Drifters (2013) s04e04 Episode Script

1 I can't believe you've thrown it away! What about my precious memories, Mum? Meg, I'm packing, I haven't really got time for this.
What do you even want your old school uniform for? Eh, the school reunion! I was gonna wear it.
As a gag, obviously! An icebreaker.
Gags are what I was known for.
That and pissing myself Ha, then I did you a favour, love.
Nothing more unattractive than a fully-grown woman in a school uniform.
I think Google would beg to differ.
So, er, when are you coming back exactly? Well Where's the lube, Jen? Meg's here, Frank.
Hi, Meg.
The lube you probably heard me shout then, that's lubricant .
.
for the bikes, for the weekend.
What bikes? Mountain bikes.
You don't have mountain bikes.
No.
No, we don't, but we're gonna hire some.
BMX-style we thought would be best for us.
And we thought, "We're gonna need a really reliable source of lubrication.
" So, better safe than sorry.
You never really can be too careful, lubrication-wise.
Sorry, I appear to have wandered into a Freudian nightmare.
# I'm so excited Someday, someday, Leeds United.
You all right? I am more than all right, fella.
Old Megingtons here played has pulled an absolute blinder and made us all some cold, hard cashish money.
How? Did you finally give the guy in the key cutters a handy? Nope.
I have subletted our flat lat for the weekend.
You're welcome.
Nice one, Meg! Cool! Wait - is that cool? Where we gonna live? Mum and Dad are away.
Free house.
Boom.
We are looking at a weekend of pube-free baths, Babybel in the fridge and Clueless on VHS.
We are going to turn up to the school reunion brunch looking so bloody rested they're gonna think we're actually schoolgirls.
Yes! I don't know why you both care about this stupid school reunion brunch, it's gonna be shit.
Everyone knows that brunch is the worst meal.
It's got booze, but you're not allowed to get mega lashed because "it's morning".
SHE HUFFS I like brunch.
Course you do, you're posh.
Laura, this is our Romy and Michele moment.
Time to show all these bastards we've made it.
Show them we're the top of the tree, the cream of the crop.
How? By lying, mate.
And looking shit-hot.
Foolproof.
I don't care about any of those pricks.
They don't even live here any more, they've all moved to London.
Traitors.
What's so special about London anyway? London's for mugs! It's expensive and shit.
Will Johnson doesn't live in London.
He lives in Buenos Aires.
Oh, here we go.
He's a photographer now.
He's got, like, so many wish bracelets.
I'm gonna get him to take my new headshots and fall in love with me.
How are you gonna do that? Yep, that'll do it.
We've got unfinished business.
He was the first boy to, you know, stick his fingers in the till.
Oooo-kay - packing time! Yeah, there's a bit of a whiff from the fridge, but it's nothing to worry about, and that's your kettle, for your tea and what-have-you.
Them's your curtains.
That is a thong, I'll move that.
I don't like it, Mummy.
It smells.
Oh, we have to be here, pumpkin.
Because your sister is graduating and SOMEONE forgot to book the Novotel in January when I told him to, so this is the only place left.
I mean, It does look like a completely different flat from the photographs.
Does it? Hm, that's weird.
Well, enjoy! Oh, the toilet's a little bit temperamental, so there's a coat hanger in there for solids.
Mi casa, su casa.
Laters suckers.
Come on.
That's weird, the key won't go in.
I'll call Dad.
All right, Meg? Hi, Dad.
Hope you're having a nice holiday.
All it is.
.
Yeah, your key doesn't work.
Maybe.
Yeah, we changed the locks.
What? Why? Well, be honest, Meg you do have a tendency to take advantage when we're away, don't you? Go, Frank! I do not! Maybe this time, but I can't believe you've done this! I'm gonna have to sleep on the street, I could get attacked.
You're not gonna get attacked, Meg.
You can't just turn our house into a B&B.
What's the matter with your own flat? I've turned it into a B&B.
LINE GOES DEAD SHE SIGHS God, am I too old to call Childline? This is actually really abusive.
Come on, step aside.
Laura to the rescue.
Gimme your bank card.
I'll show ya.
Shit.
OK.
That didn't have any money on it, did it? Yes.
All of our the money from the Airbnb, and thus, all our money.
Shitorama.
Believe me, we would be delighted to leave if there was anywhere else to go.
You've already taken our money! No, no, no, look, we're not asking you to leave.
Yeah, we thought we'd all just stay here together.
What are you going to do, curl up at the bottom of the bed? If you like.
Look, we'll just stay on the sofa, you won't even know we're here.
You are already teetering on the brink of a one-star rating, young lady.
Why don't you stop bothering us and go and find some friends to stay with?! How do you turn on the television? Green button and AV 1! OK.
Sowho are our other friends? Scott! Fancy seeing you here! At my own front door.
You joker.
I'll, er, cut to the chase, man, I know you're busy.
MUFFLED: I wondered, will you keep me company tonight? I'm so lonely.
Bunny! She's gone rogue, Scott, sorry.
You can't do "Sexy Baby", we're supposed to be a team.
Listen, I've got a client here who has just made a very important breakthrough.
MAN SOBS What do you want? Sowe were trying to make some cashish-monay by subletting the old flat.
And let me guess - you've got nowhere to stay.
Just a bit! Yeah, teensy touch on the homeless side, yes.
We were just taking advantage, trying to make a quick buck.
You know how it is, Scott, you're a "psychiatrist".
Right, firstly, I'm a psychotherapist.
Potato, potato.
And secondly, I only have one bedroom, as you and Bunny well know.
From the sex.
And thirdly, every time I spend any time with you, I end up having to spend even more time with my own psychotherapist, Dr Francis.
Maybe he's got somewhere we can sleep? Right.
Well, looks like it's an alley rapin' for us tonight.
I suppose I'll sort it, shall I? LAURA KNOCKS DOOR What are you doing, Gary? Shirt-cocking? Put some pants on, mate, you've got company.
Now is not a good time.
You got someone in there? Have you got some slag in there?! Get out the way! Let me fucking see her, I'm not having this, Gary.
What the hell? MEDIEVAL-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS This is how we die.
Halt, 'tis the evil temptress, the whore of Thearon - Laura! Er, how does this crushed velvet slag know my name, Gary? What's going on? It's my guild.
We've decided to take it IRL for a bit.
What? Me guild! They've been helping me through a tough time.
What kind of tough time? Did your mum finally die? Did you get that Princess Diana plate? Can I have it? No, Laura! A difficultbreak-up.
Oh, well you're not gonna get over it mincing around with these Gollums, are ya? Tell them to bugger off, we need somewhere to sleep.
No.
What? No, Laura.
You can stay, but if you do, you have to participate.
All of ya.
Jesus Christ.
Let's just get this over with then.
You may proceed to cross the bridge.
What do you mean, the bridge? I thought we were in the castle.
Keep up, Meg! The bridge troll has just granted us our wish.
Which one's the bridge troll? You called, milady?! Urgh! Well I wish to go to the Magic Kingdom, aka bed.
Ha-ha, nice try.
We're playing standard GURP rules.
Not that you'd get that.
Lightning bolt! Plus ten! ALL GASP Amulet, mirror spell, lightning bolt reversed.
Agh! Oh! You'vekilled her.
SHE MOANS Well, I didn't mean to kill her, did I? How did you know how to do that? What? THEY SNIGGER Are you a secret LARP-er? No.
Oh, my God.
I just Oh, fuck off, Meg! Tell it to the bridge troll, mate.
No! Oh come on, Laura, it's only a joke.
Get out! OK, guys.
You know I'm one for a jape but it's actually quite cold now and I want to look good for the reunion tomorrow.
Yeah, well, what do you suggest? We're locked out of the flat.
We've run out of friends.
Plus we've got ?14.
35 between us.
?13.
35.
I bought a Pepperami.
When? Girls.
Let Mummy take care of this.
We're going to put on tomorrow's glad rags, tart ourselves up, go to the hottest bar in town, find some totty and then we'll go home with them.
Soprostitute ourselves.
No! We're not going to have sex with them, silly.
We'll pretend that we might just so that we can go to someone's flat and we'll crash there.
Good plan! Hmm, sounds a bit risky.
Exactly! If you've got it, flaunt it.
Not what I meant.
No offence, Meg, but where have your morals ever got you? MUSIC: Rinse and Repeat by Riton featuring Kah-Lo # Time to make the club grow up Time to shut this bitch down # This is not how I woke up # But it's how I look now # If you leave with me # We'll be on till morn Then we rinse and repeat Whoa.
You two are fine, but this ain't happening.
What? II can take my blazer off.
Pub? FRUIT MACHINE PLAYS Jesus.
I mean, a lot of these people do look like serial killers.
And we're not leaving till one of them takes us home.
I think my outfit's going to invite the wrong kind of man.
Meg, your outfit isn't inviting no kind of man.
Let's face it, Laura, this one's on us.
Right.
Let's get this party started.
MUSIC: Hate to Say I Told You So by The Hives # Do what I want cos I can if I don't # Because I wanna # Be ignored by the stiff and the bored because I'm gonna Hate to say I told you so MEG SPLUTTERS SHE SOBS Do believe I told you so I don't need anybody else LAURA PLAYS PIANO DRUNKENLY Home time! Oh, bollocks.
Time to go, girls.
THEY SIGH Shh! STIFLED GIGGLING Ssh! ALL GIGGLE Night, mate.
LULLABY MUSIC What the hell is going on? I can see you! Which input is the DVD on? AV2, select DVD from the menu I mean, the open road is nice.
It is nice.
But do you think there's, like, a park we could sleep in? You don't sleep in a park, Meg.
That's the number one rule.
Not unless you want a pillow that's made of johnnies and dogshit.
We just need to find somewhere posh, like a roundabout flowerbed.
Or Let's do it.
This'll do.
Six hours' beauty sleep before brunch.
It's like Ibiza.
LULLABY MUSIC Oi! Oh, my God! What do you think you're doing?! THEY YELL Run! Run for it.
Oi! THEY SCREAM Has he gone? Oh, so soft.
This is like a beach.
Let's just wait here a minute, until the coast's clear.
THEY PAN LULLABY MUSIC Oh! Excuse me! Cease fire.
Cease fire! Good God.
MEG SOBS IN PAIN Is it bad? What the hell is going on here? SHE WAILS Where are you taking us? I'm escorting you off the premises.
Water! Hey! I need water.
What are you doing? I'm thirsty.
Get yourself back in.
No, I need a drink.
Come here! I'm allowed it.
Come here! You can't stop me.
This is why women should never be allowed on golf courses.
I really don't think this is a good idea.
Oh, come on.
I am not missing out on Will Johnson.
We hardly look brunch-appropriate, Bunny.
You promised! What about showing people that we've made it? Will we be doing that, though? Someone might be able to have us to stay.
They might have a hotel room.
Oh, come on! Please, please, please.
I can seduce Will Johnson.
He's got to have a bed for us, hasn't he? Well, I mean, we do need to find somewhere to sleep tonight.
These guys won't really care what we look like, will they? Nah.
They're our old schoolmates.
We go way back.
They've seen us when we look worse than this.
As I'll be saying to Will Johnson later tonight, "It's what's inside that counts.
" Inside my vagina! MUSIC GOES QUIE Oh, God.
You did want to make an entrance, didn't you? OK, look, we just need to find a bed.
Even if it means going home with Mr Pilsgate the caretaker.
Think we're a bit old for him now.
GIRLS LAUGH There he is.
How do I look? Five out of ten? My five is your nine, so that's OK.
You don't smell great, though, mate.
Have you got any perfume on you? No.
Right, well, there's only one thing for it.
Oh.
My knickers are full of sand.
What are you doing? It's my fanny perfume.
It's pheromones.
Drives men wild.
It's science, Meg.
Is it? Professor Stephen Hawking would call that science, would he? No, it's fact.
I read it on the internet.
Right.
Wish me luck.
I got a hefty bonus, which more than covered the nanny.
All right? Oh, my God.
Laura? Wow.
You look Yeah, I know, time's been good to me.
So, have any of yous got a spare bedroom? What? Just out of interest.
Well, I mean, we all have guest rooms.
Of course.
Great, great.
It's just, I need somewhere to stay tonight, so Oh, well I suppose you could stay with me in Camden.
Where? Camden.
In London.
Ugh.
London! What a shithole.
What about you, then? I live in London.
Right, you? Me too.
Ugh.
Absolute time-wasters.
LAUGHTER Ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Hey, guys! Jeremy! How are you? Fine.
Sorry, who are you? Classic Jeremy.
Class clown.
Ha-ha-ha.
You know me.
What, seriously? No-one? It's me, Meg.
We were at school together for seven years.
I went on holiday with your family, Amy.
Right, well That's a blow for the ol' self esteem.
Never mind.
Er What are you guys all up to? Well, I'm a human rights lawyer.
It was between that or modelling.
And I'm a dentist.
Alex here was just telling us how he's built an orphanage in Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry, did you say dentist? Yeah.
Um, would you mind having a look at my tooth? It just came loose.
I got hit by a golf ball earlier.
So, er, where are you staying tonight, Jeremy? And I swear, that lion just knew me, you know? He just, like, got me in a way that I guess a woman never could.
What's that smell? Guilty.
Er I knew you'd remember.
Yeah.
Right.
Anyway, the thing you need to remember about wild beasts Mmm! I feel sleepy.
Mmm Yeah? Urgh.
Sexy baby.
There's no competing with that.
So, maybe we should go somewhere a little bit quieter? Like, er, your hotel room, say? Oh, I don't have a hotel room.
I'm getting the plane back to Buenos Aires tonight.
But, er I think I know somewhere we can go tocatch up.
I'm so tired, Laura.
I think I'm hallucinating.
I just need sleep.
There's only one thing for it.
You're going home with Mr Pilsgate.
I'm getting out the begging bowl.
Don't do it, Meg.
Hey.
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK Hey! Thank you! So, you'll all remember me.
Well, I'm Meg.
I'm Meg.
I pissed my pants on the school trip to Cheddar Gorge.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Right, yeah.
All it is Er, it's a funny story, really.
I'm, er I'm in a little bit of a pickle and I need somewhere to stay tonight.
WILL MOANS Ow! Wait.
Is there sand up there? It's not very Bunny, can you stop wriggling? No, nearly there.
Ow! Ow, ow, it hurts Oh, God! Well, I guess I was just I was trying to impress you all, really.
I'm a woman of means! I'm living the dream.
Oh, no.
Oh EVERYONE GASPS My tooth's come off.
SHE SOBS Don't look at me! Laura, help.
Coming, Meg.
BUNNY MOANS Please, stop, Bunny! Your vagina's like sandpaper! So, er Does anyone want to have us to stay? Anyone? HE SUCKS HIS TEETH