Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s04e04 Episode Script

Man #1: Stop the clock.
well? Man #2: Two minutes, 25 seconds.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
- Damn.
- Sorry.
We've done it in 2.
23 and that was in father's old rover.
I thought these places were all hotels now.
Some have managed to hang on.
Death duties did for me.
We were neighbors separated by a few thousand acres, but this used to be my second home.
- Hi, I'm Lexie.
- Hi, we're expected.
Still, Fulham to Glenbogle in eight hours- not bad.
I'll let the laird know you're here then.
( theme music playing ) ( man laughing ) Ah, yes.
Here.
This is the spot.
( whistles ) ( whistle echoes ) ( echoing ) Woody Woodpecker.
Yeah, the- the bags are in the back.
No joyriding.
- David? - Hello! Your secret whistle.
- Mine and Jamie's.
- And Archie's.
Yes, of course and Archie's.
Oh, let me look at you.
You haven't changed at all.
- You're still as lovely as ever.
- Always the charmer.
Good to be back, Molly.
This is my good friend Jonathan.
- How do you do? - Welcome to Glenbogle.
- We were expecting you to bring- - Sarah, I know.
Rush job, couldn't make it.
I thought you wouldn't mind if I brought Jonathan.
Not at all.
Does Archie know that you're here? Lexie, is that her name, I think she's- so, you've met Archie's adorable wife.
Oh, my god.
Lexie, of course.
I thought she worked here.
She does.
We all do.
If you'll excuse me, I'm expecting Kilwillie.
- You remember Lord Kilwillie, don't you? - Yes.
I think we passed him on the drive.
Once you're quite decent, we can go for that walk you suggested.
I bet you no one's ever mistaken Molly for the housekeeper.
You're being over-sensitive.
- Lexie, please.
- Not until you give me a kiss.
- They're waiting.
- So am I.
Do you not want to kiss me? Now away and play with your friends.
- Archie! - David! Archie, you old dog.
I should have been here.
What about the stag do? He promised me I'd be best man.
I promised him a night to remember.
It was all a bit of a rush.
Anyway, you're here now.
So, this is who you wanted me to meet.
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
- Sarah couldn't make it? - Called away on business.
You know how it is.
Everything's so bloody last minute.
The bush fires - they're all putting out bush fires.
Look, I'm so sorry about earlier.
You must think me impossibly rude.
Please put it down to car lag.
Archie, you've certainly moved on.
It's very good to meet you, Lexie MacDonald.
( giggles ) Now look, I brought an old friend along with me, Jonathan Pell.
He's an old school friend of mine.
I think Molly approves, but he's a bit of a wimp.
He faints at the sight of mud, but he's sound.
Sound as they come.
Now, Archie, a drink I think and then football.
Come on.
It's- it's not the easiest thing for a chap to admit, but it is pressing.
It's very pressing.
Has been for some time actually.
Quite some time.
Isn't this glorious? Yes, yes, glorious.
You see, what I'm trying to say is- you do know I'm very fond of you, Molly.
Of course you are, Kilwillie.
You were so fond of Hector.
I'm not sure fond is the word I was looking for exactly.
Let's go and see the wolves, shall we? Ah, Golly! How nice.
Oh, yes.
How nice.
David: Ready, Jonathan? Come on, Jonathan! - Yeah! - no! - The MacDonalds cream the Frasers.
- That won't last.
Oh god, Archie, it's good to be back.
- Just like the old days.
- Well, not quite.
No.
You and Jamie always used to make me keep goal.
It's mine! It's mine! - Mine, mine! - He's there.
he takes it! Oh, for god's sake.
It's only a game.
Game? Molly: Glenbogle's first native wolves.
Archie must be pleased.
They came out of the nursery cave this morning.
Molly: Why isn't that one playing with the others? They won't accept it.
That's the runt.
What will happen to it? - They'll kill it.
- Kilwillie: That's nature.
- Red in tooth and claw.
- Oh, that's awful.
Yes, that's frightful.
Can't you do something about it, Golly? We must not interfere with nature.
Poor little thing.
Oh, oh.
( wolf whines ) ( clucking ) - Are you all right, Kilwillie? - What? - I think you're sickening for something.
- Really? Golly will drive us back.
I'm feeling rather tired myself.
And the sooner we get you home the better.
Judging by the look of you.
- But Molly! - I insist.
Archie: Absolutely not! We can't have wild animals running around the house.
You're prepared to condemn the poor little creature to death? Mother, it is not a little creature.
It is a small wolf.
Yes, dear, I'm sure you're right.
That looks nice.
Canard a la Glenbogle.
It's French.
Ah, are you reading this, Irene? Oh, yeah, I'm about halfway through.
- So you're interested in archaeology, then? - Yes.
- Yeah, me too.
- Really? There's a lot of history buried in this estate.
So, Golly, what'd you think of Archie's friend? Do you believe that he told me not to joyride? Quite right.
Listen, there's the remains of an old dig that you might like to see.
Not too far from here.
There.
- Oh, a burial site.
- yep.
So, tomorrow? Mmm, okay.
- I'll read up on it tonight.
- good.
Can I come- to the burial thingie? Don't tempt me, Duncan.
- Come on, Archie! - ( banging on table ) You might not have had a stag party before the wedding, Archie, but you're certainly going to have one now! - Stop the clock! - Yes! Not bad.
Archie and Lexie, may they live happily ever after.
Hadn't we better wait for Lexie? - It's a woman's prerogative to be late, Jonathan.
- Or not turn up.
- So you were at college with- - Archie and Lexie! Absent friends.
( wolf whining ) ( whines ) Whew.
Am I doing this right? Perfect, Duncan, just perfect.
So, are you going exploring with Golly then? Yeah, I think so.
- Jealous? - No.
Oh.
( chuckles ) Is there anything I can get you? Yes, there is actually.
We wouldn't happen to have any liver - going spare, would we? - Liver? I have this sudden craving.
Don't actually like the stuff.
Completely irrational.
Well, I'll see what I can find.
Raw, it must be raw.
And some milk if you can spare it.
Please.
Mmm.
Funny tummy, Molly.
My Auntie Liz swears by milk and liver.
( chuckles ) You look wonderful.
Thank you.
I just saw Molly heading towards the tower.
- I think she was talking to Hector.
- Father? That's what it sounded like.
Hmm.
- The Lady of Glenbogle.
- All: The Lady of Glenbogle.
Thank you.
Now I think this happy occasion calls for the Grand MacDonald.
I'll have a word with Golly.
I thought you were the laird.
All right, we'll set off first thing in the morning.
- Good man.
- What is the Grand MacDonald? Land a salmon, bag a grouse, stalk and shoot a stag, all in a day.
- Then, there is the Royal MacDonald.
- Ah! - Jonathan: what's that? - All the above, plus you get to bed the laird's wife.
In your dreams.
Father was the last person to win the Grand MacDonald.
Hector was furious.
He had to hand over the prize.
A case of the laird's finest malt.
I'll put up a bottle of port.
- Times hard, Archie? - No.
And we've ordered a stripper.
What? when? Tomorrow night.
I did promise you a stag party, Archie, I do hope you don't mind.
Isn't that what boys do? ( door opens ) Ahh.
Canard a la Glenbogle.
( chuckles ) - So who was your best man? - Duncan.
Rush job then? ( laughing ) I did the tatties and them.
Mange-tout.
- Mange-tout.
- It looks great.
Molly not joining us? No, no.
It's been a long day.
Oh, dear.
Molly came into the kitchen asking for raw liver and milk.
- do you still play cricket after dinner? - We haven't for years.
Excellent.
That's settled then.
You, Jonathan and uh my stand-in, versus me, Lexie, and yes, we're one short.
- ( doorbell rings ) - Lexie: I'll get it.
You do scrub up well.
The new Lady of Glenbogle.
- It suits you, my dear.
- Thank you.
We weren't expecting to see you again this evening.
Well, no- Molly did ask me to drop in if I was passing and there is a small matter I need to discuss with her.
- ( laughing ) - I'm not intruding, am I? Archie's got some friends over.
The Fraser boy- he was always a willful child.
- Where is Molly? - Last seen going to the tower.
Tower it is.
- Cricket?! - Oh, I like a man who plays cricket.
There's something solid and manly about it.
The swing of the bat.
Those red stains on the bowler's crisp whites.
Yeah, I love cricket.
Yeah, the smack of leather on- on- on whatever and my P.
E.
Teacher said I had ability.
( clucks tongue ) Natural all-rounder- play football, too.
I hate football.
Yeah, I don't like it either.
I just play it sometimes not often.
.
Hardly ever in fact.
Molly: Stop it.
No! ( panting ) Oh, Hector, no! Now I shall have to clean that up.
- Hector, stop it! - ( knocks ) Molly! - who is it? - It's me, Kilwillie.
- just a minute.
- ( door unlocks ) - What do you want? - Well, I was just passing and I wondered- are you all right? Yes, perfectly, thank you.
( lock clanks ) May I come in? ( door unlocking ) What on earth are you doing up here? Oh, I've decided to convert the tower into a conservatory- observatory.
- I'm taking up astrology.
- Astronomy?! Yes, quite.
Oh, I think that's a marvelous idea! There's a wonderful view of the stars over there.
- Ooh.
- At night.
What sort of telescope will you use? Do you think I'll need one? I should say.
Kilwillie, what would I do without you? Oh.
( humming ) Where did you learn all this archaeology stuff, Golly? Folk tales, books.
- Books? - Yeah, books.
The library's full of them.
Well, it's up to you, Golly, but I don't think Irene'll enjoy all this archaeology clambering-over-rocks stuff.
And since when are you the expert on what Irene likes or doesn't like? I may know more than you think, Golly.
Take cricket for example.
She likes cricket does she? She thinks it's a game for wussies.
Oh.
Now football, Golly, that's a different matter.
She loves a man who plays football.
She's mad for it.
Football? Right.
I've gone solo, so to speak.
It's the best decision I have ever made.
Plenty of city contacts, old mates like Jonathan, the money's going to come rolling in and nothing begets money like money itself.
You know we're not too dissimilar, you and I.
Entrepreneurs, I know it's an appalling word, but one thing about our lot, we sink or swim.
Evolve or die.
Are you swimming or sinking, Archie? Treading water mostly.
- Settled the death duties yet? - No.
- Hector's last laugh.
- Yeah, one of many.
I've got a proposition for you.
Lexie, who needs a stripper when we've got you.
It's a joke, Lexie.
Forgive me.
Could you? Thank you, Archie.
- You're not joining me? - Eh, no thanks.
Archie always did know when he'd had enough.
- Just like Sarah.
- I'd like to meet her.
You will.
And have you phoned her? - Phoned her? - Yeah.
To let her know you arrived safely.
I called her on the mobile.
And is she missing you? Desperately.
Hmm, I bet.
1994 was particularly exciting for astronomers.
We saw the most dramatic solar systems encountered in living memory.
The hubble telescope had just been repaired.
It was sending back remarkable images.
Oh, that was a splendid year, Molly.
You know, Molly, I've got something to say.
It's rather delicate, very pressing and not at all easy.
Kilwillie, I really must ask you to leave.
- But- - it's getting late.
Oh, well, yes, of course.
- Good night.
- Good night.
What do you know about nickel? Not a lot.
No, nor did I- until a few weeks ago.
But it seems that for some time now the price of nickel has been rising as supplies have dropped off.
Now, I have it on the very best authority that all that's about to change.
The nickel market is due a temporary collapse in three weeks when several tons of the stuff will be flooded onto the world markets.
Now when that happens, the price will fall by 30% or more.
So that's when we buy.
- We? - just hear me out.
We buy, we hold our nerve for six months when the price will rise again.
Now, the minimum investment my contacts are looking for is £20,000.
I can raise 10, but no more.
- You need another 10? - mm-hmm.
You're catching on.
Interested? - Archie - it's a lot of money.
It's a lot of money we haven't got.
Let's forget it.
If you really haven't- - no, we haven't.
- No, I could raise it- - if the deal was right.
- good man.
And what sort of return could I expect? Enough to pay off some of your debts, give you a five-star honeymoon in the Bahamas you'll triple your money.
- £30,000? - I'm doing you a favor, Archie.
- I'll think about it.
- Break the habit of a lifetime.
Take a chance.
- Archie.
- entirely up to you, of course.
I said I'll think about it.
That's all.
You do that, Archie.
Old times and better times to come.
Lex? I'm going to look for Jonathan.
Excuse me.
I'm afraid I got lost.
That's easily done.
It's like a sort of time capsule.
This is Jamie's room.
What are you doing here? I was just showing Jonathan around.
That's my pen knife.
He stole it.
Jamie, you old- he won it.
You bet him he couldn't make my father say "bum.
" So I did.
God, this is a bloody museum, Archie.
Jamie hated museums.
He's gone, Archie.
You should have a clear out.
Time to put this lot behind you.
Hmm.
I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
( laughing ) - You on? - ( laughs ) - Come on, go! - ( cheering ) - Lexie! - Come on back! - What are you doing? - Kilwillie: well done, Lexie! - Running.
- Duncan: come on, Arch.
Another round, Jonathan.
Is that a football shirt Golly's wearing? Yeah, he's mad about football- hates cricket - thinks it's a game for wussies.
Huh.
Duncan: Come on, Jonathan, singles.
One run.
Yes, right.
Lexie, come on! That's out! - Howzat! - He's out, he's in! - I was in! - Sorry, Archie.
- Yes! - Yes! - Yes! - Thank you, Golly.
( Lexie laughing ) One run, Duncan, that's all we need.
Count on me, Archie.
- ( clapping ) - ( gloating ) I was in by a mile.
- It doesn't matter.
- Of course it matters.
( laughing ) Golly: Duncan you think Irene's noticed the shirt? Oh, yeah.
Definitely.
Lexie: Come on, David.
David: Come on, crafty single that's all we need.
You can do it! Oh, don't mind me.
Oh, cricket, lovely.
Kilwillie? I'm trying to field old boy.
- It's about mother.
- Is there anything I can do? - David: come on! - We're a bit worried about her, actually.
Lexie's heard her talking to herself.
We think she might be talking to father.
We're supposed to be playing cricket.
- She's been asking for raw liver.
- Oh, dear.
- and milk.
- Milk? poor Molly.
I think she needs a hobby- something to occupy herself.
Do you know, I may know just the thing.
You leave it to me, old boy.
- Lord Kilwillie! - Yes, yes, we're ready.
On we go.
Come on, Duncan, one run.
- oh! - oh! Howzat! - A six! a six! - That's a catch! ( screaming ) - A catch! - house rules! - catch! - catch! - Yes! - Yes! I don't believe it! - Yeah! - That's terribly wrong.
House rules? We don't know house rules.
Well, those aren't my house rules.
Sorry, mate, what can I say? - Thank you very much.
- Yeah.
Well, you can't win them all, David.
( laughs ) ( whines ) You're not really going to give him any money? It's an investment.
Why don't you just tell him the truth? - Tell him what? - That we haven't got the money.
I might be able to raise it.
If you can raise that sort of money we could do with spending it around here.
We could have a honeymoon, Lex.
You heard what he said.
Don't you not think it's a bit weird that he hasn't even phoned Sarah? If you went away for a weekend you would phone me, wouldn't you? How do you know he hasn't phoned her? When did you last get a signal on a mobile up here? No, Hector, not in there.
Archie: I'm sure he's very sorry that he thought you were the housekeeper.
Being your wife is no guarantee that your friends are going to like me.
Nor that you're going to like them.
I never said I didn't like him.
It's pretty obvious.
I have known him a very long time.
I know.
Then maybe you could make more of an effort.
I'm sorry if you think I don't like him.
I'm going to go to sleep now.
Good night.
( sniffs ) Lex? What? Can you smell bacon? - Hard paddle.
- Oh.
Hey, Archie, you're it.
- Come on, Archie! - Go, Archie.
Jamie, jaime! David, David! - get it, Archie.
- oh, come on, Archie! Lexie: Morning, Molly.
Have you and Archie had a falling out? I can't help it.
I've tried for Archie's sake, but I just don't like David.
He is an acquired taste.
Like cod liver oil? Hey, I win! - You got me on a bad day.
- Yeah, right! David has to be the best at everything.
It's a family trait.
Archie: Hurry up, David! I imagine he's feeling rather rootless at the moment.
Oh, he'll say it's freedom or some such nonsense.
But it comes to the same in the end.
Yes! Archie on the other hand has found his place.
And you and Archie have found each other.
Hmm I just don't like the way he treats Archie.
Don't be too hard on him.
He needs us and I suppose in a way we need him.
Why would we need David? To keep the memories alive.
Don't let him feel too pushed out.
( laughing ) What do you think? Smart enough for Irene? Is she dressing up, then? Thought we might go for a wee drink later.
- She likes flowers.
- Does she? Bouquets.
You know, flowers out of a shop with a wee written note on and that flower food stuff.
Bigger the better.
She's not one for the single rose.
A man has to show he cares.
That's what she said.
Right.
Thanks, Duncan.
No worries, Golly.
Archie's not here.
I know.
Can we start again? Archie and I go back a long way.
I'd hate to fall out with him.
Yeah ( clears throat ) Me, too.
Hmm, we have something in common.
Listen, do you think we could be friends, David? Yeah.
I'm sure we can.
I just don't want you to feel just 'cause me and Archie are married now, that- - that you'll come between us? - Yeah.
You won't.
You'll be late.
They can't start without me.
Me neither.
Are you coming, too? Don't worry.
I'm only there to help with the picnic.
Oh.
Lexie: They're having fun, eh? The boys? Golly: How about yourself? If I think David's bad for Archie, I should tell him shouldn't I? Well, if anyone's going to tell him it would be better coming from his wife.
Is that what marriage is all about- telling your husband he's making a fool of himself? I wouldn't know about that.
Why have you never married? I don't know.
- It's 'cause you're a free spirit, Golly.
- Hmm.
is that what I am? - ( laughs ) aye.
- A free spirit? See all this? All this and no one to share it with.
That's not being free, Lexie, that's just being lonely.
Archie! Look! Well done.
Here we go.
Oh, and listen, that's between you and me.
As far as anyone else is concerned, I'm a free spirit.
- Okay? - Okay.
Golly: Okay, just one more.
That's it.
Archie, everything all right with you and Lexie? Yeah, fine.
Why shouldn't it be? A bit of a chill in the vicinity.
Have you thought any more about my proposal? - I will, I promise.
- Good, make sure you do.
Thanks.
- Well done, David.
- A kiss for the winner? - What? - It's the custom.
( laughs ) You've not won yet.
- On account then.
- What are you doing? - Archie's not watching.
- Yeah, well, I am.
( chuckles ) ( flapping, quacking ) Good shot, Archie.
Mine! Yes! - Jonathan! - What? Did I hit anything? Yes, Jonathan, I believe you did.
What's Sarah like? - Who? - David's fiancee.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
I've only known David for a few weeks.
We met through a mutual business acquaintance.
This is sort of a business trip.
Corporate entertainment I think he called it.
Oh, a business trip? Oh, I shouldn't have said that.
David swore me to secrecy.
Still, no harm done, eh? No.
Did you know that archaeological investigation is our main source of knowledge for prehistoric, ancient, and very old things.
- ( blender whirrs ) - ( loudly ) I've always been very interested in prehistoric archaeology.
Even before man could write the archaeologist was king- ( softly ) King.
You don't have to compete, Duncan.
No, really, even at school my archaeology teacher said I had natural ability.
I'm not a bone for you and Golly to fight over.
I like you the way you are.
- You do? - Yes.
You mean you're not interested in me for my mind? No.
Me neither.
- ( blender spins ) - Ohh! Sorry.
There.
- Mine, I think.
- No.
I saw it first.
Just like you taught me, Golly.
Just like you taught me.
- Why'd you do that? - You didn't deserve it.
- Archie did, I suppose? - Just give me the gun.
Golly.
- Golly, he's my guest.
- If you were any kind of friend to him, - you would sort him out about a few things.
- What's that mean? Open your eyes, son! He's right, Archie.
This has nothing to do with you! Why do you think Jonathan's here? He's an old college friend of David's.
No- he isn't.
He hardly even knows him.
He's just a business acquaintance and David is using this weekend to try and impress him.
Another one of his scams, no doubt.
He lied to you, Archie.
He must have had his reasons.
Yeah, he saw you coming.
Has done ever since you were boys.
Just because you don't like the man doesn't mean he's a crook.
He made a pass at me! ( sighs ) Hi, it's about the bouquet.
I phoned earlier.
The romance special I think it's called.
Golly? Ah, Kilwillie.
Thank you.
Isn't that a bit girlie for a ghillie, Golly? Molly: It won't be long now, Hector.
Ta-da! Oh you fool, Kilwillie! You've let him escape! - What's that? - It's a surprise.
I've no time for surprises.
- It's a telescope for your observatory.
- what observatory? You said you were going to have an observatory in the tower.
There's a particularly interesting alignment of venus tonight.
I thought we could watch it together.
Sounds fascinating.
Hector? Hector? Molly, Hector is dead.
Kilwillie, I know Hector is dead.
Then why, Molly dear, do you persist in talking to him? It's so dreadfully american.
- I was talking to Hector the wolf cub.
- Wolf cub? The runt that I rescued from certain death at great personal risk to myself, I might add.
And you, Kilwillie, have let him escape.
Oh, Molly! Oh ( laughs ) Thank you, Golly.
That was fascinating.
Burial sites are definitely my thing.
Listen, I know a place where the wind doesn't blow.
And the sky's so low you feel you can reach up and touch the stars.
That's a lovely thought, Golly.
Another time, maybe.
Right.
right.
I thought you'd lost your marbles.
Lost my marbles? Archie asked me to keep an eye on you.
- Oh, he did did he? - Yes.
So that's what all this is about- keeping the doddering old dowager happy.
Molly, these are from me.
Tokens of my very deep and profound admiration.
I am disappointed in you.
Really I am.
I'm sorry, Molly.
I am terribly sorry.
If you want to make up for this treachery, you will help me find the cub and you won't breathe a word of it to anyone.
Whatever you say.
I lost my job three months ago.
One or two speculative moves that went wrong.
A little bit too much of this.
So I- struck out on my own.
So far things haven't quite worked out.
But- money's gone.
Sarah with it.
I don't suppose she could stand the for-richer- for-poorer bit.
Why didn't you tell me? Jamie's little brother? I don't need your sympathy, Archie.
Just my money, hmm? There is no nickel thing, is there? No.
- What were you going to do with the money? - it was a loan.
I'd have given it back.
When? - And who exactly is Jonathan? - Business acquaintance.
- Not a friend.
- I'm working on that.
If you wanted to use me and my house for corporate entertainment - all you had to do was ask.
- Well, I'll know to next time.
There won't be a next time.
( chuckling ) Okay, David, what happened with Lexie this morning? - What do you mean? - you know exactly what I mean.
Unless, of course, you're saying my wife is a liar.
( laughing ) What is this? Kiss and tell.
Come on, Archie.
Just a bit of fun.
How much fun exactly? Well a pretty girl.
You should know- quite a lot actually.
I was going for the Royal MacDonald.
( laughs ) I needed to take something away with me.
( chuckles ) That was a lucky punch.
Boys, that's enough.
I said that's enough! Sorry, Golly.
I'm all right.
Stop it! I think you better go.
I had him, Golly.
I really had him.
Yes, son, I believe you did.
( woman screams ) Easy now.
Easy there.
That's it.
That's it.
Easy now.
Easy boy.
Easy! take care! Stay back! Oh, come on, Hector.
Some nice people from the wild animal sanctuary are coming to collect you.
So you see I haven't lost my marbles.
She's wonderful.
I don't know what you were worrying about, old boy.
Have you been fighting? Hmm, tsk-tsk-tsk.
It's just- seeing you and Molly and the house- I wanted it to be like it always was.
Things will never be the same, David.
I can't say I didn't try.
No.
Bye.
( car starts ) Are you two boys friends again? I don't know.
He reminds me of Hector.
Father? No, the runt.
I feel sorry for David.
- You're not thinking of taking him in as well, are you? - No.
It's time to move on, mother.
Jamie's gone, so is father.
Talking of which, I think it's time we cleared out Jamie's room.
Yes, yes I believe you're right.
You've got to impose your will on the beasties.
Show them who's boss.
One wrong move and you're dead.
Duncan, you are a very brave man.
Well, wolves are dangerous thing- natural born killer- ask Golly.
Maybe not.
- Have they gone? - Yeah.
Will you miss him? Probably.
Even though he bring out the worst in me.
I could have told you that.
( chuckles ) I think you did.
- If you love me- - and I do.
Then you must tell me everything.
What? Nothing.
just something me and Golly were talking about.
I love you, too, Mrs.
MacDonald.
( theme music playing )