Drunk History (2013) s04e04 Episode Script

1 (Patriotic music) Teddy Roosevelt saved football.
Nobody knows that because we're young and dumb and nobody reads a goddamn book anymore.
They knew that everything was riding on the speech Churchill had to Congress.
(Laughs) I have no idea what I was talking about.
(Laughs) Eleanor Roosevelt is Burgess Meredith from "Rocky.
" "Na zdorovie".
Oh, I spit.
(Patriotic music) Katie Nolan, give a favorite football movie.
"Friday Night Lights" was a good one.
Sorry, let me dry my hands off before I high five you.
The best.
"Varsity Blues," also good.
(In Southern accent): I don't want your life.
No, it's slower.
Both: (Slowly, with a Southern accent) I don't want your life.
Yeah.
James Van Der Beek.
It's my [bleep.]
- it's my dude.
- Yeah.
Yeah, he's my Brando.
- (Laughs) - (Chuckles) Hello, I'm Katie Nolan, and today I'm gonna tell you about how Teddy Roosevelt saved the sport of football.
I put the word "sport" in in case people didn't know.
They still might think it's soccer, but we'll clear that up.
[Bleep.]
them if that's what they think.
(Laughs) Our story begins late 1890s when football was just a college game, and there was no forward passing, just dudes who would smash their bodies into each other's bodies, and then so in 19 nope, 1894, there was this annual game between Harvard and Yale that was so violent it was called, "Bloodbath at Hampden Park", Because it was just massacre.
Seven people were carted off the field with dying injuries.
Yale won the game, and so they were so excited in their win, they just started punching people.
They were like, oh, my God.
We won that game.
Like, it was really hard to watch, but we crushed them, literally and also subject object what? What's the opposite of literally? - Figuratively.
- Thank you.
Literally and figuratively we crushed those guys.
The Harvard fans were like, I want to go home and cry and also invent Facebook.
(Both chuckling) And that game was sort of the catalyst for people realizing hey, maybe, um football is, like, not good because people are dying in a large sum every year.
So enter Teddy Roosevelt, who was a huge football fan.
Like, he loved anything brutally manly.
So football to Teddy was, like, what America was about.
And so when they banned that game between Harvard and Yale, he was like, excuse me.
No.
Bring that game back.
We love that game.
It means a lot to us as people.
It's been two years.
I can't live without it anymore.
Which is how I felt about sex in college.
(Laughs) So, like, Teddy Roosevelt's son, Theodore Roosevelt Jr.
joins the Harvard freshman football team.
So his first game, the other team targeted him because he's the president's son, and (mimics bone breaking) nose broken.
Like, right away.
And then they put a huge gash on his face.
So Teddy Roosevelt decided that football's fantastic, but it's maybe a little bit too violent.
Like, maybe we could calm it down.
And, you know, in his spare time he was president, so he ended the Russo-Japanese War and then was like, I'm also gonna fix I'm gonna save football.
So anyway what was I talking about? Teddy Roosevelt.
So Teddy Roosevelt called this meeting with the heads of the college football powerhouses, and he was like, look, guys, football.
Pretty violent, right? Like, love the sport.
Doing a great job.
Let's not kill so many people.
And so the head coach of Yale, Walter Camp, who's known as the father of American football was like, um, don't talk about my sport that way.
I made this sport and we're not gonna change it.
Like, football is football.
Suck it, bro.
And so the president was like, well, this guy just told me to suck it, bro.
And so I think the meeting is ov meeting is adjourned.
I think the meeting is adjourned.
And so they didn't come to any sort of agreement, and at the end of that season, the newsboys were like, extra, extra! Read all about it! 18 s-deaths I was gonna say serious deaths.
(Laughs) There are deaths that are, like, eh.
It's kind of funny.
(Laughs) 18 deaths and 159 fatalities.
Shit.
Fatalities means death.
18 deaths and 159 super serious injuries from football happening now.
Exclamation point, end quote.
Read about it.
Or don't.
So Teddy invited everybody back, and he's like, hey, y'all.
All this stuff just happened.
Walter Camp, I see you raising your hand.
I don't acknowledge you.
We have to change your sport.
I get that it's your baby, but sometimes your baby sucks.
If you give birth to a baby and you're like, do whatever the [bleep.]
you want, it's gonna punch people and people are gonna die.
Your baby needs to be raised properly in a decent home, and the decent home is let's make some new rules.
So, like, what if crazy thought what if we make first down instead of five yards, make it ten? And then he was like, what if you took a ball and you threw it instead of only just being able to shove into each other to move down the field? Wouldn't that be wild? And people were like, wait.
You want to throw a ball? Like, yeah, that's why balls were invented, to be thrown.
Walter Camp was like, okay.
Fine.
And so basically after that meeting, there was, like, a national standard for what football was, and it was great.
(Uplifting music) And it was all great because of Teddy Roosevelt, and, like, nobody knows that.
They just think Teddy Roosevelt, oh, president.
Or actually, nowadays they go, Teddy Roosevelt? Oh, you mean Franklin? Because we're young and dumb and nobody reads a goddamn book anymore.
Cheers.
Okay, so I'm gonna make drinks based on Winston Churchill.
We have amazing quotes about his daily drinking habits.
So we're gonna start out with some scotch and soda.
He wanted 90-year-old brandy.
And this would be French champagne.
Oh, oui, please.
Okay, so in the name of Churchill how do you have champagne.
- How do you think - I'm double fist it.
Double fist it.
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding? What? Isn't that what we were doing? No, no, no.
I love every bit of it.
Okay, so we take a sip here.
Yeah, sip here.
Mmm.
How do you think Churchill drank champagne? Well, I know how you will, and it's just like that.
Man, I'm 38.
(Laughs) Hello, I'm Eric Edelstein, and today we're gonna be discussing Christmas with Churchill and FDR saving the world.
Our story begins December 7, 1941, and as Roosevelt so incredibly said, "A day that will live in infamy.
" The attack on Pearl Harbor changed everything because for two years and three months, Winston Churchill's fighting this war on his own.
Literally Winston Churchill against Hitler.
And at that point, we're like, okay, let's just fight Japan, kick their ass 'cause this is bullshit, but why the [bleep.]
should we go over to Europe? Another one of their dumb wars? Who's this Hitler guy? FDR believed Churchill, that this was the greatest threat to human existence in the history of man.
So this Christmas trip was planned - for Churchill to come over, see FDR, - and FDR views Churchill as, like, his party buddy.
And Churchill looks at Alonzo Fields, the White House butler, and says, "I have a few orders.
"In the morning before breakfast, "I would like a tumbler of sherry.
"I will need scotch and soda, two of them, before lunch, "and before I go to sleep, I must have 90-year-old brandy and French champagne.
" That was Churchill.
He partied and loved it.
So he and Roosevelt immediately dig in and start planning how they're gonna kick Hitler's ass.
Thank God.
And then Churchill brings in his mobile map room, which was this series of maps with thumbtacks of where their troops are and where they want to go and how they can defeat him.
And so basically they're like two little kids playing Battleship.
We're gonna move this battleship here and over here, and put all these thumbtacks.
That's 40,000 troops here.
They'll never see it coming, Franklin.
Oh, okay.
I got you, I got you.
But hold on.
What if we do a little bit through Versailles? Think about that.
I know it's crazy.
(Laughs) Crazy like a fox, friend.
Let's dance! - So - (Giggles) So basically he'd been having these incredible sleepovers with Churchill where every night they would stay up until 2:00 or 3:00 a.
m.
planning this war, drinking, getting strange, and fighting Nazis.
If this ain't the most "Drunk History" story ever, friends.
Come on.
Eleanor would pop her head in, like, FDR, Churchill, so excited you guys have figured out how to defeat Hitler.
That's great, but, eh, maybe you should go to bed.
Eleanor Roosevelt was probably right.
A guy that survived Spanish flu and polio probably shouldn't be keeping Churchill hours.
But they knew that everything was riding on the speech Churchill had to Congress.
So Churchill goes to Congress.
He started with jokes.
I hope you're wearing cheap socks; they'll be knocked right off.
He made everybody laugh, and then he said no hyperbole "This is the greatest threat "humanity has ever faced.
"This is somebody that is executing gypsies "and Jewish people and taking the economic decline "of Germany and turned that sad thing into his agenda.
" And Congress is like, wow.
This Hitler sounds like a real asshole.
Churchill got done.
There was a silence and then a thunderous applause.
People loved it.
They loved him.
He rallied him 'cause he's one of the great speakers in the history of mankind.
- That's great.
- (Laughs) I have no idea what I was talking about.
- (Laughs) - Sorry.
I tried to get it's all it's like yeah.
Okay.
So FDR's like, Churchill, you killed that speech.
Now we get to have our destiny.
We're gonna go kick Hitler's ass.
So at the end of this trip, Churchill's so sad.
(Melancholy music) He knew he'd accomplished his mission, but he's got to go back home.
He got back to England, and waiting there on his desk is a telegram.
It says, "I'm so happy to be living "in the same decade as you.
Signed, FDR.
" (Triumphant music) They did it.
- You're the best.
- You are.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
To these guys, man.
- Cheers.
- Cheers to you.
Ready to do one more? I thought you learned from last year.
Hmm? You drink after you cheers.
Wait, what did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? You can't talk.
Cheers.
(Glasses clink) (Instrumental music) Let's go do the story.
Hello, my name is Paget Brewster, and today we're gonna talk about Eleanor Roosevelt and the Communist sniper.
- Cheers.
- Na zdorovie.
- Na zdorovie.
- Oh, I spit.
- Okay.
- (Laughs) Our story begins in 1941.
It was the Second World War and the U.
S.
was fighting Japan.
And Russia was fighting the Nazis.
And Russia is suffering, so Joseph Stalin calls Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and he's like, FDR, my friend, can you [bleep.]
help me out here please? I'm getting my ass kicked here in Russia by these "Nat-zis" 'cause "Nat-zis.
" Not Nancys.
I didn't say Nancys.
I said "Nat-zis.
" Nazis, yeah, I misheard you.
And Franklin's like, it's not up to me, man.
I understand what you're talking about.
It's a shit show, but I got Congress.
I got the American people.
I can't help you out right now because no one supports me, so Stalin's like, oh, [bleep.]
.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna send someone over there, Pavlichenko.
Huge sniper.
Big deal.
Highly feared.
The greatest sharpshooter in the history of mankind.
Just meet with my sniper.
So in July of 1942, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and his wife Eleanor are like, oh, what's happening today in the White House? We always have stuff to do.
And Franklin says, "Oh, Eleanor, "we got to meet with this sniper.
He's being sent from the Red Army," and the sniper is a 25-year-old woman named Lyudmila Pavlichenko.
Say it again.
(Slowly): Lyudmila Pavlichenko.
Lyudmila Pavlichenko.
Buh-luh-jinga.
Pavlichenko.
Pavli-jinka.
Pavlichenko! Pavlichenko.
I really like you.
We're friends.
What? I'm just letting you finish, as a gentleman.
You are a gentleman, but with just the right amount of a bastard.
(Both laughing) Shit.
Oh, no, I'm drunk.
So she says to them, "There is no color line.
"There is no male-female segregation in the Red Army.
"We are a nation of people who want to defend our motherland," and Eleanor, who is a feminist and a human rights advocate [bleep.]
badass takes Franklin aside and says, "This girl this tomboy, sharpshooting, "genius killer, "I can take her on the road and she will get us enough American support to go after the Nazis.
" President Franklin Roosevelt was like, okay, if you think that can happen, go for it.
So they get on a train, and they're traveling across the U.
S.
, and the American press starts hearing about a girl sniper sent from Russia.
She does town hall meetings.
She meets with the local press.
But all they want to know is why don't you wear blush? Are you allowed to wear makeup on the front lines? And then a journalist tells her, your uniform, the skirt's too long.
It's drab.
You look fat.
And she's like, what the [bleep.]
are they f I'm crawling through the mud with a (Dogs barking) Coyotes! The coyote's eating the neighbor's cat.
Well, we got to wait this out, right? So (chuckles) So it's not funny.
It's a serious thing.
They finally get to Chicago halfway through their journey, and backstage, Eleanor Roosevelt is Burgess Meredith from "Rocky.
" She's just massaging her shoulders and saying, "Come on, you can do this.
"I know they're asking stupid questions.
"They're silly questions.
Don't worry about it.
"You can make it through.
"I need you to talk to the American public "the way you've talked to me and shame America into joining the second front.
" So Lyudmila walks out on a Chicago stage and says, "Gentlemen, I am but 25 years old, "and I have killed "309 Fascist occupants in my country.
"This uniform I wear, that you say is ugly, "that you say makes me look fat, "this uniform has dirt on it "and the blood of my enemies on it, "and I wear it with pride.
"Don't you think you've been hiding behind my back for too long?" And the crowd goes batshit bananas, clapping, and Eleanor, she's backstage like, yeah, Lyudmila! I love it! Go, girl! (Triumphant music) (Groans) Jesus.
I got to burp.
My stomach's making noise.
I'm trying to talk about WWII.
It's too much.
Okay, so Eleanor Roosevelt and Lyudmila Pavlichenko are going from town to town, and she's no longer a curiosity or an oddity.
She's, like, this impressive folk hero.
She's an amazing woman, who was so young, doing the work of dozens of men at 25 years old.
When I was 25, I think I plucked off all my eyebrows and dressed like Prince.
(Laughs) Anyway, 15 yeas later, we are in a Cold War with Russia.
Eleanor is in Moscow and has a political minder that says, "You can't really talk to anyone about anything.
"You're gonna eat some sablefish.
"You're gonna drink some vodka.
"You're gonna wear a furry hat showing that it's not that bad "between Russia and America.
That's your job, lady.
" And she's like, uh no.
I'm Eleanor goddamn Roosevelt, and I'm gonna go and see my [bleep.]
pal.
This emissary takes Eleanor Roosevelt to Lyudmila Pavlichenko's house.
This woman was a national hero, but she's living in this tiny two-room apartment, and Lyudmila opens the door.
Hello, Lyudmila.
Hello, Mrs.
Roosevelt.
Like, Eleanor and Lyudmila are sitting formally with the Russian minder, and at a certain point, Lyudmila makes an excuse and says, "Oh, oh, oh.
"Sorry, sorry.
Have to leave," and finds a way to take Eleanor away from the Russian minder, and she's half-laughing, half-crying, and she's hugging Eleanor and saying, "Oh, my friend, it's so good to see you after all these years.
" (Chuckles) "And think about all the friends we met on our trip across the U.
S.
," and Eleanor's so happy to talk to her, just saying, "Oh, Lyudmila, we did have a great time, didn't we?" And these two incredibly powerful, smart women saved millions of lives by engendering the American public into joining the war effort, and it was such an important part of history, but it's just two women happy to see each other and saying, "Do you remember that time we went to Chicago?" Shit.
(Groans) God damn it.
I think it's really touching.
(Triumphant music) Cheers.
(Chuckles) - Sorry.
- Don't talk.
Oh, you got to do it again.
You talked.
What?