Call Me Fitz (2010) s04e04 Episode Script
Pulling a Polanski
Previously on Call Me Fitz.
Someone stole the fucking baby.
Our future is at stake here.
The key to the fuckin' Fitzpatrick legacy.
We will get our rightful heir and son of a Fitz back.
I'm talking about the dealership.
Who would want to take a kid? Well most kidnappings are perpetrated by somebody known to the victim.
Ahoy hoy gentlemen.
You were always obsessed with that kid.
Give me my son.
Ali Devon? How about we focus on finding the lost baby.
Lost baby? You want to know why everyone abandons you Fitz? Because you deserve it.
Someone on this strip is trying to fuck our dealership.
This means war.
Some guy, he hired me to loan you that cash.
Who motherfucker? Give me back my kid! It's ok honey.
Mommy's here.
Nooooooooooooooo! Welcome.
I'm Pat Childs, CEO of ChilldsScorp, but you may know me better for Fpà od.
The nutrient system that revolutionized third world sanitation issues.
Or equally important -- my work with the environment.
Plasti-bergs⢠- the synthectic iceberg alternative that's saving polar bears from extinction.
Now what do these two things have in common? No, that isn't nothing.
It's an O.
Ohhhhh.
Now some people think the O is a symbol for zero, but to our ancient elders, it meant infinity.
Ahhhhhhh! And infinite possibilities are exactly where the O will bring us.
The O-Mobile won't just transcend the need for the traditional single-engine vehicle - it will bring us into a whole new way of being.
Cars are the past.
The future is O-Mo.
And I find when I'm looking for tomorrow - There's your tomorrow, motherfucker.
Without you I'd find my smile Without you I'd'a won by a mile Without you Oh life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man We found him on the side of a road.
If someone hadn't been smart enough to put some dog tags on the little Tumbleweed, we'd have had no idea who to call.
That was me! Oh hi I will never forgive you for this.
That's what you said when I killed your mother.
Go after her, Richard.
Get stuffed.
Losing that little shit-vendor is the best thing that's happened to me in months.
Adversity is the sister of optimism.
And the harbinger for change.
Hi, you're the plastic iceberg fellow, right? I'm Larry.
Really big fan.
Pat Childs.
You have a very moist energy.
That's great.
Thank you so much.
Greetings.
I don't give a crap who you are.
That little shitter came in here with $7-K.
Where's my fucking money? I just had it laundered, Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
I knew you were mob.
No, literally.
Laundered.
We found it in the poor child's diaper.
I thought it best to give you an extra thousand for his education.
Children are our future.
You know what I admire, Mr.
Fitzpatrick? Your tenacity.
I'd like to invest in that emotion and watch you pay it forward in a big way.
So, bullshit.
That's your angle.
My angle is the apex of a prism turning white light into rainbows.
Do you know what I mean? Follow me.
Low five! ) Ali? Welcome to my inspiration cave.
Nice soundtrack! Oooh, is that one of those new ergonomic standing desks? Our employees' spinal health is our spinal health here at O-Mo.
What the fuck is she doing here? I see you've met my daughter, Paula.
This nice lady clearly needs a car but seems to think she doesn't Dodge Caravan right? Good memory.
Wait, if you're his daughter, why were you buying a car from me? You sent her to fuck me over.
You mistake my intentions.
Paula was researching the buying process.
I don't sell cars.
I sell socialization acceleration mobilitators.
Go teabag someone else, granola.
I am so sorry.
Richard can be a little -- What's the word Oh.
Richard.
Bathroom's occupied, turnip-dick.
Oooh, that is just all kinds of dirty.
You want dirty? I'll show you dirty.
Look at the mildew in that grout.
What the fuck is this? Cash to buy back the dealership.
Childs even threw in an extra grand for my "trouble.
" What a mark.
Pat Childs gave you this money? He returned it, technically.
We're not taking a dime from that ass-cracker.
But it's our dime.
Richard, I know you don't want to talk about.
.
Then don't talk about it, cock-sock! Your father's strange behaviour, but I couldn't help but wonder why he wouldn't take the money, and I think I have an answer.
Dementia? Loneliness.
Yeah, he didn't want you to get the dealership back just you on your own; he wanted to do it together.
Fishing trip! Ya, it's the perfect activity to rebuild your lean mean selling machine and get to the bottom of your father's problems.
The O-Mo.
It's not just your personal mobility device, There's his fucking problem.
Pat Childs.
Drop off your used gas guzzler at any O-Mobile dealership and we'll give you post-car product.
Never drive used again.
I'll drown that fuck in his patchouli juice.
Ok ok ok ok ok ok.
Come on baby, gimme some sugar.
No.
No! Because.
Because he freaks me out, okay? I caught him watching me sleeping once.
It's called joint custody, Saul.
He's your son too.
Fine.
I will take Justin this afternoon, but you have to take him at Christmas, okay? I'm trying for one of those free cruises to Buffalo.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Okay, goodbye.
Come on, come on, come on.
I'm not going to ask you what's wrong because I know what's wrong.
You're an asshole.
YEAH! HA HA HA! Look at you two.
Bonding.
All these years I never realized he was snorkeling dick.
Josh isn't gay.
He just saw my tits.
Believe me.
Gay as a tangerine on a badminton court.
Mommy, there comes a time in every woman's life when she has to accept the fact that all the saline in the world can't fix gravity.
I could bang that piece before he even took a look at your cottage cheese ass.
You want to put cash on that? Fifty.
Thirty-to-one odds.
Sixty.
And I'll give you sixty-to-one odds.
You're on.
Oh we're on.
It's my favorite chore.
You want Richard.
Pat Childs will be no match for Father and Son working together.
What the fuck do you want?! I believe in you, Richard, and your ability to get to the bottom of your father's latent feelings of paternal angst.
This isn't about feelings, pube-knitter.
It's about selling cars.
Relax.
I got this.
So, you shit -- Ken.
Here's what I.
I was thinking -- What do you think about -- You gonna pull the cock out of your mouth anytime soon? Fu - Fu - Gah - Fuck! Retard's rubbing off on you huh? For your information I am rubbing off all over him.
Look, what Richard is trying to say is he'd like to spend more time with you.
Why would I want to do that? Because fuck you! All you've ever done is fuck me! I fucked you?! You love each other! And you're working out of a trailer! Private conversation, Larry.
You don't even have the balls to ask for my help, do you? You're the one who needs my help, liver spots.
You know, every time I look at you, I wish your mother hadn't gotten so bored with anal.
And my work here is done.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um.
Oh.
What? Again.
Getting saucy Nasty.
Uhhhh ya, oooooh my, Huh huh what? Um um deal with it.
Crowd's going wild.
Uh uh boom! Somebody just got defecated.
You mean dominated.
I mean shut up and dance.
Did you even graduate high school? Ha ha ha ya.
High school.
Of course I did -- Hey, Meghan.
Wanna play? Oh, ya I do, I want to play.
Mom, why do you have to come on to ALL my friends? Um, Josh is my friend too.
In fact, he's my friend first.
Yeah.
So in fact, we went to high school together.
So Meghan, did I graduate? Fuck no.
You couldn't concentrate on anything.
Right Joshy, like right now? I'm a woman of deep intelligence.
You go girl.
And even deeper sexual powers.
See, pooh-bear, it's out of my hands.
Round 2, hipster! Yes, uh huh.
Okay, I'm bleeding.
It's about time you got your semen-infested asses in gear to take down Childs.
After what that fucker did.
Do you and Mr.
Childs know each other? Of course not, stillborn.
Remember what I use to always say to you and retard when you were kids? If the shoe looks clean they're probably sticking it somewhere dirty? Exactly.
I'll bet that fucker's sticking acorns up his ass and letting the squirrels go to town.
But why would you -- oh.
Even his name is twisted.
Pat.
Childs.
I'll bet he does.
You thinking what I'm thinking? The Polanski.
A scam so bulletproof even a pint-sized Polack with a dick the size of a French fry couldn't wiggle his way out of it.
All we need is a hotel room -- Some scratch -- A kid -- And Larry.
What's a Polanski? Uh, it's a lake up north, dickweed.
So you are going on the fishing trip? Ya.
We're gonna land a big one.
So, I may have made some huge mistakes in my life- but that doesn't mean we can't make something good.
I mean just look at you, you just came right out of me, didn't ya.
See, I told you? Well I knew you would want to see him.
Who? Your child.
Oh yeah, right.
Can I use it? I mean, can I hang out with him? Use? I miss the little homo's smile.
Okay, what do you want to use him for, Fitz? For collateral? Cover? Hey, he needs to learn the family business if he wants to stay in diapers.
You are unbelievable.
C'mon, it'll take a couple hours.
Tops.
Think of it as bonding time.
Oh the doctor is right, your Mommy has got to take her pills, she does.
And then she needs to get a haircut, and a personal trainer, a job and a restraining order against your daddy.
Hey! Don't you want me to provide for our child? Where are you going? Fuck.
I got a kid.
Who the fuck is that? That's your niece, fucknuts.
What's-her-name, Justine! Like I've been telling you for ten years, Gramps, it's Justin.
Like I've been telling you, men don't wear makeup.
Meghan's kid? You two aren't trying to pull another Polanski, are you? He's a little old, Isn't he? Fourteen is statutory.
And I want my cut.
They grow up so fast.
I'll see you at the motel.
Mommy, I think we both know I've got this Josh thing in the bag.
So why don't you just give me $5-K and we'll call it even.
Justin told me you struck out.
Oh fucking Josh! I don't know what's wrong with him? I'm pretty, right Mommy? Don't you think I'm pretty? Let's ask the Vodka.
Real men think I'm pretty.
Remember that hot boyfriend I had, before I got fired from my first job? You mean the hustler? Ya, I had to hire him to keep you quiet while we ripped off the Indian joint.
Oh yeah.
Remember Raj? We used to play hide the samosa and then he'd give me free water.
I used to call him the Raj Mahal.
And then we got him deported.
Good times.
Ya.
Raj would never care about a stupid chore wheel.
Fucking Josh.
Oh.
Why are we in a motel? I told you, ass-jam.
You're babysitting while we're at the lake.
Pat Childs might stop by later to pick this up.
Ok.
You can use twenty of it to order a pizza but no pay-per-view.
Cheap fucks.
Two generations of Fitzpatrick men together at last.
Hey, don't you think we should make it three? Justin and I would be honored to accompany you.
Larry, think of this as your time to shine.
You get to be a positive influence on young Justin here while me and my old man -- bond.
Oh.
Okay, well that's a good point.
We'll have fun! Make sure you keep Childs in the room for as long as you can when you give him the envelope.
Sure! Why? Because suck my hemorrhoids, that's why.
They think they're going on a fishing trip.
But really they're going on a journey of emotional growth.
Operation Hook, Line and Sinker, initiate! Tick-tock old man, let's go.
Fellows denizens.
Here to hang with my main man, Pat Childs? You're friends with Childs? Pat Childs is friend to all.
He can command our thought-shapes.
You go ahead.
I'll wait here.
What the fuck's wrong with you? The "Fuck" is Pat Childs.
You should be frightened, sir.
Pat Childs is no ordinary alien.
Go.
I'll deal with bonk-nuts.
If you're going to transmit to me like that, Mr.
Childs won't confirm your protein injection.
Get away from me you fucking degenerate! Spare some change for a brother? If it's change you're after, let it be your opinion of our magnanimous alien overlord.
Father? I'm sorry.
Making music with my child, who also happens to be my right hand woman.
It's like we're having a conversation with eternity.
Well, lookie here.
Richard Fitzpatrick! Welcome.
We're taking a short imagination siesta.
Would you care to pull up a laptop? Lay down some breeze? I've got a flute here that's just begging for your lips.
Of course you do.
What can we do you for? Actually I've got a proposition.
A guy I know's got a line on some cheap port-a-potties.
I thought you could use them for your African child fertilizer project.
Wonderful, wonderful.
We only have so that we can give right, Richard? Sure.
Unfortunately, we already have an infrastructure provider for Fpà od.
Oh.
Are yours - stained? Do you mean sustainable? Yes.
Well the cost was prohibitive.
Still, each journey begins with a single step.
Right.
Well mine are totally sustainable.
And they're manufactured by - orphans.
Carbon savings and opportunities for children? This is my bliss.
Me too.
This could be a very fortuitous marketing juncture.
Seven p.
m.
at the DelRoy Motel.
Room three-twelve.
Unbelievable.
What a bitch.
You know she was queen of the rainbow kiss party in third grade and she has the nerve to call me slutydactyl rex? Well there's no need for the 'S' word though this girl does sound like quite a negative Nancy.
And what do we do with negative Nancies? Kick them in the box? Justin, when was the last time you talked to anybody, you know, about your feelings? Probably the last time I saw you.
You're the only one who listens to me.
Can I call you Daddy? Of course you can.
Oh come here, come here, Justin.
Remember that I'll always be there for you.
No matter what.
Whoops.
I think you forgot your Game Boy in your pants there little buddy.
Nobody uses Game Boys anymore, Larry.
Also, that's my cock.
Ooh, ugh, oh.
Oh no.
Joshy.
Josh.
Ya? Let's try those sixty watt bulbs, sugar, so mamma can get a better look.
Ok.
Oh and ah, thanks again for the rubber pants, Mrs.
F! They're good for chores.
Super easy to clean.
What should we make him do next, Mommy? Oh I know! One of those fish pedicures.
Bottoms up.
Oh.
This is exactly what I imagined all the times I imagined us spending time together when I was a kid but we never did because you were drunk, or off having an affair or just ignoring me.
I was ignoring you because I was drunk and having affairs.
You're so funny, Mommy.
See we can bond.
It doesn't have to be all competitive-like.
Not that it would have been a fair fight, but.
What should I write next? I got this one.
Oh, OK, sure.
I'll just get a better look.
Justin, sometimes when a boy flower has extra special feelings for another boy flower, he starts to -- Suck him off? Well, usually he begins by telling him how he feels, you know -- writing him a nice poem, sending a box of chocolates.
You're even retardeder than my mother said you were.
Ah ah more retarded.
Exactly.
Look, peaches.
I'm not in this for the lulz.
You're creepy, and that gets my fourteen-year-old mouth wet.
But if you're not going to let me go down on you, it's time for you to give me the money you're going to use to frame Pat Childs.
Frame Pat Childs? No one's framing anybody here, mister! Sometimes, Larry, when a man and another man decide they want to fuck over a third man, they put him in a motel room with a minor, a pimp, a big wad of cash and then call the cops.
I don't understand.
My uncle and grandfather are using you to set up Pat Childs on pedophilia charges.
The Polanski, fuck-nut.
No no no, Ken and Richard are on a journey of self-discovery.
They wouldn't set me up.
And I'm the kind of kid who doesn't pack a nanny cam.
Oh Oh Justin.
Give me the money or you'll be the one going downtown.
Room 312.
Yeah.
Ten-fifty-four at Victory Park.
Unit two, respond.
Any minute now.
This is the best night of my life.
And it's 50 percent thanks to you.
You're welcome.
Wait, did you just thank me? Shut your pie hole.
That tard-tower was right.
You are acting like a teenage girl.
What the fuck are you talking about? I just paid you a compliment, nut-bag.
Can I help being pleased that my fuck-up of a son did something right for once in his life? Or that we're about to be number one on the strip again? Then I guess you're welcome.
a honey cruller and a double double? Fuck! Oh hey guys, did you catch any trout? No, you didn't.
Why? Because you didn't go on a fishing trip.
What the fuck? You're supposed to be halfway to lockup by now! Larry explained your plan.
My sympathies, Ken.
Selling an outdated product really has messed with your moral karma.
Don't worry.
When you fail, there will always be a place for you at O-Mobile.
And you as well, Richard.
Tell it to the cops, tree fluffer.
Oh, those sirens aren't for me.
I called them.
Using a minor to frame a family member for pedophilia is a federal offense.
Oh yeah baby! Mommy? We're late for our two-for-one Brazilians.
The guy's here.
He's oriental.
Thanks, Joshy.
Anytime, Mrs.
F.
Nobody's going to be able to clean that mess up.
- I just had so much sex with your mom.
- Oh, my God.
Mommy, how did you-- Age trumps idiot, baby.
Pay up.
Just shut up and get in, Fitzpatrick.
Well, despite this calamitous turn of events, at least we got to the bottom of Ken's strange behaviour.
Family always brings out the demons.
Yeah, what the fuck was Childs talking about back there? That family shit? Oh.
Mr.
Childs told me that he's Ken's long-lost brother, so that explains why he's been acting so strangely.
Our mortal fucking enemy is your brother? What? Was that relevant? Fuck.
Someone stole the fucking baby.
Our future is at stake here.
The key to the fuckin' Fitzpatrick legacy.
We will get our rightful heir and son of a Fitz back.
I'm talking about the dealership.
Who would want to take a kid? Well most kidnappings are perpetrated by somebody known to the victim.
Ahoy hoy gentlemen.
You were always obsessed with that kid.
Give me my son.
Ali Devon? How about we focus on finding the lost baby.
Lost baby? You want to know why everyone abandons you Fitz? Because you deserve it.
Someone on this strip is trying to fuck our dealership.
This means war.
Some guy, he hired me to loan you that cash.
Who motherfucker? Give me back my kid! It's ok honey.
Mommy's here.
Nooooooooooooooo! Welcome.
I'm Pat Childs, CEO of ChilldsScorp, but you may know me better for Fpà od.
The nutrient system that revolutionized third world sanitation issues.
Or equally important -- my work with the environment.
Plasti-bergs⢠- the synthectic iceberg alternative that's saving polar bears from extinction.
Now what do these two things have in common? No, that isn't nothing.
It's an O.
Ohhhhh.
Now some people think the O is a symbol for zero, but to our ancient elders, it meant infinity.
Ahhhhhhh! And infinite possibilities are exactly where the O will bring us.
The O-Mobile won't just transcend the need for the traditional single-engine vehicle - it will bring us into a whole new way of being.
Cars are the past.
The future is O-Mo.
And I find when I'm looking for tomorrow - There's your tomorrow, motherfucker.
Without you I'd find my smile Without you I'd'a won by a mile Without you Oh life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man We found him on the side of a road.
If someone hadn't been smart enough to put some dog tags on the little Tumbleweed, we'd have had no idea who to call.
That was me! Oh hi I will never forgive you for this.
That's what you said when I killed your mother.
Go after her, Richard.
Get stuffed.
Losing that little shit-vendor is the best thing that's happened to me in months.
Adversity is the sister of optimism.
And the harbinger for change.
Hi, you're the plastic iceberg fellow, right? I'm Larry.
Really big fan.
Pat Childs.
You have a very moist energy.
That's great.
Thank you so much.
Greetings.
I don't give a crap who you are.
That little shitter came in here with $7-K.
Where's my fucking money? I just had it laundered, Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
I knew you were mob.
No, literally.
Laundered.
We found it in the poor child's diaper.
I thought it best to give you an extra thousand for his education.
Children are our future.
You know what I admire, Mr.
Fitzpatrick? Your tenacity.
I'd like to invest in that emotion and watch you pay it forward in a big way.
So, bullshit.
That's your angle.
My angle is the apex of a prism turning white light into rainbows.
Do you know what I mean? Follow me.
Low five! ) Ali? Welcome to my inspiration cave.
Nice soundtrack! Oooh, is that one of those new ergonomic standing desks? Our employees' spinal health is our spinal health here at O-Mo.
What the fuck is she doing here? I see you've met my daughter, Paula.
This nice lady clearly needs a car but seems to think she doesn't Dodge Caravan right? Good memory.
Wait, if you're his daughter, why were you buying a car from me? You sent her to fuck me over.
You mistake my intentions.
Paula was researching the buying process.
I don't sell cars.
I sell socialization acceleration mobilitators.
Go teabag someone else, granola.
I am so sorry.
Richard can be a little -- What's the word Oh.
Richard.
Bathroom's occupied, turnip-dick.
Oooh, that is just all kinds of dirty.
You want dirty? I'll show you dirty.
Look at the mildew in that grout.
What the fuck is this? Cash to buy back the dealership.
Childs even threw in an extra grand for my "trouble.
" What a mark.
Pat Childs gave you this money? He returned it, technically.
We're not taking a dime from that ass-cracker.
But it's our dime.
Richard, I know you don't want to talk about.
.
Then don't talk about it, cock-sock! Your father's strange behaviour, but I couldn't help but wonder why he wouldn't take the money, and I think I have an answer.
Dementia? Loneliness.
Yeah, he didn't want you to get the dealership back just you on your own; he wanted to do it together.
Fishing trip! Ya, it's the perfect activity to rebuild your lean mean selling machine and get to the bottom of your father's problems.
The O-Mo.
It's not just your personal mobility device, There's his fucking problem.
Pat Childs.
Drop off your used gas guzzler at any O-Mobile dealership and we'll give you post-car product.
Never drive used again.
I'll drown that fuck in his patchouli juice.
Ok ok ok ok ok ok.
Come on baby, gimme some sugar.
No.
No! Because.
Because he freaks me out, okay? I caught him watching me sleeping once.
It's called joint custody, Saul.
He's your son too.
Fine.
I will take Justin this afternoon, but you have to take him at Christmas, okay? I'm trying for one of those free cruises to Buffalo.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Okay, goodbye.
Come on, come on, come on.
I'm not going to ask you what's wrong because I know what's wrong.
You're an asshole.
YEAH! HA HA HA! Look at you two.
Bonding.
All these years I never realized he was snorkeling dick.
Josh isn't gay.
He just saw my tits.
Believe me.
Gay as a tangerine on a badminton court.
Mommy, there comes a time in every woman's life when she has to accept the fact that all the saline in the world can't fix gravity.
I could bang that piece before he even took a look at your cottage cheese ass.
You want to put cash on that? Fifty.
Thirty-to-one odds.
Sixty.
And I'll give you sixty-to-one odds.
You're on.
Oh we're on.
It's my favorite chore.
You want Richard.
Pat Childs will be no match for Father and Son working together.
What the fuck do you want?! I believe in you, Richard, and your ability to get to the bottom of your father's latent feelings of paternal angst.
This isn't about feelings, pube-knitter.
It's about selling cars.
Relax.
I got this.
So, you shit -- Ken.
Here's what I.
I was thinking -- What do you think about -- You gonna pull the cock out of your mouth anytime soon? Fu - Fu - Gah - Fuck! Retard's rubbing off on you huh? For your information I am rubbing off all over him.
Look, what Richard is trying to say is he'd like to spend more time with you.
Why would I want to do that? Because fuck you! All you've ever done is fuck me! I fucked you?! You love each other! And you're working out of a trailer! Private conversation, Larry.
You don't even have the balls to ask for my help, do you? You're the one who needs my help, liver spots.
You know, every time I look at you, I wish your mother hadn't gotten so bored with anal.
And my work here is done.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um.
Oh.
What? Again.
Getting saucy Nasty.
Uhhhh ya, oooooh my, Huh huh what? Um um deal with it.
Crowd's going wild.
Uh uh boom! Somebody just got defecated.
You mean dominated.
I mean shut up and dance.
Did you even graduate high school? Ha ha ha ya.
High school.
Of course I did -- Hey, Meghan.
Wanna play? Oh, ya I do, I want to play.
Mom, why do you have to come on to ALL my friends? Um, Josh is my friend too.
In fact, he's my friend first.
Yeah.
So in fact, we went to high school together.
So Meghan, did I graduate? Fuck no.
You couldn't concentrate on anything.
Right Joshy, like right now? I'm a woman of deep intelligence.
You go girl.
And even deeper sexual powers.
See, pooh-bear, it's out of my hands.
Round 2, hipster! Yes, uh huh.
Okay, I'm bleeding.
It's about time you got your semen-infested asses in gear to take down Childs.
After what that fucker did.
Do you and Mr.
Childs know each other? Of course not, stillborn.
Remember what I use to always say to you and retard when you were kids? If the shoe looks clean they're probably sticking it somewhere dirty? Exactly.
I'll bet that fucker's sticking acorns up his ass and letting the squirrels go to town.
But why would you -- oh.
Even his name is twisted.
Pat.
Childs.
I'll bet he does.
You thinking what I'm thinking? The Polanski.
A scam so bulletproof even a pint-sized Polack with a dick the size of a French fry couldn't wiggle his way out of it.
All we need is a hotel room -- Some scratch -- A kid -- And Larry.
What's a Polanski? Uh, it's a lake up north, dickweed.
So you are going on the fishing trip? Ya.
We're gonna land a big one.
So, I may have made some huge mistakes in my life- but that doesn't mean we can't make something good.
I mean just look at you, you just came right out of me, didn't ya.
See, I told you? Well I knew you would want to see him.
Who? Your child.
Oh yeah, right.
Can I use it? I mean, can I hang out with him? Use? I miss the little homo's smile.
Okay, what do you want to use him for, Fitz? For collateral? Cover? Hey, he needs to learn the family business if he wants to stay in diapers.
You are unbelievable.
C'mon, it'll take a couple hours.
Tops.
Think of it as bonding time.
Oh the doctor is right, your Mommy has got to take her pills, she does.
And then she needs to get a haircut, and a personal trainer, a job and a restraining order against your daddy.
Hey! Don't you want me to provide for our child? Where are you going? Fuck.
I got a kid.
Who the fuck is that? That's your niece, fucknuts.
What's-her-name, Justine! Like I've been telling you for ten years, Gramps, it's Justin.
Like I've been telling you, men don't wear makeup.
Meghan's kid? You two aren't trying to pull another Polanski, are you? He's a little old, Isn't he? Fourteen is statutory.
And I want my cut.
They grow up so fast.
I'll see you at the motel.
Mommy, I think we both know I've got this Josh thing in the bag.
So why don't you just give me $5-K and we'll call it even.
Justin told me you struck out.
Oh fucking Josh! I don't know what's wrong with him? I'm pretty, right Mommy? Don't you think I'm pretty? Let's ask the Vodka.
Real men think I'm pretty.
Remember that hot boyfriend I had, before I got fired from my first job? You mean the hustler? Ya, I had to hire him to keep you quiet while we ripped off the Indian joint.
Oh yeah.
Remember Raj? We used to play hide the samosa and then he'd give me free water.
I used to call him the Raj Mahal.
And then we got him deported.
Good times.
Ya.
Raj would never care about a stupid chore wheel.
Fucking Josh.
Oh.
Why are we in a motel? I told you, ass-jam.
You're babysitting while we're at the lake.
Pat Childs might stop by later to pick this up.
Ok.
You can use twenty of it to order a pizza but no pay-per-view.
Cheap fucks.
Two generations of Fitzpatrick men together at last.
Hey, don't you think we should make it three? Justin and I would be honored to accompany you.
Larry, think of this as your time to shine.
You get to be a positive influence on young Justin here while me and my old man -- bond.
Oh.
Okay, well that's a good point.
We'll have fun! Make sure you keep Childs in the room for as long as you can when you give him the envelope.
Sure! Why? Because suck my hemorrhoids, that's why.
They think they're going on a fishing trip.
But really they're going on a journey of emotional growth.
Operation Hook, Line and Sinker, initiate! Tick-tock old man, let's go.
Fellows denizens.
Here to hang with my main man, Pat Childs? You're friends with Childs? Pat Childs is friend to all.
He can command our thought-shapes.
You go ahead.
I'll wait here.
What the fuck's wrong with you? The "Fuck" is Pat Childs.
You should be frightened, sir.
Pat Childs is no ordinary alien.
Go.
I'll deal with bonk-nuts.
If you're going to transmit to me like that, Mr.
Childs won't confirm your protein injection.
Get away from me you fucking degenerate! Spare some change for a brother? If it's change you're after, let it be your opinion of our magnanimous alien overlord.
Father? I'm sorry.
Making music with my child, who also happens to be my right hand woman.
It's like we're having a conversation with eternity.
Well, lookie here.
Richard Fitzpatrick! Welcome.
We're taking a short imagination siesta.
Would you care to pull up a laptop? Lay down some breeze? I've got a flute here that's just begging for your lips.
Of course you do.
What can we do you for? Actually I've got a proposition.
A guy I know's got a line on some cheap port-a-potties.
I thought you could use them for your African child fertilizer project.
Wonderful, wonderful.
We only have so that we can give right, Richard? Sure.
Unfortunately, we already have an infrastructure provider for Fpà od.
Oh.
Are yours - stained? Do you mean sustainable? Yes.
Well the cost was prohibitive.
Still, each journey begins with a single step.
Right.
Well mine are totally sustainable.
And they're manufactured by - orphans.
Carbon savings and opportunities for children? This is my bliss.
Me too.
This could be a very fortuitous marketing juncture.
Seven p.
m.
at the DelRoy Motel.
Room three-twelve.
Unbelievable.
What a bitch.
You know she was queen of the rainbow kiss party in third grade and she has the nerve to call me slutydactyl rex? Well there's no need for the 'S' word though this girl does sound like quite a negative Nancy.
And what do we do with negative Nancies? Kick them in the box? Justin, when was the last time you talked to anybody, you know, about your feelings? Probably the last time I saw you.
You're the only one who listens to me.
Can I call you Daddy? Of course you can.
Oh come here, come here, Justin.
Remember that I'll always be there for you.
No matter what.
Whoops.
I think you forgot your Game Boy in your pants there little buddy.
Nobody uses Game Boys anymore, Larry.
Also, that's my cock.
Ooh, ugh, oh.
Oh no.
Joshy.
Josh.
Ya? Let's try those sixty watt bulbs, sugar, so mamma can get a better look.
Ok.
Oh and ah, thanks again for the rubber pants, Mrs.
F! They're good for chores.
Super easy to clean.
What should we make him do next, Mommy? Oh I know! One of those fish pedicures.
Bottoms up.
Oh.
This is exactly what I imagined all the times I imagined us spending time together when I was a kid but we never did because you were drunk, or off having an affair or just ignoring me.
I was ignoring you because I was drunk and having affairs.
You're so funny, Mommy.
See we can bond.
It doesn't have to be all competitive-like.
Not that it would have been a fair fight, but.
What should I write next? I got this one.
Oh, OK, sure.
I'll just get a better look.
Justin, sometimes when a boy flower has extra special feelings for another boy flower, he starts to -- Suck him off? Well, usually he begins by telling him how he feels, you know -- writing him a nice poem, sending a box of chocolates.
You're even retardeder than my mother said you were.
Ah ah more retarded.
Exactly.
Look, peaches.
I'm not in this for the lulz.
You're creepy, and that gets my fourteen-year-old mouth wet.
But if you're not going to let me go down on you, it's time for you to give me the money you're going to use to frame Pat Childs.
Frame Pat Childs? No one's framing anybody here, mister! Sometimes, Larry, when a man and another man decide they want to fuck over a third man, they put him in a motel room with a minor, a pimp, a big wad of cash and then call the cops.
I don't understand.
My uncle and grandfather are using you to set up Pat Childs on pedophilia charges.
The Polanski, fuck-nut.
No no no, Ken and Richard are on a journey of self-discovery.
They wouldn't set me up.
And I'm the kind of kid who doesn't pack a nanny cam.
Oh Oh Justin.
Give me the money or you'll be the one going downtown.
Room 312.
Yeah.
Ten-fifty-four at Victory Park.
Unit two, respond.
Any minute now.
This is the best night of my life.
And it's 50 percent thanks to you.
You're welcome.
Wait, did you just thank me? Shut your pie hole.
That tard-tower was right.
You are acting like a teenage girl.
What the fuck are you talking about? I just paid you a compliment, nut-bag.
Can I help being pleased that my fuck-up of a son did something right for once in his life? Or that we're about to be number one on the strip again? Then I guess you're welcome.
a honey cruller and a double double? Fuck! Oh hey guys, did you catch any trout? No, you didn't.
Why? Because you didn't go on a fishing trip.
What the fuck? You're supposed to be halfway to lockup by now! Larry explained your plan.
My sympathies, Ken.
Selling an outdated product really has messed with your moral karma.
Don't worry.
When you fail, there will always be a place for you at O-Mobile.
And you as well, Richard.
Tell it to the cops, tree fluffer.
Oh, those sirens aren't for me.
I called them.
Using a minor to frame a family member for pedophilia is a federal offense.
Oh yeah baby! Mommy? We're late for our two-for-one Brazilians.
The guy's here.
He's oriental.
Thanks, Joshy.
Anytime, Mrs.
F.
Nobody's going to be able to clean that mess up.
- I just had so much sex with your mom.
- Oh, my God.
Mommy, how did you-- Age trumps idiot, baby.
Pay up.
Just shut up and get in, Fitzpatrick.
Well, despite this calamitous turn of events, at least we got to the bottom of Ken's strange behaviour.
Family always brings out the demons.
Yeah, what the fuck was Childs talking about back there? That family shit? Oh.
Mr.
Childs told me that he's Ken's long-lost brother, so that explains why he's been acting so strangely.
Our mortal fucking enemy is your brother? What? Was that relevant? Fuck.