Parks and Recreation s04e04 Episode Script

Gentlemen.
Wildeness weekend is upon us.
There will be no video games.
There will be no Internet pads.
This weekend you have two parents: Me and Mother Nature.
And I am Mother Nature's brother: Brother nature.
But you can call me Andy.
Or brother nature.
Your call.
- Thank you, Andy.
- Brother nature.
For the last three years I have served as troop leader of the Pawnee Rangers.
This is our handbook.
I wrote the whole thing myself.
Okay, it's time to give out the badges.
Um, let's see.
Emily, you get the badge for most community service.
[Applause.]
To Casey, the best penguin blog badge.
[Applause.]
To Abigail, flyest hairstyle.
And Ann gets the badge for second-flyest hairstyle.
Oh! I wasn't competing for that.
I'll say.
Five years ago, a plucky fifth-grader wanted to join the Pawnee Rangers, but their executive council said what obnoxious jerks always say.
"No.
This is males-only.
Go start your own club.
" She couldn't.
So I did.
We're called the Pawnee Goddesses, and we're freakin' awesome.
Hey, Ron, whose club do you think is better, yours or mine? The answer is mine.
Say mine is better.
It's not a competition.
Oh, but it is.
Your club made it a competition when they kept girls out.
[As a Southern belle.]
Oh, my stars.
I'm just a little lady.
My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors.
I have no problem with strong women, Leslie.
Who's Leslie? My name is Annabelle Vandergraf, and, y'all, I just fall to pieces when the sun shines on my hair--ed.
However, the Pawnee Rangers were founded because some boys want to go out into nature and learn traditional survival skills without being distracted by girls.
Well, my awesome goddesses don't want to be distracted by losers.
Say my club is better, Ron.
Say it.
My club is better.
Say it.
Come on.
Say it's better.
Say it.
Say it's better.
Say my club is better.
Say it.
Give it up.
Whose club is better? Mine.
Say it.
You know it.
Say it.
On principal, I never say anything that another person is obviously trying to get me to say.
My first wedding ceremony took two hours, because after the priest said "Repeat after me" I fell silent.
[Triumphant music.]
I've been auditing the budget, and I noticed you're way behind on your paperwork.
Uh, Jerry, you haven't filled out a PC-10 form in two and a half years.
Aw, jeez, I'm sorry.
Yeah, we kinda do our paperwork at our own speed.
Oh, really? Well, I kinda need you to do it at my speed.
Fine, I'll do them.
What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones? Nothing is wrong, just do your job.
And they would never cancel Game of Thrones.
It's a crossover hit.
It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts.
They're telling human stories in a fantasy world.
Fill out the forms, please.
Thank you.
I used to have one really good reason for staying in Pawnee.
But now, I'm not sure what's keeping me here.
Although, I am just two sandwiches away from a free meatball sub.
This is expired.
[Girls squealing.]
Rangers, as a reward for coming on this trip, I have gotten you each two gifts.
Go ahead.
Open 'em.
What is this? That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man.
It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make "art.
" What's the second gift? The second gift is the box itself.
You have 10 minutes to assemble a shelter using only your two gifts.
Go.
Ladies! The goddess cabin has never looked better.
This year's cabin refurbishment badge is going to be hotly contested.
Okay, so what did everybody make for their loosely structured craft time? Lauren? I made a "Gertrude Stein.
" [Applause.]
Amazing.
Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't want to follow that.
Ann? Oh, boy.
Um I was making some cornhusk dolls for everyone but they kinda turned out wrong so they look like monsters.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna put that over there.
In the fire.
Well, Ann's keeping us warm.
And that's important.
April? [Strums ukulele.]
What was your craft? .
I drew something on my arm.
It's a pioneer girl watching her grandmother get trampled by a buffalo.
[All ooh and aww.]
Yeah.
This right here's all the blood coming out her face.
[Rap music.]
DJ Bluntz is in the building, here to announce that Tom Haverford is in the building.
Oh! 1-2, 1-2! Donatella.
T-mobile.
Three words for you: Treat.
Yo.
Self.
Both: Treat yourself 2011.
Once a year, Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves.
What do we treat ourselves to? - Clothes.
- Treat yourself.
- Fragrances.
- Treat yourself.
- Massages.
- Treat yourself.
- Mimosas.
- Treat yourself.
- Fine leather goods.
- Treat yourself! It's the best day of the year.
Both: The best day of the year .
I got a question.
Mm-hmm? What do you think about inviting Ben to come along with us today? What? Noo! This is our thing.
But he really seems like he could use a day off.
He's like a skinny little rubber band that's about to snap in half.
Exactly.
He doesn't know how to relax.
Donna, you and I are relaxation professionals.
There's no way Ben can slow down enough to keep up with us.
My Nubian princess, this is our holy day.
It's the one day a year I allow myself to be selfish.
Ooh, cupcakes.
Those are all for me, Jerry.
This homemade bulgogi is so delicious, Kayla.
This is the best Korean food I've ever had.
I would say it's almost as good as lukewarm beans from a can.
Right, Ron? I'm trying to teach my boys about rationing food, and your self-indulgent ethnic food court isn't helping.
Goddesses, let's go over our schedule for this afternoon.
We have hiking, and then capture the flag, and then a puppet show about the Bill of Rights set to "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus, and then we have lasso training, and a s'mores-off.
[Cheering.]
So what's on our schedule, Mr.
Swanson? We have one activity planned: Not getting killed.
Jerry.
Oh, everybody must be at Rangers weekend.
You know, I actually was a ranger for 12 years-- That's wonderful.
Maybe you should take the day off.
You know, rest is very important.
Did you know that lab rats who are deprived of rest grow tumors all over their bodies? You should Google it.
It's horrifying.
Uh, thank you.
Yes.
You know, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go have lunch with my daughter! You know, Chris, if you wanted, you know, you should join us for lunch.
My daughter, she's really sweet.
I would love to, Jerry, but I'm afraid that I am busy.
I have got to run.
Google those rat tumors! Both: Treat yourself 2011 Oh, lord.
Is he eating soup? On a bench? Alone? Tom.
[Sighs.]
Fine.
Come on, rubber band.
Come with us.
What? What are you-- No arguing.
And no soup in the Benz.
- Get in.
- Wha? What? What is happening right now? [Girls screaming.]
[Ukulele.]
Great pillow fight, girls.
That was one of our best ones yet.
Okay.
Now it's time for awards.
Lulu gets the golden pillow.
And the silver pillow goes to Janie.
[Knock at door.]
Ooh! Yes, what is it? Ms.
Knope, I don't like the Rangers anymore.
I want to become a Pawnee Goddess.
I did it! My club is officially the best club.
I would give myself a merit badge that says "Best Club Founder," but I don't have one, so I'm going to give myself "Prettiest eyes" as a placeholder.
I secretly always wanted this badge, so it works out great.
You were defecting? I like you, Mr.
Swanson, it's just All we do is sit in silence and eat beans.
Those beans were a reward.
Well, see, the thing is this club is for girls only.
Maybe you should start your own club, for boys.
Get back to your canvas box.
We'll discuss this no further.
And I'll thank you to keep the ruckus down so my boys can focus on solitude.
- I'm sorry, Darren.
- Let's go.
So, treat yourself day is just a day where you go to the spa and then the mall? [Sighs.]
I knew you wouldn't get it.
Well, I'm a relaxation novice.
Give me some guidance.
Listen to me, Ben-to box, the point of this is to pamper yourself.
Just relaaax, man.
I can't.
Something about the sound of harps that makes me nervous.
Oh, my God! - Hi, Donna.
- Hey.
Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture.
It's great for your back, and your rear.
Needles in your face, pleasure in your base.
- [Laughing.]
I know.
- That's my boss.
[Clears throat.]
Hey, Chris.
Uh, I would like you to meet my daughter, Millicent.
Wow.
Jerry, great job.
I'm your dad's boss.
And his much-younger friend.
Pleasure to meet you.
Isn't she beautiful? I say she looks like my wife, Gayle, and Gayle agrees.
[Laughs.]
So, anyway, we were gonna go to lunch, so-- I retroactively accept your original offer.
Let's go! Ladies, I just wanted to thank you for not cheering when I sent Darren away.
Ms.
Knope, wasn't Darren just asking for the same equality that you and the goddesses wanted five years ago? In a sense, but it's a little bit more complicated than-- Wasn't your answer the very same thing that the ranger council said to you? "Stick to your own kind"? Who wants homemade peanut brittle? Ms.
Perkins, please, we're in the middle of a debate.
Sorry.
Come on, goddesses.
We just struck a huge blow for equality by proving that we were better than them.
I disagree.
What about a public forum? You always say that there's no better solution for a hot-button issue than a good ol'-fashioned public forum.
[Low.]
Great idea, Lauren.
What was that? I said, "great idea, Lauren.
" I've taught them too well.
I've created a mob of little Leslie Knope monsters.
I'm so proud.
And a little annoyed.
But mostly proud.
Just relax and don't move.
Okay.
Ah This is the most stressed-out I've ever been in my life.
Ben, listen.
I'm gonna talk to you about things you like to take your mind off the needles, okay? [Grunts.]
Accounting.
Trigonometry.
Stamps, probably.
More of a rare coins guy.
Help me.
Help me! There is nothing that I like more than running for charity.
You know, last summer I did a 50-mile bike ride - for the red cross.
- Yes, she did.
Millicent Gergich, biking for charity is literally one of my interests on Facebook.
[All laugh.]
I can't believe how alike we are.
I know, it's like we're literally the same person.
[Laughs.]
We are having a moment.
Attention, everyone.
Welcome to wonder weekend's first-ever public forum.
Our topic today? Should the amazing goddesses take pity on the once-powerful Pawnee Rangers, and let them into our clearly superior organization? Ron, your opening statement.
This forum, like all public forums, is a waste of time.
Thank you.
Powerful stuff.
Okay.
Let's open up the floor to debate.
Who-- yes, Abigail.
Isn't it like Brown vs.
The Board of Education? Separate but equal is never really equal.
We should let the boys in.
Mmm, interesting.
Casey? I disagree.
I think there's a benefit to educating the genders separately.
I see where you're coming from.
Let's hear from a ranger.
Anyone? Darren? It's cold and dirty out here.
And you guys have candy.
I want the candy.
The goddesses are making some well-informed statements, but the most compelling point is from Darren, about the candy.
We have amazing candy in there.
Welcome to Nirvana, the Plaza at Eagleton.
There's a reflecting pool out back, there's an old-timey train that runs through the mall, and three Burberrys.
If you tell your friend, "hey, meet me at Burberry," they gotta specify which one.
Let's hit it.
I really want this dress, and I like this crystal beetle, but it's expensive and there's no use for it.
Donna Meagle? Treat yourself.
Velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle.
I'm a cashmere-velvet candy cane.
Treat yourself.
I mean, this is insane.
Jerry, a word? Of course.
I had an amazing lunch.
I've already passed the kale salad I had.
But, even better? Your daughter was delightful company.
Now, I don't want to put you in an awkward position, but-- You would like to date my daughter.
Yes! But you are her father.
And that is a sacred thing.
I would like to spend the next 2 to 4 days with you so you can get to know me better, to find out if I'm the kind of person who's good enough for your daughter.
Then, you can come with us on our first 3 to 6 dates-- Chris, I appreciate the gesture, it's very nice, but, Milly, she's a grown woman, and of course I trust her.
And I trust you.
Jerry.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Boys, I'm trying to teach you something about nature and self-reliance.
Nothing beats hard work and determination.
Is this the Pawnee goddesses? I've got the puppies you ordered.
Oh! The puppies for the puppy party that we're having in our cabin? Those puppies? What? Noo! [Laughing and fawning.]
Man, did you buy anything for yourself today? Yeah, I got this pack of socks.
Plain white socks? That's not a treat! Donna! Get me away from him.
Look.
Maybe this is our version of treat yourself day and he needs to do his version.
What are you talking about? Wyatt, if you could blow big money on one thing-- not sock money-- what would it be? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This is a whole new level of nerd.
You're right.
This is ridiculous.
What am I doing? Wait.
No, no, no, no.
I mean that in a good way, Ben.
Listen to me, you're part of the treat yourself team now, okay? If that costume somehow makes you happy, you're gonna buy it.
And you're gonna wear it out of the store, okay? You're gonna treat yourself.
Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna treat myself.
Thanks, you guys.
[Crying.]
Thank you.
I really needed this.
[Sobbing.]
I'm gonna treat myself.
Uh-oh.
Batman's crying.
I am a goddess.
A glorious female warrior.
All: I am a goddess.
A glorious female warrior.
Queen of all that I survey.
All: Queen of all that I survey.
Enemies of fairness and equality, hear my womanly roar.
All: Enemies of fairness and equality, hear my womanly roar.
[Screams.]
[All scream.]
Congratulations, you are now goddesses.
Oh, my God! [Applause and cheers.]
Now, have yourselves a puppy party.
[Puppies barking.]
Oh, boy.
Hey.
Can I sit down? Look, I didn't mean for this to happen.
I have a lot of respect for the Pawnee Rangers, even if they were jerks five years ago.
You're not a jerk.
You're a good troop leader.
Not for these times I'm not.
It's taken me a while to see this, but these kids I don't understand 'em.
And they certainly don't understand me.
That's not true.
No, it is.
And it's okay.
People change.
Their interests change.
It's the way of the world.
When did kids get so interested in fun? Ah I'm gonna turn in.
You were right, by the way.
Your group is better.
What's wrong? Out with it.
I was seeing a woman, uh, for a while, and then we stopped seeing each other.
Uh, pretty recently.
That's why you've been off your game.
Sorry, dog.
You're a catch, Wyatt.
You're gonna be okay.
There's chickenheads everywhere, Ben.
Chickenheads all around this mall.
You're gonna find one, and you're gonna be great.
But, for now, why don't you let it out? Treat yourself to a good cry.
One question, though.
Yeah? Why so serious? Wait, I got something.
Oh! Cool! Awesome! Nice! Thanks, D-money.
What kind of bait did you use? I bought this mackerel at the supermarket.
I've been standing in the water with the fish on my hook for 30 minutes.
I saw it on an episode I Love Lucy.
Pathetic? Maybe.
But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super into me.
That came out wrong.
Ron! Come fish with us! That's okay.
Seems like you have things under control.
Come on! Come do that thing where you catch one with your hands! I've seen him do it, it's incredible.
Ron, come on! We need you to help us have fun! First annual Leslie Knope remote control speedboat race! [Cheering.]
See ya Monday.
Jerry.
Where did you come from? Listen, as I said earlier, I want keep everything above board in regards to my relationship with your daughter.
And, as you know, Millicent and I went out last night.
And it went terrific.
Chris, that's great, but you really don't have to do this.
Again, the date was amazing, we had sparkling conversation, and, full disclosure, she did spend the night at my house.
Have a great day, Jerry.
What are you doing here? We're here for the club.
That was last week.
The ad says today.
Ad? "Are you tough as nails? " Would you rather sleep on a bed of pine needles "than a mattress? "Do you find video games pointless "and shopping malls stupid? "Do you march to the beat of your own drummer? "Did you make the drum yourself? "If so, you might just have what it takes to be "a Swanson.
"Pawnee's most hardcore outdoor club starts today.
Boys and girls welcome.
" Swansons! Are you prepared for whatever lies ahead? All: Yes, sir.
Before we proceed, do any of have any dietary restrictions? Correct, you do not.
First outing is right now.
I will be teaching you to dig a proper trench.
Does that sound like something you want to do? All: Yes, sir.
This will be no fun at all.
The Town of Pawnee invites you to stay tuned for more Parks & Rec.
And to try our delicious local corn.
[Sighs.]
The Internet's not working.
Ben! We need your help.
Guys, I've told you how to do it.
You just unplug the router and then you plug it back in again.
Guess I'll do it.
Still not working.
Well, give it a minute.
God.
[Sighs.]
Okay, it's working.