Duck Dynasty (2012) s04e04 Episode Script

1 - Martin: Double or nothing.
- Si: Double or nothing.
- Jep: Double or nothing.
- Martin: Double it.
I'll give you a free shot.
Take it.
Si: Oh! Man, I can't shoot when you-- ( all yell ) - Booya! - Pay up, sorry old fart.
Now most people know that a gentleman's bet is not for money - Gentleman's bet.
- Is this for a dollar? - Yeah.
One dollar.
- Gentleman's bet, boys.
- but Si isn't most people - One dollar bill.
or a gentleman.
- Look, hey.
- Si, are you trying to cheat already? - It's a gentleman's bet.
- Son, I ain't trying to cheat.
So we told him, gentleman's bets are for a dollar.
- One dollar.
- Raises the stakes a bit.
I got a dollar saying Luke will beat Beau.
Pecker race.
I'm gonna school you boys bad.
- Martin: I'm in on that.
- Dollar on Beau.
- Si: Dollar on Beau.
- Godwin: Dollar on Luke.
Hey, I'm fixin' to old-school you boys.
Ready? Go.
- Oh, now he got a head start.
- Si: Come on, boys.
( all yelling ) - No, hey.
- Go, go.
Whoo! - Bam! - Si: Outhustled by my own nephew.
Hey, defective woodpecker.
I guess the joke's on me.
( laughing ) Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Stupid woodpeckers.
Hey, you just gave me the old woodpecker hustle.
Oh, it's a long story.
- What do you need? - Why aren't all these calls put together? - We're working on it.
- You ain't done one yet.
- Jase: We got this.
- Oh, here you go.
Right here.
All right, you got one.
Look, I gotta go anyway.
I'm coming to your house.
- Oh, that's right.
Crap.
- What are you going to his house for? I got no electricity.
I got no water.
I got no food.
Jase and Missy are updating their kitchen, so their house is a little unlivable right now.
This is gonna be like old times.
Willie: Missy is gonna be out of town, so Korie offered up our house for Jase and the kids.
Jase: Brothers back together.
- Martin: Uh-oh.
- Jep: Ah, crap.
Hey, y'all remember that time I said I was excited to have Jase over? - You ready to do this? - Yeah, it's gonna be lovely.
Yeah, me neither.
Si: Hey, gentleman's bet.
I got a dollar it lasts one day and they can't be in the same house.
Gentleman's bets aren't for money, Si.
- What are you talking about? - Willie, Willie, mm.
Willie: What? - I want half that.
- All right.
Deal.
Whatever.
I'll bet you a dollar.
I got a dollar they'll be in the yard pulling each other's hair by the end of the day.
Martin: I'm all in, baby.
( theme music playing ) Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
@Cwluc == S04E04 A-Jase-ent Living == Martin: All right, hit it, Godwin.
Bring the heat.
( laughing ) - Pay up, sucker.
- Come on.
There's two type of people in any bet: the hustler - Pay the piper, son.
- He swings and a miss.
and then you got the idiot.
- Martin: What an idiot.
- On the woodpecker bet, I was the idiot.
Step aside, boys.
My wing's warmed up.
Now I'm fixin' to become the hustler.
All I need is an idiot of my own.
One dollar you leave more than five cups up there.
Bingo.
Si: You boys better step back.
There ain't no telling where these cups are fixin' to fly.
- Y'all ready? - Oh, this is easy money here.
- Jep: Oh! - Martin: Just a bit outside.
It blows my mind that Dad and Si are related.
Hey, back when I was in high school, I was the deadliest pitcher in the state of Louisiana.
- Martin: Double or nothing.
- Si: Double or nothing.
Double or nothing.
Oh! Triple or nothing.
Let's go.
Dad could have been an NFL quarterback.
They nicknamed me the "Terminator.
" Y'all ready for me to knock all 10 of these cups down? Si looks like Gumby throwing a baseball.
A little rock back here.
I only had one pitch the bean.
- ( laughing ) - All right! He sucks.
- ( laughing ) - Hey.
- Pay up, sucker.
- Turkeys.
These boys think they got the best of old Si.
Nice doing business with you clowns.
But, hey, look, I just need the right bet, then I'll cash in.
Dude, this baseball's got me fired up.
Let's go to the batting cages.
I'll show those boys nobody gets the best of Silas Merritt Robertson.
Baseball fever, boys.
Stupid cups.
Martin: Hey, that's one way to do it.
- Hey, baby.
- What's up, kids? The little kids have been making a fort.
Willie: That's not a fort, that's a teepee.
- Korie: That's a fort.
They even have-- - That's a teepee.
It's not a fort.
A fort is a structure-- like a square structure.
- I used to build them.
- Okay.
- It's their teepee.
- Teepee.
They've been working on it all day.
It's awesome.
There's a big difference in a fort and a teepee.
I know I tend to complain a lot about Jase, but the kids seem to be enjoying each other.
There's a better way of doing this, but this is cool.
It's one weekend with him.
How bad can it be? - The ol' teepee approach.
I don't know if-- - ( Jase yells ) There it is.
Oh, man, perfect timing.
- You talk about a comeback.
- Oh, crap.
Is this the game? Jase, I had this recorded.
It's not over yet.
Sit down.
Let's watch it.
- You're in my chair.
- Yeah, it's really comfortable.
- Here, you can sit in it.
- No, it's fine.
I'll sit.
Don't sit there.
That's wet.
- Come get your chair.
- I'm already wet now.
All right.
So far, I've been living with Jase and his kids for a total of five minutes.
And already the house looks like crap, - the game is ruined - This game is over.
and my butt is wet.
- Does Jase care? - Look at that.
( chuckles ) Oh, that's awesome.
It's only for a few days.
It's only for a few days.
It's only for a few days.
- When do y'all eat around here? - ( sighs ) Did you ever think about, "Maybe he's got this recorded for a reason"? You shouldn't try to record a live sporting event.
- That was your fault.
- You have to if you're not here.
- It's the only way you can watch it.
- That's just dumb.
Jase: Everyone knows the best part of watching a game is being able to will and cheer your team to win.
You can't get the same kind of connection with something that already happened.
Yes, you can.
No, you can't.
Jase: You wouldn't tape the presidential election, wait a month, and then pretend it's live.
It's like a movie.
Would you watch the end of it and then-- A movie's not live.
I can watch that anytime.
It's the same principle! That's just fantasyland.
- Korie: Dinner's ready.
- It's about time.
- I'm gonna pause it.
- Why did you pause it? I don't mind pausing it.
I mean, that's different.
Let me go check on what dinner's all about.
You ain't watching none of it.
( game continues ) Gah.
Did you spill a bucket of water? ( banging ) Oh, yeah! Jase: I've always been an early riser.
Mostly because when you grow up with three brothers if you don't eat early, you don't eat.
Hey! Hey! - And believe it or not, - Mm.
Willie used to get up earlier than all of us.
- Mm! That was good.
- What are you doing? I'm cooking breakfast.
- It's 4:00 in the morning.
- I know.
Jase has the unique ability to annoy the crap out of ya.
Usually without even realizing that he's being so annoying.
Jase, everybody's asleep.
You've been banging-- It's Saturday.
I fish on Saturday.
Willie: Who doesn't understand that waking someone up at 4:00 a.
m.
is a bad thing? Watch it right there.
I dropped an egg.
It's a question that keeps me awake at night.
I'm sure you've woken up the whole neighborhood by now.
Literally.
Look at that.
You want some of this steak? - Where did you get that? - Out of the refrigerator.
( groans ) - What? - That was mine.
It's a steak.
I'll get you another one.
It won't be Wagyu.
I don't even know what that is.
Exactly.
It's way too early in the morning for me to decide whether I'm angry or hungry.
( stomach growling ) This joker's about ready to eat.
Willie: It's $100 right there.
- You wanna try some of it? - That was not what you think.
No! I don't want to try any of it.
Keep your voice down.
You're gonna wake the kids.
That was an angry gurgle.
Clean all this crap up.
Hmm.
Wagyu, who knew? Si: Are you ready for some baseball? - Martin: Wrong sport, Si.
- Si: Look here.
When I get through, I'm gonna have a roll that will choke a full-grown mule.
Now this is the bet I've been waiting for, okay.
I may just give y'all a break and just use one hand.
You know what they say, "If at first you don't hustle" Me and Thunderstick fixed to take it down.
"try, try again.
" What are you talking about? That thing's twice my age.
Si: Plus, those cups, I'm positive they was defective.
They wasn't up to code.
- Si: Come on, Thunderstick.
- Martin: Age before beauty.
We'll let Si go first.
I got a dollar says you don't make contact.
- Godwin: Oh! - I'll take that bet.
I'll take that bet.
Get in there and hit.
Martin: You ready? Let's do this.
Si proved yesterday he can't throw a baseball.
Hey, goodness.
This is like-- I can tell you spent a lot of time at batting cages.
I know he can't hit one.
- Martin: You ready? - No, I ain't ready! - Martin: Huh? - Godwin: Whoa, whoa! - I bet a whole lot of swinging - Fire in the hole.
- Si: All right.
- Jep: Si, you're embarrassing the Robertson name.
- He's out! - and a whole lot of missing.
- Nice throw, Alice.
- Whoa! Hey, what's with the high heat, man? And maybe a few balls to the old coconut.
- Martin: Pay up, son.
- Ball four.
First base.
You still lose.
You didn't make contact.
- You didn't throw me a strike.
- Martin: What?! Si: Look here.
Obviously, that game's rigged.
But what these boys don't know is, hey, I'm fixed to clean 'em out on the side bets.
That's the best hustle.
Gentleman's bet.
He's got to hit two of 'em.
- Martin: There it is! - Godwin: Oh, that'll work.
Pay up.
- Gentleman's bet.
- What's the bet? Hey, look here.
I'm fixing to put these boys on a one-way ticket, first class to "Brokesville.
" - Four, five.
- Hey, now.
Hey, you've been hustled.
You're a grown man, get over it and give me my money.
Gentleman's bet.
Jep definitely will hit this one.
Guaranteed.
Thank you for the donation, Si.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
Si took all my dollar bills.
He hustled me.
- Give me a break.
Here's your stupid dollar.
- My money.
- Give me the dollar.
- Martin: Pay up.
Hey, you know what? Hey, all of baseball's defective.
Any of y'all wanna wrestle for a dollar? Si: I'll tell ya who's good at wrestling.
That's Phil.
He's the Indian leg wrestling champion.
- I can beat him now.
- No.
I used to couldn't when I was a kid, but I can take him now.
- This is Indian leg wrestling.
- Yeah.
Not the type where you run around and grab each other.
- Like two bears.
- I know exactly what it is.
Hey, now this is the kind of action I've been waiting for.
Hey, he's gonna turn you over like a cheerleader - and you'll be doing cartwheels, son.
- We'll see.
This is a hustler's dream.
- Gentleman's bet that says Phil wins.
- You got it, pal.
Let's go to Phil's, y'all, and let's do some leg wrestling.
Whoo.
This baby is musty.
- ( kids groan ) - Do you know what that's called? Fish slime.
It'll make your eyes water.
( gags ) Are we gonna eat him? Him and all of his friends.
( groans ) - Willie: What are you doing? - I hit the jackpot.
- The whole house stinks.
- Well - yeah.
- What is that? What's in the sink? It looks like a beaver, but I know it's not a beaver.
It's a beaver.
That's what's stinkin'.
Are we gonna eat the beaver? Now I've lived with Jase, so I'm used to the awful smells that he brings to the table.
Why is that in my sink? I was gonna wash the blood off of him.
Mia: That's a good idea.
Willie: But Korie ain't gonna be so understanding.
Hey.
Oh-- ( coughs ) - Wait, what is that smell? - Jase: It's a beaver.
Jase, why is there a beaver in my sink? - I killed the beaver.
- That beaver smells bad.
- Jase: That's what a rodent smells like.
- But why's-- oh, my-- - Oh.
- It's a crawfish.
How did the crawfish get in the house? Jase: Look, I got some crawfish in the tub.
- I'm purging them.
Don't panic.
- What tub? Where's the tub? - What in the world? - He's an idiot.
That's about 100 pounds of crawfish.
- Puking in our bathtub.
- I'm sick of this.
- I'm sick of baseball spoilers.
- I'm sick of beavers.
- I'm sick of early morning rackets.
- I'm sick of all of it.
- Korie: You gotta get 'em out of here.
- He is gone.
You're not kicking your brother out of the house.
I'm talking about the crawfish.
Get the crawfish out of the house.
- Them, too.
I'll get 'em all out.
- Willie.
Jep: I'm undefeated at leg wrestling.
- Martin: There he is.
- Jep: I practice on Jessica all the time.
Martin: Uh-oh.
Here we go.
- Jep: What you got going, Dad? - There's a fine-looking crew.
Hey, go ahead and tell him, Jep.
Dad, I hereby challenge you to an Indian leg wrestling match.
A what? An Indian leg wrestling competition.
- An Indian leg-- - Is that all y'all got going this morning? I told him on the way down here, he's fixed to get hurt.
Phil: Well, you reach a certain age and you just get past the redneck challenges.
Si: You in? No.
They just don't turn you on anymore.
The only wrestlin' I do is with your mama.
- That's what you're doing here, son.
- Oh, that's just gross.
Ol' Jep's pretty delicate anyway, you know.
Look here, we got big money on this.
- How much? - For a dollar.
Are you nuts? I don't wanna cripple up the poor boy.
( laughs ) I'll tell you what, if a dollar profit is all you're after, I may have something for you.
Oh, here we go.
Won't take you five minutes and everybody gets a crisp dollar bill.
Hey, you're on, sucker.
Hey, this is the bet I've been waiting for, all right? I'll show you something better than Indian leg wrestling.
Hey, it's not Indian leg wrestling, but, hey, it's a sure thing.
The question is how do we get it out of there? - Well, Dad, how did that thing get up there? - Hurricane Gustav.
Gentleman's bet, we'll get that thing out of that tree.
"Go to work.
" Don't ever tell a redneck that.
I'll take that bet.
But you bet him he can't do something here he comes.
Three options.
No dynamite, chain saws, or shotguns.
All right.
Hey, look here, boys.
Sometimes you just gotta go for the gusto.
( clicks tongue ) - The gusto? - Phil: Gustav.
( mimics Dirty Harry ) "You gotta ask yourself a question.
- Do I feel lucky?" - ( alarm blaring on TV ) "Do ya, punk?" - It's the best part.
- ( shotgun cocks on TV ) - Boom! - Willie: Look, here's the deal.
This thing-- I don't know if this is working out.
- What? - The fish guts, the crawfish, - the-- the beaver.
- It was a beautiful beaver.
Jase, this is, like, a problem for me.
You want me to go? Yes.
A thousand times, yes.
No, I'm not saying, "Go.
" I'm just saying I want Jase out of my house.
try to - Get out.
Go.
- You know what I'm saying? Bye-bye.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Willie: But he's my brother.
And you can't kick your family out on the curb.
Willie, I apologize.
I-- you know The porch is still an option, though.
All right, forget it.
Just forget it.
You're good.
Enjoy my chair.
- Jase: You can have your chair back.
- Willie: Forget it.
Go for the gusto! All right, boys.
We gotta get this thing out of the tree.
Si, throw this rope around the boat.
- This side of the tree.
- This side of the tree.
All right, boys, gentleman's bet.
Hey, I'm fixin' to lasso that chair.
- Martin: How many tries? - What are you talking about? - It ain't gonna take but one.
- You're on, Jack.
You boys forgetting I'm a cowboy.
- Jep: Si, you ain't no cowboy.
- Hey.
Hey, this is the bet I've been waiting for, okay.
Martin: Oh, look at him.
He looks like one, don't he? Hey, look here.
Say good-bye to your Washingtons, boys.
Jep: You're gonna lasso yourself.
I'm getting out of the way.
Phil: Si, show them where the power is.
Jep: Si, throw it already.
Phil: Go with it.
Side bet-- we'll be out here at least four hours.
Pitiful.
- All right, boys.
- You're thinking now, Si.
- Jep: Crap, this might actually work.
- Phil: All right, on Si's cue, - y'all go that way.
- All right, here you go, Godwin.
Phil: Just like running to fried chicken.
So wait, Si ain't even helping us out? Hey, you boys are the labor, okay, I'm management.
Oh, good grief.
Si: Hey, look, all your other bets, hey, them was just, you know, getting them enticed.
- I do not work.
- Ain't that the truth.
I bet on people that work.
This is the major payoff.
And, hey, I got a dollar on all three of you that y'all can pull it off.
It's the ultimate hustle, boys.
- Si's gonna count it down.
- All right.
Three - Don't overthink it.
- One.
Pull, mule.
Get after it.
Pull.
- Give it all you got.
- Martin: Good - Harder.
- night.
Keep going, keep going.
Hey, go for the gusto, boys.
- Si, just shut up.
- Show me the money! - ( grunting ) - Show me the money! - Show me the money.
- Come help, Si.
Si: Hey, I know what I need, I need a big whip.
Si, get over there and show them what raw power is.
One, two, three, pull! Si: Pull it, men.
Si: Geronimo! - Man down! - He gone.
- Man down.
- Hey, hey, hey! Just stand up, Godwin.
I'm glad to see this little baby is still floating.
Phil, hey, give me my dollar.
That's the best dollar I ever spent.
Si: Hey, show me the money! - ( Willie sighs ) - ( door shuts ) Oh, my gosh.
What the crap? Jase.
All right, that's it.
I've had it up to here with Jase.
- Korie! - Willie: Strike three million.
- Have you seen the kitchen? - Hey.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Missy.
I didn't know you were back.
- What is this? - Got a little surprise.
- Hey.
- Have you seen-- - Welcome.
- What is that? I thought it was Korie's apron, but I think you look cute.
- Hey, save it for later.
- Missy: Hey.
- Who did this? - That would be your brother.
- Jep? I didn't know-- - No! Your favorite brother.
- You did all this? - I'm trying to bury the hatchet here.
Or in this case, bury the beaver.
( clicks tongue ) I came in here ready to take Jase's head off, but this is a really nice gesture.
I thought I'd put on a little Chef Jase evening.
And I'm starving.
I might have got out of hand a little bit with the dead beaver and the crawfish in the tub.
Although it was practical.
I may have gotten out of hand a little bit over the remote control, TV, beaver in the sink - All right, we good? - crawfish, fish guts down my garbage disposal.
- Oh, yeah.
- That was gross.
- The beaver's still in the yard, by the way.
- So we good now? Yeah.
It's all over.
- Come on.
- No, no.
- Give me a hug.
- Let's just-- hey, no.
If I would've known Jase was gonna run away from a hug, I'd have used that all weekend.
- One touch.
- You're scaring me right now.
- Come here! - ( yells ) - That's some brotherly love.
- Willie: Let's eat.
Father, we're so thankful for all the many blessings You give us.
Thank You for these crawfish and for Jase cooking 'em all up.
- We pray all this through Jesus.
Amen.
- All: Amen.
- Dig in.
- All right, let's get on it.
Willie: Some things in life come as natural to the Robertsons as breathing.
Using a duck call, growing a beard, hustling your uncle for cash, and bringing your brother to the verge of a breakdown.
But no matter what happens, there's nothing better than spending time with your family.
Except being able to go home afterwards.
Your own home.
Hey, Si, Jase and I made it the whole weekend.