Orange Is the New Black s04e04 Episode Script
Doctor Psycho
Hello? Hello? Where's Caputo? I need to speak with him.
- Take the tray, inmate.
- But Take the tray.
My son's birthday's comin' up.
Or or it passed.
What day is it? I slept on it like you said.
Took a nice cold shower.
Did some of those breathing exercises.
And? I still think we should kill her.
What? No! No, that was, like the opposite conclusion you were supposed to come to.
Well, clearly, you're a sensitive Sally on this one.
I'll do it myself.
Now, where are my gloves? Okay, listen, Lolly is batshit bonkers.
Fine, I'll give you that.
But she wasn't gonna actually dig up everything.
Oh, you think she was diggin' for gold? Who the fuck knows? I don't know.
She's weird.
Maybe maybe she was checking on the decomposition.
Ah! Found 'em! Look, I can handle Lolly.
No, you can't.
She's got too many loose screws.
Like my cousin Arlene, after they kidnapped her, put her in a truck, and gave her a pickax lobotomy.
- Oh, my - But before she went blonde, that helped with her self-esteem a little.
- She saved my life! - Yeah.
We are talking about murdering someone.
A human being.
Again.
Oh, my God, all the blood.
Who said anything about blood? This time it's gonna be nice and clean.
You ever hear of oleander? - Hey! - Whoa! Fifteen.
- In a row? - Yup.
Suffering Sappho! You're good.
You're quotin' Wonder Woman? Now, isn't that a little bit before your time? Come on.
All the comic book nerds know the lingo.
And I used to jerk off to her when I was 12.
And 27.
You bad boy.
William Moulton Marston, who created Wonder Woman, had two wives.
- See, why do you know that? - Well, call me a polyamory expert.
Yeah.
I forgot.
The whole boyfriend-and-husband thing.
But now, those three were into bondage, very kinky stuff.
That is why Wonder Woman was always chained up, trapped in cages, hog-tied.
Kinda like how I spent my thirties.
Hey, blanco grande, you work here.
- Yo, I need audifonos, headphones.
- And deodorant.
The roll-on kind, not that spray shit.
It's bad for the environment.
These look like spider bites to you? Or you think it's shingles? They don't really itch, just hurt, you know, like I got poison in my head.
- You should go to medical.
- What about us? - We need stuff.
- You can buy stuff at commissary.
With what money? We don't got jobs.
Hey, don't look at me.
If there's no work assignments, I can't very well hand out work, now, can I? There is work, but you only got it for the OG inmates.
Hey, look at it this way.
Would you rather be scrubbing toilets? Maybe.
Yeah.
Better than sittin' with our thumbs up our butt.
Look, there's a lot of ways to stay busy in prison, okay? You can read a book, you can watch educational television.
You have to learn how to help yourselves in here.
Bad guy with the crazy hair You know, there's There's nothing forbidden for you.
This scoundrel bothering you? Well, uh, no, honey.
No, he's not.
But thanks.
Careful there.
You got a lot of cream there.
It can cause a lot of mucus.
Oh, no.
We're not drinkin' it.
No, we're flippin' it.
Tryin' to pass the time.
That is one strange man.
Yeah, he's basically Dr.
Psycho.
Oh, oh, oh.
The one who hates women.
- Yes! - Yes! It wasn't my fault.
Michael Chinchetta was making fun of Mom.
He called her a lesbian who howls at the Moon.
He also made fun of my haircut.
He said I look like Dick Van Dyke.
Dick Van Dyke is an American hero and Michael Chinchetta is a bully.
Dad what's a lesbian? Lesbianism is a disease.
- Like what Mom has? - No, it's different.
Another kind of mental illness.
So what does Mom have? Mom has a highly active imagination and it makes her see and hear things that aren't there.
- Like angels? - Yes.
And little people in the walls, and sometimes, Roy Orbison.
But I think this new treatment is gonna change things.
Bring her back to us.
Am I gonna get Mom's disease? No.
Only women get it.
I hope she makes her tuna-fish casserole tonight.
- Or I can make it for her.
- Shh.
Enough.
Here she comes.
Why does she look like that? It's temporary.
Go help her get in the car.
Maria can I talk to you? How come Fruit of the Loom never tried to hire me? I understood most of that.
And I would be happy to speak with you if you are truly interested.
I wanted to give you a heads-up about that girl you've been hanging out with.
I hang out with a lot of girls.
She's new.
Medium height, cheeks? Cheeky-cheeks.
I've been doing palace of the mind to try and remember things.
- Her name is a board game.
- Ouija.
Yes.
Yes.
Anyway I thought you should know, I saw your friend stealing scraps of panties.
And? And she can't do that.
Well, you don't have a copyright on the dirty-underwear business.
Maybe other people have plans.
I'm sorry.
Are you You don't even have the infrastructure.
- How hard could it be? - How hard? There's a website to maintain, and couriers, not to mention brand identity, client lists, payment.
You can't I'm I'm not Wait I'm not revealing trade secrets to you.
You're my competition now.
We finished here? Maria, I urge you to stop and think about this.
One illegal business is dangerous.
Two businesses, particularly one that's not well-run it could expose all of us.
I better run it real good then.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi.
Can you keep a secret? I love secrets.
No disciplinary violations.
No petty or serious infractions.
I see a "loafing and shirking" comment, but that's been crossed out.
No work absences, no noted fights with other inmates.
Actually, I don't see a single shot in two years.
Looks like you've been a model inmate.
That's me.
Well, you're eligible for early release, so let's talk about gettin' you out of here.
This is a shit secret.
This is a secret that fucks everyone who touches it.
Yeah, well, tag.
You're it.
Are you sleeping? How are you, psychologically? I'm a mess.
What do you think? I've never I've never taken a life before.
I'm just tryin' to get through the day without vomiting every hour.
You're too sensitive.
People like you shouldn't kill.
Thanks for that great advice.
And in my garden.
Who do you think they'll blame, hmm? I'm your co-conspirator now.
Is he under the tomatoes? Please, say he's not under the tomatoes.
- I don't know.
Maybe.
- Maybe? I was going to pickle those, add a little sugar.
I can't work with these sacks of sludge.
The only thing worse than so-called "meat curry," is fresh produce fertilized with rotting flesh.
You know, I didn't tell you so you could flip out about your vegetables.
So why did you leave this flaming bag of dog shit on my doorstep, huh? You're not my daughter.
You've never come to me for anything.
You're right.
You are the last person I wanna trust with this fucking albatross of a secret but I need your help.
Frieda wants to kill Lolly.
Literally kill her, and she won't listen to me.
You're the resident Frieda-whisperer, so whisper.
Work your magic.
Has she tried anything yet? No, but she's making this poisonous tea out of these oleander leaves she found out by the fence.
Oh, those fucking leaves.
She's been dying to use those.
Shit! Hello? Uh, Litchfield Public Library? I'm calling from Jefferson, um Chemical.
Our Internet is broken.
It is such a buzzkill.
Would you mind looking up a few urgent things for us? Great.
Thank you so much.
Yes.
First question.
Is Beyoncé really getting divorced? Because we read a real suspicious-sounding article in US Weekly, and Mr.
Healy! - Hello? Are you still - Uh how may I, uh, assist you this fine afternoon? I wanna see Caputo.
Well, his next availability, mmm-hmm, one second is, mmm, in two weeks.
You're kiddin' me, right? You know, Mr.
Healy, back in the day, it was real good when we had plenty of time to see you, but now, I I don't know.
Really, huh? How about, uh two boxes of Good and Plenty? - Five.
- Three.
Mr.
Healy's here to see you.
Fuck.
Outside, he's in Side Boob.
In here, he's the head boob.
If you want something, you might wanna start out by not insulting me.
I'd like to talk to you about inmate King.
Good.
What's the update? Well, unfortunately, she's been hangin' out with some unsavory types.
Hard to avoid in prison.
I think it would be good for her to stay busy.
I got an idea.
Cooking class.
We can't afford new equipment.
Hey, she's very resourceful.
I'm telling you, I've seen the videos.
She can take an olive jar and turn it into a snow globe.
And what about food? And ingredients? Well, we got the garden.
We got a bunch of those canned goods in the expired earthquake kits.
Ah, and if one inmate gets salmonella from a ten-year-old sardine, it's my neck on the line.
Hey, look, you gave Berdie an improv troupe.
I'm talkin' about a culinary-skills class taught by a world-class chef.
Everybody in here would want in.
You know that, Joe.
Mmm-hmm.
So what you're sayin' is you're gonna take a bunch of restless inmates keep them occupied a couple of times a week.
Correct-a-mundo.
Fine then.
Yes, you have my blessing.
Talk to Piscatella first.
Aye, aye, el Caputano.
Healy! Yeah? No knives.
Obviously.
What are you doing? I'm making breakfast.
But it's the middle of the night.
I couldn't sleep and I wanted to keep my hands busy.
Take a seat, kiddo.
Deviled eggs and a side of tomato.
Are you feeling better now? I am, especially now that I'm with my little man.
You're not hungry? I'm allergic to eggs.
- What are you talking about? - They make me itchy.
I get a rash.
Sorry.
This new therapy it makes my brain a little skippy.
Actually I was thinking about stopping the treatments.
They're very traumatic, the way they put these metal plates on my head, and then, afterwards it's like I've been erased.
Does Dad know? I'm only telling you because you understand me.
You always have.
Don't you want Mommy to hear the angels again, to be happy? No.
I think it's better when you do the plates.
I don't like it when you're crazy.
Of course.
You're right.
You hear that? Oh, it's the sprinkler.
Your father will be angry if we leave it on all night.
Finish your juice.
I'll go shut it off.
Mom! Mom! Mom! All right, ladies.
Shift's over.
That's it.
Let's go.
Ugh! What the fuck, Red? I know all about your plan to poison the crazy girl.
You think I'm that stupid? I'd carry a cup of death juice in plain sight? That was coffee! Sure it was, and Rasputin had a sea cucumber instead of a penis.
Trust me! When I'm ready to make my move, it's gonna be a lot less conspicuous.
Can't mind your own business for five goddamn minutes, can you, Red? Oh, I'll mind my own business when people stop burying bodies in my garden.
Now come walk with me.
Poison is beneath you, Frieda, huh? It's for witches and bored housewives, not badass biker chicks with octopus tattoos.
What can I say? I'm gettin' old.
Oh, you are.
So am I.
What's your point? I know where all the bodies are buried not just the literal ones.
I can't go back to Max.
I'll die down there.
If you poison that girl, it'll get back to you, and you'll be lucky if they give you Max.
Go! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Take cover right now! Don't you come over here! - Go! - Hey, don't shove me! I am not shoving.
I'm saving.
There's a Hellfire missile up there with your name on it.
There's a Hellfire missile that says "Ramona"? Yeah.
Read about the Patriot Act.
It's all in there, girl.
She's a broken cuckoo clock.
So? We already knew that.
She can run her mouth off to random inmates but if she blabs to anyone in real power, we're all dead.
She's a problem, Red.
I know it and you know it.
Yes? - You rang? - Oh, come in.
Come in.
I was just watching a documentary on a sushi chef that works in a subway station.
I don't eat sushi and I don't take subways, but it's interesting to me.
Oh, thank you.
The pride he took in his work, you know? Anyways I have some good news.
My sentence has been commuted.
You're a funny criminal.
But no.
I pulled some strings and I've arranged for you to lead a cooking class.
I see.
Thinking of calling it, the King of the Kitchen - Ah.
- or, um, "Le Cordon King.
" Well, I hope this doesn't sound impolite, but I'd like to decline your considerate offer.
Is that so? No, I mean, by all means, put me to work.
I would love to learn a new trade, maybe plumbing or or electricals.
Mmm, well, electrical is, uh poorly managed.
Well, you choose.
You're the expert.
You know, I've chosen.
You know, these girls, a lot of them, come from poor, disadvantaged communities and this class could make a big difference for them.
But I guess you don't care about that, huh? Helping others? Oh, I do.
I do.
That's why I set up a scholarship fund for young chefs in rural Tennessee.
It's why I do everything I can to diversify all my kitchens.
I sit on numerous boards, volunteer, do PBS.
So, forgive me if I want a respite.
I'm sorry.
This is what MCC has decided is best for you.
Of course.
Happy to oblige.
Thank you.
I liked the part, uh, with the puppets and when the woman set the bishop on fire.
Yeah, I didn't really get a lot of it.
I didn't either, but I think that's kinda, like, what this cultural thing is about, you know? It's like AA.
Half the job is just showin' up.
Well, it's, um, it's late.
I should go home.
Well, I I got a car.
Let me give you a ride.
It's okay.
I'll get a cab.
You didn't have fun? - I did.
- So? So you're my therapist.
Social worker, not therapist.
It feels wrong.
Hey, we're just two people, trying to figure it out, you know? - I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
Mom? It's me Sam.
Sam? Long day at the office? First, I had to photocopy, and alphabetize, all of the W2s for the new guards, which I then had to fax to some chick named Heather at MCC and then some other chick named Tonya at the BOP, so now I know all the guards' middle names.
Then, when I was supposed to take my lunch break, Mr.
Caputo needed help downloading the latest version of Excel.
Why? Because he's like a hundred years old and doesn't know how to use a computer, which I don't either, but it's really not that hard, like - common sense, people.
- Mmm.
Oh, and then I had to fill out an order form for order forms.
So weird, right? Oh, and I got to eat this bar that Caputo eats sometimes instead of food when he's really busy, and it wasn't that bad.
Had this weird color, and he said I would probably have trouble poopin'.
I need to get myself a yoga ball.
Did you call the public library like I asked? - I I did.
- Oh! And? Go! Come on.
What'd they say? Are dragons covered in feathers, like the dinosaurs, or are they covered in scales like the Gorgons? You know they weren't quite sure.
With responsibility comes great power.
Isn't it the other way around? No.
Think about it.
I will call the library people tomorrow, Suzanne.
I promise.
You got power now, right? Mmm-mmm.
I got a desk.
That's it.
And, like, a phone.
And, like, the ear of the warden, but that's it.
So, if I needed something Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, no.
Don't get me involved in your Middle East bullshit.
Hey, you got to share the love, homie.
I mean, that's how black people be gettin' ahead.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Look at Obama.
- Change.
- He got to be president, - so now the rest of us get to be - In prison.
Oh! I forgot to tell y'all.
I've got hella big news on Judy King.
Yo, Poussey will lose her shit.
Where she at? She busy.
Well, you can't really do that.
You can't control what goes on in your dreams.
- Uh, yeah, you can.
- What? It's called lucid dreaming.
No.
No, no, no.
Lucid dreaming is when you talk to yourself in your dreams.
Like, "Hey, you.
Wake up.
You didn't actually go to school naked.
" Well, whatever it's called, you can totally curate pictures and themes that go into your brain.
Like your own private film festival.
Doesn't that, sort of, defeat the purpose of a dream? - Hmm.
- Like, it's supposed to be about surprises.
Ugh! I don't like surprises.
I like to be in control.
That's funny 'cause I sort of like it when you lose control.
Like when I do this.
You got a problem down here with kites? No, sir.
Burset.
I never thought I'd be happy to see that mustache.
You gotta get me out of here.
Well, turning your cell into a Russian bath is not helping your case.
Flooding is a punishable offense.
You should know that.
How else was I supposed to get your attention? Well, you can ask for me.
Are you kiddin' me? I've been shoutin' your name for months.
Well, you have not been down here that long.
Easy for you to say.
You haven't been thrown in a dungeon, forgotten about.
No one has forgotten about you.
Sophia, you're a smart girl.
You have to know you're not helping yourself.
You need to meet me halfway if we have any chance of gettin' you out of here.
I wanna talk to my wife.
Tell her where I am.
I've already spoken with Crystal.
What? What What'd she say? Well, she agrees with me.
We need to wait for the right time to return you to gen pop.
She would never say that.
You lyin'.
Think about it.
You're still in here, aren't you? What are you doin'? Put your shirt back on! I advise you not Either you let me out of here, or I'm gonna keep flushin' this toilet till I drown myself! You're doin' this to yourself.
Remember that.
CO Schmuck-a-Fuck, get over here.
Schmuck-a-Fuck.
Move Burset to a dry cell before she gets hypothermia.
Oh, but it's late.
Uh, most of the COs are already gone.
It takes three for a move.
I don't fucking care! You find people.
This isn't Guantanamo.
Get her a fucking shirt! Hey.
What the fuck? Shh.
It's me.
Alex? - Shh.
- What are you doing? Come talk to me in the bathroom.
You haven't said more than "hi" to me in days, and now you want some kind of a middle-of-the-night confab? I don't wanna talk.
Is this a booty call? - Come find out.
- Why? Why are you doing this now? God, you really know how to dry a girl up.
I'm sorry.
I'm confused.
I thought that you hated me.
I do.
What's going on? Nothing.
I just I have insomnia.
If something's up, you can tell me.
It's cool.
Good night, Pipes.
I can't believe they're letting her teach a class, as if she weren't entitled enough.
- You get to teach a class.
- It's different.
Don't seem so different.
Well, it is.
Yoga is a democratic practice.
Anyone can do it.
Learning to curl zucchini ribbons is rarified.
You do realize that only rich, white people do yoga, right? And the billions of Indian people who have been practicing it for over 5,000 years? How about them? I'm working through some issues.
- Question.
- Mmm.
Do we still think Judy King a racist or is she just Southern? - Mmm, I don't know.
- Speaking of racist.
Can you guys make room? Yeah.
Uh - Hi.
I'm Alison.
- Hmm.
Suzanne.
Uh it's not Bring Your Stranger to Work Day.
Poussey got Oriental Trading over there.
Yeah, I think Final Call here is a little different.
Come on, man.
Chill.
Uh, Alison do you have hair? I do.
I cover it for modesty.
I got a cousin who lives in Modesto.
That's, like, modest with an "O.
" We were just conversing about Judy and how sick her class gonna be.
Yeah, yo! You guys are a bunch of suckers.
I mean, come on.
You really think that class is gonna change stuff? - Yeah.
- No, man.
We still gonna be bussin' tables and flippin' burgers when we get out of here.
- Fuck that.
- Yeah! I don't do food service.
Unless it's White Castle, you know, 'cause their burgers be so itty-bitty.
So, you gonna go? I don't know.
I hate celebrities.
They're all hoity-toity.
They have people watchin' 'em.
They got all those adopted kids, in general.
I did once get to see the real Lassie at the Dutchess County Sheep and Wool Festival.
- Like, the dog? - Yeah.
All right, inmates, forks down! First breakfast shift is now over.
I need you to clear out, so we can start the second shift.
Uh, but we didn't even get our food yet.
Yeah, when I get too skinny, my ass gets flat.
Them's the rules.
You wanna eat, get here earlier next time.
Did you hear me? Let's move! 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me! - 'Scuse me! - All right.
All right.
Hey, rub-a-dub-dub, you've been scrubbin' that same pan for 20 minutes.
So what? You a scrub expert now? You know what? Have at it.
This got anything to do with that meeting you had yesterday? Yeah, that's right.
I know about it.
I'm like Columbo, but with two real eyes and a better ass.
I'm being evicted.
You getting out? Not, like, this afternoon, but yeah, real soon.
How did you not know your date was coming up? It's early.
I guess I was good or some shit.
I don't know.
Holy shit.
Wow.
- Well, hey, congratulations.
- Yeah, no, not congratulations.
More like con-fuck-ulations or whatever the opposite of congratulations is.
Why? You get to go find your kids.
You get to fuck 'em up yourself instead of having someone do it for you.
Even I find them, I'm not gonna get 'em.
The state won't give them over unless I got an apartment.
So you work a little bit, you get an apartment.
Sure.
People love to hire ex-cons.
And in skills, I'll write, "Packed heroin real good," and "Fucked people who pack heroin.
" Why even try? I'm fucked.
Ay, okay.
Enough.
You gotta bust your ass now, mama.
Make some moves.
Work your contacts.
Work your relatives.
Work the system.
Get educated, if you have to.
Get your GED.
Do whatever you gotta do.
You got a goal now.
You can't shrivel up into a ball.
Mira, you gotta save your kids.
You're Puerto Rican.
You know somebody with an apartment.
You know somebody with a job.
Qué? You gonna roll over like a pendeja? Huh? - No! - No, that's right.
Mira, clean that fucking pan, 'cause I got a life, too, you know? You told Daya yet? No.
Con-fuck-ulations on that one.
No shit.
You, get off the fence.
I feel you creepin' over there.
For the record, I'm a pacifist.
Huh? Lookie here.
A secret fuck spot.
Well, not anymore.
Break it up.
Come on.
Let's go.
Keep movin'.
Man, when you see them all together like this, there are a lot of inmates.
I know.
Like, if they ever banded together, they could totally overpower us.
We're done.
At least we got the new guards.
They're, like, trained in combat.
Yeah but I'm kind of scared of the new guards.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, you think they'll give us leftovers? I don't know.
Maybe.
Ladies I'd like to welcome you to Food for Thought.
This is an exclusive opportunity.
People at Yale University couldn't take this class only you.
Judy King! Yes.
So I'm gonna turn it over to, uh, inmate King now.
Uh, all right, how about this? I want you to raise your hand if you've ever made sunchoke velouté.
Never heard of it.
How about cuttlefish ravioli? Never mind.
What about anything with foam? "Foam," did she say? Good.
Neither have I.
All right.
I don't make anything highfalutin.
I cook real food for real people to eat, and I don't do it alone.
I mean, any good chef will tell you that cookin' is a team sport.
So you're gonna learn some practical skills here that are gonna make you a better team player.
So, today, I'm gonna do a demonstration, but I'm hopin' that, in the future, we're gonna set up some work stations so everybody can get their hands dirty.
Yes, with the makeup.
Uh, Muccio.
Uh, I was just wonderin', do you think we'll do a casserole? Because I know that my Vinnie, he really likes the traditional-type stuff.
Well, no, darlin', we're not.
We're gonna have to do somethin' much simpler, since we don't have very much in the way of ingredients or knives, but it's a dish that I think some of you, in particular, are really gonna enjoy.
Cornbread! Yup.
See? You called it.
Racist.
But Filipino style.
- Yeah, I'm not sure about that.
- Mmm.
I got this recipe from a coconut farmer in Manila.
Now, I need a volunteer.
- Me! How about me? - Oh, yes, Ms.
Washington.
Come on.
Teacher's pet, man.
Now, I'm gonna need your help.
Oh, look, I meant to Look at that.
- What on earth does that say, I wonder? - Lait de coco.
- That's it, I knew you'd know it.
- It's coconut milk.
Now, the first step is easy.
Locate a shit-ton of butter.
All right? So, after that, I got my master's degree in social work from lona.
Hey, you're not hungry? No.
No, my teeth Oh, we'll get you something softer.
We'll get you some, uh, cottage cheese or deviled eggs or something like that.
- Sam - Yeah.
It's me.
It's your boy.
I've missed you, Mom.
Mom, I want you to know I'm not angry with you for disappearing.
I know that you reached out to me that night and I didn't listen.
I wasn't there for you.
But I'm I'm hopin' to change all that now.
Okay? What? Is that your name? Ellen? Ellen.
Ellen.
Yes, I'm Ellen.
Not Margaret? No I'm Ellen.
Okay, well you know what? We'll We'll have a nice meal together.
I'm not gonna send it back.
No, I gotta go.
I gotta go find my blanket.
No, no.
Stay.
Stay and talk to me.
Uh, I'm havin' a bad night.
From the looks of it, you're not in such a great place yourself.
No, I gotta go now! Stay with me.
Stay with me.
You think somebody else is gonna help you now? Huh? Huh? Doggett.
Hey.
Will you wait up? You avoiding me or somethin'? I just don't really like cookin'.
I was just curious, but I changed my mind.
Not just now, but, like, all the time.
No.
Just been busy workin' really hard.
Hey, you can talk to me.
What's goin' on? You got one of those seizures comin' or somethin'? - Are you doin' it with her? - What? Are you doin' it with that Spanish girl, that lil' pixie one that drives the van? What are you talkin' about? Ramos? She's not even my type.
- Why? You jealous? - No.
No, I'm not jealous.
- Why would you even ask me that? - 'Cause I just wanna make sure you're not rapin' her, is all.
You think I raped you? Yeah.
I mean, what else do you call that? But I love you.
I told you that.
And I said it when When I said it.
So? So, that makes it different.
But that didn't feel any different.
I've called this summit because all three of you need to communicate better.
You're operating out of fear, which is causing certain people to make bad decisions.
Oh, well, uh I'm sorry.
Who are you? - You know who I am! - No, I mean, who sent you? Relax.
I asked her for help.
She's here as a consultant.
And how do you know she is not bugged? She could be recordin' this whole thing.
She is Russian, for God's sake.
Lolly how can you assure your partners over here that you are not going to go digging for buried treasure again? 'Cause I don't have a shovel.
Good point.
Maybe we should strategize how to get her kicked off grounds' crew.
All right, could we just move on and just put this in the past? I can.
Then again I'm not our problem.
Oh Why is everybody lookin' at me? Because your little Tell-Tale Heart stunt freaked everybody out.
And now nobody here trusts you.
Fine.
I got two words for you guys.
Las Vegas.
- Oh, here we go.
- There is a bunker in Las Vegas filled with these dudes who work for the United States government, and they sit on these little video-game consoles and they they they fly drones over Afghanistan and Iraq.
You know that Okay, you know the drone that's been hoverin' over the the garden? That is just a camera drone, but if you listen really good, you could hear the second drone above that drone.
That is the Predator drone, and that is the drone that kills people! - From Las Vegas.
- Exactly! - See? She gets it.
- Barely.
I have it under very good information that that killer drone was sent by the United States government in response to our attack on one of their agents.
And since the Freedom of Information Act does not apply to privatized prisons they could just wipe us out! Boom, boom, boom, and nobody would ever even know.
But see, unless we shoot that drone down I guess we'd have to use a gun or somethin' like that and we'd have to probably steal it from a guard.
Or we sneak on to a computer and just leak the information to that dude, um, Julian Assage.
Assange if I could still find his e-mail.
All right, you guys keep talkin', and I'm gonna go out to the garden and check on that drone.
Frieda's right.
We have to kill her.
Group therapy is starting in five minutes.
Missed quite a show.
- Good.
- Big success.
Good.
Listen, uh, Ms.
King has asked me to remove you as her counselor.
What? That's ridiculous.
She says you make her uncomfortable and that you have power issues.
That's how women talk.
Well MCC is already up my ass about her.
I gotta comply.
She's an inmate, for Christ's sakes, Joe.
Yeah, for now.
But in half a year she'll be a rich celebrity again with the power and means to sue us for whatever the fuck she wants.
What about Food for Thought? Someone else will supervise the class.
Hey on the bright side, this class had the highest attendance out of any activity to date.
It was a hit.
You were right.
Good job.
Why you hiding in here? It's creepy.
It's quiet.
I like it.
That's nice.
If I spend time reading law books or reading up on foster care, maybe, instead of drawing these stupid pictures, I'd be prepared.
I'd maybe know how to get Armaria back.
Daya, look at me.
I'm getting out of here soon.
Soon? How soon? Real soon.
And I'm gonna get Christina and Eva and Lucy and Emiliano and your little Armaria back.
So stop all this moping shit.
Are you kidding me? Why would I mess with you like that? I don't know, 'cause you play some fucked-up head games sometimes? Why ain't you saying nothing? I'm gonna miss you.
And you're probably gonna fuck up my kid.
So, um yeah, we quit.
- Sorry.
- But, like, not really.
Let me guess.
You're working for Maria now.
She gave us free slipper socks.
She is paying you in slipper socks 'cause she can't pay you in actual money yet.
Flaca, what about your sick mother? Don't you wanna send her cash? Don't you go pretendin' like you actually care about me.
Soon, I'll be making twice as much cash with Maria, 'cause she's all about, like, upward mobility and la raza.
And you know what? She's just plain nicer.
- And slipper socks.
- You said that already.
I really like them.
Should I go over there and pull her hair or something? - I give a mean Indian burn.
- No, I got this.
You're jacking my girls now? You jacked my panties, I jack your girls.
You jacked my idea.
You are the original jacker.
Look, Maria this is getting out of hand.
I do not wanna start a war with you.
This isn't war.
It's business.
Have a nice day.
Hey! Hey! How you gonna identify me without this? Hmm? How you gonna do it? How you gonna kill me then? You're not gonna do it.
You're not gonna do it.
How do you think you're gonna identify me without this? Hmm? How you gonna do it? The fuck's happening here? I, um, I don't know.
But it is highly entertaining.
Homemade camouflage, bitches! How long has she been like this? Ten, fifteen minutes.
Yeah.
She was yelling about the NSA, um, and body parts.
The prisoner is having a psychotic break and you're standing here giggling like women.
Let's get her to Psych.
Now.
You stay here.
You can't see me! You can't shoot me! I'm invisible! - I'm invisible! - Lolly! Lolly, get up! - No! Don't shoot me! - Lolly, please get up.
Can't see me, can't see me, can't see me, can't see me.
On your feet.
Rose, you smell that? What is that? Smoke, girl! Guards! Sound the alarm! Get out of here! Get everybody out! Come on! Now! Let's go! Let's go! Tell Caputo to go fuck himself.
I'm just gettin' started.
Jesus Christ.
No! No! They're gonna electrocute me! Hey, what the hell's goin' on here? We got a live one.
Takin' her to Psych.
This woman needs a certified counselor.
Come here.
Come on.
Come.
We'll have a talk in my office.
Okay? Show's over.
People are trying to kill me.
Who? The NSA, the military, whoever's operating that drone that's hidin' in the clouds above the garden.
Why is the NSA or the military interested in our garden? 'Cause I I killed a guy and chopped him up and buried him in there.
- You killed a guy? - Yep.
He was a hit man.
He worked for an international drug cartel that was backed by the United States, probably the CIA.
Oh, it could've been FEMA.
They've been targeting me for a long time.
Have you ever heard of, uh, of Rex 84? No, of course you haven't heard of it.
It's classified.
Do you sometimes see or hear things that aren't there? Sure, I hear voices.
Like angels? That sorta thing? Not angels.
I told you.
Voices, I hear voices.
I think you might be suffering from delusions.
I am not.
I hear that all the time.
"Lolly, you're crazy.
" "Lolly, you got conspiracy -theory-itis.
" That is not it! This is different this time.
This is real.
What if these voices that you're hearing are manipulating you? Trying to convince you that they're real? That you did a bad thing, when in reality, you didn't do anything? Why would they do that? You tell me.
Um Ooh, to frame me.
Ooh, to, um They could do research on me.
As a counselor I know everything that goes on here.
So, if someone anyone was killed here on campus I'd know about it.
So, you're saying I didn't kill anybody? No I don't believe you did.
Lucky for you, I got a lot of experience dealing with this kinda thing.
Let's get a treatment plan goin' for you, Whitehill.
Get those voices of yours under control.
You don't have to worry.
I'm gonna help you.
What the fuck did you say in there? Okay, okay, okay, wait.
Hold up.
Hold up.
I gotta apologize.
See, I was under the impression that I we, killed some dude.
No, my bad.
My bad.
My bad.
Turns out Rex 84 was manipulating my brain to make me think that.
Or maybe that Aydin guy was really, like, a hologram? Also, great counseling here.
I am continually impressed.
- Take the tray, inmate.
- But Take the tray.
My son's birthday's comin' up.
Or or it passed.
What day is it? I slept on it like you said.
Took a nice cold shower.
Did some of those breathing exercises.
And? I still think we should kill her.
What? No! No, that was, like the opposite conclusion you were supposed to come to.
Well, clearly, you're a sensitive Sally on this one.
I'll do it myself.
Now, where are my gloves? Okay, listen, Lolly is batshit bonkers.
Fine, I'll give you that.
But she wasn't gonna actually dig up everything.
Oh, you think she was diggin' for gold? Who the fuck knows? I don't know.
She's weird.
Maybe maybe she was checking on the decomposition.
Ah! Found 'em! Look, I can handle Lolly.
No, you can't.
She's got too many loose screws.
Like my cousin Arlene, after they kidnapped her, put her in a truck, and gave her a pickax lobotomy.
- Oh, my - But before she went blonde, that helped with her self-esteem a little.
- She saved my life! - Yeah.
We are talking about murdering someone.
A human being.
Again.
Oh, my God, all the blood.
Who said anything about blood? This time it's gonna be nice and clean.
You ever hear of oleander? - Hey! - Whoa! Fifteen.
- In a row? - Yup.
Suffering Sappho! You're good.
You're quotin' Wonder Woman? Now, isn't that a little bit before your time? Come on.
All the comic book nerds know the lingo.
And I used to jerk off to her when I was 12.
And 27.
You bad boy.
William Moulton Marston, who created Wonder Woman, had two wives.
- See, why do you know that? - Well, call me a polyamory expert.
Yeah.
I forgot.
The whole boyfriend-and-husband thing.
But now, those three were into bondage, very kinky stuff.
That is why Wonder Woman was always chained up, trapped in cages, hog-tied.
Kinda like how I spent my thirties.
Hey, blanco grande, you work here.
- Yo, I need audifonos, headphones.
- And deodorant.
The roll-on kind, not that spray shit.
It's bad for the environment.
These look like spider bites to you? Or you think it's shingles? They don't really itch, just hurt, you know, like I got poison in my head.
- You should go to medical.
- What about us? - We need stuff.
- You can buy stuff at commissary.
With what money? We don't got jobs.
Hey, don't look at me.
If there's no work assignments, I can't very well hand out work, now, can I? There is work, but you only got it for the OG inmates.
Hey, look at it this way.
Would you rather be scrubbing toilets? Maybe.
Yeah.
Better than sittin' with our thumbs up our butt.
Look, there's a lot of ways to stay busy in prison, okay? You can read a book, you can watch educational television.
You have to learn how to help yourselves in here.
Bad guy with the crazy hair You know, there's There's nothing forbidden for you.
This scoundrel bothering you? Well, uh, no, honey.
No, he's not.
But thanks.
Careful there.
You got a lot of cream there.
It can cause a lot of mucus.
Oh, no.
We're not drinkin' it.
No, we're flippin' it.
Tryin' to pass the time.
That is one strange man.
Yeah, he's basically Dr.
Psycho.
Oh, oh, oh.
The one who hates women.
- Yes! - Yes! It wasn't my fault.
Michael Chinchetta was making fun of Mom.
He called her a lesbian who howls at the Moon.
He also made fun of my haircut.
He said I look like Dick Van Dyke.
Dick Van Dyke is an American hero and Michael Chinchetta is a bully.
Dad what's a lesbian? Lesbianism is a disease.
- Like what Mom has? - No, it's different.
Another kind of mental illness.
So what does Mom have? Mom has a highly active imagination and it makes her see and hear things that aren't there.
- Like angels? - Yes.
And little people in the walls, and sometimes, Roy Orbison.
But I think this new treatment is gonna change things.
Bring her back to us.
Am I gonna get Mom's disease? No.
Only women get it.
I hope she makes her tuna-fish casserole tonight.
- Or I can make it for her.
- Shh.
Enough.
Here she comes.
Why does she look like that? It's temporary.
Go help her get in the car.
Maria can I talk to you? How come Fruit of the Loom never tried to hire me? I understood most of that.
And I would be happy to speak with you if you are truly interested.
I wanted to give you a heads-up about that girl you've been hanging out with.
I hang out with a lot of girls.
She's new.
Medium height, cheeks? Cheeky-cheeks.
I've been doing palace of the mind to try and remember things.
- Her name is a board game.
- Ouija.
Yes.
Yes.
Anyway I thought you should know, I saw your friend stealing scraps of panties.
And? And she can't do that.
Well, you don't have a copyright on the dirty-underwear business.
Maybe other people have plans.
I'm sorry.
Are you You don't even have the infrastructure.
- How hard could it be? - How hard? There's a website to maintain, and couriers, not to mention brand identity, client lists, payment.
You can't I'm I'm not Wait I'm not revealing trade secrets to you.
You're my competition now.
We finished here? Maria, I urge you to stop and think about this.
One illegal business is dangerous.
Two businesses, particularly one that's not well-run it could expose all of us.
I better run it real good then.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi.
Can you keep a secret? I love secrets.
No disciplinary violations.
No petty or serious infractions.
I see a "loafing and shirking" comment, but that's been crossed out.
No work absences, no noted fights with other inmates.
Actually, I don't see a single shot in two years.
Looks like you've been a model inmate.
That's me.
Well, you're eligible for early release, so let's talk about gettin' you out of here.
This is a shit secret.
This is a secret that fucks everyone who touches it.
Yeah, well, tag.
You're it.
Are you sleeping? How are you, psychologically? I'm a mess.
What do you think? I've never I've never taken a life before.
I'm just tryin' to get through the day without vomiting every hour.
You're too sensitive.
People like you shouldn't kill.
Thanks for that great advice.
And in my garden.
Who do you think they'll blame, hmm? I'm your co-conspirator now.
Is he under the tomatoes? Please, say he's not under the tomatoes.
- I don't know.
Maybe.
- Maybe? I was going to pickle those, add a little sugar.
I can't work with these sacks of sludge.
The only thing worse than so-called "meat curry," is fresh produce fertilized with rotting flesh.
You know, I didn't tell you so you could flip out about your vegetables.
So why did you leave this flaming bag of dog shit on my doorstep, huh? You're not my daughter.
You've never come to me for anything.
You're right.
You are the last person I wanna trust with this fucking albatross of a secret but I need your help.
Frieda wants to kill Lolly.
Literally kill her, and she won't listen to me.
You're the resident Frieda-whisperer, so whisper.
Work your magic.
Has she tried anything yet? No, but she's making this poisonous tea out of these oleander leaves she found out by the fence.
Oh, those fucking leaves.
She's been dying to use those.
Shit! Hello? Uh, Litchfield Public Library? I'm calling from Jefferson, um Chemical.
Our Internet is broken.
It is such a buzzkill.
Would you mind looking up a few urgent things for us? Great.
Thank you so much.
Yes.
First question.
Is Beyoncé really getting divorced? Because we read a real suspicious-sounding article in US Weekly, and Mr.
Healy! - Hello? Are you still - Uh how may I, uh, assist you this fine afternoon? I wanna see Caputo.
Well, his next availability, mmm-hmm, one second is, mmm, in two weeks.
You're kiddin' me, right? You know, Mr.
Healy, back in the day, it was real good when we had plenty of time to see you, but now, I I don't know.
Really, huh? How about, uh two boxes of Good and Plenty? - Five.
- Three.
Mr.
Healy's here to see you.
Fuck.
Outside, he's in Side Boob.
In here, he's the head boob.
If you want something, you might wanna start out by not insulting me.
I'd like to talk to you about inmate King.
Good.
What's the update? Well, unfortunately, she's been hangin' out with some unsavory types.
Hard to avoid in prison.
I think it would be good for her to stay busy.
I got an idea.
Cooking class.
We can't afford new equipment.
Hey, she's very resourceful.
I'm telling you, I've seen the videos.
She can take an olive jar and turn it into a snow globe.
And what about food? And ingredients? Well, we got the garden.
We got a bunch of those canned goods in the expired earthquake kits.
Ah, and if one inmate gets salmonella from a ten-year-old sardine, it's my neck on the line.
Hey, look, you gave Berdie an improv troupe.
I'm talkin' about a culinary-skills class taught by a world-class chef.
Everybody in here would want in.
You know that, Joe.
Mmm-hmm.
So what you're sayin' is you're gonna take a bunch of restless inmates keep them occupied a couple of times a week.
Correct-a-mundo.
Fine then.
Yes, you have my blessing.
Talk to Piscatella first.
Aye, aye, el Caputano.
Healy! Yeah? No knives.
Obviously.
What are you doing? I'm making breakfast.
But it's the middle of the night.
I couldn't sleep and I wanted to keep my hands busy.
Take a seat, kiddo.
Deviled eggs and a side of tomato.
Are you feeling better now? I am, especially now that I'm with my little man.
You're not hungry? I'm allergic to eggs.
- What are you talking about? - They make me itchy.
I get a rash.
Sorry.
This new therapy it makes my brain a little skippy.
Actually I was thinking about stopping the treatments.
They're very traumatic, the way they put these metal plates on my head, and then, afterwards it's like I've been erased.
Does Dad know? I'm only telling you because you understand me.
You always have.
Don't you want Mommy to hear the angels again, to be happy? No.
I think it's better when you do the plates.
I don't like it when you're crazy.
Of course.
You're right.
You hear that? Oh, it's the sprinkler.
Your father will be angry if we leave it on all night.
Finish your juice.
I'll go shut it off.
Mom! Mom! Mom! All right, ladies.
Shift's over.
That's it.
Let's go.
Ugh! What the fuck, Red? I know all about your plan to poison the crazy girl.
You think I'm that stupid? I'd carry a cup of death juice in plain sight? That was coffee! Sure it was, and Rasputin had a sea cucumber instead of a penis.
Trust me! When I'm ready to make my move, it's gonna be a lot less conspicuous.
Can't mind your own business for five goddamn minutes, can you, Red? Oh, I'll mind my own business when people stop burying bodies in my garden.
Now come walk with me.
Poison is beneath you, Frieda, huh? It's for witches and bored housewives, not badass biker chicks with octopus tattoos.
What can I say? I'm gettin' old.
Oh, you are.
So am I.
What's your point? I know where all the bodies are buried not just the literal ones.
I can't go back to Max.
I'll die down there.
If you poison that girl, it'll get back to you, and you'll be lucky if they give you Max.
Go! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Take cover right now! Don't you come over here! - Go! - Hey, don't shove me! I am not shoving.
I'm saving.
There's a Hellfire missile up there with your name on it.
There's a Hellfire missile that says "Ramona"? Yeah.
Read about the Patriot Act.
It's all in there, girl.
She's a broken cuckoo clock.
So? We already knew that.
She can run her mouth off to random inmates but if she blabs to anyone in real power, we're all dead.
She's a problem, Red.
I know it and you know it.
Yes? - You rang? - Oh, come in.
Come in.
I was just watching a documentary on a sushi chef that works in a subway station.
I don't eat sushi and I don't take subways, but it's interesting to me.
Oh, thank you.
The pride he took in his work, you know? Anyways I have some good news.
My sentence has been commuted.
You're a funny criminal.
But no.
I pulled some strings and I've arranged for you to lead a cooking class.
I see.
Thinking of calling it, the King of the Kitchen - Ah.
- or, um, "Le Cordon King.
" Well, I hope this doesn't sound impolite, but I'd like to decline your considerate offer.
Is that so? No, I mean, by all means, put me to work.
I would love to learn a new trade, maybe plumbing or or electricals.
Mmm, well, electrical is, uh poorly managed.
Well, you choose.
You're the expert.
You know, I've chosen.
You know, these girls, a lot of them, come from poor, disadvantaged communities and this class could make a big difference for them.
But I guess you don't care about that, huh? Helping others? Oh, I do.
I do.
That's why I set up a scholarship fund for young chefs in rural Tennessee.
It's why I do everything I can to diversify all my kitchens.
I sit on numerous boards, volunteer, do PBS.
So, forgive me if I want a respite.
I'm sorry.
This is what MCC has decided is best for you.
Of course.
Happy to oblige.
Thank you.
I liked the part, uh, with the puppets and when the woman set the bishop on fire.
Yeah, I didn't really get a lot of it.
I didn't either, but I think that's kinda, like, what this cultural thing is about, you know? It's like AA.
Half the job is just showin' up.
Well, it's, um, it's late.
I should go home.
Well, I I got a car.
Let me give you a ride.
It's okay.
I'll get a cab.
You didn't have fun? - I did.
- So? So you're my therapist.
Social worker, not therapist.
It feels wrong.
Hey, we're just two people, trying to figure it out, you know? - I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
Mom? It's me Sam.
Sam? Long day at the office? First, I had to photocopy, and alphabetize, all of the W2s for the new guards, which I then had to fax to some chick named Heather at MCC and then some other chick named Tonya at the BOP, so now I know all the guards' middle names.
Then, when I was supposed to take my lunch break, Mr.
Caputo needed help downloading the latest version of Excel.
Why? Because he's like a hundred years old and doesn't know how to use a computer, which I don't either, but it's really not that hard, like - common sense, people.
- Mmm.
Oh, and then I had to fill out an order form for order forms.
So weird, right? Oh, and I got to eat this bar that Caputo eats sometimes instead of food when he's really busy, and it wasn't that bad.
Had this weird color, and he said I would probably have trouble poopin'.
I need to get myself a yoga ball.
Did you call the public library like I asked? - I I did.
- Oh! And? Go! Come on.
What'd they say? Are dragons covered in feathers, like the dinosaurs, or are they covered in scales like the Gorgons? You know they weren't quite sure.
With responsibility comes great power.
Isn't it the other way around? No.
Think about it.
I will call the library people tomorrow, Suzanne.
I promise.
You got power now, right? Mmm-mmm.
I got a desk.
That's it.
And, like, a phone.
And, like, the ear of the warden, but that's it.
So, if I needed something Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, no.
Don't get me involved in your Middle East bullshit.
Hey, you got to share the love, homie.
I mean, that's how black people be gettin' ahead.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Look at Obama.
- Change.
- He got to be president, - so now the rest of us get to be - In prison.
Oh! I forgot to tell y'all.
I've got hella big news on Judy King.
Yo, Poussey will lose her shit.
Where she at? She busy.
Well, you can't really do that.
You can't control what goes on in your dreams.
- Uh, yeah, you can.
- What? It's called lucid dreaming.
No.
No, no, no.
Lucid dreaming is when you talk to yourself in your dreams.
Like, "Hey, you.
Wake up.
You didn't actually go to school naked.
" Well, whatever it's called, you can totally curate pictures and themes that go into your brain.
Like your own private film festival.
Doesn't that, sort of, defeat the purpose of a dream? - Hmm.
- Like, it's supposed to be about surprises.
Ugh! I don't like surprises.
I like to be in control.
That's funny 'cause I sort of like it when you lose control.
Like when I do this.
You got a problem down here with kites? No, sir.
Burset.
I never thought I'd be happy to see that mustache.
You gotta get me out of here.
Well, turning your cell into a Russian bath is not helping your case.
Flooding is a punishable offense.
You should know that.
How else was I supposed to get your attention? Well, you can ask for me.
Are you kiddin' me? I've been shoutin' your name for months.
Well, you have not been down here that long.
Easy for you to say.
You haven't been thrown in a dungeon, forgotten about.
No one has forgotten about you.
Sophia, you're a smart girl.
You have to know you're not helping yourself.
You need to meet me halfway if we have any chance of gettin' you out of here.
I wanna talk to my wife.
Tell her where I am.
I've already spoken with Crystal.
What? What What'd she say? Well, she agrees with me.
We need to wait for the right time to return you to gen pop.
She would never say that.
You lyin'.
Think about it.
You're still in here, aren't you? What are you doin'? Put your shirt back on! I advise you not Either you let me out of here, or I'm gonna keep flushin' this toilet till I drown myself! You're doin' this to yourself.
Remember that.
CO Schmuck-a-Fuck, get over here.
Schmuck-a-Fuck.
Move Burset to a dry cell before she gets hypothermia.
Oh, but it's late.
Uh, most of the COs are already gone.
It takes three for a move.
I don't fucking care! You find people.
This isn't Guantanamo.
Get her a fucking shirt! Hey.
What the fuck? Shh.
It's me.
Alex? - Shh.
- What are you doing? Come talk to me in the bathroom.
You haven't said more than "hi" to me in days, and now you want some kind of a middle-of-the-night confab? I don't wanna talk.
Is this a booty call? - Come find out.
- Why? Why are you doing this now? God, you really know how to dry a girl up.
I'm sorry.
I'm confused.
I thought that you hated me.
I do.
What's going on? Nothing.
I just I have insomnia.
If something's up, you can tell me.
It's cool.
Good night, Pipes.
I can't believe they're letting her teach a class, as if she weren't entitled enough.
- You get to teach a class.
- It's different.
Don't seem so different.
Well, it is.
Yoga is a democratic practice.
Anyone can do it.
Learning to curl zucchini ribbons is rarified.
You do realize that only rich, white people do yoga, right? And the billions of Indian people who have been practicing it for over 5,000 years? How about them? I'm working through some issues.
- Question.
- Mmm.
Do we still think Judy King a racist or is she just Southern? - Mmm, I don't know.
- Speaking of racist.
Can you guys make room? Yeah.
Uh - Hi.
I'm Alison.
- Hmm.
Suzanne.
Uh it's not Bring Your Stranger to Work Day.
Poussey got Oriental Trading over there.
Yeah, I think Final Call here is a little different.
Come on, man.
Chill.
Uh, Alison do you have hair? I do.
I cover it for modesty.
I got a cousin who lives in Modesto.
That's, like, modest with an "O.
" We were just conversing about Judy and how sick her class gonna be.
Yeah, yo! You guys are a bunch of suckers.
I mean, come on.
You really think that class is gonna change stuff? - Yeah.
- No, man.
We still gonna be bussin' tables and flippin' burgers when we get out of here.
- Fuck that.
- Yeah! I don't do food service.
Unless it's White Castle, you know, 'cause their burgers be so itty-bitty.
So, you gonna go? I don't know.
I hate celebrities.
They're all hoity-toity.
They have people watchin' 'em.
They got all those adopted kids, in general.
I did once get to see the real Lassie at the Dutchess County Sheep and Wool Festival.
- Like, the dog? - Yeah.
All right, inmates, forks down! First breakfast shift is now over.
I need you to clear out, so we can start the second shift.
Uh, but we didn't even get our food yet.
Yeah, when I get too skinny, my ass gets flat.
Them's the rules.
You wanna eat, get here earlier next time.
Did you hear me? Let's move! 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me! - 'Scuse me! - All right.
All right.
Hey, rub-a-dub-dub, you've been scrubbin' that same pan for 20 minutes.
So what? You a scrub expert now? You know what? Have at it.
This got anything to do with that meeting you had yesterday? Yeah, that's right.
I know about it.
I'm like Columbo, but with two real eyes and a better ass.
I'm being evicted.
You getting out? Not, like, this afternoon, but yeah, real soon.
How did you not know your date was coming up? It's early.
I guess I was good or some shit.
I don't know.
Holy shit.
Wow.
- Well, hey, congratulations.
- Yeah, no, not congratulations.
More like con-fuck-ulations or whatever the opposite of congratulations is.
Why? You get to go find your kids.
You get to fuck 'em up yourself instead of having someone do it for you.
Even I find them, I'm not gonna get 'em.
The state won't give them over unless I got an apartment.
So you work a little bit, you get an apartment.
Sure.
People love to hire ex-cons.
And in skills, I'll write, "Packed heroin real good," and "Fucked people who pack heroin.
" Why even try? I'm fucked.
Ay, okay.
Enough.
You gotta bust your ass now, mama.
Make some moves.
Work your contacts.
Work your relatives.
Work the system.
Get educated, if you have to.
Get your GED.
Do whatever you gotta do.
You got a goal now.
You can't shrivel up into a ball.
Mira, you gotta save your kids.
You're Puerto Rican.
You know somebody with an apartment.
You know somebody with a job.
Qué? You gonna roll over like a pendeja? Huh? - No! - No, that's right.
Mira, clean that fucking pan, 'cause I got a life, too, you know? You told Daya yet? No.
Con-fuck-ulations on that one.
No shit.
You, get off the fence.
I feel you creepin' over there.
For the record, I'm a pacifist.
Huh? Lookie here.
A secret fuck spot.
Well, not anymore.
Break it up.
Come on.
Let's go.
Keep movin'.
Man, when you see them all together like this, there are a lot of inmates.
I know.
Like, if they ever banded together, they could totally overpower us.
We're done.
At least we got the new guards.
They're, like, trained in combat.
Yeah but I'm kind of scared of the new guards.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, you think they'll give us leftovers? I don't know.
Maybe.
Ladies I'd like to welcome you to Food for Thought.
This is an exclusive opportunity.
People at Yale University couldn't take this class only you.
Judy King! Yes.
So I'm gonna turn it over to, uh, inmate King now.
Uh, all right, how about this? I want you to raise your hand if you've ever made sunchoke velouté.
Never heard of it.
How about cuttlefish ravioli? Never mind.
What about anything with foam? "Foam," did she say? Good.
Neither have I.
All right.
I don't make anything highfalutin.
I cook real food for real people to eat, and I don't do it alone.
I mean, any good chef will tell you that cookin' is a team sport.
So you're gonna learn some practical skills here that are gonna make you a better team player.
So, today, I'm gonna do a demonstration, but I'm hopin' that, in the future, we're gonna set up some work stations so everybody can get their hands dirty.
Yes, with the makeup.
Uh, Muccio.
Uh, I was just wonderin', do you think we'll do a casserole? Because I know that my Vinnie, he really likes the traditional-type stuff.
Well, no, darlin', we're not.
We're gonna have to do somethin' much simpler, since we don't have very much in the way of ingredients or knives, but it's a dish that I think some of you, in particular, are really gonna enjoy.
Cornbread! Yup.
See? You called it.
Racist.
But Filipino style.
- Yeah, I'm not sure about that.
- Mmm.
I got this recipe from a coconut farmer in Manila.
Now, I need a volunteer.
- Me! How about me? - Oh, yes, Ms.
Washington.
Come on.
Teacher's pet, man.
Now, I'm gonna need your help.
Oh, look, I meant to Look at that.
- What on earth does that say, I wonder? - Lait de coco.
- That's it, I knew you'd know it.
- It's coconut milk.
Now, the first step is easy.
Locate a shit-ton of butter.
All right? So, after that, I got my master's degree in social work from lona.
Hey, you're not hungry? No.
No, my teeth Oh, we'll get you something softer.
We'll get you some, uh, cottage cheese or deviled eggs or something like that.
- Sam - Yeah.
It's me.
It's your boy.
I've missed you, Mom.
Mom, I want you to know I'm not angry with you for disappearing.
I know that you reached out to me that night and I didn't listen.
I wasn't there for you.
But I'm I'm hopin' to change all that now.
Okay? What? Is that your name? Ellen? Ellen.
Ellen.
Yes, I'm Ellen.
Not Margaret? No I'm Ellen.
Okay, well you know what? We'll We'll have a nice meal together.
I'm not gonna send it back.
No, I gotta go.
I gotta go find my blanket.
No, no.
Stay.
Stay and talk to me.
Uh, I'm havin' a bad night.
From the looks of it, you're not in such a great place yourself.
No, I gotta go now! Stay with me.
Stay with me.
You think somebody else is gonna help you now? Huh? Huh? Doggett.
Hey.
Will you wait up? You avoiding me or somethin'? I just don't really like cookin'.
I was just curious, but I changed my mind.
Not just now, but, like, all the time.
No.
Just been busy workin' really hard.
Hey, you can talk to me.
What's goin' on? You got one of those seizures comin' or somethin'? - Are you doin' it with her? - What? Are you doin' it with that Spanish girl, that lil' pixie one that drives the van? What are you talkin' about? Ramos? She's not even my type.
- Why? You jealous? - No.
No, I'm not jealous.
- Why would you even ask me that? - 'Cause I just wanna make sure you're not rapin' her, is all.
You think I raped you? Yeah.
I mean, what else do you call that? But I love you.
I told you that.
And I said it when When I said it.
So? So, that makes it different.
But that didn't feel any different.
I've called this summit because all three of you need to communicate better.
You're operating out of fear, which is causing certain people to make bad decisions.
Oh, well, uh I'm sorry.
Who are you? - You know who I am! - No, I mean, who sent you? Relax.
I asked her for help.
She's here as a consultant.
And how do you know she is not bugged? She could be recordin' this whole thing.
She is Russian, for God's sake.
Lolly how can you assure your partners over here that you are not going to go digging for buried treasure again? 'Cause I don't have a shovel.
Good point.
Maybe we should strategize how to get her kicked off grounds' crew.
All right, could we just move on and just put this in the past? I can.
Then again I'm not our problem.
Oh Why is everybody lookin' at me? Because your little Tell-Tale Heart stunt freaked everybody out.
And now nobody here trusts you.
Fine.
I got two words for you guys.
Las Vegas.
- Oh, here we go.
- There is a bunker in Las Vegas filled with these dudes who work for the United States government, and they sit on these little video-game consoles and they they they fly drones over Afghanistan and Iraq.
You know that Okay, you know the drone that's been hoverin' over the the garden? That is just a camera drone, but if you listen really good, you could hear the second drone above that drone.
That is the Predator drone, and that is the drone that kills people! - From Las Vegas.
- Exactly! - See? She gets it.
- Barely.
I have it under very good information that that killer drone was sent by the United States government in response to our attack on one of their agents.
And since the Freedom of Information Act does not apply to privatized prisons they could just wipe us out! Boom, boom, boom, and nobody would ever even know.
But see, unless we shoot that drone down I guess we'd have to use a gun or somethin' like that and we'd have to probably steal it from a guard.
Or we sneak on to a computer and just leak the information to that dude, um, Julian Assage.
Assange if I could still find his e-mail.
All right, you guys keep talkin', and I'm gonna go out to the garden and check on that drone.
Frieda's right.
We have to kill her.
Group therapy is starting in five minutes.
Missed quite a show.
- Good.
- Big success.
Good.
Listen, uh, Ms.
King has asked me to remove you as her counselor.
What? That's ridiculous.
She says you make her uncomfortable and that you have power issues.
That's how women talk.
Well MCC is already up my ass about her.
I gotta comply.
She's an inmate, for Christ's sakes, Joe.
Yeah, for now.
But in half a year she'll be a rich celebrity again with the power and means to sue us for whatever the fuck she wants.
What about Food for Thought? Someone else will supervise the class.
Hey on the bright side, this class had the highest attendance out of any activity to date.
It was a hit.
You were right.
Good job.
Why you hiding in here? It's creepy.
It's quiet.
I like it.
That's nice.
If I spend time reading law books or reading up on foster care, maybe, instead of drawing these stupid pictures, I'd be prepared.
I'd maybe know how to get Armaria back.
Daya, look at me.
I'm getting out of here soon.
Soon? How soon? Real soon.
And I'm gonna get Christina and Eva and Lucy and Emiliano and your little Armaria back.
So stop all this moping shit.
Are you kidding me? Why would I mess with you like that? I don't know, 'cause you play some fucked-up head games sometimes? Why ain't you saying nothing? I'm gonna miss you.
And you're probably gonna fuck up my kid.
So, um yeah, we quit.
- Sorry.
- But, like, not really.
Let me guess.
You're working for Maria now.
She gave us free slipper socks.
She is paying you in slipper socks 'cause she can't pay you in actual money yet.
Flaca, what about your sick mother? Don't you wanna send her cash? Don't you go pretendin' like you actually care about me.
Soon, I'll be making twice as much cash with Maria, 'cause she's all about, like, upward mobility and la raza.
And you know what? She's just plain nicer.
- And slipper socks.
- You said that already.
I really like them.
Should I go over there and pull her hair or something? - I give a mean Indian burn.
- No, I got this.
You're jacking my girls now? You jacked my panties, I jack your girls.
You jacked my idea.
You are the original jacker.
Look, Maria this is getting out of hand.
I do not wanna start a war with you.
This isn't war.
It's business.
Have a nice day.
Hey! Hey! How you gonna identify me without this? Hmm? How you gonna do it? How you gonna kill me then? You're not gonna do it.
You're not gonna do it.
How do you think you're gonna identify me without this? Hmm? How you gonna do it? The fuck's happening here? I, um, I don't know.
But it is highly entertaining.
Homemade camouflage, bitches! How long has she been like this? Ten, fifteen minutes.
Yeah.
She was yelling about the NSA, um, and body parts.
The prisoner is having a psychotic break and you're standing here giggling like women.
Let's get her to Psych.
Now.
You stay here.
You can't see me! You can't shoot me! I'm invisible! - I'm invisible! - Lolly! Lolly, get up! - No! Don't shoot me! - Lolly, please get up.
Can't see me, can't see me, can't see me, can't see me.
On your feet.
Rose, you smell that? What is that? Smoke, girl! Guards! Sound the alarm! Get out of here! Get everybody out! Come on! Now! Let's go! Let's go! Tell Caputo to go fuck himself.
I'm just gettin' started.
Jesus Christ.
No! No! They're gonna electrocute me! Hey, what the hell's goin' on here? We got a live one.
Takin' her to Psych.
This woman needs a certified counselor.
Come here.
Come on.
Come.
We'll have a talk in my office.
Okay? Show's over.
People are trying to kill me.
Who? The NSA, the military, whoever's operating that drone that's hidin' in the clouds above the garden.
Why is the NSA or the military interested in our garden? 'Cause I I killed a guy and chopped him up and buried him in there.
- You killed a guy? - Yep.
He was a hit man.
He worked for an international drug cartel that was backed by the United States, probably the CIA.
Oh, it could've been FEMA.
They've been targeting me for a long time.
Have you ever heard of, uh, of Rex 84? No, of course you haven't heard of it.
It's classified.
Do you sometimes see or hear things that aren't there? Sure, I hear voices.
Like angels? That sorta thing? Not angels.
I told you.
Voices, I hear voices.
I think you might be suffering from delusions.
I am not.
I hear that all the time.
"Lolly, you're crazy.
" "Lolly, you got conspiracy -theory-itis.
" That is not it! This is different this time.
This is real.
What if these voices that you're hearing are manipulating you? Trying to convince you that they're real? That you did a bad thing, when in reality, you didn't do anything? Why would they do that? You tell me.
Um Ooh, to frame me.
Ooh, to, um They could do research on me.
As a counselor I know everything that goes on here.
So, if someone anyone was killed here on campus I'd know about it.
So, you're saying I didn't kill anybody? No I don't believe you did.
Lucky for you, I got a lot of experience dealing with this kinda thing.
Let's get a treatment plan goin' for you, Whitehill.
Get those voices of yours under control.
You don't have to worry.
I'm gonna help you.
What the fuck did you say in there? Okay, okay, okay, wait.
Hold up.
Hold up.
I gotta apologize.
See, I was under the impression that I we, killed some dude.
No, my bad.
My bad.
My bad.
Turns out Rex 84 was manipulating my brain to make me think that.
Or maybe that Aydin guy was really, like, a hologram? Also, great counseling here.
I am continually impressed.