Never Have I Ever (2020) s04e04 Episode Script

1
[upbeat music playing]
[McEnroe] Don't worry, folks,
you're not in an alternate dimension.
Our good girl
is actually dating a bad boy.
After a truly humiliating start
to senior year,
Devi was finally hitting her stride.
She was about to apply early to Princeton,
and she was dating a stone-cold ten.
And sure, Ethan wasn't good at school
or polite to adults,
but he had other skills
that Devi deeply respected.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go play the Wordle
while the next scene
illustrates said skills.
["Touch" by TENDER playing]
[breathing heavily]
Okay, so we're gonna be
home alone for hours,
and I was thinking maybe we could
Yeah.
feel that touch ♪
Feel me course through your veins ♪
Yeah, you love the idea of us ♪
So how should we do this? [sighs]
Me on top, or you on top?
Or perhaps, we could be side-to-side
to be more egalitarian?
- Have you ever done this before?
- Once.
But it didn't go so great.
Well, that's because you didn't have sex
with me.
Do you miss the smell of my skin? ♪
- ["Sideways" by Flasher playing]
- Wow.
[exhales]
See you tomorrow.
[McEnroe] I'm back.
And today's Wordle
should have been "shero"
because our girl has pulled
her senior year out of a nosedive,
and now she's absolutely soaring.
[screams in excitement]
["Sideways" continues playing]
Face in the background ♪
Speeding sideways ♪
[McEnroe] Devi was finally the type
of sexually active senior
she'd always wanted to be.
but right now, she needed to shift
her focus away from emissions
toward admissions
because today was the college fair, baby.
She would finally be face-to-face
with the admissions officer
who would decide
whether she got into Princeton.
And she was determined
to make an incredible first impression.
[Ethan] 'Sup?
I like your outfit.
You look like a little business lady.
- Hmm.
- It's hot.
[Devi chuckles, exhales]
Wanna go to the supply closet
and boss me around later?
[sighs] No, I can't.
I have the college fair.
And, hey,
maybe you should pick that trash up.
Mr. Morales, pick up your litter.
This isn't the 405.
Miss Vishwakumar, walk with me.
Mmm.
- I'll find you later.
- Okay.
Ms. Warner, wanna discuss
my plan of attack for the college fair?
No, no, I don't think you need any advice
on how to attack anything.
No, I wanna discuss who you're choosing
to spend your time with.
Ah, you're talking about my brand new,
smoking-hot boyfriend?
Yeah, you can give me
a high five for that.
Okay.
Look, I understand the appeal
for the bad boy.
Most of my exes have stolen my identity.
But you're getting ready
to apply to Princeton,
and I just don't want anything or anyone
to drag you down.
Trust me, nothing is getting in my way.
I've been practicing my spiel
for the Princeton rep for months.
The tone is gonna be
half-Sheryl Sandberg, half-Kool-Aid Man.
Breaking through the glass ceiling
and the wall.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Ms. Warner] Love it.
Just be careful.
Sometimes, certain people
can cloud our judgment.
Ms. Warner, I'm a modern woman.
I can do a bad boy and a good college
at the same time.
You'll see.
[upbeat music playing]
Hello, Miss Torres. Oh!
Elise, what a surprise.
Parents don't usually attend
these college check-ins.
I know! But it's a big decision,
so I thought we could all
tackle it together as a team.
Okay.
Well, Fabiola, what are you thinking?
Well, I've narrowed my list to 15 schools
that all have amazing robotics programs
and a high ratio
of single-stall bathrooms.
Well, these are excellent.
Michigan, Carnegie Mellon, Howard.
[Fabiola] They have
a killer mechanical engineering program.
So are you thinking
about early decision for any of these?
I don't think so.
I wanna cast a wide net so that I find
the absolute perfect school for me.
This is where I'd like to jump in.
I think Fab should apply early to an Ivy.
Oh, I don't even know
if I wanna go to an Ivy, Mom.
Everybody wants to go to an Ivy.
And applying early can help your chances.
Okay.
Um, there are Ivies
who do offer early action,
so you can still apply
to these other schools.
And which Ivies are those?
Uh, Harvard, Yale, and Princeton.
Well, I can't do Princeton.
That's Devi's school.
So I'm sure she'd love for you
to go to school together.
Mom, Princeton is insanely selective.
They're not gonna take
more than one person early
from a mediocre public school
in the Valley.
- No offense.
- No, no, no, that's pretty accurate.
And Devi would kill me
if I mess with her shot,
especially when she called dibs
on Princeton in, like, the first grade.
Fabiola, you cannot count out
a world-class institution
because your friend called dibs.
I expect you to look at
all of these schools at the fair,
including Princeton.
- Mom
- I said including Princeton.
Thank you, Jennifer.
[gentle music playing]
[door opens]
Guess who's back from LASIK?
Oh. Kamala.
Aiyo. How are you feeling, chellam?
- The surgery was actually fine.
- [Nalini] Uh-huh.
I'd say that Pati's driving
was more stressful.
What was I supposed to do?
Not reverse on the highway
because we missed our exit?
Okay.
Uh, Kamala, why don't you go to the couch,
lie down and rest?
Andres is just patching the drywall
upstairs. It's a bit of a mess.
Wait, Andres
is still working on the house?
Didn't you already have him
fix the stairs and then redo the garage?
What do you want me to do?
I mean, the house needs
to be updated, right?
Would you prefer if I just let it
fall down on our heads or something?
[school bell ringing]
All right, gals, it's game time.
Let's get into that college fair.
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, but first, how do I look?
Uh, fit check? Zit check?
Can you see this concealer blob
is hiding a hickey?
- Nope, you look extremely profesh.
- [Devi chuckles]
[gasps] Like a person who signs people up
for credit cards at the airport.
Thank you.
Ms. Warner said I couldn't do it all.
I can be both sexy and successful.
Wait. Why doesn't Ms. Warner think
you're succ-sexy?
Oh no, she does.
She just thinks that Ethan's bad for me.
Oh, well, that's true.
Yeah, he's like an anchor
pulling you down into the depths.
W-W-W-Wait, you guys agree with her?
But, Eleanor, you had a crush on him too.
Yeah. 'Cause he's hot.
But I wouldn't trust him
with my social security number.
- Or your email address.
- Or your passwords.
- Or your credit card number.
- Or your diaries.
Whoa, you guys are all wrong.
He's just misunderstood.
Yeah, by you.
[Eleanor] Devi, we get it.
You're having your sensual hornissance.
We love that.
When the sex haze wears off, we will
be here to help you flush that turd.
Okay, you know what, guys?
Really not enjoying this conversation.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go practice my spiel.
Hey. I think I'm on snack duty with you?
Oh, welcome.
I see that you also got snubbed
from the faculty trip to Margaritaville.
Wait, what trip?
Yeah. The rest of the teachers
are out day drinking
while we chaperone this mayhem.
So congratulations
on officially being real low status.
Uh, speak for yourself.
I'm not low status.
Mmm, you're an assistant swim coach.
I wouldn't call that a top-tier position.
So what? You're a substitute.
Yeah. I'm admitting
that I'm at the bottom of the barrel.
Oh, I I'm sorry, dude.
I didn't mean to hit a nerve or anything.
I'm just making conversation, you know,
at the saddest snack table in the world.
You didn't hit a nerve.
It's totally chill.
[McEnroe] If you can't tell,
Paxton was feeling a little insecure
ever since he overheard the new Hot Pocket
calling him pathetic.
Well, heads up, Pax,
another kick in the dick is incoming.
What's up, Paxton?
Hey, guess what. I, uh I just talked
to the ASU rep for, like, five seconds.
So I basically went through
as long as you did.
[chuckles]
Hey, that's real funny, bro.
Thanks, man.
So, uh, can I get some Fritos?
Yeah.
[whispering] Appreciate it.
[boys laughing]
[indistinct chatter]
[McEnroe] Devi was choosing to ignore
what her friends said about Ethan,
and instead focus on the person
who could decide the fate of her future.
A person who happened to be
[indistinct chatter]
- I think you should make the trip.
- [laughs] Indian!
[inhales sharply]
Big ups, gods. Thank you.
[McEnroe] The deities had provided,
and Devi was now a shoo-in
to wow her Desi sister.
Just as soon as she could get through
this long-ass line.
Come on, Devi.
What would Sheryl Sandberg do here?
Forget that.
What would the Kool-Aid Man do here?
I'd love to see. So here's some
Hi. [chuckles]
Hi. Um, there's a
I'm Devi Vishwakumar.
And here's why
Princeton needs a girl like me.
I'm at the top of all my classes.
I'm president of eight different clubs,
and I've read every single book
in the school library,
including the dictionaries.
So some would say
I was born in the wrong decade
- Devi, is it?
- [Devi] Mmm.
I'm Akshara, and I was actually talking
to somebody else.
Yeah, but I'm
Mmm.
And you're Mmm.
- Indian.
- Oh my gosh, vanakkam to you too.
You're still gonna need to wait in line.
Uh
Okay, how about the elevator pitch?
I'm in all AP classes,
including two languages.
I have a well over 4.0 GPA,
and I'm actually
first chair harpist in orchestra.
Well, I'm actually the only harpist,
but the harp
is a difficult instrument to master
That's great, Devi.
Thanks for stopping by.
Oh. Is that it? You don't wanna ask
any questions about myself?
Nope, I think I understand you
pretty well already.
Oh
Um
You know what?
O-On second thought,
I am gonna go to the back of the line.
And maybe we could start over
when I get to you?
Not necessary. Have a great day.
So these are the packages
I was talking about earlier
[McEnroe] Hold on.
What the hell just happened?
Did Devi just screw up
her chance at Princeton?
That's why Columbia
should be all about the Benjamin.
[McEnroe] Speaking of people
who are shitting the bed at this fair
[tense music playing]
[exhales]
[McEnroe] God, look at him.
He's making me feel stressed,
and I'm sitting in a bath right now.
[sighs]
[sighs]
Yo, Devi, what are you doing? Aren't you
supposed to be at your dork conference?
Nope. Because I blew it.
[sighs] The rep hated me.
What? That bitch.
Listen,
do you want me to slash her tires
or, you know, key her car?
No, please don't.
Agh! I think I just came in too hot.
Yeah, you did.
Okay, I appreciate
how you made that sound sexy,
but I really need to figure out
how I'm gonna fix this.
Okay. Here's what you have to do.
So you follow her to her car.
And then when she starts to back up,
you let her run you over just a bit.
She'll feel bad
and give you whatever you want.
What? Does that actually work?
Yeah. How do you think
I haven't been expelled yet?
- I get run over, like, once a week.
- Huh.
Okay, so do I need to put, like,
fake blood on myself, or?
- Oh damn.
- Uh No, no, I'm not gonna do that.
And honestly, Ethan,
you gotta stop messing with people's cars.
[exhales]
So, what are you gonna do?
[inhales deeply] I don't need a scheme.
I'm just gonna show her who I really am.
A mature young woman
filled with grace and dignity.
Please, please, please
let me have another chance.
Actually, we have a lunch break now,
so I'm gonna head to the lunchroom.
Oh, yeah, please, I just I feel like
I really misrepresented myself,
and I I just thought I needed to say
everything that I'm good at,
which I realize now is very unlikable.
I'm glad you realize that.
[sighs] I just
I've really wanted to go to Princeton
ever since I was a little girl,
and I guess the pressure got to me.
All right, I'll give you 15 minutes,
but I want one of those
California grain bowls you guys do here.
Yeah, yeah, coming right up.
[pleasant music playing]
It's kind of cool living with
three generations of women in my house.
Yeah, Indian families definitely
do not believe in nursing homes.
My grandmother shared a bunk bed with me
all through high school.
Damn. Pati is way too much
of a diva for that.
She demands a Cali king.
- [laughs]
- [Ethan] Hey, hey.
Uh Ethan?
You must be the Princeton lady?
Yes, I am. And you are?
[McEnroe] Oh no. What's this
beautiful bonehead about to do?
Is he gonna graffiti her face?
I'm Ethan, Devi's boyfriend,
and I just wanted to emphasize
what a sick student she is.
She's literally
the smartest person I've ever met. Um
This is the honor roll list.
I took it off the wall
of the principal's office.
She's at the top of it.
And this is, like, a crazy huge school,
so you should let her
into your college or whatever.
Wow. Impressive, Devi.
[McEnroe] Oh my God.
Was Devi's renegade romp partner
actually being helpful to her
academically?
Take that Fab, El, and Ms. Dubs.
Thank you, Ethan. That was really nice.
Don't worry about it.
Just want to hype my girl up.
See you later, okay?
Okay.
I had a boyfriend like him in high school.
Make sure to enjoy it
because there truly are none of those
in Ivy League schools.
Hmm.
[inhales]
[exhales]
[exhales] Pati,
how long have I been asleep?
[Len] About three hours.
Len? Where's my grandmother?
Yeah, well, I'm sorry to startle you,
but she went out to run some errands,
so she asked me to keep an eye on you,
and here I am.
- [scoffs]
- [phone vibrating]
Oh, look, it's Nirmy.
Oh, give me that.
Excuse me.
- Yeah.
- [Kamala sighs]
Pati, where are you?
I'm picking up groceries
so I can make medu vadai, your favorite.
However, I did get a little distracted
by the Bollywood movie
playing in the store.
Well, can you please come home now?
Of course.
As soon as the father approves
of his daughter marrying the lowly tutor.
Oh, so you're just going to leave me here
with Len? I don't even know him.
Give him a chance.
Len is a great caretaker.
Oh, but let me go.
Ranveer is doing a shirtless dance.
I'll be home soon.
[Kamala] What?
Pati, that's going to take ten hours.
Okay.
Look, I know it's a little weird
that I'm here,
but I gotta say,
I am the king
of staying home during the day, weekdays,
and we also have the holy grail
of playing hooky,
and that is The Price Is Right.
- [game show playing on TV]
- I can't see anything.
You don't have to see the bid
on household items.
You You know your household items.
You know what I'm good at?
Discount toiletries.
All right, Len,
I see that you do have some skills.
- [Len] Mm-hmm.
- Please hand me the saltiest snack.
That would be the popcorn.
- You want me to hold it for you?
- Yes, please.
Okay.
[Ben exhaling]
Hey. How did it go?
Did Columbia offer you admission
right there on the spot?
I haven't talked to them yet.
Uh, the line was too long.
I'm just gonna wait till after lunch.
Are you okay?
Why are you sweating so much?
I don't know.
I've been practicing my speech for weeks,
and I was waiting in line,
and it just started to feel
a little hard to breathe.
I think you're just panicking
a little bit.
Oh God.
Here, why don't you do your speech for me?
Maybe that'll help you loosen up.
Yeah, okay.
But, uh, promise you won't be judgy.
- I'm not gonna be judgy. Just go for it.
- All right. [clears throat]
Power, leadership, innovation, domination.
You're getting the full package
when you admit me.
And that's why Columbia
should be all about the Benjamin.
Okay, that was good.
I knew it. You're judging.
Yes, I am,
but only because that felt like
a Bowflex commercial.
What?
Why don't you try a version that sounds
more like you, or is more conversational?
Criticism is not what I need right now.
[Margot] Don't
go
Oh shit.
[Margot] Um
Here, here, let me try and wipe it off.
- Uh Ooh, that's
- Oh Oh
- Margot, just stop.
- [Margot] Uh
Goddamn it. Oh.
Shit, shit, shit. Okay, come on.
What the hell happened to you?
Don't worry about it.
Well, I hope you got to talk
to the Columbia rep
before you stabbed a minion.
- I haven't talked to the Columbia rep yet.
- What?
- But you can't talk to him like that.
- I know that, Devi.
Ah, damn it. I don't have
one backup cable knit in here?
- I actually do think I've got a
- Devi, just walk away.
How many times do I tell you
Margot doesn't want
Want us to talk? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I already know that was your decision.
I overheard you guys.
Listen I'm just trying to say
I have an extra shirt.
Yeah, hard pass.
[clicks tongue]
Just come with me.
[pleasant song playing]
All right, you seem like a women's medium.
Take off your shirt.
What? Oh, okay.
Put this on.
Never thought I'd be grateful
you're built like a shot-putter.
Um, please, I'm a snatched-waist
slim-thicc queen,
And so are you, apparently.
Okay.
Well, this actually looks pretty good.
Mmm.
But listen
[sighs] Yeah, yeah,
we're still not friends. I get it.
Now, go talk to Columbia.
[door opens]
[sighs] Okay,
I talked to Harvard and Yale.
I just need to grab
a brochure from Princeton
so my mom will get off my flipping case.
Sorry to use the F-word.
Devi's done, so you're good to grab.
Cool. Are you talking to any colleges?
[scoffs] No, I'm only applying
to acting conservatories.
I'm not a liberal arts person.
I'm a one-art person.
I'm only here to study regional accents.
[gasps] Ooh, University of Iowa. BRB!
Hi. What's your name?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I'm just grabbing a brochure.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Wait, are you on the robotics team,
or is that, like, an ironic shirt,
and I am just proving how old I am?
Oh, uh, yeah, I'm actually the captain.
Really? Is that something
you wanna study in college?
Robotics?
Yes, it's my passion.
One of my best friends
is actually a robot.
Probably shouldn't have
said that out loud.
Well, Princeton
has a phenomenal robotics team.
They're building Micromouse maze-solvers
autonomous drones,
and, sorry to geek out,
but this year they're building
a fully functioning BB-8 droid,
like from
- The Force Awakens?
- Hmm.
Yeah, I'd say we have the best program
in the Ivy League.
Here's my email if you have any questions.
Oh wow, thank you.
Mm-hmm. No problem.
I didn't get your name.
Uh, it's Fabiola Torres.
- Hello. Can I help you?
- What?
N-No, this isn't my shirt.
- Excuse me?
- Uh, sorry. No, nothing.
I just I had to borrow a girl's shirt.
I don't know why I'm telling you that.
- Um, hi, I'm Ben.
- Hi, Ben.
Did you sweat through the first shirt?
Happens all the time at these things.
No, um, I actually got a bunch of paint
on myself when I was
practicing what I was gonna say to you.
Ah. Well, then I think
that paint did you a favor.
I hate when kids come to me
with rehearsed spiel.
I'd much rather talk to someone
who's just being themself.
Really? 'Cause normally,
I don't trust my natural personality.
[laughs]
You seem okay to me, bud.
So why don't you tell me about yourself?
Okay.
Um, well, I'm really involved
at Sherman Oaks.
I've been wanting to go to Columbia
my whole life.
[breathing heavily]
You were so freaking amazing.
You made me look so good.
- You always look so good.
- [laughs]
I feel like
I could really get in, you know?
[Ethan] Mmm
I mean, I'm basically best friends with
[bag thuds]
[suspicious music plays]
Akshara?
Ethan, why do you have Akshara's wallet?
Because I stole it.
You robbed the Princeton rep?
Are you insane?
She was a bitch.
And she deserved it for icing you out.
Plus, there's some cash in there.
We could do a lot of damage
at Romano's Macaroni Grill.
How could you go into someone's purse
and steal their wallet?
Well, it was actually pretty easy
because it wasn't really a purse.
It was more of a tote
without a zipper or anything.
[sighs] Oh my God, you are a dirtbag.
What?
You're not a bad boy,
you're just a bad person.
That's a little harsh.
Ethan, thank you so much
for this incredible sexual awakening,
but I think I'm now having
a moral awakening.
I need to be with someone
who knows right from wrong,
and that doesn't seem to be you.
So you're dumping me?
[sighs]
[smacking lips] Oh, sweet Ethan.
Goodbye.
[McEnroe] Devi, do not knock on that door.
Just leave the wallet
in that potted fern and run.
She's gonna think you're a psycho.
Mmm.
[exhales]
Devi?
Why are you at my hotel?
Hi. Um
I have your wallet.
Oh.
I've been looking everywhere for this.
Thank you so much. Where did you find it?
Funny story. [chuckles]
Remember that handsome kid
that was formerly my boyfriend?
[inhales deeply] Well, he stole it.
Oh.
- Wow.
- Yeah. Turns out he's kind of the worst.
[scoffs]
Anyway, I'm really sorry
about almost all of our interactions.
I would understand
if this is a deal-breaker.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Mm-hmm.
Why admit this to me?
You could've just tossed it
in that potted fern over there and run.
Yeah, I know,
but it felt like the right thing to do.
Mmm. Well, I appreciate your honesty.
It was brave bringing this back to me
not knowing if I was gonna press charges.
Oh my God, was that on the table?
I was joking.
[chuckles nervously]
You're a good kid, Devi. I think
you have a bright future ahead of you.
As long as you stop dating thieves.
Yep, I can do that.
[uplifting music playing]
Huh.
[Shrimp] Yeah, I got it. Money.
Money. Oh my God.
[laughs]
Yo, what's up, Mad Pax?
Why you look all Fury Road?
Trent, can I ask you a question?
Am I a loser now?
What?
Don't you dare talk about
my best baby boy like that.
Those little punks used to worship me.
Now they're talking shit
straight to my face.
I don't know if you remember this,
but you're Paxton Hall-Yo-goddamn-shida.
You are the king of this jungle, baby.
You're a legend,
you're a handsome son of a bitch,
and you're that guy.
- Yeah.
- [Trent] Yeah.
Sometimes, I'm brushing my teeth at night.
I can't even believe we're best friends.
And if you want their respect,
you have to go in there
and make them remember who the alpha is.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- That's what I'm talking about.
I gotta go to class.
- [Shrimp] You're close.
- Yo, Shrimp.
Hey.
That little ASU joke back there
was pretty funny, huh?
Yeah, remember?
Everyone who heard it laughed. [laughs]
- Yeah, man, yeah.
- [both laugh]
If you ever speak to me like that again,
I'll give you Saturday detention
for the rest of the year.
[scoffs] Wait, what?
And I'll make your lunch period 9 a.m.
But I'll still be full from breakfast.
See, bro, I think you forget
who you're talking to.
And now I have the power
and the parking spot of a faculty member.
See, I can make your life miserable
if I want to.
So show some respect.
Look, I'm
I'm really sorry, Paxton, all right?
Please don't be mad at me. I
You You look really handsome.
Red is totally your color, man.
[upbeat music playing]
[gasps]
[indistinct chatter]
Len?
[indistinct chatter continues]
Pati, is that you?
[Len] Look, I can't talk about this
right now. There's somebody here.
- Hello?
- [woman] Whatever, sweetie, I'll call you.
[door closes]
Oh. Look who's up from the couch.
- Was there someone else here?
- Nope, just good old Len.
Your grandma should be home
in about ten minutes.
Oh! Come on.
Let's get you back to the couch
before you ruin your brand-new corneas.
But I heard somebody.
Oh, the neighbors love to talk and loud.
[McEnroe]
In Devi's attempt to have it all,
she nearly lost the thing
she cared about most.
Yes, she did care about
having a fulfilling sex life,
but not at the cost of her future.
And speaking of future,
it was beginning right now
for her and all the other kids
submitting early-decision applications.
After all, for dorks like these kids
Swoosh, baby.
college is where your life really starts.
I am so proud of you, honey.
You're gonna be glad you did this.
I really hope so.
[McEnroe] Unless, of course,
there's a Judas-sized obstacle
in your path.
[sighs]
["Bad Girls"
by Kid Francescoli & Julia Minkin playing]
You backwards motherlover ♪
Enough rap about
Good girls and bad girls ♪
That's enough about
Good girls and bad girls ♪
You backwards motherlover ♪
Enough rap about
Good girls and bad ♪
That's enough about
Good girls and bad girls ♪
You backwards motherlover ♪
Enough rap about
Good girls and bad girls ♪
That's enough about
Good girls and bad girls ♪
You backwards motherlover ♪
Enough rap about
Good girls and bad ♪
Bad girls ♪
[song ends]