Catastrophe (2015) s04e04 Episode Script

1 Just gonna be a second.
Oh, come on.
Sharon's gonna be back in half an hour and I need a piss.
Oh, shit I can't get up.
Have you wiped your arse? My My Agh! Oh! Oh! - Oh! Oh! - Why are you doing that noise? Oh, thank Jesus Christ! Oh, I dreamt I was drunk and I couldn't get off the toilet.
Are you sure it was a dream? Sounds more like a memory.
Uh, what time is it? It's 3:15.
You should go back to sleep.
Fergal gets in at some stupid hour.
Jesus.
What? I just don't know if I can deal with him right now.
And why are you having to plan his birthday party? Plus, adults shouldn't have birthday parties.
You sound like a supervillain.
Good night.
Can I play with your tits a little bit? Do you mind if I go back to sleep? - No.
- Then go nuts.
- Huh.
- What do you think? Well, my concern with Maroon Thrive is that their set list includes both Shaggy and Enya, which is impressive, but it's, like, "Where's your passion?" It's grand for a bar mitzvah, but for a milestone birthday I say we keep looking.
I'm not asking what you think of them, Fergal.
I'm showing you who I booked.
- They're not that bad, are they? - No, they suck.
I think they'd be perfect for your party.
Maybe you could get Mallandra to play her castanets along with 'em, you know, jazz 'em up a little bit.
Mallandra's not coming.
- Yeah, why isn't she? - She didn't want to.
They threw a little ham party for me in Spain anyway.
By the way, no ham at this party.
Oh, no, I thought we could get pizzas delivered, at - what do you think? Like 9:00 PM? - Yeah, well, it depends what time we cut the cake, right? You know what? I would cut it after musical chairs but before the piñata.
Yeah, just because you're unhappy with your life doesn't mean I can't celebrate mine.
What did Captain Piss Parade do for his 40th? Oh, I can't remember what we Oh, yeah, weren't you in Toronto for your 40th? No, I wasn't.
I was supposed to be, but I changed the trip to be here for my birthday.
But it is funny how, through the mists of time, you've latched onto the Toronto myth to absolve yourself.
It was probably so last-minute, we didn't have time - to organise anything.
- I didn't need to go to the Ritz.
I mean, we could've gone anywhere.
We could have gone to fuckin' - Five Guys.
- I love Five Guys.
- Let's get Five Guys instead.
- Unbelievable! Also we need to get some balloons.
Maybe black balloons? - Black balloons? - I'm not turning seven.
You know the sort of thing.
Masculine balloons.
Fine.
Who else are we askin'? Oh, do you know Mum's coming over for your birthday? - Yeah, sure she is! - What do you mean? She's coming to see her new man.
What the fuck?! And, you know, it's not even Fergal's fault.
It's the fact that Sharon not only tolerates him but enjoys him that drives me insane.
Yeah.
You said that at the meeting.
And, you know, I realise this is the kind of time when I would've drank, but I'm not gonna give him that power, you know? That'd be like giving a weasel a machine gun.
Which I would never do.
- What's funny? - Oh, no, it's just your biggest problem right now is some asshole who lives in Spain.
I wish I could worry about stuff that small.
Yeah and what would you like me to get upset about? Well, take your pick! I mean, there is some bad shit coming down the line.
I mean, we are not far away from total societal collapse, my friend.
Did you know London's water supply could be compromised like that? Man, you need to get off your basement computers.
This isn't paranoia! I mean, there are two points of entry Croydon and Hampstead.
You hit both of those at the same time, you can expect four million casualties in under an hour.
- Four million? - Mm-hm.
Aren't there, like, ten million people in London? - I mean, that's not that bad.
- Anyway picked up our New Zealand passports this morning, - so we gotta game plan.
- What? How'd you get those? Dark web.
I mean, it started out, I just wanted to see if I could.
Uh, I mean, they're not a hundred percent legal, like in court or whatever, but for fathers who care about their families, New Zealand really is the only way to go.
Want me to look into it for you? The flight was lovely, and Stephen was waiting for me in arrivals with a home-made panini.
- I I have a panini press.
- Oh.
Who are you? I mean, h um, how'd you meet? Well, Stephen was on a shoot in Mullingar.
Stephen's a model, if that's not obvious.
- You're a model? - Well, technically.
It's all very new.
I was an accountant for 40 years.
Stephen was scouted in Gatwick Airport on his way back from Ayia Napa.
Wow! That's I I didn't know that that people even uh, I just thought young models grew into old models.
You know, after a while you stop doin' swimsuit stuff and you start advertising hot-water bottles.
No.
I, uh I do swimsuit work.
Rob was nearly a model once.
- Well, I wasn't, um Some people say that I, um - He was.
- Does anyone want a drink? No.
- Yeah.
- Hello! - Oh, it's Fergal.
Hello, son! Mwah! This is Stephen.
Stephen, this is my son, Fergal.
- Hi.
- Come here, you! Did you see the way she laughed at his jokes? It was obscene.
Who uses their tongue to laugh? What was that? Do you think they're having sex? I dunno.
Maybe.
She still has her original hips, right? Oh, God! I don't know how I feel about that.
I mean, we barely have sex anymore, and that's fine, but not if my mum's gonna be doing it more than me.
Maybe this is a wake-up call.
Shall we start making more of an effort? I don't know.
I mean, here here's how I feel about sex with you these days.
On paper, it sounds amazing, but if you were to initiate it, like, tonight I'd just be angry.
But I still have the fond feeling when I look at you.
Maybe that's enough.
Goddammit, it is enough! Your mum's boyfriend's a feckin' ride.
- Good for her! - No, not good for her! My dad died six months ago.
That's nothing.
There's stuff in my fridge that's more than six months old.
How's it going, Rob? Do you want a drink? Ah, no, thanks.
Um, I have alcoholism.
Even on your brother-in-law's birthday? Yeah, even then! That's why AA would never work for me.
It's, like, "Be reasonable.
" I told Anna to get here for 7:30.
Is that OK? I thought you and me could get there early, blow up the balloons.
I can help with balloons.
In college I taught myself how to tie them off with my tongue.
Also, I've no gag reflex.
That's unrelated.
You all right, Ciaran? Are we meeting the other St Joseph lads in the pub? No, no.
I think it's just me.
Yeah, a lot of those lads don't like Fergal, so they didn't really know why you invited them.
Why don't they like him? Oh, some fuckin' timeshare bollocks at Montenegro that he roped them into, that went tits-up the second their cheques cleared.
You look lovely, Fergal! Do you have eyeliner on? No! Just a bit of lip gloss.
- Come on.
- Honey, um, I have sad news.
I have diarrhoea.
And it's pretty bad, so I don't think I can make the party.
Sorry.
Bullshit.
You've diarrhoea? I know when you've diarrhoea.
The house smells like a poultry farm and you're all covered in sweat.
OK.
I don't wanna come to Fergal's party.
- What? You have to come! - I don't have to come.
Look, just tell him I have diarrhoea, and it hurts, - and he won't care anyway.
- Yeah.
He might not care, but I'd really like you to be there.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
Honey, look, my idea of fun isn't pushin' Fergal home in a wheelbarrow - cos you're too drunk to do it.
- OK, the Pope.
Well, you know what? The wheelbarrow thing sounds like brilliant fun, actually, so maybe we've got a bigger problem here.
But it's good to know that this is my future as the wife of a dry drunk.
Used to be you'd just stand in the corner scowling at parties.
Now you won't be there at all! Yeah, well, I hope you have some hand cream in your bag in case you gotta jerk off any Uh, I uh, you know, that's just a funny joke that we have.
Um, so, listen, uh, looks like we won't need you tonight, Anna.
- So, I'm sorry - What? Sorry if I cancelled plans, and I was gonna use the money to buy my nephew Rocky a birthday present? So what I'll do is, I'll just go read upstairs, and, um, it's great that you're here.
Everybody! - Hey! You having fun? - No.
Maybe it wouldn't feel so pathetic if you hadn't booked an actual barn for my party.
Was the O2 Arena not available? - I'm sorry.
I expected more people.
- Oh, right! So it's my fault? I mean, this is not an honest representation of me as a people person.
- Do you wanna dance, Ciaran? - Sure.
Yeah, let me drink three more beers.
You're on! This is considerably more depressing than your father's funeral.
Oh! - "An agonising wait for the sugar" - What?! They don't have nearly enough time to do spun sugar.
What, do they think they're Rumpelstiltskins? Why don't you go to the party? - I don't like my brother-in-law.
- Do you like Sharon? Yes, I like Sharon.
Just not enough to go to the party.
- How does that work, then? - What do you mean? Well, you don't like fun.
Sharon does.
"Don't like fun"! Ask Ricky Pratt if I like fun.
We went to karate camp together, and we Yeah.
We were animals! So it's I won't be late.
Oh, fucking Christ! We move like cagey tigers We couldn't get closer than this The way we walk, the way we talk, the way we stalk - How are you? You OK? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
I mean I'm lonely in my own home, but apart from that, everything's great.
- Chris looks happy.
- Everybody looks happy.
You don't.
Fran! Do you want another gin? Can I get you Oh, no.
You look like you had enough.
Uh, hello! So, Douglas, how did you get into the whole plastic-surgery game? Did you go to med school to become a real doctor, and then think, "You know what? Any arsehole can save a life.
" "What I'd like to do is give women weird, hard tits - that start at their collarbones.
" - It's not all tits.
Last year I reconstructed an eight year old's face who'd been attacked by her neighbour's dog.
Oh, well, that I mean, that's different, that.
But I also did an eye lift yesterday for a woman who had a similar issue to yours.
I'm not currently taking new patients, but I'd be happy to give you a referral.
I don't have an issue! Do I? - Where's Mark and Shane? - Oh, they fucked off.
- Oh, why? - I think they went bowling.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Hey, let's get some of that new drug, you know, the one that anaesthetists use.
The one that killed those people in Glasgow? - Yeah, that one.
- OK.
I'll call my cousin.
What? Can you still get hard on those? Ma'am? Could you open the doors? The stop's just there.
We're an inch from the stop.
You couldn't even use feet to measure it.
Sir! Leave the doors alone, please! Thank you.
Check out the artist formerly known as Douglas.
- I didn't know you two were back together.
- Och, aye.
I'm only seeing him because of - Don't matter.
- No.
What were you gonna say? I messed up everything, didn't I? I screwed everything up! Sorry.
- I've had a couple of drinks, so - No, but, no, no, it's good, - because I wanted to - Can you ask him to come back? - What? - Jeffrey.
Can you tell him I'm sorry and ask him to come back? - Fran - You've got that lovely girl, and I've got nothing.
Goin' out with a male model.
Our mother.
It's not even funny.
It's better than going out with a DJ.
- Como Te llamas? Should've known.
- Sofia.
Sofia, What if she's up for it? - What are you gonna do then, you clown? - Dunno.
Couldn't get any Fentanyl, but I got these.
What are they? They're blue.
- Sweet! - Yeah? - Yeah? Would ya? Come on.
- Take us down.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! Agh! - Come on, ya bollocks! Ow! Mother of! I need excitement, oh, I need it bad And it's the best I've ever had I wanna hold her, wanna hold her tight Get teenage kicks right through the night All right Hey! So, what's your angle? - How do you mean? - You know she's still grievin', right? So anything she tells you is just nonsense, like a fever dream.
There's no way she's over my dad.
Well, it would be strange if she were.
I mean she's told me how hard his death hit you all.
Sounds like he was a wonderful man.
Yeah, well, he was.
Nice to see you two chatting.
How are you gettin' on? Yeah, great.
He's great.
I think, you know, if you two hit pause, and then picked it up again in a couple of years when you've had proper time to grieve for Dad, then - I might even feel good about it - Nah, fuck off! - this him.
- Here, can I have a Babycham? - Argh, you! - What the hell?! - Argh! - Argh! What are you doing?! Fergal! What the fuck?! I wanna hold her, wanna hold her tight Get teenage kicks right through the night - Hey - Hey, guys! We should maybe take a taxi.
- Why? - So we can get home quick and fuck.
I'm ovulating.
Oh, right! Let's, uh What do you say we go somewhere and have a chat? Why am I even having to deal with this anyway? Stop talking at me like that! You're always moaning about everything I'm not, you idiot Hey, you came! Hey! Did you bring any diarrhoea? What the hell happened? Does he have a pulse? Relax, Nancy.
He's just taking a breather.
- Oh, back off, Fergal! - What is your fucking problem? - You! - Why, you think you're better than me? - Right now, yeah.
- Well, you're not.
You're like a fuckin' fun-vacuum.
You're like.
.
you're like the Reverend Footloose.
Everyone, stop stop dancing! Stop having fun! The Reverend fuckin' Rob Norris is here.
Jesus Christ.
Your eyes are like a hundred percent pupil.
Are you high? - It's my birthday! - Oh, Fergal! Nobody gives a shit.
Six people showed up to celebrate, and one of them's your mom.
What the fuck?! Jesus, what are you doin'?! Just be careful! You fuck! Get off him! Fergal, what the fuck?! Get off him! Um who are we here for? - Oh, come on! - What the fuck is going on with you? - Are you having a mid-life crisis? - I'm not having a mid-life My wife fucking hates me.
When I drive into work, I think about pulling into oncoming traffic.
Well, yeah, maybe it is a crisis.
Not mid-life, though.
Come on! Jesus Christ! So, what are you gonna do? Leave her, because you cannot continue like this.
You are gonna get yourself in serious trouble being this much of an arsehole, Fergal.
You you're gonna be in a bar one night, mouthing off, and some Spanish Vinnie Jones is gonna smash your face in.
- I can't leave her.
- What? I fuckin' made a promise to Dad.
Okay? I told him I'd work it out with Mallandra.
Why would you promise him that? It made him smile.
Fergal, he'd had a stroke.
He didn't have full control of his facial muscles.
Oh! Bugger! - Oh, morning.
- Morning.
- Where's Ciaran? - Um Oh, he slept in Frankie's bunk bed last night, but he's got a concussion, though, so I think it's important that we let him sleep.
What? No.
That is the opposite of what you do.
I'll go check on him.
Does anybody have a mint? It doesn't matter.
I owe you probably 15 apologies.
Look, it's OK.
I had a bit of a revelation earlier.
I used the toilet after you were in there this morning, and the seat was warm, and I got really angry.
But then I thought, "Why do I care how it got warm?" It's warm and it's cosy.
What I'm trying to say is, you're my wife's brother, and I'm glad that you're leaving, but I know that you'll be back at some point, and that's fine.
Just out of curiosity, have you ever hated anything as much as you hate me? 'Cause, it seems a little excessive.
- Shar - Sorry.
Can just Sorry.
Can I go? Mum I'm sorry about how I behaved.
You've just lost your husband.
You know, you should be able to do whatever you wanna do when your husband dies, including fuck up.
Which you're not.
So, I guess I'm trying to say don't break up with Stephen on my account.
- What were you gonna say? - I was just going to say, I left five Euros for Frankie under his pillow.
Oh! Be careful, OK? That fit at that age, just seems a bit I'm just saying he could be gay you know? I mean, he's such a good dancer.
I don't want you to get hurt.
Well, if he is gay, he's under deep cover.
How long do you think you'd wait to get together with someone after I die? Like, if I had to go out and look for 'em, it'd be, you know, a couple of years.
But if somebody came up to me and was, like, "I'm fucking you now," then, I would wait, like, you know a day or two.
Yeah.
If I die, I would be fine with you being with someone else, you know? I'm dead.
I don't care.
But if the slut you get together with even suggests my kids call her "mum" I'll haunt her, and if Muireann has her period, you come to my grave and you tell me, not your mail-order bride.
That's non-negotiable.
Hey, I'm sorry I never threw you a party for your 40th.
- I didn't want a party for my 40th.
- Well, a picnic, then, or we could've gone to the beach.
Just makes me wanna cry, thinking about it.
And I'm sorry about Fergal.
I know sometimes it seems like I put my family first, but I love you, and that's why I married you, and not him.
- And also because I'm fun.
- Huh? Well, you still think I'm fun, don't you? I mean, know I said fun for me isn't rolling you and Fergal around in a wheelbarrow, but you know, I'd give it a shot.
You are plenty of great things.
I don't need you to be fun.
Well, tough luck, because I am.
Get off! Stop! - Ow! Jesus! - Oh! I'm sorry!