Archer s04e04 Episode Script

Schenectady?! You're in Schenectady?! After all your naggy lectures about how I need to stop micro-managing ISIS?! You do! And this is macro-managing! C'mon, some things I gotta do myself! Mr.
Archer's on line two.
I'm on the phone! Yeah, duh, line two.
Wh-? - Mother?! Sterling -- Don't talk, just listen! My cover's blown and I need an extraction! Oh my -- wait, extraction from where? Montreal, long story, but my money and passport were confiscated, so -- So where in Montreal exactly? Uh Like, the GPS coordinates, or -- Bienvenue au Casino de Montreal.
Confiscated by whom? A croupier? - No! - Or a herd of Quebecker whores?! - I wouldn't say herd - Well, after you get some free penicillin, compliments of the Socialist Republic of Canada -- Wait, really? -- you can extract yourself, mister! - Mother I don't have a passpor -- -- I mean don't get me wrong, I respect that, but comparing ISIS to six Cadillac dealerships is like comparing apples to six Cadillac -- - Ron! - What?! Sterling is stranded at the Montreal Casino with his pockets turned out and -- and this is just speculation -- some new drug-resistant form of V.
D.
- Reeally - And you're in Schenectady.
Again! I'll be home tonight! Oh, I know! Because what's tonight?! Uh, Tuesday? Night? Box seats! For the opening of "Carmen" at the Met! Babe, c'mon, I promise, I'll be there! Well if you're not, you can just not bother coming home at all! I -- Trouble on the old hooomfront? Oh for the -- eavesdrop much?! Scream into a speakerphone much? - Pam? - What?! You want us to wear earplugs every time you're on the damn pho -- Ooh, or helmets! It is just idiots, all the way down.
And his money, I get it, that's all craps and whores, but his passport? How the hell did he lose his passport? Bekuz, shuddup, bekuz I dunneebit Bekuz I dunnever go homerika, bekuz, shuddup, bekuz je -- hic! Je tam! - Tabernac - It's my third biggest fear.
He brings home a whore and says "We're married!" Oh, and the whore has bangs.
Ugh, thank God I don't have to worry about anything like that with Ron.
"Hi, I'm Ron Cadillac, aka Mr.
Boring.
" - Jesus God, what am I doing with - Ron Cadillac! They don't make the rules! You do! Well obviously they do make the rules, that's why it's come to this.
Which is why Ron Cadillac is opting out! And also why Ron Cadillac is gonna swing by Montreal on his way home.
Because Ron Cadillac is frickin epic.
What.
Yes, I'll accept the charges.
What.
Carol, hey, shut up, I need you to go down to Western Union and wire me a thousand dollars.
Wow.
Yeah.
No.
Yes! No! Oh for -- then just lemme talk to Pam! Absolutely not.
Huh? Because pick any one of an infinite number of reasons! - Yeah, okay, hang on - Mmmmyeah, no, I would, but I can't really leave the lab at the moment But I can transfer you No, I seriously thought you were joking.
- Yeah, hang on Okay.
Okay! Lemme talk to Lana! Tabernac! You know there is a line?! There's gonna be a line at your wake! So shut your poutine hole, and lemme -- Lana?! Lana listen, I -- Noop.
-- need you to -- Noop.
Stop saying noop! Noop, Archer.
Noop.
And it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up but -- Why do you casser le telephone?! Because I'm out of people to call! Even Woodhouse wouldn't help me What do you mean, no?! I basically own you! And I basically own him.
Jesus, this is actually almost depressing.
Need a ride, champ? Although not as depressing as Ron what the hell are you doing here?! Giving you a ride home.
C'mon, hop in! Did Mother send you? Uh, not exactly, I uh, just thought it'd give us a chance to uh, bond.
Yeah, don't take this the wrong way, Ron, but I'd rather bond with a C.
H.
U.
D.
Il est la! Il est la! But C.
H.
U.
D.
's live in New York so let's go! What the hell is a chud?! They were people, but then they got splashed with toxic waste.
- Aw, that's a load of crap - It's a movie! But those baby alligators people flush down there, now that's -- Ron! C'mon, seriously, at some point I'm gonna have to take a shit, so -- So why didn't you go before we left? Not now! In the future! And I won't be able to if I'm thinking about giant alligators rampaging up into my toilet! - Talk about tearing you a new one - For the love of Christ, man! Stop! I meant, stop talking, about assripping sewer-gators.
Yeah, I know.
So?! He asked, incredulously! You said you didn't have a passport.
So?! He asked, equally incredulously! So that.
Oh.
So? And that's not sarcastic incredulity, I honestly wanna hear your thoughts on getting me across.
Why not?! Because what if they check the trunk?! Why would they? Because that's exactly their job! Yeah, on the Mexican border! Who the hell's gonna sneak in from Canada?! Arctic wolves? And even if you had a passport, what if they checked you for a gun? I -- You do have a gun, don't you? Yeah, I -- Yeah, I, so uh, maybe keep it handy.
What? Wait, why would I -- Ron? Ron.
Ron.
Roooooooooooooooooooon! What?! Oh.
Never mind, I got it.
Ron! Let me outta the goddamn trunk! We passed the border an hour ago! Actually more like three hours.
I -- well apparently I took a nap! Probably all this carbon dioxide.
It's actually monoxide-- Whichever! Of carbon's many oxides! Just lemme out! I gotta bitch of a headache and a bladder full of bourbon! Just hang on! They always hit me between Schenectady and Albany.
Who hits you?! Uh Those guys.
What the shit! Ron! Yeah, so listen! Remember when I said maybe keep your gun handy?! Yeah, vaguely! Well the thing is -- What's the thing, Ron?! Oh.
Never mind! Goddammit Ron, keep it straight! Ha ha! Wooooooo! Did you whoa whoa whoa Ron, compensate! I am compensating! No no no no no, look out, you're -- Overcompensating.
Is what I was gonna say.
Right before I was thrown clear of the vehicle, almost exactly one hundred linear feet.
Gimme a break, huh, that wasn't my fault! Yeah no, I mean obviously this was all due to the butterfly effect.
- The what -- - Butterfly effect, ya know, a butterfly in Africa lands on a giraffe's nose, the giraffe sneezes, that spooks a gazelle, the gazelle bonks into a rhinoceros, and the rhinoceros blindly stampedes into a phone booth, calls New York somehow and says "Hey go kill this idiot Ron for a suitcase!" Because the rhinoceros speaks English! What's in the suitcase, Ron? Why is that in the suitcase, Ron?! What, I should use a plastic bag? Or this new thing called the bank?! Well, it's not exactly Clean, money.
No, shit.
No, I'm serious Name one, just one single favor, that Archer ever did for any of you.
Oh! Oh my God, chlamydia.
Which put me over my deductible, so the rest of that year all my doctor visits were totally free, score! - Wow.
- Right? How much did you go to the damn doctor? I dunno, like, a lot I kept getting chlamydia.
Oww! Get! Off! Chlamydiot! Oh, I get it because of the chlamydia.
Oh, and I'm an idiot.
Because of course you keep getting robbed! Why're you driving around with a suitcase full of dirty money? - It's kind of a long story - Well we've got all day! Nobody's gonna pick us up, we look like The Ballad of the Flim-Flam Man.
The what? Guy Owen? Jesus, Ron, read a book.
Maybe between biannual suitcase robberies.
I don't know who keeps tipping 'em off.
And anyway, you mean semiannual.
They're the same thing! No, biannual means every two years -- That's biennial! Bi-, or semi-annual, means every six months! Oh.
Then yeah, biannually.
Or semi.
- Speaking of - Manhattan, yes, thank you, and you're sure you can get us there by seven? Oh yeah.
Just hop in the back there.
What like, the back back? Yeah, sorry, you'all can't ride in the cab.
Insurance bullshit, compliments of them democratic queers in congress.
Or whomever.
Okay, things are looking up! No no, hey, c'mon, don't do that! You're gonna get him in trouble! Ron, nobody's gonna miss one beer.
Or the eleven more I'm gonna drink.
C'mon, he's an independent trucker A small business owner, out here busting his hump to provide for his family I'm tellin ya, guys like him are the lifeblood of America.
Not to mention he's driving us non-stop straight to Manhattan.
Exactly, which should take about three hours.
Which equals twelve beers.
Ugh, okay, here's your fur coat, from the world's farthest-away cold storage.
Wh-? Did they tell you to put it in a headlock?! No.
Well?! I don't know! They were like, Persian! You lost me.
Cadillac's not my real last name.
I -- well yeah, I figured the odds on that were pretty huge.
I changed it.
From Kazinsky.
And before I sold cars I stole 'em.
You what?! I mean, this was years and years ago Me, Tony, Donny, Joey and Fat Mike.
That was my crew.
And kiddo, we'd boost anything on wheels.
Or one time, ya know, not even on wheels.
That was forty-five, though, that didn't hurt the war effort.
Anyhoo One day it dawns on me, we're doin' all this work, but the guys makin' the real money own the chop shops So we revised our business model.
For a few years, lemme tell ya kid, we were going gangbusters.
Until one day, I'm out gettin meatball subs for the crew, and boom.
The cops got all of 'em.
Aw, Fat Mike too? All of 'em.
And they all got twenty years, because not one of 'em, not one of 'em gave me up.
Anyway, I used our stash to buy a legit used car lot, and then my first dealership, and eventually-- Six, yeah, got it.
- So the money is - The least I can do.
It's like back pay, for all the years they lost.
Plus most of it's from charging poor saps for that frickin' undercoating.
Never.
Get the undercoating.
But I still don't know who keeps hiring goons to stick me up.
Yes, you do.
What're you talking about? Ron, who hasn't been complaining about not getting his money? Son of a Fat Mike! Wait'll the crew hears this! He'll be eatin his meatball subs through a straw.
Wow, and here Mother thinks you are hands down the most boringest man on this entire planet of Earth.
Wh-? She said that?! - I mean - He is hands down the most boringest man on this entire planet of Earth.
Not in those exact words, but-- She thinks I'm boring?! Well not after you tell her you stole a Sherman tank, Master P! No no no, you can never tell her about that! I'm serious, about any of it! I -- None of it! Do you hear me?! - Okay! - That's all behind me! I'm -- almost completely legit now! You gotta promise me you're not going to tell her! Okay! I promise! Not that I'll ever get the chance Hey guys, if that's, ya know how you selfidentify.
Wow.
Okay, so Apparently we have stumbled into what I'm just gonna assume is -- -- some kind of unspeakably rapey snuff film -- yep, look at that, there's even a craft services table - But my uh - Stepdad.
Mother's husband, has to be back in time for the opera, I know, rich people problems, so even though all you guys have bats and pipes and -- wow, Shorty over there's got a club with lumps on it, kickin it Bedrock style -- does anybody have a gun.
Anybody? Gun? Probably looks a little something like this? No? Okay, so I guess just me then.
Now, for various reasons which frankly don't concern you, we can't call the police, so we're just gonna go, but -- What?! No no no no no, screw that! Shoot these degenerate pricks! Ron? Starting with C.
W.
McCall-girl over there! - Ron.
- Well at leastkneecap the sonsabitches! - Ron! - What?! What, you outta bullets?! Well, how the hell was I supposed to know?! You saw me shoot the mob guys! - So?! - So it holds a finite number of bullets! It's not a frickin phaser! A what? Oh my God! It's just like Carol said the old gypsy woman said! Yeah, she said it would be like some freaky parallel universe, where John Waters directed "The Road Warrior"! Uh-huh.
Then what, they kill me? No, shut up, that's the awesome part! There it is! Look, Ron! The train! I gotta start going to that gypsy.
- We'll never we can't make it - Yes we can! If dammit, if only there was a way to slow them down! Make it rain? What am I, an Indian? Pacman Jones! Oh.
Huh-uh! No! Yes, Ron! You don't defy the gypsy! What about my crew?! I've been ripped off the last three times! What're they supposed to live on?! What're they gonna live on if you're eaten by tranny bikers?! Ron, look! We'd already be dead if they weren't in disturbingly sexy high heels! Oh, half.
Okay, that's still a baller move.
Master P would totally be proud.
Or he'd release a diss track.
What is it -- half the time I don't even know what the hell you're talking about! Well guess what! Me neither! That son of a -- Come on, we've got a train to catch! Diss tracks.
Jesus Christ, why'd we even fight a war? Ron! What, I'm serious! So's this train, asshole! Oh, I'm the asshole?! It's -- just get a running start! I'm not jumping on that damn thing! Really?! How bout now?! Son of a! Come on! Run like you're younger! Okay, now gimme your hand! I can't! Yes you can! Rrrrrrngh! C'mon grab it, grab it! - Well now hang on a second - What're you doing?! Thinking about how much I hate it that Mother married you! You don't hate it she married me -- No, yeah, I -- you hate it she married anybody! Cause you want her all to yourself! - What?! - Paging Doctor Bates! Doctor Norman Bates -- Hey shut up! And also eww! And -- Sterling, please! Oh my God.
Thank you, Sterling.
You're welcome, shut up.
- Norman Bates.
Ya know - I apologize, that was out of line.
But come on, you gotta admit the relationship you two have is unhealthy.
No, Ron, I don't have to admit that, because -- Okay, try not to ruin it this time.
Waaaaaaaooof! - Jesus - Yeah, you see how their legs broke? That's because they didn't use the parachute fall.
Which I don't have time to teach you properly, but -- Why would you want to? I -- because I take pride in my work? Why would you teach it to me it at all?! Oh.
We gotta jump off the train.
RON Wh-?! We just jumped on the train! Yeah, and it's going about twenty miles an hour, and there goes a sign for Catskill, so -- So it'll take six hours to get home.
If we don't get rousted by the bulls.
I also don't have time to teach you how to speak hobo.
But wait a minute, hang on, why would you want me to make the opera? I dunno, maybe you were right about a few things, and maybe you're good for Mother, and maybe shut up before I lose my temper again.
- I got a dealership in Catskill - So we grab a Caddy and drive in style.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we could just make it But it's going too fast to jump off! Look at those poles zipping by! No, no, no, don't look at the poles! They give you a false perspective! Try and focus on a distant landmark, like -- The ground.
Woooooooo! Hey! See how I did that? Ron? Seven-thirty! We just might make it! You sure he'll be out there? He better be.
- Yeah, there he is - Here you go, sir.
I took the liberty of taking in the jacket a bit, and -- - Woodhouse.
- Yessir? Doesn't even come close to making up for leaving me stranded in Montreal.
No sir.
So go get ready.
Your punishment will begin when I get back from dropping him off at the opera.
Wait, you think that's a good idea? Ron? Look, I know we accidentally bonded a little, but do not tell me how to discipline my servant! I meant dropping me off.
- If your mother thinks we're all buddy-buddy - Yeah, that would drive her insane Sometimes I think I should just run away.
But who would take me in? No one, Woodhouse no one.
And just what in the hell is this? Just dropping off my buddy Ron! Buddy?! Why, how, and since when?! Long story babe, and look, we really gotta hustle if we wanna make that curtain! Yeah, and I gotta go make an old man eat a big bowl of spiderwebs.
See ya buddy! Duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh Duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh Woodhouse, I'm gonna check that bowl! Good day.