deposition.
Remember? I scheduled it for your place since my conference room is missing.
I don't know how you plan to practice law without a conference room.
- Something's the matter.
Have a seat.
- I'm not gonna sit.
I bet you just love that, getting all the girls to come in and sit.
If it's not about the case, I don't sit.
All right.
I've been meaning to ask you something for a while now and it seems this would be a good time.
Ally, are you nuts? What's wrong? I'm erratic, okay? It's my right.
I've got a lawsuit my homeowner's policy doesn't cover.
And I've been told I'm gonna lose.
Two guys are chasing me.
Both I sort of like.
But it would be rude to juggle them since one comes from the other's seed.
- Then there's - There's what? Nothing.
That's it.
I'll handle the suit.
As for the father and son, it's not that big a deal.
Women date men to be with the brother.
Also guys with girlfriends who end up with the sisters.
It happens.
It's more unusual with a father and son, but so what? - Date them both.
The world won't end.
- Certainly not yours.
- What am I missing here? - Nothing.
You've got it all.
The thing is, we're all different.
Some dissimilarities are latent.
Some are obvious.
The physical ones, well They're easy.
Those gaps are bridged simply by acceptance.
It's the mental or emotional disparities that prove to be much more malignant especially when these disparities are internalized.
You're all fragile creatures with feelings.
And as a couple, those fragilities compound.
Taxi! Cindy! That was humiliating.
- I'm not a freak! - I'm not saying you are.
Then what was that? A blob, a midget, a two-headed man? And a woman with a penis.
I'm not a freak.
And if that's how you think of me, Mark then let's just forget this.
Kim Bishop is here with her lawyer and the steno.
- Who's he? - My lawyer, Larry Paul.
- My assistant, Elaine Vassal.
- It's nice to meet you.
Before we go in, very important: You cannot antagonize her.
I'll make it go away, but you have to behave.
I'd like you to be quiet.
Okay.
- Who's that? I don't know.
Some guy who has yet to drool over me.
Ling, do you think every man wants you? Yes.
Let's get right on the record, shall we? Shall we waive objections until trial, except as to the form of the question? - Fine.
- Okay.
Kimmie, I'll ask you questions as I'm sure your lawyer has explained.
If you don't understand the question let me know, and I'll try to be more clear.
Okay, I think the statements made by Ms.
McBeal are on record, as is your umbrage.
And my question to you is: Why are you so upset? - How could you ask? - Before you answer, let me ask: Do people truly, truly think of you as a chaste person? - They most certainly do.
- I mean the people who know you.
The people who know me know I'm chaste.
Couldn't Ally have been mistaken? About me passing her spermicide? About me munching her boyfriend? If these things happened, couldn't she mistakenly think it was you? Oh, please.
She knows I could never do those things.
The people in the Virtue Club could have made the mistake Ally made Those people especially know me.
They couldn't confuse you for a spermicide vendor? Not in a million years.
- They didn't believe her? - No.
- Kim - You're sure? Absolutely! Okay, Kimmie, we're done.
That didn't hurt too much, did it? What did I say? Chains My baby's got me Locked up in chains And they ain't the kind That you can see He was so smooth.
She admitted things before she had time to realize what she was saying.
Is the case over? No, those women might've believed me so we have a settlement tomorrow and hopefully we'll get rid of it.
You'll be lucky.
A woman's chastity is liable per se.
You'd have to Show damages, I know.
- How's your dad? - He's better.
He said he had the whole room singing last night, and you just sat there.
Well, Jonathan, it's a little conspicuous.
What's wrong? Oh, it's just my lawyer with somebody from my firm.
- Small world, I guess.
- Itsy-bitsy.
- Could you excuse me for one second? - Sure.
Hi, Ally.
You know Larry.
Yes, I do.
Larry, do you mind if I talk to you about our conference? - You know Nelle? - I met her in your office today.
She invited me for a drink.
She seems nice.
Good hair.
D- d I D-d Think You're married, Larry.
Don't you think that's a little inappropriate? - No.
- No? I'm divorced.
Oh.
Good, I mean, no.
I mean Never mind, I guess.
Hate to interrupt, Ally, but your date looks a little insecure over there.
Elaine's putting out the pheromones.
Thank you, Nelle.
- See you tomorrow.
- I'll be there.
And they ain't the kind That you can see - Everything okay? - Fine.
It's really all for the best.
I have nothing against transgender people, I really don't.
But no one should ever touch one, much less You know.
Why can't you just be friends? Maybe that's the way it'll have to be.
It's just she's the first woman I've been able to talk to in Let me tell you something about women.
Don't talk to them.
They'll talk back.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Fish-ism.
Cindy, she is obscene.
Hi.
She'll never be the mother Cindy, hi, hey, hi.
We were just talking about you.
Yeah.
I heard you, Richard.
I was representing the homophobic point of view.
I know it's out there.
- Can I have a moment with Mark? - Absolutely.
I was on my way.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Do you think of me as a freak? I think of you as aberrant.
The other night, you told me that you saw me as a woman.
One you wanted to continue seeing.
I could never be sexual with you.
I think you're a great person.
But maybe I'm influenced by the way others see us.
Then let's just be adult about this and admit that it's not gonna work.
Goodbye, Mark.
Bye.
- Richard, for all your support.
- Oh.
- Ally.
- Nelle.
- Is Larry here yet? - No.
We're still waiting for him.
You two stay out late last night? I didn't check my watch.
I rarely do when I'm having fun.
So, you two hit it off? Well - You're late! - Sorry.
- Hey, Nelle.
- Larry.
Let's go.
The fact that Ms.
Bishop thinks those women would fail to attach credibility to the remarks tendered that is not dispositive.
If they did believe those statements or if they made room for the comments to have a basis in truth the action is still colorable.
Kimmie, I checked.
You are very respected within your peer group.
Personally, I admire virgins.
Privately, I collect them.
I'm sure you do.
Snide.
Here's my point.
You called Ally the poster child for prudeness.
That can be considered as an insult You said, "My point is this.
" You're not getting to it.
The women probably considered it nothing more than a catty fight.
I'm sure they didn't think what she said was true but when you sue over it, when you go to trial they might think, "Maybe there is something to it.
" You don't want to do that.
You're angry.
I think what you're really looking for is an apology.
And you deserve one.
Ally insulted a woman who she probably deep down wishes she could be.
Let her apologize.
And let us all move on.
Forgiveness is a virtue too, you know, even more divine than chastity.
If she apologizes.
Ally.
I'm sorry, Kimmie.
I was wrong.
I hope you accept my apology.
- Okay, with attorney fees.
- Lf you think That would be acceptable.
I think we have a deal.
Yes.
Bravo.
How dare you make me apologize to that vile, rabid yak.
Talk about groveling! I wanted to make the lawsuit go away, which it did.
It wasn't worth - Yes, it was.
- To have to suck up to her? This was a stupid case.
- Any half-assed lawyer - That would be me.
would've declared it "Nelle" and void with one motion.
Null and void.
Nelle's your colleague.
Who you're dating.
It's inappropriate.
I suppose you're seeing her tonight? No, I'll be with her mother.
This case is over.
You can go now.
I don't want to go.
Ditch the father-and-son act.
I declare Nelle void, we'll get dinner.
Done.
It happened that fast.
It wasn't hard ending things with the boys.
I didn't want to be Michael's daughter or have Jonathan calling me "mom.
" They were both relieved, actually though Michael went right to the piano and sang "September Morn.
" And me I finally felt that wonderful feeling of terror.
You know, that feeling you get when you're up there without a net? Every minute, every hour I'm going to shower you With love and affection Look out, baby I'm coming in your direction I'm gonna make you love me Yes, I will I can't believe he chose her over you.
He's just more comfortable in his own league.
He can do better than that.
But she went out with him.
I don't appreciate you bringing that candy-ass in this bar.
It's bad enough Ally hires him.
You bringing him into this establishment Lawyer likes to mark his own turf.
- I've marked all over this room.
- I'll keep that in mind.
Will you stop? I'm not kissing you tonight.
I have a canker.
It isn't about that.
Trust me.
Look at them.
I think they like each other.
Baby, baby, baby, baby Yes, I will Why did you encourage me to date the father and son if you were interested? Lt'd be unethical for a therapist to hit on his patient.
- And a lawyer hitting on his client? - I can only be so ethical.
- Larry? - Hm.
- Shut up.
- Done.
Ally: The thing about walking alone is it allows you to reflect on the day.
And I couldn't wait to reflect on this one.
But I guess that'll have to wait.
You stinker!