Harley Quinn (2019) s04e04 Episode Script

[POISON IVY] It's like I'm
going to a business convention
on the fucking moon.
Avoid everyone from Thanagar.
They all have chlamydia.
Nora, it's a business conference.
It's not some intergalactic
orgy situation.
Oh, so you'll be the
first person to come back
from a business conference
without chlamydia?
- Okay.
- I guess so.
I mean, I'm I'm planning
to dominate this conference.
Crushing panels, mingling at drinks,
making sick connections with evil CEOs.
Okay, well, when it starts
to sting when you pee,
call Professor Hugo Strange.
He's a walking pharmacy.
Oh, what's this? Uh
[READING]
[CLICKS TONGUE] Aw!
[MAN ON SPEAKER] This is
the final boarding call
for the MalCon Forum on the moon!
[BRAKES SCREECH]
Shit!
That's like the most
expensive dildo I've ever seen.
[CHUCKLES] I hope the clouds
don't have a gag reflex.
[LAUGHING]
[MAN ON SPEAKER] For those of
you who think this is funny,
there's a scientific reason
it has to be shaped like this.
Uh, what's with the pubes, dude?
[MAN ON SPEAKER] Hey,
there. I can hear you.
The antennas have to be coarse and wiry
and on the balls I mean orbs.
So, let's get some quick pics
of me with the space dong.
[MAN ON SPEAKER] Have some respect.
- You are in a cathedral of science.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
[MAN ON SPEAKER] Get on the
fucking rocket, so I can blastoff.
[ROCKET RUMBLING]
[NORA] Ho, ho!
The sky is getting pregnant tonight.
[MAN ON SPEAKER] A rocket gets
sick if it can't release its steam.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
This is no way to treat an old friend.
I have to find a way to
fill my days, Mr. Mayor.
I wanted to steal a rocket ship,
but they're all on the moon.
I can't believe I didn't
get an invite to MalCon.
Last year I'm giving the keynote.
This year, those fickle,
fair-weather one-percenters
act like I don't even exist.
They're right. I'm only
ransacking you as a dry run
for my governor's mansion heist.
Grab those giant scissors!
Hey, I need those for a
car wash grand opening.
- Let this sicko go, you sickos.
- [MAN GRUNTING]
Oh, it's Bat Harley.
You've got two faces like me now, huh?
[GROANS] I like the old one better.
Oh! There's Ivy.
Have a great time. Whoo!
It was another rocket?
You may have two faces,
but I have two maces.
[GRUNTS] Wait! Where are my maces?
[GROANS] My shuriken, they're missing.
- Your what?
- They're throwing stars. Doesn't matter, help!
Uh, I know I packed my gel bombs.
Where's our stuff?
Ha! Send them my way. I'll handle it.
- [GRUNTS]
- [MAN YELLING]
[MEN GRUNTING]
- [TWO-FACE GROANS]
- [HARLEY GRUNTS]
Ooh, you've got that edge still.
You must really miss being evil, huh?
Stop projecting your own
shit on me, Mr. Mayor.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
[JON 1] Your calf pumps, sir.
Lex Luthor is an abstraction.
There is no real me for tax purposes.
Everything about me is artificial.
My jawline, my shell companies,
even all my lighting on the moon.
That's baby seal blood, by the way.
Very, very illegal on earth.
Your body has me literally reeling.
Superman wishes he had those cumgutters.
Ready for your peel?
- [RIPPING]
- Let's shed that dead skin, mama.
It's what snakes do to stay smooth.
- They do.
- It's true.
Uh, yeah. Mr. Luthor? Uh, sir, my
question was, who are these guys?
- I'm Jon.
- I'm also Jon.
- But there's no "h" in my name.
- Or in mine.
We're this chiseled Greek god's PR team.
What paper do you work for again?
- The Daily Planet.
- More like The Daily Superman.
Well, good for you.
Finally writing about something
other than that super-jacked,
certainly undocumented super-alien.
Um, so I've been on the moon for a week
watching this conference come together,
and I still don't know what you'll
be announcing at the keynote
Oh, well. Just forever changing
the nexus of science and
industry. No spoilers.
- [SLURPS]
- [WHOOSHING]
Exciting! That's so great. I can't wait!
Man. Wow. Is this coffee extra strong?
I I just I am jazzed. I am Whoo!
And one last question, uh,
about your mentee, Poison Ivy.
Pass. This is an interview about
Lex Luthor, not his protege.
I am happy to talk about Ivy.
It takes a lot of courage to
install someone like her as a CEO.
Not only is she a woman,
but a green woman.
Only a true forward thinker
could come up with that.
Someone so strong that he can
crack a walnut with his armpit.
- You care to see?
- Don't print any of that.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [NIGHTWING PANTING]
And what happened to our gear?
We looked like amateurs out there.
I thought I looked pretty good.
Ugh. Someone must have sabotaged us.
Uh, why is Mommy here?
[CAMERA FEED WARBLES]
Your mommy took our camera.
Unhand our stuff!
[NIGHTWING GROANS]
This has never been your stuff.
It's property of Wayne Enterprises,
which is teetering on a financial cliff.
So I'm liquidating all
nonessential assets.
We need our weapons to protect Gotham.
For far too long,
you coddled bat-babies
have relied on trivial gadgetry,
while you've let your
ultimate weapons grow soft.
- Your bodies.
- Nuh-uh. I have a rock hard six pack.
- [SMACKS]
- [GROANS] Mom.
Effective immediately,
you are no longer being
financed by Wayne Enterprises
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm off to the moon.
Oh, and here. Happy Birthday, son.
My birthday was five months ago.
Is this a rattle?
- [EXPLOSION RUMBLES]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
[ROCKET WHOOSHING]
Feels like she could've liquidated that.
[WOMAN ON SPEAKER] Welcome to MalCon
License plate, GR8-VLN,
please move your rocket.
It's about to be towed.
Oh, wow. Thank you.
I don't usually wear jewelry,
but I will make an excep
It's a lanyard for the conference.
[GASPS] Look.
Steppenwolf hasn't picked his up yet.
- Classic move.
- Mmm, intergalactic dom shit.
- Love him.
- Steppenwolf?
- He's a warlord, right?
- Oh, Ivy.
Sure he captains a ruthless
canine army on Apokolips,
but his true passion
is venture capitalism.
You probably think Tony
Soprano is just a mobster?
No. He made his real fortune
from owning the Bada Bing!
I mean, I actually see him more as like
a victim of Livia's toxic maternity.
- So are we meeting with Steppenwolf?
- [LAUGHING]
You don't get face time with
Steppenwolf at your first conference.
He only makes time for
the real innovators.
You can golf as drunk as you want
- and let lightning do the work.
- [GRUNTING]
Perfect swing every time.
Did you hear about this thing in Gotham
where someone replaced all the
male trees with female ones.
- Yeah, that was me.
- You see, male trees cause allergies,
because, unlike female trees,
they don't have fruit
to contain the toxins
created during photosynthesis.
- Right. That's why I
- I'll send you an article.
- Done and done.
- [NOTIFICATION DINGS]
Oh, man. So I I'm just seeing
that I'm not on any panels.
I just was excited to impress everyone
- with my cool answers to questions.
- [LAUGHING]
You're doing something way
more important than panels.
Oh, there I am. "45 second
intro to Lex Luthor"
Wait. What?
That 45 seconds is the hottest
time slot of the weekend.
You have to save your voice.
I'll have one of the
Jons get you some tea.
- [POISON IVY GROWLS]
- [SLURPS]
[ROBIN] Is this all we have?
[COMPUTER WARBLING]
- [ROBIN] Mmm.
- Ha! My life savings for the fam.
Nineteen bucks.
That won't even cover the
electricity for my air fryer.
Okay, we have $19,
and, ugh, a silver baby rattle.
We're screwed.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
No, I'm gonna have to go to school.
Where will I sit at lunch?
No one's going to school.
We just need to figure out a
way to generate some income.
I can sell locks of my hair.
Oh, wait, better idea.
Nightwing, that ass, live cam, baby.
Hey, my glutes are not for sale.
Ugh, selfish prick. I'll do it.
Okay? I used to rent out my feet
to rich women who needed
their shoes broken in.
I bet my profile is still active.
Okay, so not that,
but renting does give me an idea.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[WITH SWEDISH ACCENT]
Hello! This is CleggBnb?
Yes. Welcome. You must
be Amelie and Jonas.
- "Yonas."
- Yonas.
- Yonas.
- Yonas.
- Yo
- Please, please come in.
Uh, you'll find everything
you need in here.
The Wi-Fi password,
the history of the house
and, of course,
restaurant recommendations.
Hey, why don't you two lovebirds
go get settled in your room, huh?
Hey, Amelie. Look, at the door knobble.
- So beautskiful.
- Don't go in there.
- Okay?
- Or there.
- Or there.
- Okay, meanie man. Okay.
Hey, this is too risky.
What if they find out
who we actually are?
It's all gonna be worth it.
Between renting out
the place, couponing
I'm getting so many paper cuts.
I hate being a poor.
We have to buy back our gear.
Or we use the money
to keep the lights on
and I teach you to
fight without your gear.
I think Talia might be
right about you guys.
You're kind of useless soggy nut
sacks without your little gadgets.
How dare you [GRUNTS] Harley!
Okay, show us what you've got.
[GLASS SQUEAKING]
It started in a single toilet bowl
with a crust of a bologna sandwich.
And now White Collar Wine,
is the official beverage
of MalCon. [LAUGHING]
- [ALL APPLAUDING]
- Let's start with the Chablis.
The nose of green jello
pairs well with an aged gruyere
- and tax evasion.
- [SLURPS] Ooh, Penal Noir.
Wow, what's this feeling?
It's like my head is spinning
and my tummy is a-rumbly.
But I also feel happy.
None for you. Alcohol
dries out the vocal cords.
[POISON IVY GRUMBLES]
There's someone I'd
like to introduce you to.
She's a woman like you.
- Meet
- Hey! Love the tote.
- Right?
- You know each other.
God, you've been on the moon too long.
We already met at the Evil
Women in Business Luncheon.
- Women's luncheon?
- Lex, can we steal you?
There's an important
task that only a very
- swole alpha can attend to.
- [POISON IVY LAUGHS]
I'm sure your schedule is packed,
but I'd love to find time for us to get
a couple's massage.
These lanyards are killing
my neck and my vibe.
Actually, I wasn't placed on any panels.
So, if you're free
anytime, except 45 seconds
before Lex's keynote then, you know
Fucking Lex.
You're the hot new blood here.
Don't let that Ken doll
wannabe hold you back.
- So he is fucking with me.
- [PORTAL TRILLING]
[WOMAN GASPS]
[GROWLING]
- [PEOPLE HOWLING]
- Ah! Steppenwolf's here.
Such an attention whore!
- God love him.
- Gross.
[LEX] Steppenwolf, remember last year?
Wolf Pack. [GROWLS]
- [MAN SCREAMING]
- [WOLF GROWLS]
- Sit!
- [WOLF WHIMPERS]
- Repulsive.
- [SCOFFS] You know what?
[WOLF GRUMBLING]
I'm gonna get that face
time with Steppenwolf.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ELON MUSK GRUNTS]
- Uh [CHUCKLES]
So, hello. I would like
to field that question.
[ELON MUSK GRUNTS]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Hey, Zuckerberg, have fun
in the metaverse, dweeb.
[ZUCKERBERG SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[LAUGHING]
I just wanna say I'm really flattered
that you wanted to get java with me.
You're the woman of the hour.
I have unlimited resources.
You have unlimited ideas.
Let's collab
[COUGHS] Excuse me orate.
[BARBARA GRUNTING]
- [BARBARA YELLS]
- And
You're both dead.
Come on. You can do better than that.
What the heck?
That was dangerously
close to my nipples.
- [GRUNTS]
- Toughen up.
You think real villains are
above giving you a titty twister?
- Think again!
- [DICK GRAYSON GROANS]
I want my Bat stun gun.
If you want a weapon, look around.
Everything's a weapon.
Fine. What about my belt
that Amelie poked four extra holes in?
Horrible choice for fashion.
Great choice for weapon.
- [GRUNTS]
- [DICK] What about cheeseballs?
They were several on
the floor this morning.
I nearly broke my neck.
Those Euroscum are trying to kill me!
Okay, paranoid, I'm sure
it's just a Swedish tradition.
Be respectful.
Hello. Do you recommend any Thai food?
It's in the binder, Jonas!
"Yonas." Thanks, ya.
Okay, why are they cooking?
They just asked for Thai food recs.
[AMELIE MUFFLED] How
do I use the dishwashy?
- Ugh! [GRUNTS]
- [PHONE VIBRATES]
Ooh, ooh. Guess who's girlfriend's
making headlines on the moon?
Mine, probably. She's a dime.
"Move Over Sun: Poison Ivy
Makes the Moon Shine Bright.
Ten things Poison Ivy can't
live without on the moon."
[GASPS] I gotta call Ivy for the deets.
Ivy! Ivy, Ivy! I have some
- really exciting IP
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
- that would be perfect for you
- Hey, baby. What's up?
Um, G-friend, you are
killing it on the moon,
according to my feeds.
It's crazy. I went to the bathroom,
and someone tried to
reach into the stall
and tried to take my underwear.
Ooh, ooh. Okay, would it be cool
if I sold some of your undies
online on the dark Clegg?
We're down to canned beans over here,
and you know how sodium affects my skin.
Um, sure.
I mean, you got to give
the market what it wants,
and obviously I'm gonna
refute it publicly.
But I kind of like that the
people, like, want my underwear.
That's what's up, Miss Thang!
I am so glad you're enjoying yourself.
Maybe it's the toilet wine talking,
but I've been having so many ideas
and everyone, like,
thinks they're brilliant.
Of course they are brilliant.
God, you are so fucking hot.
I want it right now.
What are you wearing?
[CLEARS THROAT] I'm
wearing, like, a lanyard
with a bunch of maps
and QR codes. [COUGHS]
Yes! Well, call me when
you're in the bathtub.
I wanna hear more about
this fucking lanyard.
[SEXY MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOTH MOANING]
[MOANING CONTINUES]
- [WOMAN MOANING]
- [MAN GRUNTING]
The physical act of
sex is so pedestrian.
Surrogates are much more
efficient and less to clean up.
- [INTERCOM CLICKS]
- Flip him over and play with his ass.
[VIBRATING]
So what do you think of
the convention this year?
Every detail is my own design.
Including the sweatshirts.
Did you notice the thumbhole?
Smart move putting Ivy front and center.
She's a star.
Every panel she's been
on has been packed.
What? Ivy's not on any panels.
She's saving her voice for my keynote.
Or maybe next year you'll
be introducing her keynote.
You should have been
keeping an eye on her.
[SIGHS] I know what you're doing.
This is a sex thing.
You get off on weak men.
[TALIA GIGGLES]
[SIGHS] What happened to the cape?
- Gives me a wedgie.
- I said,
the cape stays on until you finish.
You know what? I'm not
in the mood anymore.
- Forget it.
- [TALIA SIGHS]
That was great.
[MOANING CONTINUES]
[JOKER CHUCKLES AND GRUMBLES]
[JOKER] Ha! Huh! [LAUGHS]
Lex is so fucking thirsty.
Uh, are you even listening?
Oh, did my briefly glancing at my phone
imply this was the most boring meeting
about cutting grass I've ever been to?
Because I'm riveted.
Please continue.
Okay.
I was saying normally
we use a 6 mm blade,
but due to the lack of rain,
it's all basically kindling.
So, we're gonna have
to run out and buy
[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
[DICK HUMMING]
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
Oh, where's that draft coming from?
[GRUNTS] That's it!
It's time to pack your
bags, you Euro pervs.
I told you we couldn't
trust Amelie and Yonas.
[JONAS] Beautskiful pronunciation.
[DICK GROANS]
[EMCEE] And again, the hotline is open
for any tips on the Zuck's whereabouts.
- Let's get #wheresMark trending!
- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
- [PUMPING]
- Uh, what's that sound?
I'm pumping my calves.
Yeah, but you're
wearing [CLEARS THROAT]
You're wearing [GRUNTS]
You're wearing pants.
You think you can hide
chicken calves behind pants?
Ugh, women don't understand
the pressures put on men's bodies.
- [POISON IVY CLEARS THROAT]
- What is going on with your voice?
And now your keynote
speaker, Mr. Lex Luthor,
with an introduction by the
incredible, the incomparable,
- the absolutely insidious
- Oh!
[EMCEE] Poison Ivy!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
You have been speaking on panels.
Why'd I think I could rely on you?
Did you even do the throat
douche the Jons gave you?
Don't respond. You'll just
strain your voice more.
I mean, Lex, you really thought that
I'd spend all my time on the moon,
like, douching my throat
[COUGHS] waiting to talk about you?
So yeah, I did panels.
Okay, I did all the panels.
- [COUGHING]
- Never send a woman to do a man's job.
Good evening, evil colleagues.
What an amazing time to
be a woman in villainy.
I'm humbled
to be the LOD's first
CEO with a labia
Just keep scrolling. Get to me.
It's an honor for you to watch
me announce my new initiative
using the latest LexCorp technology,
developed right here on the moon.
I devised a plan to
thicken the ozone layer,
reverse global warming,
and save the earth.
The Earth Saver by Lex can
beam new ozone particles
into the atmosphere literally whenever.
And, if I keep saving the earth,
- we can keep destroying it.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I'll now open it up for questions.
Sounds like socially conscious evil.
- Did Lex steal your idea, Ivy?
- This has nothing to do with her.
Ivy, you said in an earlier panel,
I'm quoting, "I love bread."
Can you expound on that?
[REPORTER] Poison Ivy, over here!
How do you come up
with all your cool plans?
And also, how is your hair so shiny?
Would you have been mean
to me in middle school?
It's fine if the answer is yes.
[PUMPING]
Ivy, I'd love you for our cover.
C Could you pose for the camera?
- That's my cover.
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
[FEMALE REPORTER] Is it true you're
collaborating with Steppenwolf?
- [BURSTS]
- [LEX YELLS]
- [ALL GASPING]
- [LEX GRUNTS]
You're working with Steppenwolf?
Oh, you know what?
Honestly, it's casual.
He did offer to bankroll
whatever I want to do next.
I'd go into more detail, but,
you know, I'm saving my voice.
[YELLS] That's enough.
- Everybody get off my moon.
- [ALARM BLARING]
[ALIEN SCREAMING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[AMELIE GRUNTING]
I thought they'd have more stuff.
- [GRUNTS]
- Some people must have already take everything.
Honeys, I'm home!
I made bank on the first
batch of Ivy's thongs.
They're robbing us?
God damn it! Time to
take out the Euro trash.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [JONAS GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS] Oh, God. You
sneaky motherfucker.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SNIFFS AND SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
How are you still standing?
It's the drugs.
They've permanent turned off
the pain receptors in my brains.
[HARLEY GROANS]
- [SCREAMS]
- [ROCKETS WHOOSHING]
[AUTOMATED VOICE] Oxygen
levels are at ten percent.
- Please evacuate immediately.
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
Please note that the
number of escape pods
is lower than the number
of convention attendees.
Thank you for attending
this year's MalCon.
Brought to you by LexCorp.
Fear not, evil business leaders.
I'll save you. Oh, corn nuts.
Luthor's lined this place with
trace amounts of Kryptonite.
That explains a lot, actually.
- [WOLF GROWLING]
- [STEPPENWOLF] Want a ride?
I have to stop on Earth to
pick up my lover, Scruffy.
Scruffy Adelstein,
my Moroccan, fashion model
boyfriend, and notorious good boy.
You know what? I got
a date with a blonde
in a chastity belt,
but I could stop by Casablanca first.
- [PORTAL TRILLING]
- Effortlessly draining that bottle, sir.
[JON 2] Three cheers
for our chaotic king!
Nice. And they say women
are too emotional. [SCOFFS]
- [BOTTLE SHATTERS]
- [LEX GRUNTS] Shit!
[HARLEY GRUNTING]
Damn you and your drug-enhanced
ability to take hits.
Ha! Eat chastity belt!
Saved by my everlasting
devotion to my lunar lover!
- [AMELIE GRUNTS]
- [HARLEY GROANS]
[GRUNTS] Hey, how about I
give you a free night? Eh?
Or a partial refund!
- [BELT LASHES]
- [AMELIE YELLS AND GROANS]
[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Get ready to check out, pal.
What? But the binder
says checkout is noon.
[ALL GRUNTING]
[JONAS GROANS]
Aw, look at us.
We're the Bat-Bat family now.
Oh, God, I just love bonding.
[JONAS GROANS]
[GASPS] Oh, hey. Guess what?
I was able to sell enough
of Ivy's squirrel covers
that we can get new
security cameras, right?
So no one can steal from us,
or cut the butts out of
our towels ever again.
Although, it's a good look for you,
like twin, honey ham, glory holes.
Mmm.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[ENGINE TURNING OVER]
[GROUNDSKEEPER GRUNTING]
[JOKER CACKLING]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
[DAMIAN] Ah! These paper cuts.
My dumb, bandage-fingers don't work.
- I'm going to bed.
- Same.
I have a headache from
Jonas's gas station body spray,
[DOOR CREAKING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]