Life in Pieces (2015) s04e04 Episode Script

Yum! Breakfast is so the most important meal of the day.
Especially because we are getting close to that due date.
Mm-hmm.
Have you been thinking about what your birth plan is? Um, to get it out? No, I mean, like, how you want it to go.
Or who you might, maybe, want with you in the delivery room.
Well, definitely not the father, or my boyfriend.
You know, twins can be so competitive.
Right.
Well, is there anyone you would like to maybe share this experience with? Nah.
I mean, I've gotten this far by myself.
Plus, I really don't want anyone looking at my vag.
Ugh, I can't believe she's shutting us out.
If I can't give birth, I wanted to at least be there when our daughter came into this world.
What if when we're driving Morgan to the hospital, we just, like, get stuck in traffic and she just has to have the baby in the car with us? Or, maybe, we don't go to the hospital at all.
My friend, Ruth, had her baby at her house.
On purpose? Yeah.
Lots of women do it.
And it guarantees that we'll be there.
You don't ask someone to leave their house when you're giving birth in it.
That's just tacky.
Eliza, home births sound fascinating.
Tell us about being a midwife.
Uh, well, I like to consider myself actually a spirit guide first, midwife second, and P.
E.
teacher third.
Isn't that fascinating? I specialize in water birth.
- It's very tranquil.
- Mm.
I've had many women in labor experience orgasm.
And one man.
That was uncomfortable.
COLLEEN: Ooh, an orgasm.
I'll have what you're gonna be having.
Colleen, stop.
So, do you bring everything that you need for a water birth? Like, I don't know, like, tarps? Oh, yeah, we bring everything.
Everything.
We can even customize the experience.
Oh, we had a mother who wanted to be surrounded by her family and friends.
And, to my knowledge, that had never been done before.
Doesn't that sound super extra fun? Okay, you know what, I'm just thinking here, but I think you should come in and see one.
What? (BREATHING DEEPLY) IMOGEN: Mm-hmm.
BOTH: Welcome.
Welcome to our home.
You'll notice that even though she's in active labor, Sasha is in a very serene place, right? And please, if you feel the need to chant or hum or sing, don't deny yourself that, huh? (EXHALES) Traffic on the way over here was really crazy.
I'm sorry, I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't know what to say right now.
Oh, are those cold cuts? (SASHA MOANING) Mm-hmm Oh, I think we're getting close.
I'm gonna do one last check.
- Ooh.
(EXHALES) - Okay.
Okay.
Sasha, please welcome me in.
I need verbal consent.
- You may enter.
- Okay, great.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Oh.
Forgot a napkin.
Okay, Team Miracle, it's time to get in that pool as one and leave as two.
Okay, right now, tranquility is really our friend.
- Are we calm? Great.
- Yeah.
Okay, great, let's do it.
- Okay.
- This is actually kind of cool.
- Yay.
(LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) Who knew having a baby could be so chill? (SCREAMING): No! No! Colleen, you said this would be super extra fun.
Well, it is! I mean, she just said, "Woo-hoo!" Like, is she in labor or is she on spring break? SASHA: Oh, the pain.
- Matt, you're missing it.
- Nah, I'm good.
- I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.
Oh, my God! The pain! It's so bad.
He's coming out teeth first! She's actually gonna die.
If I was her, I wouldn't I would want to die right now.
She does not want to die.
Please kill me.
That's the orgasm.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
SASHA: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Get it out.
- Okay, - Imogen, your queen is crowning.
- Oh, God.
There we go.
Matt, Matt.
Grab a leg, okay? Get in the tub.
- Okay.
- Oh, sweet Lord.
SASHA: Oh, my God! (MATT SCREAMS) - SASHA: Oh, God.
- (EXHALES) Man, that lady is in so much pain.
I think that was Matt.
I'm so sorry I made you watch that.
I don't know if I can do this.
It's okay.
If you want to have the baby in the hospital with drugs, by yourself, I totally support you.
No, I mean I just don't know if I can do this at all.
What? Of course you can.
- Y-You're stronger than you think.
- (SIGHS) Like you said, you've come this far on your own.
But what if I don't want to do it on my own? Would you and Matt please, maybe, just, would you be there with me? Really? I would love that.
We would love that.
Thank you.
I swallowed some of that water.
JENNA (IN DISTANCE): Most people appreciate them.
SAMANTHA: Well, I'm not most people! JENNA: Yes, you are.
You are so basic.
Oh, Sam and her friend Jenna are really going at it.
- SAMANTHA: Get out! - (WHISPERS): Ooh.
Here they come.
Sam's acting insane.
No offense.
I realize mental illness is genetic.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, so I guess you won't be staying for dinner.
(SIGHS): No.
I'll just take mine to go.
(DOOR CLOSES) Is she gone? She's outside eating her dinner like a raccoon.
Jenna's dead to me.
Oh, honey, what was the fight about? No, Mom, I think we should stay out of it.
She was using my Insta to catfish boys into sending her pics of their treasure trails.
What's Insta? What's catfish? What's treasure trails? There's no way I'm spending my whole summer working at the pool with her again.
Well, I think you're making a very grown-up decision.
God, Mom, not everything's fodder for comment.
(SIGHS) Honey, maybe you can help them make up.
No.
When the moms get involved, the daughters get pissed.
Well, I don't know if that's true.
You know, maybe you don't have to comment on every single thing that I say.
Oh, finally.
No more Jenna.
Sam is not gonna be held back by that deadweight loser.
I thought we were gonna talk about our daughter's problems after we fooled around.
We already did.
That was it? I still have my underwear on.
Yeah.
That was it.
Anyway, now Sam has her summer available, and she can do that internship at the art gallery.
Oh, I am so happy, I could do it again.
Do what again? Honey, it's so good of you to drive me to physical therapy.
- (PASSING HORN HONKS) - Oh! - (PHONE CHIMING) - Oh.
Oh, no, I've got it! I've got it.
Here we go.
Okay.
Um someone named "Mega-Bitch" has texted you five times.
That's Jenna.
You can delete them.
Oh, no, no, no, I would never.
Because I don't know how.
I had a mega-bitch in my life once.
Marion.
She was a dear friend, but we had a falling out.
A-About what? She copied my kitchen tiles, so I stopped speaking to her forever.
Over kitchen tiles? It just isn't done.
But you'd be surprised how quickly a friend can go from being dead to you to just being dead.
I-I know because Marion's now dead.
Wow.
That's actually really sad.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I-I won't go into details, but imagine the worst thing that can happen to you in a garden.
He's so hot.
- Oh, I know.
- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) Oh, I can't wait for us to work at the pool.
They told me we can refill the condiments this year.
Remember when we got so random with mustard? JENNA: That was insane of us.
Oh, and I bought a waterproof camera so we can take pictures of all the hot guys.
- Ugh, I wish boys were wet all the time.
- HEATHER: Jenna.
It's just, well, so good to see you.
Sam, could we talk for a second? - Hey.
- Hi.
I thought that you and Jenna were done.
We were, but then Mom-Mom told me about her super dead friend and it made me realize Jenna could be stabbed by a deranged drifter in her garden at any time.
- (TANK GROWLING) - Oh.
- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) - Tank.
Drop it! HEATHER: Mom? Mom, I told you not to meddle in Sam's life.
Oh, I know you were worried she wouldn't listen to me, but she was very receptive.
No, no, it's not that.
It's just that Jenna is a terrible influence on her.
And she has wasted every summer with that dud.
Then they finally have a falling-out, you come in with your "dead Marion" sob story, and you-you ruin everything.
Well, Marion was a true and a dear friend.
Oh, Mom, come on.
She stole your kitchen tile.
Okay, I have heard you say multiple times you're glad she's dead.
It just isn't done.
Honey, why don't you tell Sam how you feel about her friend? I didn't listen to you when I was a kid, and Sam is not gonna listen to me.
Sam isn't you, Heather.
She'll care about what you say.
What do you know? You think your eye cream is working.
Oh, you know what? - Don't waste your summer with Jenna.
- (SCOFFS) Find an internship somewhere.
Find your passion, I just I don't want you to lose out on your dreams because your best friend doesn't have any.
You don't get it.
- Your best friend is Dad.
- Oh - Oh, and Sophia! - (SCOFFS) Do you think that I don't know what it's like to be you? Hey.
I was you, okay? You don't think that I liked wet boys - when I was your age? - Oh, God.
- Mom, stop! - Huh? Hey! Hey! - I invented liking wet boys! - (DOOR SLAMS) And then she made me realize that my skin care routine was failing.
I told you that this would happen.
I felt sure she would listen to you.
(DOOR OPENS) Here we go.
I need you to sign this.
Well, what is it? It's an application for that art gallery internship.
Jenna's probably going to get fired from the pool, anyway.
She told me that she was going to tongue the guys when she gives them CPR.
She listened.
- I guess she does care what you think.
- (SIGHS) And now, instead of Jenna bringing Sam down, maybe Sam can pull Jenna up.
Or maybe Jenna will die in a garden.
(PHONE CHIMES) (GASPS) Ooh, yeah, Greg.
- Mommy likey.
- Ooh.
A midday sext.
Jen, you nasty.
- (CHUCKLES) - Oh, no, no.
It's a credit card alert.
Oh, then you just weird.
Yeah.
Greg just dropped some serious coin at this store I love.
Ooh, I bet it's my push present.
Wait, isn't your present the baby? No, no.
It's something fancy you wear that reminds you of the baby.
Oh.
Well, what if you have a C-section? Then you wouldn't get a push present.
Colleen, please.
He already bought it, and I'm getting it.
Hey, you.
Hey.
You know, I'm-I'm not sure what this smile is, but it sure beats you just staring at me until I apologize for something I didn't know I did.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's a different stare.
This is a love stare.
Yeah.
And I-I think I see the difference.
Okay.
Um, I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
(CHUCKLES) - Yeah.
I'm gonna watch you go.
Hi.
Thank you so much for babysitting Lark.
Mm! No trouble.
No.
Done with the windows.
- (GASPS) - W-Was she cleaning your windows? Oh, she's play cleaning.
Yeah, you did such a good job on the windows, Lark.
Do you want to try the toilets? Yes.
Yeah, don't forget your scrubby puppet.
Oh, she's having so much fun.
Oh, hey.
This is nice.
Yeah, I was gonna say that you're glowing, - but I think it's just the jacket.
- Thank you.
It's my push present from Greg.
I mean, he didn't give it to me, but I found it, and I couldn't resist sneaking it out for a test drive.
(GASPS) I wish I had one of these.
Yeah, the only jacket that Tim's ever given me is a Flonase-branded windbreaker.
Oh.
Well, you should get one.
- No, really? - Yeah.
- Oh, God, well, then we'd be like twins.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I mean, you know - Yeah.
the kind of twins that would make sure not to wear it on the same day.
(LAUGHS): Oh, well, that would be ridiculous.
Or it would bond us like sisters in a way that I've always wanted.
- Yeah.
- You're right.
It would be ridiculous.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) - (LAUGHS) Lark! - (DOOR OPENS) - Hey.
Thanks for watching Lark again.
I don't know what Jen said to our babysitter, but she's not returning our calls anymore.
(LAUGHS): Oh, no way.
I bought Mom that same jacket for her birthday.
You-you bought Mom a jacket like this for her birthday? Not Jen? Why would you think I bought that jacket for Jen? Because Jen thinks that you bought that jacket for Jen.
She knows about it, Greg.
She thinks that's her push present.
Push present? Why would she get a push present? It's our second kid.
What do you think? That you push on the first one and the rest just fall out? Yeah, good point.
I got to fix this.
(VACUUM WHIRRING) Uh, why is my daughter vacuuming? Oh, Greg, no come on.
She's play vacuuming.
Yeah! So fun, right, Lark? You know what's really fun? When you get right under the couch.
Yes! Yes! Okay, don't scuff the legs, okay? I am so glad that you love your jacket.
- I do.
I don't ever want to take it off.
- Yeah.
So tell me, was it a surprise? Such a surprise.
Okay.
Well, happy push gift.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
You know, 'cause second babies don't just fall out.
Fall out? Fall out of where? JEN: Oh, look.
You did the thing we both agreed not to do.
Oh, I know.
God, I know.
I'm so bad.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, wow.
Twins.
That's fun.
That's not.
Oh! Oh, look at us.
We're like the Pink Ladies, except our jackets are black.
- We're the Black Ladies.
- No.
Yeah, I'm gonna go get Santa hats, and we'll do the Christmas photo right now.
HEATHER: Clever fix, Greg.
You just made it worse.
What did you make worse, Greg? Look, I know that this looks bad, it's just, I got the jacket for Mom first.
All right? And I told her that she was getting it before I realized that you wanted one.
So you told her about the gift before you gave it to her? Well, yeah, I always do, because I worry about her and surprises.
But not you.
I don't have to worry about you and surprises, which is why I got you another one.
Check your pocket.
What? Greg.
You got me something else? What is this? This a, uh, this a freshener? JOAN: Oh, my! (GASPS) Greg hid a bracelet in my pocket, and it's engraved.
"To the most beautiful mom, I love you forever.
" Oh, my darling.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) (EXHALES) Why don't you go breathe in your own house and stop sprinting across the street and eating my leftovers? I drove over here.
I'm a little out of breath because of all the steps you got leading up to your front porch.
There's just one.
Mm-mm.
I'm counting your welcome mat as a step.
When was the last time you saw a doctor? Well, last time I looked in the mirror, so Monday.
No, no, no.
When was the last time you had a physical? Eh, doctors don't really get physicals.
You know, after 40, you should get them annually.
And if you ask, they'll send you a postcard.
Sometimes it's nice to get mail.
I like getting mail.
Me, too.
(GRUNTING) I sweat through the paper.
(CHUCKLES) Feel like a giant Italian hoagie, Mike's Way.
(LAUGHS) Ooh, that reminds me what I'm gonna have for lunch today.
Burger.
Okay.
Breathe in.
- (INHALES) - Breathe out.
(WHEEZING EXHALE) Is that, is that enough? Or do we need more? - Keep going.
- Okay.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) Dr.
Tim Hughes.
What's the good news? Tim, it's Dr.
Chilada.
Hey, Gwen.
We got your tests back.
I have some tough news.
You have a critical blockage in your left anterior descending artery.
I need you to get to the ER immediately.
Tim? (HEART BEATING) (HORN HONKS) - Tim? - (TIRES SCREECH, HORN HONKS) - Yeah.
Uh - Come on, idiot! (CLEARS THROAT) Yep.
I'm here, I'm here.
(CHUCKLES) Sorry, I'm on my way to my daughter's, uh, soccer game.
She's a goalie.
I don't know if I told you that.
But she's got her dad's catlike reflexes.
(CHUCKLES) (TIRES SCREECH, HORN HONKING) Get to St.
Joe's right now.
I'll let them know to expect you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER, CHEERING) Whoo! What did the doctor say? I don't know, John.
What did the doctor say? I'm not telling you a joke, you dummy.
I'm asking about your health.
(YAWNS): Yeah, it's just your, uh, everyday critical blockage of the left anterior descending artery.
You mean the widow-maker? What are you doing, Tim? You need to be in the ER, like, yesterday.
Sure, John, I'll just fire up the old time machine.
(LAUGHS) Trust me, I'm fine.
Are you seriously eating that? Hmm? Are you asking because you know it's not mine or because you saw it fall on the ground? This is a medical emergency.
- Look, I'll drive you to the hospital.
- Uh-uh.
I'm not gonna miss Sam's game.
Doctors are wrong all the time.
Come on, what-what are the chances that my grandfather, my uncle, my dad, and I all have the same problem? (LAUGHS) Very low.
(CHEERING) Hey, Dad.
Hey, there she is! My little soccer star.
Oh.
I let 12 goals in.
It's already the highest scoring game of the season.
And you were a part of it.
(SIGHS) I'm so proud of you.
There you are out there, just living your life to the fullest, seeing the world.
You got to get out there and find yourself a good guy who treats you right and makes you laugh, right, Sam? - (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) - Above all, he's got to make you laugh.
Okay, Dad.
- Um, are-are you done? - (WHISTLE BLOWS) No.
No, honey, I'm not done, no.
I'm gonna be around for a long, long time.
- Don't you worry.
(CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) You get out there and soccer it up, all right? - (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Aw.
- Hey there, buddy.
- (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Let me buy you some ice cream.
Yes.
Yes, that sounds good.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, a little ice cream just what I need to get this pizza cheese moving.
Oh, really hard to decide.
Well, you can have two.
Yes! Two Choco Tacos, please.
- (EXHALES) - (WHISTLE BLOWS IN DISTANCE) (CHEERING IN DISTANCE) TIM: Paramedics? How could you? And I was gonna give you a bite of my Choco Taco, too.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV) - (GIGGLES) - Tim.
- Hey, babe.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
Oh, I'm fine.
They just put in a stent.
What were you thinking? He was in denial.
Hey, I'm the doctor here.
I was in denial.
But your dad saved my life.
Thank you, John.
Yeah, I'm damn good in a crisis.
How's Sam doing? Oh, she's okay.
I told her her dad was having a heart attack and she had to walk home.
Dad!