Curb Your Enthusiasm s04e04 Episode Script

There.
There we go, Larry.
Let me get this cotton out for you and you'll be ready for Dr.
Funkhouser.
Thank you, Delilah.
- Hey, Saul.
- How you doing? Feeling all right? - How are you? - Uh, lost a crown.
Sorry about last time.
You're not gonna throw up this time.
- I swear.
- I hope not.
Why didn't you tell me that you're allergic? - I can't do the gas.
It makes me sick.
- Go "ah.
" - What's this? - We have to do this.
It's insurance.
- Open up.
- You're taking a picture of my mouth? Wide, open up wide.
That's very, very angry and red today.
But I think it's gonna be fine.
By the way, it was very nice of you to RSVP for my uncle Leo's testimonial.
How could I miss his testimonial? I've got people coming from Russia.
- Really? - A cousin coming from Russia.
I don't see him playing golf anymore.
Does he still play? - My uncle Leo, he's no spring chicken.
- Yeah, I know.
Sometimes he's feeling like he could do it, and sometimes he doesn't want to embarrass himself.
- Roll up and we'll do this.
- What's going on here? It's a little sedative.
You can't take the gas, this is the alternative.
Roll up the sleeve and we'll do it.
Come on, come on, come on.
You afraid of the needle? No, you know what? I'm just concerned that if I roll it up, it's gonna lose its elasticity.
You see how it kind of clings to the wrist now? They call it an elastic cuff for a reason, 'cause it snaps back.
You'd think it would, but it's not like a sock.
A sock snaps back.
You can wear a sock No, socks are cheap, they don't snap back.
- It takes more than once - Believe me, on very few subjects I'm a expert on, and I'm an expert on elastic.
All right, you know what, Larry? If you're that concerned about it, just take it off.
- Then you don't have to worry about it.
- Okay.
Excuse me, Mr.
Sherman is on the phone.
- Talk to him.
I'm with a patient.
- He needs to talk to you.
- Why? - Root canal.
He's called three times.
Okay, fine.
You know what? We're gonna roll this right up - because I haven't got the time.
- I was gonna take it off.
I have people with real problems in there and I have to do this now.
I have an hysteric on the phone, I have people in the waiting room, and this is enough already! It's enough.
Know what I'm saying? Five minutes, you're gonna feel fine.
- What line is it? - Line one.
Oh, great.
Look, he ruined the shirt.
Look at this cuff.
And it's flopping all over the place.
Look at that.
- What's with him? - He's not himself right now.
His uncle has Hodgkin's.
Yeah, but it's the good Hodgkin's.
I didn't know there was a good Hodgkin's.
I'm not saying it's a great Hodgkin's.
It's a good Hodgkin's.
- I'll get it.
- Hey, Pop.
- Mmm? - Do me a favor, okay? Next time you use the bathroom, make sure to keep the seat down.
What are you, pussy-whipped? It's not really about her, it's about me.
- I pee sitting down.
- How long you been doing that? Well, it started because I was getting up to go at night sometimes and I didn't feel like putting the light on, so I would sit down, and then I, you know, I got very comfortable with it.
Comfortable with a man doesn't do that.
- A man stands up to pee.
- I like to sit down, and I don't want to wind up in the toilet because you're keeping the seat up.
Keep it down.
You stand like a person.
I'm very upset with this.
This is crazy.
You know what Winston Churchill said? Why stand when you can sit? Have you ever heard that expression? No, I never heard that.
But I don't think he meant the toilet.
Do you want me to get those glaucoma drops for you at the drugstore? Yes, I'm just about out of them.
- Pick up the drops for me.
Thank you.
- Okay.
Larry, so that was Susie.
Um, they're having a dinner party on Friday.
Because of the Funkhouser testimonial, they're having a little, you know, dinner party with Marty Funkhouser and Ann and they have their cousins coming in from Russia, so And Ted Danson will be there with Mary.
Oh, okay.
Ted asked us to take care of his dog.
They're going out of town for a couple of days, so I said okay.
- Us? - Oh, you're not gonna do anything? It's just gonna be me? Okay, fine.
- I like dogs, I'm very happy to do it.
- Okay, you do that.
Look what this dentist did to my shirt today.
- What happened? It's all stretched out.
- Yeah, I know.
No matter where I sit at these dinner parties, it always seems like every conversation is more interesting than the one I've having.
Right.
Except when you're sitting next to me.
No, it still feels that way.
What are you doing? what have you got, the mail? Yeah, I grabbed it on the way out.
Oh, a bill from Dr.
Funkhouser.
- Already? - Wonder if Saul's gonna be there? He didn't mention anything about it.
I just saw him.
I can't believe he already sent a bill.
That was fast.
He needs his money.
Eeew, aaah! - Oh! - Oh my God.
- What are you, crazy? What's going on? - What is that? "Here's a copy of the picture of your tooth for insurance purposes"? - My tooth? That's my tooth? - Oh my God! - That's in your mouth?! - What are they sending it to me for? Why didn't they send it to the insurance company? I don't need that! My God! This is great.
You came from Russia for your uncle's testimonial? - His favorite uncle.
- Favorite uncle, huh? It's nice.
You get to see your cousin Marty, right? He loves Marty.
I like talking through a translator.
It's fun, yeah.
I wish I could do this with my wife.
What's with the bare feet? It's more comfortable this way.
Feels like at home.
Oh, yeah? Where did where do you where do you buy your glasses, - in France? - Los Angeles.
- Can he try it on? - You know what? I don't really like people trying my glasses on.
- Just for one minute.
- I'd rather not.
I'm a little uncomfortable with it.
- He's a guest here, so, like - I understand, but that doesn't mean I need him to try on my glass no, no, nyet! No! What are you doing? No! Nyet! Okay.
This Russian is nuts.
He just grabbed for my glasses.
- Out of nowhere? - He wanted to try them on.
I said I don't like when people try my glasses on.
- He just grabbed for them? - Yeah.
And what's with the no shoes? Great, I have to have dinner and look at his disgusting feet all night? They'll be under the table.
- Where's Ted and Mary? - Movie premiere.
They couldn't make it.
Oh, too bad, too bad.
It would've been nice to have him here.
Instead of all these Funkhousers.
Yeah, it's chock full of Funkhousers.
Jeffrey, I need you in the kitchen, honey.
Oskie, come here, boy.
Come here, boy.
Yeah.
Who's a good boy? Yeah, he's a good boy.
Oh, what a good boy.
Yeah, good boy.
Enjoying the dog? Dinner's served.
And he's gonna take care of Ted's dog.
Very good.
You can stay up till 10:00, young lady.
- Hi, Larry.
- Hi, Sammi.
Maybe you should take your shoes off like that guy.
Take my shoes off like that guy? I don't think so.
- You could be twins.
- I don't want to be twins with him.
Oh, no, come on, Sammi.
What are you doing? Sammi, Sammi, come on! Give me that sneaker.
Sammi! Hey, Lar, you ever hear of Denta Friend? - Denta Friend? No.
- It's a new sonic toothbrush that would really get rid of your plaque.
What are you talking about, get rid of my plaque? I don't have plaque.
My cousin's hygienist told me you had plaque.
Your cousin's hygienist told you I have a lot of plaque? What's the big deal? Plaque is not a serious disease.
First of all, number one, I don't have any plaque.
Number two, she shouldn't be talking about it.
That's a breach of patient/hygienist confidentiality.
There is no patient/hygienist confidentiality.
- You're so wrong.
- It's unethical.
Maybe not legally like a doctor or a lawyer, but it's unethical is what he's saying.
It's totally unethical.
And I don't have any plaque.
- Do I have an electric toothbrush? - He has.
- How often do I floss? - At least twice a day.
Tell him I don't have any plaque.
Did you tell him that? - You have plaque.
- You want to have a plaque contest? - Anytime you want.
- Anytime you want.
- Let's have a plaque contest.
- Fine, you want to? Challenge me, just like you do in golf.
By the way, that tip remember the tip I gave you at Ben Stiller's house? - Have you tried it? - Best tip I ever got.
- Fantastic tip? - Hold it, hold it.
I've got a tip that will save your game.
Change it.
It's the easiest thing the weatherman gave it to me.
Weatherman gave you a good golf tip? I played with him two weeks ago and it's changed my entire game.
- And it is so simple.
- Really? What is it? - Lock your hands this way.
- Which? Okay.
- Instead of bringing your hands back like this - Right.
You start the rotation Sammi! Sammi! What is it? What? What? What is that? What is this? Oh, it's disgusting.
- What the hell is this? - Hey, wait a second.
- What is - That's a picture of my tooth.
- The dentist took it for insurance.
- Where did you get that? - It just fell out of Larry's jacket.
- Fell out of my jacket? What are you leaving stuff out like that for? What are you bringing that into a person's house for? She took the mail into my car.
- Why would you bring it in their house? - Disgusting, Larry.
- She went through my pocket.
- You know what? I think we're gonna leave.
We had a great time.
- Thank you very much.
- I'm sorry about this.
- See you at the testimonial.
- I was getting a crown.
- That's all, and - Goodbye.
Thanks.
She shouldn't have been going through the papers.
- It's disgusting.
- It is disgusting, believe me.
I think we're gonna leave.
- I'm not feeling very well.
- What, you're not well? - No, I had too much cake.
- Oh.
Oh, um, I need my uh, my sneaker.
- Larry, now is not the time, okay? - Okay.
You can go home without your sneaker.
You have more sneakers at home.
- Your sock might get dirty.
- Sammi, where's my Larry! It's okay.
You're gonna be okay.
She could have told me where the sneaker was.
It's not that hard.
"In the closet," three words.
One word"closet.
" How about that? And how about that hygienist? It's like, if you go to a prostitute and the prostitute goes around telling everybody you got a small penis.
Not that I've ever been to a prostitute.
Not that I have a small penis.
You plunk down $300 for a hooker, expect her to keep her mouth shut.
I'm only guessing $300.
What do I know? What? My stomach is killing me.
I am never gonna eat at their house again.
I swear, I don't know what Susie does when she cooks, but it's awful.
Yeah, it was really pretty bad, wasn't it? Oh my God, it was so bad.
I was trying to make myself throw up.
- That's how bad it is.
- Oh, God, poor thing.
Oh, just feel like I need Oh, quiet quiet.
The weatherman's on.
By the beaches it is a bit cool, around 70°.
But tomorrow's forecast, folks, I'm sorry to say it, it is rain.
thundershowers, the big ones, folks, all day.
So for you golfers out there, better find something else to do.
I know I'll be watching that "Godfather" trilogy.
Jennifer, Stu, back to you.
- Hello? - Hey.
- You listening to this? - Yeah, I just saw it.
Listen - I'm not gonna play.
- What? Come on, it's gonna rain.
He's only saying it's gonna.
We don't know for sure.
He's only saying? It's his job.
It's gonna rain.
Let's wake up in the morning and at least talk on the phone and see No, I'm gonna stay home with Sammi.
- What? - No, she's having a tough night and I just think it'd be better if I stayed home with her tomorrow.
He's not right all the time, you know? Well, he's right most of the time.
- And it's gonna rain tomorrow, okay? - Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
What?! What happened, Larry? I fell in the toilet.
Did you leave the seat up? Oh, I guess I did when I tried to throw up.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, you gotta keep the seat down, Cheryl! Is that too much to ask, to keep a seat down?! Soaking wet.
I hurt my back.
Soaking wet.
What's wrong? My back, oh.
What a lousy night's sleep.
Man! Cheryl, it's beautiful out.
Jeff canceled golf because the weatherman predicted rain.
Well, sometimes they're wrong, Larry.
Predicts rain, doesn't rain.
It's not the first time this has happened.
Cheryl, something fishy's going on here.
What if the weatherman predicts it's gonna rain just so he can keep people off the golf course and have it for himself? What do you think of that theory? - I think it's ridiculous.
- Really? Do you? Mm-hmm.
Something about that weatherman I don't trust.
I don't like that weatherman.
He's a very slick weatherman.
Sounds like you're really onto something.
I'm gonna go to that golf course.
I want to check something out.
Get my cane.
Oh, brother.
Hey, Chuck.
Hey, how's it going, Larry? Not bad.
How's it looking out there? It's wide open, man.
Hardly anybody out there.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Probably has something to do with that weather forecast.
You know what? Probably does.
Huh.
- Have you seen the weatherman? - Yes, matter of fact, there he is with Dr.
Funkhouser, coming up on the ninth hole.
What do you know? So, uh, what's with the cane? Fell in the toilet.
- Hey, Lar.
- Hey, Larry.
What's going on? - Beautiful day, huh? - Yeah, great day for golf.
- What's up? - I was supposed to play today.
- Really? - Then Jeff called me and canceled because of your weather report about thundershowers.
- He made a mistake, so what? - I said thundershowers? - Yeah, yeah.
- Oops.
- Oop.
- Okay, nice to see you.
- Too bad for me.
Too bad for me.
- Take care.
I don't quite get your point.
All right, weatherman, I'm gonna tell you my point.
I've got a sneaking suspicion that you're predicting rain to clear the golf course for yourself.
- Oh my God, come on.
- That's ridiculous.
Ridiculous? Ridiculous? It's happened before, weatherman.
You know it.
You know what? I'm calling the weather people on you.
You're gonna report me because it's a nice day? I'm gonna report you because every time you want to play golf, - you make sure that it's raining.
- First of all, I'm not a weatherman, I'm a meteorologist.
- I'd appreciate a little respect.
- Oh, excuse me, Doctor.
Can you guys just calm down? We're in the middle of a game.
- Larry? - Yes.
There's a low pressure system sitting out over the coast.
The jet stream brings that into this area.
The jet stream is controlled by the rotation of the earth.
- You know who controls that? God.
- There's a jet stream of bullshit coming out of your mouth.
- You are busted, buddy.
- Stop pointing with the cane.
You're busted! Yeah, Dr.
Funkhouser, I'd appreciate it next time, don't roll up my sleeve if I request you not to.
- Look at what you did to my shirt.
- What did I do? - It's not clinging anymore.
- It's not clinging? It's not clinging to the wrist the way it's supposed to.
Fine, okay.
You know what? - And one more thing, okay? - What? - Don't take any pictures of my mouth.
- What are you talking about? You almost gave my wife a heart attack and you traumatized a little girl! - What? - Hey, Walter Brennan! "The barn's on fire! The barn's on fire!" I'm turning you in, weatherman.
Hey, Larry, what happened to you, buddy? Fell in the toilet.
What do you mean? Cheryl left the toilet seat up.
I fell in.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What, did you hurt yourself? - Yeah, I hurt my back.
- I shouldn't be laughing.
- That's all right.
- It's funny, I guess.
- Well, no.
I mean Hey, you know, it's good that I ran into you.
Mary and I were talking this morning, and, uh, what we decided to do is we're gonna go ahead and board - Roxy, our dog.
- What? I know you offered to take care of her, but, uh, I just think it's better to put it into a kennel.
It's a small dog.
Wouldn't be much fun anyway.
I was kind of looking forward to it.
I like dogs.
Yeah yeah.
I just think I just think, you know, maybe next time or something.
But I really appreciate the offer.
I do.
Thank you.
That was sweet of you.
- Talk to Susie today by any chance? - Yeah.
I talked to her this morning.
I had to apologize for not being at the party last night.
She mention anything about, uh, last night? Yeah, she was kind of miffed that we didn't call.
We had to go someplace else.
We were supposed to be there, but why? - No reason.
- Oh.
All right, I'm going to go hit some hit some balls.
I'll see ya.
Yeah, see ya.
- Hey.
- Came for my sneaker.
All right.
What happened to you? - I fell in the toilet.
- How'd you fall in the toilet? I went to go pee and the seat was up.
- What does that have to do with you? - I pee sitting down.
- You pee sitting down? - Yeah.
Have you ever tried it? - No! - It's more comfortable.
When you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up.
- And you get to read.
- What are you reading? - I'm reading a lot of stuff.
- What stuff? If I pee 20 times during a day, - I get through the "New York Times.
" - 20 times? When you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something.
What makes you think I'm peeing over my shoe? Just get my sneaker.
- I don't need to discuss this.
- Jeffrey, who's there? - Larry.
- Carmelita, put Oscar in the bedroom and close the door.
- Hey.
- Hi, Lar.
Get this, the weatherman is a total fraud.
He predicts thundershowers so nobody will show up and he'll have the golf course to himself.
I just came from there, he's playing with your cousin.
- Why do you pee sitting down? - Many reasons.
You crap standing up? By the way, you left last night.
You were about to give me the weatherman's tip - and you never gave it to me.
- I can't.
He just called me and said, "Don't give it to Larry.
" What an asshole.
- He's not an asshole.
- He is an asshole.
The fuck happened to you? Cheryl got nauseous from your dinner last night and she left the toilet seat up, and then I went to pee and fell in the toilet.
- She didn't get sick from my dinner.
- How are you feeling? - I'm not feeling great.
- Marty, you're never feeling great.
- And let me ask you a question.
- What? Did you talk to Ted Danson today? Yeah, he called to see how the party went.
'Cause I was supposed to take care of his dog and then suddenly he told me I didn't need to.
- Mm, I wonder why.
- Yeah, I wonder.
I'll get your sneaker.
Marty, let me ask you a question.
Does your father have good Hodgkin's? Oscar ate it.
Well, I am the good news-bad news kid.
The good news is, folks, that wonderful weather we've been enjoying all week in the whole Los Angeles basin, that's going to continue tonight and all day tomorrow, Saturday.
If you're going to the Leo Funkhouser testimonial, I'll see you there.
We're gonna have a wonderful day and Leo, nobody deserves this more.
But the bad news is, we have a cold weather front that's gonna push in around midnight Saturday night.
We're gonna have thundershowers all day Sunday and they're gonna continue all the way into Monday.
Folks, don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger.
All right, back to you.
I'm not dressed appropriately for this.
- I think you're fine.
- What are you doing? - These are name tags.
- Name tags? Okay.
What for? - Everybody wears name tags.
- What? - Thank you.
- Hi.
Hi, Cheryl.
- Hi, Saul.
- What's happening? - Just putting on our name tags.
- Name tags? Yeah, everybody's wearing a name tag.
- What's wrong? - I gotta wear a name tag? You're a little too sophisticated to wear a name tag? No, it has nothing to do with that.
It's my jacket.
If I put this on, it's gonna leave little paper remnants.
- It's gonna ruin the suede.
- Look, this comes off, it goes on.
- Just like that.
- You already ruined a shirt of mine - by rolling up my sleeve.
- There, okay? It's on.
You're gonna go celebrate with everybody else.
Come on, let's just go inside, okay? What do you say? - Okay.
- All right, okay, fine.
- Thank you for coming, Cheryl.
- Thank you.
It'll be fine.
It's not very nice suede anyway.
Okay.
Did you have any idea it was gonna be this big? Here's our table.
- Hey, there's Jeff.
- Hey, Lar.
- What's up? - You guys aren't at our table? Why don't you switch? Nobody's gonna notice.
I don't know these people.
- Who's gonna know? - It's like they do this on purpose.
Excuse me, what are you doing? Making sure the placecards are where they're supposed to be.
- This is mine and my husband's.
- Jenny and Sam.
- I think this is - Oh, and you're Larry.
Larry David.
You're supposed to be at this table, yeah.
I heard about your tooth plaque problem - My what? - Your problem with your tooth plaque.
No no no! I don't have a problem.
Where'd you get this from? - It's not important who said it.
- It's not important? - The hygienist? Did she tell you? - l I really - Who, Dr.
Funkhouser? - I know about this really great product - that could help you out.
- I don't have a tooth plaque problem.
I floss probably more often than anybody in this room.
- Good, you don't need to know.
- Just do me a favor.
- Don't mention this.
- Don't be so sensitive.
It's not something I didn't grow up dreaming of doing this.
It's not something I even thought about.
It's something that I was good at.
I had the voice for it Well, if it isn't the old reliable weatherman.
Hey, Larry, where's your cane? - Back's all better.
- Good, good.
Yeah, nice.
So, uh, you called Marty Funkhouser, specifically told him not to give me the tip? Yeah, exactly what I did.
I got a little tip for you, - weatherman, okay? - Okay.
Expect to find a little company tomorrow on the golf course.
- I heard your little report last night.
- Lar? Bring a raincoat.
It's gonna thundershower all day tomorrow.
- You won't see me out there.
- Oh, I'm really worried.
- Bring a slicker.
- It's not gonna work.
It's not gonna work tomorrow, buddy.
- Good to see your back's better.
- Yeah.
Well, this is a great day, as you all know, here at Rolling Valley Country Club.
to this date, my father Leo Funkhouser joined this club.
And at the time, we were the first and only Jewish family.
And today we still are, but we love this place.
It's great to see all your faces here, and this is a very special day for all of us.
It's not often that a son gets to honor his father in front of his friends.
It's usually after the fact.
And I'm so proud of my dad.
He's meant so much to me.
When we were little and I was a baby Oh, look at this.
Look at that! That's it, that's the end of the jacket.
When I was three years old, he couldn't do it anymore 'cause I was taller than he was.
What a great day.
There's not a lot I can say.
Leo, right now, as you all know, has retired.
My mom couldn't be here tonight, of course.
She passed away Excuse me.
Can you keep it down a little bit? 'Cause it's loud.
I have to translate for my husband.
He doesn't understand.
I understand, but just be a little quieter, that's all.
Yeah, drink your tea or coffee.
- My husband said be quiet.
- I'm just trying to hear I'm trying to hear what your cousin has to say.
Yeah, shut your mouth.
You can see your plaque.
What did he say? Shut my mouth? I don't have any plaque.
- You tell him I don't have any plaque.
- Shh! - You have full mouth full of plaque.
- Oh, yeah? At least I don't hide my baldness with a yarmulke.
- He has more hair than you.
- Bet you got nothing under that.
He'll show it to you if you'll show him glasses.
Tell him he don't touch my glasses.
- Give your glasses! - Don't you touch those! Larry, okay.
Larry! Ow, I hurt my back again.
Let's bring the roof down for my father, Leo Funkhouser.
Larry, get up.
I can't.
I hurt my back.
- Stand up.
- I can't.
I hurt my back.
- Larry, get up.
- My back hurts! - Up up up! - Cheryl, I can't.
- Stand up.
- Come on, stand up.
- Larry! Come on! - I can't.
I hurt my back.
I hurt my back.
- Get up.
- Get up.
It had to freaking rain.
It had to freaking rain!