iCarly s04e04 Episode Script

[Music.]
[Blows her nose.]
Well? Works just fine.
Okay.
Jillie-Pillie 14, you can blow your nose with a handful of wet noodles.
And afterwards, they make a tasty snack for junior.
Bon appa-snot.
Okay.
Now, a lot of you guys out there You fans of we Have been posting comments on iCarly.
Com, asking if you can buy some of the stuff you've seen us use here on the show.
We're not sure why you'd want our old junk.
But if you want it We're gonna auction it off.
And donate all the money we make to a very worthy cause.
The Sam Puckett legal defense fund.
The Sam Puckett legal defense fund Together, we can keep Sam out of juvie.
Okay.
Get ready to bid.
'Cause the time has come to Show you our junk! [Music.]
That's some good looking junk.
And it's all available for sale.
Yaaarrr.
I told you not to do the pirate voice.
Yar.
So, what iCarly items are for sale here, Sam? Well, Carls, right there, I see Spencer's fan of hammers.
Who could forget the time Spencer almost impaled my head with a flying hammer? Dangerous times.
And check out what this curvaceous mannequin's been modeling.
It's one of the super-cool tee-shirts you often see us wear.
They're called penny-tees.
That's my personal mannequin.
Continuing on.
You all remember these tech foots? Who wouldn't be proud to wear this pair of defective sneakers to school, the zoo or the funeral of a loved one? Wow.
Mmm.
I'm in love with this sauce.
What is it? Uh, it could be a lovely cheese sauce.
But it's snot.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 [Music.]
I know you see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful it's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one and the time to see t b brighter side of every situation some things are meant to be [Music.]
Okay.
Who gets the three-legged weiner dog? Andrea Swain from Winfield, Kansas, 67156.
Swain.
I can't believe some chick paid a hundred bucks for a stained weiner dog.
I told you, fans would really wanna buy stuff that's been on iCarly.
What are you doing? You got a baby scab on your arm.
Leave it.
Wow.
This is amazing.
Someone finally friended you? Control, Freddie.
Bad thoughts lead to bad actions.
What's amazing? Guess what iCarly item sold for the most money by far? Fan of hammers? Nope, the penny-tee.
How much? Almost 300 bucks.
Seriously? I knew it.
I told you people.
Did I tell you people? You told us people.
Our fans are dying for these penny-tees.
We should make 'em, sell 'em, bank a few hundred thousand, quit school and open that restaurant I've been talking about.
No one wants to kill a live chicken, then barbecue it.
You don't know everything.
Whatever.
Are we gonna do the penny-tee thing or not? I think we should.
Our fans want 'em.
And we could make a lot of cash.
Sure, why not? Yes.
iCarly is in the penny-tee business.
Wee-hoo.
Yow-yow.
All right, now we just got to figure out how we're gonna make enough of them to [Knock on door.]
Oh, hang on.
Oww.
I got it.
Oww! Do you have my package? Yeah.
[Groaning in pain.]
One second.
Kid, what are you doing? The floor is dirty.
A truck hit me.
You're fine.
There you are.
You're so good.
Give me my package.
Just sign right here.
Oh, yeah.
I'll sign right there.
Wooo.
Thanks.
Hey, do you know where there's a soda machine around here nope.
What'd you get? A crazy foreign movie for a crazy hot foreign girl.
That's why you gave me a crazy hot concussion? Shh.
She's from Uzbekistan.
And she's blonde and tall and pretty and fun and smells like a fancy hotel bathroom.
My cousin Tanya smells like a gas station bathroom.
That's not the same thing.
Her name is Krustacia and she doesn't speak any English.
So how do you talk to her? Oh, by doing stuff like this: Eeeeaaattting, waaalllkkiiing, caaaannnooeing.
Yeah, okay, yeah, we got it.
Thank you for answering.
We're having our third date on Saturday night, so I ordered this foreign film in her language.
But you won't understand it.
Who cares? Well, guess what we're doing? We're gonna start making penny-tees just like this one and selling them to iCarly fans.
I got to go think about Krustacia.
Okay, we're going shoplifting.
Wear a jacket.
Are we really gonna go shoplifting? No.
[Music.]
May I freshen your soda? [Speaking uzbek.]
Well, sure you can.
Hmm.
I don't understand anything you're saying.
The movie? Yes.
The movie is terrific, even though I understand none of it.
I mean, what's with the goat and the balloon? Let's watch together.
[Gunshot on TV.]
Oh.
[Speaking uzbek.]
Yes, we can kiss again.
[Music.]
And that makes two dozen fried clowns done.
Which makes a total of 74 penny-tees completed and ready for shipping.
Oh, and don't forget Sam's contribution.
You know, nothing.
Where is that lazy blonde? She's flaked on us every night this week since knock-a-doodle-do.
Where have you been? A place.
And what's in those boxes? Items.
You knock off a fat cake truck? Oh, it's happening.
Sam, come on.
Don't.
Aw, aw.
Sam, stop it.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
So you really wanna know what's in those boxes? Please don't be Chinese fireworks.
Please don't be Chinese fireworks.
What? No way.
And 30 more in that box, and 30 more in that box.
Seriously? Seriously.
How'd you make so many? And why did you spank me? 'Cause you irritate me.
And I'll show you.
She's motioning us in her direction.
I see it.
[Music.]
You really slapped it hard.
Why are you taking us to the basement? You wanna know how I made so many penny-tees? Check it out.
Who are they? Momma's little helpers.
They're fourth graders from Saint Mary's, right down the street.
You got a bunch of fourth graders to make penny-tees? Yup, and I'm only paying them five bucks a day.
Miss Puckett? I got a cut on my arm.
Oh, let me take care of that.
Back to work now.
But [Air horn.]
This is worse than Chinese fireworks.
[Music.]
[Music.]
Drink later.
They make 19 penny-tees every hour.
Yeah, but this feels wrong.
I don't like this.
Why? These kids are earning money they can use to buy, you know, treats and such.
Working in a gross, humid, depressing basement for $5.
00 a day isn't worth treats or such.
Miss Puckett.
I mean no trouble, but there's a filthy toothbrush in me chicken salad.
Surprise.
Where'd you get this box of sandwiches? I don't know.
Dumpster? All right.
Who talked? Who told the prissy brunette about the dumpster? No one talked.
You can't work little kids like this.
Dude, I checked the iCarly inbox and we have over six hundred orders for penny-tees to make and deliver.
We're gonna need help from somebody.
Well, okay.
But if these kids are gonna work for us, we're gonna treat them nicely and with respect.
Oh, if you did that, they won't work as hard.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about the truth.
They're already slowing down because I'm not yelling at their faces Okay, okay, okay, okay, listen.
You keep half these kids down you keep half these kids down here and work them your way.
Carly and I'll take the other half up to the studio and we'll have them work for us our way.
Which won't include dumpster tuna fish.
Sure thing.
Okay, all kids with last names starting with "a" through m, you guys go with Carly and Freddie.
Oh, oh.
So you're happy about that? Okay.
N through z kids, you go.
A through m, you stay.
[Children groaning.]
[Music.]
How's your smoothie? Your smoothie, do you like drinking it? Is drinking your smoothie a good time? [Speaking uzbek.]
I've never been so happy to be so confused.
Hey, Spencer.
Oh, hey, kid.
Hi, ma'am.
I'm Gibby.
She doesn't speak English.
I'm still Gibby.
She's from Uzbekistan.
No way.
My bus driver's from Uzbekistan.
No way.
Krustacia and I, we can't really communicate.
I mean, not like verbally.
Well, Foogtor speaks perfect uzbek.
You'd hook me up? You're hooked, man.
Who's the best weirdo in Seattle? Gibbeh.
Gibbeh.
Gibbeh.
Yes.
[Music.]
There he is.
That's him.
Now my life's all good and it's understood that I'm here to say that I know that when I'm still smiling the sun's still shining Hey, now.
I'm extremely disappointed in you guys.
What? What happened? 'Cause you're all working when you should be snacking on Mochi ice cream.
Yeah.
All right, everybody grab one.
Yeah, they're Japanese finger treats.
There you go.
There you go.
Everybody get one? You guys are so great.
Like the nicest bosses ever.
Awww, come on.
It's true.
And you're paying us more than double what Sam was.
Well, Sam's horrible.
She broke my phone.
Okay, let's talk about the schedule for the rest of the day.
You guys take about fifteen minutes to relax and enjoy the mochi.
I like the mango.
Oh yeah, mango bump.
And then you guys work on the penny-tees for about two hours Or 'til you feel you need a break.
And then at five-thirty we'll all meet to discuss the penny-tee total for the day.
And then we'll take a few minutes to sit around, have some blue tea, and just get to know each other a little better.
Terrific.
Mochi.
[Music.]
[Applause.]
Here she comes.
Here she comes.
What's up, t-shirt monkeys? Ohh.
Aah, the sound of progress.
Excuse me.
But when might we lunch? How many penny-tees you guys make so far today? Wow.
Not what momma wanted to hear.
You guys should be up to 50 at least.
Look, you promised us lunch by 2:00.
Fine.
Lunch is over there.
Yeah.
What's chunk meat? Chunk meat.
Which word don't you understand? But this is for animals.
No, it's not.
See here.
It says, "strengthens hooves.
" Okay.
We want more money and better working conditions.
Yeah.
And I wanted a mom who doesn't wear bikinis three sizes too small.
Did I get that? No.
Life's a big boo-hoo.
Now eat your meat.
No.
I won't.
We don't want this job anymore.
That's right.
Sure don't.
Oh, yeah? You wanna say goodbye to your 5 bucks a day and your free cans of meat? Come on, guys.
Let's go.
Good.
Leave.
I don't care.
I'll make the penny-tees myself.
You are especially slow.
"May contain meat.
" Well, if it may [Kids playing noisily.]
Hello.
[Kids quiet down.]
What's going on here, guys? Just taking a little break.
Oh, okay.
Well, how many penny-tees have you guys made today? I don't know.
Maybe, like, six? Six? For the whole day? Hey, man.
Get off our chiz.
Uh, maybe you should all get off your chizzes and do some work.
Or you're not getting paid.
You already pre-paid us.
For the whole month.
Wooh.
Yeah.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Okay, you guys, Carly and I are gonna have to lay down the law here.
Let's do that tomorrow, okay? We're gonna go.
But you guys are supposed to stay till 5:30.
Hey, if you don't get back to work right now, you're, you're fired.
Wooh-hoo.
Yeah, right.
Get back here.
I'm not playin' around.
Bree, Bree, Bree.
Okay, go! We don't care.
More blue tea for us.
[Music.]
So this is Foogtor, my bus driver.
Aw, great to meet you, Foogtor! And this is my lady friend, krustacia.
Krustacia? [Speaking uzbek.]
Oh, wow! Yes! It is so great to finally meet someone that can speak her language.
Oh, will you please tell her that I really like her a lot, and I was wondering if she might wanna go to Las Vegas with me and pay for the trip? What, too pushy? Too pushy? Why aren't you responding? Dude yeah? Foogtor doesn't speak English.
Wait.
He doesn't you don't speak you said he could translate for me.
No, I said he speaks Uzbek, which he does.
So cool the attitude, all right? Wait.
I don't under wait.
If he can't speak English, then how did you even invite him here? His brother speaks uzbek and English.
Why didn't you ask the brother? [Speaking uzbek.]
I love you so much.
[Speaking uzbek.]
Wait a minute.
No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait.
Do you believe in the beave-coon? Head of beaver, rump of raccoon? [Speaking uzbek.]
They really hit it off.
Gibby! [Music.]
Say it.
I'm sorry I worked you guys so hard, and didn't give you enough breaks, and fed you, you know, animal food Okay.
And Freddie and I apologize for what happened with you guys.
It's our fault for letting you think that work was just about taking breaks and having fun all day.
Animal food? It strengthens hooves.
Look, the point is we've got a lotta penny-tees to make, so we'd like to start fresh and work with all of you guys again.
Well, thanks.
But sorry.
We started our own penny-tee business.
Your own? What? Queso? Yup.
Look around.
You little punks.
You can't take our penny-tee idea.
What are you gonna do? Sue us? We're 10.
Good luck.
No.
Good luck to you, sir.
The only reason our penny-tees are so popular is 'cause they say really funny, creative things on them.
That Carly and Sam think of.
You can't steal our comedic brains.
So ha, and once again, ha.
Doesn't matter if we can't think of funny things to put on penny-tees.
'Cause we can hire writers who can.
Arthur, Jake, whatcha got? Pork lumps.
Flab attack.
Butter hose.
Puppy snot.
Cheese bubbles.
Rubber toes.
Finger face.
Tasty clown.
Thunder munch.
Purple Chester.
Swollen hats.
Fried cousins.
Who wants a chicken pot pie? No thanks.
Not me.
Shut up, T-Bo.