Five Bedrooms (2019) s04e04 Episode Script

1
Previously on Five Bedrooms
I'm so sorry.
I know the feeling
wasn't mutual,
but Des was like a father to me.
Cheryl's coming over for
the reading of the will,
so is it OK
if she stays here with us?
$748,374
to Ainsley Olivia Margaret Elling.
750K?
Mm. You don't need to keep
saying the number out loud.
I don't want to end two decades
with a tracking number
and some unwanted
Christmas decorations.
Neither do I.
I was thinking
more along the lines of
us perhaps seeing a counsellor.
OK
Heather and Ed are
in serious strife.
Were you aware that she chose
to stay with me and not him?
Either he's lying to her,
or she's lying to us.
So you won't officially
stay at my place,
but you will unofficially
spend every consecutive night.
The only way
I can get my head around this
is to look at it
as a day-by-day accident.
(LAUGHS) Right.
ED: Morning.
HEATHER: You know that voice
that lives in your head?
That voice had led me down some
shitty roads over the years.
But it also led me here
How did you sleep?
Like someone slipped me a rufie.
to this.
- That's a good thing.
- That's a good thing.
- man.
- Not for everyone, obviously.
But, yeah, I'd pay good money.
I have.
I know you're not going to eat
for about an hour,
But I have kept you both crusts.
Hey, I was thinking,
you know, in honour of
your graduation,
maybe we could throw
a little soiree.
- Not a chance.
- Hear me out.
You don't have to do anything.
You don't have to lift a finger.
- It's not going to happen.
- You want to pretend to
think about it?
I'm 4,000% sure.
That's numerically impossible.
I'm so sure I haven't told
a soul it's happening.
OK. (LAUGHS)
I'm not surprised by that
at all.
No-one wants to see me
in a stupid hat
getting handed a piece of paper.
I do.
That's only
'cause you're my lecturer.
Not anymore.
True.
You're still required by law
to be there.
OK, let's say -
for argument's sake -
we did decide to
do something small.
Apart from the usual suspects,
who would you want to invite?
Whatever you're doing, stop it.
- Ed!
- Yes.
I'm very clearly, very calmly
asking you to refrain from
making any plans, calls,
texts or email invitations.
I sent the invites out
about an hour ago.
HEATHER: I actually thought
I'd found a man who got me.
(PHONE RINGS)
- Col.
- Are you sitting down?
Yep.
Have you checked your emails?
Why?
(LAUGHS)
The earth just moved.
Ed's reached out, personally,
to both of us.
Hang on. I'm just going to
put you on speaker.
I've got to try and find it.
Hang on.
COL: Total vindication.
He's bloody throwing her a
party at his house,
tomorrow before they graduate.
- OK.
- OK, my ass.
This is our worst fear,
writ large.
She never let me throw her
a party in 20 years.
And I've done the google on him.
He's got a massive block.
Off-street parking
for four cars,
sold for 1.4 million in 2005.
It's got to be worth
$5 or $6 million by now.
Col, I'm sensing you're
wanting me to be outraged,
but Ed having money
is a good thing, isn't it?
Oh, Benny. Benny, Benny,
you sweet-hearted fool.
You got no idea what this is,
do you?
Well, it's a casual soiree
with, um, finger food.
She's getting married.
What?
I know, it's like salt
on an open wound.
But at least
we've got each other.
Col you know, I would
follow you anywhere, mate,
but I think you are
I don't want to be right, Ben.
But I am.
- Well, I'm sorry.
- No you're not.
No, no, I'm not.
I'm angry and I'm hurt.
How could you exclude us
from such a monumental moment
in your life?
It's inconsiderate and selfish,
and we are beyond insulted.
I'm not.
I'm looking forward to
seeing where Ed lives.
You know how hard it is for me
to get time off work.
How long have you
known about this?
- A couple of months.
- What is wrong with you?
Oh, just a staggering amount
of shit, and you know it.
You're not hanging me out to
dry for this.
I'm doing you a favour.
You didn't want me
to your graduation.
Because it was on
the other side of the world.
Even if it was just around the
corner, I wouldn't have gone.
I wouldn't go to mine
if it wasn't for Timmy.
- I still might not get there.
- Wow.
- Oh, you are going.
- Have you no shame?
You'll no doubt be thrilled
to hear that I can't come.
I've got counselling
with Stuart.
Oh, great.
I don't want you there.
It's not just about you, Heath.
This is part of
a much bigger conversation.
Your hatred of socialising
is pathological.
What's that supposed to mean?
You're not working
full-time anymore.
You're not raising teenagers.
You're not the most busy person
on earth anymore.
So?
So maybe it's time to
change the broken record
that's playing in your head.
HEATHER: What a crock of
shit. - (BELL RINGS)
Mum, we've talked about this.
You don't have to ring the bell
when we're in the same room.
I agree with Elizabeth.
Thank you, Manju.
That means so much.
I don't agree with everything
you said, just the first bit.
The first bit
Hope you don't look at
your other patients
with such disdain.
You are not my patient, Mum.
I've lost my appetite.
I want to go back to my room.
Can't you wait until
Liz finishes her meal?
No, it's fine.
I'm not hungry either.
(PHONE RINGS)
I hope you're
happy with yourself,
'cause this whole shindig
of yours
Just before you
break into your stride,
this is a three-way chat.
- TIM: Hi, Mum!
- So you're ambushing me now?
Let the man talk quick.
Quicker he spits it out, the
sooner we can end this call.
HEATHER: Spit it out, then.
Well, the keynote speaker
that I had lined up
for the graduation
has just pulled out.
- So? Get someone else.
- I'm trying to do that.
I thought that maybe
you and Timmy might do it.
Then you're an idiot.
TIM: What did I tell you?
Yep. You called it, mate.
I knew you'd knock him down.
He actually had faith in you.
- I really did.
- No, you didn't.
ED: How would you know?
Heather,
I don't want to do it either,
but it's not about what I want
or what you want.
It's about Ed.
It's a huge coup for Ed.
Plus, I already said yes.
So, if you don't do it, you're
going to look like an asshole.
Got to go. Shit to do. Bye!
(TIM EXHALES AND HANGS UP)
Thanks for that.
So, is that a yes?
It's a 'let Timmy
think it's a yes
till I can find a back door.'
Yeah, I'll take that.
Heath Heath, um, I just
Actually, have you got a sec?
Sure.
I just wanted to let you know
that I wasn't as spooked
as Col was about Ed's email.
What?
- Oh, Col gave us a bell.
- About Ed?
Well, not just
No, actually, I think he's
happy for you.
Well, that's bullshit.
It is, yeah. No, he, um
thinks you're getting married.
I genuinely think he was
hit on the head as a kid.
Good. That's what
I thought, too.
And I just wanted to
ask you one favour.
Now, I know you're not big on
spruiking your own wares
and stuff,
but I was hoping I could get
a plus-one to your graduation.
Mel's more than welcome.
No, I was thinking not Mel.
I was thinking Mia.
She's having a bit of
a rough time at school.
I thought you two
could catch up.
Maybe some of your educational
inspo might rub off.
- I'd love to see her.
- Oh, sweet.
You do realise it's a weekday?
I didn't. That's alright.
So you're going to
take her out of school
to inspire her to
go back to school?
Yes.
So, hang on. Should I bring
Mel?
Sure.
OK to send the next one
through?
Thank you, Cynthia.
Just one more of Dr McBain's
and two of ours.
MAN: Harry?
Anton!
Hello.
I thought I was seeing
Dr McBain.
No, he's on leave,
so I'm filling in.
Right. What are the odds?
Uh, if you'd prefer
to reschedule,
if you're uncomfortable
at all?
Uh, no, I'm fine if you are.
Yep. It's nice to see you.
Yeah, you too.
- Please take a seat.
- Thanks.
So are we just
checking your MAP today,
or is there something
in particular?
It's just a mole
I've had for years,
but it started to change,
so I thought
better safe than sorry.
Absolutely.
Just step over to
the examination table
and we'll take a look.
Sure.
(HARRY CLEARS THROAT)
OK. It's probably nothing.
But just out of
an abundance of caution,
I'd like to do a biopsy,
if that's OK.
Absolutely. Yeah.
Unless you're only doing it
so I'll keep my pants down.
(LAUGHS)
Right.
Good day?
No.
I've been copping shit
from every idiot you emailed.
Colin thinks I'm halfway
pregnant and moving in.
You would tell me you
were pregnant, wouldn't you?
Look, I appreciate the gesture.
- No, you don't.
- No, I don't.
- Because I hate people.
- Well, so do I.
I mean, if I had my way,
I'd never leave this house.
You're just saying that 'cause
you know it's my fantasy.
I think you'll find
it makes more sense
for me not to want to leave
the place.
I mean, look around.
This place is fucking massive.
It's not THAT big.
It's bigger than your joint.
It's a lot less crowded.
You know I love your housemates.
- Do you?
- Oi!
Yeah, I'm
I'm quite fond of them, yeah.
- Who's your favourite?
- Oh
Ben.
Are you going somewhere
with this?
- I'm trying
- Get there quicker.
Maybe
you should move in here.
We'd kill each other
in the first week.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Fair enough.
Guess we'll never know.
- What did I tell you?
- Jesus Christ, Col!
(LAUGHS) Don't
sneak up on me like that
- Why are you so jumpy?
- I'm not jumpy.
Hmm. She has
landed on her feet this time.
I mean, this is (LAUGHS)
just the bones,
just architecturally,
let alone the finishes!
But riddle me this -
how the hell does a teacher
end up in a joint like this?
He hasn't earned it.
Not legally.
Probably just invested well.
- I mean, he's an older bloke.
- He's younger than me.
I'm telling you, it's drugs, corruption.
People smuggling.
Maybe Jesus!
- Oh, where did you come from?
- Calm down.
I just got here.
- Do you need a beta blocker?
- A what?
They're not addictive.
I only use them
for big client meets.
But I thought Heather
might need a couple.
Oh, cheers, Col.
Very thoughtful.
Hey, you.
I've missed that face.
These two giving you the shits?
Col thinks
your boyfriend's dodgy.
Where does all the money
come from?
- He probably just
invested well.
- OK. You're both wrong.
His ex is loaded and he got
the house in the divorce.
Oh.
You look lovely.
Did you intentionally match
your blouse to the artwork?
What?
Well, you just clearly
are very comfortable here.
Can you do something
vaguely useful and call Tim?
- He should be here by now.
- Happy to help.
Can you help from over there?
We don't have much time,
so I'm coming in hard and fast.
- What's going on in school?
- The usual.
- You don't want to be there?
- Pretty much.
You're hating your subjects?
Doesn't care enough
to hate them.
You got a boyfriend?
No-one special.
I'm seeing a few people.
It's nothing exclusive.
- Oh. Fair enough.
- Interesting.
So, when you say 'seeing',
what exactly are you saying?
It's too hard to explain.
- How hard can it be?
- It's too hard.
Why don't you
go and get yourself a drink.
So does that mean she's
seeing more than one? What?
Hey. Hey.
She's just winding you up.
It's her job.
(MURMURS INDISTINCTLY)
How's she getting along
with Mel?
You haven't even told her.
There's not much to tell.
Mel's just a new mate.
Yeah, a new mate
you're having sex with you.
Yeah, well, I'm not
gonna tell Mia that, am I?
You won't have to.
For Christ's sake, look around.
Mel's not shagging anyone
else in this room, is she?
There's no way that kid
won't put two and two together.
I'd get ahead of it.
She'll be alright.
Can I interest anyone
in a horse's duvet?
- (LAUGHS)
- Nice.
- That's yours.
- Thank you.
Timmy still hasn't shown up.
Are we concerned about that?
Oh, he likes to
make an entrance.
- He'll be here.
- Cool.
Uh, go. Any one.
(PHONE DIALS)
LACHLAN: Yes?
Are you on your way?
No, I'm not.
Well, I am looking up
in the next 1.5 minutes.
Look, I said no, and I meant it.
- I don't care.
- You do.
And as you are WELL aware,
leaving the office unattended
is a very serious offence.
- It's a felony.
- It is not.
I've already made it
abundantly clear
we need at least
seven days notice.
How many times have I covered
for you with zero notice?
If you're referring to
my medical emergency/
allergic reaction
Burning your bum hole with hot
wax is NOT an allergic reaction.
It is a consequence that
could have easily been avoided.
And, frankly, I question why
you were waxing your nether regions
at 11am on a work day.
(JANGLING)
Are you jingling
your keys at me?
I am locking up.
You wouldn't dare.
We both know that you are too
professional and compassionate
to put me in
such an uncomfortable
You're getting
a massage, Lachlan!
You can't prove that.
Ains, please.
Don't make me the guy has to
sack his favourite co-worker
(SCOFFS)
As if I could make you
do anything.
- Oh!
- (LAUGHS)
Thank you.
Ooh! How long
have you been holding that?
Oh, about half an hour.
- Yeah
- Is it no good?
Oh, I'll get you another one. Sorry.
Oh, um, I had a chat with Col.
He's got a fair bit to say
about your situation
with the, uh,
cash and everything.
Does it have to be right now?
Well, you're the one
waving him over.
No, I was just waving back.
- Oh.
- Ains.
You look lovely.
- Oh, you always say that.
- Yeah, yeah.
I am truly honoured to be
part of the conversation
re the path going forward
after your windfall.
Oh, and thank you so much
for your lovely card.
Oh, well,
you're more than welcome.
I meant every word. He was
He was an intimidating man.
Now, you've been in real estate
for five years?
So you would probably know that
there's nothing safer.
I mean, it's literally a saying.
BOTH: as safe as houses.
And I was saying to Simmo,
your options are endless.
Well, there's two.
You can either
buy as an investor
or as an owner-occupier.
So I know
that's a lot to take in.
Not really.
But you want your money
working for you,
not just sitting there.
You want to working ASAP.
- End of sermon.
- Aw.
- Thank you, Col.
- That's alright.
If you want me to take you
through the journey
I had with
the Doyle family of abodes.
I'm more than happy.
Oh, I That's very
generous. Thank you.
Just know that if you give me
4-5 hours of your time
- Oh!
- I would change your life.
Don't answer now.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- But just think about it.
- Ah.
What brings you here today?
- Do you want to
- No. Ladies first.
Um
Well, we've been married
for just over 13 years.
14 years next month.
And I very recently cheated
on Stuart, with another woman,
with whom we were both
very close.
Is that affair ongoing?
No. Because I'm not gay.
It was a catastrophic failure
for everyone concerned.
I'm assuming that includes you.
I'm not saying that I'm
perfect,
but her affair did
Look, I should probably
declare that
I mismanaged our finances
for several years.
Yes.
And lied to me about it
over several years.
To the point of bankrupting me.
But instead of telling me,
he fled the country
and left me to
deal with the fallout alone.
But I did then work my ass off
to make things right,
and then supported you
financially through
Well, you were paying me back
with my money.
Because I wanted to do
whatever it took
There's still a lot of love
between us.
Yes, there is.
And the sex is still great.
STUART: Honestly, it's
a little hit-and-miss for me.
Are you holding your breath?
Right. Copy that.
Just hits you like a brick wall
every time, doesn't it?
What is it? The height?
The complexion?
Animal magneti?
OK, that's not good.
Yeah. What do you think
they're saying there?
Oh Heather's smiling.
That's not necessarily
a bad thing.
- Oh, I'll just go for a sec
- Too late. She's on approach.
- OK, just
- I'm right behind you.
- What's wrong with you?
- Hey, hey, big boy.
- Hey.
- Sorry I'm late.
The fucking kid
got conjunctivitis.
Oh, that's alright.
Well, hey, here she is.
Um, Mel, this is
my daughter, Mia.
Mia, this is Mel.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Are you graduating too?
- Hell, no.
I left school at 15.
Never looked back.
- (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
- Cheers.
Yeah, cheers.
- (GLASS CLINKS)
- ED: Ah, thanks, everyone.
If I could get your attention?
I want to thank you all for
coming to Heath's graduation.
- Heath, come here.
- Yeah.
Um
Congratulations.
I know there's nothing I can
say that's not going to sound patronizing.
So if I can politely ask
all of you to fuck off.
(LAUGHTER)
And if you can, join us
for the official ceremony.
- (AINSLEY CHEERS)
- Um, that's it.
- Thanks, everyone. Cheers.
- (APPLAUSE)
That was a lot less painful
than I thought it was going to be.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, sorry to interrupt.
I just thought I'd give you
a little present.
Ah, let me guess.
- E-Bay gift card?
- Yeah.
So I just wanted to let you
know that I spoke to Timmy,
and he's had a bit of a morning,
so he's going to meet us there.
That marble in the
What kind of morning?
He's had a run-in
with some gummies.
Yeah. He
Look, he wasn't
feeling anything,
so he's dropped four in a row.
And let's just say
they're coming on now.
But it's a rookie mistake.
We've all been there.
I mean, what did we do
to get you down
when you were off your face
on hash cookies?
You didn't. I woke up in Darwin.
- Was it Darwin?
- Yes, it was Dar
OK. OK. So we know
that he's on his way.
That's That's a win.
I guess we'll just reassess
when we get there. Yeah?
Can I get a lift with you?
- No.
- Yes.
COUNSELLOR:
Try not to look away.
What are you seeing?
Um
Just so much
Pain.
Sadness.
And confusion.
Regret.
So much regret.
But even when we
really hurt each other,
I think we've really just been
hurting ourselves just as much.
I agree.
When I found out about
the cheating, I was devastated.
You know, I
I felt rejected, humiliated
and ugly.
Like I didn't even deserve love.
You do deserve love.
Thank you.
Simone made a pass at me.
Sim
Bruce's wife?
Yes. She gave me a
performed fellatio on me
a few days before
I got to Melbourne.
You are fucking kidding me.
COL: Have a beta blocker, Heath.
Just have half,
to take the edge off.
- I don't want any.
- (PHONE RINGS)
Mate, it's me.
He knows it's you.
No, we're on the ground.
I'm not sure how far we are
away from the actual
We're 2 minutes away.
OK. She's pretty wound up.
No, we're 2 minutes away.
I can't understand
what you're saying.
You're not getting it.
OK.
OK. Got it. Hang tight.
We're on our way.
He's in the accessible toilet.
I'll see you in there.
- You don't want me to
- Just go.
HEATHER: Anthony Timothy Doyle,
get on your feet right now.
I don't care how hard it is.
Do you understand?
Gonna leave the door open.
It doesn't feel right,
being in here,
'cause I'm not
technically disabled.
Didn't stop you using
Uncle Herb's parking permit.
Oh, OK. That was a gift.
And I've only ever
used that twice.
OK, well, just leave
the fucking door open then.
OK. It's open.
(GROANS)
OK. Alright. Hang on.
OK, just Just, weight down.
I think you're hurting him!
I'm not hurting him.
OK, that's it.
Knock, knock! It's Sim. Simmo.
Kevin. Bennie's mate.
No. Yeah. Come on in. - For
fuck's sake, just walk in.
OK. Is he breathing?
Of course
he's fucking breathing.
Why are you here? - I brought
the bounce-back bag.
Always keep it in the ute.
What's in it?
Maybe just lock the door?
OK, you've got your pseudos,
antihistamines,
couple of pingers,
couple of jazz darts,
just a tiny bit of go-ey, adrenaline.
Where the hell
did you get adrenaline?
I can't answer that, Heath,
but I can tell you on my life,
it's as pure as the driven snow.
- (KNOCKING)
- Agh!
- (STAMMERS) Occupied.
- AINSLEY: It's just me.
I thought you should know that
the official people
are clustering together.
I think it's about to start.
(GROANS)
- Help me get him up.
- OK.
On three - two, one
- Just one, two three is fine.
- Go down. On one.
- And three.
- Just
Right.
A very warm welcome to our
distinguished guests, staff,
families, friends and graduates
to our commencement ceremony.
In the words of Orrin Hatch,
there is a good reason
they call these ceremonies
commencement exercises.
Graduation is not
You probably
don't remember that time
I almost had sex
with that real estate agent?
Ah Oh, the emojis fella
you didn't think
was flirting with you? Yeah.
Yes, so, he's texting me again,
and I still can't tell
if he's flirting.
(APPLAUSE)
I mean, mate, that's
that's flirting. All day long.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Well, he's sent you, what?
Seven text messages
in 10 minutes.
He's probably already nude.
You want to fly something
back for you?
- No, no, no.
- You got to get back hard.
- I've got a couple of gifs
- No, no. He's a patient.
- So?
- so he's in my care.
Yeah.
Well, let's just say
it's frowned upon, ethically,
and morally.
Mm-hm.
Chiarella, William James.
OK, listen to me.
You wrote your
year 12 English exam
off your face on mushrooms
- PROFESSOR: Elizabeth
- and you got an A.
You can do this.
Doyle, Anthony Timothy.
(APPLAUSE)
Doyle, Anthony Timothy.
I love you so much.
I believe in you. Go on.
For a while there,
I wasn't sure whether
Timmy would ever read or write.
Now look at him.
I'm his mum. Give it to me.
I'll give it to him when
his motor function's back.
It's OK. Got it.
Just read the next name.
Doyle, Heather Marie.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
OK. Up we get.
Whoo!
Dubois, Stephanie.
Let your man see.
- What is it?
- Bourbon soda. Zero fat.
There you go, mate.
PROFESSOR: 1⁄2Fasil, Adara.
That wasn't too bad.
(PROFESSOR CONTINUES)
No, it wasn't. It was worse
than I could possibly imagine.
I'm sorry.
You don't have to
get back up there. OK?
(PROFESSOR CONTINUES
CALLING NAMES)
Can I ask you a question?
You don't have to ask
if you can ask a question.
Are you sleeping with my dad?
As often as I can, yeah.
(LAUGHS)
PROFESSOR: Laurence,
Katherine Rosemary.
And a hearty congratulations
to each and every one of you.
I would now like to introduce
our final speakers for the day.
(WHISPERS) I can see time.
What's he saying?
He reckons he can see time.
- Walls hurt.
- Join me in welcoming
- The walls now hurt.
- Heather and Timothy Doyle.
(APPLAUSE)
- Please don't leave.
- I'm right here.
I'm right here. Look at me.
Yeah?
Uh, my kid and I were meant to
do this together.
But as some of you
may have noticed,
he's currently, um
indisposed.
In even worse news,
he wrote the speech,
and he's too stoned
to tell me where it is.
Which is a shame.
'Cause he's
much smarter than me.
If it wasn't for him,
and our head of department,
Ed Laurent
I would have dropped out
in the first week.
Ed
you are, without question,
the best teacher I've ever had.
And I'm not just saying that
because I'm sleeping with you.
(GASPS)
I I wish I had
something profound to say.
But I don't.
You know, maybe maybe that's
the point of education
working out that
no-one knows anything.
Yeah. I might just Uh
I'll
Yeah, I'll leave it there.
Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. Cheers.
- (APPLAUSE)
- Yeah.
Well, let's continue
with the formalities.
LIZ: You fucking crucified me.
STUART: I did not.
LIZ: You helped me out to dry.
You made me question
every fibre of my being.
You were looking at me like
I was some kind of degenerate.
And the whole time,
you're sitting on the fact
that you fucked Simone!
I didn't fuck her.
It was just a blow job.
But that's all I basically
got from Geri!
And before you ask,
no, I didn't return the favour.
So can you tell me -
what is the difference?
Well
The fact that we both
had history with Geri.
I have known Simone
for 10 years.
OK, so we're even.
I'm done here.
Liz!
Liz, you can't just walk away.
You fucking did.
You took everything from me.
You took my home, my career,
my reputation,
my my self-belief.
And then, THEN,
you came crawling back
and you threw my eggs
in my face,
like some sort of
fucking consolation prize,
like an afterthought.
And I still found it
in my idiotic heart
to forgive you.
And a lot has happened
since then.
And I believe we are much more
on an equal footing now.
My asshole, we are.
(SCOFFS)
What is that supposed to mean?
I don't
I don't want to help you heal.
Oh, so you What?
No. You just don't get to
end it like that.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(EXHALES)
How much of that did you hear?
Well, I'm not deaf.
OK, then.
I have nothing to say.
But I'll say just one thing.
He was not the one for you.
You didn't think to maybe
mention that earlier?
You were not ready to hear it.
Of course, it'll get harder
for a time.
There will be many
younger women.
His options will seem endless.
It is the way of things.
He was a noose
around your skinny neck.
Now, you don't have to
wait for him to leave you.
I I actually just left him.
Whatever.
You are on the other side
of the mountain.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Why can I smell grog?
'Cause you've been drinking.
Oi, how good was it
to see Heath?
How funny is Timmy?
I know. It was pretty funny, eh?
And Heath's speech.
Yeah, I know. She's just
on the spot.
Mel's pretty cool.
Is she?
Does Mum know
you have a girlfriend?
Mel? She's not
not my girlfriend.
Mmm So you're just
sleeping with her?
Yeah.
Oh, no. Hang on. I
What? I don't give a shit.
It'll be a different story
with Mum,
but I'm not going to tell her.
Yeah, but, mate, the thing is,
I don't mean
it's just some sort of
Because I don't It's not
The thing with
Mel and me is
(LAUGHS)
- What are you laughing at?
- I don't care.
I mean, if I was
sleeping with someone,
I wouldn't be telling you.
Wouldn't you?
It's all good, man.
It's all good.
(WHISPERS) Shit.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah. Ah.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah.
Ciao.
Have a seat. Won't be long.
Thanks for coming in.
I was already in.
Into my office, obviously.
(SIGHS)
Look, these chats
are never easy.
Do you know
why I called this meeting?
Because I left the office
on the office unattended.
You left the office unattended.
That was a rhetorical question.
Sorry.
It's a bit late for that,
I'm afraid.
Your recent insubordination has
reflected badly on all of us.
And as your direct superior
I'm afraid I can't just
turn a blind eye.
- I understand.
- Don't interrupt, please.
As I was saying,
ordinarily this sort of
reckless behaviour
would result in
immediate dismissal.
- However
- I quit.
What?
I quit. Effective immediately.
Um
Ha Has this got
something to do with your dad?
In a way, yeah.
But it's more about
me and you
- Me?
- and me having the means
to stop putting up
with your bullshit.
- Uh
- (DOOR OPENS)
You are a self-absorbed,
tiny-minded,
superficial boor,
and you don't have the skin
tone to wear half of your outfits.
And your dance moves
are a disgrace.
(GASPS)
I
I am not boring!
I swear on both my boys lives
that I will never intervene
in the natural order
of your world.
- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS) Never again.
Just while we're on
natural order
I've given it
a lot of thought
And I'm not moving in.
- Thank you.
- No worries.
Really?
Mmm. I'm actually
a bit sick of you.
Just for the record,
I wasn't asking you to move in
to look after me.
I didn't even like being
mothered by my own mother.
Good to know.
And I've got a pretty good
funeral plan.
It's already paid for, so no
caretaking required, ever.
What if you have
some horrible accident?
Put a bullet in my own head
before I'd let you wipe my ass.
Gonna run a bath.
If you'd care to join me?
Bit presumptuous.
What if I want different
bath salts?
I'm open to suggestions.
Or I can just
run you a separate bath.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
You've got a choice of
bathtubs?
Who lives like that?
(LAUGHS) I do.
It's actually quite offensive,
when you think about it.
Well, I did think about it,
and I got a state-of-the-art
recycling system.
So I'm practically off the grid.
I can run two baths,
if I want to.
So
you can go and get fucked.
I'm moving in.
ED: Key's in the bowl
next to the front door.
HEATHER: That's a stupid place
to leave keys.
ED: (LAUGHS) So move it.
Next time on Five Bedrooms
It is my 40th.
Wouldn't be a birthday
without a surprise landing.
FRIDGE: Benny!
ALL: (CHANT) Benny! Benny!
I think I figured out what
I want to do with Dad's money.
I'm going to start a business.
I think they thought
I was suggesting that
he and I
go into business together.
Don't shit where you eat.
First rule of business.
MEL: He wanted you to pick,
so he's definitely into you
Look, if you need somewhere
to be, just come to mine.
She was asking me about this boy
who wants her to watch porn
with him while they
And Mel was on board with this?
She said they could
use her house.
I was expecting you to screw
around with me, not my kid.
Dude, I'm helping her.