Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s04e04 Episode Script

1 - Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - I still love you, Nathaniel.
REBECCA: We just don't have the same - priorities right now.
- Every time we're happy, you try to ruin it.
You don't have to be a lawyer.
There are other fields.
REBECCA: That's what happy looks like.
I'm thinking of calling it "Rebetzels.
" NAOMI: I'm sure you told your father at Tucker's seventh birthday party.
SILAS: I need to borrow some cash.
AKOPIAN: For his son's braces? Here is a check for Tucker.
Do you think I'm a bad mom? You're not the most attentive parent.
Can I get a tattoo? Just a small blueprint - of the local prison.
- Yeah, okay.
That's bad advice, Mom.
Brendan's my weed guy.
I'm thinking of that great song from the movie Slumbered.
In one indescribable instant The whole world falls away.
Love is finding your own path.
Oh, God.
I love her.
When you find the one you love, you should hold on tight.
I got to get her back.
Meet Rebecca She's coolest girl in the world Wait, wrong Rebecca It's this one over here She's spunky, she's sweet A generous friend Oh, but there she looks kind of mean Hmm, okay She's snarky, sarcastic And a What? You know, we're not really seeing A common theme Meet Rebecca She's too hard to summarize So, let's go back to other Rebecca.
I think I'm a fork.
Uh-oh! TUCKER: I hate you! You're the worst mom ever! (sighs) (sighs) REBECCA: Hey, Tucker.
It's your big sister Rebecca.
For your birthday, I got you a cool pair of limited edition Fett Regoso sneakers.
Hope you like them.
If you don't, feel free to sell them for drugs.
Ha, ha.
Kidding.
Don't do drugs.
I know this gift is out of the blue since we haven't seen each other since Grandpa Bobo's funeral years ago.
I'm sorry so much time has gone by.
I'm in a better place now and taking stock of my life.
I've been through a lot, but I've turned a corner.
And I hope someday we can get to know each other.
Whenever you're ready, I'm out here in L.
A.
No pressure.
Love, your sis, Rebecca Bunch.
P.
S.
Hope these sneakers make you truly happy.
(echoing): Happy, happy, happy (sighs) (Rebecca sighs) REBECCA: I sent him a card and gift.
Anyway, I'll probably never hear back from him, but I owed Tucker that letter.
You know, I really want to make things right with him.
If not now, then someday.
And he's kind of the last person in my life that I have unfinished business with, you know? Really? What about your mother? Your father.
Audra Levine Ooh! The professor whose house you almost burned down.
And I really think that we should circle back to Greg - at some point - Uh, yeah.
Hey, boys, your pretzels are fresh out of the oven.
We'll talk about that later, okay? Hey! Isn't this cool, guys? Our friend owns a pretzel stand.
- Uh-huh.
- It's fun, right? REBECCA: Yeah! What do you think, guys? Best ever? - It's fine.
- It's kind of dry.
- Hey.
- REBECCA: Tommy.
Uh, I love your Fett Regoso hat.
I'm a massive Fett Regoso fan.
Like, I've been a fan of his from the '90s.
And I'm so glad he's having a revival now, right? (sighs) I am so sorry, they are such lumps.
BRENDAN: Mom.
Come on.
Just give me the car keys.
Fine.
But drive safe.
Make sure you stop the car when you drop Tommy off.
A slow roll through the carpool lane doesn't cut it.
Okay.
Yeah, drive safe.
Or recklessly.
Whichever makes me cooler.
No, don't turn around.
This is too fun.
I'm sorry.
They should be nicer to you.
(sighs) It's I don't know, teenagers are tough.
Yeah, no, listen, it's a phase; you'll get through it.
You're a great mom and they're ultimately good kids.
Hmm, basically.
- I mean, Tommy's not the brightest - No.
and Brendan's an isolated loner, but I love them? - (laughs) All right, bye.
- Bye.
- BOTH: Mwah, mwah.
- PAULA: See you later.
You know, it's interesting.
When I was a teenager, my mother and I, we didn't connect at all.
She really only wanted to talk about her concerns, and I was too young to weigh in on vaginal rejuvenation.
Yeah, uh, I hear you.
Truth is, I don't talk about this a lot, but my mother and I have been estranged for You know, sometimes I just wish I could go back in time.
- And back to you, okay.
- And I would tell little Rebecca that it's all gonna be okay.
That, yes, people don't understand who she really is inside, but she's wonderful and special - and she's worth - CHILD: Hello? Excuse me.
Tucker? What are Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you're here! Hi! I got your card and your gift; I came to visit.
This is unbelievable.
Um, AJ, AJ! This is my little half brother No, no.
My whole brother.
This is my brother.
So, this is the spawn of your father's whore? - AJ.
- That's okay.
I've heard that before.
You said that to my face on my seventh birthday.
Yeah.
Right.
I'm the worst.
(chuckles) So, um, hey.
Is your mom here? Oh, she said she told you I was coming on my own.
She said she called you.
You didn't get her voice mails? Oh, God, I don't listen to voice mail, I'm sorry.
M-My outgoing message is.
"Seriously, don't," and then just beep.
Oh, no, I'm-I'm springing myself on you.
That is so rude.
I-I'll go home.
Tucker, stop.
You're not going anywhere.
This is great; this is amazing.
I don't even know where to begin, uh What's your favorite pretzel? You can have any pretzel you like.
I own the place.
I'm Rebetzel.
Wait.
This is your pretzel stand? I love pretzels! They're like a funky treat for teens.
Oh, my God, that's what I always used to say.
Really? Gasp.
Wait.
You say "gasp"? I say "gasp.
" BOTH: Gasp.
(gasps, chuckles) Whoa.
Okay.
We got a lot of catching up to do.
Let's just, let's get out of here.
AJ, you're in charge.
Think you can handle it? Um, yeah.
It's a pretzel stand.
I just flipped the cinnamons.
I'm good until 3:00.
Great.
Great, thanks.
So, you gave up being a lawyer completely.
Yeah, I mean, I give free legal advice at the county jail, but the job part I don't miss.
- So what do you want to do today ? - Hello, Rebecca.
Hey, hi, Nathaniel.
- I thought we were not - Please.
Please, I need to say something very important to you.
But first, little boy, move aside.
We have no money for your youth club overpriced candy.
No, this is my brother, Tucker.
- And he's in town for - I said - Please.
- For What? Look, I, Rebecca, I need to say this, okay? You and I belong together.
And that's just a fact.
- I love you; you love me.
- (sighs) The sooner you get used to it, I think the easier and better it'll be for everyone.
Look, yes, I still have feelings for you and you still have feelings for me.
But I just can't, okay? I'm with child.
You're ? No, I'm with a child.
I'm with a child, my brother, and he's my focus right now.
- But did you hear what I said? - (sighs) - I love you.
- I (scoffs) What else do I have to say to get you to take me back? I don't know.
I just don't, I don't know if you understand me.
- (scoffs) - Just-just go, go.
Go, Nathaniel.
- Okay? Just - Rebecca.
- Ciao, Nathaniel.
- What are you Ciao, bambino.
- (elevator dings) - (groans) TUCKER: Whoa, that guy is so in love with you.
He's very handsome, and was wearing a very expensive cologne, "Take Her," by Fett Regoso.
Which was discontinued in the '90s because of its problematic ad campaign and is now a collector's item.
How do you know that? I have a cologne collection.
I love you.
Tucker's gonna sleep on the couch.
So, your mom is just cool with you flying out here by yourself to visit a woman that you barely know? Yep.
Okay.
And what about your dad? 'Cause he and Rebecca aren't on the best terms.
Oh, my parents are divorced.
I only see him for a few weeks in the summer.
- He is - Garbage? I try not to use bad language, but you're right.
He is not great.
He never lets me do anything I want to do.
My summers with him are awful; he makes me work construction.
You see this callus? You poor thing.
I also have a Silas callus.
This is from 2005, building townhouses in Tucson.
Oh, my gosh.
Okay, sorry to break this up.
But have you checked in with your mom since you got here? Like, does she know you arrived safely? Oh, yeah, I texted her.
No, you know what? Heather's right.
I really should check in with your mom.
Sure, you can text her.
Text is best; she's so busy.
Oh.
Excuse me, where's your bathroom? Uh, it's right, uh, there.
(exhales heavily) - Okay.
- (phone dings) Hey, Marissa, comma, Rebecca Bunch here, comma.
Just letting you know Tucker got in safely and I'll take good care of him.
Also, thank you for ruining my family and my childhood Okay, just delete, delete, delete, delete.
Yeah.
You're right; I'm the adult now.
Okay, delete, delete, delete, send.
Okay, waiting dots.
Waiting dots already.
"Hope you guys have a great time.
" Look at that.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
(chuckles) Well, that's settled, then.
Oh, he's such a great kid.
And he really reminds me of myself at that age, you know? Hmm.
(chuckling) So, I need a paralegal to come on to the Yamamoto case.
It's huge.
Lots of hours, tons of overtime.
(gasps) Please! Sir, pick me.
I need all the overtime I can get to help with my student loans.
I'm also paying off my student loans.
Still? Are you saying I'm old? You said it; I don't disagree.
(sighs) I will make my decision this week.
It's between you two idiots.
Get out.
He's in a bad mood.
Yeah, he got Rebected again.
Oh, that's my term for when he gets rejected by Rebecca.
Spread it around; make sure I get credit.
I'm getting this case.
I always do.
As my Krav Maga trainer says, I'm a mitnakesh.
That's Hebrew for "killer," bitch.
Sir, I'd like to make a deal with you.
I get you Rebecca, you give me the Yamamoto overtime.
"Get me Rebecca"? How? (laughing): You don't want to know.
(chuckling): Do you know? No, no, no.
But, um, I will make it happen.
Great.
You do that, the case is yours.
All right.
- We're done.
- We're done, yes.
Could I have some sugar for my milk? No way.
You do that? I do that, too.
- BOTH: Twins.
Jinx.
Gasp! - (rhythmic knocking on door) Oh, um, that's a little surprise for you.
I'll just tell you, um, my best friend has some kids your age, so I thought we could all hang out.
- PAULA: Hi! - REBECCA: Hey! Oh, hi! You must be Tucker, I'm Paula.
Hello.
You're adorable.
(both laugh) And you look just like Rebecca.
And these are my boys.
(groans) Comatose and Lump.
Hello, nice to meet you.
- Hey.
- 'Sup, cuz? Okay, so what cool young thing should we all do today? Should we, uh, take a selfie? Make a meme? Get lit? Or should we (nasal): Yas, queen? Stop.
Okay, I got tickets for the new escape room at the mall.
- (both groan) - (Paula exclaims) Oh, my God, I've been wanting to go to that.
I thought it could be fun.
Oh, God, Paula, that-that's so sweet of you, it's just, I'm the littlest bit claustrophobic.
It kind of reminds me of the scariest movie, Panic Room.
No, no, no.
I used to be terrified of the Panic Room, too.
BOTH: Get out of my house! BOTH: Twins! Jinx! Gasp! (laughing): Wow.
Okay, well, you guys don't need us to have a good time.
So, I guess, I'll just take these screen zombies to the escape room.
(both groan) Maybe that'll breathe some life into them.
Okay, come on.
Let's go.
Get in the car.
- (both groan) - All right, we'll see you guys later.
- REBECCA: Okay.
- Bye.
Have the best time ever.
You know, if you ask me, you could learn a thing from Tucker Bunch; he's a beam of damn sunshine.
(exhales) Okay.
No biggie.
So what do you want to do instead? Well, I've never been to Los Angeles before.
Maybe there's some tourist stuff we could do? That's a great idea.
I actually haven't done any of the tourist stuff, either.
I mean, I only go to a few places and they're all in West Covina.
Whitefeather, Sugar Face, the boba place, Home Base, Paula's house, although usually it's just the kitchen.
Hey, I just had an idea.
How about the Hollywood - Walk of Fame? - Murder Tour Walk of Fame.
- We're not on the same page there - Oh, yeah.
but your idea's better; it's good for kids, yeah.
Great.
Let's do it.
I am dying, dying to see Monty Hall's star.
He's the original host of Let's Make a Deal.
Wow.
Well, that is a cool, vintage-y factoid.
Let's go to Hollywood Boulevard.
Yay.
I looked it up online, Monty's star should be right down there.
Hmm.
Huh, look at that.
I wonder what those boys are in line for? Maybe it's like a cool exhibit or something.
Oh, yeah.
Let's ask that boy and his mother.
Boy! Boy, why are you crossing? Why, don't you know? They're casting Peter Pan, the musical.
MOTHER: Darling, great.
But it's "Peet-ah", like pita bread, not "Peet-er" like Tater Tots.
BOY: Okay, sorry, Mother.
It's okay.
He takes notes amazingly.
Oh, an audition.
That sounds so fun.
When I was a kid, I would have killed to audition for, like, anything.
(sighs) I love musicals so much.
Really? - I love them, too.
- No way.
My favorite one is this obscure, off-brand, animated one.
You've probably never heard of it.
BOTH: Slumbered.
Get out of my house.
Twins! Jinx! Gasp! (squeals) Wait.
This is insane.
I-I've never met anyone else who loves the movie Slumbered.
Uh, what's your favorite song? I mean, it's obvious.
In one indescribable instant The whole world falls away In one indescribable instant You'll know just what to say In one indescribable instant Your heart will speak the truth 'Cause in that one indescribable Magical, mystical Endless, incredible instant I'll try to match you No, I was harmonizing Oh, okay, I'll go down a third You know, it's fine.
You finish it, it's fine.
The only words you'll need Are I love You Ooh Ooh Ooh.
Oh, my God.
That's my brother! My brother's a good singer.
And it's not just in his head.
Oh, my God.
We got to get you to that audition.
Oh, no.
I-I couldn't.
Yeah, yeah, but you want to, right? Well, I-I've never admitted it to anyone, but it would be a dream come true.
Come on.
We're gonna make you a star.
Yes.
(gasps) You are three noble knights who have been imprisoned in the lair of the evil king, Nestor Asgard.
Best of luck.
The clock starts now.
(laughs) Okay.
- (door closes) - Where do we start? Maybe with the chest with the giant, obvious keyhole? Mom, I don't want to do this.
I paid good money.
Shut up and participate.
Whatever.
Oh.
(laughs) Sweet, I found a key.
(gasps) Well done.
Don't look at me, I failed cursive.
I mean, who even reads these scribbles? What am I, Egyptian? I don't have my glasses.
Ah, give it to me.
I can read calligraphy 'cause of that renfaire girl I went out with.
- Oh, yeah.
Gwendolyn with the huge - What? Who? boobs.
You don't remember Gwendolyn? They dated for months.
Now Brendan and I go to renfaires every week.
Yeah.
- We're the Brothers Proctor.
- Wait.
No one told me any of this.
All of a sudden, I'm finding out about a secret girlfriend with giant boobs and you two willingly hang out with each other? Cool.
A secret compartment, awesome! - (both laughing) - Oh.
- Yeah! - My sons are strangers to me.
(indistinct chatter) (gasps) Oh.
Hello, there.
I have a young man who would like to tread the boards.
My little brother wants to audition.
Do you have an appointment? Yeah.
No appointment, no audition.
Listen, I understand you have to say that to most people, - but my brother is so talented.
- Ma'am.
- Please step aside.
- Is there some kind of problem? - Colin? - Oh, Rebecca.
Uh, what are you doing here? Why, I'm playing Cap'n Hook.
Oh.
Right, r-right.
Uh, yeah, love the costume.
Costume? What do you mean? I'm just togged up in my glad rags.
Sure.
Hey, so the last time I saw you I was very rude when we attempted to make that, um (whispering): you know, that sex tape.
(normal voice): Um, but, my little brother is so talented and it would mean the world to me if you could help him get an audition, please.
(door opens, closes) See you soon, Samantha.
Bye, Ben.
Your young lad will be hard-pressed to beat young Ben Blackthorne over there.
Can you do the accent, son? (British accent): Yes, sir, I believe I can.
I believe I could do a smashing job.
Hmm.
Tucker.
That was excellent.
Oh, my God.
My word, you are a talent, son.
After all, accents is acting.
Hmm.
(sighs) Samantha, are you sure we can't fit in one more lil' urchin? For you, Colin? Get in there, kid.
Off you go.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
(laughs) - Break a leg.
Break a leg.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(laughs) Oh, I can't listen.
I got to pace, I got to pace.
(exhales) (mouthing words) Oh, wow.
(chuckles) I already signed in, so Aha.
Tucker Bunch.
Little brother has big dreams.
Wants to be Peter Pan got it.
Hello there.
And you are ? My name is Tucker Bunch.
I hail from Santa Fe, New Mexico, and I'm here for one thing only.
Hit it! Every night I lie awake Dreaming of my big break I just gotta act and dance and sing 'Cause I only ever wanted one thing I wanna be a pre-teen Hollywood train wreck A cautionary tale I want the kind of fame that'll warp my brain And eventually land me in jail I wanna sue my parents for emancipation After they get caught stealing from me I wanna be on the set of The Walking Dead When I lose my virginity I wanna be a child star It's gonna be bad Child star! It's gonna be sad, oh, yeah Childhood is overrated I'm ready for mine to end I want to have agents and assistants Instead of actual friends I'll be abusive and emotionally stunted (girls shrieking) But everyone will tolerate me They'll have no choice because my face and my voice Makes them all so much money I want to have a teenage Hollywood meltdown Be a pop culture casualty I want a bunch of addictions to illegal prescriptions And completely lose touch with reality I want to squander everything I've worked for And spiral out of control I want to wake up in Van Nuys With a bunch of sketchy guys I've never even met before I want to be a Child star! Who are you guys? Child star! Can I have some more money? Oh, baby, I've hit rock bottom.
I can't live like this.
It's time to get my act together.
Refocus on my passion.
I want to be a desperate Hollywood has-been A classic "Where are they now?" I'll try to clean up my act and get my agent back And salvage my reputation somehow I'll do a lot of community service And apologize to Meryl Streep I want to be that former child star That you'll see in bars And say, "Hey, there's that bloated, bankrupt creep" Child star! And now, my song.
Thank you.
The - What? - Oh, I've heard enough.
Thank you.
(sighs) They wouldn't let me finish.
- What? - I don't know why.
Well, did you ask if you could just sing again? I asked.
I asked if I could try again, and they said, "Thank you.
" And we know what that means.
That means "Screw you.
" Miss, I'm so sorry to bother you, but my little brother did not get a fair shot in there.
I mean, he's so talented.
Can you please ask the director if he can just sing again? I am the director.
Oh, right.
It's the theater.
You have female directors.
Auditions are over! Thank you.
(crowd chatter, child groans) Don't "thank you" me.
You can go "thank you" yourself.
I ruined it.
I ruin everything.
I Hey, hey, hey, stop that.
Please don't say that stuff.
You are wonderful and special.
(muttering) Hey, Colin, over here.
Rebecca, is that you? Yes, I just saw you.
We had a full conversation.
Listen, where did the director go? Probably her hotel.
It's right there.
Okay.
Thanks.
Let's go.
Come on.
(sighs) Okay, this seems a little crazy, but no, no, I can justify this to myself, because I love my brother.
Huh? What? Nothing.
Shh.
Okay, we're here.
(whispers): All right.
Get ready.
(sighs) Room service.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no.
Just-just wait a second.
Wait a second.
Sing, Tucker.
Sing.
Just start singing.
What ? - In one indescribable instant - (Rebecca whispers) No.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
What is wrong with you? This is insane.
You are a terrible mother.
Huh? No.
I'm not a mother.
You're wrong.
I'm actually an older half-sibling who's just trying to make up for lost time to her younger half-sibling, which, to be fair, I had some mental health issues.
I have borderline personality disorder, but I'm better now, and just, he's so talented! I don't care about your back story.
Besides, the part has already been cast.
But Ugh.
I'm sorry, buddy.
We tried.
Let's go before she calls the police.
Oh, thank God.
Are you my masseur? Come on in.
You won't believe the day I've had.
No, no.
I-I'm here to tell you you're making a big mistake.
You need to cast that delightful Tucker Bunch.
What is it with people and Tucker Bunch? The kid started his audition with a speech about how he wants to be a star at any cost.
He is a troubled child actor, and he hasn't even booked anything yet.
Now go away.
Thank you.
Look, okay, I-I need this.
Back story my boss wants to date Tucker's sister.
You give Tucker the part, I take credit for it with my boss, he takes credit for it with Tucker's sister.
It's a simple transaction, everyone wins! (sighs) REBECCA: Okay, let me just get this bellhop shirt off.
Hey, I got to pee.
I'll be right back.
PAULA: So who else have you dated? What other themed festivals have you guys gone to? Mom, can we just play the game? I'm kind of into it now.
We need to find the chalice.
Okay.
Ooh.
(mutters) These gems have letters on them.
I think these need to be arranged in some kind of order.
Hey, well, here's an "N" and an "R," and there's 12 holes.
"Nestor Asgard" has 12 letters.
- Okay, just - Nestor.
Okay.
tell me why I don't know about a major thing in my son's life.
Maybe because all you ever ask us is whether our homework is done and whether our underwear is clean.
Yeah, so? Is it? No, because I don't like washing my underwear too much because of the environment.
You think about the environment? Since when? Since I became a vegetarian, which is, of course, the best way to reduce your carbon footprint.
Oh, my God.
I don't know anything about my children.
Nothing.
Because we're not children anymore, Mom.
- I'm a grown-ass man.
- And I'm a grown-ass boy.
(gasps) Nestor Asgard isn't working.
Oh, don't look at me.
I know nothing, apparently.
What have you done to get the Yamamoto case? I think my work speaks for itself.
Hmm.
Okay, I-I-I I see what you did there.
Uh, you worked hard, but I worked smart.
I tried to get Rebecca's brother the lead in Peter Pan Sunil! How is that relevant? Thank you.
Yes, exactly.
Would you give us a minute, Mrs.
Hernandez? Hmm? I'm really sorry for overstepping, sir, by interfering in Rebecca's personal life.
That would've been fine if it had worked, but you got nowhere with Rebecca? Technically, no, but I did find out some more info.
She has a brother, and he's here.
Already knew that.
Get out.
Okay, did you know that she's desperate to please him? And he's obsessed with her.
I saw him reading her old diary.
I mean, like, flipping through it, studying it.
I'm like, "Respect her privacy.
It says 'Keep out'.
" Oh, you are so dumb, Sunil.
- I need that diary.
- Why? Because she says I don't understand her, and you just told me there's a book with all that info in there.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
(laughing): Which is why I told it to you, and why you should give me the Yamamoto case.
Nice try.
Mrs.
H, you got Yamamoto! - (Hernandez whooping) - (chuckles) Whatever.
Whatever.
Okay, that diary is probably meaningless.
She's a grown-ass lady.
I'm sure she's changed.
Oh, my sweet, sweet, simple, stupid Sunil.
No, she hasn't changed, okay? I love Rebecca, but she's basically a dramatic teenager.
(both groaning) My life is over.
What am I gonna do? My dreams are dead! Tucker, come on.
No, they're not.
I'm sorry I got you into that whole auditioning thing, but it was a whim.
Hey, come on.
Let's do something else.
Let's go the beach! Huh? It's only two hours away.
We can go rollerblading in the bike lane.
I have rollerblades I've never used.
I-I got them when I first moved here to impress this guy.
It's a whole thing.
Rollerblading I don't know.
Um, actually, um, could I see them? I've only read about them.
- I've never seen a pair in real life.
- Really? I'm gonna get them.
(sighs) I don't have much time.
What do you want? What are you doing here? Listen, little boy, you took something that doesn't belong to you, and now it's time for you to give the thing that doesn't belong to you to me.
What? The diary.
I want the diary.
Look, I love your sister.
I just think I need to understand her better.
I think that's what she wants, too.
It's very sweet, and you know it will work like a charm.
I've been using it for days.
How do you think I get that puppet to dance? I give it to you, what do I get? What do you want? I want Pan.
Hmm.
TOMMY: Wait.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I I got it.
It's an anagram.
Rearrange the letters in "Nestor Asgard" to form "Dragon's Tears," you know, the potion that saves the kingdom.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
- (Paula gasps) - (game trills) - (boys chuckle) - Oh, my God, it worked! Tommy's smart.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
- (thunder crashing) - (shrieks) - (fanfare plays) - (laughs) - (laughs) - Wow.
I thought you guys were just dead weight slowing down the minivan, but I was wrong.
Gee, big compliment, Mom.
- (laughs) - (plays fanfare) - Oh.
- TRISTAN: Hear ye, hear ye.
You have completed your noble quest.
You have saved the kingdom.
- (laughs) - Prepare to be knighted - and have your photo taken over there for our website.
- Oh.
Okay.
Here.
Take it, take it, take it.
Please tag us.
Please Yelp us.
Please kill me.
Can you get closer? Come on, come on.
Closer.
Come here.
Oh.
Okay.
(sighs) You know what? I think we might be on our way.
- That's not what he meant, Mom.
- (chuckles) REBECCA: Oh, my God, that took forever.
I have not sorted through my closet in years.
I found this old Fett Regoso hoodie.
It's practically a collector's item.
Tucker? Have you seen Tucker? - Uh, no.
- (door opens) Where were you? Oh, uh, I-I was just outside.
Um thinking about puberty.
Yeah.
I still think about it, too.
- (phone ringing) - Oh! Oh, thank God.
Hello? Yeah, this is Rebecca Bunch.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious? Are you thanking with me right now? Wow.
What? What? That was Angela, the director.
She said she had a change of heart, and - you're Peter now.
- What? Oh, my gosh.
(chuckles): What a whirlwind.
You got the part! This is unbelievable.
We have to celebrate.
Should we go get a funky treat for teens? Yeah! Yeah, let's go get a Rebetzel.
Huh.
(elevator bell dings) Oh.
Hey, Rebecca.
I didn't realize you were here.
I-I'll give you your space, so I'll go.
Wait, um I want to say something, and then I'll leave you alone.
I won't forgive myself if I don't say it.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Rebecca, look, I know I've made mistakes.
Bad ones.
And I realize I've been going about this all wrong, but you have to know you are the only thing that makes me happy.
(exhales) When I'm not with you, my heart aches.
I feel like I've lived in a quiet forest my whole life, and then you showed up, and the world starts to sing.
I love you, plain and simple.
You've awakened my heart and unlocked my soul.
Oh, my God, that is so sweet.
That is so sweet.
What a great guy.
Nathaniel you memorized the ending speech from the movie Slumbered? Hmm? Yeah.
Yes.
That's-that's exactly what I did.
I-I know you love that movie so much, so I watched it last night.
You what? Yeah, I-I, uh I streamed it.
No, you did not.
It's in the vault.
You can't stream it.
I mean, I should know.
I've written the company countless amounts of letters.
How did you even know I like that ending speech? I mean, I've thought about it.
I fantasized about it.
I used to think about the way my dream man would say that to me.
Well, that's it.
You've mentioned it.
No.
No.
No, I didn't.
I don't I don't tell people that.
I've actually never told anyone that because it's it's silly and embarrassing.
I mean, it's not even a well-written speech.
Well I mean, the only thing I ever told was my diary.
I used to write it over and over in my diary.
It was him.
He stole it.
He flew to New Mexico and stole your diary from behind the toilet at Dad's house.
Okay.
He What an invasion.
Not surprising, coming from someone that wears that offensively titled Fett Regoso cologne.
What, Nathaniel, you just thought you could "Take Her"? - Well, I'm taking her away from you.
- Oh.
Oh, you paid the director for him to get the part, didn't you? (chuckles) Wow.
How much did that set you back? A lot.
A lot.
I-I thought that we were gonna get back together.
- That's why I did it.
I - Tucker? Hey.
Wait in the back.
I'll deal with you in a second.
You I'm gonna deal with now.
- Dude.
- I-I know.
I It's bad.
Okay, but what was I supposed to do? I-I thought that we would get back together, and we would look back on this and laugh.
(chuckles) You know what, Nathaniel, I get it.
You love me.
Loud and clear.
But the way you show your love is so messed up.
(sighs) I mean, you just now tried to manipulate me, and you manipulated a child.
Oh, if anyone manipulated anyone, it was him who manipulated me.
So you're-you're blaming a 13-year-old for your actions? No.
It's inexcusable.
You know what, I was wrong.
It's not that you don't know who I am.
It's that we're not right for each other, and we never will be.
All we do when we're together is scheme and cheat and lie.
I am bad for you, and you are bad for me.
So you know what? We are done.
We're not on a break, not thinking about it.
We're done.
Please go.
(sighs) So, does your mom even know you're here? No.
She thinks I'm with Dad.
And you just came here for the audition? I-I really wanted to get to know you, really.
The audition just happened to be here.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
(sighs) But Tucker, why did you lie? Why didn't you just tell me you wanted to come to L.
A.
for an audition? I mean, you could have trusted me.
Trust you? You've ignored me all my life.
And no adult has ever understood me.
Ever.
But you know how similar we are.
Oh.
(sighs) So all those similarities we had, those were just things you stole from my diary? It started out that way.
I was just saying all the things you said in the diary.
I never watched Slumbered, - and I think milk with sugar in it is gross.
- Mm.
But we are the same.
Just t-tell me you'll forgive me.
Oh, my God.
I'm a horrible, stupid, dumb, ugly, fat, stupid Tucker, you don't have to keep quoting my diary.
What? That's not in the diary.
That's just how I feel.
All the time.
- Really? - Yes.
That's finally the truth.
Yeah, Tucker, I need your mom's number.
The real one this time.
She hates me now.
Nah, no.
I don't think she does.
(door closes) (exhales) So, I talked to your mom.
Uh, and she was upset.
But glad you're safe.
And then we talked about some other stuff, and she agreed that when you get home, she's gonna find you a good therapist.
That's what I needed when I was your age.
You think I need therapy? Oh, no, I know you need therapy.
And then I called Dad.
Oh, no.
And this summer, he's sending you to theater camp.
What? Wait, really? He'd never do that.
- I talked him into it.
- (sighs) Also, I'm paying for the theater camp, and I'm also paying to replace you at the construction site this summer, 'cause he is literally the worst person.
Neither here nor there.
Anyway, Tucker, but you can't do Peter Pan.
It's just not right, you know? You lied and schemed to get it.
You didn't earn it.
But that's how show business works, right? That is true.
Yes.
But it's just no way to live your life.
So, uh, you're gonna go home soon.
Okay.
So do you hate me now? No.
Hey, no.
I love you.
I love you, too.
- Jinx.
- Jinx.
But before you go home, there is something we need to do.
Okay.
I kept a VCR just for this movie.
All right, so, I recorded it from TV, so there are some commercials.
Take Her.
Take Her, by Fett Regoso.
Here we go.
- (overture playing) - Ooh.
(sighs) Does the animation get better? Oh, no.
VOICES: Take her.
FETT REGOSO: When you see what you want, take her.
Take her.
Take her.
Take her.
Take her.
No matter what she says, turn that no into a yes.
Take No, sorry.
Cut, cut, cut.
MAN: Cut.
Take five.
Guys, I'm not sure about this.
Something doesn't feel right.
You're right.
You're right, it's all wrong.
The women should be naked.
The men need bigger boots.
No, I just don't think this is gonna age well.
No offense.
This is kind of why I wanted a female director.
(laughing): In television? I love this guy.
I love it.
Let's take it from the top!