Grace and Frankie (2015) s04e04 Episode Script

1 [GRACE POTTER'S "STUCK IN THE MIDDLE" PLAYING.]
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh Nick? [GROANS.]
Nick.
- Hey! - Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Did I fall asleep? Yeah, we both must have dozed off.
That was amazing.
- You are - Yeah, you too.
- Time to go.
- amazing.
Come on, time to go.
[CLAPPING.]
Come on, up and at 'em.
- You're gonna really make me get up? - Yes, come on.
Come on.
And go all the way downstairs and have my chauffeur take me home? Your struggle is an inspiration to all of us.
Here are your Gucci loafers.
God how do you always manage to look so great? Oh, please.
I just woke up.
I must look like hell.
We can still call it "casual" and have the occasional sleepover.
They call that "college.
" Keep it moving.
Usually I'm the one kicking the girl out at the end of the night.
I don't care for this.
Oh, is it wrong that I enjoy making you feel cheap? Come on, you gotta give me something.
Maybe next time a two-hour nap, post-sex? Half-hour catnap and I'm setting an alarm.
Fine, but it's going to cut into your cuddling time.
I'll live.
Oh, God.
I thought you were gonna bail on me after your big date.
Nope.
I need recovery time.
I found these old Apple Loops in the cabinet from before I left.
You think they're still good? Sure.
Better with age, like us.
I have to admit, I miss a good preservative.
Santa Fe was so "all-natural," but nothing beats fruity chemicals for TV night.
Oh, God, I'd just love to be able to, you know, just drop it all.
Right.
And just relax.
And pass gas.
Oh, please, don't pass gas.
Okay, starting now.
Starting now.
[LAUGHING.]
Ah.
Oh.
If you would just use this cane the doctor gave you, your knee wouldn't swell up so much.
Well, if Nick saw me with that cane, he wouldn't swell up so much.
You know, I have to say, you put in a lot of work for this guy.
Is this where you're gonna start to get on me for dating a younger man? No, I'm cool with that.
I used to sit Bud and Coyote down and explain to them that it was perfectly natural if their friends were attracted to me.
Well, that must have been very comforting for them to hear.
Well, it is a fair amount of work with Nick.
A few hours of prep, a few hours of recovery.
And this guy is worth all this? There are 30 magic minutes in there when I feel as young as I have ever felt.
Although, I think he did hear a few "ouches" tonight when I bent my knee.
I don't have that problem with Jacob.
During sex, we both know that half the moans we're making have absolutely nothing to do with pleasure.
[LAUGHING.]
That must be nice.
Mm.
But, you know, we know this has a clear expiration date.
I mean, it's new and exciting for him now to be dating an older woman, but he'll move on soon enough.
So whose night is it? Well, Tuesday we re-watched Goonies for the 40th time, so it's my night.
Great! So Goonies? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hey, I forgot my wallet.
Oh, my God! Oh, he can't see me like this.
- No, no.
Okay.
- Help me cover up.
- Okay, okay.
Here.
- Make sure my feet are covered.
- Okay.
- Get the lights! And you gotta give him his wallet.
Okay.
Oh, God.
[GRUNTS, GROANS.]
Everything okay in there? [FRANKIE.]
Uh, hold your horses, fat cat! Well, where the hell is it? It's on the pony wall in the dining room! He paid for takeout! [SIGHS.]
I got it! Oh.
Of course it's leather, probably Italian.
Oh, Jesus, it feels so buttery.
Interesting technique, turning off the lights to look for something.
- Hiya, Kooky.
Welcome back.
- Thanks.
I missed that inventive nickname so much, I couldn't stay away.
- Is Grace still up? - Nope.
What's that lump under the afghan? Four additional afghans.
It gets cold here at night.
Here.
Oh, wait.
Finder's fee.
Toodles.
At most, I'm three afghans.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I just had a lovely driveway-chat with our new neighbor.
Is he that handsome guy we waved to the other day? The one who looks like a JCPenney Model? Yep, Oliver.
He and his boyfriend, Joe, are planning their backyard wedding.
- Oh, it's a couple.
- Yep.
And I invited them over for drinks later! Oh, here we go.
What? Wouldn't it be nice for us to have "our" gay friends, instead of "yours" and "mine," separately? But they're younger, Sol.
And if they like throwing events in their backyard, they may be party gays.
Huh.
Is this some of that hip lingo you picked up from your new Lear crowd? You mean my theater gays? - Oh.
Are you a theater gay? - I am.
I am also an elder gay.
And me? Am I a lawyer gay? No, that's not a thing.
But you may be an activist gay.
- Oh, I like that.
- I thought you might.
And what about our new neighbors? They have a custom furniture store in Hillcrest.
Oliver does interiors and Joe is a carpenter.
A style gay and a butch gay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let's not play this with the new guys.
They might hate us.
Agreed.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
You made quick work putting this place back together.
Back in, baby! I did keep a few hints of Sheree pink, though, to symbolize the "new" of my "new old life.
" Oof.
That's a big concept for first thing in the morning.
Would this be an easier concept? I need a ride to the credit union later.
Your new life still inconveniences me like your old life.
I can't.
I have to meet Nick at 4:00.
Listen to this.
"Been thinking about last night.
We need to talk.
" Oh, God.
He wants a three-way.
No.
[STAMMERS.]
Uh I know what it is.
We've reached our expiration date.
He's gonna break up with me.
I'm sorry.
It was fun while it lasted.
Not to be indelicate, but if you're not meeting Nick till 4:00, maybe you can take me to the credit union.
You can drive your new old self.
I have to start getting ready now.
I want to look better than ever so he'll regret it.
Grace when he breaks up with you, you know what to tell him.
He has herpes? He has herpes.
Thank you so much.
Have a good one.
Next! Oh, for fuck's Mindy! Look who's back! Yep.
I hadn't seen you in a couple of months.
I was hoping that you'd changed banks.
Said with a smile.
Always a smile.
Look, I'm not looking for trouble here today, just a new bank card.
- What'd you do, try to eat it? - Really? Was it a goat? Did a goat chew on it? See, this is where we get into trouble.
I am a valued and loyal customer, and you are a black fly in my chardonnay.
We are required to ask.
And are you required to have that face? [KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
- You're dead.
- Oh, man.
If this is the way you really want this to go, let's do this, stone-cold style.
- No! No, no, no! - Come on! Come on! No, you're really dead.
Deceased.
It says so right here.
What? That's impossible.
Not according to the Social Security Administration death master file.
Very funny, Mindy.
Would you take me off that, please? It may surprise you, but that is about 17,000 steps above my pay grade.
But I'm right here! How can I be dead? I am not saying that you're dead.
I'm saying that Frankie Bergstein is dead.
Well, okay, I'm Frankie Bergstein.
She's dead.
You're enjoying this, aren't you? I am.
And I'm afraid I can't issue a new card to a dead lady.
- [BELL DINGS.]
- Next! I am standing right here! Next.
Carolyn! [LAUGHS.]
How's the grandbaby? [SCOFFS.]
Boy, you are dead all over the place.
It's not just the bank.
Social Security, your Visa, your Red Roof Inn rewards card.
God, Grace, I'm never going to meet my first grandchild! That's actually not the way this works.
You're only legally dead.
- Well, I want to be undead.
- Well, that is a whole different thing.
How could this have happened? Really? You have absolutely no idea how this could have happened? I lost the damn key to my post office box again.
- The replacement key is - Sixty bucks, I know.
I've paid it 12 times.
But I'm moving to Santa Fe.
It's my last batch of mail.
Can't you cut me a little slack just this once? The rule is only people with a key can have access to their mail.
There's no other option? Not unless Hello, darling.
I'm here to collect mail from box 1524.
That belongs to Frankie Bergstein.
Unfortunately, she is no longer with us.
And according to my latest Google search, her death automatically releases her mail to the next of kin, which is yours truly.
This is terrible news.
Although, she didn't look very good the last time she was here.
She said the same thing about you.
In fact, those were her very last words.
- Oh.
- You told a federal agency you were dead? But I never thought that the post office would tell Mindy! They tell everyone! Oh, God.
Oh, boy, when you step in it, you go deep.
Hey, last week's adventure with Sheree ended up all good.
They can't all be gems.
Well, this is one you may not come back from, kiddo.
I've got to go meet Nick.
Oh! Oh, God, this is gonna kill me.
Well, at least you're still alive! Ah.
If drinks go well, I'm going to suggest dinner.
And if that goes well, I think we should talk to them about Miami in April.
Slow down, Sol.
Why don't we wait to see if we all like each other first? Of course! Of course! I'm just excited.
We've never had a fun gay couple in the neighborhood before.
- Oh? - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
What about Greg and Jeffrey? I said "fun.
" I thought watching Greco-Roman wrestling was fun.
- [SOL.]
Come in.
- [MAN.]
Hi.
How are you? - Hi.
- [DOOR SHUTS.]
Robert, this is Oliver and Jo.
Hi.
Wow, your house is beautiful.
Thank you.
Nice to meet you, Joanna? No, no.
Just Jo.
I see.
I was expecting a a longer name.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Hmm.
Didn't know what to get because we've never had coffee together, have we? It's weird we've never had coffee.
Oh, God, are you a tea person? I'm a get-right-to-the-point person.
- So, why don't you - Okay.
Okay, I'm just going to say it.
I want more.
- You want to see more people? - No.
I want more you.
- What? No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
Grace, do you like me? Well, I wouldn't be sleeping with you if I didn't like you.
So, when I like something, I want more of it.
I've noticed that about you.
You kind of lead with that.
See? It's effortless with you.
I'm not sure I'd call it "effortless.
" So, if you like me, why can't I sleep over once in a while? Or meet your kids? Or go away with you sometime? Because that's not what this is.
Why not? Can't we just give it a try? How about a week away in Paris? Just you, me, and the Champs-Élysées.
How about Santa Barbara for an afternoon? How about Hawaii? Bright sun, skinny dipping, you in a bikini.
Holy shit.
Let's do an overnight in Santa Barbara.
Let's do a long weekend in Santa Barbara.
Okay, forget Santa Barbara.
Now, I'll give you one overnight a week at my house.
Fine.
And I get to keep a toothbrush there.
Travel-size only.
Deal.
Now, more personally Oh, my God.
There's more? You've met my son and I've met zero on your side.
- I want to have dinner with your kids.
- Lunch.
One kid.
Lunch.
Two kids.
Nobu.
My house.
One kid.
The nice one.
Done.
You show your hand too much.
You could've gotten Santa Barbara.
Oh, you're good.
[LAUGHS.]
We'll be right back.
Oh, my God.
What a lovely pair of homosexuals we have living next door.
I don't know what the hell is happening.
Oliver was so clearly gay in the driveway this morning.
I'll tell you what's happening, Sol.
You were clearly way off-base.
- Yep, yep.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Here we are.
- It is so lovely here.
- [SOL.]
Thank you.
So - how soon is the wedding? - Next May.
I'm pulling for an intimate family gathering in our backyard.
But I've always dreamed of a wedding in the Hamptons at Grey Gardens.
You know that short window of time when the lilies of the valley are in bloom? I do know that time.
He's the romantic.
I'm the Practical Patty.
Opposites attract! You guys have a lot going on.
Moving and planning a wedding.
And running a business.
Yeah, with our luck, this is exactly when we'll get pregnant.
Right? Bring it on! [LAUGHS.]
I mean, we're super busy now, but it's worth it for the future we both want.
I know you're worth it, but you're the one who has to put up with me.
Okay.
Okay, is anybody gonna say what we're all thinking? Uh What are we all thinking? Where did you get those salt and pepper shakers?! Is it Mary and Lou? Because I love them! - I love them.
- [JO.]
Me too.
No, I am not dead.
I don't care what it says.
I am talking to you on the phone right now.
Really? And tell me, do you get a lot of obituary-scanning swindlers at Popcorn Ball of the Month? Next month is butterscotch balls.
And I want to live! - I mean - I know! - It's just - I know! That's the guy I met in the driveway! So what the hell are they doing, those two? Well, clearly he makes Jo happy.
Maybe they have some arrangement.
Sol, we know exactly what they have.
We had it ourselves.
Someone should tell her the truth.
That's up to Oliver, and clearly he's not there yet.
What if it takes him 20 years? I think you may be over-identifying here.
I'm just saying, maybe we should have - a heart-to-heart with Jo.
- What?! We're in a very unique position to help her.
No, sir! First of all, they're terrific.
Second of all, stop over-identifying! How can I not? Why are you trying to ruin this for me? Do you not want us to have friends? Sol, we could save that woman years of regret.
The way we weren't able to do for Frankie and Grace.
Frankie didn't regret a moment of our time together.
Well, Grace feels differently.
And I'm not gonna stand by now and watch someone do that to someone else.
I cannot believe I'm hearing you say you want to out a man you only just met.
Robert! Whatever you say to her can't ever be unsaid.
You'll be responsible for whatever follows.
Are you sure you're ready for that? No.
So please stay out of this.
You're right.
I know you're right.
I know I'm right, too.
Oh Thank you for doing this on such short notice, honey.
Are you kidding? A chance to meet Mom's new boyfriend? - We're not calling him that.
- Oh, what are we calling him? My man date.
Okay.
- What's going on with your leg? - I'm fine.
Let's just sit down.
Hi! What the hell? Foolish enough to leave your side door open.
Why are you here? Well, to punish you for not inviting me.
And because your youngest can't keep secrets.
- This wasn't a secret.
It was - Mom you've never introduced us to anyone that you've dated.
The fact you want Mallory to meet him and not me means you're hiding something.
Why are you walking that way? Did he do something to your legs? I will fucking kill him! No! I'm fine! We're just not gonna bring it up when he's here.
I have to fill you in on a few things about him first.
What, does he wear a gold chain? Is there a hairpiece issue? - Are we dealing with old man smell here? - No, he's definitely not old.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
He's here! Ooh.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Nick.
- Hey.
- [GRACE.]
Hi.
Oh - [NICK CHUCKLES.]
Mmm.
Beautiful.
Thank you.
- Nick, this is Mallory.
- Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- You, too.
- And this is - Brianna! Nick? Oh, wow.
Whoa, it's been a while.
Oh, my God! You've slept with my daughter! - What? - Oh, wow! You really shouldn't have come.
Mom, no! [CHUCKLES.]
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
He slept with my friend.
He dated my friend, Kelly.
Years ago.
Lots of years ago.
Your friend, Kelly? Your much older friend, Kelly? I mean Let's see, when I was a junior, she was Fifty? - Right, she was 50? - Grace.
Oh, wait, not little Kelly.
Little Kelly who you grew up with? Grace Little Kelly who you went trick-or-treating with? Little Kelly who pooped in our hot tub? Oh, that Kelly.
It was not a serious thing, and it was a while back.
- A little help here, please? - Yeah.
Mom, this was a long time ago.
- Yeah, like, maybe four years ago.
- Ten.
- More like ten.
- Right.
Probably ten.
I always get four and ten mixed up.
Who needs a drink? I'd like a martini, please.
And then, I'd like a pitcher of martinis.
I can make that happen.
Girls? - Same.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, good, good.
And to think I was nervous about today's lunch.
If it makes you feel any better, Kelly pooped in my hot tub, too.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [BRIANA.]
Oh, he's funny.
- [MALLORY.]
He's funny.
Yeah.
It's an existential crisis! It's a bureaucratic nightmare! I feel like I am trapped in a body bag wrapped in a thousand feet of red tape! - It's terrible.
Just terrible.
- [SOL WHIMPERS.]
You know she's not actually dead, Sol.
I know.
I know.
It just got to me.
You know I love you so much, right? Everybody needs to toughen up and get me resurrected before I really lose my shit! I hate to tell you, but it's not going to be easy.
I will do whatever it takes.
What are we talking about here? A little payola for one of your judge friends? I'm afraid we've hit our quota of favors from our judge friends.
To help get us out of jail.
Oh, damn you feisty queens, using up all my pay for play! I'm sorry.
You need to understand there is no quick fix here.
At this rate, by the time I'm alive, I will be dead.
Let me get you some of my banana bread.
It always does the trick.
Frankie, can I ask you something just between us? Lord, just tell him you hate his banana bread.
We all know it's too gummy.
It's been that way for years.
It's just that I've gotten used to it.
No, it's more serious than his banana bread.
I need to ask you, before you got married, if someone knew that Sol was gay, would you have wanted them to tell you? Someone did tell me.
And we never spoke again.
Frankie.
Frankie.
[MAKES OCEAN SOUND.]
Caw, caw.
Ding, ding.
Frankie.
[LAUGHS.]
Boy, I was really out to sea there.
What's happening? Are we sitting Shiva? You'd have to bury me first.
There is an upside to all of this.
No car payments, no more taxes.
I mean, you might even be off the FBI watch list.
You know what? Being dead isn't all it's cracked up to be.
And let's be honest, when you're my age, the real thing is not that far off.
Oh.
I mean, what haven't I done? What regrets do I have? And do I have time to change things? Well, I mean, I know I regret popping by to see you.
Sorry.
I can't help reckoning with a life unfinished.
Wow, this is good times.
What can I do to cheer you up? [LAUGHS.]
Oh Do you by chance have a butterscotch popcorn ball? There she is.
[LAUGHS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, we just wanted to say thank you for the other night.
Oh, you didn't need to.
Of course, I did have to go to three different places to find the right one, but I'm kind of insane about orchids.
Well, who isn't? - Oh, thanks very much.
- You're very welcome.
So, we'll see you soon, I hope.
You know, Jo and I were just saying last night that we would be lucky to be half as happy as you and Sol seem to be.
Oh, that's very sweet.
How long have you been married? Not long, but we were both married before.
Oh, really? You were? Yeah.
Actually it's a very interesting story.
I can't believe she's never gonna meet her first grandchild.
[SNIFFLES.]
She never should have gone to the post office that day.
[BRIANNA.]
Frankie Bergstein is dead.
She had so much more to do.
If she only had the time.
I didn't think she was all that.
Teddie? [GASPS.]
[PANTING.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[GROANING.]
[SIGHS.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
This is my travel-size.
I also brought this because the big one was a joke.
It's cute which just makes this harder.
Oh, no.
Little Kelly, right? I can't compete with younger women, Nick.
And I don't want to anymore.
Grace, you don't have to.
Look, you have been honest with me, and I owe you the same thing.
I just I can't keep this up.
I don't get it.
[SIGHS.]
There's a reality here that you are not seeing.
Where? What the hell reality are you talking about? Me.
The reality of me and everything that goes along with my age.
What are you so afraid of? Once you see the real me, you are gonna run for the hills.
I want to see you.
That's all I keep saying.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
You think you can handle this? You think you can handle this? And this? Knee and all the real nitty-gritty underneath all of this? Huh? [SNIFFLES.]
You want me for real Well, here I am, baby.
And there's only one direction I go from here, I'm afraid, and it's not prettier.
Oh, yeah, and here is my new little friend.
So, you want me? You want the real me? Well, this is what you get.
I'll take it.
Babe There's something tragic about you Something so magic about you Don't you agree? Babe There's something lonesome about you Something so wholesome about you Get closer to me No tight side No rollin' eyes No irony No "Who cares?" No vacant stares No time for me [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.