Cougar Town s04e04 Episode Script

I have got to go.
Bye.
Bye.
Ooh.
That exact moment happened in my dream last night.
Yeah, and then the tops came off and the music kicked in.
- ? Bow wa wa wa wa, wa wa wa ? - ? Wa wa, wa wa wa ? wa ooh ooh, wa ooh ooh My mother used to kiss her friends good-bye on the lips.
It let them know they were special.
So I decided to do that with all of my best friends.
Well, I should get going.
Bye, Tom.
God.
Hey, I'd like one of those friend good-bye kisses.
Sweetie, they're only for best friends.
Bye, buddy.
I saw that coming.
Come on! So Laurie and I have this new trainer-- "Crazy Chris.
" Well, actually, he's an ex-con that we pay to yell at us so we work out harder.
He says all I need to do is lower my carbs and get crazy wiry, so eses in the yard think I'm loco.
Your trainer's name is Crazy Chris? His real name is Crazy Chris The Nightmare Man, but he shortened it to sound more professional.
Here's the bad news.
He says that calorie-wise, a glass of wine is the same as a slice of chocolate cake.
I don't buy it.
Hey, Tom, recycle this.
Ooh.
Tom's been kind of AWOL since you denied him that good-bye kiss.
Was I too hard on Tom? Who cares? Uh, it's okay, Jules.
I'll just be over at my house, waiting to die.
And you're done.
Boom! I just crushed it on my date with the hot dog doctor.
He means hot dog doctor.
She's a veterinarian.
Sometimes you have a problem with which word to emphasize.
Yeah, I shoulda said hot dog doctor.
No, that would be a rule-breaking badass surgeon.
Anyway, I met Nicole when I took Dog Travis to the vet.
You guys remember when he had that bad sleep-humping problem? Oh, Bobby, you don't still sleep nude, do you? Man, dogs just don't understand the word "no.
" I feel like they do.
Fellas, I'm really excited about this woman.
She's smart, she's classy and I'm ready for a real relationship.
This could be something special.
And I don't think she wants to see me again.
Well, don't jump to conclusions.
What's it say? "I don't want to see you again.
" That's pretty clear.
Oh, good, there's Tom.
I can apologize.
Oh, wait.
He's with a woman.
Well, I'm sure it's just a relative or something.
Probably a cousin.
Uh still could be a cousin.
Cousin stuff can be hot.
It's like they instinctively know what turns you on.
And that's how Jellies are made.
Hey, Tom.
We haven't seen you in a while.
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
Oh, no, Jules.
I'm just hanging with my girlfriend Jessica.
That's right, world.
I have a girlfriend.
Yeah, you do.
Go ahead.
Smack that ass.
Let it know who it belongs to.
Uh, over or under? I think we all vote over.
Over.
Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
Your purse could be my purse's mom.
You must be Jules.
Tommy says he hangs outside your window.
And you just ignored that red flag, huh? - So Tom's got a girlfriend.
- Mm-hmm.
- Does she not like Ellie? - What? Why? - Just assuming.
- Oh, fair enough.
When did you go to a Yeah Yeah Yeahs concert? Oh, I didn't.
I just like the shirt.
So your shirt's a lie.
I hate lie shirts.
Lie shirts say, "Oh, look at me.
I'm pretending to be something that I'm not.
" Or they just say, "Hey, I'm a shirt.
" I'm with Jules.
When I wear a shirt-- Hey, Jellybean, if you're gonna vomit out one of your long, boring-ass stories, would you do me a solid and raise your hand when you hit the halfway point? If I wear a shirt, you'd better believe that it is true.
Even my female booty inspector shirt.
That's an actual job that I had once at a bar in Key West.
At midnight, all the drunk college girls would come out on the stage and-- yes, yes-- and then I would hose them down.
And then I'd get to judge whose booty was the best.
Bar got shut down fast.
Okay, I say no more wearing lie shirts.
Who's with me? - Me.
- Me.
It's weird you wouldn't speak up, considering you're eating my food and I gave you life.
Moving speech.
I'm in.
You can't just outlaw my shirt.
Yes, she can.
In our gang of seven, four is the majority.
Who's in favor of four votes making something a rule? - Aye.
- Aye.
- Aye.
- Aye.
Change approved.
Change your shirt.
So I texted hot dog doctor? Thank you.
And I asked her why she didn't want to see me again.
Was it because you burn so bright that she knew she could never be good enough for you? No.
She said I had horrible manners.
I mean, can you believe that? Well, your shirt does seem to come off a lot for no reason.
Gotta air the dogs out.
You smell like a man.
Oh, I love you guys, but you're too nice.
No, I need someone who's gonna give me the harsh truth, even if it kills me.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
How did you-- Your ph-- your phone was on.
Oh.
Oh, that necklace is so "Jersey Shore.
" Oh, yeah.
Hey, neighbor.
Do you want some grapes? Oh, no, thanks! I don't like grapes anymore.
Mm.
You know, she's, like, this perky, hot blonde, and Tom is ooh.
He's Nontraditional looking? You are so sweet.
You know, Tom has all that doctor money.
I think Jessica's a gold digger.
I should know.
I wrote the book on gold digging.
I say we investigate and find out what that bitch's deal is.
No, I'm happy for Tom.
We're not investigating anyone.
Oh, hey, sluts.
- Oh - Say what? Is this the window you make Tommy stand outside of? Well, that crap is over.
So no more kissing your ass and laughing at your little jokes and taking dirty naps up in your bed when you're gone.
I wasn't aware he did that.
Just back the hell off.
Let's investigate and find out what that bitch's deal is.
Meet you back here in five.
Oh, I'm loving this! It's great.
Ooh, damn, girl! Where'd you get that body from? Do I really have to say that every time you walk into a room? Four votes, dude.
Deal with it.
Okay.
Tom and Jessica just drove into town.
Are you ready to go spy on them? I got my comfy shoes and I got the wine.
Oh, honey, are you sure you wanna bring wine? We're gonna be standing in one place for a really long time.
So what? If I have to pee, I'll just squat in the alley.
Good idea.
Oh, hell, yeah, baby! Stupid rule.
Comfy shoes, wine-- are those caper supplies? Is this a caper? Whenever these two go on one of their adventures without adult supervision, it's always a disaster.
She's the fire starter.
She's the gasoline pourer.
- Bing.
- Bing.
It's a bad thing.
Remember the time when we lived out all of our favorite song lyrics? Oh, yeah.
We were dancing in the dark.
Oh, we drank piña coladas, - then we let all those dogs out.
- Oh.
And I'm the one that has to clean up the mess.
Write this down.
Do not let these two near any statues of naked men.
That explains that bag of bronze penises in your closet.
If you say so, yeah.
Ready.
Bye.
I love this place.
They've got big ass-burgers.
Nope.
They've got big ass burgers? That's much better.
Hey, thanks for coming on this fake date and helping me with my manners, e-biscuit.
Are you kidding? It combines two of my favorite things-- eating out and telling people they're gross.
Now, are you at all curious as to why I am still standing? I am not.
You always pull a date's chair out when she sits.
Open up with a practical joke.
I like it! It's for real.
Huh? All right.
There you go.
And always stand when a woman approaches the table.
Oh, that's the opposite thing they say at most strip clubs.
What's he doing? He's washing his food-pushing pinkie.
Yeah, it's for the stuff I push onto my fork.
I'm not an animal.
Good God.
Not for waitresses.
These rules are out of control, okay? I have to put a paper towel down in the toilet before I use the bathroom because apparently, I pee too loud.
I have the stream of a 20-year-old.
I will not apologize for that.
What's with the tiny spoon? Ellie got four votes.
She thinks this will slow down my eating.
You can either sit there with your baby spoon or you can stand beside me and fight.
What are you doing? Bobby and I always seal the deal with a hug pact.
Yeah, not gonna happen.
Look, we have you, me, and Bobby.
All we need is Travis' vote.
Mm.
The pact is sealed.
Go for Trav-tastic.
Yeah, I really answer the phone like that.
What? Balcony can Oh, I just love watching Bobby and Ellie on their pretend date.
They're so cute together.
You think Ellie and Andy are, like, for real? N-no, of course not.
I'm just so bored watching Tom and Jessica.
They're just shopping.
To the untrained eye, but to someone with a degree in gold diggery, I notice that she doesn't have her purse with her.
Oh, my God.
He's buying her everything.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, sure, she bends over, shows him Franklin and Bash, and out comes the gold card.
She's good.
Yeah, she's real good.
Jules? Kiss her, Bobby.
Kiss her.
- Jules.
- I'm back.
You know, I'd like to get a look inside that giant purse.
I bet she has her whole life in there.
I bet that purse is at Tom's house right now.
- Yes! - Yes! No.
Sometimes when we're together, it's like I blink, and suddenly things are totally out of control.
There.
We're in.
I feel good about this.
Wow.
Tom's place is amazing.
I could totally see myself doing a guy I'm not attracted to in this house.
Just find the damn purse.
Jules, now I know what "dirty naps" means.
What? Oh! Are you kidding? Are you kidding? Hey, you still have a kid? Yeah, yeah, that picture is from her christening.
I need a frame.
Hey, you're wearing your lie shirt.
We have rules.
No, we have rules.
Hit it, sidekick.
"Lie shirts, big spoons, and loud urination are all back.
Coasters are now optional, 'cause they're stupid.
" Dumb.
"And that is now the beer fridge.
" Change approved! How'd you get four votes? You turned my son against me, didn't ya? And you raised such a nerd, all it took was a pair of Incredible Hulk hands.
Incredible what? Hulk angry.
Hulk smash panini.
This is what happens when a boy is raised by Captain Caveman.
What are you doing? The first bite of someone else's dessert is always the best.
Give him a break.
Sharing food with your date is sweet.
I guess.
I did want to try the flan.
Back off, girl.
I just told you the first bite's the best.
It's not my fault you weren't playing defense.
That is it! So far you've eaten off my plate, picked your teeth with a knife, and used your pants, shirt, and tablecloth as a napkin.
The only time that you've said "excuse me" was to get my attention before you burped.
I didn't want you to miss it.
That baby was a table shaker.
That guy clapped.
Hey, baby.
You're hopeless.
You're never gonna get that second date, so as soon as you can accept that, your life's gonna be easier.
Women-- no live with them, no smash.
Sorry.
I can't find it anywhere.
Where do you hide a purse that big? Maybe we're inside it.
This is crazy.
We could go to jail.
Jail isn't that scary, especially since Crazy Chris taught us how to make nice with the Latin Kings.
I can't remember that handshake.
It had, like, 18 moves.
It's so simple.
Hand, pump.
Hand, pump.
Give one up.
One up.
Pour some out.
- Fake shake.
- Oh Homie hug.
See here? Uh, what are you doing in Tommy's house doing a Latin Kings shake? Um, I can answer that.
Laurie, blind her with your wine.
Gyah! It was mostly empty.
You've ruined my best dress.
I'm calling the police.
That's your best dress? I'm calling the police-- the fashion police.
I'm calling Tommy.
No, no, please don't do that.
We can work this out.
Please.
How's it going with you and Jelly? Are you keeping it under control? We may have taken a hostage.
You're going down, you little whores! Bye.
Let me out, you bitch! You know, nice language! Lady, you can forget about your bathroom bucket.
- I called in the cleaner.
- Let me out, you skank! I had to.
I understand we have a, uh, felony break in and a body in the closet.
Is that correct? All right.
Do what I say, and we'll get through this.
Jelly Bean, find that damn purse.
We can still prove she's a gold digger.
Jules, get a rag, wipe the place down-- tables, door knobs, anything you may have touched.
Get to work.
A "please" would be nice.
Come again? I said a "please" would be nice.
Get it straight, buster.
I'm not here to say "please.
" I'm here to tell you what to do.
If my help's not appreciated, best of luck, lady.
No, no.
I-I'm sorry, Miss Ellie.
Are you guys gonna kill me? No.
Jessica, that text you sent autocorrected to the word "kidnapped.
" Cleaner out.
Hey! Whoa.
What are you doing here? Think you can just crush my dad and walk away? Well, bad news, lady.
You're gonna have to answer to this guy.
Did you finally get visited by the nut sack fairy? - I'm not afraid of you.
- Why don't you come over here and say that? Because I don't want to.
All you dummies treat Bobby with such kid gloves.
Because it would be so much better if we were all just mean and hateful.
I love your dad.
He wants a nice, classy woman to spend his life with.
Trav, he's an unemployed guy who lives on a boat in a parking lot.
If every other aspect of his personality isn't top notch, do you think he's really gonna find that woman? Do you think he'll ever really be happy?! No, I don't! Was he really crushed? Yeah.
Shoot.
This psycho locked me in the closet and tied my hands.
Whoa.
Don't push me! - Oh! Oh! - O-okay.
Stop.
Stop.
Normally I'd be thrilled to have two gals fighting in my house.
Most of my cul-de-sac fan fiction starts like this.
Well, no one gets hog-tied and thrown in the closet, right? I should never read that stuff, should I? No.
We were just worried about you.
And Jessica was so into you so quickly that-- Right, 'cause a-a woman could never feel that way about me.
You should go.
Bye-bye, Jessica.
Don't let the door hit ya in your gold-digging ass.
No, Jules.
Uh, you.
What? Jules! I found it.
I walked past it four times.
I thought it was a beanbag chair.
Give me that! - No.
Oh! - Aah! All right.
Purse of a purse.
Yes.
This is your watch, Tom.
What? Why would your watch be in her purse, Tom? She's getting it fixed for me.
I guess we should go.
They hurt me.
Okay.
Ugh.
I feel horrible-- partly because of Tom, partly because I had three slices of chocolate cake and then an actual slice of chocolate cake.
I had a whole bottle of chocolate cake.
Oh.
Hey, guys, do you think we went too far with Tom? Sorry.
New rule.
- Shall we? - Mm.
- We - As husbands no longer have to respond to crazy-ass questions that you'd get mad at us for answering honestly, even though, deep down, you already know the honest answer.
That was actually pretty impressive.
Okay, don't say anything.
Just let me talk.
Even though I mean well, I know that sometimes I can be a little-- oh, please don't leave.
I'm only standing because there's a lady present.
Thank you.
Travis told me that you were just looking out for me.
You know I'm pretty damn charmin'.
You'd totally go out with me on a second date.
I know.
Are your hands clean? Nope.
There you are.
I tried calling.
Can you stop breaking into my house? You broke into my house.
That's different.
I have keys.
I never gave you a set of keys.
I-I stole 'em for emergencies.
Oh, um, I wasn't sure I'd get in the window, so that's Laurie on the roof.
Aah! - In heels.
- Oh.
Listen, um, we wanted to apologize.
Oh.
Almost died.
This saved me.
Thank you.
Where's Jessica? I kicked her out.
She was stealing my watch.
I was just too embarrassed to admit it.
I knew we were right! Dude! Homie hug.
Latin Kings, huh? How does everyone know that? Still, it was nice having someone pay attention to me, even if it wasn't real.
I get lonely sometimes.
I am so sorry.
It's okay.
It seemed like you were almost looking out for me.
Well, that's what friends do.
We look out for each other.
she's incredible I hope you find some friends.
Take care.
Oh, Tom, we're just kidding.
Come on! But she replied Hey, everyone.
Grab a spot.
- Inside? - Inside? Mm-hmm.
Oh, this is easily the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
Well, that makes me a little sad.
Why do I have to stand out here? It's your punishment for turning Trav against me.
Thank God Andy flipped back.
We had a hug pact.
You never hugged back! It's not official then, bud.
This is so fun.
I-I feel like I'm one of you guys.
Well, you are.
To Tom.
Welcome to the crew.
- To Tom! - Yeah! - Tom.
- Tommy boy.
E-train, I had a great time tonight.
I did, too.
Now do you promise you'll always give me the harsh truth? I promise.
Hug pact? Aw.
Aren't they just amazing together? I'm not entirely comfortable with this.
Oh, stop it.
You've fantasized about this, too.
Pfft.
I know.
Kiss him.
Kiss him.
Ouch, wow, wow.