Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e04 Episode Script
Doogie Doesn't Live Here Anymore
I know you.
I know who you are.
You are a shrewd investor.
Huh? Huh? You know what you want.
You know what you want to pay for it.
It would be insulting for me to try to sell you anything.
You like poultry? He loves poultry.
Well, then, enjoy this oven.
Yeah, that's that's a lovely oven.
Look.
Look.
Come on, don't be shy.
Isn't this an entertainer's delight? And a good-looking boy like you, I'll bet you have lots of company.
If only I were Ha ha ha.
Doog, you coming out? I don't think so.
Should I turn the oven on? Oh, doctor.
You're missing the wet bar.
It's your last chance.
All it'll take is a little flick of my wrist.
Huh? So? What do you think? Are are there any other units available? Oh, certainment! Each and every one with its own special and unique charm.
This is 17-c.
And 24-d.
And 42-f.
I like this one.
It has a funky feel.
Can't touch this! And 13-a.
And my personal favorite 41-g.
I think doogie would be very happy here.
Yes, dear.
I think he would.
Doogie? Where's doogie? He couldn't tear himself away from 13-a.
The current interest rates on a 30-year fixed with $40,000 down Your 30, my 10 Plus insurance, property tax, homeowner's fees, you're looking at a monthly nut of about $2,000.
Holy What? Ha ha ha.
Scary, isn't it? There's a "for sale" sign on the delpino house.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Hasn't Vinnie mentioned this? Maybe they're doing this just to tease me.
Yo, howsers! Mind if I borrow some ripe fruit? My stomach juices could digest a horse.
Ooh, mangoes! Vinnie, your house is for sale.
Oh, that.
My parents are getting a divorce, so carmine the shrewd puts the old homestead up for sale in the buyers' market.
He's a whiz, all right.
Do you got a fruit peeler? Divorced? It's an amicable divorce.
A whole lot more amicable than their marriage ever was.
Bingo! But, Vinnie, what's going to happen when they sell your house? My mom's moving back to New York to be near her family.
I'll be moving to the Marina with my old man.
I know.
You're worried that when I move, you're not going to be seeing me as much.
Wipe those little worry lines right off your face, Mrs.
h.
, 'cause there's nothing you can do 'Cause you're stuck like glue To your guy Vinnie delpino Everybody! No muscle-bound man will ever take your hand From your guy Your guy Come on, you guys.
I know you're going to make a big deal out of this.
Your parents divorcing is a big deal.
When you're 10, yeah, but I'm 19.
It's not like I hang out with them.
Look, it's two people finally getting on with their lives after a long and somewhat drawn-out faux pas.
They're acting like mature adults.
They're acting like idiots.
My father bought a toupee.
It looks like he's balancing a road kill on his head.
Something in the weasel family.
Fathers.
Look at your old man.
He's pushing you into the Stepford condo.
Like I'm moving from adolescence to middle age without a stop in between.
O.
K.
Thank you.
All right, get out! Go back to France! Mimes, they ought to be neutered.
You don't want condo-land.
You want adventure.
You want wild.
You want girls like that.
Yoo-hoo! Love your snake! I don't know, vin.
She's scary.
Maybe it's the reptile.
You want scary.
Scary's good.
You went with Wanda.
Now it's time for something completely different.
You know where you belong here.
Venice.
I'm not exactly the venice type.
How do you know what type you are? I just know that this is not me.
Howser, you don't know who you are.
The only you you know is the you your father's been telling you is you since the day you were born A good boy.
What do you think? Destiny.
Nice shooting, Dr.
h.
Do you know a cockroach has fewer germs than the human mouth? Just get rid of him.
What did I tell you? Is this floor space or what? Oh, and look at this.
See that strip of blue all the way from the parking structure to that animal shelter? See it? Yeah, that's the mighty pacific ocean.
Ocean view.
Mm-hmm.
This place has a colorful history.
I can well imagine.
Like what? I'd like to know.
Well, uh, in the fifties, a beatnik poet named Eric "big daddy" nord ran a coffee house here The hungry onion.
Like beards and bongo drums? If big daddy didn't like your poetry, he'd grab something out of the kitchen and throw it at you.
The nuclear winter froze my blood like your lips chilled me last Tuesday.
Ode to a president's wife.
Oh, mamie, what has your lover man wrought? And out here, there used to be an amusement pier.
A lot of the greats played there Glenn Miller, Benny Goodman, Lawrence Welk and his champagne musicmakers.
So in the forties, they used this place as their rehearsal hall.
And in the thirties, it was a gym, where some very famous boxers worked out Phil "babe" brandelli, ge ge gravante.
It was run by a real character, an ex-flyweight named Tony mancuso, "the Brooklyn wildcat.
" Come on, step lively.
Yo, Tony, there's a kid here to see ya! Yeah.
What do you want? Well, Mr.
mancuso, I want to be a boxer.
Kid, stop.
You're giving me a hernia.
My father laughed, too, but I've got what it takes.
Here.
Go call your mother.
Tell her to pick you up.
This town's always been a place where dreamers come to find something.
That's hardly an endorsement, Mr.
Bailey.
Maybe it's not, but then again, for some people, maybe it is.
Anyway, I'll leave you all alone.
Just just take your time Look around.
O.
K.
, Douglas, why on god's earth would you want to live here? I i don't exactly know.
It kind of speaks to me.
It speaks to you? And what exactly does it say, son? "Buy me and I will suck your wallet dry"? Talk to your son.
Actually, David, I can see how an open space in a free-spirited neighborhood like this could appeal to a young person.
Oh, fine.
Thank you, miss Woodstock, queen of the sixties.
Now, Dr.
h.
, maybe it appeals to doogie's primitive instincts.
Living here would be like living in mankind's first dwelling The cave.
One feels free to roam about, yet at the same time, immensely protected.
That's insane.
I expect it from you, Vincent.
But you two.
I've seen enough.
I want to feel excited about my first place, not just make money on it.
I see.
The old man is a capitalist pig.
Look, that condo is not me.
It's you.
"Location, location, location.
" Oh, go ahead.
Mock me.
My real-estate abilities gave you a very nice home to grow up in.
And I appreciate that, but it doesn't mean I have to be your clone for the rest of my life.
Fine.
You do what you want.
But if what you want is to buy this disaster, you do it without my money.
That's how the establishment gets you By the purse strings.
I can make the down payment alone, but it'll be a stretch.
And if I need help later, he won't bail me out.
Like jumping from a plane without a parachute.
O.
K.
, Ace.
Take another look around.
Open up a window.
Get a whiff of that sea breeze.
Uhh! Don't worry, kid.
You're gonna kill this guy.
Gonna be eating canvas.
Geez, he shaved his head.
A hairless head is a frightening thing.
Never mind.
Remember what I taught you.
Hands up, jab with your left, and circle right.
I thought you said jab with my right and circle left.
No wonder Martinelli got the crap beat out of him.
You're a winner.
Give him a right! I did it, dad.
I won my first fight.
I'm sorry I doubted you, son.
I was a foolish old man.
Hey, kid! Where are you going? I'm going back to Indiana, Mr.
Mancuso.
Back to the farm, huh? Marry sue Ellen, make some babies? Something like that.
But at least I took my shot.
I'll never look back and wonder "what if.
" The only true failure is being too afraid to try.
Yes, sir.
Where did you learn that guff? From you.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm the salt of the earth.
Get going.
I hear your train leaving.
Come on, girls! Wake up! What is this, a tea dance? Good luck, kid.
So, what did you decide? I'll take it.
This lovely brentwood condo is graced by crown moldingsand berber carpeting, in pristine, move-in condition.
And boasting the westside's most prestigious location.
This condominium affords views of the Santa Monica mountains.
Open houses What a barbaric institution.
There are looky-loos swarming all over my house.
Have you ever had a fat woman with big red hair tsk-tsking over the condition of your underwear drawer? Not recently, no.
It's appalling.
Appalling.
Vincent.
What do you say we share a beer? A beer? Yeah.
You and I.
We're friends, aren't we? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, we're we're very close.
Put a head on it, Dave.
You're not going to be driving anywhere soon, are you? No, sir.
Anytime I imbibe, I always lay down for many hours afterwards.
Tell me the truth, Vinnie.
How are you really feeling about the divorce? Oof! I'm o.
K.
I'm fine.
How am I supposed to feel? They stayed together for the kids, and now it's their turn, right? My father had an affair.
The man I so admired was telling lies and sneaking around.
Ah.
Broke my heart.
I'm sorry, Dr.
h.
Yeah.
The thing we always want is for our parents to be more grown-up than we are.
I i don't want to live in the Marina with my old man.
I mean, I hope he scores, but I just don't want to see it.
So, I'm thinking maybe I'll move into the dorm at school instead.
Vincent How would you like to move in with Mrs.
howser and me? What, here? We're going to have an empty room.
I thought you hated me.
I've watched you grow up.
How could I hate you? Then You love me? Ah, I suppose I do.
Whoa.
You know, there was a time not too long ago I would've jumped at a chance like this.
But and I hope this doesn't offend you I should stand on my own two feet.
There's nothing wrong with a little help, you know.
Nah.
You know, doog's sticking his neck way out there.
I can, too.
It's like the great Sinatra says, "I gotta be me.
" You are a real piece of work, delpino.
Salute.
Salute.
Is it o.
K.
If I take this? Sure.
You throwing this out? Yeah.
I'm old.
I'm not dead.
It's a very manipulative father who would Use money to control his children.
I i I don't want to be that.
I'm not going to take this, dad.
Are you still mad? No.
No, I just Giving me the money is as much a way of controlling me as withholding it.
It's not something you're doing.
It's what the money does.
I'm going to worry like hell, you know.
Me, too.
That's normal, right? Wait.
I don't know what the hell to feel.
I know who you are.
You are a shrewd investor.
Huh? Huh? You know what you want.
You know what you want to pay for it.
It would be insulting for me to try to sell you anything.
You like poultry? He loves poultry.
Well, then, enjoy this oven.
Yeah, that's that's a lovely oven.
Look.
Look.
Come on, don't be shy.
Isn't this an entertainer's delight? And a good-looking boy like you, I'll bet you have lots of company.
If only I were Ha ha ha.
Doog, you coming out? I don't think so.
Should I turn the oven on? Oh, doctor.
You're missing the wet bar.
It's your last chance.
All it'll take is a little flick of my wrist.
Huh? So? What do you think? Are are there any other units available? Oh, certainment! Each and every one with its own special and unique charm.
This is 17-c.
And 24-d.
And 42-f.
I like this one.
It has a funky feel.
Can't touch this! And 13-a.
And my personal favorite 41-g.
I think doogie would be very happy here.
Yes, dear.
I think he would.
Doogie? Where's doogie? He couldn't tear himself away from 13-a.
The current interest rates on a 30-year fixed with $40,000 down Your 30, my 10 Plus insurance, property tax, homeowner's fees, you're looking at a monthly nut of about $2,000.
Holy What? Ha ha ha.
Scary, isn't it? There's a "for sale" sign on the delpino house.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Hasn't Vinnie mentioned this? Maybe they're doing this just to tease me.
Yo, howsers! Mind if I borrow some ripe fruit? My stomach juices could digest a horse.
Ooh, mangoes! Vinnie, your house is for sale.
Oh, that.
My parents are getting a divorce, so carmine the shrewd puts the old homestead up for sale in the buyers' market.
He's a whiz, all right.
Do you got a fruit peeler? Divorced? It's an amicable divorce.
A whole lot more amicable than their marriage ever was.
Bingo! But, Vinnie, what's going to happen when they sell your house? My mom's moving back to New York to be near her family.
I'll be moving to the Marina with my old man.
I know.
You're worried that when I move, you're not going to be seeing me as much.
Wipe those little worry lines right off your face, Mrs.
h.
, 'cause there's nothing you can do 'Cause you're stuck like glue To your guy Vinnie delpino Everybody! No muscle-bound man will ever take your hand From your guy Your guy Come on, you guys.
I know you're going to make a big deal out of this.
Your parents divorcing is a big deal.
When you're 10, yeah, but I'm 19.
It's not like I hang out with them.
Look, it's two people finally getting on with their lives after a long and somewhat drawn-out faux pas.
They're acting like mature adults.
They're acting like idiots.
My father bought a toupee.
It looks like he's balancing a road kill on his head.
Something in the weasel family.
Fathers.
Look at your old man.
He's pushing you into the Stepford condo.
Like I'm moving from adolescence to middle age without a stop in between.
O.
K.
Thank you.
All right, get out! Go back to France! Mimes, they ought to be neutered.
You don't want condo-land.
You want adventure.
You want wild.
You want girls like that.
Yoo-hoo! Love your snake! I don't know, vin.
She's scary.
Maybe it's the reptile.
You want scary.
Scary's good.
You went with Wanda.
Now it's time for something completely different.
You know where you belong here.
Venice.
I'm not exactly the venice type.
How do you know what type you are? I just know that this is not me.
Howser, you don't know who you are.
The only you you know is the you your father's been telling you is you since the day you were born A good boy.
What do you think? Destiny.
Nice shooting, Dr.
h.
Do you know a cockroach has fewer germs than the human mouth? Just get rid of him.
What did I tell you? Is this floor space or what? Oh, and look at this.
See that strip of blue all the way from the parking structure to that animal shelter? See it? Yeah, that's the mighty pacific ocean.
Ocean view.
Mm-hmm.
This place has a colorful history.
I can well imagine.
Like what? I'd like to know.
Well, uh, in the fifties, a beatnik poet named Eric "big daddy" nord ran a coffee house here The hungry onion.
Like beards and bongo drums? If big daddy didn't like your poetry, he'd grab something out of the kitchen and throw it at you.
The nuclear winter froze my blood like your lips chilled me last Tuesday.
Ode to a president's wife.
Oh, mamie, what has your lover man wrought? And out here, there used to be an amusement pier.
A lot of the greats played there Glenn Miller, Benny Goodman, Lawrence Welk and his champagne musicmakers.
So in the forties, they used this place as their rehearsal hall.
And in the thirties, it was a gym, where some very famous boxers worked out Phil "babe" brandelli, ge ge gravante.
It was run by a real character, an ex-flyweight named Tony mancuso, "the Brooklyn wildcat.
" Come on, step lively.
Yo, Tony, there's a kid here to see ya! Yeah.
What do you want? Well, Mr.
mancuso, I want to be a boxer.
Kid, stop.
You're giving me a hernia.
My father laughed, too, but I've got what it takes.
Here.
Go call your mother.
Tell her to pick you up.
This town's always been a place where dreamers come to find something.
That's hardly an endorsement, Mr.
Bailey.
Maybe it's not, but then again, for some people, maybe it is.
Anyway, I'll leave you all alone.
Just just take your time Look around.
O.
K.
, Douglas, why on god's earth would you want to live here? I i don't exactly know.
It kind of speaks to me.
It speaks to you? And what exactly does it say, son? "Buy me and I will suck your wallet dry"? Talk to your son.
Actually, David, I can see how an open space in a free-spirited neighborhood like this could appeal to a young person.
Oh, fine.
Thank you, miss Woodstock, queen of the sixties.
Now, Dr.
h.
, maybe it appeals to doogie's primitive instincts.
Living here would be like living in mankind's first dwelling The cave.
One feels free to roam about, yet at the same time, immensely protected.
That's insane.
I expect it from you, Vincent.
But you two.
I've seen enough.
I want to feel excited about my first place, not just make money on it.
I see.
The old man is a capitalist pig.
Look, that condo is not me.
It's you.
"Location, location, location.
" Oh, go ahead.
Mock me.
My real-estate abilities gave you a very nice home to grow up in.
And I appreciate that, but it doesn't mean I have to be your clone for the rest of my life.
Fine.
You do what you want.
But if what you want is to buy this disaster, you do it without my money.
That's how the establishment gets you By the purse strings.
I can make the down payment alone, but it'll be a stretch.
And if I need help later, he won't bail me out.
Like jumping from a plane without a parachute.
O.
K.
, Ace.
Take another look around.
Open up a window.
Get a whiff of that sea breeze.
Uhh! Don't worry, kid.
You're gonna kill this guy.
Gonna be eating canvas.
Geez, he shaved his head.
A hairless head is a frightening thing.
Never mind.
Remember what I taught you.
Hands up, jab with your left, and circle right.
I thought you said jab with my right and circle left.
No wonder Martinelli got the crap beat out of him.
You're a winner.
Give him a right! I did it, dad.
I won my first fight.
I'm sorry I doubted you, son.
I was a foolish old man.
Hey, kid! Where are you going? I'm going back to Indiana, Mr.
Mancuso.
Back to the farm, huh? Marry sue Ellen, make some babies? Something like that.
But at least I took my shot.
I'll never look back and wonder "what if.
" The only true failure is being too afraid to try.
Yes, sir.
Where did you learn that guff? From you.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm the salt of the earth.
Get going.
I hear your train leaving.
Come on, girls! Wake up! What is this, a tea dance? Good luck, kid.
So, what did you decide? I'll take it.
This lovely brentwood condo is graced by crown moldingsand berber carpeting, in pristine, move-in condition.
And boasting the westside's most prestigious location.
This condominium affords views of the Santa Monica mountains.
Open houses What a barbaric institution.
There are looky-loos swarming all over my house.
Have you ever had a fat woman with big red hair tsk-tsking over the condition of your underwear drawer? Not recently, no.
It's appalling.
Appalling.
Vincent.
What do you say we share a beer? A beer? Yeah.
You and I.
We're friends, aren't we? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, we're we're very close.
Put a head on it, Dave.
You're not going to be driving anywhere soon, are you? No, sir.
Anytime I imbibe, I always lay down for many hours afterwards.
Tell me the truth, Vinnie.
How are you really feeling about the divorce? Oof! I'm o.
K.
I'm fine.
How am I supposed to feel? They stayed together for the kids, and now it's their turn, right? My father had an affair.
The man I so admired was telling lies and sneaking around.
Ah.
Broke my heart.
I'm sorry, Dr.
h.
Yeah.
The thing we always want is for our parents to be more grown-up than we are.
I i don't want to live in the Marina with my old man.
I mean, I hope he scores, but I just don't want to see it.
So, I'm thinking maybe I'll move into the dorm at school instead.
Vincent How would you like to move in with Mrs.
howser and me? What, here? We're going to have an empty room.
I thought you hated me.
I've watched you grow up.
How could I hate you? Then You love me? Ah, I suppose I do.
Whoa.
You know, there was a time not too long ago I would've jumped at a chance like this.
But and I hope this doesn't offend you I should stand on my own two feet.
There's nothing wrong with a little help, you know.
Nah.
You know, doog's sticking his neck way out there.
I can, too.
It's like the great Sinatra says, "I gotta be me.
" You are a real piece of work, delpino.
Salute.
Salute.
Is it o.
K.
If I take this? Sure.
You throwing this out? Yeah.
I'm old.
I'm not dead.
It's a very manipulative father who would Use money to control his children.
I i I don't want to be that.
I'm not going to take this, dad.
Are you still mad? No.
No, I just Giving me the money is as much a way of controlling me as withholding it.
It's not something you're doing.
It's what the money does.
I'm going to worry like hell, you know.
Me, too.
That's normal, right? Wait.
I don't know what the hell to feel.