NewsRadio (1995) s04e04 Episode Script
Super Karate Monkey Death Car
Well, then unless anybody else has anything, then, uh-- Hey, what's goin' on? Uh, sorry.
You're just gonna have to give us a little time to adjust.
What do you mean? Well-- Well, it's just that Matthew-- you know, that guy that you, um, fired-- would usually pick this point in the meeting to say something, uh-- - Idiotic.
- Well, I was going to say off-topic.
But I said "idiotic" first.
It's just hard getting through a meeting without hearing his sweet, little chirp.
Yeah.
Fine.
In the interest of workplace morale, for the rest of the meeting, I will act the part of Matthew.
Bill, that really isn't necessary.
No, Dave, I think a little creative role-playing might help us all learn more about ourselves.
All right.
I obviously didn't watch as much Zoom as you, but-- - Well, who's gonna play Bill? - I will.
I wasn't paying attention anyway.
I'll be Beth.
[ Beth .]
Hmm, great.
All right then, everyone.
If no one else has anything to add, um-- My cat is getting a hysterectomy.
Be that as it may, this meeting's-- [ Pounds Desk .]
Wake up, people! Blah, blah, blah.
This is an outrage.
How would you guys all like to take a little test today? [ Lisa .]
What kind of test? Well, it's a really fun test where I can get to know each one of you and what you do around here and how well you do it.
Now that sounds like a fun test.
Yeah! Well, that's the spirit.
Okay, good.
- So, Lisa, what's the test about? - How would I know? Well, you and Andrea are friends.
We are not friends.
She wants to be my friend, and that just makes me very nervous.
Don't be nervous.
People you don't like who want to be friends with you are the best kind, because you can make them do anything.
Well, I say what we should do-- Bill, that's very good.
You do a very good Matthew, but, uh-- I think there's something wrong with this chair.
Right.
That's exactly what Matthew would've said, but maybe we should just knock it off.
No, seriously.
I just tilt back-- I don't wanna take the test, Dave.
Beth, nobody wants to.
But I don't test well, and we all know that standardized tests are inherently racist.
Beth, this is probably something your parents should've discussed with you, but-- I know I'm white.
I'm just not white like you, Dave.
- Hey, Mr.
James.
- Hey, Dave.
Uh, where'd that picture of your mom go? Oh, would you believe somebody stole that? Oh, yeah.
- What's wrong? - Well, once again, your efficiency expert has the office functioning at peak inefficiency.
If medicine tasted good, I'd be pourin' cough syrup on my pancakes.
Did you see the good news? I don't think I have.
In the paper today? Look right there.
"Come hear Jimmy James read from his newly published memoirs at Books Et Cetera.
" Books Et Cetera! What memoirs? Oh, well, maybe the title will refresh your memory.
Jimmy James: Capitalist Lion Tamer.
Wait a minute.
Didn't that come out years ago? Yeah, it did.
Yeah, and didn't it-- Bomb miserably? Yeah.
That was the English-language version.
A few months ago I translated it into Japanese, and guess what.
- Uh-- - Number one in Japan, three straight months! Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
So I got to thinkin', why not take the Japanese version and have it translated back into English.
Mm-hmm.
That seems to work well for VCR instruction manuals.
Exactly! So I'll see ya-- I'll see ya at the readin'.
Uh, I would love to, but I'm afraid I can't.
Your efficiency expert's making us all write some stupid test this afternoon.
Well, who's gonna come out there and support me? - Well, Matthew's probably free.
- Dave, I'm readin' from the book.
I ain't colorin' in it.
I'll see you there.
All right.
I got a copy of the test.
Great, Joe.
Now Dean Wormer can never put the Deltas on probation.
Very funny, but if you don't wanna read it-- Of course I wanna read it.
Ah.
"Have you ever lied to a coworker? Is your résumé completely accurate?" What kind of test is this? It's a polygraph.
A lie detector test? Yeah, if you wanna sound like an idiot.
Hiya, guys.
Hey.
- What's goin' on? - Joe stole a copy of the test.
Oh, great.
That's gonna totally ruin the curve.
There is no curve.
It's a polygraph.
- A polygraph? - Yeah, a lie detector test.
Dave, I'm not an idiot.
Hey, Joe, tell Beth to get a lunch reservation for the entire staff, all right? Right.
And, Joe, do it secretly.
[ Clicks Tongue .]
Dude, I do everything secretly.
[ Door Opens, Closes .]
They shouldn't even call it a test if you can't get an A-plus on it.
Maybe they'll give out gold stars for honesty.
Gold stars are for babies.
A polygraph test? Why? Well, I don't know why, but I think if we're just prepared-- Bonjour.
Je m'appelle Matthew.
Welcome to Chez Jean-Jacques.
Our specials-- - Matthew? - Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here? Dude, you work here? It's not radio journalism, but it pays le rent.
- Can you get us free food? - You know, I would, but the boss watches me like a hawk, so I can only get it for Bill.
Did you guys come back here to tell me I got my job back? Uh, no.
No, this is just a coincidence, Matthew.
I know.
I was just kiddin'.
I'll be right back with your drinks.
[ Dave .]
All right.
Most of these questions are pretty harmless, unless anyone here has an extensive criminal record.
Well, she can't really ask us questions like that, can she? I don't know.
She's your buddy.
She's not my buddy.
She can ask us anything she wants.
Andrea fired that guy Larry from Payroll last week when she found out he had been arrested for vandalism, like, 10 years ago.
Wow, Larry from Payroll, we hardly knew ye.
Well, has anyone been arrested in the past year? Uh-huh.
Drunk and disorderly.
Nothin' big.
Uh-huh.
Bill? I had a little tiff with that traffic cop in April.
You remember.
Put in an insane asylum.
Oh, right.
Dave, this is a little hard for me to admit, but back in high school I got caught shoplifting.
Uh, Matthew, honey, you can't be fired twice.
Yeah, I heard that one before.
Matthew, these glasses are empty.
Well, you never gave me your order, did you? Well, uh-- Look, those are kind of minor offenses.
I'm sure if you're honest about them on the test, you'll be fine.
And the rest of the stuff is out of our league.
"Have you ever been convicted of three or more misdemeanors? "Have you ever been convicted of a felony? "Have you ever been convicted of a federal offense? Have you ever"-- Uh, yes, Lisa? Um, between the ages of 17 and 19, I was arrested seven times and have spent, all told, two months in jail.
Get outta here.
I was young.
I made some mistakes.
Seven times and two months in jail? Well, it wasn't even jail.
It was juvey.
Is anybody else turned on right now? And then when I was 17 I stole a car-- You stole a car? How'd you do that? Well, it's easy.
You can pull the ignition wires and cross 'em without any cosmetic damage at all.
But how did you get into the car? Put a brick through the window.
Lisa, I just don't see you as the joyriding type.
I'm not.
My car broke down and I was afraid I was gonna be late for the S.
A.
T.
's.
Didn't you commit any crimes that weren't S.
A.
T.
related? I broke into a library once.
To vandalize it? No.
I had a big history exam the next day, and the only copy of The Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.
Matthew, isn't any of our food ready? Yeah, Bill's is.
How's that steak, Bill? A tad overdone.
[ Grunts .]
- What about our food? - Guys, I'm sorry.
Le "kitcheone" is a little backed up today.
I'm afraid to ask, but what was your federal offense? Um, breaking and entering.
- That's not a federal offense.
- It is if you break into a post office.
-Oh, Lisa.
-I had to see if my college acceptance letters had arrived.
It was a long holiday weekend and I hadn't even heard from my safety schools yet! You know, maybe you can just lie on the test.
Oh, yeah, lie on the lie detector test.
That's a good plan.
Well, unfortunately, even if that worked, it wouldn't be enough for Lisa to lie.
- We'd all have to lie for her.
- What? "To the best of your knowledge, are any of your coworkers hiding a past criminal record?" - We all have to beat the test? - Can't be done.
[ Matthew .]
For Lisa, I'm in.
We've only got about 10 minutes.
- Just tell the kitchen we need our food wrapped to go.
- Okay, sure.
Matthew, did you hear what I just said? I did, David.
It's just you're talkin' to the wrong guy.
Why's that? Because I don't really work here.
I'm sorry.
I just-- You know, I was following you guys and I happened to notice that you came in here.
And I just-- I'm pretending to be a waiter, 'cause I just wanna be with you guys.
Need money for the steak? No, I got that.
Where are we gonna eat lunch now? Well, there's a place-- Lisa? Joe, bye.
Thank you, bud.
Okay, I'll-I'll-I'll pack that up for you.
Beth? Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth? Dave, you know what? I've gotta-- What? When am I gonna get my job back? Really, I'm startin' to go stir-crazy here.
Matthew, please be patient.
I'm doing my best.
Well, I'm doing my part.
I know you are.
Unfortunately, that's precisely why you were fired in the first place.
Okay, I'll see ya.
I'm hopeless.
Where are those people going? Their food didn't come fast enough, so they left.
What? You're fired.
Oh, no, no, gentle sir.
See, you cannot fire me, for I do not work here.
I did bring my résumé though.
Very good, Dave.
Now the next-- Oh, hey, Lisa.
Yes, you.
Hi, you! Hey, you're next.
Whoo! Gosh, she is fun.
Yeah, she is.
[ Lie Detector Buzzes .]
That doesn't count.
It's not really part of the-- No, no.
So I'm sure this next question is a mere formality.
Uh-huh.
"To your knowledge, are any of your coworkers hiding a past criminal record?" Hmm.
Not that I'm aware of.
[ Buzzes .]
Okay, just relax, Dave.
Are you sure? Honestly? Yes.
[ Buzzes .]
Well, the machine does not seem to agree.
All right.
You've caught me.
Yes, there is somebody in this office who does have a rather extensive criminal past, and that person is me.
[ Buzzes .]
Now, Dave, I know you.
I can't imagine you ever breaking the law.
Well, it was a little thing.
It was a long time ago.
I stole a road sign in my-- [ Buzzes .]
All right.
I spray painted graffiti on the gymnasium by-- [ Buzzes .]
I was arrested for shoplifting once.
Ha! Yes.
Convicted shoplifter.
The machine does not lie and either do I.
Oops.
Hang on a second.
I kicked the plug out.
There you go.
All set.
Dave? Huh? You were saying you're a convicted shoplifter? Mm-hmm.
[ Buzzes .]
Now, Dave, I bet you never even thought about shoplifting.
I have so thought about shop-- [ Buzzes .]
Oh, aren't you the cutest thing? I am not the cutest thing! [ Buzzes .]
Andrea, could I borrow Dave for a second? Yeah, sure.
I guess I can let old Scarface here go with just a warning.
All right, fine.
I just wanna go on record saying that I think this test is an invasion of privacy and a colossal waste of time.
Ain't he the cutest thing? Yeah.
Lisa, you're next.
Where'd she go? Lisa's not feeling well, Andrea.
- I'll go next.
- Excellent.
Give me a sec.
I'll set up.
Okay.
How come you're so calm? I'm chewing this Chinese herbal gum that I got down on Canal Street and it slows all the metabolic processes down, so I'll be able to lie all I want to.
- How do you feel, Beth? - Okay.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Why? Well, because your hand's in the coffeemaker.
[ Sizzles .]
Whoa, it's good stuff.
It's good stuff.
Well, here goes nothin'.
[ Thuds .]
What's the, uh, delay? I'm waitin' for the book to get here.
They didn't finish printin' it till this morning, so-- You haven't seen the book yet? No, not yet.
Sorry to keep you folks waiting, but the books just got here.
So, without any further ado, Jimmy James, C.
E.
O.
of Jimmy James Incorporated, will now read from his book, Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot, everybody.
Uh-- Uh, the original title of this book was Jimmy James: Capitalist Lion Tamer, but I see now that it's Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler.
I had the book translated into Japanese, then back again into English, so-- "Macho Business Donkey Wrestler.
" Well, there you go.
It's got kind of a ring to it, don't it? Anyway, I wanted to read from chapter three, which is the story of my first rise to financial prominence, so-- [ Clears Throat .]
"I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street.
"Many days, no business comes to my hut-- my hut.
"But Jimmy has fear? "A thousand times, no.
"I never doubted myself for a minute, "for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels "were girded with strength "like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat "and the opulence of buffalo dung.
" Comfy? Good.
Well, we kind of have become buddies over the past few weeks, haven't we, Lisa? Oh, thanks.
Well, anyway, since we're friends and all, I thought I'd just throw out all those serious questions and make this a real fun test.
So my question for you is, if you could be any kind of tree in the whole world, what kind of tree-- I stole a car! I mean, a sycamore tree.
"The glorious sunset of my heart was fading.
"Soon the super karate monkey death car would "park in my space.
"But Jimmy has fancy plans, "and pants to match.
"The monkey clown horrible karate, "round and yummy like a cute, small baby chick, would beat the donkey.
" Mr.
James will, uh-- will now answer any questions you might have.
You.
Yeah, Mr.
James, what did you mean when you wrote, "Bad clown making like super American car racers, I would make them sweat, war, war"? Well, you know-- you know, what it's-it's like-- [ Clears Throat .]
when a clown is-is making like a car racer.
It's sort of like the F.
C.
C.
It's sort of-- Yeah, the clown, all right? The clown is-is like the F.
C.
C.
, and I was opposed to the F.
C.
C.
at the time.
So it was like I was declaring war.
War.
Well, I guess that's about it.
Yeah? So, then did the American yum-yum clown monkey also represent the F.
C.
C.
? Yeah, it did.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, one more question.
What did you mean when you said, "Feel my skills, donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey"? And so then they got me for resisting arrest.
Oh, and assaulting a police officer, which is not as bad as it sounds.
And, uh, that's it.
Harold, could you, um, give us a few minutes? Thanks.
Um, I can tender my resignation, if that makes things easier.
No.
Don't be silly.
You're not gonna fire me? No.
I think your honesty has been really, really super.
Well, I pride myself on really super honesty.
And, uh, let's just say-- [ Clears Throat .]
you're not the only one in this room who's, uh, broken the law before.
Really? Well, yeah.
I wasn't as creative about it as you were though.
What did you do? Oh, God, you wouldn't be interested.
No, I would.
Oh, no, no, no.
I really am.
Arson.
Arson? Yeah.
And they never caught me.
[ Nervous Chuckle .]
Oh, we're all fascinated by fire when we're younger, so-- This was just last year, silly.
I mean, you know how sometimes your boyfriend just says the wrong thing, and then, you know, you say something, and then before you know it-- [ Imitating Fire Crackling .]
You know? Yeah, I know.
Uh-- [ Buzzes .]
Um, you didn't hurt anybody or-- Oh, no, no.
Okay, well, um, I think I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna get going.
Oh, well, um, Lisa? Just don't tell anybody about this little arson thing, 'cause it's kind of embarrassing.
Right.
No, I understand.
We all have things we're embarrassed about.
Right.
I mean, you're a convicted felon.
[ Laughs .]
Yeah, but at least I didn't burn anybody's house down.
I mean, not that that's a bad thing.
It's just, um-- Hey, pal, how 'bout a hug? [ Clicks Tongue .]
Ohh! Dave, do you think-- do you think Ernest Hemingway ever gave a reading that went that badly? I don't think Margaux Hemingway ever gave a reading that went that badly.
Yeah, well, comin' here always cheers me up.
Mm-hmm.
It's the first time I've ever flown on a private jet all the way to Japan just for dinner.
Beautiful country.
Yeah, and this is just the airport.
Next time we should stay longer.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me, sir.
We need to take off now if we want to get Mr.
Nelson back to New York in time for work.
Well, you heard the man, Dave.
[ No Audible Crowd Noise .]
Hey! Dave.
This is the country that appreciates good livin'.
Yes, sir.
Hey, Dave, maybe I should do a reading here-- Jimmy James live at Budokan.
I think maybe you should.
Donkey, donkey.
Donkey, donkey, donkey.
You're just gonna have to give us a little time to adjust.
What do you mean? Well-- Well, it's just that Matthew-- you know, that guy that you, um, fired-- would usually pick this point in the meeting to say something, uh-- - Idiotic.
- Well, I was going to say off-topic.
But I said "idiotic" first.
It's just hard getting through a meeting without hearing his sweet, little chirp.
Yeah.
Fine.
In the interest of workplace morale, for the rest of the meeting, I will act the part of Matthew.
Bill, that really isn't necessary.
No, Dave, I think a little creative role-playing might help us all learn more about ourselves.
All right.
I obviously didn't watch as much Zoom as you, but-- - Well, who's gonna play Bill? - I will.
I wasn't paying attention anyway.
I'll be Beth.
[ Beth .]
Hmm, great.
All right then, everyone.
If no one else has anything to add, um-- My cat is getting a hysterectomy.
Be that as it may, this meeting's-- [ Pounds Desk .]
Wake up, people! Blah, blah, blah.
This is an outrage.
How would you guys all like to take a little test today? [ Lisa .]
What kind of test? Well, it's a really fun test where I can get to know each one of you and what you do around here and how well you do it.
Now that sounds like a fun test.
Yeah! Well, that's the spirit.
Okay, good.
- So, Lisa, what's the test about? - How would I know? Well, you and Andrea are friends.
We are not friends.
She wants to be my friend, and that just makes me very nervous.
Don't be nervous.
People you don't like who want to be friends with you are the best kind, because you can make them do anything.
Well, I say what we should do-- Bill, that's very good.
You do a very good Matthew, but, uh-- I think there's something wrong with this chair.
Right.
That's exactly what Matthew would've said, but maybe we should just knock it off.
No, seriously.
I just tilt back-- I don't wanna take the test, Dave.
Beth, nobody wants to.
But I don't test well, and we all know that standardized tests are inherently racist.
Beth, this is probably something your parents should've discussed with you, but-- I know I'm white.
I'm just not white like you, Dave.
- Hey, Mr.
James.
- Hey, Dave.
Uh, where'd that picture of your mom go? Oh, would you believe somebody stole that? Oh, yeah.
- What's wrong? - Well, once again, your efficiency expert has the office functioning at peak inefficiency.
If medicine tasted good, I'd be pourin' cough syrup on my pancakes.
Did you see the good news? I don't think I have.
In the paper today? Look right there.
"Come hear Jimmy James read from his newly published memoirs at Books Et Cetera.
" Books Et Cetera! What memoirs? Oh, well, maybe the title will refresh your memory.
Jimmy James: Capitalist Lion Tamer.
Wait a minute.
Didn't that come out years ago? Yeah, it did.
Yeah, and didn't it-- Bomb miserably? Yeah.
That was the English-language version.
A few months ago I translated it into Japanese, and guess what.
- Uh-- - Number one in Japan, three straight months! Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
So I got to thinkin', why not take the Japanese version and have it translated back into English.
Mm-hmm.
That seems to work well for VCR instruction manuals.
Exactly! So I'll see ya-- I'll see ya at the readin'.
Uh, I would love to, but I'm afraid I can't.
Your efficiency expert's making us all write some stupid test this afternoon.
Well, who's gonna come out there and support me? - Well, Matthew's probably free.
- Dave, I'm readin' from the book.
I ain't colorin' in it.
I'll see you there.
All right.
I got a copy of the test.
Great, Joe.
Now Dean Wormer can never put the Deltas on probation.
Very funny, but if you don't wanna read it-- Of course I wanna read it.
Ah.
"Have you ever lied to a coworker? Is your résumé completely accurate?" What kind of test is this? It's a polygraph.
A lie detector test? Yeah, if you wanna sound like an idiot.
Hiya, guys.
Hey.
- What's goin' on? - Joe stole a copy of the test.
Oh, great.
That's gonna totally ruin the curve.
There is no curve.
It's a polygraph.
- A polygraph? - Yeah, a lie detector test.
Dave, I'm not an idiot.
Hey, Joe, tell Beth to get a lunch reservation for the entire staff, all right? Right.
And, Joe, do it secretly.
[ Clicks Tongue .]
Dude, I do everything secretly.
[ Door Opens, Closes .]
They shouldn't even call it a test if you can't get an A-plus on it.
Maybe they'll give out gold stars for honesty.
Gold stars are for babies.
A polygraph test? Why? Well, I don't know why, but I think if we're just prepared-- Bonjour.
Je m'appelle Matthew.
Welcome to Chez Jean-Jacques.
Our specials-- - Matthew? - Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here? Dude, you work here? It's not radio journalism, but it pays le rent.
- Can you get us free food? - You know, I would, but the boss watches me like a hawk, so I can only get it for Bill.
Did you guys come back here to tell me I got my job back? Uh, no.
No, this is just a coincidence, Matthew.
I know.
I was just kiddin'.
I'll be right back with your drinks.
[ Dave .]
All right.
Most of these questions are pretty harmless, unless anyone here has an extensive criminal record.
Well, she can't really ask us questions like that, can she? I don't know.
She's your buddy.
She's not my buddy.
She can ask us anything she wants.
Andrea fired that guy Larry from Payroll last week when she found out he had been arrested for vandalism, like, 10 years ago.
Wow, Larry from Payroll, we hardly knew ye.
Well, has anyone been arrested in the past year? Uh-huh.
Drunk and disorderly.
Nothin' big.
Uh-huh.
Bill? I had a little tiff with that traffic cop in April.
You remember.
Put in an insane asylum.
Oh, right.
Dave, this is a little hard for me to admit, but back in high school I got caught shoplifting.
Uh, Matthew, honey, you can't be fired twice.
Yeah, I heard that one before.
Matthew, these glasses are empty.
Well, you never gave me your order, did you? Well, uh-- Look, those are kind of minor offenses.
I'm sure if you're honest about them on the test, you'll be fine.
And the rest of the stuff is out of our league.
"Have you ever been convicted of three or more misdemeanors? "Have you ever been convicted of a felony? "Have you ever been convicted of a federal offense? Have you ever"-- Uh, yes, Lisa? Um, between the ages of 17 and 19, I was arrested seven times and have spent, all told, two months in jail.
Get outta here.
I was young.
I made some mistakes.
Seven times and two months in jail? Well, it wasn't even jail.
It was juvey.
Is anybody else turned on right now? And then when I was 17 I stole a car-- You stole a car? How'd you do that? Well, it's easy.
You can pull the ignition wires and cross 'em without any cosmetic damage at all.
But how did you get into the car? Put a brick through the window.
Lisa, I just don't see you as the joyriding type.
I'm not.
My car broke down and I was afraid I was gonna be late for the S.
A.
T.
's.
Didn't you commit any crimes that weren't S.
A.
T.
related? I broke into a library once.
To vandalize it? No.
I had a big history exam the next day, and the only copy of The Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.
Matthew, isn't any of our food ready? Yeah, Bill's is.
How's that steak, Bill? A tad overdone.
[ Grunts .]
- What about our food? - Guys, I'm sorry.
Le "kitcheone" is a little backed up today.
I'm afraid to ask, but what was your federal offense? Um, breaking and entering.
- That's not a federal offense.
- It is if you break into a post office.
-Oh, Lisa.
-I had to see if my college acceptance letters had arrived.
It was a long holiday weekend and I hadn't even heard from my safety schools yet! You know, maybe you can just lie on the test.
Oh, yeah, lie on the lie detector test.
That's a good plan.
Well, unfortunately, even if that worked, it wouldn't be enough for Lisa to lie.
- We'd all have to lie for her.
- What? "To the best of your knowledge, are any of your coworkers hiding a past criminal record?" - We all have to beat the test? - Can't be done.
[ Matthew .]
For Lisa, I'm in.
We've only got about 10 minutes.
- Just tell the kitchen we need our food wrapped to go.
- Okay, sure.
Matthew, did you hear what I just said? I did, David.
It's just you're talkin' to the wrong guy.
Why's that? Because I don't really work here.
I'm sorry.
I just-- You know, I was following you guys and I happened to notice that you came in here.
And I just-- I'm pretending to be a waiter, 'cause I just wanna be with you guys.
Need money for the steak? No, I got that.
Where are we gonna eat lunch now? Well, there's a place-- Lisa? Joe, bye.
Thank you, bud.
Okay, I'll-I'll-I'll pack that up for you.
Beth? Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth? Dave, you know what? I've gotta-- What? When am I gonna get my job back? Really, I'm startin' to go stir-crazy here.
Matthew, please be patient.
I'm doing my best.
Well, I'm doing my part.
I know you are.
Unfortunately, that's precisely why you were fired in the first place.
Okay, I'll see ya.
I'm hopeless.
Where are those people going? Their food didn't come fast enough, so they left.
What? You're fired.
Oh, no, no, gentle sir.
See, you cannot fire me, for I do not work here.
I did bring my résumé though.
Very good, Dave.
Now the next-- Oh, hey, Lisa.
Yes, you.
Hi, you! Hey, you're next.
Whoo! Gosh, she is fun.
Yeah, she is.
[ Lie Detector Buzzes .]
That doesn't count.
It's not really part of the-- No, no.
So I'm sure this next question is a mere formality.
Uh-huh.
"To your knowledge, are any of your coworkers hiding a past criminal record?" Hmm.
Not that I'm aware of.
[ Buzzes .]
Okay, just relax, Dave.
Are you sure? Honestly? Yes.
[ Buzzes .]
Well, the machine does not seem to agree.
All right.
You've caught me.
Yes, there is somebody in this office who does have a rather extensive criminal past, and that person is me.
[ Buzzes .]
Now, Dave, I know you.
I can't imagine you ever breaking the law.
Well, it was a little thing.
It was a long time ago.
I stole a road sign in my-- [ Buzzes .]
All right.
I spray painted graffiti on the gymnasium by-- [ Buzzes .]
I was arrested for shoplifting once.
Ha! Yes.
Convicted shoplifter.
The machine does not lie and either do I.
Oops.
Hang on a second.
I kicked the plug out.
There you go.
All set.
Dave? Huh? You were saying you're a convicted shoplifter? Mm-hmm.
[ Buzzes .]
Now, Dave, I bet you never even thought about shoplifting.
I have so thought about shop-- [ Buzzes .]
Oh, aren't you the cutest thing? I am not the cutest thing! [ Buzzes .]
Andrea, could I borrow Dave for a second? Yeah, sure.
I guess I can let old Scarface here go with just a warning.
All right, fine.
I just wanna go on record saying that I think this test is an invasion of privacy and a colossal waste of time.
Ain't he the cutest thing? Yeah.
Lisa, you're next.
Where'd she go? Lisa's not feeling well, Andrea.
- I'll go next.
- Excellent.
Give me a sec.
I'll set up.
Okay.
How come you're so calm? I'm chewing this Chinese herbal gum that I got down on Canal Street and it slows all the metabolic processes down, so I'll be able to lie all I want to.
- How do you feel, Beth? - Okay.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Why? Well, because your hand's in the coffeemaker.
[ Sizzles .]
Whoa, it's good stuff.
It's good stuff.
Well, here goes nothin'.
[ Thuds .]
What's the, uh, delay? I'm waitin' for the book to get here.
They didn't finish printin' it till this morning, so-- You haven't seen the book yet? No, not yet.
Sorry to keep you folks waiting, but the books just got here.
So, without any further ado, Jimmy James, C.
E.
O.
of Jimmy James Incorporated, will now read from his book, Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot, everybody.
Uh-- Uh, the original title of this book was Jimmy James: Capitalist Lion Tamer, but I see now that it's Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler.
I had the book translated into Japanese, then back again into English, so-- "Macho Business Donkey Wrestler.
" Well, there you go.
It's got kind of a ring to it, don't it? Anyway, I wanted to read from chapter three, which is the story of my first rise to financial prominence, so-- [ Clears Throat .]
"I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street.
"Many days, no business comes to my hut-- my hut.
"But Jimmy has fear? "A thousand times, no.
"I never doubted myself for a minute, "for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels "were girded with strength "like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat "and the opulence of buffalo dung.
" Comfy? Good.
Well, we kind of have become buddies over the past few weeks, haven't we, Lisa? Oh, thanks.
Well, anyway, since we're friends and all, I thought I'd just throw out all those serious questions and make this a real fun test.
So my question for you is, if you could be any kind of tree in the whole world, what kind of tree-- I stole a car! I mean, a sycamore tree.
"The glorious sunset of my heart was fading.
"Soon the super karate monkey death car would "park in my space.
"But Jimmy has fancy plans, "and pants to match.
"The monkey clown horrible karate, "round and yummy like a cute, small baby chick, would beat the donkey.
" Mr.
James will, uh-- will now answer any questions you might have.
You.
Yeah, Mr.
James, what did you mean when you wrote, "Bad clown making like super American car racers, I would make them sweat, war, war"? Well, you know-- you know, what it's-it's like-- [ Clears Throat .]
when a clown is-is making like a car racer.
It's sort of like the F.
C.
C.
It's sort of-- Yeah, the clown, all right? The clown is-is like the F.
C.
C.
, and I was opposed to the F.
C.
C.
at the time.
So it was like I was declaring war.
War.
Well, I guess that's about it.
Yeah? So, then did the American yum-yum clown monkey also represent the F.
C.
C.
? Yeah, it did.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, one more question.
What did you mean when you said, "Feel my skills, donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey"? And so then they got me for resisting arrest.
Oh, and assaulting a police officer, which is not as bad as it sounds.
And, uh, that's it.
Harold, could you, um, give us a few minutes? Thanks.
Um, I can tender my resignation, if that makes things easier.
No.
Don't be silly.
You're not gonna fire me? No.
I think your honesty has been really, really super.
Well, I pride myself on really super honesty.
And, uh, let's just say-- [ Clears Throat .]
you're not the only one in this room who's, uh, broken the law before.
Really? Well, yeah.
I wasn't as creative about it as you were though.
What did you do? Oh, God, you wouldn't be interested.
No, I would.
Oh, no, no, no.
I really am.
Arson.
Arson? Yeah.
And they never caught me.
[ Nervous Chuckle .]
Oh, we're all fascinated by fire when we're younger, so-- This was just last year, silly.
I mean, you know how sometimes your boyfriend just says the wrong thing, and then, you know, you say something, and then before you know it-- [ Imitating Fire Crackling .]
You know? Yeah, I know.
Uh-- [ Buzzes .]
Um, you didn't hurt anybody or-- Oh, no, no.
Okay, well, um, I think I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna get going.
Oh, well, um, Lisa? Just don't tell anybody about this little arson thing, 'cause it's kind of embarrassing.
Right.
No, I understand.
We all have things we're embarrassed about.
Right.
I mean, you're a convicted felon.
[ Laughs .]
Yeah, but at least I didn't burn anybody's house down.
I mean, not that that's a bad thing.
It's just, um-- Hey, pal, how 'bout a hug? [ Clicks Tongue .]
Ohh! Dave, do you think-- do you think Ernest Hemingway ever gave a reading that went that badly? I don't think Margaux Hemingway ever gave a reading that went that badly.
Yeah, well, comin' here always cheers me up.
Mm-hmm.
It's the first time I've ever flown on a private jet all the way to Japan just for dinner.
Beautiful country.
Yeah, and this is just the airport.
Next time we should stay longer.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me, sir.
We need to take off now if we want to get Mr.
Nelson back to New York in time for work.
Well, you heard the man, Dave.
[ No Audible Crowd Noise .]
Hey! Dave.
This is the country that appreciates good livin'.
Yes, sir.
Hey, Dave, maybe I should do a reading here-- Jimmy James live at Budokan.
I think maybe you should.
Donkey, donkey.
Donkey, donkey, donkey.