New Girl s04e04 Episode Script

2 Ooh-hoo-hoo, yeah.
I like those boobies.
Sweet little '70s boobies.
Bra burning, feminist boobies.
Bouncin' around like they ain't go no sense.
You like 1970s cans? See, not me-- I'm a 1950s guy.
Post-Korean War, pre-Vietnam War.
- My nana has those.
- Okay.
Check it out.
Holy cow.
- Almost too big.
- Too big.
- Way too big.
- Those are intimidating, right? Too small.
Gotta be able to palm a basketball, if you want to slam or jam or dunk it.
See, they're too straight for me, you know? I like 'em going in two different directions.
Oh, yeah, like his eyes.
Ooh.
Now, see, my boobs got to go "Ooh!" - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
You guys are ruling women out based on their breast size? It's the least important part of a woman's body.
Unless you're a baby.
Are you guys babies? - We're not babies.
- I'd like to think that that you guys see value in women's bodies other than - just the way they look.
- Come on, Jess, you're really gonna tell me - that you don't care what a guy looks like? - Well I'll notice an attractive man.
I can go to the butcher and pick out a nice rump.
But I'm not gonna rule out a guy based on how he looks-- that's shallow.
- That's crazy.
- Yeah, right.
- That explains so much.
- What? Okay, if you saw me in the bar and I was a stranger, would you rule me out based on my breast size? Absolutely not.
Your breasts are perfect.
Now, if I saw your wonky knee? -That's a whole 'nother ballgame.
- What w - Wonky knee? - You have a wonky knee? You think I have a wonky knee? The left knee's perfect.
Uh, but the right one's got some stuff.
- Why? - Well, stuff.
Oh, why do you think I always let you take your own pants off before sex? Because you're the laziest person I've ever met.
Wonky knee, huh? I have a Sesame Street problem.
This is what's wrong with men in this country.
You all sit around all day and you read your porno magazines What's a porno magazine? And you think that's what women are supposed to look like.
Well, I have news for you, okay? Real women are wonky.
Perhaps.
But, like climate change, we pretend they don't exist.
Right? Do you guys all just think you're so perfect? - Yeah.
- Pretty close.
Ah, please.
I mean, you're an eight, you're an eight and a half.
Everybody knows I'm a sweet, sweet six.
Winston, for the last time, stop rating us.
Jess, I know I'm not perfect, but if you're asking me if I judge, you know, women based off their breasts, then the answer is yes.
Everybody knows that boobs are a direct indicator of personality.
All right What are you guys doing? Yeah, how you walking on this thing? That knee is not architecturally sound.
I don't trust it.
Man, if you had a jacket on with a bunch of yellow feathers, I'd be done! I've had enough.
This is insulting.
I'm so sorry, I know I don't know you, I know this is your booth, but, uh, my friends are really pissing me off.
I'm just gonna sit here for like five minutes.
Or maybe ten.
Probably an hour.
They're super annoying to me.
Okay.
Why are you mad at your friends? They're so shallow.
They're like They say that they have a boob shape preference, but when the chips are down, they'll take anything.
So would it be bad if I told you that I think you're hot? Shut your gross, beautiful face.
No, I'd love it.
Thank you.
- Hi.
I'm Matt.
- I'm Jessica.
Pleasure to meet you.
Hey, you, uh, you want to maybe go out some time? Yes, I do.
Yes.
Should I put my number in your phone or Yeah, that's that works.
- Great.
- Works for me.
But, you know, while-while we're on the subject of stupid physical stuff, you know, I should probably tell you before we go out, I have a micropenis.
Cool.
What? It's a medical condition-- it means I'm unusually small.
Technically, "Micro.
" Well lucky for you my eyes are bigger than my stomach.
I don't know what that means.
But I'm free tomorrow night.
It's an actual medical condition.
Here's a web page all about it.
I don't know what I'm looking at.
Where is the It's right there.
I think.
Yeah.
No.
It's like a single tent in a a vast, dark forest.
It's like the letter "I" floating around in a bowl of alphabet soup.
Oh, that's awesome-- an anteater's being born.
Winston, it's a micropenis, bro.
That's a grown man? Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my God.
Come on, guys, stop it.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Are you honestly going on a date with somebody who has one of these? Yes, I am, 'cause I don't care what a guy's body looks like.
You know what revs me up? A fertile mind and a gentle spirit.
A nice, smart guy How do you know he's nice? You barely know him.
Man made it through middle school with that ghoulish raisin.
He's a hero.
I bet you're not gonna last a week with this guy.
I bet I last at least a month.
- You want to put money down? - Oh, absolutely.
- 500 bucks.
- All right.
Great.
You said yeah? If I date him a month, then you will donate 500 bucks to the National Organization for Women's Love Your Body campaign.
And if you win, I will get you a subscription to the porn site of your choosing.
- Really? - Yeah.
Nubile Nubian Butts.
- We know, dude.
- Shut up, Winston.
We're gonna go with Ass Chat.
Ass Chat? Come on, what is that-- two butts talking to each other? It's not butts talking to each other.
No, it's all a lot categories.
I'd like you to realize, someday, that a nice, sweet guy who just happens to have a little squeaker is just as attractive as a guy with a blue-ribbon hog that's ready for market.
Honey, if you have a blue-ribbon hog, you don't take it to the market, you breed that pig.
- 'Cause what's he gonna do at the market? - Shut up, Nick.
- You know what I mean? - Winston, honestly I'm sure the National Organization of Women will look forward to your donation.
Hey, boys, want you push heavy up? Get 'em, Heavy.
We got us a bet.
So I'm like "Screw it grandma I'm-a become a street artist, yo.
" I mean, most people see a wall and they just see a wall.
I look at a wall and I see, like a goat in a backpack.
- Right.
- Like, a ninja handing out cheeseburgers.
A chill alien, you know? Well, who doesn't see a chill alien? - That's my question.
- Lot of people.
Lot of people.
It's sad.
You have any tattoos? - No.
- I got seven.
- Oh, good.
- Check it.
Star.
I have a question-- do you know of a web site called "Ass Chat" and do you know if it's socially conscious? Just based off the name, I'd say, probably, yeah.
Okay, so you guys are kind of bringing the bar vibe down, and I need tips, so pretend that you're having fun or pay for me to go to college.
You know, if I could give that poor man some of my penis, I would.
But, obviously, you don't pull a bumper off a Ferrari.
It did go fast, I'll give it that.
You know, when I look at that picture, I think to myself, "Is there a God? And if-if there is, did he run out of clay?" I just put five dollars in the jukebox.
We got a Paula Cole rock block coming our way.
I'm just so thankful, you know? Here we are, beautiful as all heck.
Normal to above-normal endowments.
- That's right.
- It's like why were we given so much while others were given so little? I don't understand.
You know, I look at you and I see a stunning physical specimen.
It's like you were created in a la in a lab.
Full of gay scientists.
You have a perfect body, my friend.
You're like the only Jewish Greek god Hercules.
- Thanks, buddy.
- You're cute as a button, bro.
- Appreciate that.
- You're swoll, my friend.
- No, look, I work at it.
- You're super swoll.
No, it's something I work at.
- No, I mean that, though.
- It doesn't happen overnight.
It's something that I put the work in, - just like you do.
- You look good, dude.
We're blessed, the two of us.
- Beyond blessed.
- Just I feel like we should be doing more to share our beauty with the world.
- Right? - It's frustrating.
- It's fru it's frustrating.
- So frustrating.
Let me ask you something, guys, have you ever considered modeling? Now, that would be a great way to share your beauty with the world.
- That's crazy.
- What? Winston, we're grown men with real jobs.
Modeling is a real job and, trust me, neither one of you could do it.
- What? - Give me a break, Cece.
I could model in my sleep.
Modeling is exactly what these two should be doing.
I bet they would take some amazing pictures.
A drunk baby with a phone in its mouth couldn't take a bad picture of you two.
- Oh, well - I mean I mean, I mean.
Nick.
- Yeah.
- Nick, um, uh, I need out of the bet.
Yeah.
No, seriously, 'cause, he's coming out of the bathroom soon, and, um, he's actually He's the worst.
- So the date's not going well.
- I know what you're thinking.
It's not 'cause of the thing.
First of all, he's a street artist; second of all, - he called a scotch on the rocks a Sko Ro.
- Ooh, that hurts.
I can't date him for a month-- like, I can't even spend like, five minutes with him.
- Yeah.
- So you have to let me out of the bet, please.
You're saying a lot of words, but all I'm hearing is, "He's too small.
" No.
It's not because of that.
He has a he has a tattoo that just says "Warrior Poet.
" Sounds to me like you're being pretty shallow, Jess.
No.
He tipped the waiter with a sketch of a hip-hop mouse.
- He did? - Yes! That's incredible.
- What's up, man? - What's up, man? Do you mind my if I graffiti your bathroom? I want to paint a skylight on the floor that looks into hell.
Oh no, that's okay.
I'd prefer if you didn't.
- Are you sure? - I'm positive.
Okay.
He's wearing skinny jeans.
They fit him like sweatpants.
Thinking of asking this lovely lady on a second date? No diggity, no doubt.
We can go speaker shopping, drink some Sko Ros, if that's where the rhythm takes us Um, unfortunately, I will be out of town for the next month.
- Oh, for trues? - Yeah, for trues.
Hello.
This drink is for you, from those gentlemen over there.
You the man.
Skol! - Do you know those bros? - Nope.
Anyway, I'm gonna be out of town for a month, but, uh, we can go out on another date, perhaps when I'm back.
Technically, our, um, one-month anniversary.
Jess, you're not going away for a month.
She keeps forgetting that that got canceled.
You're available.
No, but you keep forgetting it was rescheduled.
You weren't on the e-mail.
- Okay.
That doesn't sound for trues.
- For true.
You're not really going out of town, are you? Oh, gosh.
Uh, Matt If I'm being honest, I don't think we should go on a second date.
- I get it.
- Yeah.
- It's because of my micropenis.
- No! I looked it up and I-I actually feel like I could make that work.
No, it's Don't take this the wrong way, but it's actually your personality and everything about you.
You think I'm a douche bag.
You said that you thought street art was the closest thing to an education homeless people would ever get.
- Okay.
- And I when I asked you, "Is that a joke?" You said - Your mom is a joke.
- Yeah.
You said, "Your mom is a joke.
" Right? That's kind of a douchey response.
I'm really sorry.
I mean, I've been made fun of my entire life-- in school, in locker rooms-- so, yeah, I can be a douche bag sometimes.
But I'm this way because of my micropenis.
Later.
- Radiant.
- Yes, yes.
You don't even need this bounce board.
- You're making your own light, man.
- No doubt, no doubt.
- Winston, you getting this? - Oh, hell, yeah, dude.
I'm getting all of this.
- Flawless.
- Yeah, there you go.
All right.
Now give me some stuff like it's the first day of school, right? - Okay.
- That's right, and you got your backpack on.
Yeah, there you go.
But you packed your own lunch.
But what you don't know is when you were making it, you got some mustard on your forehead.
That's right.
Now you're playing Pictionary, okay? Now you're playing Pictionary, and what do you Ooh, now I got now I got my little card.
What am I gonna draw? What am I gonna draw? You get sardines.
They don't smell good.
How do I draw a smell? How do I draw a smell? What does that look like? That's modeling.
That's right.
- Wow, this is great.
- Hey, give me five.
I got to protein-load.
What do you see we split that last packet of Power Goo.
I cannot believe that this actually worked.
- Oh, man - No, that's a lie-- I would've been surprised if it didn't.
A classic Cece-Winston Mess Around.
- That's not a thing.
- All right.
So, guys, I was looking at the shots here, and they're really incredible.
I think I could call my modeling agent, if you want.
I know this we're-we're, like, just doing this for fun and everything, but part of me wants that to happen more than anything else in the whole wide world.
No, but my agent probably would only want one of you, and you guys are a team, so I shouldn't call.
- Hold on.
- You don't want to be rude to the man.
No, no, no, no, no.
We don't want to see you guys pitted against each other.
- P-Pitted against each other? - What are you talking about? I think, you know I'm more runway.
He's more - Yeah, I feel like I'm more catalog, - catalog, - high fashion.
- back of the mag.
You're t you're too big for high fashion.
Also, my agent really loves piggyback shots, so - We should piggyback.
- We'll piggyback right now.
- Let me get on, man.
- You get on me.
- I didn't know you guys had it in you.
- I want to be on the bottom.
- Let me be on the bottom.
- Yeah, yeah, you're a little piggy.
- Bottom's my game, dude.
- No, me You went to the market.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Little piggy went to the market.
- Just let me - Damn it.
- Oh, yeah.
No.
It's like shooting candy into a baby.
- That's it.
That's it.
- Yeah, give me that.
Give me that! I could I could I can totally dig this.
- Hey, Jess.
- Hey.
I know you're bummed and so I hate to do this, but I want to look at porn and you owe me a year's worth.
Yeah, okay.
You know what? You earned this porn.
And the VIP pass.
And the "Kitty Room Live Cam Experience.
" Do you really need all of this? Just click the boxes.
Matt was right.
I am shallow.
It's like I jumped to a conclusion about him, but I didn't have the whole story.
I thought I was better than you guys.
- But I'm a superficial size queen.
- Hey, guys? Can you tell Schmidt that my portfolio is way better than his portfolio? Look at that: I'm better wet, I'm better dry, my sexy baby is way more believable than his.
Watch, look-- Mama change baby 'cause baby made a dirty Okay, mine is way more sexy.
There are people lining up in the streets - to have sex with my baby.
- Liar! I don't like this.
You can't use that photo, unless you're planning on posing for the Tiny Nipples of America Foundation.
Yeah, you're one to talk, little Miss Princess Waist! Hey, I'm a 26! That's normal! - Yeah, in Asia.
- Who's talking to you, depression-era garbage man? I've been holding that in for two years.
- I said one thing.
- Guys, stop attacking each other! Come on.
He's making fun of you 'cause he feels sensitive about his geisha waist.
And you're putting him down 'cause you've got those cute little kitten teats.
Everybody has something.
She's right, you know.
She's right.
Look, I grew up fat, and I have scars that you can't see.
And I'm not talking about the stretch marks that I had removed by laser beams.
No matter how many miles I run, I'll never outrun that feeling.
Damn, son.
I didn't even know it was like that.
It'll always be like that, my man.
Still better than having a micro penis.
So much better.
Yeah.
- It's true.
Guys! - We're all covered in micro penises.
- No, I'm not.
- Come again? No, thank you.
- I don't want to be covered in anything.
- No, it's not true.
Yes! Yes! No! We all have flaws! We're all freaks! All of us.
We have to support each other! I knew it! I am better than you guys.
Thank you for helping me realize that.
I know now why I was superficial.
It's because I was scared.
Of my micro No.
No! Of mine.
What?! I'm saying that we should all celebrate our flaws! Together! I'm saying that The one day I wear jeans.
I'm saying, look.
We're exactly the same.
I'm sorry, what-what am I looking at? This monstrosity the doctors call a knee that I didn't know was a problem till, like, three days ago.
What the hell is this?! You have a girlfriend? He did! How can no, no, no! How dare you! That's War Question Mark! How dare you don't answer me! Think I should go.
You owe me $12,000! Wait, wait Jess, I can explain.
Okay, why are you not running after your girlfriend right now? If I'm being totally honest, she was getting a little fat.
No, she was That's crazy! I wouldn't behave like this if someone, just once just once, took the time to get to know You're not even crying! You are unbelievable! Is anything about you real? Anything? Do you even have a micro penis, or is that? It it looks like a little tiny pigeon's egg.
Don't you want to hatch the bird? No, I definitely, definitely do not.
You're you're a very complicated person.
but I'm glad I met you.
Sort of.
I mean, I don't know why, but I kind of am.
Anyway, take care of that little rug-rat.
He needs you.
Hey, man.
I'm just, uh It's all right.
I'm just, I'm just looking over some of the pics from today.
I don't know which one to send to the agent.
I've narrowed it down to 60.
- I can take a look at 'em.
- Yeah, okay.
Just tell me what you think about a couple of these.
I just, I don't know what's what at this point.
This "Hot Guy with a Kidnapped Son" He really looks like he's never gonna find his son.
"Classical Guitarist Loses a Shoe.
" That guy's never gonna find his shoe.
I don't know.
This is "Cuddles With Tigers.
" It's good.
This is "How Did I Get Up Here?" What do you think about this one? "Kiss the Cook.
" See, I like "Kiss the Cook.
" - It's catalogue.
- His lips are popping.
There's an accessibility with this one that I feel like Schmidt, relax.
I'm bowing out.
- I want you to have this.
- Come on.
What?! Why are you doing that, Coach? Because you obviously need this more than I do.
When you look in the mirror, you see a fat kid.
I don't.
I don't know how that feels.
I do.
It's my micro-p, yo.
If there's anything that could finally help you get over your body image issues, it's modeling.
- That's for sure.
- Yeah.
'Cause you're not a fat kid anymore, man.
You are a model.
- Now, say it.
- I don't know.
- Say, "I'm a model.
" - I'm a model.
- Say it louder.
- It doesn't feel real.
I need to hear you say it, or else I'm not gonna believe it, man.
I'm just saying, it's hard I'm a model.
- That's better.
- Hold on.
- I'm a model.
- Good.
- I'm a male model - You are a male model.
- I'm a male model! - What is happening? - What did we do? - I don't know.
Thanks, Coach.
Now, go journal.
- I'm gonna go journal.
- Right on, man.
What's going on with you two? What?! Nothing.
Man, we just being mega-cool over here.
What is going on, guys?! Wait.
Hold hold on.
Was all this a classic Cece and Winston mess-around?! - No! - Yes.
Yeah.
Do not acknowledge that is a thing.
It's not a thing.
Now, look, okay, look, we got a little carried away, but how are we supposed to know he was gonna get emotionally invested? This will destroy him.
You know that, right? You two got to make him a model.
I did not mean to hurt Schmidt, okay? But I can't make him into a model! Not in modern-day America.
In 1970s Israel maybe.
Get it done.
I hate when Schmidt cries.
Sounds like a ghost singing "Hey Ya!" *Hey ya* *Hey ya, oh, oh-oh * *I want to be your daddy* Fix it! It's glorious, isn't it? How did this happen? Are there just no laws in Koreatown? Uh, well, uh, Cece's agent saw Schmidt's portfolio and loved it.
Yeah, yeah, he, uh He fast-tracked it.
That-that's an industry term.
So, what am I selling here anyway? Oh, uh, you know,uh, - Korean-Jewish interrelations.
- All right.
I wanted to tell you that, um, the bank cancelled my credit card after I ordered you porn.
That's okay, I wanted to cancel it anyway.
- You paying for it kind of killed it for me.
- Yeah.
Just made me sad for everybody involved.
I wanted to give those girls a hug and say, "Wipe your face, go back to school, honey.
" So, guys, when does Schmidt get paid for this? Well the agency is pretty tapped after spending $1,887 on this billboard.
Well, why don't the Jew-Koreans pay for it? Well, it's an international thing.
- See? So, there's fees.
- Yeah, but you said he would get a check for $500.
Yes! Congrats, bro.
You deserve that $500.
Let's head out.
I think I'm gonna stay here for a little bit, - take this all in.
- All right.
Tell me more about this Internet porn.
Is there anything I would like? Like something with a story, you know? I don't think you'd like it.
Nothing about Victorian England or anything like that? Oh, there's some stuff, I don't think you would like it.
Millionaire!