Childrens Hospital (2010) s04e04 Episode Script

Lola, we have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, you don't have cancer.
- Ohh! - Cat just put nair in your shampoo.
Because you ate my lunch from the refrigerator.
And the bad news is, she also put a chemical in your iced tea which turns your nose into a tennis ball.
But it only lasts a second.
So basically, everything's okay.
Everything's okay.
Chief! Can't you see I'm busy? Sometimes I wish I was a mirror.
Hey, Dori, my round sheet is empty.
Is that a mistake? Doesn't look like it.
This place is empty.
What gives? There are no admissions today, and we just discharged the last child.
Are you saying there are no more patients left in the hospital? Guys, what do we do with all our time? Listen, I'm going into town to register the new ambulance.
Sy! Sy! Sy! Before you go, there are no patients left to treat.
Any extra tasks you need us doing? As a matter of fact, thank you, Glenn.
There's a lot of things to be done.
First off, the organ supply room needs cleaning.
I'll do it! Psych! Wear gloves this time.
I'll do it my own way.
And then, most importantly, the patients' records, all right? Now, look at this -- completely disorganized.
These have been handed down from administrator to administrator.
You know how important this is to me.
Glenn, will you take care of reorganizing this entire room? I will not let you down, sir.
I would never have asked you, son, if I didn't believe in you.
Are they falling in love? Yes.
All right, Glenn is in charge, everybody.
And these files better be perfect when I get back.
I'd rather clean monkey crap.
You know what, Lola? That is a great idea.
The animal-testing lab is filthy.
Should have said, "I'd rather clean the Dylan McDermott lab.
" Who's gonna come with me? It's a great adventure.
Dori! Perfect! Ohh! Let's go! Hey, Rosa.
Working hard or hardly working? Oh, somewhere in between, Mr.
Dr.
Downs.
I see what you're saying.
You're not working as hard as you can be, but you're certainly not working.
Oof.
This uterus expired on Tuesday.
You know what? I figure we have a Expiration dates are really just suggestions.
I like the way you think, lady.
You know, being around all these organs is making me hungry.
Would you like to come to my home for lunch? Attention, staff.
My dick.
That is all.
Hey, chief.
Oh.
Owen isn't interested in me.
Do you think he noticed I use a walker? Oh, I'd love to girl-gab, but I just injected all these stem cells into that handicapped monkey.
He doesn't need glasses or his walker?! Stem cells cure handicaps! Mama want! No! Chief, no! Oh, God! Wait a minute.
I don't feel anything at all.
Thanks for nothing, whore! Wait.
Chief.
Think fast! Amazing! Oh, my God.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.
I'm cured! Stem cells? What a great idea! Okay.
What do you say, guys? Let's get busy! I'm not doing donkey dick.
Look, Cat -- What part of "donkey dick" don't you understand, ass-kisser?! All right.
So, how do you want to do this? My favorite letters are I, T, V, Q, and S, so, obviously, I'll take -- aaaah! Oh, my God.
For a second there, I thought that was a real airplane.
What's the deal, Cat? Glenn, this is a free day! I mean, do you really want to spend it organizing records, or do you want to spend setting them? Am I right, guys? Okay, let's go! Come on, guys! Are we doctors or are we Dart doctors? No! No, no, no! The ladies' room is right there! Sy, where are you? Ha-cha-cha! Whew.
Ooh.
Hey, there.
You new at this hospital? In a way.
What's your name, beautiful? My name? Uh, I-- it's it's, uh, uh My name Ooh, I -- ouch.
It's, uh hey.
Uhit's chief.
Uh, chiefSmith.
Oh.
Well, we have another lady here named chief, but she's ugly.
Oh, really? Yeah.
She's about as ugly as a big pile of poo.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
She's so ugly, a poo takes a her.
Hmm.
If a dog wanted to eat his own poo, he would make a mistake and eat her.
Yeah.
For all intents and purposes, she is poo.
Ohhh.
When she goes to the toilet store, they tell her to "go around back 'cause that's where we let the poo in.
" Oh, God.
If you do a Google image search of the word "poo," pictures of poo show up, but then there's a picture of her.
Mm.
Crazy people smear her on the walls.
There's more.
Hi! Hi.
We're hungry, mama! We're hungry! They're saying they're hungry.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I heard them.
They spoke English.
Come and sit.
Back in Ukraine, I was hospital administrator.
I loved it so.
Oh, thank you, grandma.
I work at Childrens just to be around the administrating.
Sort of like a lower-stakes "Good Will Hunting.
" Exactly.
Yeah.
Mmm.
This soup is incredible.
Is there a secret ingredient? Oh, yes.
Love.
Glenn, come on.
Let yourself go.
- Ahh - Dance.
Oh, you know what? You're right.
The files can wait.
I got to dance! I got to dance! Whoa, Glenn! Yeah! All right! What?! Hey! Pool! Pool! Aah! Free day! Thank you so much, Sasha.
Really nice meeting you, Andrash.
And you, too, Tiffany.
Don't ever change.
And you This day has been wonderful.
No! But we -- we have a connection.
I'm Robin Williams, you're Matt Damon.
Let's make love, like they did in the movie.
No! No! I don't like you like that! Please, Dr.
Blake, leave! Let me kiss her on the mouth! Rosa! No! No! No! No! Mwah! Mwah! No! I'll tell you what, chief Smith, I'm gonna go get us some mai tais.
Don't you go anywhere.
Don't you worry.
Rowr! Mmm.
Hey! Think fast! Wait a minute.
Let me put on my -- my glasses.
Poo chief, where did chief Smith go?! You got to help me find her! Her is me! Her is me! For your sins Hey, Blake, where have you been? Well, let's just say that I've been to another world and I fell in love, and it was not mutual, and I was forcibly removed.
Aw, sweet.
Are those patients' files? Yeah.
Why are you throwing them into the fire?! Don't you get it? I don't know.
Sy's on his way back.
If only any of us knew something about administrating, then we could fix this.
Wait a minute! Guys, I have an idea.
Wait right here, okay? Do you have a sec? No.
Come on.
Everybody, this is Rosa.
She's my girlfriend.
She can fix this.
Not your girlfriend.
Blake told me the situation.
We would have to re-create all the files by calling every patient and getting their medical history.
It's impossible.
Oh, I failed.
Impossible? Nothing's impossible if you follow your heart.
Not even love.
Hi.
I'm calling from Childrens hospital.
I was wondering, were you ever a patient here? And when was his last vaccination? What do you think your weight was in 1975? I'm still at work.
We have to re-create these stupid patient files we burned in a hallway campfire.
She's so ugly that monkeys take her out of their butts and throw her at people at the zoo.
And that's it.
We did it! Ohh! We did it! That's it?! We replaced all the files? No, just this one single file, but you act like it's not that impressive.
Glenn! What the hell happened here?! Sy, it's fault-- No, Cat.
Oh.
I got to own this.
Yeah, we burned the files.
And we'd do it again, 'cause, news flash, Sy -- I don't want to run your hospital, 'cause as a surgeon, I make sick money, and you live in a condo at the Harborlight Mall.
I admit it.
I was wr-- I was wr-- I was wro-- Sy's having a stroke! Everybody come quick! I got it! I got it! No! No! No! Thank you, Rosa.
You've been great.
I did literally nothing and nothing got fixed.
Eh, tomayto, tomahto.
No, I just had trouble saying I was wrong.
It's a tic.
Eh, it's a living.
Attention, staff.
When I say "That is," you say "All.
" That is that is all.