Only Murders in the Building (2021) s04e04 Episode Script
The Stunt Man
1
♪
[SAZZ PATAKI] Stunt people always fall.
But the trick is you get up
and make sure you don't become dust.
Sazz
[DETECTIVE DONNA WILLIAMS]
The shooter, very good.
A single .300 Win Mag casing
was found in the West Tower
in apartment 14F, belonging to a
tenant by the name of M. Dudenoff,
retired professor, who the
neighbors are conveniently saying
he's not in town. He's in Portugal.
Neighbors are busy playing card
games when they hear the gunshot.
- What, I achieved?
- [INEZ] Yes!
I think that earns you
a trip to the bathroom.
- Is that a person?
- Don't be ridiculous. It's a ham.
No, no, no, no. This
movie has to happen.
It's the only way I can
keep up with my sexy,
- successful girlfriend.
- Hi!
Loretta, will you
Will what? Would I what?
- You don't believe Dudenoff's in Portugal?
- I'm not convinced.
Well, he's not gonna
be happy you're here.
I'm counting on it. If he
finds out I'm squatting here,
he'll have to show his
face to kick me out.
[OLIVER PUTNAM] Did
one of them kill Sazz?
[MABEL MORA] We're gonna find out.
I kept a very detailed
ham radio journal.
A person came on the line
and said, "Meet me at 445."
- Who is Dudenoff?
- [SPEAKER] [ON RADIO] The last person
who came around asking
these questions got killed.
- [ECHOING WHISTLING]
- [DRY LEAVES RUSTLING]
[SPEAKER WITH IRISH ACCENT] A movie
set is filled with egomaniacs.
- [WHISTLING CONTINUES]
- [RUSTLING CONTINUES]
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- [BIRDS CHIRPING]
- But a good stunt double
- [CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE] Sazz!
[SPEAKER] must set the ego
aside and just be a maniac.
[ECHOING] Hey, wait up!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Sazz?
[SPEAKER] Risking life and limb
to make their actor look good.
Where are we going?!
[LEAVES RUSTLE]
[DISTORTED, ECHOING] Paradise
[TENSE CRESCENDO]
[GUN COCKING, FIRING]
- [ECHOING GUNSHOT FADES AWAY]
- [GASPS]
- [GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SIGHS]
[SPEAKER] For the stunt double,
their actor is number one.
For the actor? Well,
it's not always so clear.
Alright, I've been
up since 3:00 working.
Well, not working the whole time.
I spent two hours looking
for an all-night Staples,
but then, I built this.
[SING-SONGY] Ta-da ♪
A second murder board.
You dragged me outta bed for this?
Most working adults are up by 8:00 a.m.
Yes, but, like, farmers.
Look, if we're gonna take
Sazz seriously as a target,
she deserves her own board.
The voice on the radio
says that Sazz was killed
because she was asking
questions about the West Tower,
and Sazz was a ham radio hobbyist.
Hm. I like it. Could be a
good hook for the podcast.
This season, we're not just
searching for the killer.
We're searching for the victim, too.
Oliver, do you wanna record that?
Just gimme 10 minutes.
- [OLIVER SNORES]
- What's "Paradise"?
Uh Nothing. It's just It's
just something someone told me.
Who?
Sazz.
When?
Last night. In my dream.
Ask him if he can draw a clock.
If he can't draw a
clock, it's Alzheimer's.
Look, forget about this.
This is not important.
The point is, if Sazz was the target,
we need to fill in
the blanks of her life.
Now, obviously, she
and I were very close.
We shared everything.
Two girlfriends, a signature look,
and a blood type so rare, it's
in the Red Cross Hall of Fame,
but she never told me
why she was asking questions
about the West Tower.
Well, I've hit a dead end there.
The voice on the radio has gone silent,
and the Westies have
been freezing me out
since I started squatting.
[SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[BLINDS RATTLE]
What is Vince doing in his
underwear with that animal leg?
If they're not a cult, they're
definitely cult-adjacent.
Oh. That's a Portuguese flag.
Or as the Portuguese call it,
Bandeira das Quinas.
I'd recognize that bi-colored rectangle
with the green on the hoist
and the red on the fly anywhere.
Oliver, you wanna come see the
Oliver, why are you so sleepy?
I don't know. Usually,
your riveting flag facts
are like a shot of adrenaline.
[YAWNS] I barely slept last night.
Loretta called me, as usual,
after she wrapped on set,
and we had a, you know, a nice chat.
A little shorter than usual.
And then, she had to run.
And then, I took the teeniest tumble
into a deep, dark pit of despair.
- [SLAMS DOWN MUG]
- Look.
I have never seen Instagram that big.
I didn't know Loretta was on
there. I should follow her.
Her feed is a cornucopia of
charming, sunny Hollywood content.
But notice this intruder.
- It's an arm.
- Yeah, a male arm!
A taut, rippling arm!
And I don't trust its intentions!
It's in 11 of her last 14
pictures here. I mean, i-it
She is spending 78%
of her documented time
with this mystery himbo,
and there's no way I
can find out who he is.
- You could ask her.
- Ask her?
And drive her into this
strong, supportive arm?
No, that's a one-way
ticket to Cuck City,
Population: Putnam!
Hey, Charles. Sazz was
one of Loretta's followers.
[CHARLES] Sazz was on Instagram?
Yeah. She posted from this place
called Concussions the day she died.
What's Concussions?
Concussions. It's a stuntman bar.
"This New York institution
caters to the lunatics
who take a beating, so your
favorite celebs don't have to.
Open to the public since the
Civil Rights Act of 1964."
Well, we should go there.
Maybe somebody'll know
why Sazz was asking questions
about the West Tower.
Oh, they have trivia on Thursday!
Jesus, turn your brightness down!
I feel like I just looked
right into an eclipse.
Oh, right
[SHOUTING] Brightness, down!
T-Tablet, brightness down!
Down, brightness!
- Susie, brightness down!
- [LIVELY THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[VOCALIZING]
[THEME MUSIC FADES OUT]
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [HAMMY FAYE BAKKER OINKS]
[MABEL] Howard, thanks for
watching the apartment.
And the pig.
- We cuddled like King Charles and Camilla.
- [HAMMY OINKS]
What is up with this bed anyway?
It was a regift from Eva Longoria.
She said she didn't need two.
Well, climb in.
We can use this time
to work on my podcast.
Animal Jobs? You know,
the podcast about animals
and their jobs. [CHUCKLES]
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- [ON RECORDING] Welcome to Animal Jobs,
the podcast about
animals and their jobs.
I'm here with Henry, the
Central Park Clydesdale.
- [HENRY NEIGHING]
- [HOWARD LAUGHS]
You won't believe what else he has
to say. I have incredible audio.
All I need from you is to learn how
to edit, score, mix, and post it.
I'm sorry, I don't have time to
teach Podcasting 101 right now.
What do you mean? You're
squatting and can't leave.
You're trapped with me. In a fun way.
I Someone can't leave.
I need someone here
in case Dudenoff shows
up and kicks me out. I
Sorry, I have to follow a lead.
- It's always about the case with you.
- [HAMMY SNORTS]
It's like you don't care about
Animal Jobs at all.
No! No, no, no, it's
just those guys need me,
and you are such a self-starter.
No, I'm not.
- I'm a sad boy who hates being alone.
- [HAMMY SQUEALS]
- Look at me. I'm in bed with a pig.
- [HAMMY GRUNTING]
You're right where you're
supposed to be. I promise.
Just please don't
leave until I come back.
Please? Thank you.
Thank you for the pig. Bye, Hammy.
[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]
- Bye.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
[CHARLES] Now, before we get
to this bar, a word of warning.
Stuntmen are not like us. They
can be insular and provincial.
Have you ever been to Hell's Kitchen?
Yeah, I've eaten at Oliver's. [LAUGHS]
I, for one, love getting out
and seeing the real New York.
[WITH MIDWESTERN ACCENT]
"The humblest hovels house
the happiest hearts."
[NORMAL] As Ronnie would say.
- What?
- Who's Ronnie?
Oh, Ronnie's short for Veronica,
the feisty grandma
from Joliet, Illinois,
who loves crafting, Merlot,
and the power of positive thinking.
- She's my Finsta.
- Oh!
- What's a Finsta?
- Oh, no.
A fake Instagram account.
I'm whimsically surveilling my
girlfriend to see if I should be worried
by using a fun, friendly avatar,
posing as her number-one fan.
Loretta has already responded
to two of Ronnie's comments.
This is a disaster in the making.
- Please refocus.
- You're right.
[MIDWESTERN ACCENT] "Where my
attention goes, energy flows."
[SOFT LAUGHING]
[NORMAL] That's so Ronnie.
- Dropping it.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN]
- [WHIMSICAL MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[TRAFFIC NOISE]
[OLIVER SIGHS]
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
Humblest hovels is right.
[IPAD SHUTTER SNAPPING]
I'm doing recon for the murder board.
Uh, do you maybe wanna
turn off the shutter sound?
- And the flash?
- [SHUTTER SNAPS]
And the sepia filter? Do you
need me to take that from you?
Let's talk to the barkeep first.
He's not only the keeper of the bar,
but also its secrets.
Yeah, I'll join you.
I'm fluent in "everyman."
- [QUIET BAR CHATTER]
- [CHARLES SIGHS]
[COOLLY] Hey, bro. [GROWLS]
[NORMAL] Yeah, I think
I'll just have, uh,
uh, I'll have a cabernet.
Uh, 2011, if you have it.
Anything French, whatever.
[OLIVER] And I will have
a Cosmopolitan. Not too pink.
[QUIET ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Ideally in a boot.
What are you really here for?
We were hoping we could ask a
few questions about Sazz Pataki.
I'm not talking to you.
Well, maybe my friend
Mr. Lincoln will change your mind.
- Mister
- [BILL CRINKLING]
- Abraham Lincoln.
- Ooh.
- [OLIVER GROANS]
- [CHARLES] Hmm.
Uh, well, maybe this
will grease the wheels.
That's in addition to the five.
[OLIVER LAUGHS]
Think of all the tattoos
you can finish with that.
[CHARLES] Ooh.
Well, maybe this will unzip your lips.
Can you break this?
I give you the 20, you give
me back 15, take the five,
add it to the six, for a total of 11.
Please just take his
money so this can stop.
[SPEAKER] Hey!
These guys giving you trouble?
Take it easy, everybody.
I'm Charles-Haden Savage.
Sazz Pataki was my stunt double.
Not here. In here, you're Sazz's
acting double. You're just a face.
- We don't like faces.
- You know what we say about faces?
Deep down, you're all asses.
Hold on. I'm not like other faces.
Sazz was my friend.
- We're trying to solve her murder.
- Right.
For your podcast.
You're profiting off her death.
Meanwhile, the people who really
loved her can't even give her
the traditional stuntman's
funeral she deserves!
What? Why not?
No body, no funeral.
[INDISTINCT ANGRY SHOUTING]
- [CHAIR SCRAPING]
- [BODY THUDS]
- [PATRONS LAUGHING]
- [PANTING]
- [OLIVER GASPS]
- [CHARLES GASPS]
Uh, wha
- Ben Glenroy?
- Uh ah
[IN IRISH ACCENT] Ben's dead, ya eejit.
[PANTING]
He's gone forever. Oh,
he'd love to be here,
but there's no possible way.
Youse can't come back
from the dead, now, can ya?
I'm Glen Stubbins,
Ben's stunt double.
Oh yeah, I can see it.
Or I was, till you
feckers rubbed him out.
Who feckers? Us feckers?
All yas feckin' feckers
took him from me!
You got a for your man. [SIGHS]
[PANTING] Cheers.
[SLURPING]
[SLAMS GLASS]
For 15 years, I took every lump and fall
for that doll of a man.
Then, someone got in his ear
about making his mark on the stage!
One month later, boom!
Then later, that
same night, boom again!
My number one was gone.
[PANTING] Hey, do you see 'em? Eh.
- Just, just stamp!
- [STAMPS]
- [PATRON] Ah!
- [GLEN STUBBINS] Hey!
Peeping at me with
their beady little eyes!
- [YELLING, STAMPING]
- Oh!
[PATRON] Come on, Stubbins.
For the last time, Glen,
there's no rats in this bar.
Oh, curse your eyes, there's
no rats. What do you call that?
- Where is it? Come on! Hey! Where'd it go?
- [STAMPING]
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
- [INDISTINCT YELLING, STAMPING]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Don't you see 'em?
There's no rats. What do you call this?
What do you call that?!
What do you Ah!
- Do-Do you see 'em?
- [STAMPING]
[MABEL] Guys, that's the purple light
from Sazz's last selfie. I
have to get in that back room.
You've been here long
enough. Faces, out.
Don't worry, boyos. I'll finish 'em off.
Time to introduce 'em
to Bono
and The Edge.
[FRIGHTENED SCREAMING]
[DOOR BURSTS OPEN]
That went well!
[GLEN] Wait, wait!
[OVERLAPPING YELLING]
Sorry. [PANTING]
Charles, a-apologies. I didn't
mean to rile ya up back there.
You threatened me with half of U2!
Yeah, I was just keeping
up appearances, weren't I?
Look, Chuck,
I'm begging ya. Can you help
me get a job on your film?
You lost your stunt double.
I lost my acting double.
We could make each other whole again.
I don't need a double.
Eh? Well
Not even one that can do this?
- [OLIVER YELPS]
- Oh, my God!
[LID CLATTERS]
- Or this?
- [MABEL] Whoa!
[SOFT JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
[CAR CREAKS]
- [PANTING]
- [MABEL] Uh
[ALL YELP]
[GARBAGE BAGS RUSTLE]
Huh?
- [GRUNTS]
- [OVERLAPPING YELPS]
Oh God
Eh?
Impressive, but if you
wanna double for Charles,
all you really need to
do is believably walk into
an easy-entrance bathtub.
Watch me throw myself
through the window.
- [CHARLES/OLIVER] No, no, no!
- Stop! Um
We, we will get you a job
- on the movie they're making about us.
- Yes. Yes.
Oh! Thank the Virgin. [PANTING]
My face would've been
slashed to ribbons.
[CHOMPS]
[MABEL] Only
if you tell us what's
going on in that back room.
We know that Sazz was
there the day she died.
Well, she was probably
seeing Dr. Maggie.
Who's Dr. Maggie?
Dr. Maggie. Oh, well,
it's not really words that
can describe what she is.
Yeah, miracle worker.
Exorcist of sorts. She helps
uh, release the pain demons
that plague us stunt folk
just by simply cracking our bones.
S-So, she's a chiropractor.
There is a word.
Well, Sazz was always with
Dr. Maggie getting cracked.
- Can you get us back there?
- What? Wait.
Sazz was in pain?
Loads of pain, thanks to you.
Of course, she never would've let on.
It's the stuntman way.
Is it okay if I-I go back there alone?
- [DOWNBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh, uh, s sure. Are you alright?
Totally. I just think if there's
something to be faced back there,
I, Sazz's face,
should be the one to face it.
Well, you know what Ronnie would say.
[MIDWESTERN ACCENT]
"If you don't face your fears,
your fears will eat your face."
[NORMAL] Sorry. Not
Ronnie's finest work.
Well. Well, come h
I-I'll take you back.
Oh, and, um,
mind the rats.
I'll see you back at the Arconia.
- [BANGS TRASHCAN]
- [GLEN GRUNTS AND GRUMBLES]
- [MOUTHING]
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
- [RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
- We're here with Hammy Faye.
Now, Hammy Faye, it's true that
most pigs can hunt for truffles,
but is it also true
that, if trained properly,
they can also be golf caddies?
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
- [HAMMY GRUNTS]
Hello?
[SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Dudenoff, is that you?
[FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY]
"Do you have what it
takes to be a star?"
Well, I think so.
"Open auditions for the new
Only Murders movie.
No experience necessary."
- [HAMMY GRUNTS]
- Oh, Hammy.
- [SNORTING]
- We can't leave.
We could never betray
Mabel. Not for just
some long-shot chance at a
part on the silver screen.
- [HAMMY SNORTING]
- Never.
♪
I'm Howard Morris. Tim Kono c
[CLEARS THROAT] I'm gonna start again.
[HAMMY OINKS]
[COOLLY] I'm Howard Morris.
Tim Kono complained a lot about Evelyn.
- He said she gave him asthma attacks.
- [HAMMY OINKS]
He threatened to shoot her.
Evelyn may have had nine lives,
but I cut his one short.
[NORMAL] Thank you.
- [HAMMY GRUNTS]
- [INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]
What is happening right now?
- What?
- Seriously? What are you doing?
That's what I was wondering.
Well, I'm acting. The, um
I'm acting the part of Howard?
I feel like I'm doing
Ayahuasca in Boise, Idaho.
You make me wanna vomit.
What I believe Trina and
Tawny are saying is that
we love you?
[LAUGHS] Oh, good! Oh, I
can't wait to play myself.
Oh, you're not playing
you. Josh Gad's playing you.
Wait, so I didn't get the part?
[BEV MELON] What I
believe Trina and Tawny
are saying is, unfortunately,
no, you did not.
Of course not, but you're amazing.
And we're gonna nurture you.
- [SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SOFT WHISPERING]
[DR. MAGGIE] See you next
week. The same time. Okay.
Eh, Dr. Maggie? Your, uh,
man here wants to see ya.
Can you fit him in?
Oh, I don't want an adjustment.
I just wanna ask a few questions.
- Okay.
- [GLEN] Well, eh, don't mind me.
I'll be hiding on the rat-baffler.
They can't recognize
me when I'm upside down.
I wanna ask about Sazz Pataki.
I know she was here the day she died,
and there's nothing stopping
you from talking about her.
You're not protected by HIPAA laws
because you're not a real doctor.
Then how'd she get a
"Dr." before her name?
They don't just give those away.
Chiropractics is a
pseudoscience, no offense.
Hm I'm sorry.
It physically hurts me
to see a body this tense.
- Hm? Huh?
- Have you ever had locked-in syndrome?
Is this your original arm?
We can talk, but not
until you get on my table.
I told you, I don't believe in
[GASPS, YELPS]
- [DR. MAGGIE] Just breathe!
- [GROANS]
Where the hell is Dudenoff?
Those cult card players must
have told him I'm squatting
in his place by now.
- Oh, my God! It's a breakthrough!
- What?
Ronnie's bonded with Loretta about
their shared love of decoupage,
and she's about to ask
about the mystery arm.
Hmm. Okay, this is not how you
build trust in a relationship.
What's a cute word for "arm"?
Man branch? Hug helper? Chesticle?
What has gotten into you?
- [GRUNTS]
- Into me?!
I'm worried about who's
getting into Loretta!
- Oliver!
- Alright. Okay.
You know, I almost
proposed to Loretta in LA.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Yeah, I know.
I was right there,
and then I didn't.
Why not?
Eh, one failed marriage,
who hasn't been there?
Two failed marriages?
People start asking questions.
Why do you assume it would fail?
Because she's living the
glamorous life of a starlet
with arms coming at her
from every direction.
Because
I always fail.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- C can I have my iPad back, please?
Fine, but no good can
come of this Ronnie thing.
[HOWARD MORRIS] Mabel, I
have something I need to say.
You clearly don't have time
to support my creative efforts,
so I am exiting our
one-sided relationship.
- [HAMMY GRUNTING]
- I believe this belongs to you.
Uh
[HAMMY SQUEALS]
She likes when you
scratch under her armpits.
And she makes this special little face
when she has to poopy
that You know what?
- I can't trust you with her.
- [HAMMY GRUNTING]
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Uh Wait, Howard!
If you're here, who's watching
the Dudenoff apartment?
[GASPS] Oh
[HAMMY GRUNTING]
♪
[DR. MAGGIE] Go ahead.
Ask your questions.
Uh, I know Sazz was
here the day she died.
- What did she Ah!
- [BONE CRACKS]
Talk about?!
Mostly about her pain.
And how excited she
was to finally retire.
Oh, wait. Sazz said she was retiring!
- [BONE CRACKS]
- [DR. MAGGIE GRUNTS]
Transitioning into a new career.
She didn't say what, but
it had something to do
with a difficult
relationship she was in.
She was tired of giving more
than she got from this person.
- [BONES CRACK]
- [GRUNTS]
But she didn't know how to get away.
This may sound random, but
did she ever mention "paradise"?
Not that I remember. [EXHALES]
I have to warn you. When a
back as frozen as yours unlocks,
it can release a lot of feelings.
[DR. MAGGIE STRAINS]
Some people describe it as
an out-of-body experience.
I'm not worried. The only
out-of-body experience I ever had
is when I saw Edward Hopper's
Nighthawks at the Chicago Art
- [BACK CRACKS]
- [INDISTINCT YELLING]
- [ECHOING, DISTORTED YELL]
- [EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Sazz?
- [FOOTSTEPS]
- Sazz!
- [DISTORTED LEAVES CRUNCHING]
Wait up! Are you trying
to get away from me?
[EERIE WHOOSHING]
[ECHOING] Oh, my God.
Ah, it's just a scratch.
I told ya, I'm trying to
get to paradise. You coming?
[SAZZ'S VOICE ECHOES]
[DISTANT THUNDER RUMBLES]
[WHOOSHING]
- Whew
- [EERIE MUSIC FADES OUT]
Wow. [GROANS]
You were out for a minute
there. Are you alright?
[SIGHS] Physically, yes.
Emotionally, no.
That bad relationship
Sazz said she was in
- [INVERSION TABLE CREAKING]
- I'm afraid it was with me.
[GLEN] Aw. [INHALES]
- What have you got for heartache, Mags?
- [DR. MAGGIE] Well,
relationship worries are stored
in the pelvic floor, so
Whoa-ho-ho! No. No.
We'll We'll c We'll
call this a hit right here,
so you did it. Thank
you, but mm-mm. Yeah.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
♪
- [PEOPLE GRUNTING, STRAINING]
- [WOOD SCRAPING]
[MABEL] What are you doing here?
We could ask the same thing of you.
I could have this place swarming
with cops in two minutes.
- No, no, no, no no. No more cops.
- [MABEL] Then, can you just
tell me what kind of cult you are?
What are we talking,
sex, Satan, or vitamins?
- We're not a cult.
- [MABEL] Oh, really?
You all talk on ham
radios, live communally,
play a weird card game, and eat
bathtub pork.
When you say it like
that, I can track it.
Okay, so then what's going on?
That's it. I'm calling
Detective Williams.
Fine.
- I'll tell you.
- No, Vince! Don't!
Hey. What if we cut her in?
She does need a place to live.
- Oh, so she can have her own apartment?
- Yes. She's an adult.
- I'm an adult.
- Let's act like it.
Cut me into what?
What I'm about to tell
you could ruin many lives.
The information must
never leave this room.
Okay, but I'm definitely
telling Charles and Oliver.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Get 'em.
What
What are these?
Leases?
We're illegally subletting
rent-controlled apartments.
We're not a cult.
It's a rent-control scheme.
Although I have suggested getting
matching bathrobes in the past.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Every apartment on this floor was rented
by Professor Dudenoff years ago.
[RUDY THURBER] We all met Professor
Dudenoff at one point or another.
We all needed a cheap place to live.
He saw that we were What's the word?
Weirdos?
[RUDY] I was looking for
something softer, but yeah.
- Weirdos.
- It can be hard to survive in this city
when you march to the
beat of your own drum.
You need somebody to have your back.
Professor Dudenoff was that for us.
Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal,
but he still takes
care of us every month.
He sends us his favorite jamón,
and we send him rent.
He lives like a king in Portugal,
and we get to live in
the Arconia for peanuts.
How much is peanuts?
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Dollars? A month?!
That's what you could be paying, too.
If you keep this out of the podcast.
Wait. [SIGHS] The voice
on the ham radio said
- That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend.
- Your crazy ex-girlfriend.
- You deserve so much better.
- Okay, she's just very slightly unhinged,
but she's from Finland, you
know? It's cold and dark there.
They spend a lot of time
inside their own heads.
She said Sazz got killed
for asking about you guys.
Killed? For asking about us?
I've never even met Sazz!
Helga's working through some
issues. A little paranoia.
It's sad. I blocked her on my cell.
I showed you guys,
but she keeps trying
to reach me on the ham.
So, Helga's just nuts?
Look, we're just a
family of weirdos here.
Helga was the wrong kind of weirdo.
But, you
You could be the right kind of weirdo.
♪
What do you say?
Okay, so you're telling me the
Westies play a game called "Oh Hell,"
and somehow they're not a Satanist cult?
Apparently not.
I mean, their story is so
crazy, I kinda believe it.
And at $200 a month,
I can't afford not to.
I feel bad about Howard.
He needed a Dudenoff today,
and I dropped the ball.
Take one trick.
He'll come back around.
Unlike my Loretta.
- I'll take two.
- At least she's still alive.
Sazz sacrificed everything for me,
and by the time I realized it, it
was too late to make it up to her.
I'll take none.
Maybe Ronnie should ask Loretta
Okay, R-Ronnie is still with us?
Oliver, I know you're doing this
because you're afraid to lose Loretta,
but if she finds out,
you are gonna lose her.
[SIGHS]
Okay, fine.
I'll put Ronnie down.
No, I can't.
I can't do it. Mabel, you kill her.
- [MABEL SIGHS]
- [JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Alright. Well, does
Ronnie have any last words?
"We say bye-bye
because one bye is never enough."
- Okay, nice eulogy. Funeral over.
- [IPAD BLOOPS]
Funeral.
Maybe there is something
I can still do for Sazz.
[BAR CHATTER]
You need a body?
I'm your body.
["THE PARTING GLASS"
BY THE HIGH KINGS PLAYING]
[GLEN] When a face learns to
appreciate their double's sacrifices,
it can make for a special bond.
One that lasts a lifetime
or even beyond.
Alright now, you sure
you can handle this?
Sazz stood in for me so many times.
The least I can do is lie down for her.
- [SONG CONTINUES]
- Oh!
Alright, animals,
gather around! Listen up.
We are here to pay tribute
to the great Sazz Pataki.
- [BAR CROWD] Sazz!
- First among us gone too soon.
She lies before us now in state.
We'll begin the service with the
traditional stuntman's margarita.
- Ready. Steady. Sláinte.
- [ALL] Sláinte!
- [MURMURING]
- [SINGING CONTINUES]
[STUNTMEN WAILING]
Who wants to tell Sazz how
much she meant to 'em? Line up.
- I got the breakaways.
- Good man.
And joy be with you ♪
Aw, Sazz.
When I clipped that sailboat in
that gnarly hang-gliding wreck,
you came with me to
get my prosthetic shins.
I love you, man!
the parting glass
and drink a health ♪
- [YELPS]
- [CROWD CLAPPING]
Whate'er befalls ♪
[WHISPERS] Lie still, dead man.
Gently rise and softly call ♪
Next!
Goodnight and joy be to ♪
Sazz. You taught me to
put my fireproof jockstrap
in the freezer before a blow-up.
Shrunk my dick. You saved
me from burning my balls off.
[AGREEMENT MURMURING]
Thanks, pal.
for my going away ♪
- And all the sweethearts ♪
- [GRUNTS]
That e'er I had ♪
[GLEN] Right. Well,
my favorite Sazz story.
Bunch of us lads got hired as stunt
consultants on Jackass Forever.
This was the one where
that shite fucker Rex Bailey
got his heel blown off
teaching Johnny Knoxville
how to get fired out of a cannon.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Anyways,
Steve-O
kept calling me Lucky Charms
Boy. Magically delicious!
Pink hearts, yellow moons,
green clovers, orange stars,
blue diamonds, every feckin'
marshmallow in the box!
[AGREEMENT MURMURING]
And Sazz, bless her
she put him in an arm bar until
I gently rise and softly call ♪
[CRYING] until he pissed his trousers.
[GASPING]
Oh, Sazz, love,
we're fucked if we know how
to stagger on without ya.
[MUSIC BUILDING]
- [BOTTLE THUDS]
- [STUNTMEN GASP]
["THE PARTING GLASS"
CONTINUES TRIUMPHANTLY]
Was that a real bottle, you asshole?
You set them up, you prick!
- [STUNTMEN ARGUING]
- Are you calling me a Rex Bailey?
Ye feckin' cock!
- [ALL YELLING]
- [CUE STICKS CLATTER]
[SONG CONTINUES]
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [FIGHTING, SMASHING]
Just like Sazz would've wanted.
[YELLING, FIGHTING CONTINUES]
La, la, la, la ♪
[SOFT GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CHARLES] Hey, Sazz.
- [SAZZ] Hey!
[CHARLES] You okay? That last
hit you took looked pretty rough.
[SAZZ] Ah, piece of cake.
But someday, I won't be able
to take the hits anymore,
and then, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'ma open up a trampoline park
like the ones I used
to go to with my dad.
Where a kid can learn how
to fly and how to fall.
Train the next generation
of stunt people.
The Sazz Pataki Impact Academy.
Why not build it here? Location
manager said this lot's for sale.
Or it will be after
the Superfund cleanup.
Ah, yeah. Maybe.
Uh, and let's keep
this under our hat, huh?
The other stunt guys
would laugh at this.
But I can trust you.
You're my number one.
- [PATS BACK]
- [WHOOSH]
- [MUFFLED FIGHTING CONTINUES]
- [MUFFLED STUNTMEN SCREAMING]
[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
[GRUNTS]
[CAR DOORS SHUT]
This is it. Sazz's Paradise.
- Is this a toxic waste dump?
- It was.
Government cleaned it up.
[OLIVER] Hmm.
Yuck.
♪
This was her dream.
- She came so close.
- [MUFFLED CLATTERING]
Wait. Did you hear that?
Is somebody in there?
Careful.
[DOOR CREAKS]
- [MABEL] What is this place, a hideout?
- [CHARLES] Kinda spooky.
[OLIVER] This is really
gonna drain my battery.
Let me know if you see an outlet.
- [CREAK]
- [MABEL GASPS]
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [OLIVER] Oh! [LAUGHS]
Thank God, someone from show business.
Don't move or I'll blow
your fucking brains out.
[ALL YELPING]
- [DRAMATIC CRESCENDO]
- [COCKS GUN]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]
♪
[SAZZ PATAKI] Stunt people always fall.
But the trick is you get up
and make sure you don't become dust.
Sazz
[DETECTIVE DONNA WILLIAMS]
The shooter, very good.
A single .300 Win Mag casing
was found in the West Tower
in apartment 14F, belonging to a
tenant by the name of M. Dudenoff,
retired professor, who the
neighbors are conveniently saying
he's not in town. He's in Portugal.
Neighbors are busy playing card
games when they hear the gunshot.
- What, I achieved?
- [INEZ] Yes!
I think that earns you
a trip to the bathroom.
- Is that a person?
- Don't be ridiculous. It's a ham.
No, no, no, no. This
movie has to happen.
It's the only way I can
keep up with my sexy,
- successful girlfriend.
- Hi!
Loretta, will you
Will what? Would I what?
- You don't believe Dudenoff's in Portugal?
- I'm not convinced.
Well, he's not gonna
be happy you're here.
I'm counting on it. If he
finds out I'm squatting here,
he'll have to show his
face to kick me out.
[OLIVER PUTNAM] Did
one of them kill Sazz?
[MABEL MORA] We're gonna find out.
I kept a very detailed
ham radio journal.
A person came on the line
and said, "Meet me at 445."
- Who is Dudenoff?
- [SPEAKER] [ON RADIO] The last person
who came around asking
these questions got killed.
- [ECHOING WHISTLING]
- [DRY LEAVES RUSTLING]
[SPEAKER WITH IRISH ACCENT] A movie
set is filled with egomaniacs.
- [WHISTLING CONTINUES]
- [RUSTLING CONTINUES]
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- [BIRDS CHIRPING]
- But a good stunt double
- [CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE] Sazz!
[SPEAKER] must set the ego
aside and just be a maniac.
[ECHOING] Hey, wait up!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Sazz?
[SPEAKER] Risking life and limb
to make their actor look good.
Where are we going?!
[LEAVES RUSTLE]
[DISTORTED, ECHOING] Paradise
[TENSE CRESCENDO]
[GUN COCKING, FIRING]
- [ECHOING GUNSHOT FADES AWAY]
- [GASPS]
- [GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SIGHS]
[SPEAKER] For the stunt double,
their actor is number one.
For the actor? Well,
it's not always so clear.
Alright, I've been
up since 3:00 working.
Well, not working the whole time.
I spent two hours looking
for an all-night Staples,
but then, I built this.
[SING-SONGY] Ta-da ♪
A second murder board.
You dragged me outta bed for this?
Most working adults are up by 8:00 a.m.
Yes, but, like, farmers.
Look, if we're gonna take
Sazz seriously as a target,
she deserves her own board.
The voice on the radio
says that Sazz was killed
because she was asking
questions about the West Tower,
and Sazz was a ham radio hobbyist.
Hm. I like it. Could be a
good hook for the podcast.
This season, we're not just
searching for the killer.
We're searching for the victim, too.
Oliver, do you wanna record that?
Just gimme 10 minutes.
- [OLIVER SNORES]
- What's "Paradise"?
Uh Nothing. It's just It's
just something someone told me.
Who?
Sazz.
When?
Last night. In my dream.
Ask him if he can draw a clock.
If he can't draw a
clock, it's Alzheimer's.
Look, forget about this.
This is not important.
The point is, if Sazz was the target,
we need to fill in
the blanks of her life.
Now, obviously, she
and I were very close.
We shared everything.
Two girlfriends, a signature look,
and a blood type so rare, it's
in the Red Cross Hall of Fame,
but she never told me
why she was asking questions
about the West Tower.
Well, I've hit a dead end there.
The voice on the radio has gone silent,
and the Westies have
been freezing me out
since I started squatting.
[SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[BLINDS RATTLE]
What is Vince doing in his
underwear with that animal leg?
If they're not a cult, they're
definitely cult-adjacent.
Oh. That's a Portuguese flag.
Or as the Portuguese call it,
Bandeira das Quinas.
I'd recognize that bi-colored rectangle
with the green on the hoist
and the red on the fly anywhere.
Oliver, you wanna come see the
Oliver, why are you so sleepy?
I don't know. Usually,
your riveting flag facts
are like a shot of adrenaline.
[YAWNS] I barely slept last night.
Loretta called me, as usual,
after she wrapped on set,
and we had a, you know, a nice chat.
A little shorter than usual.
And then, she had to run.
And then, I took the teeniest tumble
into a deep, dark pit of despair.
- [SLAMS DOWN MUG]
- Look.
I have never seen Instagram that big.
I didn't know Loretta was on
there. I should follow her.
Her feed is a cornucopia of
charming, sunny Hollywood content.
But notice this intruder.
- It's an arm.
- Yeah, a male arm!
A taut, rippling arm!
And I don't trust its intentions!
It's in 11 of her last 14
pictures here. I mean, i-it
She is spending 78%
of her documented time
with this mystery himbo,
and there's no way I
can find out who he is.
- You could ask her.
- Ask her?
And drive her into this
strong, supportive arm?
No, that's a one-way
ticket to Cuck City,
Population: Putnam!
Hey, Charles. Sazz was
one of Loretta's followers.
[CHARLES] Sazz was on Instagram?
Yeah. She posted from this place
called Concussions the day she died.
What's Concussions?
Concussions. It's a stuntman bar.
"This New York institution
caters to the lunatics
who take a beating, so your
favorite celebs don't have to.
Open to the public since the
Civil Rights Act of 1964."
Well, we should go there.
Maybe somebody'll know
why Sazz was asking questions
about the West Tower.
Oh, they have trivia on Thursday!
Jesus, turn your brightness down!
I feel like I just looked
right into an eclipse.
Oh, right
[SHOUTING] Brightness, down!
T-Tablet, brightness down!
Down, brightness!
- Susie, brightness down!
- [LIVELY THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[VOCALIZING]
[THEME MUSIC FADES OUT]
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [HAMMY FAYE BAKKER OINKS]
[MABEL] Howard, thanks for
watching the apartment.
And the pig.
- We cuddled like King Charles and Camilla.
- [HAMMY OINKS]
What is up with this bed anyway?
It was a regift from Eva Longoria.
She said she didn't need two.
Well, climb in.
We can use this time
to work on my podcast.
Animal Jobs? You know,
the podcast about animals
and their jobs. [CHUCKLES]
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- [ON RECORDING] Welcome to Animal Jobs,
the podcast about
animals and their jobs.
I'm here with Henry, the
Central Park Clydesdale.
- [HENRY NEIGHING]
- [HOWARD LAUGHS]
You won't believe what else he has
to say. I have incredible audio.
All I need from you is to learn how
to edit, score, mix, and post it.
I'm sorry, I don't have time to
teach Podcasting 101 right now.
What do you mean? You're
squatting and can't leave.
You're trapped with me. In a fun way.
I Someone can't leave.
I need someone here
in case Dudenoff shows
up and kicks me out. I
Sorry, I have to follow a lead.
- It's always about the case with you.
- [HAMMY SNORTS]
It's like you don't care about
Animal Jobs at all.
No! No, no, no, it's
just those guys need me,
and you are such a self-starter.
No, I'm not.
- I'm a sad boy who hates being alone.
- [HAMMY SQUEALS]
- Look at me. I'm in bed with a pig.
- [HAMMY GRUNTING]
You're right where you're
supposed to be. I promise.
Just please don't
leave until I come back.
Please? Thank you.
Thank you for the pig. Bye, Hammy.
[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]
- Bye.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
[CHARLES] Now, before we get
to this bar, a word of warning.
Stuntmen are not like us. They
can be insular and provincial.
Have you ever been to Hell's Kitchen?
Yeah, I've eaten at Oliver's. [LAUGHS]
I, for one, love getting out
and seeing the real New York.
[WITH MIDWESTERN ACCENT]
"The humblest hovels house
the happiest hearts."
[NORMAL] As Ronnie would say.
- What?
- Who's Ronnie?
Oh, Ronnie's short for Veronica,
the feisty grandma
from Joliet, Illinois,
who loves crafting, Merlot,
and the power of positive thinking.
- She's my Finsta.
- Oh!
- What's a Finsta?
- Oh, no.
A fake Instagram account.
I'm whimsically surveilling my
girlfriend to see if I should be worried
by using a fun, friendly avatar,
posing as her number-one fan.
Loretta has already responded
to two of Ronnie's comments.
This is a disaster in the making.
- Please refocus.
- You're right.
[MIDWESTERN ACCENT] "Where my
attention goes, energy flows."
[SOFT LAUGHING]
[NORMAL] That's so Ronnie.
- Dropping it.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN]
- [WHIMSICAL MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[TRAFFIC NOISE]
[OLIVER SIGHS]
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
Humblest hovels is right.
[IPAD SHUTTER SNAPPING]
I'm doing recon for the murder board.
Uh, do you maybe wanna
turn off the shutter sound?
- And the flash?
- [SHUTTER SNAPS]
And the sepia filter? Do you
need me to take that from you?
Let's talk to the barkeep first.
He's not only the keeper of the bar,
but also its secrets.
Yeah, I'll join you.
I'm fluent in "everyman."
- [QUIET BAR CHATTER]
- [CHARLES SIGHS]
[COOLLY] Hey, bro. [GROWLS]
[NORMAL] Yeah, I think
I'll just have, uh,
uh, I'll have a cabernet.
Uh, 2011, if you have it.
Anything French, whatever.
[OLIVER] And I will have
a Cosmopolitan. Not too pink.
[QUIET ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Ideally in a boot.
What are you really here for?
We were hoping we could ask a
few questions about Sazz Pataki.
I'm not talking to you.
Well, maybe my friend
Mr. Lincoln will change your mind.
- Mister
- [BILL CRINKLING]
- Abraham Lincoln.
- Ooh.
- [OLIVER GROANS]
- [CHARLES] Hmm.
Uh, well, maybe this
will grease the wheels.
That's in addition to the five.
[OLIVER LAUGHS]
Think of all the tattoos
you can finish with that.
[CHARLES] Ooh.
Well, maybe this will unzip your lips.
Can you break this?
I give you the 20, you give
me back 15, take the five,
add it to the six, for a total of 11.
Please just take his
money so this can stop.
[SPEAKER] Hey!
These guys giving you trouble?
Take it easy, everybody.
I'm Charles-Haden Savage.
Sazz Pataki was my stunt double.
Not here. In here, you're Sazz's
acting double. You're just a face.
- We don't like faces.
- You know what we say about faces?
Deep down, you're all asses.
Hold on. I'm not like other faces.
Sazz was my friend.
- We're trying to solve her murder.
- Right.
For your podcast.
You're profiting off her death.
Meanwhile, the people who really
loved her can't even give her
the traditional stuntman's
funeral she deserves!
What? Why not?
No body, no funeral.
[INDISTINCT ANGRY SHOUTING]
- [CHAIR SCRAPING]
- [BODY THUDS]
- [PATRONS LAUGHING]
- [PANTING]
- [OLIVER GASPS]
- [CHARLES GASPS]
Uh, wha
- Ben Glenroy?
- Uh ah
[IN IRISH ACCENT] Ben's dead, ya eejit.
[PANTING]
He's gone forever. Oh,
he'd love to be here,
but there's no possible way.
Youse can't come back
from the dead, now, can ya?
I'm Glen Stubbins,
Ben's stunt double.
Oh yeah, I can see it.
Or I was, till you
feckers rubbed him out.
Who feckers? Us feckers?
All yas feckin' feckers
took him from me!
You got a for your man. [SIGHS]
[PANTING] Cheers.
[SLURPING]
[SLAMS GLASS]
For 15 years, I took every lump and fall
for that doll of a man.
Then, someone got in his ear
about making his mark on the stage!
One month later, boom!
Then later, that
same night, boom again!
My number one was gone.
[PANTING] Hey, do you see 'em? Eh.
- Just, just stamp!
- [STAMPS]
- [PATRON] Ah!
- [GLEN STUBBINS] Hey!
Peeping at me with
their beady little eyes!
- [YELLING, STAMPING]
- Oh!
[PATRON] Come on, Stubbins.
For the last time, Glen,
there's no rats in this bar.
Oh, curse your eyes, there's
no rats. What do you call that?
- Where is it? Come on! Hey! Where'd it go?
- [STAMPING]
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
- [INDISTINCT YELLING, STAMPING]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Don't you see 'em?
There's no rats. What do you call this?
What do you call that?!
What do you Ah!
- Do-Do you see 'em?
- [STAMPING]
[MABEL] Guys, that's the purple light
from Sazz's last selfie. I
have to get in that back room.
You've been here long
enough. Faces, out.
Don't worry, boyos. I'll finish 'em off.
Time to introduce 'em
to Bono
and The Edge.
[FRIGHTENED SCREAMING]
[DOOR BURSTS OPEN]
That went well!
[GLEN] Wait, wait!
[OVERLAPPING YELLING]
Sorry. [PANTING]
Charles, a-apologies. I didn't
mean to rile ya up back there.
You threatened me with half of U2!
Yeah, I was just keeping
up appearances, weren't I?
Look, Chuck,
I'm begging ya. Can you help
me get a job on your film?
You lost your stunt double.
I lost my acting double.
We could make each other whole again.
I don't need a double.
Eh? Well
Not even one that can do this?
- [OLIVER YELPS]
- Oh, my God!
[LID CLATTERS]
- Or this?
- [MABEL] Whoa!
[SOFT JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
[CAR CREAKS]
- [PANTING]
- [MABEL] Uh
[ALL YELP]
[GARBAGE BAGS RUSTLE]
Huh?
- [GRUNTS]
- [OVERLAPPING YELPS]
Oh God
Eh?
Impressive, but if you
wanna double for Charles,
all you really need to
do is believably walk into
an easy-entrance bathtub.
Watch me throw myself
through the window.
- [CHARLES/OLIVER] No, no, no!
- Stop! Um
We, we will get you a job
- on the movie they're making about us.
- Yes. Yes.
Oh! Thank the Virgin. [PANTING]
My face would've been
slashed to ribbons.
[CHOMPS]
[MABEL] Only
if you tell us what's
going on in that back room.
We know that Sazz was
there the day she died.
Well, she was probably
seeing Dr. Maggie.
Who's Dr. Maggie?
Dr. Maggie. Oh, well,
it's not really words that
can describe what she is.
Yeah, miracle worker.
Exorcist of sorts. She helps
uh, release the pain demons
that plague us stunt folk
just by simply cracking our bones.
S-So, she's a chiropractor.
There is a word.
Well, Sazz was always with
Dr. Maggie getting cracked.
- Can you get us back there?
- What? Wait.
Sazz was in pain?
Loads of pain, thanks to you.
Of course, she never would've let on.
It's the stuntman way.
Is it okay if I-I go back there alone?
- [DOWNBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh, uh, s sure. Are you alright?
Totally. I just think if there's
something to be faced back there,
I, Sazz's face,
should be the one to face it.
Well, you know what Ronnie would say.
[MIDWESTERN ACCENT]
"If you don't face your fears,
your fears will eat your face."
[NORMAL] Sorry. Not
Ronnie's finest work.
Well. Well, come h
I-I'll take you back.
Oh, and, um,
mind the rats.
I'll see you back at the Arconia.
- [BANGS TRASHCAN]
- [GLEN GRUNTS AND GRUMBLES]
- [MOUTHING]
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
- [RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
- We're here with Hammy Faye.
Now, Hammy Faye, it's true that
most pigs can hunt for truffles,
but is it also true
that, if trained properly,
they can also be golf caddies?
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
- [HAMMY GRUNTS]
Hello?
[SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Dudenoff, is that you?
[FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY]
"Do you have what it
takes to be a star?"
Well, I think so.
"Open auditions for the new
Only Murders movie.
No experience necessary."
- [HAMMY GRUNTS]
- Oh, Hammy.
- [SNORTING]
- We can't leave.
We could never betray
Mabel. Not for just
some long-shot chance at a
part on the silver screen.
- [HAMMY SNORTING]
- Never.
♪
I'm Howard Morris. Tim Kono c
[CLEARS THROAT] I'm gonna start again.
[HAMMY OINKS]
[COOLLY] I'm Howard Morris.
Tim Kono complained a lot about Evelyn.
- He said she gave him asthma attacks.
- [HAMMY OINKS]
He threatened to shoot her.
Evelyn may have had nine lives,
but I cut his one short.
[NORMAL] Thank you.
- [HAMMY GRUNTS]
- [INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]
What is happening right now?
- What?
- Seriously? What are you doing?
That's what I was wondering.
Well, I'm acting. The, um
I'm acting the part of Howard?
I feel like I'm doing
Ayahuasca in Boise, Idaho.
You make me wanna vomit.
What I believe Trina and
Tawny are saying is that
we love you?
[LAUGHS] Oh, good! Oh, I
can't wait to play myself.
Oh, you're not playing
you. Josh Gad's playing you.
Wait, so I didn't get the part?
[BEV MELON] What I
believe Trina and Tawny
are saying is, unfortunately,
no, you did not.
Of course not, but you're amazing.
And we're gonna nurture you.
- [SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SOFT WHISPERING]
[DR. MAGGIE] See you next
week. The same time. Okay.
Eh, Dr. Maggie? Your, uh,
man here wants to see ya.
Can you fit him in?
Oh, I don't want an adjustment.
I just wanna ask a few questions.
- Okay.
- [GLEN] Well, eh, don't mind me.
I'll be hiding on the rat-baffler.
They can't recognize
me when I'm upside down.
I wanna ask about Sazz Pataki.
I know she was here the day she died,
and there's nothing stopping
you from talking about her.
You're not protected by HIPAA laws
because you're not a real doctor.
Then how'd she get a
"Dr." before her name?
They don't just give those away.
Chiropractics is a
pseudoscience, no offense.
Hm I'm sorry.
It physically hurts me
to see a body this tense.
- Hm? Huh?
- Have you ever had locked-in syndrome?
Is this your original arm?
We can talk, but not
until you get on my table.
I told you, I don't believe in
[GASPS, YELPS]
- [DR. MAGGIE] Just breathe!
- [GROANS]
Where the hell is Dudenoff?
Those cult card players must
have told him I'm squatting
in his place by now.
- Oh, my God! It's a breakthrough!
- What?
Ronnie's bonded with Loretta about
their shared love of decoupage,
and she's about to ask
about the mystery arm.
Hmm. Okay, this is not how you
build trust in a relationship.
What's a cute word for "arm"?
Man branch? Hug helper? Chesticle?
What has gotten into you?
- [GRUNTS]
- Into me?!
I'm worried about who's
getting into Loretta!
- Oliver!
- Alright. Okay.
You know, I almost
proposed to Loretta in LA.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Yeah, I know.
I was right there,
and then I didn't.
Why not?
Eh, one failed marriage,
who hasn't been there?
Two failed marriages?
People start asking questions.
Why do you assume it would fail?
Because she's living the
glamorous life of a starlet
with arms coming at her
from every direction.
Because
I always fail.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- C can I have my iPad back, please?
Fine, but no good can
come of this Ronnie thing.
[HOWARD MORRIS] Mabel, I
have something I need to say.
You clearly don't have time
to support my creative efforts,
so I am exiting our
one-sided relationship.
- [HAMMY GRUNTING]
- I believe this belongs to you.
Uh
[HAMMY SQUEALS]
She likes when you
scratch under her armpits.
And she makes this special little face
when she has to poopy
that You know what?
- I can't trust you with her.
- [HAMMY GRUNTING]
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Uh Wait, Howard!
If you're here, who's watching
the Dudenoff apartment?
[GASPS] Oh
[HAMMY GRUNTING]
♪
[DR. MAGGIE] Go ahead.
Ask your questions.
Uh, I know Sazz was
here the day she died.
- What did she Ah!
- [BONE CRACKS]
Talk about?!
Mostly about her pain.
And how excited she
was to finally retire.
Oh, wait. Sazz said she was retiring!
- [BONE CRACKS]
- [DR. MAGGIE GRUNTS]
Transitioning into a new career.
She didn't say what, but
it had something to do
with a difficult
relationship she was in.
She was tired of giving more
than she got from this person.
- [BONES CRACK]
- [GRUNTS]
But she didn't know how to get away.
This may sound random, but
did she ever mention "paradise"?
Not that I remember. [EXHALES]
I have to warn you. When a
back as frozen as yours unlocks,
it can release a lot of feelings.
[DR. MAGGIE STRAINS]
Some people describe it as
an out-of-body experience.
I'm not worried. The only
out-of-body experience I ever had
is when I saw Edward Hopper's
Nighthawks at the Chicago Art
- [BACK CRACKS]
- [INDISTINCT YELLING]
- [ECHOING, DISTORTED YELL]
- [EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Sazz?
- [FOOTSTEPS]
- Sazz!
- [DISTORTED LEAVES CRUNCHING]
Wait up! Are you trying
to get away from me?
[EERIE WHOOSHING]
[ECHOING] Oh, my God.
Ah, it's just a scratch.
I told ya, I'm trying to
get to paradise. You coming?
[SAZZ'S VOICE ECHOES]
[DISTANT THUNDER RUMBLES]
[WHOOSHING]
- Whew
- [EERIE MUSIC FADES OUT]
Wow. [GROANS]
You were out for a minute
there. Are you alright?
[SIGHS] Physically, yes.
Emotionally, no.
That bad relationship
Sazz said she was in
- [INVERSION TABLE CREAKING]
- I'm afraid it was with me.
[GLEN] Aw. [INHALES]
- What have you got for heartache, Mags?
- [DR. MAGGIE] Well,
relationship worries are stored
in the pelvic floor, so
Whoa-ho-ho! No. No.
We'll We'll c We'll
call this a hit right here,
so you did it. Thank
you, but mm-mm. Yeah.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
♪
- [PEOPLE GRUNTING, STRAINING]
- [WOOD SCRAPING]
[MABEL] What are you doing here?
We could ask the same thing of you.
I could have this place swarming
with cops in two minutes.
- No, no, no, no no. No more cops.
- [MABEL] Then, can you just
tell me what kind of cult you are?
What are we talking,
sex, Satan, or vitamins?
- We're not a cult.
- [MABEL] Oh, really?
You all talk on ham
radios, live communally,
play a weird card game, and eat
bathtub pork.
When you say it like
that, I can track it.
Okay, so then what's going on?
That's it. I'm calling
Detective Williams.
Fine.
- I'll tell you.
- No, Vince! Don't!
Hey. What if we cut her in?
She does need a place to live.
- Oh, so she can have her own apartment?
- Yes. She's an adult.
- I'm an adult.
- Let's act like it.
Cut me into what?
What I'm about to tell
you could ruin many lives.
The information must
never leave this room.
Okay, but I'm definitely
telling Charles and Oliver.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Get 'em.
What
What are these?
Leases?
We're illegally subletting
rent-controlled apartments.
We're not a cult.
It's a rent-control scheme.
Although I have suggested getting
matching bathrobes in the past.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Every apartment on this floor was rented
by Professor Dudenoff years ago.
[RUDY THURBER] We all met Professor
Dudenoff at one point or another.
We all needed a cheap place to live.
He saw that we were What's the word?
Weirdos?
[RUDY] I was looking for
something softer, but yeah.
- Weirdos.
- It can be hard to survive in this city
when you march to the
beat of your own drum.
You need somebody to have your back.
Professor Dudenoff was that for us.
Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal,
but he still takes
care of us every month.
He sends us his favorite jamón,
and we send him rent.
He lives like a king in Portugal,
and we get to live in
the Arconia for peanuts.
How much is peanuts?
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Dollars? A month?!
That's what you could be paying, too.
If you keep this out of the podcast.
Wait. [SIGHS] The voice
on the ham radio said
- That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend.
- Your crazy ex-girlfriend.
- You deserve so much better.
- Okay, she's just very slightly unhinged,
but she's from Finland, you
know? It's cold and dark there.
They spend a lot of time
inside their own heads.
She said Sazz got killed
for asking about you guys.
Killed? For asking about us?
I've never even met Sazz!
Helga's working through some
issues. A little paranoia.
It's sad. I blocked her on my cell.
I showed you guys,
but she keeps trying
to reach me on the ham.
So, Helga's just nuts?
Look, we're just a
family of weirdos here.
Helga was the wrong kind of weirdo.
But, you
You could be the right kind of weirdo.
♪
What do you say?
Okay, so you're telling me the
Westies play a game called "Oh Hell,"
and somehow they're not a Satanist cult?
Apparently not.
I mean, their story is so
crazy, I kinda believe it.
And at $200 a month,
I can't afford not to.
I feel bad about Howard.
He needed a Dudenoff today,
and I dropped the ball.
Take one trick.
He'll come back around.
Unlike my Loretta.
- I'll take two.
- At least she's still alive.
Sazz sacrificed everything for me,
and by the time I realized it, it
was too late to make it up to her.
I'll take none.
Maybe Ronnie should ask Loretta
Okay, R-Ronnie is still with us?
Oliver, I know you're doing this
because you're afraid to lose Loretta,
but if she finds out,
you are gonna lose her.
[SIGHS]
Okay, fine.
I'll put Ronnie down.
No, I can't.
I can't do it. Mabel, you kill her.
- [MABEL SIGHS]
- [JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Alright. Well, does
Ronnie have any last words?
"We say bye-bye
because one bye is never enough."
- Okay, nice eulogy. Funeral over.
- [IPAD BLOOPS]
Funeral.
Maybe there is something
I can still do for Sazz.
[BAR CHATTER]
You need a body?
I'm your body.
["THE PARTING GLASS"
BY THE HIGH KINGS PLAYING]
[GLEN] When a face learns to
appreciate their double's sacrifices,
it can make for a special bond.
One that lasts a lifetime
or even beyond.
Alright now, you sure
you can handle this?
Sazz stood in for me so many times.
The least I can do is lie down for her.
- [SONG CONTINUES]
- Oh!
Alright, animals,
gather around! Listen up.
We are here to pay tribute
to the great Sazz Pataki.
- [BAR CROWD] Sazz!
- First among us gone too soon.
She lies before us now in state.
We'll begin the service with the
traditional stuntman's margarita.
- Ready. Steady. Sláinte.
- [ALL] Sláinte!
- [MURMURING]
- [SINGING CONTINUES]
[STUNTMEN WAILING]
Who wants to tell Sazz how
much she meant to 'em? Line up.
- I got the breakaways.
- Good man.
And joy be with you ♪
Aw, Sazz.
When I clipped that sailboat in
that gnarly hang-gliding wreck,
you came with me to
get my prosthetic shins.
I love you, man!
the parting glass
and drink a health ♪
- [YELPS]
- [CROWD CLAPPING]
Whate'er befalls ♪
[WHISPERS] Lie still, dead man.
Gently rise and softly call ♪
Next!
Goodnight and joy be to ♪
Sazz. You taught me to
put my fireproof jockstrap
in the freezer before a blow-up.
Shrunk my dick. You saved
me from burning my balls off.
[AGREEMENT MURMURING]
Thanks, pal.
for my going away ♪
- And all the sweethearts ♪
- [GRUNTS]
That e'er I had ♪
[GLEN] Right. Well,
my favorite Sazz story.
Bunch of us lads got hired as stunt
consultants on Jackass Forever.
This was the one where
that shite fucker Rex Bailey
got his heel blown off
teaching Johnny Knoxville
how to get fired out of a cannon.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Anyways,
Steve-O
kept calling me Lucky Charms
Boy. Magically delicious!
Pink hearts, yellow moons,
green clovers, orange stars,
blue diamonds, every feckin'
marshmallow in the box!
[AGREEMENT MURMURING]
And Sazz, bless her
she put him in an arm bar until
I gently rise and softly call ♪
[CRYING] until he pissed his trousers.
[GASPING]
Oh, Sazz, love,
we're fucked if we know how
to stagger on without ya.
[MUSIC BUILDING]
- [BOTTLE THUDS]
- [STUNTMEN GASP]
["THE PARTING GLASS"
CONTINUES TRIUMPHANTLY]
Was that a real bottle, you asshole?
You set them up, you prick!
- [STUNTMEN ARGUING]
- Are you calling me a Rex Bailey?
Ye feckin' cock!
- [ALL YELLING]
- [CUE STICKS CLATTER]
[SONG CONTINUES]
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [FIGHTING, SMASHING]
Just like Sazz would've wanted.
[YELLING, FIGHTING CONTINUES]
La, la, la, la ♪
[SOFT GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CHARLES] Hey, Sazz.
- [SAZZ] Hey!
[CHARLES] You okay? That last
hit you took looked pretty rough.
[SAZZ] Ah, piece of cake.
But someday, I won't be able
to take the hits anymore,
and then, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'ma open up a trampoline park
like the ones I used
to go to with my dad.
Where a kid can learn how
to fly and how to fall.
Train the next generation
of stunt people.
The Sazz Pataki Impact Academy.
Why not build it here? Location
manager said this lot's for sale.
Or it will be after
the Superfund cleanup.
Ah, yeah. Maybe.
Uh, and let's keep
this under our hat, huh?
The other stunt guys
would laugh at this.
But I can trust you.
You're my number one.
- [PATS BACK]
- [WHOOSH]
- [MUFFLED FIGHTING CONTINUES]
- [MUFFLED STUNTMEN SCREAMING]
[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
[GRUNTS]
[CAR DOORS SHUT]
This is it. Sazz's Paradise.
- Is this a toxic waste dump?
- It was.
Government cleaned it up.
[OLIVER] Hmm.
Yuck.
♪
This was her dream.
- She came so close.
- [MUFFLED CLATTERING]
Wait. Did you hear that?
Is somebody in there?
Careful.
[DOOR CREAKS]
- [MABEL] What is this place, a hideout?
- [CHARLES] Kinda spooky.
[OLIVER] This is really
gonna drain my battery.
Let me know if you see an outlet.
- [CREAK]
- [MABEL GASPS]
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [OLIVER] Oh! [LAUGHS]
Thank God, someone from show business.
Don't move or I'll blow
your fucking brains out.
[ALL YELPING]
- [DRAMATIC CRESCENDO]
- [COCKS GUN]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]