Futurama s04e04 Episode Script

Love and Rocket You are one narrow-minded spaceship,|Planet Ecpress ship! Whoa.
Why should my tax|money pay for art I find offensive? Would you censor the Venus De Venus|just because you can see her spewers? It's filthy! Why not create|a national endowment for strip clubs - while we're at it?|- Why not, indeed! Bender, ship! Stop bickering or I'm gonna come back|there and change your opinions manually! Fine! I'll be in my quarters,|appreciating controversial artworks.
Oops.
Sorry.
That ship is so white bread.
People.
It's v alentine's Day next week.
So your beloved company|has gotten you all new uniforms.
- Cool!|- Clothing.
Delicious clothing.
We'll need to look our best|to get the account of our new potential customer,|Romanticorp.
Romanticorp? Are they a corporation|that makes romantic stuff? Very good, Amy.
Everyone suit up.
We're off to|the most romantic city on Earth.
Remember,|we've got to show these people we're not bitter husks|of human beings who long ago abandoned hope|of finding love in this lifetime.
- Leela, you'll have to do some acting.
|- Check.
Welcome.
Oh, I'm just so excited.
I'm Sheldon, and this is|my chief financial officer, Gwen.
For 30 years, we've shared|the adventure of managing Romanticorp.
Not to mention|the adventure of marriage.
Oh, you have got to be kidding.
Ow! I mean, that's so sweet.
I mean, that's sho shweet.
You know, romance is an important part|of our work too.
- Right, everyone?|Yeah.
Sure.
- Do any of you collect Lovey Bears?|- I do.
Kif's given me dozens.
Is it true what the ad says? That you kiss them together|out of blanket cloth and magic buttons? - No.
|- It's actually cheaper to genetically engineer real ones.
BEARS LAUGHING They frolic in the Lovey Forest|until their first birthday.
Then we choose|the cuddly- uddliest ones and stuff them full|of fire- retardant love fluff.
So cute! Knowing which pickup lines fizzle|and which ones sizzle keeps us on the cutting edge|of flirtation technology.
Is heaven missing an angel?|Because you've got nice cans.
My two favorite things are commitment|and changing myself.
Does that dummy have a brother? And now, friends and lovers,|we come to the heart of our operation.
Pun definitely intended.
Impressive.
My family has been making these hearts|since the 1900s.
Tastes may have changed,|but our secret recipe sure hasn't.
Letter's like U and R|can mean words like "you" and "are.
" - Here, Leela.
"U-R-2 cute.
"|- Perhaps.
What's your point? I've never been able to put into words|how I feel about you.
But somewhere among these trillions of|hearts, those words must already exist.
And I'm gonna find them.
Oh So do we have the contract? With that big,|new Romanticorp contract I've been able to make those|government- mandated upgrades you've all been suing me about.
Look.
You taped up the cracks|in the dark matter reactor.
And you got a cage for the lion.
Who's been messing with the radio?|This isn't alternative rock.
It's college rock.
It must have been the new, improved|ship's personality software I installed.
Yeah, it was me.
It's a cute song.
|- Listen, ship! No one changes my stations!|I hope you have a good mechanic! It even comes with an adjustable voice.
We each get one of the four buttons.
Remember, Bender? That was the deal.
What? Did you just say: If you don't like the stations,|play with my buttons till you find something we both enjoy.
- Oh, gosh.
That came out all wrong.
|- Too late, baby.
You said it.
So, what will it be? My place? Or you? Before we deliver these hearts I'm gonna find one that sums up|my feelings for you.
"I love you.
" Too conventional.
"You're my man.
" Oh, so close.
I'm not impressed by a guy's message,|Fry.
I'm impressed by the guy.
Or not.
- What was that?|- Maybe we hit a space cow.
Cootchie-cootchie.
Stop it.
|You're mussing up my trajectory.
- You know you love it, sugar engine.
|No! Bender! What's going on in here? Planet Ecpress ship! Cover your shame! Oh.
It's not what it looks like.
Bender|was just helping me zip up my turbine.
Wow, Bender.
|Are you and the ship an item? I mean, I know you're both items,|but how can you date a ship, anyway? It'd be like me dating a really fat lady|and living inside her.
And she'd be all like: Fry, in order for me to get busy|at maximum efficiency I need a girl with a big 400- ton booty.
Bender, dating your coworker|and primary mode of transportation is immoral, illogical and a violation|of interstellar shipping statute 437- B.
That's what makes it so nasty.
Still, given the chance,|I'd give in to urges far more shocking.
- Well, I'm sick of her.
|- The ship? But you just started dating.
With my mighty robot powers,|I can get sick of things much quicker than you humans.
Just remember,|we all still have to work together.
- So try and let her down easy.
|- In due time, Leela.
But for now, I'll just resume dating|cheap floozies on the side.
You have much to teach us.
Doesn't it bother you a little to be taking advantage|of your girlfrienïs trust? Oh, wait, you're serious.
|Let me laugh even harder.
What's it like being a lawyer|for the mayor's office and also the worlïs|strongest millionaire? Well, baby, for starters,|you need to be honest all the time.
Good evening, Bender.
And to your lady friends,|may I say,"Bam.
" You know Elzar? Hm.
Huh? - Planet Ecpress ship? Is that you?|Oh, hi, Fry.
- Is Bender home?|- No.
I think he's at his parents.
Oh, I see.
He didn't fly there|in another spaceship, did he? Bender? No.
He's an old- fashioned,|one- spaceship robot.
- Look, I'll tell him you stopped by, okay?|Okay.
Oh, hi, Fry.
Is he home now? Of all the zoos we've been|to today, I like this one the best.
Bender, which is your favorite|nocturnal rat? - They're all pretty unimpressive.
|Oh, honey, look! The tapirs! It says here the babies lose their|pajama-like coat after their first year.
- Isn't that interesting, honey?|- Yep.
Mind- numbingly interesting.
Whoa.
Bender! Are you looking at other women? No, baby, never! Bender! Don't lie! I saw you at Elzar's with|those two ladies of the evening! - Explain that!|- Okay.
I like a challenge.
No.
No.
I got it.
I'm going to be completely honest|with you, Planet Ecpress ship.
Those women you saw me with|were my accountants.
Your accountants? I would dearly love to believe|that were true.
So I do.
Phew.
I'm gonna go home|and get dinner started.
- Who were you talking to?|- No one, baby.
- Lucy Liu is the only girl for Bender.
|- I love you Planet Ecpress ship,|is something wrong? Oh, it's Bender.
|He's acting so strange lately.
Do you think he's gonna ask me|to marry him? Uh, no.
Somebody knows something|she's not telling.
Look.
I'm not saying|Bender's not great but have you ever considered that|maybe he's, you know, not that great? You're just jealous.
No one loves you, because you're tiny|and made of meat.
Could you maybe pay a little more|attention to these asteroids? Sorry, Capt.
Leela.
I guess I'm just having one of those|manic Mondays.
This is ancient Earth's|most foolish program.
Why does Ross, the largest friend,|not simply eat the other five? Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.
Exalted leaders,|the Earth messengers have arrived bearing a peace offering|from their weak and fearful government.
Oh, very well.
This is a Joey- heavy|episode anyway.
I am Lrrr,|of the planet Omicron Persei 8.
"Esteemed potentates|of Omicron Persei 8.
Please accept these 20 billion candy|hearts as proof that Earth loves you this much.
" Ugh! These candies are chalky and unpleasant! And what is this emotion|you humans call "wuv"? - Surely it says "love.
"|- No.
"Wuv," with an Earth W! Behold! This concept of "wuv"|confuses and infuriates us! Incoming torpedoes.
|Shields at maximum yarnell.
Steady, Planet Ecpress ship.
Focus on diverting all power|to the scram jets.
Look, Planet Ecpress ship,|this might not be the best time but, well, I really like you|and whatever but I think we should just be friends.
No! So we're cool? Well, it was a spectacular battle.
But there doesn't seem to be|any permanent damage.
No damage? What about my feelings? Aw.
Calm down.
I'm sure Bender|is taking this just as hard as you are.
Bender is great|Oh, Bender is great You coulïve picked a better time|to dump the ship.
The moment seemed right.
Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump|to be as memorable as it is devastating.
I know.
I know.
Look, ship.
If I learned one thing from my breakup|with Shawn that was totally mutual it's that happiness can only come|from within you.
But Bender is within me! There must be some way|to make him love me again.
Trust me.
You can't change men any more than you can change|the laws of time and space.
That is so true.
I may not be able to change|the laws of time and space but I know something that can.
Sweetie? You see that giant quasar|we're heading into? You might want to scooch|a few parsecs to the left.
I'm afraid I can't do that, Leela.
What's happening? Space cow? The ship's just taking the breakup|a little hard.
She's nuts! In a few moments,|the power of 10 billion black holes will smoosh Bender and me together into a beautiful eternal|quantum singularity.
You don't need to kill us,|Planet Ecpress ship.
Because I love you! Yeah, baby! Feel like doing stuff for you and stuff.
Hm.
I don't believe you.
If you really wanted to be with me you'd merge your programming|with mine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down.
|My friends who've done that say that afterwards, all the passion|went out of their relationship.
- I don't know if you want my opinion-|- Leela.
Bender and I really need to be alone,|so I'm turning off the oxygen.
Look, missy.
|If you don't turn around now I'm gonna have to shut down|your brain! Fire detected in the vicinity of Leela.
- That barely hurt Leela at all.
|- Maybe not.
But what if the artificial gravity|were to malfunction? Float for your lives! This is the one place she can't hear us.
|Just pretend to shower.
- Same as every day.
Got it.
|- Now here's the plan.
Oh, if only I could read lips.
Comprende, Bender?|You'll have to distract her.
Merge your programming with hers|while I shut down her brain.
It's too risky.
|I'm a very meek individual.
If her personality engulfs mine,|the Bender you know and worship could disappear forever.
I'm willing to take that risk.
Hey, pookums.
|Contrary to what I was saying earlier melding minds with you|would be extremely bearable.
You really mean it? Uh, yes.
Huh? Hey? Tubes?|You're older than you said you were! Come closer, Bender.
|Let's become one.
I prefer two.
That way we can still|be a horse for Halloween.
Okay, Bender has her distracted.
|Now I can shut down her brain by deactivating the carbonated|logic matrix.
Oh.
I can't concentrate|with this obnoxious candy in my face.
I'm on it.
Maybe I'll find|those magic words while I'm at it.
Fat chance.
|- Yeah, I know.
- Oh.
How about this one?|- Give it up, Fry! I've got to pop these tops|in a precise order.
Halfway there.
The ship should be|getting a bit less rational now.
- Me want engulf Bender!|No! I didn't do it! Only a few more.
Hey, I won free admission to Six Flags! Just one more reason|we must survive this.
- Leela?|- Fry, I'll read your candy later.
When we're not dead! - What was that?|- Oh, nothing.
We're gonna love being each other,|you sexy ion.
Last one.
It worked! Gravity normal.
Air returning.
|Terror replaced by cautious optimism.
We did it, Fry! Fry? You gave me your oxygen? Oh, no! Breathe, Fry! Breathe! Oh "You leave me breathless"? - Happy v alentine's Day, Fry.
|- Happy v alentine's Day.
Bender, are you okay? What crazy thing am I gonna date next? It sounds like you were able to keep|your consciousness separate from hers.
Of course.
Bender is a lone wolf.
|A solitary eagle.
A cuddly baby tapir.
And that's why I love him.
I guess we'd better clean up|these millions of hearts.
No.
I've got a lazier idea.
As the candy hearts|poured into the fiery quasar a wondrous thing happened,|why not? They vaporized|into a mysticalove radiation that spread across the universe,|destroying many, many planets including two gangster planets|and a cowboy world.
But one planet was ecactly the right|distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them.
Earth.
so al over the world,|couples stood together in joy.
And me, zoidberg.
No one could have been happier, unless|it would have also been Valentine's Day.
What? It was? Hooray!