Live at The Apollo (2004) s04e04 Episode Script
Dara O'Brain, Frankie Boyle
MUSIC: "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet This programme contains adult humour.
Ladies and gentlemen please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O'Briain! CHEERING Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you? Thank you.
Welcome to another Live At The Apollo.
My name is Dara O'Briain.
We're here for another showcase of some of the finest stand-up talent that the UK has currently working.
Stand-up, as ever, will be a fantastic collections of moments.
That's what stand-up does best.
Those crazy moments that can't be repeated in any other art form.
I'll give you an example.
I was on tour during the year and I was in Derby and there were three guys in the front row.
Guy there, guy there, guy there.
I spoke to that guy, as you do.
"How are you? What's your name? "What do you do?" The man explained to me he was a performance analyst for the Nottingham police force.
One of those ridiculous modern jobs that nobody knows what it means, right? I said, "Really?" I had a bit of a chat, moved on, skipped the guy in the middle and went to that guy and said, "What do you do?" Your man goes, "I'm a lorry driver "but at the weekends I play Robin Hood in a tourist attraction called the Robin Hood Experience.
" So we had a bit of craic at the whole "thwang" element of all of that.
I was about to move on when I thought, "What am I doing? "I've got Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham sitting together in the front row.
" I had a bit of a craic with the two of them and then moved on, finished the first half and came back for part two.
I was just starting to do the part-two stuff when the first bloke, the copper bloke, does this, waving.
No-one waves at you when you're on stage.
There's rarely a situation where you have to stop the guy telling the jokes, right? He waves at me and I went, "What?" He points to the guy in the middle, the guy I hadn't even spoken to, and goes, "Ask him his name.
" LAUGHTER I'm going, "What the?" I went to the guy and said, "What's your name?" And your man kind of gingerly goes, "Erit's Arthur Merryman.
" LAUGHTER Genuinely, without any setting up, I had Robin Hood, the Sheriff of Nottingham and the Merry Men sitting in the front row.
Who knows if we'll have anything as glorious.
We will possibly be having a chat with you.
They sprinkle these audiences, for some ludicrous reason, with, in MASSIVE quotation marks, some of you, "famous faces".
MASSIVE in here! Coming in here bumping your way up a couple of lists.
You're not! Get back down to D.
LAUGHTER There's even a local hero here, James DeGale apparently.
Where is he? Good to have you here, James.
James, you're a local, aren't you? Yeah.
You're a Hammersmith boy.
Have you got the gold medal on you? No.
No, good man yourself, that's wise.
It's a bit tacky, you know what I mean? Man, you're from Hammersmith, you won a gold medal.
Look at yourself, you're now back in Hammersmith.
What a journey! You're the only boxer who fought his way back into the ghetto.
LAUGHTER James, you're not even saying anything, you're just eyeing me up for weaknesses, aren't you? Anywhere about me will be fine.
Are you looking forward to 2012? Yeah.
Are you gonna win? Yeah.
Are you gonna win big? In many ways, by the way, in the 2012 Olympics, Ireland are the winners of the 2012 Olympics because we don't have to pay for it.
Thanks for that.
I'm saying that, but I live down the road and my council tax is as much as anyone's.
They're paying for the Olympics with council taxes! It'll be held bi-weekly.
So Who else do we have? Hazel Irvine, how are you? Where's Aggie, by the way? How are you? How clean is your house, Aggie? Is it a tip, I bet it is.
You never open your house up, Aggie.
You probably sit in a room flicking snot at a wall.
Cleanliness, vital, I understand that completely.
I've a massive I'm kind of with you because I know it's a major concern for people, just in terms of public health, that stuff be clean, clean, clean Here's my question for you, right.
Cos I'm not saying we're cleaning too much but whenwhen I'll do this melodramatic.
WHEN will we ever, Aggie, win the war on bacteria? We're up to 99.
9% now, according to the ads.
Surely there's only one, small final push that we can eradicate that last 0.
1% of bacteria which is clogging up our kitchen work surfaces at the moment.
And I mean the bad bacteria, not the good bacteria, no.
There's been some sort of propaganda war where we lured bifidus digestivum over to our team.
What happens if you poured Dettol into a Yakult? APPLAUSE Is there a massive explosion of bad bacteria and then one good bacteria left at the bottom of the pot going, "Thank you for saving me"? That whole bacteria stuff is rubbish of the highest order.
Any doctors in the room tonight? Genuinely cos there's 3,500 people here, there's bound to be a doctor.
Give me a cheer if there's a doctor beside you or if you are a doctor.
SCATTERED WHOOPS Or, better yet, if you play a doctor in EastEnders.
Somewhere Hello, how are you, good to have you here? Why don't we turn to you, right.
I'm on about spraying things and anti-bacterial stuff and 99.
9%, which we hear a lot of.
Real doctors, am I right in saying this, you shouldn't clean every surface in your house, am I right? Absolutely.
Good to have you here, my fake doctor friend.
Genuinely you shouldn't, for one simple reason, the reason that kids are getting eczema, more asthma.
You're not supposed to raise your kids in a non-bacteria environment.
You're supposed to actually let them get sick now and again.
It's ludicrous "Jesus, bacteria, don't let the kids into the kitchen! "There's bacteria in the kitchen!" Like we haven't evolved with bacteria.
Nonsense.
You've got to let them get sick now and again.
This, by the way, now sounds like the weirdest safety ad or public safety ad in the world.
You never finish a show like this and then I come back on the screen and go, "Well, we've all had a laugh tonight, haven't we? "But an important point must be made.
Is there bacteria in your house? "Pick up your kid and rub its face in it.
" Kids are supposed to get sick.
It's one of those things in this country you do a lot of, get people scared about bacteria.
"Don't leave the kids with the bacteria and don't let them "out the front door because there are murderers out there.
" "Where do the kids?" "In the hall.
That's where the kids stay.
" "When can I leave the hall?" "When you're 18.
Then you can do whatever you want.
"Until then, OK, you can go to the shops but make sure nobody follows you.
" "I shouldn't have let them do that.
I know, I'll follow them.
" LAUGHTER It makes literally no sense whatsoever, that's why there's so much How many people here are in their teens? WHOOPING The vast majority.
You get a really hard you just get appalling coverage in this country.
You'd think you were feral, the way the papers went on about you.
Genuinely, you'd think that every young person in Britain just walks with a hoodie up and a knife and a phone, taping it, just walking around.
Like some sort of ASBO Dalek of some description, lashing out and taping at the same time.
"Ha-ha! This'll go on YouTube.
" I think that's incredible harsh on young people.
They're good people.
Nothing wrong with you, right.
One difference, right, and one difference I suppose, maybe I do agree with the Daily Mail on one small point.
Right Although unlikely one small point is that one thing is different for young people now.
What age are you, my friend? You're 16 for example.
Look at you, fine strong face, proud young man, your whole journey ahead of you.
One small difference between your generation and previous generations.
Let's not embarrass you by saying this is about you, let's say it's about people younger, 12, 13, 14.
Kids of that age, thanks to the internet, digital technology and DVDs have seen more pornography than any generation in history.
I'm not, by the way, getting at them for that, I envy them that desperately! When I was 14 you have to wait until a guy in your class went to England on a family holiday and brought back a magazine.
The magazine was passed around the room like the Holy Grail, like the end of Raiders and you'd look at it and your head would melt.
That's how exciting it was to you.
"Oh, my God!" MIMICS EXPLOSION Like a Nazi, right.
You'd just waaahh! "They're all smooth! Unbelievable!" Right, so They've seen more pornography.
Not you, you're 16, you're way past that.
They've seen more pornography, 12, 13, 14, than any generation in history, and this is the scary thing, it's changing sex.
Not like a lizard, sorry.
That make it sound like "Hang on, he was a bloke.
Wait a minute! That was a guy in the previous scene.
" No Pornography is changing the physical act of sex, right.
Sex has kept us going as a species for, what, 10 billion years and one generation, thanks to the internet, wumpf, gone, completely different, right.
I presume, for the sake of argument, that none of you have seen a dirty film in your lives, all right? There are three differences between porn and sex.
One, people don't look like people, they look like weird kind of cartoon homunculi, weird things with bits that are bigger and unnaturally large and they're just not normal-looking things, right.
B, they're always really miserable.
People in pornography are always really angry as if they're getting no fun at all and this is terrible.
They're always, "Oh, I don't even like you.
" Generally grinding away in a kind of a "this'll teach you, I'm doing this to spite you" kind of a way, right.
And three, porn ends in a filmic way.
It doesn't end like sex ends.
We all know how sex ends because that's how the species keeps going, right.
Porn ends in a way, in a kind of a moment, right.
A kind of atah-dah! It's there to show that it actually took place.
There's a kind of a "There you go.
" Never with the words, "There you go.
" LAUGHTER But there's a kind of a "And now, how do you go.
" Listen, if you don't know what I mean, the mime alone, surely you're getting the idea.
And that's what 12-year-olds, 13, 14 think sex is, and that's gonna change sex.
Maybe they'll learn or maybe we'll have a genuine problem in about 20 years time when the NHS is just crushed under the weight of couples coming in going, "We can't conceive.
" LAUGHTER And doctors going, "OK, well, what are you doing?" And they're going, "Oh, we do what we've always done, "we mush around for a while, get kind of get angry at each other and then I pull out and jizz on her tits.
" LAUGHTER I think kids get a really rough deal out of it, generally, whatever, but teachers equally.
Are there any teachers in the room? Yeah! What age do you teach, by the way? Big, small, little, whatever.
Everything! Everything.
What are you, some sort of a guru, do they come to you Do you sit on a mountain top and no matter what age, from two to 65, "I have lessons for you.
"I can teach you things that no man has ever heard before.
Come to me, do you wish to learn?" "Well, no, actually I'm a shop delivery man but tell us what you have to say anyway.
" Everything? From four to 11, eight to 12, where? From four to 18.
It really is just everything, right.
What, do you breeze in Are you a member of any staff or do you drop in to kids and just go, "Right, quick, she's out the door, lock the door, right.
I'm gonna tell you what really happens.
"All right, this is the situation.
" Is it right, by the way, that chalk has gone? Chalk has gone.
It's interactive dry whiteboards, am I right in saying that? Yes.
"That's right, yeah.
" You're just gonna say "yeah" in the hope that I go away at this stage.
Yes, teachers I have a sympathy for, simply because one of the great weapons in disciplining children Maybe the Daily Mail's right.
Maybe kids have gone wild, for one reason - there's no blackboards.
How many of you went to school when there was a blackboard with chalk? CHEERING Gonegone in a generation.
Interactive, dry whiteboards now.
They write the whole thing and it appears on the screen.
That's apparently the way of the future.
I see a problem.
It's very difficult to discipline children using an interactive screen.
Incredibly difficult to do, whereas chalk was magical.
If a child misbehaved in the class, you just got two dusters and you banged them together.
A huge cloud would appear between you and the child.
Then you punched them in the face! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And when the dust gathered and when it all settled down and you're looking at the child going, "My nose!" You just go, "Did the cloud monster get you?" "Oh, no! "He's very angry.
He doesn't like talking in class, the cloud monster, no.
" You will never hear a word from that child again.
They also don't come in on days when there's fog.
But that's kind of a .
.
an unfortunate by-product of it all.
So anyway, sorry Aggie, hello.
Another famous person, Julia Bradbury fromnot Crimewatch, the other one.
Watchdog.
Watchdog, that's it! I wouldn't want to get the wrong one in case you clamped down on me.
Ladies and gentlemen, please, the fantastic work they do.
Fabulous work.
Legendary Loving the work, loving the work Watchdog does in hassling small businesspeople.
There's nothing like it.
"What are you doing making a profit taking money from old people?" "I, er" "You're a monster!" Do you know what you should give out about? This is a touring comic, and I've travelled around.
Psychics We do! Do you? We do.
They're glorious, aren't they? They're almost funny.
As con artists go, they are the funniest con artists in the countryside.
By the way, I will say into any camera, if there's any psychics there thinking, "Oh, I'll sue," I'd love to see you sue.
Could you imagine a court case against a psychic? "Do you have any witnesses?" "They're all around.
" How much fun would that be? "Tell me, my old Uncle Kevin, who no-one can see but I can see, "did this woman malign you?" "Yes, she did," says the invisible man.
It would be glorious.
If you ever had any idea of going, it's nonsense.
It's just people standing up going, "John, Julia, James "Gillian, Jo, Joe, Kevin, Mary whatever, Bob.
" It's nonsense, right.
There's a woman who, for legal reasons, I'm not allowed to say what her name is, right.
Is there a barrister in the room, by the way? Do we have a barrister here? Yeah.
Sorry, who? You are? What's your name, champ? Mark.
Mark, what do you do? Trainee solicitor.
So you don't get to appear in court, do you? No.
That's the whole fun of it though.
That'll be the gas, just appearing, doing the walk in front of the jury.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury" That'd be the real gas of it all.
You don't get that? No.
Here, let me try your instincts though.
Maybe you made the right decision.
When you get to the end of a jury, right, you're walking along and you get to the end, right.
The jury's here, which way should you turn? Back on yourself.
Like this? Yeah.
That's why you wouldn't have made a good barrister.
Just that moment there.
If you're ever representing yourself, walking along, "Blah, blah, blah" Your instinct will be to go, "Blah, blah, blah," and at the end go "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
" "Blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah, blah.
" Wrong! This is the way you do it.
"Blah, blah, blah "But I ask you, when you look into the face of my client, ask yourself, is he not "not guilty? That's how you do it, right.
A little bit of showbiz, take it for free.
Anyway, this nameless psychic was on recently Completely true story.
.
.
was on a couple of days before me in a theatre somewhere, right, and died roaring, couldn't do it.
To the point where the audience turned, they were looking at her going, "You can't do this.
"You're actually bad at this.
" They started taking the mickey.
They started going Give me a name, give me a woman's name.
Tracey.
Tracey, perfect.
Let's call her Tracey, right.
And the audience started going, "Tracey, what about my mother?" And Tracey would go, "Is she dead?" And they'd go, "No.
" Another voice said, "Tracey, what about my sister?" The woman goes, "Is she dead?" They'd go, "No.
" Eventually it was, "Tracey, what about my father?" She goes, "Is he dead?" The voice goes, "Yeah!" And she went, "Oh, nowsomething is coming through.
Something is coming through.
" And the voice goes, "Ah, no, he's here, sorry.
" LAUGHTER They're glorious.
They're fantastic, fabulous people.
We've had a chat with Aggie, we've talked to James, Julia there.
Er, the one person I really wanted to talk to was Melissa from The Property Show.
Where is that? Hello, how are you? How's yourself, good to have you here.
You do the property shows on BBC daytime, don't you? I do.
Well, you did.
What are you gonna do next year? Not so much in the property now, is there? That's a kind of a topical one there, isn't it? I was just thinking What, what? Are you gonna do a show called We're Staying Here? Or, Actually The Schools Aren't That Bad.
Do you know what my favourite is? My absolute favourite, the best of all, right.
Not Grand Designs, not Location, Location, with respect, not Homes Under The Hammer.
Property Ladder is the greatest property show in the world, right.
For one simple reason, right.
Property Ladder, you know the one I mean? Yeah! Very good.
Almost the greatest television show because uniquely, historically, it's the only television show, ever, that has an expert that nobody pays a blind bit of notice to.
Every week Sarah Beeny comes in and goes, "Magnolia," and they go, "Ah, no, we're painting it black.
" Every week she's going, "No, no, please what are you doing there?" "We're digging a hole in the hallway to put a swimming pool in.
" "What?!" She must be off camera going, "Why am I even here?! "They don't even listen to a word I say! "Every week I give advice and then they make a big profit "and they think they're as good as me.
Well, they're not!" And she's in, she's out, she's in, she's out.
It's a continuity disaster area, it really is, yeah.
I'm not saying anything against her being pregnant but it does kind of give away how long it takes these people to do a bit of basic plumbing.
In the time it's taken them to plaster the back bedroom she's had four kids.
Just stick her in a poncho in episode one and be done with it, all right.
Make her Mexican, she can do the accent.
Come in on a donkey going, "So you want to develop the property, yes? "Perhaps you'd like to knock through the wall and make this into a separate bedroom.
"Many, many pesos for you if you can possibly do that.
" Listen, we're gonna bring out a headline act, ladies and gentlemen.
He's a very good friend.
I've been working with him for a number of years.
I've seen him grow from just a tiny child, from a small, shy boy into one of the finest stand-up comedians this country has.
I call him the dark heart of Mock The Week.
I'd imagine many people will after you've seen him.
Ladies and gentlemen, could you please give it up for the one and only Mr Frankie Boyle.
CHEERING Hello! Hello! You've made an effort tonight, haven't you, little fella? Looks like someone shaved a monkey and kicked it through Top Man.
I like this as well, buddy.
You've got your trousers pulled up so tight you've got one of those ball vaginas.
Did you see Amy Winehouse in the paper this week? My God, she looks like a campaign poster for neglected horses.
We're quite tolerant of mutant celebrities, aren't we? David Coulthard with that big jaw thing.
D'you reckon when he goes down on his wife it feels like she's being rescued by a dolphin? Ann Widdecombe says that she's a virgin for religious reasons.
LAUGHTER The reason being that God made her incredibly ugly.
LAUGHTER John Prescott, you're talking about a guy who's so fat, he can't wear a belt and a tie on the same day or he'll turn into sausages.
Recently, I was getting interviewed on a sofa with Macy Gray.
The dream team! The interviewer goes, "Have you ever been a groupie?" and Macy Gray, quite bizarrely, says, "Yes, "for the actor Clive Owen and the basketball player Michael Jordan.
" The interviewer said, "I hope that was on different nights.
" And I said, "At the very least, I hope they were at opposite ends, Macy.
" Macy Gray doesn't have a sense of humour! Youse worried about the credit crunch? I like the new advert for the Halifax.
It's just Howard hanging himself in a bathroom.
It's a bit sick us getting worried when there are people in the world starving.
Things are going to have to get pretty bad before we can't afford to shop at Lidl.
I once did my entire weekly shop at Lidl in exchange for an amulet made from cat's teeth.
I saw Gordon Brown talking about it last night.
Gordon Brown looks terrible.
He looks like a sad face somebody's drawn onto their scrotum.
Alastair Darling, I don't trust either.
I don't trust anyone whose hair and eyebrows don't match.
I keep wondering what his pubes look like.
I wouldn't be surprised if he opened his flies and it was a big bunch of daffodils.
He looks tired as well.
Then, he does have to commute in every day from Tracy Island.
Brown says he wants to bring in super ASBOs.
That sounds too cool.
Super ASBOs - teenagers are going to want those.
They should call them GAYBOs or bender badges.
Brown says we need a national debate about whether Margaret Thatcher gets a state funeral.
The only debate most people are having is whether or not she needs to be dead before we bury her.
A £3 million funeral.
For that money, you could buy everybody in Scotland a shovel and we'd dig a hole so deep that we could hand her over to Satan personally.
George Bush says now he's retiring, he will make his living from speaking.
Play to your strengths there, George! That's like Abu Hamza having a career doing shadow puppets.
Did anyone see the survey they did in America that said Osama bin Laden is now more famous than Michael Jackson? You think, "Yeah, but he puts a lot less effort into his videos.
" Poor old Michael Jackson has to live out the life of a Scooby-Doo villain.
Hanging around an abandoned funfair wearing a plastic face.
Catherine Zeta Jones lives in LA, but she has bottles of air imported from Wales.
When I want my house to smell like Wales, I just kick my dog until it farts.
It's weird the Beckhams went to LA - the home of stalkers.
They were always worried about being kidnapped.
She'd be the perfect kidnap victim.
Imagine how cheap it would be to send her body parts back to the post.
What does he see in her? It must be like shagging a xylophone.
People fancy Sarah Palin.
"Governor of Alaska" is an incredible title.
Governor, serious and important, Alaska, shit.
It's like being voted most handsome manin the burns unit.
Being an international footballer for Scotland.
Glasgow was in the news recently, the scaremongering story that North Korea have missiles that can hit America.
It turned out the part of America the missiles could reach was Alaska.
Who is going to nuke the Eskimos? You could take out one of their cities with a three-bar fire and a bag of salt.
A lot of scaremongering goes on.
Did you see that guy they jailed a couple of months ago, Osama bin London? Is that the stage it's got to - tribute acts? The Sun, without irony, described him as Abu Hamza's right-hand man.
We've got Barack Obama as president.
Incredible when you consider he has the worst name you could have in American politics.
Obama, halfway between "Osama" and "a bomber".
He might as well be called Muslim O'Gun-bomb.
He's not just popular with black Americans, but with white Americans because they think he's Tiger Woods.
He came to Berlin and got a standing ovation from 20,000 people.
Let's not forget the last man to get a standing ovation from 20,000 people in Berlin was the most evil man in history.
David Hasselhoff.
Did he see his first speech after the election? They put bullet-proof glass up in front of him.
That shows you how racist America still is.
Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.
How are you doing, little fella? You look a bit trendy for this crowd.
The rest of it looks like the cantina scene from Star Wars.
What's your story, what do you do? A barman.
A barman? Yes.
If you keep smiling, that doesn't mean I'll move along! I like what you've done with your hair, man.
You look like a moderately powerful Pokemon.
Are youse looking forward to the Olympics in London? AUDIENCE MUTTER LAUGHTER That's a fairly firm "no".
A low zombie groan.
Urrrrrrghhh.
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London.
It means the athletes'll have to use extra skill to work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starting pistol.
Glasgow has the Commonwealth Games.
Be good to finally see an international athletics event where the crowd fail a drugs test.
I'm looking forward to our opening ceremony.
Seeing them lighting that torch from a smouldering Ford Focus.
You want to see more drugs in sport? I want to see a lot more drugs in sport.
Do you want to see someone running the 100 metres in 9.
78 seconds, or do you want to see them running it in three seconds? I don't want to see Dwain Chambers running on steroids, I want to see him running with the legs of a kangaroo and the heart of a leopard.
I would see him run so fast that halfway through the race, he disappears like the car from Back To The Future, reappears at the finish line as an old man shouting, "Beware China!" and then crumbles into dust.
Usain Bolt won that race in 9.
69 seconds.
I can't do anything in that time.
It took me 10 seconds to watch him do that.
He won that race slowing down.
How galling is that for the other runners? The only way it could have been worse would've been if he'd stopped before the finish line, got his camera phone out and gone, "Hurry up, I'm trying to get us all in this one.
" Michael Phelps was too good as well.
It's gonna be boring at the London Olympics unless we make Phelps swim in the conditions the British swimmers had to train in.
Let's see how good he is once he has to get past a fat guy doing widths.
What was disappointing about the Olympics was the female athletes are now so fast, it's almost impossible to crack one off over the course of a race.
I had to pick a woman quite early on in the hurdles and hope she fell.
That's a joke, but it's also what I actually did.
The great thing in Scottish football games at Hampden where you're not allowed to bring food into the ground and they search you when you go in to make sure you've not got food on you.
It's nice to see we've got our priorities right.
"What's this, son, a knife? "I hope you weren't planning on making sandwiches.
" We are a brutal culture.
Did you see the story of the head that got washed up on a beach in Arbroath? It was children that found it, which I thought was particularly sad because you know there will have been a point when they'll have thought that was someone buried up to their neck in the sand, then the next day, the limbs get washed ashore in a suitcase.
The people of Arbroath were in shock.
They'd never never seen a suitcase before.
I heard a brilliant Scottish story the other day.
My pal is a magician.
He does magic at weddings.
He did a wedding a couple of weeks ago where the groom was wearing a kilt and for the photos, he sat on the bride's knee and left a skid mark on her dress.
Somewhere in there is an incredible advert for Daz.
I was trying to think of what is the shittest Scottish town, which obviously took me a while.
I decided it was Coatbridge.
If you ever get a chance to go there, go.
It's like Blade Runner without the special effects.
Basically, the town's pride took a knock recently when they found out the people of Ethiopia were holding a rock concert for them.
There is a beautiful detail I think encapsulates the place.
Last time I was there, they had one takeaway restaurant which is a Chinese called by Bon Appetit.
I read a great thing the other day.
Scientists are going to start treating alcoholism with LSD.
That's going to make tramps very different people.
"Any spare change, pal? I've got a unicorn to feed.
" Have you heard this science thing that the human female has exactly the same pheromone scent as an orang-utan female? It was news to me.
I'll never wear a blindfold again.
She told me she was a Geordie.
Viagra is overrated.
Viagra takes half an hour to have any effect.
I often find in that time, the woman has managed to wriggle free.
Have you ever heard that if you put a frog into boiling water, it'll jump out, but if you put it into cold water, and heat the water up, the frog won't realise and it'll die? To put it another way, scientists have got a lot of time on their hands.
"Shall we have a go at curing cancer?" "No, I'm going to see how many Fruit Pastilles it takes to choke a kestrel.
" Got all these environmental problems now.
Apparently in 20 years' time, Norwich will be completely underwater, and the locals are delighted because they'll finally get a chance to use their webbed feet and hands.
A lot of stuff's bad for the environment, isn't it? 4x4s are just too big, aren't they? I mean, often now, when I'm out dogging I find I have to stand on someone's shoulders just to get my balls onto the windshield.
Ryanair are getting a hard time from the environmental lobby cos they want to introduce an £8 flight to New York.
Although, as always with Ryanair, it does land slightly outside New York in Dublin.
Did you see Kerry Katona on This Morning? That was one of the saddest, one of the very saddest wanks that I've ever had.
She's got a new perfume out, and it must be good, cos it looks like she's drinking about four bottles a day.
I think Grand Designs is going to be brilliant during the credit crunch.
"I've got a budget of £4.
"Thought I might paint the door.
" So patronising, those property programmes, aren't they? I saw one.
This is true.
It said, "If someone's coming round to view your house, remember, open the curtains and tidy up.
" Oh, thanks for that, guys.
I was planning on redecorating using diarrhoea pills and stencils, and then shaving the word "welcome" into my dog's back.
That's a joke.
I don't have a dog, obviously.
Having pets is tragic.
Having a pet is basically saying, "Hey, I've tried to find love among my own species "and I've failed.
" Is there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog shit? I suppose someone maybe without a dog.
I don't know.
Vet - that looks like a good job.
I don't know how long I could be a vet before I got bored and started shagging stuff.
I'd shag an owl.
.
cos it could give you eye contact whatever position you've taken.
Or shag a kitten.
Imagine having sex with something you actually wanted to cuddle afterwards.
What I'm actually most into myself is leather.
Well, I say leather, I mean, older women.
I do love old people, and do you know what? It's sick that we live in a country where the Government will bail out banks and bankers.
They won't make sure that old people can survive the winter.
So what I told my gran, I told her to change her name by deed poll to Mrs HBOS and say that she pissed all her money away at the bingo.
Sure enough, the next day, a cheque turns up for £5 billion! Now she's got her heating up full blast and it should last about two weeks.
I'll try and think if I've got any cheerful jokes at all.
Yes, as a man, never get a Brazilian, because when you get a hard-on, you'll look like a sundial at noon.
How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage? Another two, if I move my bike.
The smoking ban's really taken off in Scotland.
Every pub, no matter how shit, now has tables and chairs outside.
Basically, Glasgow looks like Paris after a nuclear war.
The best ads are those anti-drinking adverts.
They're like the least effective adverts ever.
There's always a drunk woman tottering about on high heels or a drunk woman falling over.
I always watch those and I go, "That's right.
"There are drunk women out there.
I'll get my coat on.
" Did you see the story of the refugees who were found in a raft, and they'd survived on the raft for two weeks by eating the other people who'd died? They said if things had got any worse, they were going to open the fridge full of Ginsters pasties.
You can eat roadkill.
Have you seen this? My pal got me a recipe book for roadkill.
So I got some roadkill, I followed the recipe, it was delicious.
I still don't know what to do with his bike.
Political correctness has changed everything, hasn't it? Apparently at Christmas now, we're not supposed to say "fairy lights" any more, cos it might be homophobic.
Apparently now, we've got to call them "poof lanterns".
It's not politically correct to talk about women who wear veils.
I don't care if they wear a veil or not.
It's when you see them in London, taking photos of each other as tourists.
What's the point? "Could you take that one again? I blinked.
" I think it's important for women not to let men tell you what's attractive, cos men don't know what's attractive.
Belly-button piercings aren't sexy.
Men just think they're sexy because it reminds them of the staple in a porno mag.
I like the way men lie and go, "Oh, I couldn't sleep with younger women.
"I mean, what would you talk to them about afterwards?" I don't know, how they're planning on getting home? I've got kids now.
I've got a wee boy.
He's just turned one.
Starting to get a bit sick of him, to be honest.
I went to the birth and it really did bring home that whole wonder, I suppose, miracle, that is contraception.
Watching a birth is like watching the deleted scenes from Platoon.
I've got a wee girl as well.
She's four.
You know what people don't tell you? Kids are a fantastic way of meeting women.
A real conversation starter, especially if you get 'em little cute tops, saying "Future DJ", that kind of thing.
So my daughter's four.
I've got her a lovely little pink top that says "My Mummy's Dead".
You know, the brilliant thing with kids is, sometimes, you're just in that kid mode, and you don't even have them with you, and you'll just say things that have never been said in human history.
I went to the supermarket recently.
I didn't have the kids with me, but I was in that mode.
And I picked up the cheese and went, "Hello, Mr Cheese.
" And this guy beside me got really angry cos he thought I was talking to him.
And I had to turn to this guy and go, "I wasn't talking to you, pal.
"I was talking to the cheese.
" I was having breakfast with my daughter a couple of months ago.
This is true.
My daughter goes, "Daddy, what's the best thing in the world?" I didn't even have to think about it.
I said, "Darling, you're the best thing in the world.
"I don't even have to think about it.
It's definitely you".
And she sat there for a bit and then she went, "For me, it's sausages.
" Hammersmith, it's been a pleasure.
Take care of yourselves.
Good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND WHISTLING I know.
I know, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "God, it's my child's eighth birthday coming up.
" That would be perfect for the kids' birthday party, wouldn't it? Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the end of our show.
Thanks for coming along from everyone at Live At The Apollo.
And from myself, Dara O Briain, from Frankie Boyle, we'll see you again.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Ladies and gentlemen please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O'Briain! CHEERING Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you? Thank you.
Welcome to another Live At The Apollo.
My name is Dara O'Briain.
We're here for another showcase of some of the finest stand-up talent that the UK has currently working.
Stand-up, as ever, will be a fantastic collections of moments.
That's what stand-up does best.
Those crazy moments that can't be repeated in any other art form.
I'll give you an example.
I was on tour during the year and I was in Derby and there were three guys in the front row.
Guy there, guy there, guy there.
I spoke to that guy, as you do.
"How are you? What's your name? "What do you do?" The man explained to me he was a performance analyst for the Nottingham police force.
One of those ridiculous modern jobs that nobody knows what it means, right? I said, "Really?" I had a bit of a chat, moved on, skipped the guy in the middle and went to that guy and said, "What do you do?" Your man goes, "I'm a lorry driver "but at the weekends I play Robin Hood in a tourist attraction called the Robin Hood Experience.
" So we had a bit of craic at the whole "thwang" element of all of that.
I was about to move on when I thought, "What am I doing? "I've got Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham sitting together in the front row.
" I had a bit of a craic with the two of them and then moved on, finished the first half and came back for part two.
I was just starting to do the part-two stuff when the first bloke, the copper bloke, does this, waving.
No-one waves at you when you're on stage.
There's rarely a situation where you have to stop the guy telling the jokes, right? He waves at me and I went, "What?" He points to the guy in the middle, the guy I hadn't even spoken to, and goes, "Ask him his name.
" LAUGHTER I'm going, "What the?" I went to the guy and said, "What's your name?" And your man kind of gingerly goes, "Erit's Arthur Merryman.
" LAUGHTER Genuinely, without any setting up, I had Robin Hood, the Sheriff of Nottingham and the Merry Men sitting in the front row.
Who knows if we'll have anything as glorious.
We will possibly be having a chat with you.
They sprinkle these audiences, for some ludicrous reason, with, in MASSIVE quotation marks, some of you, "famous faces".
MASSIVE in here! Coming in here bumping your way up a couple of lists.
You're not! Get back down to D.
LAUGHTER There's even a local hero here, James DeGale apparently.
Where is he? Good to have you here, James.
James, you're a local, aren't you? Yeah.
You're a Hammersmith boy.
Have you got the gold medal on you? No.
No, good man yourself, that's wise.
It's a bit tacky, you know what I mean? Man, you're from Hammersmith, you won a gold medal.
Look at yourself, you're now back in Hammersmith.
What a journey! You're the only boxer who fought his way back into the ghetto.
LAUGHTER James, you're not even saying anything, you're just eyeing me up for weaknesses, aren't you? Anywhere about me will be fine.
Are you looking forward to 2012? Yeah.
Are you gonna win? Yeah.
Are you gonna win big? In many ways, by the way, in the 2012 Olympics, Ireland are the winners of the 2012 Olympics because we don't have to pay for it.
Thanks for that.
I'm saying that, but I live down the road and my council tax is as much as anyone's.
They're paying for the Olympics with council taxes! It'll be held bi-weekly.
So Who else do we have? Hazel Irvine, how are you? Where's Aggie, by the way? How are you? How clean is your house, Aggie? Is it a tip, I bet it is.
You never open your house up, Aggie.
You probably sit in a room flicking snot at a wall.
Cleanliness, vital, I understand that completely.
I've a massive I'm kind of with you because I know it's a major concern for people, just in terms of public health, that stuff be clean, clean, clean Here's my question for you, right.
Cos I'm not saying we're cleaning too much but whenwhen I'll do this melodramatic.
WHEN will we ever, Aggie, win the war on bacteria? We're up to 99.
9% now, according to the ads.
Surely there's only one, small final push that we can eradicate that last 0.
1% of bacteria which is clogging up our kitchen work surfaces at the moment.
And I mean the bad bacteria, not the good bacteria, no.
There's been some sort of propaganda war where we lured bifidus digestivum over to our team.
What happens if you poured Dettol into a Yakult? APPLAUSE Is there a massive explosion of bad bacteria and then one good bacteria left at the bottom of the pot going, "Thank you for saving me"? That whole bacteria stuff is rubbish of the highest order.
Any doctors in the room tonight? Genuinely cos there's 3,500 people here, there's bound to be a doctor.
Give me a cheer if there's a doctor beside you or if you are a doctor.
SCATTERED WHOOPS Or, better yet, if you play a doctor in EastEnders.
Somewhere Hello, how are you, good to have you here? Why don't we turn to you, right.
I'm on about spraying things and anti-bacterial stuff and 99.
9%, which we hear a lot of.
Real doctors, am I right in saying this, you shouldn't clean every surface in your house, am I right? Absolutely.
Good to have you here, my fake doctor friend.
Genuinely you shouldn't, for one simple reason, the reason that kids are getting eczema, more asthma.
You're not supposed to raise your kids in a non-bacteria environment.
You're supposed to actually let them get sick now and again.
It's ludicrous "Jesus, bacteria, don't let the kids into the kitchen! "There's bacteria in the kitchen!" Like we haven't evolved with bacteria.
Nonsense.
You've got to let them get sick now and again.
This, by the way, now sounds like the weirdest safety ad or public safety ad in the world.
You never finish a show like this and then I come back on the screen and go, "Well, we've all had a laugh tonight, haven't we? "But an important point must be made.
Is there bacteria in your house? "Pick up your kid and rub its face in it.
" Kids are supposed to get sick.
It's one of those things in this country you do a lot of, get people scared about bacteria.
"Don't leave the kids with the bacteria and don't let them "out the front door because there are murderers out there.
" "Where do the kids?" "In the hall.
That's where the kids stay.
" "When can I leave the hall?" "When you're 18.
Then you can do whatever you want.
"Until then, OK, you can go to the shops but make sure nobody follows you.
" "I shouldn't have let them do that.
I know, I'll follow them.
" LAUGHTER It makes literally no sense whatsoever, that's why there's so much How many people here are in their teens? WHOOPING The vast majority.
You get a really hard you just get appalling coverage in this country.
You'd think you were feral, the way the papers went on about you.
Genuinely, you'd think that every young person in Britain just walks with a hoodie up and a knife and a phone, taping it, just walking around.
Like some sort of ASBO Dalek of some description, lashing out and taping at the same time.
"Ha-ha! This'll go on YouTube.
" I think that's incredible harsh on young people.
They're good people.
Nothing wrong with you, right.
One difference, right, and one difference I suppose, maybe I do agree with the Daily Mail on one small point.
Right Although unlikely one small point is that one thing is different for young people now.
What age are you, my friend? You're 16 for example.
Look at you, fine strong face, proud young man, your whole journey ahead of you.
One small difference between your generation and previous generations.
Let's not embarrass you by saying this is about you, let's say it's about people younger, 12, 13, 14.
Kids of that age, thanks to the internet, digital technology and DVDs have seen more pornography than any generation in history.
I'm not, by the way, getting at them for that, I envy them that desperately! When I was 14 you have to wait until a guy in your class went to England on a family holiday and brought back a magazine.
The magazine was passed around the room like the Holy Grail, like the end of Raiders and you'd look at it and your head would melt.
That's how exciting it was to you.
"Oh, my God!" MIMICS EXPLOSION Like a Nazi, right.
You'd just waaahh! "They're all smooth! Unbelievable!" Right, so They've seen more pornography.
Not you, you're 16, you're way past that.
They've seen more pornography, 12, 13, 14, than any generation in history, and this is the scary thing, it's changing sex.
Not like a lizard, sorry.
That make it sound like "Hang on, he was a bloke.
Wait a minute! That was a guy in the previous scene.
" No Pornography is changing the physical act of sex, right.
Sex has kept us going as a species for, what, 10 billion years and one generation, thanks to the internet, wumpf, gone, completely different, right.
I presume, for the sake of argument, that none of you have seen a dirty film in your lives, all right? There are three differences between porn and sex.
One, people don't look like people, they look like weird kind of cartoon homunculi, weird things with bits that are bigger and unnaturally large and they're just not normal-looking things, right.
B, they're always really miserable.
People in pornography are always really angry as if they're getting no fun at all and this is terrible.
They're always, "Oh, I don't even like you.
" Generally grinding away in a kind of a "this'll teach you, I'm doing this to spite you" kind of a way, right.
And three, porn ends in a filmic way.
It doesn't end like sex ends.
We all know how sex ends because that's how the species keeps going, right.
Porn ends in a way, in a kind of a moment, right.
A kind of atah-dah! It's there to show that it actually took place.
There's a kind of a "There you go.
" Never with the words, "There you go.
" LAUGHTER But there's a kind of a "And now, how do you go.
" Listen, if you don't know what I mean, the mime alone, surely you're getting the idea.
And that's what 12-year-olds, 13, 14 think sex is, and that's gonna change sex.
Maybe they'll learn or maybe we'll have a genuine problem in about 20 years time when the NHS is just crushed under the weight of couples coming in going, "We can't conceive.
" LAUGHTER And doctors going, "OK, well, what are you doing?" And they're going, "Oh, we do what we've always done, "we mush around for a while, get kind of get angry at each other and then I pull out and jizz on her tits.
" LAUGHTER I think kids get a really rough deal out of it, generally, whatever, but teachers equally.
Are there any teachers in the room? Yeah! What age do you teach, by the way? Big, small, little, whatever.
Everything! Everything.
What are you, some sort of a guru, do they come to you Do you sit on a mountain top and no matter what age, from two to 65, "I have lessons for you.
"I can teach you things that no man has ever heard before.
Come to me, do you wish to learn?" "Well, no, actually I'm a shop delivery man but tell us what you have to say anyway.
" Everything? From four to 11, eight to 12, where? From four to 18.
It really is just everything, right.
What, do you breeze in Are you a member of any staff or do you drop in to kids and just go, "Right, quick, she's out the door, lock the door, right.
I'm gonna tell you what really happens.
"All right, this is the situation.
" Is it right, by the way, that chalk has gone? Chalk has gone.
It's interactive dry whiteboards, am I right in saying that? Yes.
"That's right, yeah.
" You're just gonna say "yeah" in the hope that I go away at this stage.
Yes, teachers I have a sympathy for, simply because one of the great weapons in disciplining children Maybe the Daily Mail's right.
Maybe kids have gone wild, for one reason - there's no blackboards.
How many of you went to school when there was a blackboard with chalk? CHEERING Gonegone in a generation.
Interactive, dry whiteboards now.
They write the whole thing and it appears on the screen.
That's apparently the way of the future.
I see a problem.
It's very difficult to discipline children using an interactive screen.
Incredibly difficult to do, whereas chalk was magical.
If a child misbehaved in the class, you just got two dusters and you banged them together.
A huge cloud would appear between you and the child.
Then you punched them in the face! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And when the dust gathered and when it all settled down and you're looking at the child going, "My nose!" You just go, "Did the cloud monster get you?" "Oh, no! "He's very angry.
He doesn't like talking in class, the cloud monster, no.
" You will never hear a word from that child again.
They also don't come in on days when there's fog.
But that's kind of a .
.
an unfortunate by-product of it all.
So anyway, sorry Aggie, hello.
Another famous person, Julia Bradbury fromnot Crimewatch, the other one.
Watchdog.
Watchdog, that's it! I wouldn't want to get the wrong one in case you clamped down on me.
Ladies and gentlemen, please, the fantastic work they do.
Fabulous work.
Legendary Loving the work, loving the work Watchdog does in hassling small businesspeople.
There's nothing like it.
"What are you doing making a profit taking money from old people?" "I, er" "You're a monster!" Do you know what you should give out about? This is a touring comic, and I've travelled around.
Psychics We do! Do you? We do.
They're glorious, aren't they? They're almost funny.
As con artists go, they are the funniest con artists in the countryside.
By the way, I will say into any camera, if there's any psychics there thinking, "Oh, I'll sue," I'd love to see you sue.
Could you imagine a court case against a psychic? "Do you have any witnesses?" "They're all around.
" How much fun would that be? "Tell me, my old Uncle Kevin, who no-one can see but I can see, "did this woman malign you?" "Yes, she did," says the invisible man.
It would be glorious.
If you ever had any idea of going, it's nonsense.
It's just people standing up going, "John, Julia, James "Gillian, Jo, Joe, Kevin, Mary whatever, Bob.
" It's nonsense, right.
There's a woman who, for legal reasons, I'm not allowed to say what her name is, right.
Is there a barrister in the room, by the way? Do we have a barrister here? Yeah.
Sorry, who? You are? What's your name, champ? Mark.
Mark, what do you do? Trainee solicitor.
So you don't get to appear in court, do you? No.
That's the whole fun of it though.
That'll be the gas, just appearing, doing the walk in front of the jury.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury" That'd be the real gas of it all.
You don't get that? No.
Here, let me try your instincts though.
Maybe you made the right decision.
When you get to the end of a jury, right, you're walking along and you get to the end, right.
The jury's here, which way should you turn? Back on yourself.
Like this? Yeah.
That's why you wouldn't have made a good barrister.
Just that moment there.
If you're ever representing yourself, walking along, "Blah, blah, blah" Your instinct will be to go, "Blah, blah, blah," and at the end go "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
" "Blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah, blah.
" Wrong! This is the way you do it.
"Blah, blah, blah "But I ask you, when you look into the face of my client, ask yourself, is he not "not guilty? That's how you do it, right.
A little bit of showbiz, take it for free.
Anyway, this nameless psychic was on recently Completely true story.
.
.
was on a couple of days before me in a theatre somewhere, right, and died roaring, couldn't do it.
To the point where the audience turned, they were looking at her going, "You can't do this.
"You're actually bad at this.
" They started taking the mickey.
They started going Give me a name, give me a woman's name.
Tracey.
Tracey, perfect.
Let's call her Tracey, right.
And the audience started going, "Tracey, what about my mother?" And Tracey would go, "Is she dead?" And they'd go, "No.
" Another voice said, "Tracey, what about my sister?" The woman goes, "Is she dead?" They'd go, "No.
" Eventually it was, "Tracey, what about my father?" She goes, "Is he dead?" The voice goes, "Yeah!" And she went, "Oh, nowsomething is coming through.
Something is coming through.
" And the voice goes, "Ah, no, he's here, sorry.
" LAUGHTER They're glorious.
They're fantastic, fabulous people.
We've had a chat with Aggie, we've talked to James, Julia there.
Er, the one person I really wanted to talk to was Melissa from The Property Show.
Where is that? Hello, how are you? How's yourself, good to have you here.
You do the property shows on BBC daytime, don't you? I do.
Well, you did.
What are you gonna do next year? Not so much in the property now, is there? That's a kind of a topical one there, isn't it? I was just thinking What, what? Are you gonna do a show called We're Staying Here? Or, Actually The Schools Aren't That Bad.
Do you know what my favourite is? My absolute favourite, the best of all, right.
Not Grand Designs, not Location, Location, with respect, not Homes Under The Hammer.
Property Ladder is the greatest property show in the world, right.
For one simple reason, right.
Property Ladder, you know the one I mean? Yeah! Very good.
Almost the greatest television show because uniquely, historically, it's the only television show, ever, that has an expert that nobody pays a blind bit of notice to.
Every week Sarah Beeny comes in and goes, "Magnolia," and they go, "Ah, no, we're painting it black.
" Every week she's going, "No, no, please what are you doing there?" "We're digging a hole in the hallway to put a swimming pool in.
" "What?!" She must be off camera going, "Why am I even here?! "They don't even listen to a word I say! "Every week I give advice and then they make a big profit "and they think they're as good as me.
Well, they're not!" And she's in, she's out, she's in, she's out.
It's a continuity disaster area, it really is, yeah.
I'm not saying anything against her being pregnant but it does kind of give away how long it takes these people to do a bit of basic plumbing.
In the time it's taken them to plaster the back bedroom she's had four kids.
Just stick her in a poncho in episode one and be done with it, all right.
Make her Mexican, she can do the accent.
Come in on a donkey going, "So you want to develop the property, yes? "Perhaps you'd like to knock through the wall and make this into a separate bedroom.
"Many, many pesos for you if you can possibly do that.
" Listen, we're gonna bring out a headline act, ladies and gentlemen.
He's a very good friend.
I've been working with him for a number of years.
I've seen him grow from just a tiny child, from a small, shy boy into one of the finest stand-up comedians this country has.
I call him the dark heart of Mock The Week.
I'd imagine many people will after you've seen him.
Ladies and gentlemen, could you please give it up for the one and only Mr Frankie Boyle.
CHEERING Hello! Hello! You've made an effort tonight, haven't you, little fella? Looks like someone shaved a monkey and kicked it through Top Man.
I like this as well, buddy.
You've got your trousers pulled up so tight you've got one of those ball vaginas.
Did you see Amy Winehouse in the paper this week? My God, she looks like a campaign poster for neglected horses.
We're quite tolerant of mutant celebrities, aren't we? David Coulthard with that big jaw thing.
D'you reckon when he goes down on his wife it feels like she's being rescued by a dolphin? Ann Widdecombe says that she's a virgin for religious reasons.
LAUGHTER The reason being that God made her incredibly ugly.
LAUGHTER John Prescott, you're talking about a guy who's so fat, he can't wear a belt and a tie on the same day or he'll turn into sausages.
Recently, I was getting interviewed on a sofa with Macy Gray.
The dream team! The interviewer goes, "Have you ever been a groupie?" and Macy Gray, quite bizarrely, says, "Yes, "for the actor Clive Owen and the basketball player Michael Jordan.
" The interviewer said, "I hope that was on different nights.
" And I said, "At the very least, I hope they were at opposite ends, Macy.
" Macy Gray doesn't have a sense of humour! Youse worried about the credit crunch? I like the new advert for the Halifax.
It's just Howard hanging himself in a bathroom.
It's a bit sick us getting worried when there are people in the world starving.
Things are going to have to get pretty bad before we can't afford to shop at Lidl.
I once did my entire weekly shop at Lidl in exchange for an amulet made from cat's teeth.
I saw Gordon Brown talking about it last night.
Gordon Brown looks terrible.
He looks like a sad face somebody's drawn onto their scrotum.
Alastair Darling, I don't trust either.
I don't trust anyone whose hair and eyebrows don't match.
I keep wondering what his pubes look like.
I wouldn't be surprised if he opened his flies and it was a big bunch of daffodils.
He looks tired as well.
Then, he does have to commute in every day from Tracy Island.
Brown says he wants to bring in super ASBOs.
That sounds too cool.
Super ASBOs - teenagers are going to want those.
They should call them GAYBOs or bender badges.
Brown says we need a national debate about whether Margaret Thatcher gets a state funeral.
The only debate most people are having is whether or not she needs to be dead before we bury her.
A £3 million funeral.
For that money, you could buy everybody in Scotland a shovel and we'd dig a hole so deep that we could hand her over to Satan personally.
George Bush says now he's retiring, he will make his living from speaking.
Play to your strengths there, George! That's like Abu Hamza having a career doing shadow puppets.
Did anyone see the survey they did in America that said Osama bin Laden is now more famous than Michael Jackson? You think, "Yeah, but he puts a lot less effort into his videos.
" Poor old Michael Jackson has to live out the life of a Scooby-Doo villain.
Hanging around an abandoned funfair wearing a plastic face.
Catherine Zeta Jones lives in LA, but she has bottles of air imported from Wales.
When I want my house to smell like Wales, I just kick my dog until it farts.
It's weird the Beckhams went to LA - the home of stalkers.
They were always worried about being kidnapped.
She'd be the perfect kidnap victim.
Imagine how cheap it would be to send her body parts back to the post.
What does he see in her? It must be like shagging a xylophone.
People fancy Sarah Palin.
"Governor of Alaska" is an incredible title.
Governor, serious and important, Alaska, shit.
It's like being voted most handsome manin the burns unit.
Being an international footballer for Scotland.
Glasgow was in the news recently, the scaremongering story that North Korea have missiles that can hit America.
It turned out the part of America the missiles could reach was Alaska.
Who is going to nuke the Eskimos? You could take out one of their cities with a three-bar fire and a bag of salt.
A lot of scaremongering goes on.
Did you see that guy they jailed a couple of months ago, Osama bin London? Is that the stage it's got to - tribute acts? The Sun, without irony, described him as Abu Hamza's right-hand man.
We've got Barack Obama as president.
Incredible when you consider he has the worst name you could have in American politics.
Obama, halfway between "Osama" and "a bomber".
He might as well be called Muslim O'Gun-bomb.
He's not just popular with black Americans, but with white Americans because they think he's Tiger Woods.
He came to Berlin and got a standing ovation from 20,000 people.
Let's not forget the last man to get a standing ovation from 20,000 people in Berlin was the most evil man in history.
David Hasselhoff.
Did he see his first speech after the election? They put bullet-proof glass up in front of him.
That shows you how racist America still is.
Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.
How are you doing, little fella? You look a bit trendy for this crowd.
The rest of it looks like the cantina scene from Star Wars.
What's your story, what do you do? A barman.
A barman? Yes.
If you keep smiling, that doesn't mean I'll move along! I like what you've done with your hair, man.
You look like a moderately powerful Pokemon.
Are youse looking forward to the Olympics in London? AUDIENCE MUTTER LAUGHTER That's a fairly firm "no".
A low zombie groan.
Urrrrrrghhh.
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London.
It means the athletes'll have to use extra skill to work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starting pistol.
Glasgow has the Commonwealth Games.
Be good to finally see an international athletics event where the crowd fail a drugs test.
I'm looking forward to our opening ceremony.
Seeing them lighting that torch from a smouldering Ford Focus.
You want to see more drugs in sport? I want to see a lot more drugs in sport.
Do you want to see someone running the 100 metres in 9.
78 seconds, or do you want to see them running it in three seconds? I don't want to see Dwain Chambers running on steroids, I want to see him running with the legs of a kangaroo and the heart of a leopard.
I would see him run so fast that halfway through the race, he disappears like the car from Back To The Future, reappears at the finish line as an old man shouting, "Beware China!" and then crumbles into dust.
Usain Bolt won that race in 9.
69 seconds.
I can't do anything in that time.
It took me 10 seconds to watch him do that.
He won that race slowing down.
How galling is that for the other runners? The only way it could have been worse would've been if he'd stopped before the finish line, got his camera phone out and gone, "Hurry up, I'm trying to get us all in this one.
" Michael Phelps was too good as well.
It's gonna be boring at the London Olympics unless we make Phelps swim in the conditions the British swimmers had to train in.
Let's see how good he is once he has to get past a fat guy doing widths.
What was disappointing about the Olympics was the female athletes are now so fast, it's almost impossible to crack one off over the course of a race.
I had to pick a woman quite early on in the hurdles and hope she fell.
That's a joke, but it's also what I actually did.
The great thing in Scottish football games at Hampden where you're not allowed to bring food into the ground and they search you when you go in to make sure you've not got food on you.
It's nice to see we've got our priorities right.
"What's this, son, a knife? "I hope you weren't planning on making sandwiches.
" We are a brutal culture.
Did you see the story of the head that got washed up on a beach in Arbroath? It was children that found it, which I thought was particularly sad because you know there will have been a point when they'll have thought that was someone buried up to their neck in the sand, then the next day, the limbs get washed ashore in a suitcase.
The people of Arbroath were in shock.
They'd never never seen a suitcase before.
I heard a brilliant Scottish story the other day.
My pal is a magician.
He does magic at weddings.
He did a wedding a couple of weeks ago where the groom was wearing a kilt and for the photos, he sat on the bride's knee and left a skid mark on her dress.
Somewhere in there is an incredible advert for Daz.
I was trying to think of what is the shittest Scottish town, which obviously took me a while.
I decided it was Coatbridge.
If you ever get a chance to go there, go.
It's like Blade Runner without the special effects.
Basically, the town's pride took a knock recently when they found out the people of Ethiopia were holding a rock concert for them.
There is a beautiful detail I think encapsulates the place.
Last time I was there, they had one takeaway restaurant which is a Chinese called by Bon Appetit.
I read a great thing the other day.
Scientists are going to start treating alcoholism with LSD.
That's going to make tramps very different people.
"Any spare change, pal? I've got a unicorn to feed.
" Have you heard this science thing that the human female has exactly the same pheromone scent as an orang-utan female? It was news to me.
I'll never wear a blindfold again.
She told me she was a Geordie.
Viagra is overrated.
Viagra takes half an hour to have any effect.
I often find in that time, the woman has managed to wriggle free.
Have you ever heard that if you put a frog into boiling water, it'll jump out, but if you put it into cold water, and heat the water up, the frog won't realise and it'll die? To put it another way, scientists have got a lot of time on their hands.
"Shall we have a go at curing cancer?" "No, I'm going to see how many Fruit Pastilles it takes to choke a kestrel.
" Got all these environmental problems now.
Apparently in 20 years' time, Norwich will be completely underwater, and the locals are delighted because they'll finally get a chance to use their webbed feet and hands.
A lot of stuff's bad for the environment, isn't it? 4x4s are just too big, aren't they? I mean, often now, when I'm out dogging I find I have to stand on someone's shoulders just to get my balls onto the windshield.
Ryanair are getting a hard time from the environmental lobby cos they want to introduce an £8 flight to New York.
Although, as always with Ryanair, it does land slightly outside New York in Dublin.
Did you see Kerry Katona on This Morning? That was one of the saddest, one of the very saddest wanks that I've ever had.
She's got a new perfume out, and it must be good, cos it looks like she's drinking about four bottles a day.
I think Grand Designs is going to be brilliant during the credit crunch.
"I've got a budget of £4.
"Thought I might paint the door.
" So patronising, those property programmes, aren't they? I saw one.
This is true.
It said, "If someone's coming round to view your house, remember, open the curtains and tidy up.
" Oh, thanks for that, guys.
I was planning on redecorating using diarrhoea pills and stencils, and then shaving the word "welcome" into my dog's back.
That's a joke.
I don't have a dog, obviously.
Having pets is tragic.
Having a pet is basically saying, "Hey, I've tried to find love among my own species "and I've failed.
" Is there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog shit? I suppose someone maybe without a dog.
I don't know.
Vet - that looks like a good job.
I don't know how long I could be a vet before I got bored and started shagging stuff.
I'd shag an owl.
.
cos it could give you eye contact whatever position you've taken.
Or shag a kitten.
Imagine having sex with something you actually wanted to cuddle afterwards.
What I'm actually most into myself is leather.
Well, I say leather, I mean, older women.
I do love old people, and do you know what? It's sick that we live in a country where the Government will bail out banks and bankers.
They won't make sure that old people can survive the winter.
So what I told my gran, I told her to change her name by deed poll to Mrs HBOS and say that she pissed all her money away at the bingo.
Sure enough, the next day, a cheque turns up for £5 billion! Now she's got her heating up full blast and it should last about two weeks.
I'll try and think if I've got any cheerful jokes at all.
Yes, as a man, never get a Brazilian, because when you get a hard-on, you'll look like a sundial at noon.
How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage? Another two, if I move my bike.
The smoking ban's really taken off in Scotland.
Every pub, no matter how shit, now has tables and chairs outside.
Basically, Glasgow looks like Paris after a nuclear war.
The best ads are those anti-drinking adverts.
They're like the least effective adverts ever.
There's always a drunk woman tottering about on high heels or a drunk woman falling over.
I always watch those and I go, "That's right.
"There are drunk women out there.
I'll get my coat on.
" Did you see the story of the refugees who were found in a raft, and they'd survived on the raft for two weeks by eating the other people who'd died? They said if things had got any worse, they were going to open the fridge full of Ginsters pasties.
You can eat roadkill.
Have you seen this? My pal got me a recipe book for roadkill.
So I got some roadkill, I followed the recipe, it was delicious.
I still don't know what to do with his bike.
Political correctness has changed everything, hasn't it? Apparently at Christmas now, we're not supposed to say "fairy lights" any more, cos it might be homophobic.
Apparently now, we've got to call them "poof lanterns".
It's not politically correct to talk about women who wear veils.
I don't care if they wear a veil or not.
It's when you see them in London, taking photos of each other as tourists.
What's the point? "Could you take that one again? I blinked.
" I think it's important for women not to let men tell you what's attractive, cos men don't know what's attractive.
Belly-button piercings aren't sexy.
Men just think they're sexy because it reminds them of the staple in a porno mag.
I like the way men lie and go, "Oh, I couldn't sleep with younger women.
"I mean, what would you talk to them about afterwards?" I don't know, how they're planning on getting home? I've got kids now.
I've got a wee boy.
He's just turned one.
Starting to get a bit sick of him, to be honest.
I went to the birth and it really did bring home that whole wonder, I suppose, miracle, that is contraception.
Watching a birth is like watching the deleted scenes from Platoon.
I've got a wee girl as well.
She's four.
You know what people don't tell you? Kids are a fantastic way of meeting women.
A real conversation starter, especially if you get 'em little cute tops, saying "Future DJ", that kind of thing.
So my daughter's four.
I've got her a lovely little pink top that says "My Mummy's Dead".
You know, the brilliant thing with kids is, sometimes, you're just in that kid mode, and you don't even have them with you, and you'll just say things that have never been said in human history.
I went to the supermarket recently.
I didn't have the kids with me, but I was in that mode.
And I picked up the cheese and went, "Hello, Mr Cheese.
" And this guy beside me got really angry cos he thought I was talking to him.
And I had to turn to this guy and go, "I wasn't talking to you, pal.
"I was talking to the cheese.
" I was having breakfast with my daughter a couple of months ago.
This is true.
My daughter goes, "Daddy, what's the best thing in the world?" I didn't even have to think about it.
I said, "Darling, you're the best thing in the world.
"I don't even have to think about it.
It's definitely you".
And she sat there for a bit and then she went, "For me, it's sausages.
" Hammersmith, it's been a pleasure.
Take care of yourselves.
Good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND WHISTLING I know.
I know, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "God, it's my child's eighth birthday coming up.
" That would be perfect for the kids' birthday party, wouldn't it? Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the end of our show.
Thanks for coming along from everyone at Live At The Apollo.
And from myself, Dara O Briain, from Frankie Boyle, we'll see you again.
Thank you very much.
Good night.