Hey Arnold! (1996) s04e04 Episode Script
The Beeper Queen/Oskar Can't Read?
1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
MIRIAM: (GRUNTS)
Almost got it.
Another little inch.
Oh sugar!
(SIGHS) Now it rolled
all the way into the back.
Honey, could you give me
a hand up here?
No, Miriam, I can't.
I'm busy making my lunch.
Why, Helga?
It's not lunchtime.
It's tomorrow's lunch, Miriam.
And if I don't make it,
no one else is gonna
make it for me.
Oh (GROANS)
Criminy! What the heck
is wrong with you?
Can't you do
anything right?
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Hey, hey, what's
all the racket in here?
Miriam was trying
to get her tabasco
and she knocked
a shelf down. Again.
Oh, cripes, Miriam.
How many times
have I told you not
to put it up so darn high?
Now move aside, and
let a man show you
how it's done.
(BONES CRACK)
(SCREAMS) My back!
B, are you okay?
Do you want me
to call a doctor, Dad?
No way.
We Patakis are fast healers.
I'll be good as new
in a week or two.
A week or two.
Are you kidding, Dad?
You can't stay home
that long. You've got
a beeper empire to run.
Relax, kid, I can run
the beeper empire right
from the old couch here.
I mean, it's not like
I've got any big meetings
coming up or anything.
Oh, criminy,
I totally forgot!
Bubniak and Krapowski
are flying in from Buffalo
to close a major deal.
Oh, it's too late to cancel.
I'm gonna have to get
someone to take my place.
Helga, what are you
doing tomorrow?
I've got school, Dad.
Right, right,
come on, Bob, think.
Who could you send?
Well, I'm free tomorrow, B.
You (CHUCKLES)
go to the meeting?
That has got to be
the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.
The girl is right, Miriam.
I mean, these guys
are heavy-hitters.
They're sharks.
They'd eat you alive!
Now, listen you two.
I think that
you ought to give me
a little more credit
because because
I can do this.
I can take a meeting
as good as the next guy.
Forget it, Miriam.
It ain't gonna happen.
Besides, my back's starting
to feel better already.
(BONES CRACK)
(SCREAMS) Mother scratcher!
All right, Miriam. You win.
You can go to the meeting.
You better not screw this up.
You just get them
to sign the papers,
then it's straight home.
Got it?
Of course, B.
Straight home.
Now where the heck
could she be?
That meeting should've
ended hours ago.
Don't look at me.
I told you it was
a dumb idea to let her go.
(DOOR OPENS)
B, Helga, I'm home.
Finally, Miriam.
Now get your patoot in here
and tell me what happened
before I explode.
Well, let's see.
First we shared
a nice lunch
of pizza and wings.
And then we went
to the Pastry Palace
for coffee and
Oh, those yummy little
donut hole thingies
that I love so
Faster, Miriam.
Ah.
Uh, right, okay,
then, I guess
Jim and Hank signed
the papers and tripled
their order of beepers.
Wasn't that sweet of them?
Tripled their order?
You didn't lower
the price, did you?
Of course not, B.
I just explained to them
the benefit of buying in bulk.
Wow, Mom, that's
that's incredible.
I know. And it's
not even the best part.
It's not?
Uh-uh.
The guys decided
to stay in town an extra day
to look at our selection
of cell phones.
I'm meeting them
at the store tomorrow.
That's great, Mom.
Yeah, that's great.
Helga, get over here
and scratch my foot,
would you?
Morning, everybody!
Miriam? What in the heck
happened to you?
Nothing happened, B.
I just wanted to look
more professional.
You know, for my meeting
with the Buffalo guys.
But, but
Come on, honey. I'll give you
a lift to school.
Uh, Miriam.
Wait a minute. Miriam.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
How bad could she
mess things up anyway?
(EXCLAIMS) Look at this.
Talk shows and soap operas
on every stinking channel.
(SCOFFS) Be a cold day
in Havana before I watch
any of this junk.
Bye. Thanks for the ride.
Hey, Helga.
Was that your mom?
As a matter of fact,
Arnold-o, it was.
When did she
get her license back?
Well, technically, she hasn't.
But she has to get to work.
See, she's filling in
for my dad
at the beeper emporium,
and she wanted
to give me a lift to school.
Pretty boss, huh?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PHONE RINGS)
Ah!
Big Bob's Beepers.
No, Bob isn't here.
But I would be
happy to help you.
Wow, Helga.
That's quite a spread.
All the food groups
are well represented.
Yeah, can you believe
Miriam made it?
Hey, Dad,
is Miriam home yet?
No, Colden,
don't kiss her.
She's Meg's
identical twin sister.
Never mind. Mom?
You home? Mom?
Oh, you kissed her!
Now the wedding
will be completely ruined.
Hey, there, little lady.
Hey, Mom. What's going on?
How was work today?
Oh, honey, it was incredible.
You should've seen me.
I was answering phones,
I was doing paperwork,
I even sold some cell phones
to Jim and Hank.
I swear, Helga,
being at the office
makes me feel like
a whole new person.
You know? In fact,
I have decided to go back
each and every day.
Sounds great.
Oh, it is, honey.
It's just wonderful.
I'm telling you
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(SIGHS)
I haven't been
this happy in years.
Then I guess I better
go do by homework
and let you get back to it.
(EXCLAIMS)
Wait, Helga.
Why don't you
just do your homework
in here with me?
Okay, I'll go get my stuff.
Okay.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
I was thinking
something flashy, you know?
With lots of singing
and dancing and
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, hold on a second.
Miriam here, well
Mom
You wanna return them?
(GASPS) Oh, I'm sorry,
you signed a
non-refundable contract.
So I'm afraid
what you're asking is really
just out of the question.
Well, all righty then,
that's up to you.
I'll see you in court.
Okay, bye-bye.
Now where were we?
Oh, yeah,
the commercial, right.
Hey, Mom,
I'm ready to go.
(SNORING)
Bob.
Do you know
where Miriam is?
She's supposed
to drive me to school
and she's not home.
Bob!
Come on, Meg.
Put the knife down.
(MUMBLES)
Ooh, Mother cut the crust off,
precisely how I like it.
What's wrong, Helga?
Oh, gosh. Did your mom
forget to pack your lunch?
Yeah, I guess she did.
(SIGHS)
Is Miriam there?
No, that's okay,
I don't need to hold.
(SNORING)
Hey Helga.
Are you okay?
Huh?
Well, you seem
kind of distracted.
Plus your ice cream
is melting all over your hand.
Yeah, well, uh,
I was thinking.
Thinking about what?
About nothing that's any
of your beeswax, Arnold-o.
Fine.
All right,
if you have to know.
I'm trying to figure out how
I'm gonna tell Miriam that
even though she loves working
and even though
she's really great at it,
and even though
she's never been happier
in her whole entire life,
that I need her
to give all that up
and come back home.
I mean, all she does is work.
All she cares about is work.
She's gone off the deep end,
for cripes' sakes.
Everything was
fine for a while
but now things
are worse than ever.
Well, why don't you
tell her exactly
what you just told me?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Beepers
Beepers
Beepers
Beepers
Beepers
are a girl's
best
(BEEPERS BEEPING)
Whoops, somebody beeped me.
friend ♪
And cut!
Okay, Larry, I need
an icky on the dancers.
Mom.
Helga! What on Earth
are you doing here?
I need you for a minute, Mom.
I mean,
I need to talk to you.
You need me
for a minute, Mom.
Well, listen,
I am sorry, Helga,
but this, this is just
not a good time.
I mean, we're gonna be
back on in five minutes
and they need me.
So, whatever it is,
it's just gonna have to wait
until later, okay? So
Go on, bye-bye.
Go do your homework
or something.
All right, Tom, listen,
you wanna play me back
that last take?
HELGA ON TAPE:
I need you for a minute, Mom.
I mean,
I need to talk to you.
You need me
for a minute, Mom.
Well, listen,
I am sorry, Helga,
but this, this is just
not a good time.
I mean, we're gonna be
back on in five minutes
and they need me.
So, whatever it is,
it's just gonna have to wait
until later, okay? So
Go on, bye-bye.
Go do your homework
or something.
Helga, sweetie?
Mom?
What are you doing here?
Oh, I need
to talk to you, dear.
But what about
your commercial?
Don't they need you?
It's not important.
It's not?
No, Helga, in fact,
the only thing
that is important to me,
honey, is you.
Really?
Yes, Helga.
I realize I have been
so preoccupied at work
that I haven't
had time for you and so
I've decided to quit
and come back home.
Mom, you love work.
You love being in charge
and independent.
You can't just give
all that up just like that.
Oh, yes, I can,
little lady.
And do you know why?
Because I've got
the rest of my life
to go back to work.
I mean, I can be in charge
and independent any old time.
But I've only got right now
to be a better mom.
And that is what
I'm gonna do.
After all, you won't be
eight forever, you know.
I'm nine, Mom.
(GASPS) You're nine.
Well, see, now,
that's exactly my point.
So what do you say, dear?
Can we go home
and give it another shot?
BIG BOB: All right,
Miriam, you win.
I'll go back to work.
But I'm warning you,
I don't think my back's
completely healed yet.
Trust me, B.
A day off the couch will
do you a world of good.
Ah, fine. But don't you
dare forget to tape
Physician's Hospital.
Today is Colden
and Meg's wedding.
Relax, B. I've already
programmed the VCR.
Now, don't forget
about your 4:00 meeting.
And be careful.
Those guys are sharks!
(OSKAR HUMMING)
Oskar, for the love of Pete,
will you stop that humming?
What humming?
We cannot eat
with the humming.
He can't help it.
That's just the way he eats.
Hey, Kokoshka,
pass the salt
over here, would you?
That's the pepper,
Mr. Kokoshka.
Sorry, I'm so tired
I can barely see straight.
Oh, marone! What a dimwit!
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
Oh, great, it's my
new X-ray glasses
so I can see through
people's clothes. (LAUGHS)
Please sign your name
on line one.
Could you
spell that for me?
No, I'm busy.
It's written right there.
(SNIFFLES)
Hey, Oskar, read me
the rest of the recipe,
would you?
Oh, I can't help right now
because my eyes are too teary
from those onions.
You're nowhere
near the onions.
What's the matter,
can't you read?
Oh, he left.
(GRUNTS) Arnold,
could you help me
with this container?
I have a terrible headache.
But Mr. Kokoshka,
that's not aspirin.
Of course, it is,
it says it right here.
It says, "Tablet
for scum-free
fish bowl water."
See?
Oh, right, right I knew that.
But they also
cure my headaches.
It's a headache
from eating too much fish.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Mr. Kokoshka,
you don't know
how to read, do you?
What are you talking about?
That's crazy.
Of course, I know how to read.
I can read just
like anybody else.
I can
Okay, so it's true.
I never learned
how to read.
Big deal.
That's okay,
you can still learn.
Eh, what for? I didn't need
to read to become
the successful man I am today.
But you are a paperboy.
What's your point?
If you learn to read,
you could do
anything you wanted.
And you wouldn't have
to make excuses when people
asked you to pass the salt.
Nah, forget it.
It's not important to me.
Of course, we can
keep this little secret
between us, okay?
There's no reason
for anybody else to know
that Oskar can't read.
Oskar can't read.
(LAUGHS)
It's unbelievable.
Who says I can't read?
You did just now, Kokoshka.
You're probably just
too dumb to learn. (LAUGHS)
I am not too dumb.
I could learn to read
just like that if I wanted to.
Oh, is that so?
Well, I'll bet you 20 bucks
you can't learn to read
by the end of the month.
And I will bet you 50 bucks.
Okay, it's a bet.
50 bucks, huh,
Mr. Highroller? Whoa.
Hey, little buddy,
I was just wondering
If I could help you
learn to read?
I'd be happy to.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, C, K, N, 2, B ♪
I'm reading, huh?
(LAUGHS)
Jelly Bean. Violin.
Coconut.
I got these
worksheets from school.
If you do them every night,
you'll be reading in no time.
But you have
to work real hard.
No problem.
Hi, sweetie,
how is the reading going?
Oh, Suzie, you won't
believe what happened.
I wrote my whole worksheet,
everything perfect.
And then it blew out
the window because
you left the fan on again.
Oh, I'm sorry, Oskar,
I'll try to be more careful.
I guess you'll just have to do
the worksheet over again.
Yeah, I could,
except my hand is so cramped
from all the writing I did.
Could you do it for me?
Wow, this looks great.
Yeah, I'm working
really hard.
I think I'm almost ready
to show Ernie and Mr. Hyunh
that I learned to read.
I'm going to read them
the first page of this book.
And then I win the bet.
A Tale of Two Cities?
Are you sure?
Oh, yeah,
it's no problem.
I can read it easy.
Hey, you, little kid.
How would you like
to do me a favor?
I need someone
to read me the first page
of this book
again and again
until I can memorize it.
What's in it for me?
"It was the best
of times, (MUNCHES)
it was the worst of times."
"It was the best
of times, it was
the worst of times."
"It was the age of wisdom."
"It was the age
of foolishness,
"it was the season of light,
"it was the season
of darkness,
"it was the spring of hope
"it was the winter
of despair.
"We had everything before us,
"we had nothing before us."
(LAUGHS)
You did it, Mr. Kokoshka.
Oh, Oskar,
I'm so proud of you.
Well, now
I've seen everything.
So, Ernie and Mr. Highroller,
I think you owe me
some money.
I can't believe it!
Oskar learned to read.
Yeah, before we
start exchanging money
if you don't mind, Kokoshka,
and I hope this isn't
an imposition or anything,
I mean, now that you're
a professional reader and all,
let me hear you read it
one more time.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
"It was the best
of times, it was
the worst of times."
I thought so.
You can't read at all.
What are you talking about?
I switched the books, you bum.
You memorized the "best
of times, worst of times"
stuff, didn't you, didn't you?
Did you, Oskar?
Well well, maybe
I did, but that
Oh, Oskar!
You were cheating
the whole time, weren't you?
You just did it
for the money.
He'll never learn.
The man is a loser.
BOY:
Mister, hey, mister?
I can't read these directions,
can you read them for me?
No, I
I can't right now.
I am sorry.
You can't?
But, mister, why not?
Can't you read,
can't you read, mister?
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
ARNOLD: You were cheating
the whole time, weren't you?
ERNIE:
He'll never learn.
The man is a loser.
BOY:
Can't you read, mister
can't you read? (ECHOES)
OSKAR:
I want to read.
Mr. Kokoshka,
you said that before,
but you didn't mean it.
That was before,
now I want to read.
(SIGHS) I don't know,
Mr. Kokoshka.
I don't think
If I learn to read,
then when somebody asks me
to pass the salt shaker,
I won't have to make excuses.
I can tell Grandpa
what comes in the recipe
after the onions.
And I can help
a lost little boy
find his way home.
I want to read, Arnold,
please help me.
(INAUDIBLE)
But what about my lessons?
I want to read more.
I told you,
I have to go to school.
There's thousands of books
in there. Just go in
and start reading.
Oh, but, Arnold,
those books are too hard.
(GROANS)
Hypo Hypo cha
Ah! I can't read these books.
They're too hard.
TEACHER:
Our next book
is called Pet the Kitty.
Doesn't that sound
like a fun book?
Who wants to read
Pet the Kitty?
"Kitty, kitty, kitty,
"do you want
to pet the kitty?"
(READING)
"Pet, pet, pet."
(LAUGHS) Look, everybody,
I'm petting the kitty!
That's very
good reading, Oskar.
Now, Jamie, would you
like to pick a book to read?
But I want to read more.
I want to read
the Big Train book.
Give it to me.
No, it's mine.
I want to read.
I hate you.
Give it back.
Now, no fighting, children,
we have to share.
ARNOLD:
Okay, Mr. Kokoshka.
This is your final test.
I'm taking you to the
other side of the city.
To a neighborhood
you don't know.
Then I'll give you a map
and written directions
showing you how to get back
to the boarding house.
And all you have to do
is read the directions
and follow the map
to find your way home.
If you can do that,
that means you pass.
It means you can read.
You can do it, Mr. Kokoshka.
I'll see you back
at the boarding house.
But wait, what if I
Good luck.
Eh
First take MaMaple
StStreet east.
Okay, Ma
Maple Street east.
Okay.
Turn left on Ma
Madison Avenue.
Madison Avenue. Okay.
This is great.
I'll be home in no time.
(CAR SCREECHES)
(HORNS HONKING)
(ALL SHOUTING)
He can't read.
He can read.
And he is gonna
find his way home.
Trust me, we'll get
a phone call at 2:00
in the morning,
"I am lost, I am cold
and scared, come get me."
Take the subsubway
to She
Sha Sheffing
Sheffingtown.
Sheffingtown.
Okay.
(SIRENS IN THE DISTANCE)
(CAT MEOWS)
(CHATTER AND CLANGING)
(READING)
Okay, so that's not good.
(SIGHS) I must have
made a mistake.
Sheffingtown.
Maybe Ernie
and Mr. Hyunh were right.
Maybe I am just
a big loser who can't read
and who hums when he eats.
(CAT PURRS)
Hello, what
are you doing here?
Are you lost like me?
Kitty, kitty, kitty.
The kitty is so soft
and pretty.
Do you want to pet the kitty?
Yes, I want to pet the kitty.
Just like the book I can read.
Just like the book I can read!
If I can read Pet the Kitty,
I can read the
street signs, right?
Come on, let's go home.
(CLOCK DINGS)
That's it.
I'm calling the police.
Look!
Oskar?
I can read.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, Oskar,
I'm so proud of you.
Nice going, Oskar.
OSKAR: It's so beautiful.
MR. HYUNH: Oskar
learned to read.
GRANDPA: Well, now
I've seen everything,
except for a really good
low-calorie soft drink.
OSKAR:
See the pretty kitty.
Pet the pretty kitty.
See, pet the kitty
ERNIE: Right, will you shut up
with the pretty pet I'm
gonna make you eat the kitty.
I'm trying to sleep!
OSKAR: Pretty kitty, kitty.
GRANDPA: Quiet,
I'm trying to sleep.
Do you want to pet the kitty?
I've already heard that story.
Yes, I want to pet the kitty.
GRANDPA: Here,
I'll give you my muzzle.
Don't put it on me.
OSKAR: Pet, pet, pet
SUZIE: Go to bed.
Oskar, stop reading.
Now, I am petting the kitty.
GRANDPA: you read that
HYUNH: Quiet! Quiet. Shut up!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
SUZIE:
Oskar, close the book.
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
MIRIAM: (GRUNTS)
Almost got it.
Another little inch.
Oh sugar!
(SIGHS) Now it rolled
all the way into the back.
Honey, could you give me
a hand up here?
No, Miriam, I can't.
I'm busy making my lunch.
Why, Helga?
It's not lunchtime.
It's tomorrow's lunch, Miriam.
And if I don't make it,
no one else is gonna
make it for me.
Oh (GROANS)
Criminy! What the heck
is wrong with you?
Can't you do
anything right?
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Hey, hey, what's
all the racket in here?
Miriam was trying
to get her tabasco
and she knocked
a shelf down. Again.
Oh, cripes, Miriam.
How many times
have I told you not
to put it up so darn high?
Now move aside, and
let a man show you
how it's done.
(BONES CRACK)
(SCREAMS) My back!
B, are you okay?
Do you want me
to call a doctor, Dad?
No way.
We Patakis are fast healers.
I'll be good as new
in a week or two.
A week or two.
Are you kidding, Dad?
You can't stay home
that long. You've got
a beeper empire to run.
Relax, kid, I can run
the beeper empire right
from the old couch here.
I mean, it's not like
I've got any big meetings
coming up or anything.
Oh, criminy,
I totally forgot!
Bubniak and Krapowski
are flying in from Buffalo
to close a major deal.
Oh, it's too late to cancel.
I'm gonna have to get
someone to take my place.
Helga, what are you
doing tomorrow?
I've got school, Dad.
Right, right,
come on, Bob, think.
Who could you send?
Well, I'm free tomorrow, B.
You (CHUCKLES)
go to the meeting?
That has got to be
the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.
The girl is right, Miriam.
I mean, these guys
are heavy-hitters.
They're sharks.
They'd eat you alive!
Now, listen you two.
I think that
you ought to give me
a little more credit
because because
I can do this.
I can take a meeting
as good as the next guy.
Forget it, Miriam.
It ain't gonna happen.
Besides, my back's starting
to feel better already.
(BONES CRACK)
(SCREAMS) Mother scratcher!
All right, Miriam. You win.
You can go to the meeting.
You better not screw this up.
You just get them
to sign the papers,
then it's straight home.
Got it?
Of course, B.
Straight home.
Now where the heck
could she be?
That meeting should've
ended hours ago.
Don't look at me.
I told you it was
a dumb idea to let her go.
(DOOR OPENS)
B, Helga, I'm home.
Finally, Miriam.
Now get your patoot in here
and tell me what happened
before I explode.
Well, let's see.
First we shared
a nice lunch
of pizza and wings.
And then we went
to the Pastry Palace
for coffee and
Oh, those yummy little
donut hole thingies
that I love so
Faster, Miriam.
Ah.
Uh, right, okay,
then, I guess
Jim and Hank signed
the papers and tripled
their order of beepers.
Wasn't that sweet of them?
Tripled their order?
You didn't lower
the price, did you?
Of course not, B.
I just explained to them
the benefit of buying in bulk.
Wow, Mom, that's
that's incredible.
I know. And it's
not even the best part.
It's not?
Uh-uh.
The guys decided
to stay in town an extra day
to look at our selection
of cell phones.
I'm meeting them
at the store tomorrow.
That's great, Mom.
Yeah, that's great.
Helga, get over here
and scratch my foot,
would you?
Morning, everybody!
Miriam? What in the heck
happened to you?
Nothing happened, B.
I just wanted to look
more professional.
You know, for my meeting
with the Buffalo guys.
But, but
Come on, honey. I'll give you
a lift to school.
Uh, Miriam.
Wait a minute. Miriam.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
How bad could she
mess things up anyway?
(EXCLAIMS) Look at this.
Talk shows and soap operas
on every stinking channel.
(SCOFFS) Be a cold day
in Havana before I watch
any of this junk.
Bye. Thanks for the ride.
Hey, Helga.
Was that your mom?
As a matter of fact,
Arnold-o, it was.
When did she
get her license back?
Well, technically, she hasn't.
But she has to get to work.
See, she's filling in
for my dad
at the beeper emporium,
and she wanted
to give me a lift to school.
Pretty boss, huh?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PHONE RINGS)
Ah!
Big Bob's Beepers.
No, Bob isn't here.
But I would be
happy to help you.
Wow, Helga.
That's quite a spread.
All the food groups
are well represented.
Yeah, can you believe
Miriam made it?
Hey, Dad,
is Miriam home yet?
No, Colden,
don't kiss her.
She's Meg's
identical twin sister.
Never mind. Mom?
You home? Mom?
Oh, you kissed her!
Now the wedding
will be completely ruined.
Hey, there, little lady.
Hey, Mom. What's going on?
How was work today?
Oh, honey, it was incredible.
You should've seen me.
I was answering phones,
I was doing paperwork,
I even sold some cell phones
to Jim and Hank.
I swear, Helga,
being at the office
makes me feel like
a whole new person.
You know? In fact,
I have decided to go back
each and every day.
Sounds great.
Oh, it is, honey.
It's just wonderful.
I'm telling you
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(SIGHS)
I haven't been
this happy in years.
Then I guess I better
go do by homework
and let you get back to it.
(EXCLAIMS)
Wait, Helga.
Why don't you
just do your homework
in here with me?
Okay, I'll go get my stuff.
Okay.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
I was thinking
something flashy, you know?
With lots of singing
and dancing and
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, hold on a second.
Miriam here, well
Mom
You wanna return them?
(GASPS) Oh, I'm sorry,
you signed a
non-refundable contract.
So I'm afraid
what you're asking is really
just out of the question.
Well, all righty then,
that's up to you.
I'll see you in court.
Okay, bye-bye.
Now where were we?
Oh, yeah,
the commercial, right.
Hey, Mom,
I'm ready to go.
(SNORING)
Bob.
Do you know
where Miriam is?
She's supposed
to drive me to school
and she's not home.
Bob!
Come on, Meg.
Put the knife down.
(MUMBLES)
Ooh, Mother cut the crust off,
precisely how I like it.
What's wrong, Helga?
Oh, gosh. Did your mom
forget to pack your lunch?
Yeah, I guess she did.
(SIGHS)
Is Miriam there?
No, that's okay,
I don't need to hold.
(SNORING)
Hey Helga.
Are you okay?
Huh?
Well, you seem
kind of distracted.
Plus your ice cream
is melting all over your hand.
Yeah, well, uh,
I was thinking.
Thinking about what?
About nothing that's any
of your beeswax, Arnold-o.
Fine.
All right,
if you have to know.
I'm trying to figure out how
I'm gonna tell Miriam that
even though she loves working
and even though
she's really great at it,
and even though
she's never been happier
in her whole entire life,
that I need her
to give all that up
and come back home.
I mean, all she does is work.
All she cares about is work.
She's gone off the deep end,
for cripes' sakes.
Everything was
fine for a while
but now things
are worse than ever.
Well, why don't you
tell her exactly
what you just told me?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Beepers
Beepers
Beepers
Beepers
Beepers
are a girl's
best
(BEEPERS BEEPING)
Whoops, somebody beeped me.
friend ♪
And cut!
Okay, Larry, I need
an icky on the dancers.
Mom.
Helga! What on Earth
are you doing here?
I need you for a minute, Mom.
I mean,
I need to talk to you.
You need me
for a minute, Mom.
Well, listen,
I am sorry, Helga,
but this, this is just
not a good time.
I mean, we're gonna be
back on in five minutes
and they need me.
So, whatever it is,
it's just gonna have to wait
until later, okay? So
Go on, bye-bye.
Go do your homework
or something.
All right, Tom, listen,
you wanna play me back
that last take?
HELGA ON TAPE:
I need you for a minute, Mom.
I mean,
I need to talk to you.
You need me
for a minute, Mom.
Well, listen,
I am sorry, Helga,
but this, this is just
not a good time.
I mean, we're gonna be
back on in five minutes
and they need me.
So, whatever it is,
it's just gonna have to wait
until later, okay? So
Go on, bye-bye.
Go do your homework
or something.
Helga, sweetie?
Mom?
What are you doing here?
Oh, I need
to talk to you, dear.
But what about
your commercial?
Don't they need you?
It's not important.
It's not?
No, Helga, in fact,
the only thing
that is important to me,
honey, is you.
Really?
Yes, Helga.
I realize I have been
so preoccupied at work
that I haven't
had time for you and so
I've decided to quit
and come back home.
Mom, you love work.
You love being in charge
and independent.
You can't just give
all that up just like that.
Oh, yes, I can,
little lady.
And do you know why?
Because I've got
the rest of my life
to go back to work.
I mean, I can be in charge
and independent any old time.
But I've only got right now
to be a better mom.
And that is what
I'm gonna do.
After all, you won't be
eight forever, you know.
I'm nine, Mom.
(GASPS) You're nine.
Well, see, now,
that's exactly my point.
So what do you say, dear?
Can we go home
and give it another shot?
BIG BOB: All right,
Miriam, you win.
I'll go back to work.
But I'm warning you,
I don't think my back's
completely healed yet.
Trust me, B.
A day off the couch will
do you a world of good.
Ah, fine. But don't you
dare forget to tape
Physician's Hospital.
Today is Colden
and Meg's wedding.
Relax, B. I've already
programmed the VCR.
Now, don't forget
about your 4:00 meeting.
And be careful.
Those guys are sharks!
(OSKAR HUMMING)
Oskar, for the love of Pete,
will you stop that humming?
What humming?
We cannot eat
with the humming.
He can't help it.
That's just the way he eats.
Hey, Kokoshka,
pass the salt
over here, would you?
That's the pepper,
Mr. Kokoshka.
Sorry, I'm so tired
I can barely see straight.
Oh, marone! What a dimwit!
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
Oh, great, it's my
new X-ray glasses
so I can see through
people's clothes. (LAUGHS)
Please sign your name
on line one.
Could you
spell that for me?
No, I'm busy.
It's written right there.
(SNIFFLES)
Hey, Oskar, read me
the rest of the recipe,
would you?
Oh, I can't help right now
because my eyes are too teary
from those onions.
You're nowhere
near the onions.
What's the matter,
can't you read?
Oh, he left.
(GRUNTS) Arnold,
could you help me
with this container?
I have a terrible headache.
But Mr. Kokoshka,
that's not aspirin.
Of course, it is,
it says it right here.
It says, "Tablet
for scum-free
fish bowl water."
See?
Oh, right, right I knew that.
But they also
cure my headaches.
It's a headache
from eating too much fish.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Mr. Kokoshka,
you don't know
how to read, do you?
What are you talking about?
That's crazy.
Of course, I know how to read.
I can read just
like anybody else.
I can
Okay, so it's true.
I never learned
how to read.
Big deal.
That's okay,
you can still learn.
Eh, what for? I didn't need
to read to become
the successful man I am today.
But you are a paperboy.
What's your point?
If you learn to read,
you could do
anything you wanted.
And you wouldn't have
to make excuses when people
asked you to pass the salt.
Nah, forget it.
It's not important to me.
Of course, we can
keep this little secret
between us, okay?
There's no reason
for anybody else to know
that Oskar can't read.
Oskar can't read.
(LAUGHS)
It's unbelievable.
Who says I can't read?
You did just now, Kokoshka.
You're probably just
too dumb to learn. (LAUGHS)
I am not too dumb.
I could learn to read
just like that if I wanted to.
Oh, is that so?
Well, I'll bet you 20 bucks
you can't learn to read
by the end of the month.
And I will bet you 50 bucks.
Okay, it's a bet.
50 bucks, huh,
Mr. Highroller? Whoa.
Hey, little buddy,
I was just wondering
If I could help you
learn to read?
I'd be happy to.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, C, K, N, 2, B ♪
I'm reading, huh?
(LAUGHS)
Jelly Bean. Violin.
Coconut.
I got these
worksheets from school.
If you do them every night,
you'll be reading in no time.
But you have
to work real hard.
No problem.
Hi, sweetie,
how is the reading going?
Oh, Suzie, you won't
believe what happened.
I wrote my whole worksheet,
everything perfect.
And then it blew out
the window because
you left the fan on again.
Oh, I'm sorry, Oskar,
I'll try to be more careful.
I guess you'll just have to do
the worksheet over again.
Yeah, I could,
except my hand is so cramped
from all the writing I did.
Could you do it for me?
Wow, this looks great.
Yeah, I'm working
really hard.
I think I'm almost ready
to show Ernie and Mr. Hyunh
that I learned to read.
I'm going to read them
the first page of this book.
And then I win the bet.
A Tale of Two Cities?
Are you sure?
Oh, yeah,
it's no problem.
I can read it easy.
Hey, you, little kid.
How would you like
to do me a favor?
I need someone
to read me the first page
of this book
again and again
until I can memorize it.
What's in it for me?
"It was the best
of times, (MUNCHES)
it was the worst of times."
"It was the best
of times, it was
the worst of times."
"It was the age of wisdom."
"It was the age
of foolishness,
"it was the season of light,
"it was the season
of darkness,
"it was the spring of hope
"it was the winter
of despair.
"We had everything before us,
"we had nothing before us."
(LAUGHS)
You did it, Mr. Kokoshka.
Oh, Oskar,
I'm so proud of you.
Well, now
I've seen everything.
So, Ernie and Mr. Highroller,
I think you owe me
some money.
I can't believe it!
Oskar learned to read.
Yeah, before we
start exchanging money
if you don't mind, Kokoshka,
and I hope this isn't
an imposition or anything,
I mean, now that you're
a professional reader and all,
let me hear you read it
one more time.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
"It was the best
of times, it was
the worst of times."
I thought so.
You can't read at all.
What are you talking about?
I switched the books, you bum.
You memorized the "best
of times, worst of times"
stuff, didn't you, didn't you?
Did you, Oskar?
Well well, maybe
I did, but that
Oh, Oskar!
You were cheating
the whole time, weren't you?
You just did it
for the money.
He'll never learn.
The man is a loser.
BOY:
Mister, hey, mister?
I can't read these directions,
can you read them for me?
No, I
I can't right now.
I am sorry.
You can't?
But, mister, why not?
Can't you read,
can't you read, mister?
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
ARNOLD: You were cheating
the whole time, weren't you?
ERNIE:
He'll never learn.
The man is a loser.
BOY:
Can't you read, mister
can't you read? (ECHOES)
OSKAR:
I want to read.
Mr. Kokoshka,
you said that before,
but you didn't mean it.
That was before,
now I want to read.
(SIGHS) I don't know,
Mr. Kokoshka.
I don't think
If I learn to read,
then when somebody asks me
to pass the salt shaker,
I won't have to make excuses.
I can tell Grandpa
what comes in the recipe
after the onions.
And I can help
a lost little boy
find his way home.
I want to read, Arnold,
please help me.
(INAUDIBLE)
But what about my lessons?
I want to read more.
I told you,
I have to go to school.
There's thousands of books
in there. Just go in
and start reading.
Oh, but, Arnold,
those books are too hard.
(GROANS)
Hypo Hypo cha
Ah! I can't read these books.
They're too hard.
TEACHER:
Our next book
is called Pet the Kitty.
Doesn't that sound
like a fun book?
Who wants to read
Pet the Kitty?
"Kitty, kitty, kitty,
"do you want
to pet the kitty?"
(READING)
"Pet, pet, pet."
(LAUGHS) Look, everybody,
I'm petting the kitty!
That's very
good reading, Oskar.
Now, Jamie, would you
like to pick a book to read?
But I want to read more.
I want to read
the Big Train book.
Give it to me.
No, it's mine.
I want to read.
I hate you.
Give it back.
Now, no fighting, children,
we have to share.
ARNOLD:
Okay, Mr. Kokoshka.
This is your final test.
I'm taking you to the
other side of the city.
To a neighborhood
you don't know.
Then I'll give you a map
and written directions
showing you how to get back
to the boarding house.
And all you have to do
is read the directions
and follow the map
to find your way home.
If you can do that,
that means you pass.
It means you can read.
You can do it, Mr. Kokoshka.
I'll see you back
at the boarding house.
But wait, what if I
Good luck.
Eh
First take MaMaple
StStreet east.
Okay, Ma
Maple Street east.
Okay.
Turn left on Ma
Madison Avenue.
Madison Avenue. Okay.
This is great.
I'll be home in no time.
(CAR SCREECHES)
(HORNS HONKING)
(ALL SHOUTING)
He can't read.
He can read.
And he is gonna
find his way home.
Trust me, we'll get
a phone call at 2:00
in the morning,
"I am lost, I am cold
and scared, come get me."
Take the subsubway
to She
Sha Sheffing
Sheffingtown.
Sheffingtown.
Okay.
(SIRENS IN THE DISTANCE)
(CAT MEOWS)
(CHATTER AND CLANGING)
(READING)
Okay, so that's not good.
(SIGHS) I must have
made a mistake.
Sheffingtown.
Maybe Ernie
and Mr. Hyunh were right.
Maybe I am just
a big loser who can't read
and who hums when he eats.
(CAT PURRS)
Hello, what
are you doing here?
Are you lost like me?
Kitty, kitty, kitty.
The kitty is so soft
and pretty.
Do you want to pet the kitty?
Yes, I want to pet the kitty.
Just like the book I can read.
Just like the book I can read!
If I can read Pet the Kitty,
I can read the
street signs, right?
Come on, let's go home.
(CLOCK DINGS)
That's it.
I'm calling the police.
Look!
Oskar?
I can read.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, Oskar,
I'm so proud of you.
Nice going, Oskar.
OSKAR: It's so beautiful.
MR. HYUNH: Oskar
learned to read.
GRANDPA: Well, now
I've seen everything,
except for a really good
low-calorie soft drink.
OSKAR:
See the pretty kitty.
Pet the pretty kitty.
See, pet the kitty
ERNIE: Right, will you shut up
with the pretty pet I'm
gonna make you eat the kitty.
I'm trying to sleep!
OSKAR: Pretty kitty, kitty.
GRANDPA: Quiet,
I'm trying to sleep.
Do you want to pet the kitty?
I've already heard that story.
Yes, I want to pet the kitty.
GRANDPA: Here,
I'll give you my muzzle.
Don't put it on me.
OSKAR: Pet, pet, pet
SUZIE: Go to bed.
Oskar, stop reading.
Now, I am petting the kitty.
GRANDPA: you read that
HYUNH: Quiet! Quiet. Shut up!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
SUZIE:
Oskar, close the book.