Ghosts (2021) s04e04 Episode Script

1
Come on. Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm waiting to see if that
branch with the crack falls.
How long have you been waiting?
Mm, 23 years, but I
think today's the day.
Nothing prepares one
for the sheer boredom
of endless purgatory.
- We could start a rumor.
- [GASPS]
Ooh, we haven't started
a rumor in a while.
- Mm.
- Can it be devastating?
- Oh, absolutely.
- Mm.
But who should it be about?
Hey, guys.
I just got back from an epic trip.
I went to "Buda-pesht."
You may know it as "Buda-pest,"
but in "Buda-pesht" it's "Buda-pesht."
And it was the Buda-best.
[LAUGHS]
- Uh-huh.
- Can't wait to tell Donna
all about it.
I'm gonna see her next week.
Right, Donna, your island paramour.
Man, this new power has
really opened things up for me.
I never realized how bored I was
just sitting there for 40 years, yeesh.
[LAUGHS]
Anyway, nice to see you
guys. Good to be back.
Good luck with your,
uh, branch there, Sass.
Today could be the day.
Let me know what happens. [CHUCKLES]
Ah.
Random thought, but, uh,
what if we made the rumor about Pete?
Let's make it a doozy.
♪
SAMANTHA: All right,
"Getting Your Groove Back
After a Breakup," here we go.
Yes, this article shall be the salve
to the lingering pain of
my separation from Nigel.
"Number one: take a trip somewhere fun."
ALBERTA: Okay, well,
that one is obviously out.
"Number two: reinvent yourself
with a bold new wardrobe."
- Oh, boy.
- JAY: Guessing that didn't go over well.
Wait, let me see, uh,
"Enjoy a decadent
meal, join a rec league
and meet new people,"
yeah, these aren't helping.
Another great article from
the biased Living media.
TREVOR: Well, that's it.
Looks like I'm gonna
have to quit my job.
I'm-I'm sorry, job? You have a job?
I was keeping it secret so
Mom and Dad didn't freak out,
but yeah.
I've been working remotely
for the last three months
as a financial analyst
at Mahoning Capital.
Apparently, Trevor has
been working remotely
as some sort of financial analyst.
What? How?
TREVOR: I got an
identity on the dark web,
applied online and got the gig.
From there, it was easy.
Sending in my reports,
crushing chats in the company Slack.
It's honestly a great time
for a ghost to have a job.
So he got an identity on the dark web.
How did he even get
through an interview?
I said I needed a written interview
because I have ADHD, which
isn't technically true,
but I also lied about it
in college to get drugs,
so there is a history there.
So why must you quit this job?
Because my boss is demanding our team
attend a mandatory in-person retreat,
which obviously I can't do.
It sucks. Also, it's just rude.
A work thing on a
weekend? People have lives.
- You're dead.
- I'm talking about other people.
Should I get a job? Would
that get my groove back?
Now, a good rumor must be
surprising yet plausible.
- Mm-hmm.
- In life, I once spread a doozy
about Mamie Fish having a back nipple.
- What about Pete's hair?
- Hmm.
Maybe we tell people it's a wig?
- Ooh.
- Or it snaps in place like a Lego piece?
It does look oddly removable.
- Yeah.
- I guess that's what his island girl Donna's into.
That's it. Donna.
What about Donna?
Oh, no
- Oh
- Sorry, actually, it's nothing.
- It's not really meant for you to hear.
- No. No, no, no, no.
Thor can keep secret.
Tell no one the baroness died
in season finale of Bodices and Barons.
I haven't seen that yet.
Is excellent, you will enjoy.
Now, what about Donna?
[SIGHS] Okay, fine.
So, rumor has it, Pete's
Caribbean girlfriend Donna
doesn't exist.
- Whoa.
- Peter made the whole thing up.
- I can't it's very sad.
- It's so sad.
- It's sad.
- So sad. It's so sad.
But remember, Thorfinn,
- mum's the word.
- Mm-hmm.
Thor promise. Is secret.
Sort of like how Baroness died
at hands of own sister Penelope.
- Thorfinn!
- Is great twist.
You will love. [LAUGHS]
TREVOR: Okay, I have great news.
I just Slacked with my
boss Brett, and he is down
to have the work retreat
here at Woodstone.
What? Trevor wants to
have his work retreat here.
How would that even help?
- They won't be able to see him.
- TREVOR: True,
they won't be able to see me,
but they will be able
to see Jay being me.
And now he's suggesting that
you somehow pretend to be him.
[LAUGHS] No. No way.
Wait, how would that even work?
Well, they don't know what I look like,
and I can just tell him what to say.
Or tell you to tell him what to say.
Yeah, Jay could wear one of
those Bluetooth earpieces.
I feel like douchey
Wall Street guys do that.
- Yeah, we do.
- JAY: What is going on?
Why are you so on board?
I'm-I'm not pretending to be a ghost.
No one is asking him to
pretend to be a ghost.
I'm simply asking him to
pretend to be the person
that a ghost is pretending to be.
ISAAC: What's going on, gang?
Oh, Trevor's trying to
get Jay to [GASPS]
[ALBERTA STAMMERS]
I'm sorry, what the hell is this?
What? Oh, this?
You know, after you all departed,
I finished that magazine article
and I was taken by tip number nine:
"New do, new you."
Hey, hey. Sam. Hey.
Sorry, Isaac d-did something.
It's not important.
"Not important"? The old Isaac
would be offended by
a comment like that.
But the new Isaac says,
"Long hair, don't care."
Sam, please.
Having this job has
made me feel alive again.
I love being back in
the mix with my people:
fun, cool go-getters, instead
of these dead lame-o's.
- No offense.
- No offense taken.
- All good.
- Ugh. I really hate this.
Jay, this job means so much to Trevor.
- We could at least try.
- TREVOR: Also,
I didn't want to make my
finance job about money,
but if you do this, I'll
split my bonus with you.
And he's offering to
split his bonus with us.
- How much?
- Enough to repair the fountain.
He's talking fountain money, Jay.
Okay. [EXHALES] Fine.
Yes.
See? It all worked out.
Oh, stop it.
But I'm just not sure this
sells "Trevor Lefkowitz."
I didn't use my real name.
I picked something hard to google
and impossible to forget.
What name did you use?
H-Hey, guys, it's me, Michael Jackson.
As you all know, my name is Brett,
aka the Brettinator. [CHUCKLES]
I gave him that nickname.
BRETT: Welcome to our team meeting.
I thought it was important
for us to get together IRL,
get some face time
to see if Maggie can
finally take down Dave.
- Hey-yo!
- Ooh.
You guys know I'm engaged.
Nobody cares, Dave, this is happening.
[CHUCKLES]
Classic Maggie. I love it.
So she's harassing him.
I guess that's progress?
It's all good.
BRETT: Uh-oh, MJ,
you're not on the phone
with HR, are you? [LAUGHS]
Uh, no, I'm on a business call.
Stocks.
"Earnings call,
dolla-dolla bills, y'all."
And tell him to raise the roof
when he says it, that's key.
"Earnings call.
Dolla-dolla bills, y'all."
And Trevor says to raise
the roof when you say it.
Earnings call.
[DRUMS ON LEG, SIGHS]
Dolla-dolla bills, y'all.
- [LAUGHING]: Ah!
- Hey, raise the roof.
By the way, Michael, sick
job with the Dreamtek merger.
How did you reach the valuation?
That is a great question.
How did I come up with the valuation
for the Dreamtek merger?
I ran a DCF with a Monte Carlo sim
to factor in volatility.
Uh
Mmm.
Oh, you know.
I ran a, uh, a-a-a DTF
down in Monte Carlo.
DTF?
Sounds like me this weekend.
Am I right, Dave? [LAUGHS]
Lock your door, Dave. Maggie's
had a lot of white wine.
You guys, I got big news.
Did you hear about Pete?
Thor told me that his
Caribbean plaything
Donna isn't real. He made her up.
What? Why would he do that?
Oh, I'm not that
surprised. That's his kink.
He likes 'em fake, huh?
Pete's girlfriend is fake?
Pete's girlfriend is fake.
Pete's girlfriend is fake.
Pete? From compliance?
Yep. That's the one.
They have a kid together. I thought.
Nope. Kid's fake, too.
Uh, but I made a major life decision
based on Pete bursting into my wedding
saying how meaningful his
relationship with Donna was,
and you're telling me he made it all up?
Pretty much.
I have to be alone with my thoughts.
Oh.
THORFINN: Yes! Pete with arrow in neck!
He has fake girlfriend!
That is most pathetic, Father! [LAUGHS]
Yes, is very embarrassing!
Which is why you must keep secret!
Why would you say that I made up Donna?
Pete. [CHUCKLES]
Just rumor going around.
Everyone saying so.
But better question is,
why you listening to Thor's
private yellings with son?
Where is this coming from?
Donna is real. She's my girlfriend.
Oh, there you are.
Ow!
What was that sound, Father?
Bjorn miss incredible
moment! Will fill in later!
What was that for?
For your wedding day spectacle
that was rooted in pure fiction.
I left Nigel at the altar based in part
on your tale of this wonderful "Donna."
You fooled me with your pitiful fantasy.
Okay, this has escalated.
I may look laid-back,
but this has my dander up.
I kind of feel like he's
stepping on my thing,
but we don't have to
get into that right now.
Isaac, I would never
make up a story like that.
Donna is real. You've got to believe me.
You've gone too far this time, Peter.
Long hair do care.
TREVOR: And tell Jay he
needs to do a better job
- selling my anecdotes.
- Trevor thinks you could seem
a little more enthusiastic
about his stories.
Okay, first of all,
that's way too much salt.
And also, he's got to give
me something to work with.
That Pauly Shore thing went nowhere.
"Nowhere"? We shared
an ice cream in Montauk.
Who is Pauly Shore?
A once-in-a-generation
talent, and we went splitsies
on a pint of rocky road, and somehow,
Jay can't even make that interesting.
I got to get back in there.
Hey, do you think I could tell them
that the innkeeper lady's into me?
Think it might buy me
some cred with the gang.
He's not wrong.
[LAUGHS] Okay, fine.
I guess I could be a
little lonely up here,
running this place by myself.
Your character does not
need a backstory, Sam.
[SQUEALS]
Sorry, I was chatting
up that hot innkeeper.
I think she's got a little thing for me.
Take a number, MJ.
She's been giving me eyes all afternoon.
Really?
- Is no one safe?
- BRETT: Okay,
best restaurant in the city right now.
Oh, Le Cirque. Say Le Cirque.
Trevor says it's Le Cirque.
[SIGHS]
Ah what's he doing?
It used to be Le Cirque 20 years ago,
but now I'd say it's Maxfields,
Carbonara, or Tom and Joe's.
Yeah, but those places
are impossible to get into.
- Yeah.
- Not if you know the chef.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, he pulled that off, but,
Sam, you got to come get him.
We need the earpiece back in.
Uh, uh, Jay. Um, MJ, Michael Jackson.
I can't remember how you said
you wanted your steak cooked.
Medium-rare.
- [SCOFFS]
- SAMANTHA: Well, actually,
could you come show me? Because
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]:
I'm all alone up here,
and I don't get to talk to many people
since the mill closed.
Times have been hard.
Is she doing a Southern accent?
You don't have a character, Sam.
Sure, I'll be right there.
Ooh.
Okay,
can I say what we're all thinking?
[SIGHS] I am obsessed with MJ.
He rules.
- [EXHALES]
- ALBERTA: Wow,
- they really like Jay.
- TREVOR: Only because I spent
the last month laying the groundwork.
They don't like Jay.
They like Michael Jackson, aka T-Money.
BRETT: What's crazy is,
before this retreat,
I expected Michael to be so lame.
- What?
- MAGGIE: And old.
His references on Slack
were so dated and cringe.
DAVE: I know, he's
always talking about that
weird ice-skating
rom-com The Cutting Edge.
- Yeah.
- That's a great movie.
Forgive me for being cultured.
I was sure he was gonna be, like, 70.
Totally wrong.
BRETT: Yeah, it turns out he's not
some weird old geezer after all.
Geezer?
Don't listen to them, Trev.
Thor think Le Cirque very cool.
Whatever. Screw this.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: I got
the first course for y'all.
It's a corn chowder just
like Meemaw used to make.
That was before the war,
before the winds of change swept
through our little farmstead.
You know, I was out, but I'm back in.
My girl's painting a picture. [CHUCKLES]
SAMANTHA: Hey.
Thor and Alberta told us what happened.
Are you doing okay?
If it makes you feel
better, it's not your fault.
I'm just really charming and likable.
- Jay.
- I'm just quoting the Brettinator.
I just feel like such a fool.
I thought this job was my
chance to relive my glory days,
to pick up where I left off,
but the truth is, it's too late.
The parade has passed me by.
If it help parade also pass by Thor.
Did not know there was parade.
Did you see parade?
Well, you still have the job.
You could still do
your trading and stuff.
It wasn't about the job.
When I was alive, I was
on my way to being someone,
to making a mark, to becoming a legend.
But now I'm just some dead
guy that nobody remembers.
Look, Trevor, here's the thing.
He's gone, Jay.
Can you just let me make my point?
Who does it hurt?
In my day I see many
die before their time.
Such as Agnar,
who had intestines ripped
out through sphincter.
And Gunhild, who was fed
own eyeballs and beheaded.
- I could go on.
- Please don't.
Feel like posting an update, babe?
Trevor feels like he never got
the chance to make his mark.
Because he died so young.
And he's starting to
realize he never will.
And then Thor tell very
relevant sphincter story.
Please convey.
Yeah, I imagine that must
be really hard for Trevor.
Oh, man, now I'm feeling bad
for the ghost that wanted
to sleep with my sister.
I just wish there was
something we could do.
I think I might have an idea.
Name of sphincter victim was Agnar,
in case have trouble recalling.
Peter, can we talk to you for a moment?
Sure, but I'm pretty cheesed off.
I'm gonna figure out
what sick, twisted person
started this rumor,
and I'm gonna slap them.
With my words.
Using constructive conversation.
We have a confession to make, Peter.
We were the ones that started
that rumor about Donna.
What?
Why would you do that?
We were bored, and it seemed fun.
But why me?
Well, to be honest, I
think we might've been
a little jealous of your power.
We're very happy for you,
but it's not easy hearing
about your escapades.
And then the "Buda-pesht" of it all,
kind of felt like you
were asking for it.
Ah, darn it.
I got so caught up in my hectic
boundary-crossing lifestyle,
I didn't take time to think about
how my travel talk
affects the housebounds.
That's what I call regular ghosts.
- Cool.
- It can't be easy
for Donna either,
dating a 100% free-range.
That's what I call myself.
Well, that notwithstanding,
again, what we did was
wrong, and we are very sorry.
A-And don't worry, we will
tell everyone that we were
the ones that spread the vicious rumor.
Yeah, man, I'm sorry.
[SIGHS] Thanks, I appreciate it,
but I feel like the damage is done.
I mean, how can I
prove that Donna's real?
She can't come here.
You guys clearly can't go there.
I'm the only one with the almost
magical ability to move
between different
Okay, yeah, I'm hearing it now.
Ooh, this is a great retreat.
From the highs of getting wasted
with you all last night
to the lows of Dave
wimping out and staying
faithful to his fiancée.
MAGGIE: Nice shirt, Dave. Do
they make that in a men's version?
[LAUGHS]
Maggie call Dave woman
in most humorous manner.
[BELL RINGING]
I'd like to say a few words.
You're the man, MJ.
Cool, glad they love Jay.
And just keep listening.
It's true, I am the man. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTER]
But it's only because
I had the best mentor.
A legend by the name
of Trevor Lefkowitz.
What?
JAY: He taught me
everything I know about
finance and hot chicks
and underrated rom-com The Cutting Edge.
Trevor Lefkowitz?
You mean T-Money?
You know him?
We all know Trevor Lefkowitz.
- They do?
- You do?
Sorry. Can I get you guys anything?
Hey, what happened to your accent?
Oh.
That was my twin sister Daisy May.
We were separated at birth, but now
we run an inn together.
She's a laid-back country gal
and I'm a go-go city
slicker, but somehow it works.
Who is this for, Sam?
Anyway, how do you guys know T-Money?
MAGGIE: Well, we don't
know him personally,
but we know the legend.
Back in the day,
Trevor gave his pants to a
junior trader named Pinkus
during a hazing ritual
known as the Run of Fun.
True hero move on Trevor's part.
DAVE: And Pinkus was forever grateful.
When he started his own
firm, he banned hazing,
and then passed the
story down to his mentees.
- They passed it down to us.
- Aw.
T-Money changed the game.
That's incredible.
- He was hot, too.
- Mm.
It just keeps getting better.
How's that for leaving a mark, Trev?
BRETT: We still do the
Run of Fun to this day,
but now it's a fun tribute
to Trevor and his legacy.
They don't like you, Trevor.
They idolize you.
Wait, how could Trevor be your mentor?
Wouldn't you have been
a teenager when he died?
Oh, he was a family friend, and, uh,
I was very advanced.
Like [WHOOSHES] The timing works.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
ALL: T-Money!
And I say hey-ey-ey ♪
Hey-ey-ey ♪
I said hey ♪
[CHUCKLES] Trevor looks so happy.
Good for him.
[ALL GROAN]
That shirt really hikes
up when he's running, huh?
Wonder if they make that
shirt in lady version.
[LAUGHS]
Wait.
I'm going in.
What?
My hair looks too good not
to be flowing in the breeze.
And I say hey-ey-ey ♪
Hey-ey-ey ♪
I said hey ♪
What's going on? ♪
SAMANTHA: Well, Pete, I did
a little research for you,
and I managed to find
some articles about Donna.
She's real, all right.
See, I told you. [LAUGHS]
Wait, why are there articles about her?
Because she sort of murdered her husband
and fled to the Caribbean.
Really?
Oh, shoot.
Yeah, there's actually
an episode of a show
called Vicious Vixens that
delves into the whole situation.
You guys want to watch?
Uh, no, we don't want
to watch an episode
about Pete's psychotic
murdering girlfriend.
Play it.
NARRATOR [ON TV]: They
called her the Slaying Mantis.
Ooh, that's clever.
A cold-blooded killer.
[MAN ON TV SCREAMING]
Whoa, a pitchfork?
Didn't see that coming.
Neither did Gerald, apparently.
NANCY: Do you know Pete?
The guy with the arrow through his neck?
JUDY: Yeah, what about him?
Rumor has it, his hair is
actually some type of wig.
Interesting. I would buy that.
NANCY: Some are saying it
may even be made out of Lego.
Did you guys start that rumor, too?
Oh yeah.
We didn't we didn't know
if the Donna rumor
would-would get traction.
So we started the hair thing as a hedge.
JUDY: What a sad loser.
NANCY: Seriously! It's like,
get an afterlife, you freak!