F is For Family (2015) s04e04 Episode Script

1
[Colt Luger! theme song playing]
[man] Colt Luger!
Starring Reid Harrison.
With Edison Hurrell Jones, Kwame Ngugo,
and special guest star,
Dame Agnes St. Clair as "the Old Whore."
Tonight's episode,
"Eeny Meeny Meiny Dead."
[up-tempo music playing]
[bullets ricocheting]
[Colt] It's all over, Mr. Big.
You'll spend the rest of your life
behind bars
and in front of your new husband.
Not so fast, Francine.
-[in Frank's voice] Dad?
-I'm gonna put you down that fucking well.
No!
No! No, no. His crutch is loaded!
Every fucking time!
Frank, wake up! You're dreaming.
[gasps]
[sighs]
Ah, shit, I'm still alive?
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
Oh, shit, I'm still pregnant.
Life is getting better every day
Oh, yeah ♪
This may seem
Impossibly improbable to you ♪
When suddenly you'll find
That everyone is singing too ♪
-Goddamn it!
-Life is getting better every day ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
Things are looking up in every way ♪
-Things are looking up in every way ♪
-[grunts]
[sighs]
Honey, Vivian called
while you were in the shower.
She wanted to make sure
you aren't late for your lunch today.
Oh, I've been looking forward to this
all week. I won't be late.
I just can't find anything that fits.
You look dynamite
in that hot number you've got on now.
It's a two-dollar teddy
from a garage sale.
You make it look like a four-dollar teddy.
Hmm. Last time you said
something like that, this happened.
Good news, I'm not horny anymore.
I'm on pins and needles.
And for Vivian to just call me
out of the blue like this,
it has to be about work.
Or it could be something better!
No, no, no, no. On a personal level,
we can't stand each other.
She wants to start our business again.
I know it.
Well, I'm happy you're getting
a nice day out of the house, honey.
You need a pick-me-up.
You know what'll really lift my spirits
is getting a night's sleep
without you waking up screaming.
Told you a thousand times,
if you just let me down a bottle of booze
before I go to bed,
the nightmares go away.
Frank! [sighs]
You have to deal with the feelings
you're having about your father.
I know you. As much as you hate him,
deep down inside,
you still want his approval.
Do we still have that moonshine
that we took from the diaper kid?
[groans] For God's sakes!
If you keep waiting
for your father to apologize,
it'll never happen.
Clear the air with him.
Ah, Christ, Sue.
Can't I have a Saturday
on this long march to the grave
where I have the house to myself
so I can watch my bowling
and take a dump without lighting a match?
Stop bottling up your feelings!
That's crazy talk!
This is why women live longer than men!
No, it isn't!
It's because you nag us to death
with your fucking eh-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit!
-Frank!
-Leave it alone, Sue!
Just tell that fucking Vivian
I said hello! You look great, honey!
[male announcer] Tonight at 8:30,
America's favorite ding-dong neighbor
drops in on an all-new Bruce Again!
Ow!
[male announcer]
This day couldn't get worse.
Bruce again!
Out, out, out!
You see that, Bill?
That's why you always deadbolt your door.
I will, Grandpa.
Put your hockey gear in my car.
I'll take you to your game
after I buy you a man's lunch.
Okay!
Must be nice, finding a kid
who isn't wise to your bullshit yet.
I'm so sorry I kept you fed and clothed
during tough times.
Oh, did you clothe your own child?
Jesus Christ, somebody get him a Pulitzer!
You know, you should smile more.
You should walk off a fucking cliff.
[Big Bill] Dick!
[Sue clears throat]
-There. We talked.
-You need to deal with this.
It's affecting the whole family.
Jesus Christ, Sue, you're impossible.
You're no pony ride either, my friend.
I'm your husband, not your friend!
Goddamn wheel.
-You okay, Mom?
-Jesus, Kevin! [sighs]
You almost scared the baby
right out of me.
[car engine starts]
Man, she's jumpy today.
-Kevin Murphy!
-What the shit?
[chuckles] Take it easy, Kev.
I'm not mad at you anymore.
If I killed everyone who fucked
my girlfriend, I'd have no friends left
and we'd be down a Supreme Court justice.
Okay.
Hey, I heard some sweet sounds coming
from your basement the other night.
-I wasn't doing anything!
-Oh, yes, you were.
You were making
the kind of fresh, new sound
that we're looking for down at The Kwock.
Sexy, sweaty, and supple.
You know, for young people like us.
Okay.
I can get your song on the radio, Kev.
The whole song this time.
Oh, my God, wait till the guys hear this!
-Let's go tell them!
-Now?
You got to ride the wave
while the fire is hot.
Plus I want to get back in time
for Super Password Plus.
Oh, my God. Vivian brought
all of Plast-a-Ware with her.
This is really big. Go get 'em, Sue.
I'm finally done with Darleen.
All it cost me was half of everything.
So now you only have a one-inch dick?
[all laugh]
Tracy, Gene, and Dana,
you came to your senses
and realized
you couldn't get along without me.
Did you get tired
of licking each other's
fanny holes? [chuckles]
Why would you say
something so hurtful, ma'am?
Ma'am? It's Sue.
Murphy.
Inventor of the Salad Tosser?
Hey, it's crazy Susan!
[men laughing]
You can't treat me like that and expect
to see what I've been working on.
We can see what you've been working on!
[men laughing]
Oh, shit, what are you morons doing here?
Currently, we're tearing down
the sandwich lady.
[men laughing]
[sighs] Thank God I didn't show them
my product ideas.
These will be just for Sue-Viv.
Oh, Sue, I am so sorry.
I didn't call you to talk business.
Well, then why
Guess who, Sue!
Ginny fucking Throater.
Got it on the first try!
[all] Happy baby shower!
[Ginny] Look how surprised she is!
Mom? What are you--
Your father drove me down
so I could share this lovely celebration
with your closest friends.
I need 200 butter tubs right away.
My cats have feline dysentery.
I don't work
at Plast-a-Ware anymore, Julie.
Then why am I here?
-Why am I here?
-You are going to laugh.
A little bird named your husband, Frank,
told us you were down in the dumps.
So I reached out to Vivian and asked her
to set up this little trick lunch.
And because I wanted Ginny
to shut the fuck up, I said yes.
We fooled you, Mommy!
I sure feel foolish.
You may not smoke White Elk Cigars now,
but one puff and you will.
Oh-ho, we're gonna get you.
You're not gonna get me,
you son of a bitch!
-This is great.
-[doorbell rings]
Hang on a second!
That only took an hour.
Ah, shit, you're not the pizza guy.
You're not the guy
I wanted my daughter to marry,
but you've got a bathroom and a place
to wait until the baby shower's over.
[singsongy] Pop-Pop's here!
Where are my grandkids?
[singsongy] They're all gone.
So you can knock off the fucking act.
Oh, I'll tell you, Bill,
this town has changed.
That was an apple orchard.
That was Old Man Turner's farm,
dago deli, Negro orphanage,
regular orphanage.
Hey, before we get lunch,
how would you like your Grandpa Bill
to buy you a new pair of hockey skates?
Really? Grandpa, that would be--
Oh I don't need new skates.
Christ, what's with you?
You're squirming more than a cow's asshole
at a bologna factory.
[sighs] Once, a long time ago,
I stole a hockey stick from that store.
The guy that owns it has it in for me.
It takes a big man to confess.
I can see why
you don't want to go in there.
Thanks.
-Let's go in there.
-What?
Hey! I've got a kid here
who wants to make a confession!
Grandpa, no!
Who the hell--
Big Bill Murphy. Oh, my God!
Welcome back, boss.
You're the boss now, Ben. [laughs]
Billy, in the old days,
this was my hardware store.
Ben here was my delivery boy.
Fastest thing on two legs.
We have a lot to catch up on.
You?
This is my grandson Bill.
He stole a hockey stick from you.
You said your name was Jimmy Fitzsimmons!
There's that Murphy humor. [laughs]
Oh, you really fucked that other kid over!
He's ruined for life!
[both laughing]
Have a lollipop, son.
[Ginny] I'll never go
to that drive-in again.
[Marie] The last we heard
she's still in jail.
Mom, you didn't have to come
all this way from home.
It's a four-hour trip.
Six, with the way your father drives.
He just has to slow down
to point and laugh at the Amish.
But I wouldn't miss your shower
for anything.
This day is all about my little--
[gasps] Gert Gurski! You made it!
-[gasps] Gert?
-Hello, Sue.
That's the Gert Gurski.
The lady lawyer? I have all her books!
She was the second story
on 60 Minutes last week.
What's the stopwatch like in real life?
Is it nice?
How does a famous, important woman
know my mom?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, we were sorority sisters in college.
And your mother saved my life.
Oh, now, I didn't--
Yes, you did.
When my boyfriend broke up with me,
your mom told me
not to let a man determine my future.
Without her, I never would've made
anything of my life.
Yeah, that was damn good advice.
You met the Mike Wallace, huh?
His real name is Myron.
[menacingly] Myron.
-[bowling pins crashing]
-[applause]
Bowling. The only sport you can play
while eating a hoagie.
[man 1] Can't pick up a split.
That's something you vomit.
[man 2] You can say that again!
Congratulations,
your President Nixon shit the bed.
He was your president too until he quit!
I need to get drunk.
Son of a bitch.
Fucking night watchman at the Watergate.
Mind your own fucking business.
Oh, thank God.
-Goom! Goom!
-Oh, uh, hey, Frank.
[chuckles nervously] It looks like
that sick bear came back to the woods.
How'd you like to have a beer and watch
bowling with me and my father-in-law?
I'd love some company.
Evelyn's at the baby shower,
and when I'm alone, that's when I start
-to have dark thoughts about--
-Great, great, get in there.
Guys, you got to help me. I'm stuck
with my miserable prick father-in-law
until Sue gets back
from her surprise baby shower.
I've never been a fan of surprise showers.
So I need a buffer between us.
Come have some beer
and watch bowling with me.
I don't know, Frank, Marie's put me
in charge of the boys for the day.
Daddy, wipe me!
I can come for a little while.
Phillip, you're in charge of Anthony.
But I'm practicing for my hockey game.
Just do it! Be a man!
But I love hockey now!
My head is the star!
Well, we better shove off.
I'm buying my grandson a hearty lunch.
Hey, is that whorehouse
with the good chili still on Elm?
If it isn't the only leprechaun
with a pot of shit
at the end of his rainbow!
Sawitzki! [chuckles]
How's that screen door coming
on your submarine, you dumb Polack?
[men laughing]
[Kevin] Guys,
get ready to have your minds blown.
Our destiny starts now.
[rock music playing]
-It's Vic.
-He's alive!
I ate some green chicken
out of your trash once,
and then I dreamed I went to the moon
on a flying bicycle.
[laughs]
That was no dream.
You went to psychedelic France,
my frog-eating friend.
Now listen up, rock stars.
You boys are full of raw talent,
and I can take you to the next level.
I'll get you on the radio, but you're
gonna have to do exactly what I say.
And I'm gonna ride you hard. Real hard.
Aw, fuck it, I'll go first.
He doesn't want to screw us.
He wants to help us get a record deal.
You better believe it.
Your sound's a little rough,
but, uh, I think we can--
[growls]
[screams]
You pulled my fucking heart out
and fucking flushed it down the toilet!
You whore!
[panting]
All right, let's make a hit record!
[man on TV] Ah, that's almost a strike.
So, uh Stan, Frank tells me
your son's a homo.
-Goddamn it, Goomer.
-Louis hasn't found the right girl yet.
He hasn't found the right father.
Oh, it's always the father's fault,
isn't it?
Sue's told me how much
you hate your old man.
Sounds like a saint to me,
-to put up with your bellyaching.
-You don't know what you're talking about!
I know my father was
a hundred times tougher than yours,
and I came out fine.
You both lose because my dad
was the worst. The worst.
Bad dad contest? Now it's a party.
Oh, and what's Henry Kissinger like?
-[laughs] Call my apartment and ask him.
-[chuckles]
-Did you hear that, Sue?
-Yes, Mom.
He's not Kissinger. He's Kissing-her!
Oh, we've all fucked him. Stop bragging.
[glass clinking]
Okay, ladies, game time!
Oh, Jesus.
Now, I know we're at a baby shower,
but the purpose of this game
is not to say the "B" word.
If you do, you get a clothespin.
Oh, clink!
Now, whoever has the least clothespins
at the end is the winner.
So whatever you do, don't say--
-Baby.
-That's the one. Now--
Baby. Beautiful baby.
She's off to a fast start.
-[Evelyn] Baby.
-[clink]
If she's not gonna follow the rules,
then what's the point of playing the game?
Maureen, honey, why don't you
buy yourself a gumball?
There's a machine by the front door.
You're just trying to get rid of me.
But I'll take it.
[crying] Baby, baby, baby, baby. Baby!
[crying]
Darleen said I wasn't man enough for her.
She didn't mean that.
It was right there in her deposition.
I'd like to be in her deposition.
[chuckles]
Shut up, Gene!
[grunts]
That's cool.
Yeah, no shit. That's why I do it.
-[grunts]
-[glass shatters]
I heard what Amy said
about your mom the other day.
I'm sorry she made you cry.
I wasn't crying. A bum spit in my eye.
But thanks. [grunts]
I hate Amy too. She's always mean to me.
At the play auditions, she smooshed
a tater tot in my script to mess me up.
She's just jealous because you're smart.
You're smart. And tough.
Yeah.
-You want to break stuff with me?
-Does Mr. Goomer shit in the woods?
[both grunting]
Okay, Anthony. Now shoot the puck at me,
and I'll stop it with my goalie powers.
-Hockey!
-Ah!
Stop it!
[yells in French]
Ah! My hockey sweater!
Ah!
You know what? You know what?
You know what?
[Big Bill]
So the fire marshal says, "Big Bill,"
he says, "Thank God you were sober enough
to see that the firehouse was on fire!"
[men laughing]
I inhaled so much smoke
I thought you'd finally sell
one of those useless iron lungs!
[all laughing]
Goddamn polio vaccine.
We all thought it was a terrible thing
what that cure did to you, Bill.
It sure was.
Grandpa, I'm really hungry.
Did your mother forget to breastfeed you
this morning? You're fine.
Go play with the deer rifles.
Men are talking.
Jesus Christ, Bill!
What the hell's wrong with you?
-You're embarrassing me.
-It was an accident!
It was an accident letting you
out of the house without a leash!
Pick them up
before I put you down that fucking well!
Ah!
[Sawitzki Sr.] Jesus, Bill.
[Kevin, Ben, and Lex]
I've got a good thing on my mind ♪
And now they call me Mr. Happy Guy ♪
[beep]
Do you think Kevin's song
has what it takes?
-[chuckles] Does Goomer shit in the woods?
-[boys] Yes!
Kev, this song is like
it's like cocaine for my nose
if my nose was my ears.
Who's this chick you wrote it about?
No, it's not about a girl. I just wanted
to sing about how happy I am now.
Come on, every song's about a girl, Kev.
I wish I had a dollar for every time
I got laid to "Ol' Man River."
The only girl I know is this book nerd
who gave me a book.
I don't like her like that.
She's just smart.
Kevin and smart girl sitting in a tree ♪
Fucking each other in that tree ♪
That's a bitchin' tune too, guys.
It could be the B side.
I'm taking this tape
right to Sandy Calabasas,
and it's going on the radio tonight!
[van engine starts]
It ain't rock and roll
unless you do some property damage.
Go kiss that girl, Kev.
[tires squeal]
He brokeded the candy machine.
One time, when I was six, I lost a mitten,
so my dad threw my bike in the river.
-Oh, that's bad!
-Oh, jeez.
[chuckles] You had it easy!
My dad caught me peeing in our yard,
so he took me to a farm
and made me piss on an electric fence.
Oh, he was playing for keeps!
I came home from the Navy
with a tattoo of Pat Boone on my chest,
and my old man cut it out
with a horse scalpel.
[all] Whoa!
-Oh, I love Pat Boone!
-Nice!
All right, all right, ladies.
-Let me tell you about my old man.
-[chuckles]
Jesus! Stan, show's over.
How you gonna top that?
Sue's mother is a wonderful woman,
but she wasn't the love of my life.
That was a girl named Sophie.
I was head over heels about her.
But my father didn't approve.
She wasn't the right kind of girl for me,
you see?
My father had a friend
on the police force,
and he got this cop to plant
some stolen property in Sophie's handbag.
You know, so I'd see
she wasn't a good girl.
When her father found out about it,
he hit her, and she fell down
a flight of stairs and died.
I was 17 years old.
Stan
I'm so sorry. What a bastard.
Yes. But to this day, I thank my father
for looking out for me.
He saved me from throwing my life away
for some silly infatuation.
I wish I had done the same for Sue.
Get the fuck out of my house.
Gladly.
I ought to tell your wife
she's second to a dead girl!
You do, and I'll give you the business!
[door closes]
The business? Ooh, that guy's the worst.
No, he isn't.
I don't care what any of you say.
My old man is
the worst fucking father that ever lived.
My father turned me in to the Gestapo.
Oh, yeah, that's the winner.
[Babe] Boys, don't grow up to hate me.
Your daddy loves you and--
You fucking animals!
Da-da's mad at me! [crying]
You know what? You know what?
You know what?
I leave you alone for two hours
so I can drink beer,
and this is the thanks I get?
-Phillip, you were the man of the house!
-I don't want to be a man!
That was your mistake!
A butter tub. Thank you, Julie.
I need it back.
Okay! Time to tally up the clothespins
and see who our big winner is.
Sue, you never said "baby" once.
-I guess I didn't.
-But aren't you excited?
You're bringing a new life
into this world.
She's right. My biggest regret
is that I never felt the miracle
of a child growing inside of me.
But what about your son, Babe?
Oh, him. Yes!
I gave birth to him,
not my sister the whore nun. [gulping]
What's the matter, Sue?
Didn't you have a good time
at your shower?
Oh
I'm not doing well.
I really tried to have a good time today
because I didn't want to disappoint you.
Mom, I know I already let you down
by not being successful like Gert.
Oh, don't say that, Sue.
I never expected you to be successful.
Well, I did.
But then I got pregnant,
and I got pregnant again.
It's like I've been in a dark tunnel,
telling myself,
"You can still do it, Sue.
You're almost there.
Just keep moving forward."
And then, as soon as I started
to see the light,
I drove myself straight
into another tunnel, so
no, I'm not excited
because
I guess I just really don't want
this baby.
Well, you'll be a pro in no time
with these skates, Bill.
Grandpa will take you to your game now.
Don't bother.
I'll go with Jimmy and his dad.
-You push-start like a baby!
-[grunting]
Put your shoulder into it!
-Yes, coach!
-Hey, Jimmy, wait up!
[engine starts]
[groans]
[man 1 on TV] Steigerwald facing
the four, six, seven, nine, ten split.
[man 2]
Well, that's the dreaded Greek Church.
I got married in one of those.
[man 1] Today, bowling a 261.
Now he's gonna have
a whole lot of trouble
Hey.
Hey.
-[ball rolling]
-[pins crash]
-[man 1] And he picks up the spare!
-[applause]
Hey, that Steigerwald,
he's something else, huh?
Yep.
You still have that hook when you throw?
Yeah.
I always thought it was a good hook.
Really?
Yeah, one of the best I've seen.
Fluid, natural motion.
-I used to love watching you throw it.
-Thanks, Dad.
I-- [clears throat]
I never knew that you--
-[phone rings]
-Ah, does it ever fail?
-What?
-[Pogo] Frank, I'm sorry to bother you
on a Saturday like this.
You always bother me
on a Saturday like this, Pogo.
The X-ray machine's on the fritz,
and we've got a boatload of flights
to still to get out tonight. [gasps]
I'd try to fix it myself,
but I sneezed and ruined my slacks.
[sighs] Fine. I'll be right there.
Uh, morons at work
fucking up your weekend?
Yep. Got to put another fire out.
You, uh
want some company?
[melancholic music playing]
Sure, if you want.
Whatever.
Peter Pauper's Pizza.
There's supposed to be a slice missing.
Too late.
It's not my fault!
A bird flew off with my glasses!
Maybe I am sitting in a tree.
[horn honks]
[melancholic music continues over radio]
[man over radio] You're listening
to another Sad Sack Saturday
on KWEEP, The Weep.
Ah.
Oh, goddamn it!
[tires squeal]
[horn blares]
Life is getting better every day
Oh, yeah ♪
This may seem
Impossibly improbable to you ♪
When suddenly you'll find
That everyone is singing too ♪
Life is getting better every day
Oh, yeah ♪
Things are looking up in every way ♪
Things are looking up in every way ♪
[whirring]
[gunshot]
[Anthony] Hockey!