Episodes s04e04 Episode Script

When I read that thing, I was like, "Oh, my God.
They're making our show.
" No, actually, the show Bev and I are doing is vastly different from that thing you and I kicked around.
Well, that's not true.
Fucking hell.
I miss this.
Yeah, this is nice.
I meant drinking.
Oh, fuck.
So your type is I'd say smart beautiful slightly damaged.
You know anyone like that? Oh my Oh, we are so screwed.
I disagree.
Darling, we are so screwed that large men with tools could not unscrew us.
Our script is totally different from what's in those notes.
"Totally"? All right, it's got two families played by the same group of actors.
You mean the premise.
Fine, the premise, but it was my idea.
He offered nothing.
All Tim did was type it.
Well, clearly that's where the money is.
And by the way, don't you think it's a little odd that this is the first you're telling me any of this? Because there was no "this" to tell.
It was just an idea.
Well, there's a "this" now.
It just pisses me off that he has the nerve to suddenly claim we came up with it together.
Doesn't matter who came up with it.
You were his partner.
Are you really taking his side? Oh, believe me, the irony of this I am choking on it, but I'm sorry.
He is within his rights.
Wait.
You mean to tell me that if if Albert Einstein came up with the theory of relativity Really? That's who you're comparing yourself to? - To make a point.
- Fine.
If Einstein came up with the theory of relativity And his useless partner, Shmeinstein, did nothing but write it on the board, he should share equal credit? If he's his partner, yes.
And then it would rightfully be called Einstein and Shmeinstein's theory of relativity to the absolute delight of schoolchildren everywhere.
Morning.
Oh, fuck.
Yep.
How much tequila did we have? I'd say just enough.
There goes four years of therapy out the window.
Nah.
Come on, we had fun.
I had fun.
What's bad? So want to do something today? Together? Why not? Your mom's got the kids.
I got nothing.
You got nothing.
I'm supposed to have lunch with my sister.
Okay, so you got worse than nothing.
Come out to the beach.
You haven't been to the house in a while.
Oh, I fucking love that house.
Shouldn't have divorced me.
It's not that great a house.
Ooh.
So yeah? Malibu? Sure, why not? What? You're nice when you're nice.
Hey.
Good morning.
Coffee? No, I'm fine.
Thank you.
- I'm having some.
- Okay.
What a pretty kitchen.
Hello.
- Wow, two islands.
- Yeah.
I like to think that originally they were one big island, but then over time they drifted apart.
Agh! - Milk and sugar? - No, I'm fine.
- Don't you take it with - I do, yes.
Okay, breathe.
Again.
You feel better? A little bit.
Last night was nice.
Oh, last nice was amazing.
I know.
And I got to say, for someone who has never done it before It was a little weird at first.
I mean, there's nothing to hold on to.
Oh, no, it's an adjustment, no question, but, I mean, you picked it right up.
Oh, well.
I'm a people pleaser.
I will say.
Oh.
Oh! I'm trying not to giggle.
Okay, you can giggle.
No, I'm okay.
Do it again.
Watch.
Shit.
Do you got to get that? - No, it's just a reminder.
- About? Just a thing A hike with Beverly.
Oh, of "Sean and Beverly"? Yeah.
I'll cancel.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Go.
Hike.
I don't want to hike.
I want to stay with you Unless you want me to go.
Oh, no, no, no.
I-I want you to stay, you know, unless you want to go.
No.
Unless you want to come? I would love to come.
Unless you think Beverly wouldn't want No, no, she really likes you, and she doesn't like anybody.
She barely likes me.
Okay, great.
Yay.
I just need to run home and change.
Oh, I got stuff you can wear.
Really? You sure? Of course.
You can borrow anything.
Okay.
I like this lesbian thing.
Hey! Look who I found.
Oh, my God.
Helen, hello.
This is a nice surprise.
I hope it's okay.
I don't want to Of course it's okay.
Now she can't complain about work.
Ooh, this is new.
I like it.
Yeah, me too.
So this is a good sign, the two of you together on your first day off.
I gather week one went well.
Would you say it went well? Oh, I'd say it went very well.
Oh, I do declare.
It is getting mighty toasty up here.
- What? - She hates my voices.
What's not to hate? Aw, I think they're fun.
- You do? - You don't.
I do.
Why, Miss Basch, you flatter me.
Excuse me while I hurl myself off this cliff.
Oh! Great.
- What? - I'm out.
Oh, take mine.
No.
- That's crazy.
- Are you sure? Totally.
- Finish it.
- No! - It's fine.
- Really? Really.
You're both welcome to mine.
- We're good.
- No, that's okay.
Thank you.
Morning.
Ah, somebody's in a good mood.
I was just thinking, "How great is it to fuck your wife?" I'm sorry, what? What? Oh, no, no, no.
Not your wife.
One's wife.
I see why you'd but no, no, no, no.
No, no, I just fucked my wife.
Well, ex-wife.
Thank you for clarifying.
It's just so easy.
I know what she likes.
She knows what I like.
I know what she won't do.
She Well, there's really nothing I won't do.
So you and Diane? Amazing.
I know.
Almost a week now.
And the boyfriend? Not that that would ever be an impediment to you.
Done.
Gone.
Bye-bye, Ollie.
All right, I can't believe I'm actually gonna go here, but at one point, you talked about an issue with her Nether.
Oh, the loose-pussy thing? And already I'm sorry I went there.
Yeah, she had that taken care of after the divorce.
She had that surgery where they get in there and tighten everything up.
Dear God.
Yeah, cost me a bundle.
Although looking back, money well spent.
Split a bagel? Hey, anyway.
Look, I know you're gonna say I'm nuts, but I'm kind of thinking I could see us making it permanent again.
- After a week? - Why not? This wouldn't by any chance have a little something to do with your current financial situation? Well, the savings would be considerable.
There we go! Seriously, if I could stop paying alimony and child support? Jesus.
I wouldn't have to sell my vineyard.
You should definitely work that in when you propose.
Look, we never really stopped loving each other.
And being back with my boys full time? Come on.
Plus my money guys think I could get at least $3 million for the house.
So I read through those notes from that Tim guy, and I ran them past legal.
And? You have a legal problem.
- Thank you.
- Seriously? He's got a valid claim.
Legally? Legally, according to legal.
Bloody hell.
So what now? I say let's go pack.
Okay, nobody panic.
Let me talk to him.
If we have to, we'll give him a little something, but don't worry.
I'll make this go away.
- Good luck.
Let us know.
- God, I hope so.
And so the nightmare continues.
- According to legal.
- Perfect.
Oh, good.
The irony bus is here.
Stupid town.
I fucking hate clowns.
You're her friend.
Just ask her.
I can't.
It's too weird.
She's getting bigger every day.
I know.
I figure eventually she'll either have a baby or six Chilean miners will dig their way out.
It's unbelievable.
- What's unbelievable? - Oh.
Jesus, it's like she lives in a clock.
I um I was just telling Andy I found out my cousin Karen is pregnant.
She's not married.
I don't think she even has a boyfriend, but nobody cares because we all love her, and we're just happy for her.
Know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm.
My cousin Franny has alopecia.
Without her wig, she looks like Ben Kingsley.
So we're telling cousin stories.
Hey, have you seen this list from Merc? What list? Possible hosts for his Dutch game show.
Oh.
How is it? Well, it's clear that he did it himself.
Too old.
Too old.
Way too old.
Dead? Mm-hmm.
Since, like, Cocoon.
I think we need a new list.
Oh, and when you get a sec, I've got those budget numbers in my office.
I can do that now.
Great.
See you guys later.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- What? - Mm.
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Oh.
Mm.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hmm? You got to go.
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
I want you out of here before the boys get up.
Why? I don't want to confuse 'em.
Or we could make it less confusing.
I have no idea what that means.
What if we did this in, like, a more permanent way.
Are you still drunk? Before you say no, what do you think of getting married again? Go home.
Is that so crazy? Yeah, that's crazy.
Why? This feels right.
You know it does.
Where are you gonna find this again, huh? With stupid Ollie? At least with me you know what you're getting.
I'll say.
So then what? Someone new? You want to start from scratch? Ugh, so much work.
You have to be nice all the time.
Only at the beginning.
Did you just fart? No.
- Liar.
- Shut up.
See, who else can you fart in front of? Yeah, marry that person.
Oh, come on.
Think about the boys.
Huh? How great would it be for them if we got back together? And it'd be different now why? 'Cause now I'd know what I'd be losing.
You're insane.
Maybe.
Just think about it.
Go home.
You got to admit, this is way better than my last proposal.
- In that you weren't coming? - Exactly.
So you actually broached it with her? I believe I did, if "broached" means what I think it does.
And? She didn't say no.
Well, you didn't think she would just say yes.
She was engaged to someone else, like, two minutes ago.
I'd say yes to me.
Of course, but you're in love with you.
Well, I wouldn't kick me out of bed.
And you're really ready to do this? - Why not? - Um, it's a commitment? I know.
I've made commitments before.
- Exactly.
- This is different.
- Is it? - Yeah.
You're prepared to be faithful this time? Totally.
Faithful.
Yes! No other women ever again for the rest of your life? Okay, let's not get crazy.
It's open.
This just came for you.
It says "perishable.
" Great.
Thanks.
Leave it here.
Diane's favorite thing in the world is these steamed crabs from Baltimore, so I had a ton of 'em flown in to surprise her.
I see the belt-tightening is going well.
I have to tell you, I couldn't even get a meeting with a junior agent from your agency, and now here I am being taken to lunch by the famous Eileen Jaffee.
It's like a dream.
I know.
So I may be way off base, and tell me it's none of my business Hmm? The other day on our hike Yeah? I, um I thought I sensed Mm? a certain I don't know, maybe I'm crazy between you and Helen.
Mm-hmm.
- Really? - Yep.
- Huh.
- Uh-huh.
But you're not Mm? Since when? What's today? Oh.
Oh, my God.
Please tell me this isn't just because you work for her.
No! No, no.
This is totally different.
I would say so.
She is amazing.
It's everything I always wanted in a relationship.
Everything? Well, sure, no dick.
But, hello, those dicks They come with dicks.
Well, yours all certainly did.
But with her, we hang out.
We have fun.
We we do stuff.
I've been to her house.
No.
She thinks I'm funny.
- Really? - Less surprised.
Really? And, uh, the part? Let's just say The lady knows her way around the vagina.
You'd think I'd stop eating.
And, um from a reciprocal standpoint? Oh, well, obviously I've never seen one that close before.
Obviously.
I thought it'd be a little weird, but once you get down there, it's, like, "Oh, I know you.
" Sure.
The best part is when we're She's really there, you know? With those guys, a lot of the time I felt like a sock with someone else's foot in it.
Okay, I'm done.
But with Helen it's like we're together.
It just feels right.
It's easy.
It's nice.
My God.
I know.
It's weird, but I think I might be happy.
It certainly seems like it.
So maybe it was just about finding the right boss.
Maybe.
- Hmm.
- Mm! - Carol and Helen? - Mm-hmm.
I did not see that coming.
I don't think Carol did either.
So Helen's a Apparently so.
But Carol's not officially I don't think she's earned all her badges.
Wendy? Wendy? Wendy! Maybe she hasn't learned that's her name yet.
- Hello? - Hi.
- Hi, guys.
- Oh, hello.
So I just had a lovely lunch with Tim.
- And? - I'm glad I did, because it turns out he doesn't want money.
- Really? - That's a surprise.
He just wants to be involved.
Meaning? He wants to run the show with you.
- What? - That's insane.
By the way, if he's running the show, wouldn't he get money? Yes, but he doesn't just want money.
I should have said it that way.
Well, I hope you said no.
I said I'd talk to you.
I thought you were gonna make this go away.
- So did I.
- Christ.
Look, he's got us over a barrel.
No, I hear you.
Well, if the alternative's a hideous lawsuit, maybe we just suck it up.
I thought the whole idea of this show is that there wouldn't be any more sucking, that we were done with sucking? Mm.
There may be a little more suck.
Hey, Mirtala.
Is Diane around? I think she's upstairs.
Great.
Actually Hello! Hello? Hello? Hello.
Aah! What the fuck? Oh, my God! Get out of here! - Who's this? - I'm Ollie.
- You're Ollie? - I'm Ollie! What the fuck is he doing here? What the fuck are you doing here? - I've got crabs.
- You've got crabs? No, crabs.
Crabs.
You can't just show up here.
Yeah, that's not gonna be a problem.
- What's that? - Crabs.
I got you your fucking crabs.
From Baltimore? Yeah, from Baltimore, but you know what? - You don't deserve crabs.
- I don't know what to say.
He he came over to get his stuff, we started talking.
Well, someone should tell him not to talk with his mouth full.
Wow.
You said you were done with him.
I was done with him.
I was done with you too.
Things happen.
You of all people should know that.
Don't make this about me.
All right, all right, but for what it's worth, I am done with him.
Well, for what it's worth, I'm done too.
I'm sorry.
It was stupid.
It meant nothing.
Not to us.
If it's any consolation, these are delicious.
Nope.
No consolation.
Well, in that case, I am really not a fan.
- I still can't believe it.
- It's so shocking.
I keep picturing the four of you in that shower.
- You're counting the crab? - I was.
How could she do this to me? I know.
Look, I know how you're feeling right now.
No, you don't.
Well, I can imagine.
No, you can't.
Nevertheless, are you sure it's definitely over? Are you kidding me? She said it was a mistake and just a one-time thing.
And I'm supposed to be okay with that? No, but other people have managed to get past things like this.
I don't fucking know how.
Is it worth pointing out the irony of the number of times you've done something like this to her? No.
It is not worth pointing out the irony.
In fact, I will go so far as to say it is never worth pointing out the irony in life to anyone ever.
Noted.
God damn it.
It could have been so good The two of us back together, seeing my boys every day.
And now I'm gonna have to sell my vineyard!