Everybody Loves Raymond s04e04 Episode Script

Hello.
I'm coming.
Hello, dear.
You busy? I was just upstairs folding laundry.
I'm telling you, it never stops.
Well, good for you.
So do you need anything? Oh, yes, I was wondering if you have any nasal spray.
Frank has got oh! What's this? It's a guidebook on how to talk to your kids about sex.
Why? Actually, Ally's already starting to ask questions.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, may I ask what's going on around here that she needs to ask questions? What? Nothing.
You know, they make robes that cover up a person.
What? Yes, with a zipper.
You know, I have to get back to my laundry.
No no, I'm really serious, Debra.
Why would you want to introduce a subject matter of this kind to an innocent child? Listen, you should be happy we're taking care of this, because eventually, she might ask you a question.
But I'm her grandmother.
Yes, but you're a person.
You're a woman.
I don't like this, Debra.
She might ask about you and Grandpa.
Well, if she does, I will change the subject and give her a cookie.
Is that what you do when Grandpa asks? Yes, nothing's off limits.
Oh, Marie, I didn't mean anything.
Anyway, he doesn't ask anymore.
- Really? - Let me tell you something, there are a lot more important things in a marriage than that, like friendship and trust and keeping a neat house.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
People our age aren't preoccupied with these things.
So how long has it been since you've had S- since you started focusing on the neatness of the house? I- I-I don't know.
You haven't Well, no, I wouldn't say never.
I'd say once a year.
Once a year for 20 years? Yeah, on average.
I'll tell you something, dear.
Someday this house will be a lot neater.
Good night.
Ray.
What? What? I just want to watch this.
What, what are you doing? - We have a problem.
- Yeah, I was watching that.
Why didn't you respond to me? I said good night.
Honey, I'm trying to get your attention.
All right, can you just give me one second? This is good.
It's a Scottish guy throwing a log.
For the championship.
Would you turn it off, please? All right.
We're turning into your parents.
Okay, which one am I? I've got some news for you, Ray.
Your sex drive is diminishing.
Well, if you're my mom, what do you expect? I'm serious, Ray.
Look, I used to have to fend you off every night.
Now it's down to less than once a week.
- No, it's not.
No, it's not.
- Yes, it is, Ray.
Yes, it is, Ray.
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if I'm trying less, it's because of all the rejection, huh? Yeah, I'm like the monkey who gets shocked every time he reaches for the pellet.
Do you realize that for the last 20 years your parents have only had sex once a year? - Who told you that? - Your mother.
What?! What?! What?! Why why why did you talk about that? She saw the sex book and we just started talking and she told me.
Well, why are you telling me? Because you're turning into your father.
Listen, things started slowing down for them when they were the age that we are now.
We're not them.
I just kissed you, rubbed your chest, kissed you again in an impure manner.
You never took your eyes off the TV.
to do was be awake.
Sometimes not even that.
I'm still I'm still a sex machine.
Come on.
It was just today.
You know, today, it was a long day and the kids.
I had a heavy meal.
You know what? I don't need excuses.
Come on.
Let's go right now, me and you.
Let's go mano-a-womano.
No, I don't want to do it just 'cause you want to prove something.
I don't want to prove something.
I just love to sex you up.
- All right, stop it, Ray.
- No.
You never want to talk about anything.
I'm ready now.
The monkey never learns.
More cheeseballs? Yep, and keep 'em coming.
It's funny how you and me both like cheeseballs.
Yeah, I guess.
Yep, and the ladies.
The ladies? Yeah, the Barone boys love those ladies.
Hey, any action lately? What do what do you mean "action"? You asking about me and Amy? No, not about you and Amy.
You know, just frequency.
Frequency with me and Amy? I don't think Amy would appreciate her name coming up in this type of venue.
All right, so don't use the name Amy.
Just tell me how often between you and Gail.
Can it not be Gail? Because I have a superior named Gail.
She's a beast.
- Call her whatever you want, I - Vanessa.
Okay, all right.
Say, Rob, how are things between you and Vanessa? Oh, pretty good.
Yeah? Like how often would you say you and Vanessa you know? You know, to be honest, it's not like it used to be.
Why why? What's the matter? Well, no, nothing.
You know, you get older and that's what happens.
It's natural.
Yeah yeah.
- Why you asking? - No, nothing nothing.
Well, wait a minute.
Raymond, do you have a problem? What do you got for snacks? - Here, cheeseballs.
Cheeseballs.
- I'm in.
You believe this game? Oh, holy hell, somebody make a tackle! It's like they're not wearing cups.
So, Raymond, what is the problem? Hey, Robert, this is a pretty good game.
We should just shut up and watch it, right? What problem? What are you talking about? Nothing, Dad, nothing.
Sounds like Raymond's having a little trouble south of the border.
Oh, yeah? Mr.
Johnson not showing up for work? Good one.
Good one.
What's wrong with you? What are you talking about this for? What's the matter? You want me to have a look at it? Oh my God! There's nothing wrong with me, all right? Ray, look, why don't you just ask Dad what you asked me? - Would you stop? - What? We're all men.
Dad, look, how many times would you say that you and Mom Oh, somebody kill me.
And look, by the way, you don't have to call her Mom.
We got a system.
You can pick any name.
- Another name? - Yeah, that way it's not embarrassing.
Yeah, I think we're passed that.
Harriet Lickman.
All right, look, Dad, forget it.
You don't got to answer.
I already know the answer, all right? Your sex drive diminishes as you get older.
- Hey, speak for yourself.
- What? Look, I don't know about Harriet Lichtman, but as far as your mother and I are concerned, the saints are still marching in.
All right, you don't have to exaggerate, Dad.
Hey, in this department I speak the truth.
All right, yeah.
Whatever you say.
Not whatever I say, what is.
- You can set your clock by me.
- Yeah.
If you set it every 20 years.
Hey hey hey, a little respect.
Look, it's all right.
It's all right.
Listen, sonny, if you're having trouble making the wee-wacky-woo-hoo you did not get that from me.
You want to be honest? Let's be honest.
Mom told Debra how much things have slowed down between you two.
Well, I might not be where I was at your age, but I think a couple of times a week is pretty good.
A couple times a week? Holy crap.
That's right.
And now if you'll excuse me, all this talk has kind of put me in the mood.
We should be having sex three times a week.
Where did you get that from? These are the numbers, man.
If we want be doing it twice a week 20 years from now, we should be doing it three times a week now.
- What? - My father told me his stats.
You talked to your father about their sex life? Yes, I did, and listen, everything my mother told you yesterday, lies, okay? My father told me the truth.
It's the exact opposite.
Twice a week.
- No way, no.
- Yes, yes.
No, that is impossible.
Your mother told me flat out once a year.
And since when is she ever straight with you? Well, she didn't lie about this, and Frank would lie especially about this.
- Why you say that? - Because he's a man.
So? So what? I'm a man.
Yeah, well, you lie to me about our own sex life.
When do I do that? What does all night long mean to you? It's a figure of speech.
Nobody really means that.
Men lie, and your father's a liar.
That is not true.
My mother's the liar.
Ray, she didn't lie to me about this.
She opened up to me.
Opened up? She played you like a Hawaiian on a ukulele.
You're impossible.
You know that? Your father makes up a story - and you believe it.
- Because it's true.
Listen, when your mom and I talked, she told me that she Ray.
Okay, I'm telling you Fine fine.
Come on.
All right, look, it's already Saturday.
We gotta do it three times tomorrow.
Hi, Mrs.
Scarpulla.
Okay, listen, I gotta ask both of you a question.
Sure, dear.
What is it? Uh What are you doing? Uh, um She wanted to ask us something.
- What is it, dear? - Uh Yes, what is it, dear? We've been getting some conflicting reports.
And what we would both like to know is how often do the two of you actually Go to the theater? Have sex.
Oh, this is as bad as it gets.
Oh my God! Marie, listen, I would never ask, except Do you understand the meaning of a private conversation? Of course I do, but Frank said something - What did you say? - Hey, I didn't talk to her.
Thanks for blabbing my business! What are you so mad about? You were proud of it.
Just say the number.
No, don't you dare.
Have you no boundaries? Look, I don't care.
If it's out in the open, it's out in the open.
- Twice a week.
- Oh, Frank! What are you saying? Don't lie like that.
- Okay, see? - Hey, who's lying? - What's wrong with you? - Why are we having this conversation? Come on, Marie.
I got a reputation here.
Word of mouth is everything in this business.
I happen to be a lady, Frank.
Ooh! What do you mean, Marie? Is it true? - Yes, it's true! - What? See? Ew.
Why did you tell me it was only once a year? Because this whole topic is improper.
What we do in our bedroom is our own business.
And I prefer not to be known as the whore of Lynbrook.
We can move from Lynbrook.
You know, I don't understand, Marie.
What are you so ashamed of? She's ashamed to admit she likes it.
Oh, Frank.
How do you know I like it? Well who wouldn't like it? Just admit it, Marie.
Yes, it's true.
I enjoy my sex life.
All right? Okay? I mean, forgive me, but in my day a woman didn't discuss these things.
I mean, sex was a wifely duty.
And the truth of the matter is that your father happens to be very competent.
And it's obvious that I'm a woman.
And I have needs like any other woman.
Maybe I shouldn't be ashamed of sex because it's a very natural part of life.
And if I'm lucky enough to still enjoy the pleasures of it, then I'm going to.
Oh, God.
Aren't you glad you came over? Frank, tell the truth.
It's not twice a week.
Well, give or take.
The point is we're not dead.
You know, I can't believe this, but I actually want to ask you something.
Go ahead, dear.
How can you two be so shouldn't you two be tired? What's there to be tired about? I don't work anymore.
What else do I got to do? And you're forgetting the most important thing about the sex.
Oh, God.
The kids are out of the house.
Yeah, for years you were dragging us down.
You remember the night when Robby went to his new apartment? Okay, come on, honey.
I think there's a bottle of Scotch with our name on it.
Hey, don't take this personal, but for the next six months no eye contact.
So what do you think? Oh, stop it, Frank.
I'm tired.
All right.
The soup's good.
So what do you think? I just I want to, but there's still these pictures in my head.
You just shake your head like an Etch A Sketch.
What was that? What that something? The kids? No, maybe not.
Mommy! Okay, I'll go.
Thanks.
Yeah, I'll see you then.