Bewitched (1964) s04e04 Episode Script

What are you doing? I'm waiting to see the queen.
And who gave you permission to wait up here? It's much too noisy down there.
I have to have it quiet when I'm practicing.
Want to hear the witch's anthem I've been working on? - No.
- I'll be glad to.
What do you think of it so far? That happens to be a direct steal from the Air Corps song.
Really? And where do you think they got it? Sam.
Something's up.
And I think it's Darrin.
What is that hippie doing upstairs? For your information that is the proper dress of a 17th-century minstrel.
- Get rid of this mob.
- But we're not finished.
Are you planning to work on the church bazaar tomorrow? - Of course.
- Then you're gonna need sleep.
Tell them to come back some other time.
You gonna tell them to clear out, or am I? You better let me do it.
There's been grumbling about you interfering with the queen's business.
- It might turn into a roar.
- Yeah? Well, vice versa.
I'm terribly sorry but I'm afraid I'm going to have to dissolve our session for this evening.
Why? I will see you all at the earliest possible convenience.
At least your being queen has some benefit.
Honey.
Honey? Who does he think he is? I must say.
It isn't Samantha, it's Dumbo.
Her husband.
If we could only get rid of him.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I've just had a perfectly marvellous evil idea.
- And, and - Tell us.
Tell us.
- Come on.
Come on.
- What is it? I've got something marvellous to tell you.
Honey.
You're not sore about last night, are you? Well, I am the queen and I do have a responsibility to my subjects.
- Well, sure, but - And we did have an agreement.
I think agreements should be honoured.
You are sore.
- Will it help if I say I'm sorry? - I am not sore, and yes, it'll help.
I'm sorry.
- Are you sure you have to go? - Of course.
The bazaar opens tomorrow and there's loads of work to be done at the church.
I'm gonna be awful bored around here with nothing to do.
Fix the railing on the gazebo.
That'll keep you busy.
What, on my day off? Serena? Serena? - Has dear cousin Samantha gone? - She's just left.
- Now it's time to get to work.
- Oh, this is going to be a ball.
I'll bet it'll be more fun than the time I joined the Navy.
Serena, we are not here to have fun.
You're here to do a job.
Remember that.
Yes, but I always manage to combine business with pleasure.
Shall we go? Just a few small details.
That's just perfect.
That's funny.
Mrs.
Stephens drove away in her car and came back without it.
So what? If you ask me, there's something mighty peculiar going on around here.
You're right, so why don't you stop going around? Hi, honey.
What happened? There were so many volunteers at the church we were getting in each other's way.
They asked me to come back tomorrow instead.
Sorry you weren't needed, but, boy, am I glad to have you back.
Come here and give us a kiss.
If you want a kiss, come and get it.
Okay.
Now, listen, S What's the big idea? Have you flipped? What's gotten into you? Nothing.
I just didn't feel like being pawed.
Well, the next time you feel that way, a simple "leave me alone" will do.
You're still sore, aren't you? Well, why shouldn't I be? You humiliated me in front of my subjects.
I apologize.
Big deal.
I'll get it.
Sorry.
I wonder if I could borrow a cu Did you lose something? Not yet, but I'm about to.
- Sugar? - Yeah.
Oh, Mrs.
Stephens, I just wondered, what happened to your car? Well, I have a question for you too.
What happened to your shoes? One cup of sugar, coming up.
Did you see that? See what? - How am I doing? - Oh, splendidly.
Just splendidly.
But don't go overboard.
Samantha's going to be away all day.
We have plenty of time, Serena.
Righto.
Well, I happened to be looking out my window when she drove away.
- And I happened to be looking out - Here you are, Mrs.
Kravitz.
You're not going to leave without your shoes? Oh, did you see the look on her face? Was that a riot? If you think that was a riot, listen to this.
Just a minute.
Sam, what is this? What happened? What about the basis for our marriage? No witchcraft under any circumstances.
I never should've let you become queen.
But that's just the point.
I am the queen.
And it's made me realize how tired I am of this whole mortal charade.
Tired of toeing the line.
Your line.
Tired of jumping every time you bark.
I can't believe my ears.
That's because you hear only what you want to hear.
See only what you want to see, like all other human beings.
Now, if you had any vision you would realize that you've taken a wild, free spirit a spirit that was born to ride the wings of the wind and penned me up in this dreary, four-walled cage.
And furthermore, y Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What do you think you're doing? - What's wrong? - Didn't I tell you not to overdo it? - Was I? - Were you? Serena, if we'd wanted Sarah Bernhardt, we'd have sent for her.
Now, you take it easy.
- Furthermore what? - I refuse to discuss it any further until you have cooled off.
Until I cool off? Oh, hi, Mrs.
Kravitz.
This is fun, isn't it? Somebody's idea of fun is not necessarily somebody else's idea of fun.
I beg your pardon? It's a little late for that now.
Right in here, Larry.
Sit down, Larry.
What I wanna talk to you about is You've been married a lot longer than I have.
That is an unimpeachable fact, and I have the grey hairs to prove it.
Having a little problem with Samantha? How did you know? Intuition.
Something wrong? Well, for one thing, she's not as affectionate as usual.
- How long have you been married? - Almost four years.
Darrin let me explain something.
Women begin marriage in an atmosphere of compliance and willingness.
They cater to a man, make concessions to him, et cetera.
But slowly the bloom fades, and their patience begins to wear thin.
- So? - So you've had four good years.
What more do you want? - Is that all I get? - Right.
Now you move into the stage where she thinks she's a queen.
Boy, have you hit the nail on the head.
But that's par for the course.
Darrin, you don't have any problem, believe me.
Larry will you do me a favour? Will you talk to her? See if you can find out what's bothering her.
All right.
But I really don't think you have a problem.
Thanks, Larry.
- Samantha! - What is it? Would you come here for a minute, honey? Look who's here.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hi.
You keep Larry company while I Yes.
You're looking lovely, as usual.
How? How are you, Sam? Fine.
Is everything going okay? Everything's going perfectly.
Have I ever told you that I'm just wild about grey hair? As a matter of fact I mean, you are? I earned every one of them myself, you know.
I'm simply crazy about your sense of humour.
Well, it's Tell me, is everything okay between you and Darrin? - Who? Your husband.
Are your eyes hazel or grey, Harry? It's Larry, and lay off him.
Why? He's cute.
He's not your assignment, Serena.
Oh, Endora.
I never have any fun.
What were you saying? My eyes.
They're baby blue.
- They certainly are.
- Yes.
And I think I'd better get going.
Nice to see you, Sam.
No, no, you just stay where you are, and l I know my way out.
Larry, did you talk to her? Well, not much.
I mean, we talked a little.
- Did you get anything out of her? - Yes.
But she didn't tell me anything.
Well, what did she say? Darrin, I think you've got a little problem on your hands.
- Sam.
- Yes? I'm nice and cool now.
Let's have that little talk.
About what? This This thing that's come over you.
Could you be under a spell by any chance? Maybe your mother, you know That's what you'd like to believe, isn't it? Anything but face the truth.
Okay, Sam.
What is the truth? That I'm tired of all your silly little mortal games.
That I am a witch and a queen.
And from now on, I'm gonna act like it.
- What are you doing? - What does it look like? I'm convening the royal court.
Sam.
Sam, you can't do this in broad daylight.
We agreed.
Mortal agreements are not binding under witch's law.
These are my people, and I am their queen.
Well, this is my house, and I am the king.
Well, it's been nice knowing you too.
I hope he's gone for good.
Stop the music.
Stop the music.
Why are you celebrating? He didn't take his clothes.
We still have work to do.
Endora, really.
And don't worry.
I'll replace the cup of sugar, even though you made me spill it.
- What? - As a matter of fact it'll be waiting for you when you get home because I certainly don't want to be under any obligation to you.
Sam! Come here.
- Oh, are you back? - You bet I am.
Serena, it's getting late.
It's time to play our trump card.
All right.
Here I go.
And we're gonna sit right down and talk this What are you doing in that outfit? - I'm going out to do some shopping.
- You are not.
Why not? People will stare.
You'll attract attention.
So what? Other men don't think I'm so bad to look at.
- But - You just better get used to it.
Because I am through with this dull life.
- Dull? - Yes.
Dull, dull.
I'm sick of simmering like a watched pot.
I wanna get out and boil.
Sam, listen, you can't do this.
You're a wife and mother.
You want me to dress like a typical mortal housewife and mother? Okay.
Now can I go shopping? No, would you - I'll get it.
- Don't you dare.
You, get.
Go on.
Before somebody sees you looking like that.
Hi, Mr.
Stephens.
Gladys called from the bazaar and asked me to bring this over.
- You didn't have to do that.
- That's what you think.
For some crazy reason, Gladys told Mrs.
Stephens this would be waiting for her when she got home from the bazaar.
When Mrs.
Stephens got home from the bazaar? Look, take my advice, stay out of it.
Personally, I think the world of your wife.
Nice manners.
A fine lady.
And if you don't mind my saying so, one of the best-looking women I ever Hi.
Mrs.
Stephens isn't feeling too well.
Neither am I.
Excuse me.
He looked like he'd seen a ghost.
A ghost would look better than you do right now.
Excuse me, l I have to talk to Mr.
Kravitz.
- When did you say your wife called? - About five minutes ago.
And she said she wanted you to bring sugar over before my wife got home from the bazaar? You see what I have to put up with? Your wife isn't even at the bazaar.
I wouldn't be too quick to criticize Mrs.
Kravitz.
It's finally beginning to sink in.
You see, she was telling the truth.
How could she be? Your wife is right there in the house.
I just knew that couldn't be my wife.
- Are you feeling all right? - I'm gonna feel fine as soon as I give a certain party a little of her own medicine.
Oh, yeah? It wouldn't hurt to take some yourself.
I'll see you.
You were magnificent, Serena.
Oh, thank you.
I do think we've got him on the run.
Any minute we should hear him slamming out, suitcases in hand.
Serena.
Oh, are you gonna get it.
Samantha? I hope we're not going to have another talk.
I think this is going to be a final Oh, no.
It's Samantha.
- Let's get out of here.
- No.
I planned for this contingency.
We'll simply say that we were testing Dumbo's love.
- That's good.
- Sam! Sam? - Sam, where are you? - Right here.
Will you stop playing games? Well, I'm glad to see you got yourself cleaned up.
Well, it was pretty dirty work.
You can say that again.
Come here.
Let's stop simmering and start boiling.
You all right? What's the idea? What's a friendly little pat between a husband and wife? From now on, I'm locking the liquor cabinet.
- What's in the box? - Your favourite pie.
I've a good mind not to give you any.
- Lemon meringue pie.
- Leave it alone, sweetheart.
This is like an answer to a prayer.
- It'll spoil your appetite.
- No, it won't, but it might spoil yours.
- What's that? - Where? There.
I hope that teaches you a lesson you never forget.
Darrin, I am going to give you three seconds to explain this lunacy and then I'm going to let you have it.
One, two, three.
- Well, how is it? Good as usual? - Delicious.
Now, let's play fair and let me have another one.
Gladly.
Oh, Darrin, please, don't.
Oh, please.
Darrin, I don't What is all this about? As if you didn't know, you Wait a minute.
Does it have anything to do with Mother? But it must have.
Why are you taking it out on me? Mother! Sorry, Endora.
I meant that for Serena.
Who, me? You mean you're really? And she? Oh, Sam.
Sam, you probably thought I'd flipped.
Has she been here all day? Pretending to be me? Samantha, darling, it was all your mother's idea.
Sam, what can I say? There's nothing to say.
Just get some spoons.
How do you like that, Serena? Not bad.
She's right.
It is tasty.