Franklin and Bash (2011) s04e04 Episode Script
Good Cop/Bad Cop
Thanks for the party, guys.
Well, thank you.
You are so sweet.
You know, we really don't take enough time to appreciate how good we have it.
Couldn't agree more.
Wouldn't trade my life with anyone.
Me neither, buddy.
How about that guy? Nope.
Not him or his huge castle.
[Chuckles.]
But if you could trade places for one day - Someone else? - Yeah.
I guess I'd be you.
- Thanks, pal.
- Yeah.
That way I could see through your eyes how awesome it is to hang out with me.
Well, actually, you wouldn't be able to see you, because you'd be inside of me.
No, I'd be insi wait.
How did I get inside you? You asked to be inside me, and I said okay.
There's our favorite client.
- Dewey.
- Hey, guys.
Buddy, ready to have some fun? Yeah, are you are you sure this is gonna work? Did that seriously come out of your mouth? - Come on.
- Come on, Dewey.
Who you talking to? Franklin and Bash.
Oh.
Po-po.
Don't worry about it.
How we doing? You know, I got a little sand in my Mai Tai, but other than that, I am peachy keen.
That is a shame.
You want me to get you another one? I would love one.
Look, uh, as far as I'm concerned, you can stay here all day.
Sweet.
That sounds like a great plan.
I think we may do that.
Yeah, why don't you grab a beer and join us? You know what? Maybe we should go.
That's tempting.
Uh, the only problem is you're trespassing.
Guy up there called.
Well, besides being a rich dick who spends way too much money trying to keep people off the public beach, he's also wrong.
He would know.
He's the son of a rich dick.
Yep.
See, we're not trespassing, officer.
This man owns the property.
So, as a matter of fact, you're trespassing.
- Besides, we can't leave now.
- Why not? 'Cause we're about to attempt to break our personal record for most smashball hits.
So, honestly, we can't stop now.
You're not even playing.
- We're about to.
- Is that right? - You ready? - Yep.
Let's do this.
[Both grunt.]
Guys, maybe this isn't a good idea.
Come on, Dewey.
You ready? You need to warm up? I'm ready.
Let's do it.
Both: One.
Two.
Ooh! - That was two.
- That's two? - Oh, you're counting the serve.
- Always count the serves.
Dewey, want to be the ball boy? Yeah.
Um, we You know, this guy is serious, I think.
Tell you what, officer, you can have winners.
All right.
See? Something to look forward to.
Get out some I.
D.
s, boys.
- Wait, what? - What? We're writing tickets.
We can't stop.
- 'Cause we got 761.
- Go ahead.
Yeah.
It'll be it'll just take a second.
- Name, please? - One.
Two.
Oh, my name.
Uh, Dewey.
Dewey Barba.
Told you this would work.
Ooh, what a mixture Such a vivid picture Ooh, what a mixture If I must say so myself [Party music plays.]
Jared: I thought it was over, but then getting the trespassing tickets was a three-point shot at the buzzer.
That forced overtime.
There's still work to do.
Dewey: Guys, I'm sorry.
I-I-I don't know.
Maybe it was the 20 years I spent on the road following the dead, but I-I I don't get it.
Dewey, it's called adverse possession.
It's how your rich neighbor expanded his deck onto your property.
Under the law, if you abandon your land for a period of five years Whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
Wait a minute.
I didn't abandon anything.
I just went to Costa Rica for a little while.
I was growing the Pitahaya Berry.
It's gonna change the way the world looks at food.
Mm-hmm.
You were gone for nearly five years.
That's a little bit more than a while.
Yeah, and the five-year limit for bringing this up as a civil case expires tomorrow.
Time has no meaning in the jungle, pedro.
But here it does.
Now, while you were growing your, uh Pitahaya.
Pitahaya! Anyhow, Harcourt established possession of part of your land.
Now, if he did that in an open, notorious, continuous way Jared: Anita, we tried this.
Dewey, can I have your beer? No, no.
Uh, it's only my third.
Let's just say this beer is your land, okay? Okay, stay with us.
This beer is your land.
This beer is Harcourt's land.
You go to Costa Rica.
Harcourt's watching your beer Wanting your beer.
He's so thirsty.
And he makes it look like it's his beer.
He takes a sip.
Dewey: Uh Mm.
It's his beer.
See, he walks around with it, makes sure that everyone knows it's his beer.
Happy new year! All: Happy new year! Happy new year! Okay, Dewey, stay focused, okay? Now, if this happens for five years Can I just have my beer back? No.
No.
It's not your beer anymore, because under the law, Harcourt possessed it for five years, made like it was his, and you didn't stop him.
That's why we made sure you got a trespassing citation.
See, we're gonna use the criminal court to get your adverse-possession hearing heard.
That's the only way a judge is gonna hear your case.
Do you get it? Do I need to? Well, I do.
I'll start researching trespassing defenses.
Ah, ah, ah.
Tomorrow morning.
Tonight, we're gonna try a little experiment.
We're gonna see if you know how to relax.
[Chuckles.]
Come on.
Come on.
All the way.
All the way.
[Indistinct shouting.]
Not fair! Yes.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Whoo! You cheated! How did I cheat? At the beginning, you pushed him.
- Nope.
No.
- You did push him.
- Repositioned.
- Thank you.
That is totally legal for the purposes of avoiding a lobster collision.
- You pushed him.
- Thank you.
- No rematch.
- Collision? Look at him.
He's still sitting there.
He's a bystander.
You got to give it to her.
She can relax.
He's still just sitting there.
Uh-oh.
It's that cop from the beach.
Excuse me, can I see your hand stamp? Got a complaint, all right? Loud party.
Really? [Chuckles.]
You think this is loud? What's that smell? - We have a pet skunk.
- Yep.
Lobsters, skunks You guys got a regular petting zoo going on in here, huh? [Chuckles.]
Now, uh, you boys know I got probable cause to come in and check I.
D.
s.
But I won't 'cause I'm busy.
Too busy, all right, to be breaking up parties and wasting my time in a courtroom.
We hear you.
We don't like being there, either.
But it's a livin'.
Mm-hmm.
Plead guilty, pay the trespassing ticket, and don't make me waste my time in court, all right? Then I won't have to come back here looking for your skunk.
Who knows what else I might find? Eh, it's just an act.
He's trying to intimidate.
Yeah, let's go with that for now.
Pbht! Good to see you.
Mr.
Satoh's office called to confirm.
Oh, of course I will be going.
Th firm needs another big client a whale.
So, I will be like Ahab, standing on the bow of my longboat with my harpoon Damien, what are you doing here? Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
Go on.
Does this story end with you giving Herman melville the idea for "Moby-dick"? No, I was just getting to a yarn about an epic game of hearts I had with Gregory Peck, but please.
Come on in.
[Sighs.]
So, I've heard whispers that you told the state bar you had sex with Rachel King instead of me.
How could you possibly know that? How could I possibly not? There were 641 witnesses.
You took the blame for her accessing the clients' accounts by saying what? You were a sex addict? Yeah, but that was just a fantastical story made up by Peter and Jared.
Wait a minute.
You seem to be peeved that I fell on my sword for you.
I'm pissed.
I'm not peeved.
I know the Mary Poppins accent makes you seems smart, but I can't believe anyone's still buying it.
I was just trying to protect you.
You seem so angry.
No, you're not protecting me.
You are emasculating me.
You're turning me into Fredo.
I-I-I'm Infeld's idiot nephew who needs your protection, which I do not.
Damien, you're my blood.
You are my sister Penelope's youngest son.
No.
That's the problem.
I am a lawyer.
I am a very successful lawyer.
Why can't you see me that way? I powdered your bottom.
Okay.
Great talk.
Peter Bash, Jared Franklin, Dewey Barba, appearing jointly on a trespassing charge.
How do you plead? Not guilty as to all three, Your Honor.
Mr.
Barba wasn't trespassing as he actually owns the land at 412 Palisades Drive, not Mr.
Harcourt.
We were his guests, Your Honor.
Robert Harcourt? The media guy? Yes, Your Honor.
That's some pricey dirt.
Your Honor, we also have a title showing Mr.
Barba's ownership of the property.
There you go.
What makes Harcourt think he owns it? Adverse possession.
We disagree.
[Chuckles.]
Your Honor, traffic court is hardly the place to decide a property dispute.
- Aww.
- That's adorable.
Judge Walsh: Really? 'Cause all I do in here is try speeding tickets.
This guy's defense A selfie he took in front of his speedometer.
Lady before him claimed gummi worms were responsible for a DUI.
Better eat your wheaties, Mr.
Darsow.
We're going to trial.
Is that our cop friend looking at us? Don't look.
How am I supposed to answer if I don't look? Oh.
Okay.
Look.
[Scoffs.]
[Scoffs.]
He just We might have a problem.
Yeah.
You looked right at him.
Hey, you said to look.
That was real discreet.
You must give me the name of that wonderful green tea.
Your experience in shipping is very impressive, Mr.
Infeld.
You are in consideration for our business.
Thank you.
One day, ask me how I was demasked at rounding the cape in a single-handed race.
I survived for eight days on my own urine and one dehydrated yam.
- Uh, tell me tomorrow.
- Ah.
Have you ever been to a Korean spa? Sting-eeh, gah-cho-tah.
I don't understand.
Really? Well, maybe it's a local dialect.
Ah! Whenever you are ready, Mr.
Karp.
Excuse me.
By the way, really nice suit.
I thought you only broke out the savile rows when British rock stars died.
Are you here trying to sign Satoh as a client? No.
No, no, no.
I'm here trying to steal him from you.
There's a difference.
Well, how did you know I was here? It was difficult.
I-I called Meg, and I told her I need to speak to you about a family emergency, and she gave me your entire schedule.
Crack staff you have there on Deep Space 9.
Fine, Damien.
If you prefer to eschew the family discount, then you will pay the full freight of my unvarnished wrath.
Okay, if that's Infeld-ese for "this is war," bring it.
[Sighs.]
Peter: So, you're saying no? I'm saying I'm not listening.
Siamese twins should be able to use the Diamond Lane.
It's a textbook class-action suit right up our alley.
There's nothing textbook [siren wails.]
Oh, no.
Uh, switch places with me.
I have two tickets.
Your record's clean.
- "Switch places with me.
" - Just pull over, man.
Just hop over.
You're selfish.
I'm selfish? Okay, well, you know what? Let's switch places right now.
He'll never see us.
I'm just sayin'.
We could've.
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
[Sighs.]
What's this all about, officer? Driver's license, please.
Oh, come on.
You know who we are.
[Slowly.]
Driver's license.
Oh.
Didn't realize it was you.
What are the odds? Fairly high, actually.
Both hang out in Malibu.
Who knows how often our paths might cross? That sounded like a threat.
Uh, threatening is illegal.
I either do something or I don't.
That definitely sounded like a threat.
You made an illegal U-turn.
No, I didn't.
You have one of those dashboard cameras, right? - I mean, that could tell - Oh, you know, I do.
Shoot! I had it turned off, which makes it, uh, my word against yours.
Okay, look, we had to take the trespassing case to trial.
And not because we want to waste your time, but because if we don't, our client has already lost his land.
And we needed that trespassing ticket.
Okay.
Uh, it should go well with the one I'm about to give you.
Oh, come on.
This is bullshit.
You get another ticket for obstructing an officer in his duties.
Anything else to say? Either of you? [Clears throat.]
Great.
Please stay in the car.
[Slaps door.]
- Dude, we're getting bendered.
- What? Judd Nelson in "Breakfast Club.
" Principal Vernon keeps giving him detention.
"For two months, I got you.
I got you.
" Let's go talk to this guy.
Excuse me, Officer Mueller Mueller: Hey, what are you doing? I told you to stay in the car.
Whoa, whoa.
We just feel like we got off on the wrong foot.
Look, we had to take the trespassing charge to fight You get another ticket for disobeying an officer of the law, all right? You want to go for four? All right.
Now, this is just gonna take another minute.
Get back in the car right now.
Okay, who is this guy? I know.
We need to find out.
I seem to remember you being tight with a cop.
Peter: So, wait.
Karp not only doesn't appreciate what you did for him, he's also pissed about it? When I'm finished with my nephew, there'll be nothing left but bones and teeth.
[Both mutter.]
[Sighs.]
Maybe I should just leave well alone.
Maybe we should think this over.
You, you You're going through rehab for a fictional sex addiction.
We just got you reinstated.
And I did that for Damien, and this is the thanks I get.
Exactly.
Well, let's face it.
I do leave a large footprint.
I mean, my accent, piercing blue eyes, my intensity.
And perhaps I think that everyone moves with the same kind of vigor that I do, and it overpowers.
He's not gonna listen to us.
He's not listening to us now.
The sound of my voice is preferable to yours.
Oh, listen.
[Groans.]
Did either of you do anything to annoy a police officer lately? Uh Why? Well, as you know, I'm an honorary deputy sheriff Mountie division.
We were unaware of that.
Not surprised.
Yes, well, I got a call from downtown.
For no reason, they're threatening to make me turn over my shield.
We promise you'll keep your shield, sir.
Oh, and, uh, thank you for the advice.
I'm off to annihilate my nephew.
Yeah, I don't oh, well.
Did we give him that advice? We didn't give him any advice.
He doesn't hear us anyway.
You want to know why? Both: [Imitating Stanton.]
'Cause his voice is preferable to ours, boys.
[Imitating stanton.]
I'm infinitely more terrifying than you.
[Normal voice.]
Okay, now that we've bought ourselves a day in court, we need some evidence to support your case.
Dewey, did you do anything in the past five years to discourage Harcourt from building on your land? Uh, no.
I mean, I remember coming up for a weekend somewhere in there.
Jimmy Buffett show.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, yeah? Dude, I'm a parrothead, too.
Pipes.
I rem I remember pipes.
Oh, I'm sure you do.
[Chuckling.]
No, man.
No, not no.
Construction pipes.
Like, he had construction pipes lying on my property.
Did you say something about it to Harcourt? Uh, no, but I wrote him a note, and I told him I didn't think it was cool, and then I put it on the windshield of his Ferrari.
And I suppose you made a copy.
Sorry, no.
I wrote it on the side of a Mencia Tequila case.
But you definitely said that that wasn't cool? I don't remember my exact words, but yeah.
It was like, "hey, stay off my property.
" Can't imagine Harcourt's gonna turn over that note.
Why would he keep something like that? Guys, my grandfather lost that house in the '95 storm, and then he died before he had a chance to rebuild it.
I-I've gotten hundreds of offers to sell the property, but I do not want one more castle going up, blocking people's view of their ocean.
This isn't just about me.
I can't let him take it.
We're gonna get it back for you, brother.
- See you tomorrow.
- Okay, bye.
Wendy.
My, my, my.
You clean up pretty well, officer.
Bash.
You stalking me? It's not really stalking when Well, yes, I am stalking you.
[Chuckles.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Mm.
You always smell fantastic, like leather and conditioner.
You know, technically, I'm working, since I'm here testifying for the prosecution.
Right.
Sorry.
[Police radio chatter.]
Why don't, uh Why don't we go in my office? There's something up with this cop.
I-I just I want you to look into him so I know what I'm up against.
Then you're gonna need to find out for yourself.
II totally get that you have to protect your career.
All I'm asking for is I've got no problem taking down a rogue cop, but just 'cause you piss someone off doesn't make him dirty.
If it did, I'd be the dirtiest cop on the force.
It's too bad it didn't work out with us.
Yeah.
Hope you're not mad.
Mad? I don't even know why we stopped going out.
I miscalendered one date, - and someone got - "Miscalendered.
" It was a weekend in Napa.
I had a wine-for-two weekend for one.
Not the way I remember it.
You always had to win.
I do not.
I can't help you with this guy.
Come back with more.
Maybe we'll talk.
Well, maybe we can talk anyhow sometime.
You know where to find me.
Can you believe that? Well, she does have a point.
No, she's wrong.
I don't always have to be right.
- Yeah, you kind of do.
- I do not.
Are you getting any of the irony here, buddy? 'Cause it's Peter Bash? Jared Franklin? Last we checked.
And this is our home, which you seem to be in without a warrant.
Here's a warrant.
He got a warrant! - There's a warrant.
- What's it for? We're with the department of fish and game.
We received an anonymous caltip report of animal cruelty at this location.
[Chuckling.]
Animal cruelty? Now, that's got to be a mistake, boys, - 'cause we love animals.
- Absolutely.
I slept with my two Guinea pigs in my bed till I was 14.
- I shouldn't tell people that, huh? - This guy.
Were you racing lobsters here on the night of June 28th? What are you? Crazy? We beat him by a mile.
[Both laugh.]
This guy.
It's a violation of California penal code 597 and ocean sport fishing regulation subsection 1.
Come with us, please.
What? For racing lobsters? Come on, guys.
People eat them.
Don't forget illegal poaching of a crustacean without a license.
- This guy.
- Why you doing this? I wonder if that's what the little lobsters were thinking when you put the whip to them.
"The whip"? I'm an outdoorsman.
I care about wildlife.
Ohh.
Oh, man.
This is about more than a trespassing charge.
I mean, he's pissed.
He's trying to get even.
He's trumping up charges to send us to jail.
I'd say he's even.
[Exhales sharply.]
Shotgun.
Don't say "shotgun.
" We're probably riding in the back anyway.
Hey, if we're not, can I have shotgun? [Buzzer.]
Peter: Finally.
Sorry.
I turn off my phone at night.
I wasn't aware that being on call to bring toiletries to jail was part of my job description.
How is that not obvious? I've got your bail going, but it's gonna take a couple of hours, so just hang tight.
Number four bristles? What am I? Secretariat? What did you guys do? We crossed that cop Mueller, and apparently he's got friends in here, 'cause this has not been a five-star experience.
Yeah, he wants to try on my contact lenses.
Jared: Look into Mueller.
Find out if there's anything we did to piss him off.
Check to see if he was an arresting officer in one of our cases.
All right.
I'm on it.
[Chuckles.]
Why are you smiling? Well, six months ago, I was spending 18 hours a day drafting interrogatories.
Now I'm in jail.
No, we're in jail.
You're next to jail.
Big difference.
You said you'd get me in the game, and you did.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm glad our incarceration has reenergized you.
Now do us a favor and get us out of here.
Never been scrubbed gelike this before.
It's like being punished for one's sins and cleansed of them all at the same time.
Any sins in particular? No.
[Grunting.]
Well, um Just one.
Mm? You met with Damien Karp of Hartman Frank.
Damien just happens to be my nephew.
Oh? He thinks that I'm holding him back professionally.
Are you? [Chuckling.]
No, no, no.
Just the opposite, actually.
II'm protecting him.
From what? Himself.
Oh, he's mercurial, unpredictable.
Well, I do not call "protecting a nephew" a sin.
Well, he's a pervert.
- Huh? - Yeah.
He sends videos of himself self-pleasuring.
Consorts with sex workers.
Yeah.
He seeks the moment of delight with no thought to the future.
Yes.
Sometimes this "moment of delight" is quite perilous.
Mm? A judge died at his hand.
Now Homicide was never proven, but where there's smoke.
Was the judge an adversary? Oh, I doubt whether he would've impaled a five iron into the judge's skull just for taking a mulligan.
Hm.
Those are extreme ends of the spectrum.
From self-pleasuring to physical violence? Yes, well, he's nothing if not versatile.
So, do you think I'm wrong in trying to protect him? Or shall I just let him fend for himself? Sounds like he does quite well on his own.
Yes, well, I'm glad I sought another opinion.
And the lobsters are actually back in the Pacific, Your Honor.
You freed them? Uh, actually, we, [Clears throat.]
excuse me.
They passed out, and the lobsters escaped.
The taxpayers' meter is running.
I'll give you both time served.
Order their immediate release.
And no more lobster racing! Lesson learned, Your Honor.
Yeah.
From now on, we'll only boil them alive, crack their shells, and suck out their insides.
Uh, thank you, Your Honor.
Jared: Thank you.
Good work, Anita.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Uh, from the office.
Judge Walsh wants you in court in four minutes.
- What? - Come on.
Apparently, the court's been sending you text notices.
We don't have our phones.
We've been in jail.
Excuse me, where are our clothes? You'd have to ask LAPD.
They were apparently lost after you were booked.
Mueller.
So, Mr.
Harcourt, it's your position that you were totally above-board with how you went about stealing Dewey Barba's land? Objection.
Argumentative.
I'm sorry.
Did Mr.
Harcourt's lawyer join the D.
A.
's office? She has no business making objections.
You have no business making objections.
Objection to the objection sustained.
Sit down, Ms.
Wells! Oh, um, what what she said.
Objection.
Uh, argumentative.
Sustained.
I can see the puppet strings, Mr.
Darsow.
Jared: Mr.
Harcourt, I ha a signed affidavit from my client swearing he hand-delivered you a note written on the side of a Tequila case, telling you to stop encroaching on his land.
Is he lying? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I-I-I did get a note, but that is not what it said.
And you just expect us to take your word for it.
Or I could show you the note.
Objection, Your Honor.
We've been asking for this note for a week, and Mr.
Harcourt's lawyer said he couldn't find it.
Yeah, uh, it was in the study of my Aspen home, Your Honor.
I'm very sorry about that.
"Yes, it was stuck under a bag of diamonds on my faberge egg.
" Come on, Your Honor.
I'll I'll allow it.
Bring the note forward.
Dewey: Oh, yeah.
That's that's it.
That's that's that's my stationery.
Is this your handwriting, Mr.
Barba? Uh, y-yeah.
Then the note is admitted.
Mr.
Barba, could you please read your message to Mr.
Harcourt out loud? Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Oh.
I'm I'm I'm pretty sure the first word's "dude.
" Oh, for the record, it looks nothing like "dude.
" No, I-I start all my letters with "dude.
" Mm-hmm.
Okay What about after "dude"? Uh Well, I know I know it's my signature at the end, 'cause I always make a little smiley face out of the "R".
It's cute, right? But you can't make out anything in between.
Uh, Your Honor, uh, if if I may, I mean, I-I could read this clear as day.
Dewey.
It says, "pursuant to Malibu code 4514, I'm hereby requesting you stay off of my land.
" No, I'm pretty sure that's not what it says.
That's exactly what it says, Your Honor.
Clear as day.
No, I would never use words that big "Pursuant"? Dewey, really.
Mr.
Barba.
You know, that weekend was kind of a blur.
Buffett, uh, he always brings the party.
Your Honor, the defendants have presented no evidence suggesting Mr.
Barba objected to the witness taking possession of his land.
I agree.
Because the five-year period has lapsed, I'm inclined to rule that Mr.
Harcourt validly acquired the property in question, which means you were all trespassing.
Gentlemen You better have something very special up your sleeves for tomorrow.
Oh, we always do, Your Honor.
We always do.
We can't paddle out later, Dewey.
We got work to do on your case.
Oh.
Well, h-how boned am I? Like a filet.
Filets are boneless, dude.
Not before you bone them.
De-bone them.
Dewey, look, we're sorry, but you're not really helping us out here.
So, Mueller's written 11 trespassing tickets at Harcourt's house in the past 2 years.
Also, Mundy pulled some paparazzi photos from some charity function at Harcourt's house.
Look who's working security.
Oh! That's why he's coming after us.
He works for Harcourt.
Has his own private beach cop.
Wait.
If Harcourt's been paying a cop to kick people off his land, that's unclean hands.
Which means Harcourt's adverse possession claim on Dewey's land goes away because it was obtained illegally.
Dewey gets his property back.
W-w-wait.
We're getting closer The tickets and Mueller moonlighting with Harcourt But it's still all just smoke.
What we need now is fire.
- So, your nephew is in the - Ah, ah! He's not my nephew.
He is Damien Karp, esquire, attorney at law.
Okay, so Damien karp, esquire, attorney at law, is here.
Ooh.
Uh, okay.
Listen, you better have security standing by.
Oh, um [Clears throat.]
Damien.
Stanton.
So, I just spoke to Doug Satoh.
Apparently, so did you about me.
Damien, [Sighs.]
I-I-I don't know what came over me.
I can't believe you would do this after our talk.
Clearly, it's personal, because you don't have an ounce of respect for me.
Oh, I do respect you, Damien.
My God, I do.
I-I-I'm so sorry.
Well, I'm turning Satoh down.
I don't want his business.
Excuse me? Satoh he wants to sign with me.
[Chuckling.]
You landed the whale? Yes.
After he spoke to you, he said he was sold on the elasticity of my character.
Oh.
Splendid.
Oh, yeah.
He thinks we have the right chemistry to work together.
He wants me to travel with him.
Every word I told him about you was the truth.
Well, thank you, Uncle Stanton, for once again chewing my food for me.
You can expect a call from Satoh.
And congratulations.
Oh, just one last thing.
Don't call me for Thanksgiving, Liverpool on the dish, pimps and whores party.
In fact, make it simple.
Just lose my number.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Here for a job application? [Sighs.]
I was speaking with my uncle.
Ah, I heard he went scorched-earth on you.
You didn't kill him, did you? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? - I'm leaving.
- I'm leaving.
God, if there was a vacuum tube that got me out of here faster, I'd take it.
Yeah, you do suck.
Wait, what did you mean "scorched-earth"? Ooh, I got to take this.
[Sighs.]
So, is that enough evidence for you that Mueller's dirty? You should file a complaint at Parker center.
This guy's no good.
Yeah, it's a little trickier than that.
You obtained this illegally.
What? Us? [Chuckles.]
No.
It's all public record.
I want the dirty cop.
So do I.
You've been known to be a dirty cop yourself.
There's bad dirty, and then there's good dirty.
I forgot how good dirty you could be.
Especially when I'm angry.
Oh, I love when you get angry.
How about I allow you to vent some of that anger out on me, release those two years of pent-up frustration? You assume I've been pent up since we broke up.
That's pretty arrogant, counselor.
It's one of my better qualities.
[Chuckles.]
Anyone can come in.
Let them.
[Laughs.]
I am your doctor I'll be your doctor What makes you think he's coming out? He's got a 9:30 back waxing.
How would you know that? 'Cause he goes to the same place I get my facials.
Dude, I've said it before.
Good grooming is the key to good living.
You've never said that.
You shouldn't say that.
You know this isn't gonna work, right? - Probably not.
- Yeah.
Peter: Oh, here we go.
All right.
- Hi! - Hi! What are you doing? Besides trespassing Again? You are a very hard man to reach.
Not when I want to talk to the person.
- Oh.
- You're blocking my driveway.
Oh.
You know what? We'll leave, but answer this one question.
Why do you have to own half the houses on this stretch of beach? Because I can afford to.
Look at you, you rich son of a bitch.
You stole our client's property.
Yeah, and all the back waxing in the world isn't gonna change that, Chewbacca.
[Laughs.]
[Imitates Chewbacca.]
Why don't you guys just go? Leave.
We're not going anywhere.
In fact, we're gonna stay here so long we're gonna claim ownership of this piece of property right over there.
Yeah, we're gonna be your new neighbors.
You're gonna see this face every day.
- Borrowing sugar, towels.
- Yeah.
What's going on here? Officer, uh, these gentlemen are trespassing.
I want them out.
Officer, we did no such thing.
We are not trespassing.
We are lawyers, and we are exercising our right to free assembly.
Being a lawyer doesn't trump everything.
Lawyers can be guilty of trespassing.
Oh.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
- We do this for a living, right? - Yeah.
And she's telling us how to do our job? You're telling us the law? Funny.
When I show up, most people call me the law.
Could you please just get them the hell out of here? - I would love to see that.
- Wow.
So would I.
Does she scare you? No, 'cause I thought it was my birthday.
I thought you were like Did you? You thought she was a stripper? I did! I'm sorry, but I did.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to listen to my words.
Oh, here we go.
- "But watch my body while I" - Yeah! [Both laughing.]
You're glad, but [Electricity crackles.]
Oh! Oh! Oh! Wendy: Stripper, huh? Dude, are you okay? [Grunting.]
Okay, that might be excessive force.
You're gonna need to stand back, - unless you want the same thing.
- I-I could be wrong.
Sir, I need you to stand back, as well.
Holy mother.
I thought you were just gonna cuff me.
I had to sell it.
But my ass is doing some really weird things right now.
[Grunts.]
But I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Geez.
[Grunting.]
Jared: You okay? Cramp in my leg.
Sorry you had to see that.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's okay.
Impressive, really.
We really could use more officers like you out here, officer Wendy McQuaig.
Sirs, I'm gonna need you to settle down! Sorry.
I got it officer.
Shh! Peter: [Muffled shouting.]
I want the firm to place an ad in the program for the Oakwood fundraiser.
Jared: Okay.
Uh, ooh.
What's this? Package-to-package contact.
Easy, Damien.
I called Satoh after I heard that you went scorched-earth on me.
Okay.
And he told me what you said about me.
You emptied the whole closet Even the masturbation tape.
- He led with that.
- Mm.
And yet Satoh still wanted to sign with me.
Apparently so.
But you you see, right? I can survive on my own.
I don't need your help.
No, you do not need my help, and I am very happy for you.
So are we.
I love anything that keeps you away from us.
Well, all right.
Feeling's mutual.
And I hope you don't mind, but, um, I told Satoh that I'd like to keep him on as a client, and he said he's gonna think about it.
Well, he did think about it.
Satoh signed with us this morning.
What? - Wait.
No.
- Oh, no! But you can tell Satoh that I changed my mind the first time on principle.
Damien, that's exactly what you told me not to do.
You told me to stop protecting you.
You're sending mixed signals, dude.
He can't keep changing your diapers for you.
- He wears diapers? - He wears diapers.
Well, have a nice day.
[Chuckles lightly.]
- Peter: What's that smell? - It's his diaper.
Oh.
Looks like he needs a change.
Yeah.
Well, you two must think I'm stupid That stunt you pulled in front of Harcourt's house.
- Stunt? I got hit by 75,000 volts.
- Mm.
Not as painful as hearing him whine about it all morning, but You're trying to make that trespassing ticket go away by proving Harcourt had me in his back pocket.
Ah, see, we're not really trying, 'cause we have evidence.
Hard evidence.
You mean Officer Wendy McQuaig? She goes up on that stand and takes out a colleague, well, hmm.
[Clicks tongue.]
After you two go back to your lobster races and turning courtrooms into bouncy houses, well, she's gonna have to work around us.
You better not be threatening.
How do you think they feel about cops ratting out their own? That'll all be on you two.
[Chuckles.]
You're insane.
Mm-hmm, and I'm late.
You two, enjoy your day.
I'll see you in court.
I told you, I don't care.
Wendy, you don't know this guy.
I know he's dirty, which makes the rest of us look bad.
Put me on the stand.
I want to take this guy down.
We hear you, and we'll do what we have to do.
I got to go.
You're mad.
I'll call you later.
She's mad.
We can't put her on the stand.
I mean, if she testifies against a cop, she's gonna be looking over her shoulder the rest of her career.
Then we're gonna lose Dewey's case.
You heard what she said.
Let her choose for herself.
[Sighs.]
If there was some way to get her to testify that Harcourt tried to illegally hire her to keep people off his property but just keep Mueller's name out of it.
Tough needle to thread.
Yeah.
Look, I know how you're feeling, buddy, but this is what's best for the client and it's what Wendy wants.
She said that she wants to take Mueller down.
She knows the risks.
[Sighs.]
Tell you what.
Why don't you let me handle this? Take the emotion out of it.
Maybe.
But maybe we should keep the emotion in it.
Good morning, officer.
Morning.
Not the first time I've examined you in court, is it? No.
How'd the other case go the last time I had you on the stand? You won.
Which is roughly when you fell in love with me.
Objection! Is there any relevance to this little trip down memory lane, Mr.
Bash? Just trying to derne if this witness has any bias towards or against me as I question her.
No bias towards you, I promise.
Would this have anything to do with a certain weekend in a certain wine country where I I'm not gonna answer any of these questions.
Which is the very definition of a hostile witness, Your Honor.
Permission to treat her as such.
Yes.
I'm feeling a little hostile myself, Mr.
Bash, so move it along.
Officer Wendy McQuaig, I'm gonna ask you some questions, and you can only use the answer "yes" or "no.
" Am I clear? Yes.
Did you go to Mr.
Harcourt's house yesterday? Yes.
I went there Remember "Yes" or "no.
" Yes.
Good.
Now, you recorded Mr.
Harcourt using your dashboard camera, because you heard a report of illegal activity and you wanted to catch him.
It's simple.
I give you a little extra money.
You give me a little extra police service.
It works great.
I've been doing it for years to keep my land private.
You missed the part where he named Your Honor.
Just answer the questions, please, officer.
Was that Mr.
Harcourt making that offer to you on that tape? Yes or no? [Sighs.]
Yes.
Thank you, officer.
And thank you for your excellent service to our city.
Peter: Your Honor, because of Mr.
Harcourt's illegal attempt to bribe officers of the law to keep people off his land, we ask the court to find that there were unclean hands.
Which means that there are no grounds for the trespassing ticket.
Which means Dewey Barba gets to keep his land, Your Honor.
[Sighs.]
So ruled.
[Gavel bangs.]
Oh! [Grunts.]
Witness may be excused.
And I'm back to hearing jaywalking tickets.
It's over, Dewey.
No.
I told you guys.
I told you, that was my handwriting on the Okay, Dewey, Dewey, we won.
- We won? - We won.
Well, that's better.
Jared: That is better.
Well, you won.
Kind of a draw for my partner.
What's that? Nothing.
Mueller: Gentlemen.
Thought you didn't like court.
Well, I liked it today.
You're welcome.
And just so you know, we didn't pull our punches because you intimidated us.
Fine.
Then let's just call you smart lawyers.
I'll see you two around.
Yeah.
I bet you will.
You know what this calls for? - Victory party? - Exactly.
And I have the entertainment all lined up.
- Oh yeah? - Oh, yeah.
Little something Officer Wendy sent over.
You thought she was a stripper? I did! [Electricity crackles.]
Oh! [Laughter.]
Dude, are you okay? You need to stand back.
Yeah, real funny.
Real funny, animals.
I'd like to see how you react to getting lit up like that.
I better not see this on YouTube.
[Clears throat.]
And you, you looked like you were having way too much fun.
Just so you know, I'm going after Mueller.
I'll just have to get him another way.
And I know you better than to try to talk you out of it.
Call me the next time you're feeling hostile.
Hey, Peter.
Where's Wendy? Had to go.
She gonna be around? When it comes right down to it, buddy, aren't we all around, together? That is some heavy stuff right there, bro.
Come on, Dewey.
Let's get a drink.
All I want to do It's in the bank Party with my friend or all by myself All I want to do Yeah.
It's tough to say what couples are gonna work.
Oh, yeah.
It's complicated.
[Glass clinks.]
Best couples that shouldn't work, but do.
Go.
Hayden Panetierre and, um, Wladimir Klitschko.
There's like a 1-yard height difference.
- That can be a good thing.
- Ooh! Always thinking outside the box.
Well, thank you.
You are so sweet.
You know, we really don't take enough time to appreciate how good we have it.
Couldn't agree more.
Wouldn't trade my life with anyone.
Me neither, buddy.
How about that guy? Nope.
Not him or his huge castle.
[Chuckles.]
But if you could trade places for one day - Someone else? - Yeah.
I guess I'd be you.
- Thanks, pal.
- Yeah.
That way I could see through your eyes how awesome it is to hang out with me.
Well, actually, you wouldn't be able to see you, because you'd be inside of me.
No, I'd be insi wait.
How did I get inside you? You asked to be inside me, and I said okay.
There's our favorite client.
- Dewey.
- Hey, guys.
Buddy, ready to have some fun? Yeah, are you are you sure this is gonna work? Did that seriously come out of your mouth? - Come on.
- Come on, Dewey.
Who you talking to? Franklin and Bash.
Oh.
Po-po.
Don't worry about it.
How we doing? You know, I got a little sand in my Mai Tai, but other than that, I am peachy keen.
That is a shame.
You want me to get you another one? I would love one.
Look, uh, as far as I'm concerned, you can stay here all day.
Sweet.
That sounds like a great plan.
I think we may do that.
Yeah, why don't you grab a beer and join us? You know what? Maybe we should go.
That's tempting.
Uh, the only problem is you're trespassing.
Guy up there called.
Well, besides being a rich dick who spends way too much money trying to keep people off the public beach, he's also wrong.
He would know.
He's the son of a rich dick.
Yep.
See, we're not trespassing, officer.
This man owns the property.
So, as a matter of fact, you're trespassing.
- Besides, we can't leave now.
- Why not? 'Cause we're about to attempt to break our personal record for most smashball hits.
So, honestly, we can't stop now.
You're not even playing.
- We're about to.
- Is that right? - You ready? - Yep.
Let's do this.
[Both grunt.]
Guys, maybe this isn't a good idea.
Come on, Dewey.
You ready? You need to warm up? I'm ready.
Let's do it.
Both: One.
Two.
Ooh! - That was two.
- That's two? - Oh, you're counting the serve.
- Always count the serves.
Dewey, want to be the ball boy? Yeah.
Um, we You know, this guy is serious, I think.
Tell you what, officer, you can have winners.
All right.
See? Something to look forward to.
Get out some I.
D.
s, boys.
- Wait, what? - What? We're writing tickets.
We can't stop.
- 'Cause we got 761.
- Go ahead.
Yeah.
It'll be it'll just take a second.
- Name, please? - One.
Two.
Oh, my name.
Uh, Dewey.
Dewey Barba.
Told you this would work.
Ooh, what a mixture Such a vivid picture Ooh, what a mixture If I must say so myself [Party music plays.]
Jared: I thought it was over, but then getting the trespassing tickets was a three-point shot at the buzzer.
That forced overtime.
There's still work to do.
Dewey: Guys, I'm sorry.
I-I-I don't know.
Maybe it was the 20 years I spent on the road following the dead, but I-I I don't get it.
Dewey, it's called adverse possession.
It's how your rich neighbor expanded his deck onto your property.
Under the law, if you abandon your land for a period of five years Whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
Wait a minute.
I didn't abandon anything.
I just went to Costa Rica for a little while.
I was growing the Pitahaya Berry.
It's gonna change the way the world looks at food.
Mm-hmm.
You were gone for nearly five years.
That's a little bit more than a while.
Yeah, and the five-year limit for bringing this up as a civil case expires tomorrow.
Time has no meaning in the jungle, pedro.
But here it does.
Now, while you were growing your, uh Pitahaya.
Pitahaya! Anyhow, Harcourt established possession of part of your land.
Now, if he did that in an open, notorious, continuous way Jared: Anita, we tried this.
Dewey, can I have your beer? No, no.
Uh, it's only my third.
Let's just say this beer is your land, okay? Okay, stay with us.
This beer is your land.
This beer is Harcourt's land.
You go to Costa Rica.
Harcourt's watching your beer Wanting your beer.
He's so thirsty.
And he makes it look like it's his beer.
He takes a sip.
Dewey: Uh Mm.
It's his beer.
See, he walks around with it, makes sure that everyone knows it's his beer.
Happy new year! All: Happy new year! Happy new year! Okay, Dewey, stay focused, okay? Now, if this happens for five years Can I just have my beer back? No.
No.
It's not your beer anymore, because under the law, Harcourt possessed it for five years, made like it was his, and you didn't stop him.
That's why we made sure you got a trespassing citation.
See, we're gonna use the criminal court to get your adverse-possession hearing heard.
That's the only way a judge is gonna hear your case.
Do you get it? Do I need to? Well, I do.
I'll start researching trespassing defenses.
Ah, ah, ah.
Tomorrow morning.
Tonight, we're gonna try a little experiment.
We're gonna see if you know how to relax.
[Chuckles.]
Come on.
Come on.
All the way.
All the way.
[Indistinct shouting.]
Not fair! Yes.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Whoo! You cheated! How did I cheat? At the beginning, you pushed him.
- Nope.
No.
- You did push him.
- Repositioned.
- Thank you.
That is totally legal for the purposes of avoiding a lobster collision.
- You pushed him.
- Thank you.
- No rematch.
- Collision? Look at him.
He's still sitting there.
He's a bystander.
You got to give it to her.
She can relax.
He's still just sitting there.
Uh-oh.
It's that cop from the beach.
Excuse me, can I see your hand stamp? Got a complaint, all right? Loud party.
Really? [Chuckles.]
You think this is loud? What's that smell? - We have a pet skunk.
- Yep.
Lobsters, skunks You guys got a regular petting zoo going on in here, huh? [Chuckles.]
Now, uh, you boys know I got probable cause to come in and check I.
D.
s.
But I won't 'cause I'm busy.
Too busy, all right, to be breaking up parties and wasting my time in a courtroom.
We hear you.
We don't like being there, either.
But it's a livin'.
Mm-hmm.
Plead guilty, pay the trespassing ticket, and don't make me waste my time in court, all right? Then I won't have to come back here looking for your skunk.
Who knows what else I might find? Eh, it's just an act.
He's trying to intimidate.
Yeah, let's go with that for now.
Pbht! Good to see you.
Mr.
Satoh's office called to confirm.
Oh, of course I will be going.
Th firm needs another big client a whale.
So, I will be like Ahab, standing on the bow of my longboat with my harpoon Damien, what are you doing here? Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
Go on.
Does this story end with you giving Herman melville the idea for "Moby-dick"? No, I was just getting to a yarn about an epic game of hearts I had with Gregory Peck, but please.
Come on in.
[Sighs.]
So, I've heard whispers that you told the state bar you had sex with Rachel King instead of me.
How could you possibly know that? How could I possibly not? There were 641 witnesses.
You took the blame for her accessing the clients' accounts by saying what? You were a sex addict? Yeah, but that was just a fantastical story made up by Peter and Jared.
Wait a minute.
You seem to be peeved that I fell on my sword for you.
I'm pissed.
I'm not peeved.
I know the Mary Poppins accent makes you seems smart, but I can't believe anyone's still buying it.
I was just trying to protect you.
You seem so angry.
No, you're not protecting me.
You are emasculating me.
You're turning me into Fredo.
I-I-I'm Infeld's idiot nephew who needs your protection, which I do not.
Damien, you're my blood.
You are my sister Penelope's youngest son.
No.
That's the problem.
I am a lawyer.
I am a very successful lawyer.
Why can't you see me that way? I powdered your bottom.
Okay.
Great talk.
Peter Bash, Jared Franklin, Dewey Barba, appearing jointly on a trespassing charge.
How do you plead? Not guilty as to all three, Your Honor.
Mr.
Barba wasn't trespassing as he actually owns the land at 412 Palisades Drive, not Mr.
Harcourt.
We were his guests, Your Honor.
Robert Harcourt? The media guy? Yes, Your Honor.
That's some pricey dirt.
Your Honor, we also have a title showing Mr.
Barba's ownership of the property.
There you go.
What makes Harcourt think he owns it? Adverse possession.
We disagree.
[Chuckles.]
Your Honor, traffic court is hardly the place to decide a property dispute.
- Aww.
- That's adorable.
Judge Walsh: Really? 'Cause all I do in here is try speeding tickets.
This guy's defense A selfie he took in front of his speedometer.
Lady before him claimed gummi worms were responsible for a DUI.
Better eat your wheaties, Mr.
Darsow.
We're going to trial.
Is that our cop friend looking at us? Don't look.
How am I supposed to answer if I don't look? Oh.
Okay.
Look.
[Scoffs.]
[Scoffs.]
He just We might have a problem.
Yeah.
You looked right at him.
Hey, you said to look.
That was real discreet.
You must give me the name of that wonderful green tea.
Your experience in shipping is very impressive, Mr.
Infeld.
You are in consideration for our business.
Thank you.
One day, ask me how I was demasked at rounding the cape in a single-handed race.
I survived for eight days on my own urine and one dehydrated yam.
- Uh, tell me tomorrow.
- Ah.
Have you ever been to a Korean spa? Sting-eeh, gah-cho-tah.
I don't understand.
Really? Well, maybe it's a local dialect.
Ah! Whenever you are ready, Mr.
Karp.
Excuse me.
By the way, really nice suit.
I thought you only broke out the savile rows when British rock stars died.
Are you here trying to sign Satoh as a client? No.
No, no, no.
I'm here trying to steal him from you.
There's a difference.
Well, how did you know I was here? It was difficult.
I-I called Meg, and I told her I need to speak to you about a family emergency, and she gave me your entire schedule.
Crack staff you have there on Deep Space 9.
Fine, Damien.
If you prefer to eschew the family discount, then you will pay the full freight of my unvarnished wrath.
Okay, if that's Infeld-ese for "this is war," bring it.
[Sighs.]
Peter: So, you're saying no? I'm saying I'm not listening.
Siamese twins should be able to use the Diamond Lane.
It's a textbook class-action suit right up our alley.
There's nothing textbook [siren wails.]
Oh, no.
Uh, switch places with me.
I have two tickets.
Your record's clean.
- "Switch places with me.
" - Just pull over, man.
Just hop over.
You're selfish.
I'm selfish? Okay, well, you know what? Let's switch places right now.
He'll never see us.
I'm just sayin'.
We could've.
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
[Sighs.]
What's this all about, officer? Driver's license, please.
Oh, come on.
You know who we are.
[Slowly.]
Driver's license.
Oh.
Didn't realize it was you.
What are the odds? Fairly high, actually.
Both hang out in Malibu.
Who knows how often our paths might cross? That sounded like a threat.
Uh, threatening is illegal.
I either do something or I don't.
That definitely sounded like a threat.
You made an illegal U-turn.
No, I didn't.
You have one of those dashboard cameras, right? - I mean, that could tell - Oh, you know, I do.
Shoot! I had it turned off, which makes it, uh, my word against yours.
Okay, look, we had to take the trespassing case to trial.
And not because we want to waste your time, but because if we don't, our client has already lost his land.
And we needed that trespassing ticket.
Okay.
Uh, it should go well with the one I'm about to give you.
Oh, come on.
This is bullshit.
You get another ticket for obstructing an officer in his duties.
Anything else to say? Either of you? [Clears throat.]
Great.
Please stay in the car.
[Slaps door.]
- Dude, we're getting bendered.
- What? Judd Nelson in "Breakfast Club.
" Principal Vernon keeps giving him detention.
"For two months, I got you.
I got you.
" Let's go talk to this guy.
Excuse me, Officer Mueller Mueller: Hey, what are you doing? I told you to stay in the car.
Whoa, whoa.
We just feel like we got off on the wrong foot.
Look, we had to take the trespassing charge to fight You get another ticket for disobeying an officer of the law, all right? You want to go for four? All right.
Now, this is just gonna take another minute.
Get back in the car right now.
Okay, who is this guy? I know.
We need to find out.
I seem to remember you being tight with a cop.
Peter: So, wait.
Karp not only doesn't appreciate what you did for him, he's also pissed about it? When I'm finished with my nephew, there'll be nothing left but bones and teeth.
[Both mutter.]
[Sighs.]
Maybe I should just leave well alone.
Maybe we should think this over.
You, you You're going through rehab for a fictional sex addiction.
We just got you reinstated.
And I did that for Damien, and this is the thanks I get.
Exactly.
Well, let's face it.
I do leave a large footprint.
I mean, my accent, piercing blue eyes, my intensity.
And perhaps I think that everyone moves with the same kind of vigor that I do, and it overpowers.
He's not gonna listen to us.
He's not listening to us now.
The sound of my voice is preferable to yours.
Oh, listen.
[Groans.]
Did either of you do anything to annoy a police officer lately? Uh Why? Well, as you know, I'm an honorary deputy sheriff Mountie division.
We were unaware of that.
Not surprised.
Yes, well, I got a call from downtown.
For no reason, they're threatening to make me turn over my shield.
We promise you'll keep your shield, sir.
Oh, and, uh, thank you for the advice.
I'm off to annihilate my nephew.
Yeah, I don't oh, well.
Did we give him that advice? We didn't give him any advice.
He doesn't hear us anyway.
You want to know why? Both: [Imitating Stanton.]
'Cause his voice is preferable to ours, boys.
[Imitating stanton.]
I'm infinitely more terrifying than you.
[Normal voice.]
Okay, now that we've bought ourselves a day in court, we need some evidence to support your case.
Dewey, did you do anything in the past five years to discourage Harcourt from building on your land? Uh, no.
I mean, I remember coming up for a weekend somewhere in there.
Jimmy Buffett show.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, yeah? Dude, I'm a parrothead, too.
Pipes.
I rem I remember pipes.
Oh, I'm sure you do.
[Chuckling.]
No, man.
No, not no.
Construction pipes.
Like, he had construction pipes lying on my property.
Did you say something about it to Harcourt? Uh, no, but I wrote him a note, and I told him I didn't think it was cool, and then I put it on the windshield of his Ferrari.
And I suppose you made a copy.
Sorry, no.
I wrote it on the side of a Mencia Tequila case.
But you definitely said that that wasn't cool? I don't remember my exact words, but yeah.
It was like, "hey, stay off my property.
" Can't imagine Harcourt's gonna turn over that note.
Why would he keep something like that? Guys, my grandfather lost that house in the '95 storm, and then he died before he had a chance to rebuild it.
I-I've gotten hundreds of offers to sell the property, but I do not want one more castle going up, blocking people's view of their ocean.
This isn't just about me.
I can't let him take it.
We're gonna get it back for you, brother.
- See you tomorrow.
- Okay, bye.
Wendy.
My, my, my.
You clean up pretty well, officer.
Bash.
You stalking me? It's not really stalking when Well, yes, I am stalking you.
[Chuckles.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Mm.
You always smell fantastic, like leather and conditioner.
You know, technically, I'm working, since I'm here testifying for the prosecution.
Right.
Sorry.
[Police radio chatter.]
Why don't, uh Why don't we go in my office? There's something up with this cop.
I-I just I want you to look into him so I know what I'm up against.
Then you're gonna need to find out for yourself.
II totally get that you have to protect your career.
All I'm asking for is I've got no problem taking down a rogue cop, but just 'cause you piss someone off doesn't make him dirty.
If it did, I'd be the dirtiest cop on the force.
It's too bad it didn't work out with us.
Yeah.
Hope you're not mad.
Mad? I don't even know why we stopped going out.
I miscalendered one date, - and someone got - "Miscalendered.
" It was a weekend in Napa.
I had a wine-for-two weekend for one.
Not the way I remember it.
You always had to win.
I do not.
I can't help you with this guy.
Come back with more.
Maybe we'll talk.
Well, maybe we can talk anyhow sometime.
You know where to find me.
Can you believe that? Well, she does have a point.
No, she's wrong.
I don't always have to be right.
- Yeah, you kind of do.
- I do not.
Are you getting any of the irony here, buddy? 'Cause it's Peter Bash? Jared Franklin? Last we checked.
And this is our home, which you seem to be in without a warrant.
Here's a warrant.
He got a warrant! - There's a warrant.
- What's it for? We're with the department of fish and game.
We received an anonymous caltip report of animal cruelty at this location.
[Chuckling.]
Animal cruelty? Now, that's got to be a mistake, boys, - 'cause we love animals.
- Absolutely.
I slept with my two Guinea pigs in my bed till I was 14.
- I shouldn't tell people that, huh? - This guy.
Were you racing lobsters here on the night of June 28th? What are you? Crazy? We beat him by a mile.
[Both laugh.]
This guy.
It's a violation of California penal code 597 and ocean sport fishing regulation subsection 1.
Come with us, please.
What? For racing lobsters? Come on, guys.
People eat them.
Don't forget illegal poaching of a crustacean without a license.
- This guy.
- Why you doing this? I wonder if that's what the little lobsters were thinking when you put the whip to them.
"The whip"? I'm an outdoorsman.
I care about wildlife.
Ohh.
Oh, man.
This is about more than a trespassing charge.
I mean, he's pissed.
He's trying to get even.
He's trumping up charges to send us to jail.
I'd say he's even.
[Exhales sharply.]
Shotgun.
Don't say "shotgun.
" We're probably riding in the back anyway.
Hey, if we're not, can I have shotgun? [Buzzer.]
Peter: Finally.
Sorry.
I turn off my phone at night.
I wasn't aware that being on call to bring toiletries to jail was part of my job description.
How is that not obvious? I've got your bail going, but it's gonna take a couple of hours, so just hang tight.
Number four bristles? What am I? Secretariat? What did you guys do? We crossed that cop Mueller, and apparently he's got friends in here, 'cause this has not been a five-star experience.
Yeah, he wants to try on my contact lenses.
Jared: Look into Mueller.
Find out if there's anything we did to piss him off.
Check to see if he was an arresting officer in one of our cases.
All right.
I'm on it.
[Chuckles.]
Why are you smiling? Well, six months ago, I was spending 18 hours a day drafting interrogatories.
Now I'm in jail.
No, we're in jail.
You're next to jail.
Big difference.
You said you'd get me in the game, and you did.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm glad our incarceration has reenergized you.
Now do us a favor and get us out of here.
Never been scrubbed gelike this before.
It's like being punished for one's sins and cleansed of them all at the same time.
Any sins in particular? No.
[Grunting.]
Well, um Just one.
Mm? You met with Damien Karp of Hartman Frank.
Damien just happens to be my nephew.
Oh? He thinks that I'm holding him back professionally.
Are you? [Chuckling.]
No, no, no.
Just the opposite, actually.
II'm protecting him.
From what? Himself.
Oh, he's mercurial, unpredictable.
Well, I do not call "protecting a nephew" a sin.
Well, he's a pervert.
- Huh? - Yeah.
He sends videos of himself self-pleasuring.
Consorts with sex workers.
Yeah.
He seeks the moment of delight with no thought to the future.
Yes.
Sometimes this "moment of delight" is quite perilous.
Mm? A judge died at his hand.
Now Homicide was never proven, but where there's smoke.
Was the judge an adversary? Oh, I doubt whether he would've impaled a five iron into the judge's skull just for taking a mulligan.
Hm.
Those are extreme ends of the spectrum.
From self-pleasuring to physical violence? Yes, well, he's nothing if not versatile.
So, do you think I'm wrong in trying to protect him? Or shall I just let him fend for himself? Sounds like he does quite well on his own.
Yes, well, I'm glad I sought another opinion.
And the lobsters are actually back in the Pacific, Your Honor.
You freed them? Uh, actually, we, [Clears throat.]
excuse me.
They passed out, and the lobsters escaped.
The taxpayers' meter is running.
I'll give you both time served.
Order their immediate release.
And no more lobster racing! Lesson learned, Your Honor.
Yeah.
From now on, we'll only boil them alive, crack their shells, and suck out their insides.
Uh, thank you, Your Honor.
Jared: Thank you.
Good work, Anita.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Uh, from the office.
Judge Walsh wants you in court in four minutes.
- What? - Come on.
Apparently, the court's been sending you text notices.
We don't have our phones.
We've been in jail.
Excuse me, where are our clothes? You'd have to ask LAPD.
They were apparently lost after you were booked.
Mueller.
So, Mr.
Harcourt, it's your position that you were totally above-board with how you went about stealing Dewey Barba's land? Objection.
Argumentative.
I'm sorry.
Did Mr.
Harcourt's lawyer join the D.
A.
's office? She has no business making objections.
You have no business making objections.
Objection to the objection sustained.
Sit down, Ms.
Wells! Oh, um, what what she said.
Objection.
Uh, argumentative.
Sustained.
I can see the puppet strings, Mr.
Darsow.
Jared: Mr.
Harcourt, I ha a signed affidavit from my client swearing he hand-delivered you a note written on the side of a Tequila case, telling you to stop encroaching on his land.
Is he lying? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I-I-I did get a note, but that is not what it said.
And you just expect us to take your word for it.
Or I could show you the note.
Objection, Your Honor.
We've been asking for this note for a week, and Mr.
Harcourt's lawyer said he couldn't find it.
Yeah, uh, it was in the study of my Aspen home, Your Honor.
I'm very sorry about that.
"Yes, it was stuck under a bag of diamonds on my faberge egg.
" Come on, Your Honor.
I'll I'll allow it.
Bring the note forward.
Dewey: Oh, yeah.
That's that's it.
That's that's that's my stationery.
Is this your handwriting, Mr.
Barba? Uh, y-yeah.
Then the note is admitted.
Mr.
Barba, could you please read your message to Mr.
Harcourt out loud? Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Oh.
I'm I'm I'm pretty sure the first word's "dude.
" Oh, for the record, it looks nothing like "dude.
" No, I-I start all my letters with "dude.
" Mm-hmm.
Okay What about after "dude"? Uh Well, I know I know it's my signature at the end, 'cause I always make a little smiley face out of the "R".
It's cute, right? But you can't make out anything in between.
Uh, Your Honor, uh, if if I may, I mean, I-I could read this clear as day.
Dewey.
It says, "pursuant to Malibu code 4514, I'm hereby requesting you stay off of my land.
" No, I'm pretty sure that's not what it says.
That's exactly what it says, Your Honor.
Clear as day.
No, I would never use words that big "Pursuant"? Dewey, really.
Mr.
Barba.
You know, that weekend was kind of a blur.
Buffett, uh, he always brings the party.
Your Honor, the defendants have presented no evidence suggesting Mr.
Barba objected to the witness taking possession of his land.
I agree.
Because the five-year period has lapsed, I'm inclined to rule that Mr.
Harcourt validly acquired the property in question, which means you were all trespassing.
Gentlemen You better have something very special up your sleeves for tomorrow.
Oh, we always do, Your Honor.
We always do.
We can't paddle out later, Dewey.
We got work to do on your case.
Oh.
Well, h-how boned am I? Like a filet.
Filets are boneless, dude.
Not before you bone them.
De-bone them.
Dewey, look, we're sorry, but you're not really helping us out here.
So, Mueller's written 11 trespassing tickets at Harcourt's house in the past 2 years.
Also, Mundy pulled some paparazzi photos from some charity function at Harcourt's house.
Look who's working security.
Oh! That's why he's coming after us.
He works for Harcourt.
Has his own private beach cop.
Wait.
If Harcourt's been paying a cop to kick people off his land, that's unclean hands.
Which means Harcourt's adverse possession claim on Dewey's land goes away because it was obtained illegally.
Dewey gets his property back.
W-w-wait.
We're getting closer The tickets and Mueller moonlighting with Harcourt But it's still all just smoke.
What we need now is fire.
- So, your nephew is in the - Ah, ah! He's not my nephew.
He is Damien Karp, esquire, attorney at law.
Okay, so Damien karp, esquire, attorney at law, is here.
Ooh.
Uh, okay.
Listen, you better have security standing by.
Oh, um [Clears throat.]
Damien.
Stanton.
So, I just spoke to Doug Satoh.
Apparently, so did you about me.
Damien, [Sighs.]
I-I-I don't know what came over me.
I can't believe you would do this after our talk.
Clearly, it's personal, because you don't have an ounce of respect for me.
Oh, I do respect you, Damien.
My God, I do.
I-I-I'm so sorry.
Well, I'm turning Satoh down.
I don't want his business.
Excuse me? Satoh he wants to sign with me.
[Chuckling.]
You landed the whale? Yes.
After he spoke to you, he said he was sold on the elasticity of my character.
Oh.
Splendid.
Oh, yeah.
He thinks we have the right chemistry to work together.
He wants me to travel with him.
Every word I told him about you was the truth.
Well, thank you, Uncle Stanton, for once again chewing my food for me.
You can expect a call from Satoh.
And congratulations.
Oh, just one last thing.
Don't call me for Thanksgiving, Liverpool on the dish, pimps and whores party.
In fact, make it simple.
Just lose my number.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Here for a job application? [Sighs.]
I was speaking with my uncle.
Ah, I heard he went scorched-earth on you.
You didn't kill him, did you? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? - I'm leaving.
- I'm leaving.
God, if there was a vacuum tube that got me out of here faster, I'd take it.
Yeah, you do suck.
Wait, what did you mean "scorched-earth"? Ooh, I got to take this.
[Sighs.]
So, is that enough evidence for you that Mueller's dirty? You should file a complaint at Parker center.
This guy's no good.
Yeah, it's a little trickier than that.
You obtained this illegally.
What? Us? [Chuckles.]
No.
It's all public record.
I want the dirty cop.
So do I.
You've been known to be a dirty cop yourself.
There's bad dirty, and then there's good dirty.
I forgot how good dirty you could be.
Especially when I'm angry.
Oh, I love when you get angry.
How about I allow you to vent some of that anger out on me, release those two years of pent-up frustration? You assume I've been pent up since we broke up.
That's pretty arrogant, counselor.
It's one of my better qualities.
[Chuckles.]
Anyone can come in.
Let them.
[Laughs.]
I am your doctor I'll be your doctor What makes you think he's coming out? He's got a 9:30 back waxing.
How would you know that? 'Cause he goes to the same place I get my facials.
Dude, I've said it before.
Good grooming is the key to good living.
You've never said that.
You shouldn't say that.
You know this isn't gonna work, right? - Probably not.
- Yeah.
Peter: Oh, here we go.
All right.
- Hi! - Hi! What are you doing? Besides trespassing Again? You are a very hard man to reach.
Not when I want to talk to the person.
- Oh.
- You're blocking my driveway.
Oh.
You know what? We'll leave, but answer this one question.
Why do you have to own half the houses on this stretch of beach? Because I can afford to.
Look at you, you rich son of a bitch.
You stole our client's property.
Yeah, and all the back waxing in the world isn't gonna change that, Chewbacca.
[Laughs.]
[Imitates Chewbacca.]
Why don't you guys just go? Leave.
We're not going anywhere.
In fact, we're gonna stay here so long we're gonna claim ownership of this piece of property right over there.
Yeah, we're gonna be your new neighbors.
You're gonna see this face every day.
- Borrowing sugar, towels.
- Yeah.
What's going on here? Officer, uh, these gentlemen are trespassing.
I want them out.
Officer, we did no such thing.
We are not trespassing.
We are lawyers, and we are exercising our right to free assembly.
Being a lawyer doesn't trump everything.
Lawyers can be guilty of trespassing.
Oh.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
- We do this for a living, right? - Yeah.
And she's telling us how to do our job? You're telling us the law? Funny.
When I show up, most people call me the law.
Could you please just get them the hell out of here? - I would love to see that.
- Wow.
So would I.
Does she scare you? No, 'cause I thought it was my birthday.
I thought you were like Did you? You thought she was a stripper? I did! I'm sorry, but I did.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to listen to my words.
Oh, here we go.
- "But watch my body while I" - Yeah! [Both laughing.]
You're glad, but [Electricity crackles.]
Oh! Oh! Oh! Wendy: Stripper, huh? Dude, are you okay? [Grunting.]
Okay, that might be excessive force.
You're gonna need to stand back, - unless you want the same thing.
- I-I could be wrong.
Sir, I need you to stand back, as well.
Holy mother.
I thought you were just gonna cuff me.
I had to sell it.
But my ass is doing some really weird things right now.
[Grunts.]
But I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Geez.
[Grunting.]
Jared: You okay? Cramp in my leg.
Sorry you had to see that.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's okay.
Impressive, really.
We really could use more officers like you out here, officer Wendy McQuaig.
Sirs, I'm gonna need you to settle down! Sorry.
I got it officer.
Shh! Peter: [Muffled shouting.]
I want the firm to place an ad in the program for the Oakwood fundraiser.
Jared: Okay.
Uh, ooh.
What's this? Package-to-package contact.
Easy, Damien.
I called Satoh after I heard that you went scorched-earth on me.
Okay.
And he told me what you said about me.
You emptied the whole closet Even the masturbation tape.
- He led with that.
- Mm.
And yet Satoh still wanted to sign with me.
Apparently so.
But you you see, right? I can survive on my own.
I don't need your help.
No, you do not need my help, and I am very happy for you.
So are we.
I love anything that keeps you away from us.
Well, all right.
Feeling's mutual.
And I hope you don't mind, but, um, I told Satoh that I'd like to keep him on as a client, and he said he's gonna think about it.
Well, he did think about it.
Satoh signed with us this morning.
What? - Wait.
No.
- Oh, no! But you can tell Satoh that I changed my mind the first time on principle.
Damien, that's exactly what you told me not to do.
You told me to stop protecting you.
You're sending mixed signals, dude.
He can't keep changing your diapers for you.
- He wears diapers? - He wears diapers.
Well, have a nice day.
[Chuckles lightly.]
- Peter: What's that smell? - It's his diaper.
Oh.
Looks like he needs a change.
Yeah.
Well, you two must think I'm stupid That stunt you pulled in front of Harcourt's house.
- Stunt? I got hit by 75,000 volts.
- Mm.
Not as painful as hearing him whine about it all morning, but You're trying to make that trespassing ticket go away by proving Harcourt had me in his back pocket.
Ah, see, we're not really trying, 'cause we have evidence.
Hard evidence.
You mean Officer Wendy McQuaig? She goes up on that stand and takes out a colleague, well, hmm.
[Clicks tongue.]
After you two go back to your lobster races and turning courtrooms into bouncy houses, well, she's gonna have to work around us.
You better not be threatening.
How do you think they feel about cops ratting out their own? That'll all be on you two.
[Chuckles.]
You're insane.
Mm-hmm, and I'm late.
You two, enjoy your day.
I'll see you in court.
I told you, I don't care.
Wendy, you don't know this guy.
I know he's dirty, which makes the rest of us look bad.
Put me on the stand.
I want to take this guy down.
We hear you, and we'll do what we have to do.
I got to go.
You're mad.
I'll call you later.
She's mad.
We can't put her on the stand.
I mean, if she testifies against a cop, she's gonna be looking over her shoulder the rest of her career.
Then we're gonna lose Dewey's case.
You heard what she said.
Let her choose for herself.
[Sighs.]
If there was some way to get her to testify that Harcourt tried to illegally hire her to keep people off his property but just keep Mueller's name out of it.
Tough needle to thread.
Yeah.
Look, I know how you're feeling, buddy, but this is what's best for the client and it's what Wendy wants.
She said that she wants to take Mueller down.
She knows the risks.
[Sighs.]
Tell you what.
Why don't you let me handle this? Take the emotion out of it.
Maybe.
But maybe we should keep the emotion in it.
Good morning, officer.
Morning.
Not the first time I've examined you in court, is it? No.
How'd the other case go the last time I had you on the stand? You won.
Which is roughly when you fell in love with me.
Objection! Is there any relevance to this little trip down memory lane, Mr.
Bash? Just trying to derne if this witness has any bias towards or against me as I question her.
No bias towards you, I promise.
Would this have anything to do with a certain weekend in a certain wine country where I I'm not gonna answer any of these questions.
Which is the very definition of a hostile witness, Your Honor.
Permission to treat her as such.
Yes.
I'm feeling a little hostile myself, Mr.
Bash, so move it along.
Officer Wendy McQuaig, I'm gonna ask you some questions, and you can only use the answer "yes" or "no.
" Am I clear? Yes.
Did you go to Mr.
Harcourt's house yesterday? Yes.
I went there Remember "Yes" or "no.
" Yes.
Good.
Now, you recorded Mr.
Harcourt using your dashboard camera, because you heard a report of illegal activity and you wanted to catch him.
It's simple.
I give you a little extra money.
You give me a little extra police service.
It works great.
I've been doing it for years to keep my land private.
You missed the part where he named Your Honor.
Just answer the questions, please, officer.
Was that Mr.
Harcourt making that offer to you on that tape? Yes or no? [Sighs.]
Yes.
Thank you, officer.
And thank you for your excellent service to our city.
Peter: Your Honor, because of Mr.
Harcourt's illegal attempt to bribe officers of the law to keep people off his land, we ask the court to find that there were unclean hands.
Which means that there are no grounds for the trespassing ticket.
Which means Dewey Barba gets to keep his land, Your Honor.
[Sighs.]
So ruled.
[Gavel bangs.]
Oh! [Grunts.]
Witness may be excused.
And I'm back to hearing jaywalking tickets.
It's over, Dewey.
No.
I told you guys.
I told you, that was my handwriting on the Okay, Dewey, Dewey, we won.
- We won? - We won.
Well, that's better.
Jared: That is better.
Well, you won.
Kind of a draw for my partner.
What's that? Nothing.
Mueller: Gentlemen.
Thought you didn't like court.
Well, I liked it today.
You're welcome.
And just so you know, we didn't pull our punches because you intimidated us.
Fine.
Then let's just call you smart lawyers.
I'll see you two around.
Yeah.
I bet you will.
You know what this calls for? - Victory party? - Exactly.
And I have the entertainment all lined up.
- Oh yeah? - Oh, yeah.
Little something Officer Wendy sent over.
You thought she was a stripper? I did! [Electricity crackles.]
Oh! [Laughter.]
Dude, are you okay? You need to stand back.
Yeah, real funny.
Real funny, animals.
I'd like to see how you react to getting lit up like that.
I better not see this on YouTube.
[Clears throat.]
And you, you looked like you were having way too much fun.
Just so you know, I'm going after Mueller.
I'll just have to get him another way.
And I know you better than to try to talk you out of it.
Call me the next time you're feeling hostile.
Hey, Peter.
Where's Wendy? Had to go.
She gonna be around? When it comes right down to it, buddy, aren't we all around, together? That is some heavy stuff right there, bro.
Come on, Dewey.
Let's get a drink.
All I want to do It's in the bank Party with my friend or all by myself All I want to do Yeah.
It's tough to say what couples are gonna work.
Oh, yeah.
It's complicated.
[Glass clinks.]
Best couples that shouldn't work, but do.
Go.
Hayden Panetierre and, um, Wladimir Klitschko.
There's like a 1-yard height difference.
- That can be a good thing.
- Ooh! Always thinking outside the box.