Offspring (2010) s04e04 Episode Script

I don't want to be nursing other people's babies every day.
Maybe I should get a job.
So your daughter's not here tonight? No.
I want to take Ray around Australia with Darcy.
For a moment there, I thought we were breaking up.
We ARE breaking up.
So is there anything in particular you'd like to start with today? Mm-hm.
It's really nothing.
Well, it's not nothing.
Well, it's not a big a deal as you're making it out to be.
I'm not making it out to be a big deal.
Making what out to be what? OK, don't get frustrated, you've got this one in the bag.
Just let the facts speak for themselves.
The other day I realised Well, actually, Patrick's sister mentioned that Patrick hasn't told his father about the baby.
Well, do you think, Patrick, that on some level, that you're trying to punish your father? It's pretty clear that's what Nina thinks.
Yeah! Look, I've, um I've tried a few different approaches with my dad and this is by far the best option.
Not talking? Yeah, I think with some people, talking does more harm than good.
Oh, come on! Ha! Mm-hm.
Well, look, Nina I mean, she talks to her dad all the time.
It doesn't make that relationship very functional.
What? Which dad? Darcy.
What? Nina's dad Darcy's going on this road trip.
He's going to miss her entire pregnancy and she's angry about it.
What are you? You are.
You're really angry about it.
And you don't express it.
You always let Darcy off the hook.
Sorry, back to your dad! Do you think you let your father off the hook, Nina? No.
Are you angry with your father? No.
No.
No.
Oh! Game, set and match, Patrick Reid.
Patrick hasn't told his father about the baby! Look, it's not a competition, Nina.
Oh, Phillip.
Sorry.
Sorry to come around so early.
It's your mother.
Of course it is.
At first, Darcy's departure didn't seem to be affecting her at all.
If anything, she seemed to have a sudden lust for, um Life? Yes.
But then, last night, Darcy left her a message.
A pretty innocent message, I thought.
You have one new message.
Oh, Geraldine, we're doing a send-off thing at the pub on Saturday - all welcome.
Oh, and you'd be happy to water the plants while I'm gone, wouldn't you? Ta.
Ever since then, it's like she's been locked in some sort of a debate with herself! I mean, if Darcy wants to be a retired hobo on the road, fine.
And if he wants to be a doting dad, fine.
Just don't do both simultaneously.
Did I tell you that I ran into Ian Pringle today? I mean, just choose, for Christ's sakes! Just choose something! I thought she might wear herself out.
But if anything, the argument seemed to intensify.
I mean, if you want to recapture your youth, buy a ridiculous sports car, get a tattoo, use hair product - like normal people.
And don't tell me you like the humidity, you hated it - worse than the children.
And I'm sorry, but Darcy really doesn't look good in shorts.
He REALLY doesn't.
He's got knobbly little knees.
It's true.
It is a really big change for Mum.
Oh, yeah.
Of course, of course.
She's had Darcy at arm's reach all her life.
I know.
Of course.
I just wouldn't take it personally.
Thanks.
And, how are you feeling about Darcy's departure? Huh? Fine.
Fine.
Yeah.
I'm happy for him.
Patrick hasn't told his father about the baby.
Sounds different.
Shh.
A bit tinny and Shh.
And that was the newie from Rosanna, featuring Mick Holland - 'The One'.
Oh, my God, Mick, you're on the radio! It's a smash! Oh, not that you're biased.
Mick, trust me.
I know.
I have always been able to pick it.
'Karma Chameleon', picked it.
'Like a Virgin', picked it.
'Hazard' 'Hazard'? It's Richard Marx.
It was massive.
OK, pose next to the radio, please.
Billie! You know what? There is a very real possibility that we are evolving into a power couple.
I mean, you're all over the radio and I'm interviewing for a underling.
I mean, like, I am I'm a boss.
I mean, I'm an actual boss.
And you're an actual musician.
I was always an actual musician.
Mickey, you know what I mean - like, a successful one.
And you know what else? I think it suits us.
Power coupledom? Yeah.
Some people, you know, like for example, Nina, you know, if you gave them more power, they'd have a neurotic spin out.
But you know, I feel calmer than ever.
OK, you text me immediately when it comes back on.
Hey, I wasn't supposed to say this.
What? Jimmy called me, wanting a job reference.
I think he's applying to be your underling.
No, he's not.
He reckons he's applying under a false name.
Sorry.
What? Why why?! He thought you wouldn't see him if you knew it was him.
Well, that's correct! He thinks he's got a good case and reckons he can convince you.
What? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
It's psychotic.
Please tell me you told him that? Not in so many words, no.
What! Morning! Good morning.
Oh! Good morning.
Last day.
I bring celebratory trans fats.
Oh, thanks.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Clegg called in sick.
Dickhead.
Well, he might be.
He's not sick.
He's such a hygiene freak he hasn't been sick in 25 years.
He's just avoiding me.
You do realise that once you're gone we're down to two sane staff members? Me and Zara.
Could be the tipping point.
The final descent.
Entertaining text messages.
Unnerving.
Hi! Eloise! Hi.
Ms Keaton's in Room 4.
She's not still fully dilated so I'll just Um what was that? Sorry.
Why have you gone all weird-arse? Can I just run something past you? Yes.
And you can tell me if I'm being mental.
Yes.
Eloise and Patrick went out for a drink.
Yeah.
Then she sent him a text message.
You read his text messages? Yes, I did.
But Mental.
That's not what I'm concerned about.
Oh.
OK.
It said, "You are extraordinary.
" That's a bit full on.
Isn't it? You're worried she's got the lady boner for Patrick? What? I don't even know what that means.
Yeah, but that's your concern, right? That she's packing a Patrick lady-boner? Oh, Kim! What? Who's got the lady boner? Eloise for Patrick.
No.
No.
Well, I'm not sure.
She called him extraordinary and now Nina's gone mental.
Extraordinary.
I haven't gone mental.
Nina reads other people's text messages, by the way.
Oh.
No.
I had permission.
Extraordinary? Yeah.
Yes.
I can't say I've detected any evidence of said lady boner but, then, I haven't discussed Patrick with Eloise.
She's on today.
Oh, no, hang on No, don't worry.
Zara'll suss it out.
No, that's not what I want.
She is the last word in lady-boner detection.
Not just ladies.
Kate? Kate, are you home? Katie! Hello there.
Hello yourself.
Am I interrupting something? Uh possibly.
Is it Joseph? Possibly.
Move along.
No.
Can I meet him? Move along.
Oh! Where's Isabella? Morning nap.
Move along now.
Well, no.
He's going to have to come out and say hi.
Look, I would, if I could trust that you're not going to be weird.
When am I weird? Patrick, please.
You go like some weird army dad - you interrogate people.
And, so far, in front of Joseph, I have managed to seem like a relatively normal person.
And I would like to keep it that way because he's a very nice guy.
Some personal styling issues? Yeah, sure.
But he's really generous, surprisingly smart, and not that you're asking, but actually quite excellent in bed.
Hey, mate.
You must be Joseph, yeah? Yeah.
Patrick.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Right, so, um, you got to Melbourne in early 2009? Yeah, pretty much.
Pretty much.
Oh.
Definitely.
Sorry.
What did you do before that? Uh I worked on a farm, actually.
Oh, yeah.
Where was that? What? The farm.
Oh.
Um, Anglesea.
I didn't know they had farms in Anglesea.
Well, actually, uh, Winchelsea.
Winchelsea.
Yeah, just outside of Anglesea.
There's a Google Maps mission for you, Pat.
What did they farm there? Soybeans.
And a bit of canola.
I mean, Patrick's always struck me as more of an obstetrics kind of guy, so I didn't think it would last.
Just talking about Patrick.
Oh, right.
Dr Reid.
Mr Paddy.
The extraordinary Mr Paddypants.
Yeah, I've got it.
Any news on him returning to St Francis? No.
Must be an amazing time for him getting ready for little Patrick junior.
Yes, it is.
Thank you for your interest, Zara.
It is.
I wonder if the child will inherit any of his physical features.
Any particular feature you'd be hoping for, Nina? From Patrick? Discretion.
Huh.
I've always thought he's had an excellent complexion.
Have you noticed that, Eloise? Just extraordinary.
I didn't really notice.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Oh, she's good.
What are you doing?! She's clearly uncomfortable but she makes it impossible to tell why.
So no obvious sign of lady boner? Oh, please do not say that.
You say it.
I know.
What is going on there? I know, I'm sorry.
Did he used to be a cop or something? No, he just If he'd asked for a police check, I wouldn't have been surprised.
I know.
He just gets really funny.
What was the last dude like - a mass murderer or something? I should probably change Bella.
OK.
Um.
Actually, I've got a lot of stuff to do.
I'm working tomorrow, so Is something wrong? No.
Well, I just lost half a day Yeah, so have I.
Do you want me to go? No.
Oh, I don't know.
Just do whatever you want.
Sorry, I was a bit nervous then.
Oh, no, not at all.
Nah, I was.
I always get nervous in interviews.
Can you please keep in mind that people normally describe my personality as 'jaunty' and 'dynamic'.
Ange, thanks so much.
I'll be in contact by the end of the week.
OK, thanks.
Thank you.
Jimmy.
My name is Jimmy Proudman.
I'm here for the interview.
Why? I'm here for the interview.
Why? I believe I'm ideally suited for this job.
I'm not giving you this job.
Why? There are so many reasons.
The reasons are infinite.
Well, I have an allotted 45 minutes.
Hit me.
For starters, you're my brother.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is a family business, is it not? You're not just any brother.
What kind of brother am I? You're Adjectives, please! Scattered! All over the place.
I believe my recent journey into fatherhood has triggered a sharp new focus.
Really? What's the date then, Jimmy? Friday.
The date.
What do you think it is? The 22nd.
Ha! Plus your hair.
What about it? It's a strange, matted nest of split ends.
I've anticipated this concern, and have developed a series of visualizations of alternative hairstyles Should I get the position, you may choose your preferred option or alternatively you may liaise with a qualified hair professional on a style of your choosing.
I'm terribly sorry, Mr Proudman, you're just not what I'm looking for.
What are you looking for? A younger version of me.
I can do that.
Come on! Only an electric, gutsy woman or an impossibly sassy gay man can do that.
Well, then, why are you even interviewing straight men? I'm not.
Then that's discrimination.
Sue me.
I insist you at least contact my reference.
When Mr Proudman was in your employ, is it true that a species of fish went extinct? There were fish casualties, yes.
Can you confirm that at least three clients extended contracts, specifically requesting me.
Yes, but in all three cases you were shagging them.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how reliable was Mr Proudman? Ha! Yes! Yes or no, would you describe me as hardworking? Yes? Scattered? Yes.
Ebullient? Don't know what that means.
Clueless? Sometimes.
Silky and charismatic? No and yes.
Sassy? Nah.
What a pity.
Thank you for your time.
Alright.
But before I leave, I'd ask you to reflect on three things.
First, I'd ask you to reflect on our childhood and your near constant catchcry of "I'm the boss of you.
" Well, should you employ me, you'd be living out your dream.
I'd also ask you to reflect on how jealous it would make Nina - us working together.
Not relevant.
And, finally, I just think it would be awesome working with you, being in a team with you.
Don't you reckon? Fine.
Sorry, forget it.
Oh, fuck.
Hello.
You've reached Dr Martin Clegg, Obstetrics PhD, author of 'Messages From the Womb', and 1990 Commonwealth Games bronze medallist - javelin.
Please leave a message after the tone.
Martin, it's me.
Again.
Just leaving work now.
I wish you'd answer me.
I don't blame you for being upset.
But please don't make me say my goodbyes to your phone.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I do love you.
And our relationship's been a big part of our life, and Ray's.
And if you can get over yourself, I'm not leaving 'til tomorrow.
Midday.
No! Oh.
You're coming tomorrow, yeah? Yeah, I just want to extract maximum huggage.
I'd like postcards, please.
Preferably tacky ones.
Have a great trip, Cherie.
Thanks, Eloise.
Are you coming tomorrow, Eloise? Oh Oh, don't feel any pressure.
Maybe I should leave you guys to it.
I haven't worked here very long.
Oh, no.
It's free-for-all.
Isn't it more of a family thing? Mm-mm.
We don't do work/family separation, none of us.
Oh, Patrick is coming.
Ah! Maybe.
What do you mean maybe? Oh, well, he said I think he might have to buy pants.
Oh, no, he'll, he'll he's coming.
He's coming.
To the pub.
Tomorrow.
At midday.
With all of us.
Should be an extraordinary afternoon.
I actually have something on.
Oh, what a pity.
Oh, well, though.
No worries.
Que sera Que sera? Don't go! Mm! Hello.
Sorry.
About that.
About all of that.
Yep.
Um I need to tell you some stuff.
Well, do you want me to come back? Uh, no.
Actually, I'd rather tell you over the phone, which is a bit shit.
But, uh, it's easier.
Sorry.
OK.
Um I was with Isabella's father for two years.
And he was pretty abusive.
I mean, not to not to Isabella.
He's never actually met her, but, um He hit me.
Um I was an idiot.
I kept giving him chances and Patrick pretty much had to drag me away, so so that's why he gave you the third degree.
I don't know what to say.
Well, there's nothing to say.
I just needed to tell you that and now I have.
Um I should go.
Bye.
Uh, look By then, we should have hit Cairns or maybe a little bit south of there.
Probably stick around there for the winter, you know, head up into the Daintree.
And then, we go inland.
Oh.
Yep.
Um So you won't be back that whole time? No, no, it's just following the coastline.
Actually, it's a lot more sensible than the way we did it in '93.
See we go inland from here Oh, I just I'd assumed you'd be stopping back.
There won't be any visits? No, no, no.
It's just one long, slow Not even when the baby comes? Oh, we'll be somewhere with phone coverage when that happens.
Fire up the old Skype, yeah? So here it is.
We go inland through Mount Isa then Why are you smiling? You're angry with him.
If this were your mother Un-fucking-believeable.
Darling Of course, if anything vaguely significant happens to anyone in this family, I'm there.
I'll up-end my life.
But don't you worry about the birth of my first child! Apparently it's a good time for Kakadu.
You know, late dry season.
Dad.
Yep? Yep, darling? I'm a bit sad that you're not going to be around for the birth.
Sorry? Sorry, I can hear myself saying this, and I hate myself for it, but did you not factor it in when you planned this? Yeah, yeah, of course I did.
Of course.
Darling look, I know this is a big time for you, a wonderful time.
But I'm going to be missing milestones for everyone, especially little Alfie.
Oh.
Are you saying that I'm just being selfish? No.
No, no.
All I'm saying is that you shouldn't see other people's choices as being a direct reflection on you.
I don't.
I'm just sad that my dad's not gonna be here when my child's born.
Yeah, well, you'll have Phillip here.
What? Sorry.
Nina All I'm saying is this is your last chance to say goodbye to Cherie.
What sort of values do you think you're teaching your daughter with this behaviour, Martin? I calculate her to be approximately Stella could grasp the psychological and sexual undercurrents of my current behaviour.
You haven't even seen her for four days.
She can grasp that.
Well, if you would like to leave her with me while you attend today's festivities, I would happily accommodate that.
I'm not leaving her in a bowling alley! Pitbull! I'll drop her back at home with Renee.
If you come with me Renee and I will have a second baby.
Please do not mock my very real desires.
Hi, it's me.
I've found Clegg.
He's being a dick.
Yep.
Oh, yep.
Oh, just hang on a minute.
I'll Can you go and see Clegg? Kim's found him at a bowling alley and she's pulled out all the big guns and he just won't budge.
Well, why should he? Sorry? Why are we trying to force him to come to Cherie's farewell when she broke up with him? He should at least talk to her.
Why? Because that's what people do! Ha! Alright, well, I'll go see him but I'm not going to force him to do something he doesn't want to.
Are we doing gifts? Well, I didn't know this was a gift sort of thing, so I haven't got one.
Well, Dad and Cherie will, no doubt, quickly forget you.
Shut up.
I'm kidding! God.
What's up your arse? Nothing.
Clearly.
I had a fight with Dad last night.
A really bad one.
Sorry, Neen.
Really? Like a really bad fight or just your version of a really bad fight? A really bad fight.
OK, what was the worst thing said in this really bad fight? "You're selfish.
" Oh! Well, I know I'm scarred.
Mickleback, Neens sister.
Is that your goodbye present - a pot plant? It is.
That is the most ridiculous travel present ever.
Could we put our personal issues aside today, please? It's nothing to do with personal issues.
Just a pot plant as a travel present is ridiculous.
What are your personal issues? I applied for a position He got into his head that Don't enter the fray, trust me.
Where's Mum? You're heaping far too much significance on this, Phillip.
If it's so insignificant, why not just go? Darcy's risen to the occasion, he's even invited me.
I'm going.
Why can't you go? Why would I choose to sit in a pub, stirring up memories of a hideous chapter of my life when I could be enjoying my own company and a Pimm's? For the sake of the family.
Oh, please! The last thing I need is to be lec The Geraldine I fell in love with was a lioness, a spectacular woman, above this sort of behaviour.
Phillip! I'll replace the Pimm's and the glassware.
No, don't don't offer to cover costs! That reduces the impact.
Sorry.
Oh, I suppose, if I'm honest this has all affected me a bit more than I care to admit.
Really? You've hidden it well.
A perennial plant.
You can pop it on your dashboard.
Oh, brilliant.
I'll hang it on the sun visor so I can see it there.
It's gonna be weird.
Just cut through it.
Dad, I'm sorry.
I didn't get you a gift.
Because I didn't realise Oh, don't worry.
Just you being here is a gift.
Um, where's your mother? She's in her weird Mum space at the moment, Dad.
You've just got to trust that she'll find her way out of it.
No, no, no, come on, let's get you a drink.
Wow, doesn't seem too upset.
Martin.
Martin! Da! Look, I'm not here to drag you out, I just want to be sure that you're OK.
My friend why, I'm perfectly fine.
Look, as far as I'm concerned, if you're upset or angry about Cherie leaving it's, I With respect, Cherie is not leaving today.
Pretty sure she is.
No, in fact, I've calculated very carefully.
If I hold firm, Cherie will buckle.
It is a mathematical certainty.
Try again! See, I'd made myself too available.
A crucial error.
It's withdrawal that stokes the fire in Cherie.
Mark my words, she will be unable to leave today.
Martin you were always there to give me advice when I was steering off course.
Yes, but that's just the point.
I've only just now found my course.
Paddy, Paddy, Paddy, Paddy, Paddy, Paddy.
Every relationship has a dynamic.
For example, yourself and Nina.
Your monosyllabic avoidance Huh? sparks Nina's imagination and stokes carnal fire.
Cherie, on the other hand, needs space, punctuated by explosive contact, hmm? So in my new regime I shall measure my time carefully with Cherie, enforcing strict limits.
Hmm? Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey.
Everyone's starting to say their goodbyes.
Are you coming? It's not looking good.
They're leaving now, Martin.
Hmm, I'm sure it appears that way.
I don't think he believes it.
He doesn't believe it? For God's sake, give it to me.
No, I Give it to me! Tell the mental head I'm looking at Cherie right now.
She's hugging Billie.
The woman is leaving.
Cherie is hugging Billie.
She will buckle.
Now Nina is heading towards Darcy.
This really is the last goodbye, Martin.
Dad, uh Say something.
Bury the hatchet.
Um about last night I'm sorry that I got so angry.
Oh, I'm sorry too, darling.
I just, I can understand if I seem self-obsessed.
Not at all.
I was exactly the same before I had kids.
In fact, I was much worse.
I used to think I was the centre of the universe.
And then Billie came along and you and Jimmy, Ray.
It all gets shaken up.
You'll see.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
So, you're saying you DO think I'm just selfish? Neens.
I've said the wrong thing again, haven't I? Neens, just Sorry.
Bye, Dad.
Bye.
Whoa.
Bloody terrible goodbye between Nina and Darcy.
Shit, said that a bit loud.
They're climbing into the kombi, Martin.
They're getting in the kombi.
Darcy's firing up the engine.
Martin, the indicator's on! They're pulling out now.
Bye! Darcy, look out.
Park the car, Phillip.
Geraldine! Oh, I'm so glad you could come.
Oh.
Here.
Hmm? It's my gift to you.
Home grown.
Very like what we had back in '93.
You took drugs on our family roadtrip? Yes, of course, darling.
The fact is that was the most wonderful year of my life.
We used to wait until you kids were all fast asleep in the van and then we'd steal away and make love in the outdoors all night.
Behind the Brotherhood bins in Perth.
The shower block at Burleigh Heads.
Sometimes just in other people's backyards.
I just want to point out that will not be a factor in this trip.
Thank you.
You had every right to hate me and you never did.
You made it far too difficult.
Farewell, Darcy.
Please note, my knee just gave way.
I'm not actually kneeling before you.
Oh.
And I will water your fucking plants.
Let's go.
And now they're getting back into the kombi.
Their belts are on.
Engine's fired up.
The indicator's back on.
This is it, Martin.
They're going.
They're really going this time.
Right! And he's off.
Heading your way on foot.
Bye! Oh, Martin.
Martin, get in.
Right! Shit.
Message bank.
Go! Cherie, this probably isn't what you want to be hearing right now, but you could be up for a real romantic gesture if you turn around.
Put your seatbelt on, Martin! Oh! Shit, sorry.
Get out of the way, Mr Handyman.
Come on! Oh, just.
.
Aargh! Come on! Hold on.
Magnificent.
You OK? Yeah.
Here.
Cheese! Day one, start of the adventure.
Yee-hah! Ray.
Cheese.
Cherie! Cherie! I'm here! Cherie! Cherie! Mon Cherie! Slow down! Cherie! Oh, for goodness sake, Proudman, put your foot down! Cherie! Slow down! Pull over! Pull over! Catch up! Catch up! Pull over! I was certain you wouldn't leave me.
I was beyond certain.
I'm so glad I got to see you a last time.
One last time? For a long while.
At least.
Haven't I been attentive? Haven't I been aimlessly inventive as a lover? What other man or beast could have driven you to such heights of ecstasy, multiple heights sometimes, often within the space of an hour.
It's me.
I'm the freak, Martin.
I love you, ferociously, but I just don't know how to have a relationship with you.
I'm sorry.
May I kiss you one last time? No.
It will only get your hopes up again.
Alright.
But you've gotta know it's not going to change anything, no matter how good the kiss is.
I'm still going.
I understand.
May I commence? You may.
Nina.
Nina if I've said something to make you think that I don't completely adore you No.
I know you do, Dad.
I know.
I think what I've forgotten to say in all the things we've been saying to each other is that I love you.
And I'm going to miss you like crazy.
I miss you so much it already hurts.
Me too.
Me too.
Martin! Martin! Alright, then.
Well, farewell.
Indeed.
Martin I do love you.
Tremendous.
You OK? Yes, of course.
Let's get back to work, shall we? Talk to him.
Go.
Jimmy, the reason I don't want you to work for me is because you're the one family relationship I have that's not complicated.
Jimmy.
Jimmy! Thank you.
With Nina it's this minefield of, you know, pain and annoyance and status anxiety.
And with Mum there's judgement.
With Dad there's some weird approval thing.
But with you it's just love.
I just think it would've I declare that resolved.
You can switch it on.
Just one more game.
Hello.
Hi.
Did you get my messages? Uh yes.
Sorry.
Are you are you shutting this down or something? No.
It's just You didn't sign up for this and I don't want you to feel like you have to No, no, I didn't sign up for anything.
I'm here 'cause I want to be with you.
Hey.
I'm thinking of getting back into it, yeah.
Nina, yep.
We're still very much together.
We're actually living together now, yeah.
That's why I'm ringing.
I have some news.
Um Nina's pregnant.
Yeah, we're having a baby.
Yeah.
Thanks, Dad.
Thanks.
Yeah, it's fair to say it was a surprise.
A very happy one.
We're thrilled.
Both of us.
I win.
What? The counselling - I win.
Draw.
I win.
Draw.
Win.
No, 16 weeks.
Yep.
It's going really well.