One Foot in the Grave (1990) s04e04 Episode Script
Warm Champagne
# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # You nearly finished with that? I've got some letters to write Hey! Listen to this It's from Mr Hithercroft You know, that old bloke with the monocle He says, ''Thank you so much for showing me around your house last Thursday ''It is a truly delightful property ''and I should very much like to arrange a return visit to inspect it more closely ''I hope you will not mind if this time I bring along my camera ''as I am very keen to take some photographs of you in the nude ''I have a wide collection of World War II gas masks ''which, if you are agreeable, we'' Oh, dear I think I feel sick -It sounds quite promising, then? -Sounds quite I beg your pardon Well, it's only a bit of fun, presumably You never know, he might be serious We are desperate We're not that bloody desperate In any case, it's addressed to you What? What's that? A diary you're starting up now? (CLEARING THROAT) Yeah Just finished There you are All yours ''Rub each other's thighs with Swarfega'' VICTOR: Welcome back to suburbia Yeah, they put these new lampposts up at last, I see How are your feet? Still burning? Burning? I may have to stick them under the toaster when I get in to cool them down Blisters are bursting all over now I can feel them I think it's safe to say I won't be doing much tap-dancing over the next few weeks Oh, look at that! You know who this is, don't you? That new mob who's moved into number 1 0 Little buggers I'll wring their necks when I There they are now Oi, you! What's this? My bloody front garden doubling up as Trent Bridge now, is it? If you ask nicely, I'll set up a sight screen in the dining room for you! Oh, why don't you sod off down a sewer? Don't you tell me to sod off down a sewer, you cocky little tyke Five seconds we've been back -He's going to tell his dad about you -Yeah, what's he going to do about it? -You'll soon find out He hates your guts -Yeah Well, you can tell him from me that the feeling is mutual -Oh, you miserable old bleeder -Oh, you miserable old git BOYS: # Victor Meldrew, Victor Meldrew # You won't have much to sing about when I've finished cuffing you round the ears with that cricket bat Cheeky little bastards Someone's been at these grapes There was 24 here when we left It's the last time I let him come round to feed the fish And I bet you anything you like he spat the pips out as well Yeah There's one there Look And there's another one PIPPA: Hello! Hello? You both have a nice time? Bit of a heat wave down that way, wasn't there, by all accounts? Yeah, I'm afraid Victor came a bit of a cropper with his feet Left them pointing at the sun while he fell asleep and burnt the soles like I can't tell you He's been shuffling around like Toulouse-Lautrec now for five days -Oh, dear Where exactly did this happen then? -Oh, while we were on the beach Luckily, there was another chap there from the same hotel who very kindly dragged him back to the car Otherwise I don't know what we would have done Oh, hang on a minute Should be Yes Here we are Look -He looks nice -Yes He was His name's Ben He lives in North London Yes He was a lot of fun Well, anyway, I think your fish are all present and correct None of them coughing up blood or anything Oh, your mail's all in the kitchen so I'd better scoot -All right -I'll see you later, I expect -Yes, and thanks for everything, Pippa -Okay, bye (TOILET FLUSHING) Edge of that lavatory pan isn't half cold Next time I'll get something to kneel on (PHONE RINGING) Yes? What? Yes, I did, and I'll bloody well shout at them again if I feel like it Have you seen what they've done to my window? I don't care! You should bring them up better! Bloody family of yobs! Never done a day's work since they moved in either if it comes to that I think Mrs Aylesbury said he was a painter or something Got a job with the brewery What as? A piss ar What the hell? Where did Terrific Yes, it's really wonderful to be home What was all that racket out there in the night? People banging about and giggling Did you hear it? I didn't hear anything, and how long do we have to put up with this vile object up here? It's like something out of Lord of the Flies.
What's the matter with it? I thought it was rather unusual You're unusual Strange, isn't it? Other people bring back sticks of rock or seashells But no You've been in that mood ever since we got back last week Holidays can't last forever, you know -Did you bring the milk in? -I haven't had a chance (PHONE RINGING) Oh Oh, hello What a lovely surprise I don't believe And you, you smug-faced bloody vandals! -I mean, what the hell is it? -It's a cake Yes, thank you I can see it's a cake I didn't think it was Douglas Hurd's underpants I mean, what was it doing on our front doorstep? Mr Arnold Larkspur, 1 7 River's Bank Oh, yes We had a letter for him the other day That's that new block of old people's flats up near the park You can't wonder people keep getting mixed up I don't see why They're completely different I mean we're River Bank, they're River's Bank One's got an ''apostrophe s'' Don't let him dribble all over it Take him out for his walk or something Yes, you have been dribbling a lot lately, haven't you? Perhaps it's something to do with accidentally swallowing that little key in Mr Meldrew's back garden the other week, hmm? It wouldn't surprise me if you had trained him to do that The poor man hasn't been able to undo the padlock to his shed now for a fortnight Yes, it is a shame, isn't it? Still, never mind, I'm sure it'll work its way through in the fullness of time Won't it, Denzil? Evil Pathologically evil Ah, Mr Meldrew The very man I don't suppose he's produced anything yet at all? Well, I'm sure if he has, it'll be in here I made a point of saving them all up for you while you were away How very thoughtful of you Yes And Pippa said to give you these Marigold rubber gloves I think they're the right size Anything else you might require? A pair of tweezers or Thank you I think I can manage Good Well, I'll leave you to it, then Happy hunting, Mr Meldrew (TYRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) (GLASS SHATTERING) Mr Meldrew, sorry to interrupt I think you'd better come out the front A big milk tanker's just ploughed into that new lamppost outside your house I'm afraid it's done a bit of damage What sort of damage? It's no good I'm going to have to get something to cover my eyes Think I've got that complementary Dan-Air mask in here somewhere Bloody milk tanker I mean, what speed was he doing in the first place, for God's sake? I'm going to be suing that dairy for every penny they've got I can tell you that Oh, God There must be something better in life than this It's not my fault if people treat our estate like a Scalextric track I'd have put a pair of trousers over it but it'd probably burn a hole in the seat Morning, noon and night If it's not one thing, it's another Well, that's the way the world is today, I'm afraid, and you're stuck with it Am I? What do you mean, ''am I?'' I don't know what I mean You won't forget to put the dustbin out later, will you? Only they won't empty it otherwise Yes And, um, I may be late back tonight because I'm going to have a drink with someone Oh, yes? Who's that? Oh Just a friend who asked me if I wanted to Do you have to stick that thing down there? Sorry I thought I'd try changing the plug I've tried everything else Just because I want to watch the UEFA Cup final tonight Absolutely typical Right So don't feel you have to wait up or anything -And I'll see you later -Right Have a good time Bye Get in there, you That's got you Now then where have you gone? I don't believe it There we are That's the letter to the dairy expressing my views on their tanker drivers I hope you can read the writing I got a bit carried away once I got started No, it all seems fine I'll get it all typed up professionally on Patrick's computer It'll carry a lot more weight You off out now, then? Yes, Margaret's just gone off for a meal with some old biddy so I thought I'd pop down to the pub and see the match since the telly's conked out All right, I'll get this back to you tomorrow then -Right That's great Thanks very much Bye -Bye AMBULANCE WOMAN: That's the ticket There we are, my lovely Had a bit of trouble finding your house, didn't we? Yes Got ourselves into a right old pickle Hello? Anybody home? Mr Staveacre, we've brought your wife back from the hospital Perhaps he's in the garden or something She's still very sedated I think we should put her straight to bed Up we go This way That's it Up we go And that's it Nasty old accident they've had up there with that lamppost, eh? And no mistake Thank you -Margaret -Hello, Ben -You're looking radiant -Well, I don't feel it Thank you This past week has been one long horror story I was beginning to think I'd dreamt it all The holiday and you Oh, waiter, this isn't properly chilled -Would you bring us another, please? -Certainly, sir I always think there's nothing worse than warm champagne Especially tonight It's good to see you again Five-nil Wish I'd stayed at home and read a bloody book Bloody thing If the council don't come round about that tomorrow, I'm going to take a hammer and smash that bulb in I've just about had enough of it Are you awake? Did you have a nice time tonight? (MURMURING) and by now, he's virtually at war with every neighbour on the estate -Talk about never a dull moment -I know He's just frightful, isn't he? I don't know why you should have to put up with it Costa Rican or Columbian? -What do you mean? -Columbian Well, 35 years saddled to that He always reminds me of one of those psychopathic killers in the Chamber of Horrors Is it the Brides in the Bath chap? Mind you, married to him, most women would be leaping head first into the acid How you've stuck it all these years, I find quite astonishing Someone as warm and sensitive It's never too late, Margaret, even at our time of life, to change direction What was that for? Just kissing you goodbye, Ben What do you mean? It's like Christmas presents, isn't it? They always look so exciting and full of promise sitting there under the Christmas tree And then once you've opened them, all the mystery's gone Be much better to leave them as they are with their wrapping paper on That way you'll never be disappointed And I think we should leave our wrapping paper on Because one of us is going to end up being cruelly rejected and I couldn't bear that to happen But how can you say that? If you don't reject me, I would never reject you I meant one of the three of us You talk about being sensitive I'm afraid that's Victor's trouble He's the most sensitive person I've ever met and that's why I love him, and why I constantly want to ram his head through a television screen I've had a lovely time tonight, Ben, and now I'm going -Margaret, you -Oh Do you know what's actually worse than warm champagne? No No I really don't think you do (DOORBELL RINGING) (VICTOR GROANING) Who the hell is that at this hour? All right I'll go VICTOR: All right, all right, all right Keep your shirt on What were you doing leaving the catch on? How do you expect me to get back in? (STAMMERING) Sorry I'm later than I said I suppose you were starting to worry where I'd got to Well it's a bit of a story and I might as well come clean and tell you (TOILET FLUSHING) Who is she? (STAMMERING) Have you Have you been You haven't been sleeping with this? Who is she? I thought it was you Thank you very much Where did she come from? And what on earth is she doing? And why the bloody hell am I whispering? This is my bedroom I mean, this is the end to a perfect week, isn't it? To come home and find your husband has taken up necrophilia Excuse me! Do you mind if I ask what you're doing here? (SCREAMING) My God, no, no, no It's all right Calm down No one's going to harm you (SHRIEKING) It's all right It's all (SHRIEKING) PATRICK: Oh, my God -This is absolutely macabre -PIPPA: What is? It's hard to make out exactly without my lenses, but there appears to be some sort of wild creature crawling out onto that lamppost It's all wrinkled and horrible Like something out of that Ken Russell movie The Lair of the White Worm.
I need a tissue Oh, hang on Meldrew's come to the window now I think he's trying to coax it back in with a biscuit My God, I've a shrewd idea it's a woman What is this, Patrick? You've had this all along, haven't you? You've deliberately made him keep searching through all those disgusting I don't believe you How long has this been in here? He coughed it up Um, it must have been few minutes after he swallowed it and I just I was going to give it back eventually So there we are I'm sorry about all the to-do over it, -but dogs will be dogs, I suppose -Yeah Well, thank you That's just the job, isn't it? That was kind of Patrick, wasn't it? To get it back for you and clean it up and everything Hmm? Oh, yes Thank you very much -So all's well again, I hope -I hope so Oh, your letter I've only just printed it up so I haven't had time to check it through, -but I don't think there'll be any mistakes -Thanks very much -Thanks very much for the coffee -Oh, our pleasure -Bye then -Bye-bye, Pippa Yes, thank you Well, that seemed to go quite well Perhaps now at last we can resume normal neighbourly relations Hmm What was that letter you said you typed up for him? Oh, just a letter to the dairy About compensation for that milk tanker going into his lamppost It was only a couple of pages You didn't mind, did you? Dairy? Oh, my God, no You didn't name the file ''Dairy''? Why? What was wrong with that? What's the matter now? What's happened? Oh, no I didn't I'm rather afraid you did # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #
What's the matter with it? I thought it was rather unusual You're unusual Strange, isn't it? Other people bring back sticks of rock or seashells But no You've been in that mood ever since we got back last week Holidays can't last forever, you know -Did you bring the milk in? -I haven't had a chance (PHONE RINGING) Oh Oh, hello What a lovely surprise I don't believe And you, you smug-faced bloody vandals! -I mean, what the hell is it? -It's a cake Yes, thank you I can see it's a cake I didn't think it was Douglas Hurd's underpants I mean, what was it doing on our front doorstep? Mr Arnold Larkspur, 1 7 River's Bank Oh, yes We had a letter for him the other day That's that new block of old people's flats up near the park You can't wonder people keep getting mixed up I don't see why They're completely different I mean we're River Bank, they're River's Bank One's got an ''apostrophe s'' Don't let him dribble all over it Take him out for his walk or something Yes, you have been dribbling a lot lately, haven't you? Perhaps it's something to do with accidentally swallowing that little key in Mr Meldrew's back garden the other week, hmm? It wouldn't surprise me if you had trained him to do that The poor man hasn't been able to undo the padlock to his shed now for a fortnight Yes, it is a shame, isn't it? Still, never mind, I'm sure it'll work its way through in the fullness of time Won't it, Denzil? Evil Pathologically evil Ah, Mr Meldrew The very man I don't suppose he's produced anything yet at all? Well, I'm sure if he has, it'll be in here I made a point of saving them all up for you while you were away How very thoughtful of you Yes And Pippa said to give you these Marigold rubber gloves I think they're the right size Anything else you might require? A pair of tweezers or Thank you I think I can manage Good Well, I'll leave you to it, then Happy hunting, Mr Meldrew (TYRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) (GLASS SHATTERING) Mr Meldrew, sorry to interrupt I think you'd better come out the front A big milk tanker's just ploughed into that new lamppost outside your house I'm afraid it's done a bit of damage What sort of damage? It's no good I'm going to have to get something to cover my eyes Think I've got that complementary Dan-Air mask in here somewhere Bloody milk tanker I mean, what speed was he doing in the first place, for God's sake? I'm going to be suing that dairy for every penny they've got I can tell you that Oh, God There must be something better in life than this It's not my fault if people treat our estate like a Scalextric track I'd have put a pair of trousers over it but it'd probably burn a hole in the seat Morning, noon and night If it's not one thing, it's another Well, that's the way the world is today, I'm afraid, and you're stuck with it Am I? What do you mean, ''am I?'' I don't know what I mean You won't forget to put the dustbin out later, will you? Only they won't empty it otherwise Yes And, um, I may be late back tonight because I'm going to have a drink with someone Oh, yes? Who's that? Oh Just a friend who asked me if I wanted to Do you have to stick that thing down there? Sorry I thought I'd try changing the plug I've tried everything else Just because I want to watch the UEFA Cup final tonight Absolutely typical Right So don't feel you have to wait up or anything -And I'll see you later -Right Have a good time Bye Get in there, you That's got you Now then where have you gone? I don't believe it There we are That's the letter to the dairy expressing my views on their tanker drivers I hope you can read the writing I got a bit carried away once I got started No, it all seems fine I'll get it all typed up professionally on Patrick's computer It'll carry a lot more weight You off out now, then? Yes, Margaret's just gone off for a meal with some old biddy so I thought I'd pop down to the pub and see the match since the telly's conked out All right, I'll get this back to you tomorrow then -Right That's great Thanks very much Bye -Bye AMBULANCE WOMAN: That's the ticket There we are, my lovely Had a bit of trouble finding your house, didn't we? Yes Got ourselves into a right old pickle Hello? Anybody home? Mr Staveacre, we've brought your wife back from the hospital Perhaps he's in the garden or something She's still very sedated I think we should put her straight to bed Up we go This way That's it Up we go And that's it Nasty old accident they've had up there with that lamppost, eh? And no mistake Thank you -Margaret -Hello, Ben -You're looking radiant -Well, I don't feel it Thank you This past week has been one long horror story I was beginning to think I'd dreamt it all The holiday and you Oh, waiter, this isn't properly chilled -Would you bring us another, please? -Certainly, sir I always think there's nothing worse than warm champagne Especially tonight It's good to see you again Five-nil Wish I'd stayed at home and read a bloody book Bloody thing If the council don't come round about that tomorrow, I'm going to take a hammer and smash that bulb in I've just about had enough of it Are you awake? Did you have a nice time tonight? (MURMURING) and by now, he's virtually at war with every neighbour on the estate -Talk about never a dull moment -I know He's just frightful, isn't he? I don't know why you should have to put up with it Costa Rican or Columbian? -What do you mean? -Columbian Well, 35 years saddled to that He always reminds me of one of those psychopathic killers in the Chamber of Horrors Is it the Brides in the Bath chap? Mind you, married to him, most women would be leaping head first into the acid How you've stuck it all these years, I find quite astonishing Someone as warm and sensitive It's never too late, Margaret, even at our time of life, to change direction What was that for? Just kissing you goodbye, Ben What do you mean? It's like Christmas presents, isn't it? They always look so exciting and full of promise sitting there under the Christmas tree And then once you've opened them, all the mystery's gone Be much better to leave them as they are with their wrapping paper on That way you'll never be disappointed And I think we should leave our wrapping paper on Because one of us is going to end up being cruelly rejected and I couldn't bear that to happen But how can you say that? If you don't reject me, I would never reject you I meant one of the three of us You talk about being sensitive I'm afraid that's Victor's trouble He's the most sensitive person I've ever met and that's why I love him, and why I constantly want to ram his head through a television screen I've had a lovely time tonight, Ben, and now I'm going -Margaret, you -Oh Do you know what's actually worse than warm champagne? No No I really don't think you do (DOORBELL RINGING) (VICTOR GROANING) Who the hell is that at this hour? All right I'll go VICTOR: All right, all right, all right Keep your shirt on What were you doing leaving the catch on? How do you expect me to get back in? (STAMMERING) Sorry I'm later than I said I suppose you were starting to worry where I'd got to Well it's a bit of a story and I might as well come clean and tell you (TOILET FLUSHING) Who is she? (STAMMERING) Have you Have you been You haven't been sleeping with this? Who is she? I thought it was you Thank you very much Where did she come from? And what on earth is she doing? And why the bloody hell am I whispering? This is my bedroom I mean, this is the end to a perfect week, isn't it? To come home and find your husband has taken up necrophilia Excuse me! Do you mind if I ask what you're doing here? (SCREAMING) My God, no, no, no It's all right Calm down No one's going to harm you (SHRIEKING) It's all right It's all (SHRIEKING) PATRICK: Oh, my God -This is absolutely macabre -PIPPA: What is? It's hard to make out exactly without my lenses, but there appears to be some sort of wild creature crawling out onto that lamppost It's all wrinkled and horrible Like something out of that Ken Russell movie The Lair of the White Worm.
I need a tissue Oh, hang on Meldrew's come to the window now I think he's trying to coax it back in with a biscuit My God, I've a shrewd idea it's a woman What is this, Patrick? You've had this all along, haven't you? You've deliberately made him keep searching through all those disgusting I don't believe you How long has this been in here? He coughed it up Um, it must have been few minutes after he swallowed it and I just I was going to give it back eventually So there we are I'm sorry about all the to-do over it, -but dogs will be dogs, I suppose -Yeah Well, thank you That's just the job, isn't it? That was kind of Patrick, wasn't it? To get it back for you and clean it up and everything Hmm? Oh, yes Thank you very much -So all's well again, I hope -I hope so Oh, your letter I've only just printed it up so I haven't had time to check it through, -but I don't think there'll be any mistakes -Thanks very much -Thanks very much for the coffee -Oh, our pleasure -Bye then -Bye-bye, Pippa Yes, thank you Well, that seemed to go quite well Perhaps now at last we can resume normal neighbourly relations Hmm What was that letter you said you typed up for him? Oh, just a letter to the dairy About compensation for that milk tanker going into his lamppost It was only a couple of pages You didn't mind, did you? Dairy? Oh, my God, no You didn't name the file ''Dairy''? Why? What was wrong with that? What's the matter now? What's happened? Oh, no I didn't I'm rather afraid you did # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #