My Name is Earl s04e04 Episode Script

No, Earl, you're not listening.
I never said "instead of.
" You'd still have your regular hands, but you'd also have robot hands.
Okay, fine.
Yes, with robot hands, you could open beers faster.
Thank you.
Jeez! - Oh, wow.
Look, a hat.
- Randy, wait! Every now and then Randy found a new hat, which brought the unwelcome addition of lice and a new personality.
Let's go get some chicken wings.
Howdy, pilgrim.
Yo, yo, yo, what's up, my home Earl? But Randy hadn't found a hat in a while, and I was hoping this time, it'd be different.
Wouldst thou fancy a beer? I certainly shall.
Son of a bitch.
Don't dally! STOLE AN RV Darnell, I do believe I'll have a beer in a glass.
And why don't we throw a cherry on top? Thank you, my fine sir.
Oh, so suave.
I feel like I'm in Rick's Cafe American.
Casablanca.
They don't watch black & white movies, 'cause it reminds them too much of newspapers.
They don't watch black and white movies because it reminds whom too much of newspapers.
Now, if you'll excuse me, therefore, what for, wherewithal, henceforth, English muffins.
I seen the giant pig! I seen Pigsquatch! There was a legend of a giant pig that lived in the woods near the trailer park.
Nobody sober had ever actually seen it.
Pigsquatch! Until Joy.
Pigsquatch.
Maybe the neighbor just wheeled his shut-in mom out to the yard to hose her off again? I know the difference between a prehistoric pig and Jumbo Sally.
You know what I'm going to do? Catch him.
What would you do with a giant pig? Make a damn fortune.
Tourists pay good money to see giant stuff.
World's biggest Slinky, world's biggest staircase, which is next to the world's biggest Slinky.
Even me and this idiot paid $10 each to see the world's biggest anthill.
Remember that? When we took that RV trip? I did remember, cause that RV trip she was talking about was #47 on my list.
A while back, the kids were mistakenly detained by Child Protective Services.
Since we knew they were in good hands, we decided we wanted to go on vacation.
So we stole one.
And we discovered we hadn't just stole a vacation, we stole a whole new lifestyle.
Check it out.
These RV people have special glasses just for wine.
Wow, it looks like it's on stilts.
That's really smart.
It's closer to your mouth, so you can drink it faster.
RVs are so much better than trailers.
When a twister's coming, you just drive away.
Instead of sitting in a bathtub with a pillow on your head like a chump.
I ain't ever going back.
Don't have to.
We're RV people now.
Thanks to this baby, it's going to be stilt glasses, cup holders on the walls, and tables that turn into beds from now on.
Cheers to hittin' the freakin' jackpot! Randy, did you turn off the stove when you were finished cooking? I mean, my hands were full, so I blew it out.
I figured what's the worst that could happen? Now, we know.
And just like that, our RV'ing days were over.
Luckily, the guy we stole it from was living in the same spot.
Just without wheels.
There's gotta be something I can do for ya.
Get you a new RV? - Find you a new place to live? - I don't want nothing.
Just leave me alone and let me sit here and wait to die.
I got to cross you off my list.
You wanna cross me off your list, just pump me full of morphine and beat me over the head with that rake till I'm dead.
I wasn't going to kill the guy, but I wasn't gonna do nothing, either.
So I decided to watch him and see if I came up with any ideas.
And I found out he wasn't lying.
He was just waiting to die.
And while I still didn't know what I was supposed to do to help him, at least I figured out a place to start.
Morning, Jerry! I'm here to fix your roof.
- Sorry.
- Doesn't matter.
While I was fixing Jerry's roof, Joy was getting started on her get-rich-quick pig plan.
Baby, the boys are hungry.
Where's the bacon? On the end of this string.
Soon as Pigsquatch gets a whiff of it, I'm going to pull the string, lure him to me, and then knock him out with a baseball bat.
You can't catch a pig with bacon.
That's like trying to catch a cow with a cheeseburger.
I'm hearing a lot of "no" and "can't" from you right now, if you're not gonna get with the pig-catching program, shut up.
All I'm saying is, the boys are drinking Tom Collins mix for breakfast.
We can't send them to school like that.
Although I'd spent the morning fixing Jerry's roof, I couldn't help feeling that I still hadn't done enough.
Well, at least it shouldn't rain on you anymore, huh? Here, let me get that for ya.
Wait, Randy.
Go back a station.
Jerry, you're moving.
You like that jug music? Love the jug.
It's the easiest instrument to learn.
Hardest to master.
Actually, that's not true.
Hell, in a good wind, it actually plays itself.
You could be dead for all that jug cares.
I miss my jug.
I used to have one before you blew it up in that RV fire.
Jackass.
It still didn't seem like it made up for burning an RV, but at least fixing his roof and getting him a jug were better than doing nothing.
That is a beauty.
Brings back good memories, huh? My RV was filled with memories: doohickeys, things from my past.
You know, mementos.
Yup, the freshmaker.
Well, that's what I can do to make up to you, Jerry.
Find some way to replace the things that got burned up in your RV.
What else did you have in it? My dead wife.
I don't think so.
We would've remembered a dead wife.
No, pictures of her.
I had pictures of her all over the wall.
I met her when I first came back from the war in Korea.
Those pictures kind of made me feel like her arms were around me.
This was her song, "Moonlight Sonata".
And that, gentlemen, will get you laid.
I didn't know how to replace pictures of Jerry's dead wife, but if he needed some arms around him, I had an idea where to go.
That's a good one.
My favorite's still the one where you're riding it sidesaddle.
Acting ladylike on a giant pig.
That makes me laugh.
Just keep taking pictures before this thing wakes up.
Holy crap! You caught Pigsquatch?! How'd you do it? Put some sleeping pills in a bucket of slop.
Basically, the pig version of how I got you to marry me.
Nice! Do you still have that doll you bought to make Darnell think you were in bed when you ran to Mexico to avoid the cops, but got caught by Dog the Bounty Hunter, went on trial, and I went to prison for it, then got out, then got hit by a car and went into a coma where I thought I was living in a sitcom world? Can I take her? It's for a good cause.
Don't know.
Me and Darnell still use her sometimes on date night.
Boys, Mommy and Daddy are going out.
Aunt Gretchen's here to babysit and if I were you, I'd stay in your room, 'cause she brought her paddle! Okay, baby.
Let's go eat some shrimps.
You know what? If you want her, you can have her.
I caught Darnell taking a bath with her the other day.
Says he was washing her.
I have my doubts.
Thanks, Joy.
Joy, come here.
Does this pig look funny to you? All pigs look funny to me, Darnell.
Porky, Petunia, Miss Piggy Hilarious.
No, I mean in that it's not breathing.
He's dead.
And I don't think anybody's going to pay to see a dead pig.
He's not dead.
He's just sleeping.
Oh, hell! I only gave him 50 pills.
My mama used to take that many every friday night, wash it down with a gin, and wake up the next morning fresh as a daisy to do her paper route.
Damn lightweight.
Once I got the real doll from Joy, me and Randy gave it a makeover and changed it into a real old doll.
Hey, Jerry, check it out.
Arms to put around you.
What good is a plastic mannequin going to do me? Give it a shot.
Can you make the hug tighter? After he got the doll, Jerry started thinking about more things from his trailer that he wanted us to replace.
Like his old animal heads.
And the more stuff we replaced, like his old hunting equipment, the more alive he became.
When we tracked down an exact replica of his Special Forces uniform, he was a new man.
And he was feeling so good, he even wanted to go out for a drink.
Oh, there's one more thing I need.
It's a pendant.
There's only one other like it in the whole wide world.
An old army buddy of mine has it, I would like to go with you to get it.
That's the spirit.
Hip-hip cheerios, Harry Potter.
I was feeling good.
I hadn't given up on Jerry, and it paid off.
I really felt like I brought a man back to life.
According to the VFW, this is the place.
I want to thank you, Earl.
All I wanted to do was die.
Now look at me.
I got my stuff back, I got my plastic wife to hug, and now I'm going to cut this jackass's ear off! I can't thank you enough, Earl.
Did you say "cut off his ear"? You're going to cut off your army buddy's ear? That's what the pendant was.
I'd have called it an ear, but you wouldn't have driven me here.
Ends up, during the Korean War, Jerry and his buddy were caught behind enemy lines when Jerry got wounded.
Jerry, we both can't make it.
No, don't go! Haven't you seen the movies? Never leave a man behind.
No, but I've seen the ones where they say, "Go on without me.
" Sometimes they even say, "Marry my best girl!" Sorry! But the only thing Jerry could keep from leaving was Joe's ear.
Come back here, you coward! You're a coward! Jerry got captured, and held onto the ear as a reminder of how much he wanted to survive.
And as the months passed, the ear became more than a reminder.
It became a companion.
I got four pretty ladies.
What do you got, Joe's ear? Damn, Joe's ear, you're good.
It continued to be a part of his life even after the war.
Okay, Isabel, Joe's ear, we're off to see the world.
- Sorry, I can't let you do this.
- I'm not asking for your permission.
That coward left me for dead for 50 years, and he never gave it another thought.
Jerry, give me the knife.
Look out, Joe! - What the hell's going on out here? - Jerry Burn, he's here for your ear.
I'm here to protect you from him.
Where is he? After I got my voice back, I told Joe about the RV and finding Jerry half dead, and what I'd been doing.
You idiots.
Do you know what you've done? You brought a killing machine back to life.
- You okay? - Heart pills.
Top pocket.
Do you ever perchance think of gluing a seashell to where your ear used to be, so it would look normal? And you'd always get to hear the ocean.
Yeah, that's my biggest problem, right now.
You guys don't seem to understand what we're dealing with here.
I saw Jerry kill three Koreans with a single bullet.
No gun.
Just pressed the bullet right into their skulls.
I'm calling the cops! He cut the line.
Well, he's not the only crazy old man around here.
- Oh, mother.
- Blimey! Before we panic and do something we might regret, at least let me talk to Jerry.
He seemed reasonable, except for the throat punch.
Okay.
Let's see.
Hey, Jerry, I'm sorry about what hap Okay, boys, this is it.
Cinch up your apple sacks.
We're going to war.
And I wasn't the only one dealing with a scary thing in the front yard.
Since the pig didn't die of natural causes, the county wouldn't haul it away.
I can't believe the county won't remove dead pigs.
I can't believe nobody answered our ad for 800 pounds of free pork.
You know what? Screw it.
I'm going old school.
Oh, my God! I'm in the pig! Earl, this hat sucks now.
It's got a hole in it.
- It looks like a hobo's hat.
- Randy, this really isn't the time.
Joe, this is crazy.
You don't have to kill each other over something that happened 40 years ago.
Learn your history! It was 55 years ago.
Pin, pin, pin! Nuts, and I'm shaking like a geisha on sake.
It must be the Parkinson's.
You better do it.
Earl, we got to go back to that bus stop, see if they got another hat like this one.
Randy, I'm defusing a grenade! I can't wear this.
I'll look stupid.
You're gonna look stupid anyway.
It's a stupid hat.
Like all your other hats are stupid, 'cause when you wear a hat, you act stupid.
- Even the newsie cap? - Yes, the newsie cap.
"Hey, mister, want a paper? "I'll have a sandwich with extra mayonnaise.
" I hate all your hats! Will you guys shut up and put the put the pin in! I don't believe you two guys.
Arguing over a hat, a damn hat! I'm going to get killed because there's a lunatic out there who's mad as hell because I left him in the field! I left him in the field.
My best buddy.
He needed my help, and I left him.
I left him.
That was the first time Joe ever said those words out loud, but it'd been in his head since the day it happened.
He'd gone off to war hoping to be a hero, but quickly found out he was just a scared kid.
Jerry felt that Joe ran away and never gave it a second thought, but Jerry was wrong.
Joe thought about it every day of his life.
Joe, come back here, you coward! You coward! When I was given the choice to save my life or save someone else's, I chose to save my own.
Maybe Jerry deserves to take the other ear.
Hell, I'd give it to him, too, if I didn't remember it hurt so damn much.
How much did it hurt? About as much as getting your ear cut off.
Oh, God, he's on the roof! Wait, wait, wait.
Joe, wait! Maybe we should call an ambulance.
Or that.
Oh, my God.
You killed his wife! Now he's really gonna be pissed.
Quick, back in the house! Come on! Jerry may have had the heart of a killer, but that heart was 75 years old.
I think he's having a heart attack.
Randy, go for help.
Joe, I need your pills.
Both of you? This should be a lesson about trying to kill people when you're over 60.
I only got one pill left.
What are you doing? What I shoulda done Open your mouth, you old buzzard.
Never leave a man behind.
In the end, they both survived.
It's okay.
You saved my life, so we're even.
There's no doubt in my mind.
While you can't reattach a severed ear, it's never too late to fix a severed friendship.
Losing your temper can be a good thing.
Jerry and Joe had let their bad feelings sit inside them for years, rotting like a pig in a front yard, and it took a fight to work everything out.
The same with me and Randy.
Thanks for telling me I acted different in hats.
I won't do it again.
I promise.
I'm just sorry I yelled at you.
Oh, that's okay.
Brothers fight.
Friends cut each other's ears off.
It's a crazy world, Earl.
I guess this is good-bye.
It can make anyone look good.
I guess, every now and then when you're stuck, the best way to clear the air is to have a big blowup.
Fire in the hole! Jarick & loky