Keeping Up Appearances s04e04 Episode Script
The Commodore
( theme music playing ) IF THE THORNCLIFFS CAN HAVE A LITTLE PLACE IN THE COUNTRY, WHY CAN'T WE? HMM? ( mumbles ) I AM A COUNTRY LOVER.
YOU'RE A COUNTRY LOVER.
NOT AT THIS TIME IN THE MORNING.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A COUNTRY LOVER.
SINCE WHEN? GRASS DOESN'T BEHAVE LIKE FITTED CARPET.
YOU KNOW I LOVE THE COUNTRY.
WE GO ON PICNICS.
ROYAL DOULTON AND THE SILVER TEAPOT.
WE TAKE TABLES, CHAIRS, RUGS, I DON'T LIKE THE CREEPY-CRAWLIES, THOUGH.
BUT WE'LL FIND SOMEWHERE CREEPY-CRAWLIE FREE.
OH RICHARD, HOW EXCITING! OUR OWN LITTLE PLACE IN THE COUNTRY! WELL, IF YOU WAN A FINANCIAL OPINION, IT'LL HAVE TO BE VERY LITTLE.
( sighs ) AH-HH! ( groans ) OH-HH! "LITTLE PLACE," I MEAN BIG ENOUGH FOR ENTERTAINING A FEW SELECT FRIENDS.
I SHALL BRING CIVILIZATION TO A LITTLE RURAL CORNER.
OH, RICHARD, I CAN SEE IT ALL NOW.
MY PRUNE SURPRISE ONE-BITE CANAPEÃS FOR COWHERDS AND SHEPHERDS.
THEY'RE ALWAYS TALL AND HANDSOME-- ROMANTIC HEROES-- NEVER SHORT AND FAT.
I'VE NEVER YE COME ACROSS A HEROINE WHO'S FALLEN FOR ANYBODY SHORT AND FAT.
IT'S A BIT UNFAIR, REALLY.
PLUS IT TAKES NO ACCOUN OF THE WEIRD SHAPES WE FEMALES ACTUALLY FALL FOR.
( groans ) I COULD DO WITH A BACON BUTTIE.
MY MOTHER COULDN'T BELIEVE I WHEN SHE SAW YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME.
YOU WERE WAITING FOR ME AT THE GATE, AND SHE THOUGHT SOMEBODY HAD ABANDONED AN OLD VAN.
( giggles ) I AM GIVING UP THE HURLY-BURLY OF THE ROMANTIC JUNGLE.
I AM RETIRING FROM AN ACTIVE LOVE LIFE.
OVERACTIVE! BOG-OFF, ONSLOW! THAT'S NO WAY TO SPEAK TO AN OLD VAN.
IT DIDN'T TAKE SO MUCH "STARTING" IN THOSE DAYS.
OH, WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP AND LISTEN? I'M GOING TO WRITE MY MEMOIRS.
WELL, I COULD! EVERYBODY IS DOING I THESE DAYS.
AND I'VE KEPT DIARIES ALL THESE YEARS, I COULD WRITE MYMEMOIRS.
THAT'S GONNA BE GOOD NEWS FOR A FEW HUSBANDS AROUND HERE.
THERE'S NO POINT IN WRITING IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO BE TRUTHFUL.
THERE'S GONNA BE ONE HELL OF A LOT OF MEN MISSING THEIR LAST TRAINS.
I HOPE THERE'LL BE ROOM IN YOUR MEMOIRS, OUR ROSE, FOR BOYFRIENDS WHO WERE SHOR AND FAT.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SHORT OF SHORT AND FAT.
WHEN YOU GET TO MY AGE, THERE'S A BIG UPSURGE IN SHORT AND FAT.
HOW MANY GENTLE FLOWERS GROW GARDEN? LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA LA-LA WOULD YOU LIKE THATCH? WELL, I USUALLY HAVE CORNFLAKES.
RICHARD! PAY ATTENTION, DEAR.
I'M SPEAKING OF OUR COTTAGE.
SHOULD IT BE THATCH, DO YOU THINK? YOU MEAN AS WELL AS HEAVILY MORTGAGED? YOU'RE SERIOUS, THEN? I LIKE THE LOOK OF THATCH, BUT IS IT PRACTICAL? I MEAN, WHEN WE'RE ENTERTAINING, AND I'VE LAID ONE OF MY ELEGAN EXECUTIVE TABLES, THE LAST THING I WAN IS BITS OF STRAW FALLING INTO PEOPLE'S VICHYSSOISE.
EXECUTIVE ENTERTAINING! THAT'S MORE LIKE YOU, HYACINTH.
WE'RE NOT REALLY COUNTRY MATERIAL.
OH, NONSENSE, DEAR.
I SHALL DEVELOP A COUNTRY VERSION OF MY CANDLELIGH SUPPERS.
A SORT OF "PLOWMAN'S SOIREÃE.
" ( warbling ) TO BE A FARMER'S BULL TO BE A FARMER'S BU-- RICHARD! ( mutters ) ( door bangs ) MORNING,EMMET! BEAU-TIFUL DAY! ( yodeling ) THAT VOICE RIPS STRAIGHT THROUGH ME.
SHE COULD REMOVE PEOPLE'S SOCKS WITH A VOICE LIKE THAT.
IS THIS HA SUITABLE, DEAR? ER, FOR WHAT? FOR LOOKING AT COUNTRY COTTAGES.
I MEAN, DOES IT LOOK "RURAL" IN A SOPHISTICATED WAY? - ER - OR WOULD YOU WEAR THIS ONE? NO, IT WOULDN' SUIT ME.
DON'T BE SILLY, RICHARD.
NOW CONCENTRATE.
WHICH HAT? THIS? OR THIS? HYACINTH, I HATE DECISIONS OF THIS MAGNITUDE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
IT'S UNREASONABLE.
YOU DON'T LIKE MY HATS.
I NEVER SAID I DIDN'T LIKE YOUR HATS.
RICHARD! IS THIS THE FIRST CHINK IN OUR MARRIAGE? I'VE HEARD ABOUT MEN IN MID-LIFE CRISIS.
I'M WARNING YOU, RICHARD-- I WILL NOT HAVE YOU BEING UNFAITHFUL TO MY HATS.
NOW-- WHEN SHE RINGS-- IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF BEING QUITE FIRM AND GIVING HER MY EXCUSE.
I'VE FORGOTTEN MY EXCUSE.
"I'M SORRY, HYACINTH, BUT I CAN'T ENJOY COFFEE WITH YOU THIS MORNING, I HAVE AN APPOINTMEN WITH MY SOLICITOR.
" "CAN'T ENJOY COFFEE WITH YOU THIS MORNING, I HAVE AN APPOINTMEN WITH MY SOLICITOR.
" RIGHT.
( shakily ) "I'M SO SORRY, HYACINTH, BUT I CAN'T ENJOY COFFEE WITH YOU THIS MORNING.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMEN WITH MY SOLICITOR.
" ( trilling ring ) HELLO? NO, NO, NO.
I'M AFRAID I CAN'T.
NO.
NOT THIS MORNING.
I'M SOLICITING.
OH, NO! NO, NO.
OF COURSE I'M NOT SOLICITING-- SORRY, YOU CAN'T WHAT? FOR COFFEE THIS MORNING, BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK AT PROPERTY? YES, I UNDERSTAND.
( muffled giggle ) SOME OTHER TIME.
HMM, THAT'S FINE.
( relieved laughter ) I WANT SOMETHING WITH ROSES AROUND THE DOOR.
HMM IT SHOULD CREATE AN IMPRESSION OF CHARM, TRANQUILITY AND HAVE AN EXCLUSIVE POSTCODE.
HMM? OH, AT LEAS THREE BEDROOMS.
ABSOLUTE MINIMUM.
YES, AND IT SHOULD HAVE EVERY MOD-CON.
YES, I SEE NO VIRTUE IN RUSTIC PLUMBING.
HOW MUCH IS THAT ONE? REALLY? THAT SEEMS QUITE REASONABLE.
OH, AND A SUNKEN GARDEN, AND A SOUTH FACING CONSERVATORY.
VERY NICE.
YES.
NOW, THERE SHOULD BE-- THERE SHOULD BE AN L-SHAPED ROOM FOR ENTERTAINING, OBJETS D'ART.
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING CHEAPER WE COULD CONVERT? SOMETHING A BIT RUNDOWN THAT NEEDS DOING UP-- LIKE ME? EXCUSE ME.
RICHARD, ARE YOU LOSING YOUR NERVE? YES.
IT'S GONE COMPLETELY.
NO, NO.
I'M STILL HERE.
YOU KEEP HER BEAUTIFULLY, RICHARD.
SHE DOESN'T THINK SO.
SHE THINKS I'M IN MID-LIFE CRISIS.
OH, THE CAR.
YES, HYACINTH LIKES A CLEAN CAR.
WHY DOES SHE THINK YOU'RE IN A MID-LIFE CRISIS? I FAILED THE HAT TES THIS MORNING.
SHE ASKED ME WHICH ONE I PREFERRED.
BEAUTIFUL DAY, ELIZABETH.
YES, ISN'T IT? COMPLETELY CONDUCIVE TO CONTEMPLATING COZY, CHARISMATIC, COUNTRY COTTAGES.
COME ALONG, RICHARD.
DON'T JUST STAND THERE HAVING YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
WATCH OU FOR THE LORRY, DEAR.
YES, I CAN SEE THE LORRY.
AND THERE'S A PEDESTRIAN ON THE PAVEMENT.
YES, THAT'S A GOOD PLACE FOR A PEDESTRIAN.
HMM? AREN'T YOU GOING TOO QUICKLY? NO, I'M NOT GOING TOO QUICKLY.
ZIPPITY DO-DAH ZIPPITY-AY MY, OH MY-- WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY.
YOU REALLY ARE IN A MID-LIFE CRISIS.
I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN ONE DAY.
I'D BEEN EXPECTING IT.
MIND THE BICYCLE.
MINDING THE BICYCLE.
PASSING THE BICYCLE CAREFULLY IN MID-LIFE CRISIS.
WE SHALL FIGHT I TOGETHER.
MID-LIFE CRISIS.
I SHALL BE A TOWER OF STRENGTH FOR YOU.
WATCH OU FOR OTHER WOMEN.
WHERE? WHERE? NOT HERE, DEAR.
IN YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
IT'S A TIME WHEN MEN THINK OF OTHER WOMEN.
NOT ME, HYACINTH.
I ASSURE YOU.
FOR ME ONE WOMAN IS ENOUGH.
THANK YOU, DEAR.
BEAUTIFUL SENTIMENT.
YOU SEE? YOU'RE GETTING BETTER ALREADY.
THINK FOR YOURSELF, RICHARD.
TURN LEFT, HERE.
( melodramatic music playing on TV ) HOW DO YOU SPELL "MEMOIRS"? woman on TV screams ) "M-E-M-O-I-R-S.
" AND I THOUGHT YOU WAS JUS A BIG IDLE SLOB.
HE'S A BIG IDLE SLOB THAT CAN SPELL.
YOU GET A WARM, COZY FEELING BEING MARRIED TO AN INTELLECTUAL.
IF YOU WEREN' BONE-IDLE, I BET YOU COULD HAVE REALLY MADE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF.
YEAH, IF I HADN' DECIDED TO BE BONE-IDLE.
( screaming continues on TV ) IS SHE REALLY WRITING HER MEMOIRS? LOOKS LIKE IT.
HOW DO YOU SPELL "VIRGIN"? IS IT "E-R" OR "I-R"? IS SHE GOING BACK THAT FAR? OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL! I LIKE THAT ONE.
ONE COULD ENTERTAIN THERE.
HYACINTH, WE'RE LOOKING FOR A COUNTRY COTTAGE, SOMETHING SIMPLE WE CAN DO UP.
YES, OF COURSE, DEAR.
DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY.
I'LL GO IN AND SEE WHAT THEY HAVE.
YOU LOOK THROUGH THIS, DEAR.
REMEMBER, SOMETHING SIMPLE WE CAN DO UP.
I'M WELL AWARE OF WHAT WE WANT, RICHARD.
OOH! WONDERFUL! AND-- OH! WHY DO YOU ONLY GET THE DETAILS ON BIG HOUSES? LOOK, I AM NOT GOING INTO AN ESTATE AGENT'S TO MAKE INQUIRIES ABOUT SOME POTTY LITTLE PROPERTY.
I HAVE MY PRIDE, RICHARD.
THEN I'LL GO IN NEXT TIME.
BUT MAKE SURE THERE'S ROOM FOR ENTERTAINING.
WHATEVER SOR OF PROPERTY IT IS, I SHALL WANT I TO BE A SHINING LIGH OF CIVILIZATION IN THE RURAL WILDERNESS.
MIND THAT HERD OF COWS, DEAR.
- IT'S IN A FIELD.
- THEY MAY BE DUE FOR MILKING.
( mimics cow ) MMM-MINDING THE COW-OOS.
Elizabeth humming ) IT'S ONLY ME! DEE-DEE DEE-DEE-- HELLO, BROTHER MINE! ( singing continues ) YOU'RE PARTICULARLY CHEERFUL.
I'VE HAD A COFFEE-FREE MORNING-- NO HYACINTH.
LUCKY YOU.
HOW DID YOU WRANGLE THAT? I DIDN'T HAVE TO.
SHE WAS GOING OUT-- LOOKING AT PROPERTY.
( bangs keys ) "LOOKING AT PROPERTY"? IS THAT WHAT SHE SAID? - I THINK THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
- TRY TO REMEMBER! - YOU'RE SHAKING ME.
- I'M SORRY, LIZ.
BUT ARE YOU POSITIVE SHE SAID, "LOOKING AT PROPERTY"? HMM! THAT-- THAT MEANS SHE'S MOVING! HYACINTH IS MOVING! WELL, I ASSUMED IT WAS FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.
SHE CAN'T BE MOVING.
DON'T SAY THAT, LIZ.
NOT EVEN IN JEST.
YE GODS! HYACINTH MOVING.
I THINK THAT CALLS FOR A LITTLE DRINKIE.
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING OH, WHA A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN ABOUT AN HOUR, IF THAT'S CONVENIENT.
GOOD! JUST A MOMENT.
AND THE NAME IS? - B-U-- - "BOUQUET!" SPELLED "B-U-C-K-E-T.
" IT'S A MR.
AND MRS.
BUCKET.
"BOU-QUET.
" THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.
THEY'LL BE WITH YOU IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT HOW THE NAME IS SPELLED.
SHE'S WEARING A GREEN HAT.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN SHOW YOU? I'D LIKE PARTICULARS REGARDING THIS, PLEASE.
LET'S JUST LOOK AT COTTAGES.
THAT'S WHERE WE STARTED-- COTTAGES.
"OUR OWN LITTLE PLACE IN THE COUNTRY," YOU SAID.
I KNOW, BUT I WILL NOT HAVE THE AGENTS BELIEVING THAT'S ALL WE CAN AFFORD.
OH, THIS ONE LOOKS MORE MODEST.
IT DOESN'T LOOK MORE MODEST TO ME.
- NONSENSE.
MIND THE TREE, DEAR.
- THE TREE? I AM ON THE ROAD, THE TREE IS IN THE HEDGE.
BUT IT COULD BLOW DOWN.
THEY DO.
THEY'RE ALWAYS BLOWING DOWN.
MINDING THE TREE.
( birds chirping ) IT MAY SAY "TURN LEFT," BUT I CAN'T SEE THAT COTTAGE ANYWHERE.
SHALL WE ASK THE VILLAGE IDIOT? THAT FELLOW? DO YOU REALLY THINK HE'S THE RIGHT PERSON TO ASK? THERE'S NO ONE ELSE.
GOOD DAY TO YOU, MY GOOD MAN! COULD YOU DIRECT US? WE'RE LOOKING FOR "HONEYSUCKLE COTTAGE.
" HAR! I DON'T APPEAR TO BE GETTING THROUGH TO HIM, RICHARD.
HE'S CLEARLY DONATED HIS VOCAL ORGANS TO MEDICAL RESEARCH.
( loudly ) CAN YOU TELL US WHERE WE CAN FIND "HONEYSUCKLE COTTAGE"? OH, AYE-- ( garbled speech ) GO STRAIGH DOWN THE ROAD HERE ( garbled ) TAKE THE ROAD AND COME TO A FORK! BUT DON'T TAKE THE RIGHT-HAND FORK-- OH, YOU DON'T WAN THE RIGHT-HAND FORK.
IT GOES PAST THE PIG FARM.
( speech garbled ) LEFT-HAND FORK YOU GO PAST THE FARM ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE FURTHER THAN THAT.
FIRST LEFT AND YOU'RE THERE.
( cackles ) I THINK I CAUGH "FIRST LEFT.
" THEN FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, LET'S GO! THANK YOU! HE WAS LOOKING AT ME VERY ODDLY, RICHARD.
DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY COULD STILL BE EATING RAW MEA AROUND HERE? HYACINTH! BELIEVE ME, THOSE WERE NOT THE EYES OF A VEGETARIAN.
WELL HE WAS RIGH ABOUT FIRST LEFT.
PROBABLY JUST A WILD GUESS.
HE LOOKED A TRIFLE OFF THE LATCH TO ME.
HE KNEW IT WAS FIRST LEFT, SO HE CAN'T BE COMPLETELY OFF THE LATCH.
I'LL JUST PULL OFF THE ROAD.
HE WAS JUS STARRING AT ME AND GRINNING.
I DON'T SUPPOSE HE'S EVER SEEN A HAT LIKE MINE.
I HOPE ALL COUNTRY PEOPLE AREN'T GOING TO BE LIKE THAT.
IT WILL MAKE I VERY HARD WORK AT MY "MERRIE ENGLAND" BARBEQUES.
( humming ) WE MUST GE A MAYPOLE, RICHARD.
APPARENTLY THAT'S HOW COUNTRY FOLK AMUSE THEMSELVES.
I DO LIKE THE NAME-- "HONEYSUCKLE COTTAGE.
" IT'LL LOOK RATHER WELL ON OUR EMBOSSED PERSONAL NOTEPAPER.
YOU WANT MY OPINION? PRETTY BUT PRICEY.
WE'LL SEND OU INVITATIONS, RICHARD.
"THE BOUQUETS WILL BE ENTERTAINING THIS WEEKEND AT 'HONEYSUCKLE COTTAGE.
'" ( knocker taps ) OH YES, RICHARD, I LIKE IT.
WHERE IS THE NEIGHBOR WITH THE KEY? APPARENTLY, HE JUST LIVES AROUND THE CORNER.
WELL, COME ON, DEAR.
COME ON.
WHOOP! MIND YOUR TREAD, RICHARD.
MINDING MY TREAD.
( bleating ) WHAT IS IT? IT'S A GOAT.
YOU SEE HOW FAMILIAR YOU ARE WITH THE COUNTRY ALREADY? ARE THEY HOUSETRAINED? I SHOULDN' THINK SO.
OH-- JUST LIKE ONSLOW! ( goat brays ) ( gruff squealing ) RICHARD.
RICHARD! RICHARD! ( frantic honking ) COME ALONG, RICHARD.
THIS MUST BE IT.
- OH-HH! - ( dog growls softly ) ( thumping ) THIS MAKES ONSLOW'S PLACE LOOK LIKE A PALACE.
WHEN WE STOPPED IN THE CAR AND ASKED HIM DIRECTIONS, WHY DIDN'T HE TELL US HE HAD THE KEY? MAYBE HE DID.
COULD YOU UNDERSTAND A WORD HE WAS SAYING? I STILL CAN' UNDERSTAND A WORD HE'S SAYING.
( speaking gibberish ) TERRIBLE-- WHOA-HO ( gibberish continues ) RATS.
- DID HE SAY RATS? - I THOUGHT HE SAID "RATS.
" I THOUGHT I HEARD "WOODWORM.
" CAN ONE HEAR WOODWORM? SAY"WOODWORM.
" I THINK YOU'D BETTER GO IN FIRST, RICHARD.
INTO THE JAWS OF RATS AND WOODWORM.
CHARMING! LET'S HOPE IT'S THE RATS WHO'VE GOT THE WOODWORM.
DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
- WOODWORM? - ( speaking gibberish ) OH, YES! ONE COULD DO SOMETHING WITH THIS.
A LITTLE COTTAGE FURNITURE.
IDEAL FOR MY COUNTRY CREAM TEAS.
WE SHALL NEED A GRANDFATHER CLOCK, RICHARD.
FOR CREAM TEAS? FOR THE AMBIANCE, RICHARD.
OLD-WORLD ATMOSPHERE, DEAR.
YEAH, IT'S WOOD.
WELL, NATURALLY.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? BUT IT'S A PITY, IF THEY HAD BEEN PLASTIC, IT'D CONFUSED THE WOODWORM.
HMM? HOW OLD IS THE PLACE? ( speaking gibberish ) 1800, JANUARY.
YOU TRY.
LISTEN, JUST BECAUSE I RECOGNIZED A GOAT SHE'S NOT HOME YET.
THEY MAY HAVE FOUND SOMEWHERE.
YOU'RE GETTING A THING ABOUT THIS.
THEY PROBABLY WON' FIND THE RIGHT PROPERTY AT THEIR FIRST ATTEMPT.
PEOPLE SHOULD MAKE UP THEIR MINDS.
I DON'T SEE WHAT IS SO DIFFICUL ABOUT CHOOSING A PROPERTY.
SHE IS LOOKING FOR A PROPERTY, ISN'T SHE? OH, EMMET.
RELAX! HYACINTH SAID THEY WERE LOOKING AT PROPERTY.
THAT'S ALL I CAN TELL YOU.
IF SHE COMES BACK HERE WITHOUT FINDING A PROPERTY THEN THEN WE'LL HAVE TO HELP HER LOOK FOR SOMETHING.
HOW CAN WE HELP HER? WE'LL CIRCULATE ESTATE AGENTS WITHIN A 50-MILE RADIUS.
NO! NO, LET'S MAKE THA A 100-MILE RADIUS.
WE MUSTN'T MISS ANY OPPORTUNITY TO HELP.
I MEAN, WHAT ARE NEIGHBORS FOR? EMMET, WE CAN' DO THAT.
WE CAN'T INTERFERE WITH HYACINTH'S CHOICE.
I COULD-- ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S IN SUCH A GOOD CAUSE.
- WHAT GOOD CAUSE? - MY SANITY! OH, PLENTY OF CUPBOARD SPACE.
I CAN'T SAY I AM FINDING ALL THAT MUCH SPACE.
CAN'T-- CAN'T SEE ANY WOODWORM.
THERE ARE MORE PROBLEMS AROUND HERE THAN WOODWORM, DEAR.
( speaking gibberish ) COLD IN HERE - WHAT'S HE SAYING? - I DON'T KNOW, BUT I CAN FEEL EVERY SYLLABLE.
EXCUSE ME! ( chuckling ) A FINE BIG LASS.
WHERE? CHECK THE LOFT AREA CAREFULLY FOR PESTS, RICHARD.
NOT MUCH LIGH UP HERE.
AND IF YOU SHOULD SEE ANY WOODWORM, TRY TO SHOO THEM TOWARDS THE END OF THE BUILDING.
HOW DO YOU SHOO WOODWORM? INTIMIDATE THEM, DEAR, BY BANGING ON THEIR BEAMS.
IT'S VERY DUSTY AND THERE'S NOT A LOT OF ROOM TO MOVE.
REALLY? I'M A LITTLE RESTRICTED DOWN HERE! RICHARD, RICHARD, WOULD YOU COME DOWN, DEAR? - YES-- NOW! COMING! RICHARD! ( speaking gibberish ) AND FANCY SOCKS, TOO.
WHOA! RICHARD! OOP! RICHARD! RICHARD! ( speaking rude gibberish ) HOW DARE YOU, SIR, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME WHEN MY HUSBAND'S INCAPACITATED? - Man: OH, THE WIFE! ( speaking angry gibberish ) WELL, I'LL NO STAND FOR IT.
YOU AND YOUR FANCY WOMAN.
THE OLD COW! Yokel's wife: YOUR LAST WARNING! YOU GO HOME! ( yelling continues ) HELP! HELP! RICHARD! DO STOP MESSING ABOUT UP THERE, AND COME DOWN AT ONCE, DEAR.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY WOODWORM IN THIS BEAM-- IT FEELS HARD ENOUGH.
NOW LISTEN, I'M GOING TO LOCK MYSELF IN THE CAR.
THE WAY THAT YOKEL IS BEHAVING-- YOU'D THINK I WAS THE FIRS DELIRIOUS-- DESIRABLE WOMAN HE'S EVER SEEN.
NOW, COME ALONG, DEAR.
( yells ) HYACINTH! ( yelling continues ) ( door slams, yelling stops ) ( cow bellows, Hyacinth screams ) RICHARD! HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO WALK LIKE THAT? ( sadly ) PROBABLY FOREVER.
THIS IS NO TIME TO BE NURSING YOUR GRIEVANCES.
IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.
OW-OO! ( all bleating ) RICHARD! ( theme music playing )
YOU'RE A COUNTRY LOVER.
NOT AT THIS TIME IN THE MORNING.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A COUNTRY LOVER.
SINCE WHEN? GRASS DOESN'T BEHAVE LIKE FITTED CARPET.
YOU KNOW I LOVE THE COUNTRY.
WE GO ON PICNICS.
ROYAL DOULTON AND THE SILVER TEAPOT.
WE TAKE TABLES, CHAIRS, RUGS, I DON'T LIKE THE CREEPY-CRAWLIES, THOUGH.
BUT WE'LL FIND SOMEWHERE CREEPY-CRAWLIE FREE.
OH RICHARD, HOW EXCITING! OUR OWN LITTLE PLACE IN THE COUNTRY! WELL, IF YOU WAN A FINANCIAL OPINION, IT'LL HAVE TO BE VERY LITTLE.
( sighs ) AH-HH! ( groans ) OH-HH! "LITTLE PLACE," I MEAN BIG ENOUGH FOR ENTERTAINING A FEW SELECT FRIENDS.
I SHALL BRING CIVILIZATION TO A LITTLE RURAL CORNER.
OH, RICHARD, I CAN SEE IT ALL NOW.
MY PRUNE SURPRISE ONE-BITE CANAPEÃS FOR COWHERDS AND SHEPHERDS.
THEY'RE ALWAYS TALL AND HANDSOME-- ROMANTIC HEROES-- NEVER SHORT AND FAT.
I'VE NEVER YE COME ACROSS A HEROINE WHO'S FALLEN FOR ANYBODY SHORT AND FAT.
IT'S A BIT UNFAIR, REALLY.
PLUS IT TAKES NO ACCOUN OF THE WEIRD SHAPES WE FEMALES ACTUALLY FALL FOR.
( groans ) I COULD DO WITH A BACON BUTTIE.
MY MOTHER COULDN'T BELIEVE I WHEN SHE SAW YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME.
YOU WERE WAITING FOR ME AT THE GATE, AND SHE THOUGHT SOMEBODY HAD ABANDONED AN OLD VAN.
( giggles ) I AM GIVING UP THE HURLY-BURLY OF THE ROMANTIC JUNGLE.
I AM RETIRING FROM AN ACTIVE LOVE LIFE.
OVERACTIVE! BOG-OFF, ONSLOW! THAT'S NO WAY TO SPEAK TO AN OLD VAN.
IT DIDN'T TAKE SO MUCH "STARTING" IN THOSE DAYS.
OH, WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP AND LISTEN? I'M GOING TO WRITE MY MEMOIRS.
WELL, I COULD! EVERYBODY IS DOING I THESE DAYS.
AND I'VE KEPT DIARIES ALL THESE YEARS, I COULD WRITE MYMEMOIRS.
THAT'S GONNA BE GOOD NEWS FOR A FEW HUSBANDS AROUND HERE.
THERE'S NO POINT IN WRITING IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO BE TRUTHFUL.
THERE'S GONNA BE ONE HELL OF A LOT OF MEN MISSING THEIR LAST TRAINS.
I HOPE THERE'LL BE ROOM IN YOUR MEMOIRS, OUR ROSE, FOR BOYFRIENDS WHO WERE SHOR AND FAT.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SHORT OF SHORT AND FAT.
WHEN YOU GET TO MY AGE, THERE'S A BIG UPSURGE IN SHORT AND FAT.
HOW MANY GENTLE FLOWERS GROW GARDEN? LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA LA-LA WOULD YOU LIKE THATCH? WELL, I USUALLY HAVE CORNFLAKES.
RICHARD! PAY ATTENTION, DEAR.
I'M SPEAKING OF OUR COTTAGE.
SHOULD IT BE THATCH, DO YOU THINK? YOU MEAN AS WELL AS HEAVILY MORTGAGED? YOU'RE SERIOUS, THEN? I LIKE THE LOOK OF THATCH, BUT IS IT PRACTICAL? I MEAN, WHEN WE'RE ENTERTAINING, AND I'VE LAID ONE OF MY ELEGAN EXECUTIVE TABLES, THE LAST THING I WAN IS BITS OF STRAW FALLING INTO PEOPLE'S VICHYSSOISE.
EXECUTIVE ENTERTAINING! THAT'S MORE LIKE YOU, HYACINTH.
WE'RE NOT REALLY COUNTRY MATERIAL.
OH, NONSENSE, DEAR.
I SHALL DEVELOP A COUNTRY VERSION OF MY CANDLELIGH SUPPERS.
A SORT OF "PLOWMAN'S SOIREÃE.
" ( warbling ) TO BE A FARMER'S BULL TO BE A FARMER'S BU-- RICHARD! ( mutters ) ( door bangs ) MORNING,EMMET! BEAU-TIFUL DAY! ( yodeling ) THAT VOICE RIPS STRAIGHT THROUGH ME.
SHE COULD REMOVE PEOPLE'S SOCKS WITH A VOICE LIKE THAT.
IS THIS HA SUITABLE, DEAR? ER, FOR WHAT? FOR LOOKING AT COUNTRY COTTAGES.
I MEAN, DOES IT LOOK "RURAL" IN A SOPHISTICATED WAY? - ER - OR WOULD YOU WEAR THIS ONE? NO, IT WOULDN' SUIT ME.
DON'T BE SILLY, RICHARD.
NOW CONCENTRATE.
WHICH HAT? THIS? OR THIS? HYACINTH, I HATE DECISIONS OF THIS MAGNITUDE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
IT'S UNREASONABLE.
YOU DON'T LIKE MY HATS.
I NEVER SAID I DIDN'T LIKE YOUR HATS.
RICHARD! IS THIS THE FIRST CHINK IN OUR MARRIAGE? I'VE HEARD ABOUT MEN IN MID-LIFE CRISIS.
I'M WARNING YOU, RICHARD-- I WILL NOT HAVE YOU BEING UNFAITHFUL TO MY HATS.
NOW-- WHEN SHE RINGS-- IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF BEING QUITE FIRM AND GIVING HER MY EXCUSE.
I'VE FORGOTTEN MY EXCUSE.
"I'M SORRY, HYACINTH, BUT I CAN'T ENJOY COFFEE WITH YOU THIS MORNING, I HAVE AN APPOINTMEN WITH MY SOLICITOR.
" "CAN'T ENJOY COFFEE WITH YOU THIS MORNING, I HAVE AN APPOINTMEN WITH MY SOLICITOR.
" RIGHT.
( shakily ) "I'M SO SORRY, HYACINTH, BUT I CAN'T ENJOY COFFEE WITH YOU THIS MORNING.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMEN WITH MY SOLICITOR.
" ( trilling ring ) HELLO? NO, NO, NO.
I'M AFRAID I CAN'T.
NO.
NOT THIS MORNING.
I'M SOLICITING.
OH, NO! NO, NO.
OF COURSE I'M NOT SOLICITING-- SORRY, YOU CAN'T WHAT? FOR COFFEE THIS MORNING, BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK AT PROPERTY? YES, I UNDERSTAND.
( muffled giggle ) SOME OTHER TIME.
HMM, THAT'S FINE.
( relieved laughter ) I WANT SOMETHING WITH ROSES AROUND THE DOOR.
HMM IT SHOULD CREATE AN IMPRESSION OF CHARM, TRANQUILITY AND HAVE AN EXCLUSIVE POSTCODE.
HMM? OH, AT LEAS THREE BEDROOMS.
ABSOLUTE MINIMUM.
YES, AND IT SHOULD HAVE EVERY MOD-CON.
YES, I SEE NO VIRTUE IN RUSTIC PLUMBING.
HOW MUCH IS THAT ONE? REALLY? THAT SEEMS QUITE REASONABLE.
OH, AND A SUNKEN GARDEN, AND A SOUTH FACING CONSERVATORY.
VERY NICE.
YES.
NOW, THERE SHOULD BE-- THERE SHOULD BE AN L-SHAPED ROOM FOR ENTERTAINING, OBJETS D'ART.
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING CHEAPER WE COULD CONVERT? SOMETHING A BIT RUNDOWN THAT NEEDS DOING UP-- LIKE ME? EXCUSE ME.
RICHARD, ARE YOU LOSING YOUR NERVE? YES.
IT'S GONE COMPLETELY.
NO, NO.
I'M STILL HERE.
YOU KEEP HER BEAUTIFULLY, RICHARD.
SHE DOESN'T THINK SO.
SHE THINKS I'M IN MID-LIFE CRISIS.
OH, THE CAR.
YES, HYACINTH LIKES A CLEAN CAR.
WHY DOES SHE THINK YOU'RE IN A MID-LIFE CRISIS? I FAILED THE HAT TES THIS MORNING.
SHE ASKED ME WHICH ONE I PREFERRED.
BEAUTIFUL DAY, ELIZABETH.
YES, ISN'T IT? COMPLETELY CONDUCIVE TO CONTEMPLATING COZY, CHARISMATIC, COUNTRY COTTAGES.
COME ALONG, RICHARD.
DON'T JUST STAND THERE HAVING YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
WATCH OU FOR THE LORRY, DEAR.
YES, I CAN SEE THE LORRY.
AND THERE'S A PEDESTRIAN ON THE PAVEMENT.
YES, THAT'S A GOOD PLACE FOR A PEDESTRIAN.
HMM? AREN'T YOU GOING TOO QUICKLY? NO, I'M NOT GOING TOO QUICKLY.
ZIPPITY DO-DAH ZIPPITY-AY MY, OH MY-- WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY.
YOU REALLY ARE IN A MID-LIFE CRISIS.
I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN ONE DAY.
I'D BEEN EXPECTING IT.
MIND THE BICYCLE.
MINDING THE BICYCLE.
PASSING THE BICYCLE CAREFULLY IN MID-LIFE CRISIS.
WE SHALL FIGHT I TOGETHER.
MID-LIFE CRISIS.
I SHALL BE A TOWER OF STRENGTH FOR YOU.
WATCH OU FOR OTHER WOMEN.
WHERE? WHERE? NOT HERE, DEAR.
IN YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
IT'S A TIME WHEN MEN THINK OF OTHER WOMEN.
NOT ME, HYACINTH.
I ASSURE YOU.
FOR ME ONE WOMAN IS ENOUGH.
THANK YOU, DEAR.
BEAUTIFUL SENTIMENT.
YOU SEE? YOU'RE GETTING BETTER ALREADY.
THINK FOR YOURSELF, RICHARD.
TURN LEFT, HERE.
( melodramatic music playing on TV ) HOW DO YOU SPELL "MEMOIRS"? woman on TV screams ) "M-E-M-O-I-R-S.
" AND I THOUGHT YOU WAS JUS A BIG IDLE SLOB.
HE'S A BIG IDLE SLOB THAT CAN SPELL.
YOU GET A WARM, COZY FEELING BEING MARRIED TO AN INTELLECTUAL.
IF YOU WEREN' BONE-IDLE, I BET YOU COULD HAVE REALLY MADE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF.
YEAH, IF I HADN' DECIDED TO BE BONE-IDLE.
( screaming continues on TV ) IS SHE REALLY WRITING HER MEMOIRS? LOOKS LIKE IT.
HOW DO YOU SPELL "VIRGIN"? IS IT "E-R" OR "I-R"? IS SHE GOING BACK THAT FAR? OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL! I LIKE THAT ONE.
ONE COULD ENTERTAIN THERE.
HYACINTH, WE'RE LOOKING FOR A COUNTRY COTTAGE, SOMETHING SIMPLE WE CAN DO UP.
YES, OF COURSE, DEAR.
DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY.
I'LL GO IN AND SEE WHAT THEY HAVE.
YOU LOOK THROUGH THIS, DEAR.
REMEMBER, SOMETHING SIMPLE WE CAN DO UP.
I'M WELL AWARE OF WHAT WE WANT, RICHARD.
OOH! WONDERFUL! AND-- OH! WHY DO YOU ONLY GET THE DETAILS ON BIG HOUSES? LOOK, I AM NOT GOING INTO AN ESTATE AGENT'S TO MAKE INQUIRIES ABOUT SOME POTTY LITTLE PROPERTY.
I HAVE MY PRIDE, RICHARD.
THEN I'LL GO IN NEXT TIME.
BUT MAKE SURE THERE'S ROOM FOR ENTERTAINING.
WHATEVER SOR OF PROPERTY IT IS, I SHALL WANT I TO BE A SHINING LIGH OF CIVILIZATION IN THE RURAL WILDERNESS.
MIND THAT HERD OF COWS, DEAR.
- IT'S IN A FIELD.
- THEY MAY BE DUE FOR MILKING.
( mimics cow ) MMM-MINDING THE COW-OOS.
Elizabeth humming ) IT'S ONLY ME! DEE-DEE DEE-DEE-- HELLO, BROTHER MINE! ( singing continues ) YOU'RE PARTICULARLY CHEERFUL.
I'VE HAD A COFFEE-FREE MORNING-- NO HYACINTH.
LUCKY YOU.
HOW DID YOU WRANGLE THAT? I DIDN'T HAVE TO.
SHE WAS GOING OUT-- LOOKING AT PROPERTY.
( bangs keys ) "LOOKING AT PROPERTY"? IS THAT WHAT SHE SAID? - I THINK THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
- TRY TO REMEMBER! - YOU'RE SHAKING ME.
- I'M SORRY, LIZ.
BUT ARE YOU POSITIVE SHE SAID, "LOOKING AT PROPERTY"? HMM! THAT-- THAT MEANS SHE'S MOVING! HYACINTH IS MOVING! WELL, I ASSUMED IT WAS FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.
SHE CAN'T BE MOVING.
DON'T SAY THAT, LIZ.
NOT EVEN IN JEST.
YE GODS! HYACINTH MOVING.
I THINK THAT CALLS FOR A LITTLE DRINKIE.
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING OH, WHA A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN ABOUT AN HOUR, IF THAT'S CONVENIENT.
GOOD! JUST A MOMENT.
AND THE NAME IS? - B-U-- - "BOUQUET!" SPELLED "B-U-C-K-E-T.
" IT'S A MR.
AND MRS.
BUCKET.
"BOU-QUET.
" THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.
THEY'LL BE WITH YOU IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT HOW THE NAME IS SPELLED.
SHE'S WEARING A GREEN HAT.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN SHOW YOU? I'D LIKE PARTICULARS REGARDING THIS, PLEASE.
LET'S JUST LOOK AT COTTAGES.
THAT'S WHERE WE STARTED-- COTTAGES.
"OUR OWN LITTLE PLACE IN THE COUNTRY," YOU SAID.
I KNOW, BUT I WILL NOT HAVE THE AGENTS BELIEVING THAT'S ALL WE CAN AFFORD.
OH, THIS ONE LOOKS MORE MODEST.
IT DOESN'T LOOK MORE MODEST TO ME.
- NONSENSE.
MIND THE TREE, DEAR.
- THE TREE? I AM ON THE ROAD, THE TREE IS IN THE HEDGE.
BUT IT COULD BLOW DOWN.
THEY DO.
THEY'RE ALWAYS BLOWING DOWN.
MINDING THE TREE.
( birds chirping ) IT MAY SAY "TURN LEFT," BUT I CAN'T SEE THAT COTTAGE ANYWHERE.
SHALL WE ASK THE VILLAGE IDIOT? THAT FELLOW? DO YOU REALLY THINK HE'S THE RIGHT PERSON TO ASK? THERE'S NO ONE ELSE.
GOOD DAY TO YOU, MY GOOD MAN! COULD YOU DIRECT US? WE'RE LOOKING FOR "HONEYSUCKLE COTTAGE.
" HAR! I DON'T APPEAR TO BE GETTING THROUGH TO HIM, RICHARD.
HE'S CLEARLY DONATED HIS VOCAL ORGANS TO MEDICAL RESEARCH.
( loudly ) CAN YOU TELL US WHERE WE CAN FIND "HONEYSUCKLE COTTAGE"? OH, AYE-- ( garbled speech ) GO STRAIGH DOWN THE ROAD HERE ( garbled ) TAKE THE ROAD AND COME TO A FORK! BUT DON'T TAKE THE RIGHT-HAND FORK-- OH, YOU DON'T WAN THE RIGHT-HAND FORK.
IT GOES PAST THE PIG FARM.
( speech garbled ) LEFT-HAND FORK YOU GO PAST THE FARM ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE FURTHER THAN THAT.
FIRST LEFT AND YOU'RE THERE.
( cackles ) I THINK I CAUGH "FIRST LEFT.
" THEN FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, LET'S GO! THANK YOU! HE WAS LOOKING AT ME VERY ODDLY, RICHARD.
DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY COULD STILL BE EATING RAW MEA AROUND HERE? HYACINTH! BELIEVE ME, THOSE WERE NOT THE EYES OF A VEGETARIAN.
WELL HE WAS RIGH ABOUT FIRST LEFT.
PROBABLY JUST A WILD GUESS.
HE LOOKED A TRIFLE OFF THE LATCH TO ME.
HE KNEW IT WAS FIRST LEFT, SO HE CAN'T BE COMPLETELY OFF THE LATCH.
I'LL JUST PULL OFF THE ROAD.
HE WAS JUS STARRING AT ME AND GRINNING.
I DON'T SUPPOSE HE'S EVER SEEN A HAT LIKE MINE.
I HOPE ALL COUNTRY PEOPLE AREN'T GOING TO BE LIKE THAT.
IT WILL MAKE I VERY HARD WORK AT MY "MERRIE ENGLAND" BARBEQUES.
( humming ) WE MUST GE A MAYPOLE, RICHARD.
APPARENTLY THAT'S HOW COUNTRY FOLK AMUSE THEMSELVES.
I DO LIKE THE NAME-- "HONEYSUCKLE COTTAGE.
" IT'LL LOOK RATHER WELL ON OUR EMBOSSED PERSONAL NOTEPAPER.
YOU WANT MY OPINION? PRETTY BUT PRICEY.
WE'LL SEND OU INVITATIONS, RICHARD.
"THE BOUQUETS WILL BE ENTERTAINING THIS WEEKEND AT 'HONEYSUCKLE COTTAGE.
'" ( knocker taps ) OH YES, RICHARD, I LIKE IT.
WHERE IS THE NEIGHBOR WITH THE KEY? APPARENTLY, HE JUST LIVES AROUND THE CORNER.
WELL, COME ON, DEAR.
COME ON.
WHOOP! MIND YOUR TREAD, RICHARD.
MINDING MY TREAD.
( bleating ) WHAT IS IT? IT'S A GOAT.
YOU SEE HOW FAMILIAR YOU ARE WITH THE COUNTRY ALREADY? ARE THEY HOUSETRAINED? I SHOULDN' THINK SO.
OH-- JUST LIKE ONSLOW! ( goat brays ) ( gruff squealing ) RICHARD.
RICHARD! RICHARD! ( frantic honking ) COME ALONG, RICHARD.
THIS MUST BE IT.
- OH-HH! - ( dog growls softly ) ( thumping ) THIS MAKES ONSLOW'S PLACE LOOK LIKE A PALACE.
WHEN WE STOPPED IN THE CAR AND ASKED HIM DIRECTIONS, WHY DIDN'T HE TELL US HE HAD THE KEY? MAYBE HE DID.
COULD YOU UNDERSTAND A WORD HE WAS SAYING? I STILL CAN' UNDERSTAND A WORD HE'S SAYING.
( speaking gibberish ) TERRIBLE-- WHOA-HO ( gibberish continues ) RATS.
- DID HE SAY RATS? - I THOUGHT HE SAID "RATS.
" I THOUGHT I HEARD "WOODWORM.
" CAN ONE HEAR WOODWORM? SAY"WOODWORM.
" I THINK YOU'D BETTER GO IN FIRST, RICHARD.
INTO THE JAWS OF RATS AND WOODWORM.
CHARMING! LET'S HOPE IT'S THE RATS WHO'VE GOT THE WOODWORM.
DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
- WOODWORM? - ( speaking gibberish ) OH, YES! ONE COULD DO SOMETHING WITH THIS.
A LITTLE COTTAGE FURNITURE.
IDEAL FOR MY COUNTRY CREAM TEAS.
WE SHALL NEED A GRANDFATHER CLOCK, RICHARD.
FOR CREAM TEAS? FOR THE AMBIANCE, RICHARD.
OLD-WORLD ATMOSPHERE, DEAR.
YEAH, IT'S WOOD.
WELL, NATURALLY.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? BUT IT'S A PITY, IF THEY HAD BEEN PLASTIC, IT'D CONFUSED THE WOODWORM.
HMM? HOW OLD IS THE PLACE? ( speaking gibberish ) 1800, JANUARY.
YOU TRY.
LISTEN, JUST BECAUSE I RECOGNIZED A GOAT SHE'S NOT HOME YET.
THEY MAY HAVE FOUND SOMEWHERE.
YOU'RE GETTING A THING ABOUT THIS.
THEY PROBABLY WON' FIND THE RIGHT PROPERTY AT THEIR FIRST ATTEMPT.
PEOPLE SHOULD MAKE UP THEIR MINDS.
I DON'T SEE WHAT IS SO DIFFICUL ABOUT CHOOSING A PROPERTY.
SHE IS LOOKING FOR A PROPERTY, ISN'T SHE? OH, EMMET.
RELAX! HYACINTH SAID THEY WERE LOOKING AT PROPERTY.
THAT'S ALL I CAN TELL YOU.
IF SHE COMES BACK HERE WITHOUT FINDING A PROPERTY THEN THEN WE'LL HAVE TO HELP HER LOOK FOR SOMETHING.
HOW CAN WE HELP HER? WE'LL CIRCULATE ESTATE AGENTS WITHIN A 50-MILE RADIUS.
NO! NO, LET'S MAKE THA A 100-MILE RADIUS.
WE MUSTN'T MISS ANY OPPORTUNITY TO HELP.
I MEAN, WHAT ARE NEIGHBORS FOR? EMMET, WE CAN' DO THAT.
WE CAN'T INTERFERE WITH HYACINTH'S CHOICE.
I COULD-- ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S IN SUCH A GOOD CAUSE.
- WHAT GOOD CAUSE? - MY SANITY! OH, PLENTY OF CUPBOARD SPACE.
I CAN'T SAY I AM FINDING ALL THAT MUCH SPACE.
CAN'T-- CAN'T SEE ANY WOODWORM.
THERE ARE MORE PROBLEMS AROUND HERE THAN WOODWORM, DEAR.
( speaking gibberish ) COLD IN HERE - WHAT'S HE SAYING? - I DON'T KNOW, BUT I CAN FEEL EVERY SYLLABLE.
EXCUSE ME! ( chuckling ) A FINE BIG LASS.
WHERE? CHECK THE LOFT AREA CAREFULLY FOR PESTS, RICHARD.
NOT MUCH LIGH UP HERE.
AND IF YOU SHOULD SEE ANY WOODWORM, TRY TO SHOO THEM TOWARDS THE END OF THE BUILDING.
HOW DO YOU SHOO WOODWORM? INTIMIDATE THEM, DEAR, BY BANGING ON THEIR BEAMS.
IT'S VERY DUSTY AND THERE'S NOT A LOT OF ROOM TO MOVE.
REALLY? I'M A LITTLE RESTRICTED DOWN HERE! RICHARD, RICHARD, WOULD YOU COME DOWN, DEAR? - YES-- NOW! COMING! RICHARD! ( speaking gibberish ) AND FANCY SOCKS, TOO.
WHOA! RICHARD! OOP! RICHARD! RICHARD! ( speaking rude gibberish ) HOW DARE YOU, SIR, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME WHEN MY HUSBAND'S INCAPACITATED? - Man: OH, THE WIFE! ( speaking angry gibberish ) WELL, I'LL NO STAND FOR IT.
YOU AND YOUR FANCY WOMAN.
THE OLD COW! Yokel's wife: YOUR LAST WARNING! YOU GO HOME! ( yelling continues ) HELP! HELP! RICHARD! DO STOP MESSING ABOUT UP THERE, AND COME DOWN AT ONCE, DEAR.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY WOODWORM IN THIS BEAM-- IT FEELS HARD ENOUGH.
NOW LISTEN, I'M GOING TO LOCK MYSELF IN THE CAR.
THE WAY THAT YOKEL IS BEHAVING-- YOU'D THINK I WAS THE FIRS DELIRIOUS-- DESIRABLE WOMAN HE'S EVER SEEN.
NOW, COME ALONG, DEAR.
( yells ) HYACINTH! ( yelling continues ) ( door slams, yelling stops ) ( cow bellows, Hyacinth screams ) RICHARD! HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO WALK LIKE THAT? ( sadly ) PROBABLY FOREVER.
THIS IS NO TIME TO BE NURSING YOUR GRIEVANCES.
IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.
OW-OO! ( all bleating ) RICHARD! ( theme music playing )