Plebs (2013) s04e04 Episode Script

1 So did you hear our great leader this week? Yeah, the people's champion, he's calling himself now.
And what's the first thing he decides to do? Oh, that's right.
Commission a giant a statue of himself riding a golden horse.
Because that's what the people have been asking for! It's like he can read our minds.
That is excellent.
Is it? It's just talking.
It's far more than just talking, Grumio.
- This is great satire.
- And let's face it, who needs food or affordable housing when there's a giant man on a horse to look at? What do you reckon? Yeah, I would.
No, I'm asking if you think she's any good, - you bloody cave man.
- Oh, I don't know.
I've not been listening.
I'm not a big fan of horse racing, but at least those ones move.
Sod this, there's a guy round the corner who can bend his knob into funny shapes.
Off you go, then.
Sounds about your level.
- Er I think that might be my level too, actually.
- What? Yeah! When in Rome Do as the Romans do Far from home All I got is you Thank you so much for coming.
Glad you enjoyed it.
- Bye-bye.
- Hey, Minerva.
That was amazing.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Thank you for coming.
Can I ask, would you consider playing a more intimate venue? Oh, it's not your bedroom, is it, you bloody pervert? No, not that intimate.
It's the Crown & Toga on the Aventine.
Oh, yeah.
Would there be free booze involved perchance? Absolutely, and potentially even some nuts.
- Ooh! - I'm Marcus, the owner.
Well, Marcus, the owner, maybe I'll come by and check it out.
Yes! I love it, a cabaret night.
We should put a line-up together.
Who said anything about a cabaret night? - It's just Minerva.
- No.
That'll look budget with just one act.
- We want variety.
- We should get the dick guy.
He were proper talented.
He made his cock and balls look exactly like a beef burger.
I had to look away.
It were making me peckish.
Right, well, I'm vetoing that immediately, but if we are having other acts they gotta be classy.
If you want musical interludes, I'd be happy to oblige.
Don't know if I've mentioned I'm a concert-level lutist.
Yes, you mention it at least three times an hour.
Uh-oh.
We're forming a house band.
You on the lute, me on the flute.
Flute? You're a flautist, are you? Big time.
I mean, I'm not concert-level exactly, but back in junior school I used to shred that thing.
I was like, "Bah-ba, bah-ba, bah," all day long.
Hm.
I think I'd rather play solo.
You can do it somewhere else, then.
If you wanna play the main stage at the Crown & Toga, you need management say-so.
- He has my say-so.
- Ah.
I say we do the band idea.
So, Grumio, it's down to you.
Solo lute bullshit - or mega-awesome house band? - I'm not bothered.
OK, well, what if I said you could also be in the band? - Yeah, go on, then.
- Sweet.
Motion passed.
House band.
Fine, but I want complete artistic control.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna dig out my flute.
Blow out some banging tunes.
Well, just man the door, provide a bit of security, that kind of thing.
What, you expecting a feisty crowd, then? Any crowd will be a novelty, really.
Tell you what, I can drag any troublemakers up on stage, slap 'em about a bit.
That could be funny or sad depending on what you're into.
Very kind, but I think we'll stick with music and satire.
Suit yourself.
Wow, you didn't tell me it was a toilet.
Sorry, I didn't want to put you off.
No, it's fine.
What better inspiration for the state of Roman politics? Ha! Exactly! And if people want to piss themselves laughing, we're covered, so Let me test the acoustics.
Hello, ladies and gents, are you shitting comfortably? So what do you reckon? I mean, it's quite toilet-y.
But then the owner's cute and he's giving me free drinks, so fuck it, let's go for it.
Yes.
- Your turn.
- OK.
Sorry, is that How Happy Is The Shepherd? Yeah, good spot.
I'm a bit rusty.
- That's a kiddies' song! - Yeah, I know.
I got a gold star for playing it.
Well, what else can you play? No, that's that's it.
But in a band everyone brings something different.
You bring the music, I could bring the swagger.
Oh, yeah, so what do I bring? I don't know.
You can bring the drinks.
Piss off! You wouldn't have this band if it weren't for me.
- Give me something proper.
- All right, fine.
I guess any old mug can play the drums.
Yeah, cool.
I'll bang some pots and pans together, then.
- Urgh! - No.
No.
No, no, stop it.
That's Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop.
That's a bit horrid.
Let's look for something less intrusive, I think.
Erm Oh, yeah.
Give them a little shake, maybe.
A jar of beans? Are you kidding me? Look like a right pillock up on stage shaking a jar of beans.
It's fine.
No-one's even gonna notice you.
They'll be looking at the front man.
Woah! The lute guy should be the front man.
The hot guy should be the front man.
And you'll want first dibs on the groupies? - Front man's prerogative.
- You're not front man! - Top up? - Is the pontifex a pagan? - Oh, no! - Ah! Bum jug.
- Every time this happens.
- Bonkers, isn't it? We're one of the most advanced civilisations in history.
We can invent the aqueduct and conquer half the world, yet we cannot make a jug that pours properly.
- What's with that? - Brilliant.
- How do you do that? - What? Just sort of satirise everything.
I don't know.
I guess I just observe stuff and then give it a spin.
Go on, then.
Do another one.
OK.
Erm Have you ever noticed that when two people fancy each other and are scared to 'fess up they get pissed and make a joke out of it? Huh.
Yeah, I have, actually.
That is classic satire.
It was incredible.
We ended up having sex four times.
Yes, brother! You're a machine.
Four times might be my record for an entire year, let alone one evening.
Mate, I'm gonna be breaking some sexual records of my own - when Cerberus get on stage.
- Hang on? Cerberus? Since when is the band called that? So me and Aurelius came up with it yesterday, cos Cerberus is this three-headed dog that guards the underworld, and there's three of us, so Oh, are there? Don't feel like it.
All right.
What do you want to call the band, grumpy pants? I've always like the word "Gonad".
OK.
Do you know what it means? It's like a fruit or something.
It's like a shit name for a band.
Look, you might not like it now, but one day in the future, you'll be able to tell your grandkids that Grandpa Grumie was in the original line-up of Cerberus, and it's gonna blow their tiny minds.
Check.
Check.
Check, one, two.
No, one at a time.
I haven't finished.
Gloria! Hey.
Thanks for coming down.
I heard Minerva was on, so I thought I'd brave the smell.
- I'm a bit of a fan.
- Me too, as it happens.
We've just started dating, so I sort of have to be, really.
- You're dating Minerva? - Mm.
Wow.
I have to say I've lost a teeny bit of respect for her, but I've gained a bit for you.
OK, I'll take that.
Salve, and welcome to the Crown & Toga's first cabaret night.
- Whoo! Welcome - We are your house band, Cerberus, the three-headed dog.
Guardian of the gates of h - Woof.
- Joining me on stage - is Aurelius on the lute.
- I can introduce myself.
And Grumio on beans.
And puffing out that sweet, sweet music on the flute .
.
is old sugar lips himself your very own Jason.
- Three, four.
- Ooh.
Ah, these bozos are well nerdy, ain't they? - I've had angrier verrucas.
- Yeah.
I don't think Minerva's satire crowd are that fighty.
Sorry, what? Minerva? Did no-one tell you women ain't funny? That is not true and very sexist.
I suppose if she bombs she can always take her kit off.
And that's even worse.
I wouldn't object, though, cos she is quite fit.
- Do you reckon? - Mm-hm.
Cos we've just started seeing each other.
Ah, nice one.
Cheers, man.
Aaagh! We give you Minerva! Hi! Hello.
Ha-ha! So if it's OK with you, I'd like to start off by talking about relationships, because I have actually just started a new one.
- Ooh, yep, thank you.
- Oooh! Do you know what? We're still at that stage where we're trying to make a good impression on each other.
You know how it is: wearing your best loin cloth, only getting naked when the lights are dimmed, brushing your teeth, you know the score.
And having loads of sex.
Loads of sex! Because, like, last night we had sex four times.
Four times Because men think more is better, right? I would have been happy with one time.
One good one! One full meal rather than four little bowls of nibbles.
Cos I'm quite lazy.
I would have liked to have gone to sleep after the first time, instead of having some guy pounding away on top of me, like he's trying to dig a well.
I think he thinks if I have a sore vagina in the morning then he can't possibly have a small penis.
Well, I've had the same feeling after a yeast infection, and that was invisible, so you know.
I take it back: women ARE funny.
On the plus side, the cabaret night was a hit, right? Oh, yeah, a massive hit.
The number of people paying to laugh at my shortcomings was huge.
We made more last night than the rest of the month combined.
- So we should do it again.
- I don't know.
I don't think my ego could take it.
Have a chat with Minerva and ask her to leave you alone.
Go back to digging out the Emperor or whatever she does.
Maybe she can pick on HIS penis.
Cerberus need another crack at this.
Last night was a shit show.
Well, it might help if you all played the same song.
I'm not talking about the music.
I didn't get to dust a single groupie.
Of course, I forgot what our house band was there for.
It must be the costumes.
I'll call a band meeting and thrash this out.
- Morning.
- Grumio, band meeting.
Sure, after me and Pris have had our brekkie.
- You and - Priscilla.
Everyone calls me Pris.
Were you at the gig? Oh, yeah, best night of my life.
You do realise I'm the front man? Urgh! We need to do more to connect with our audience during and, crucially, after the gig.
- Completely.
- Couldn't agree more.
So if anyone has any ideas.
- Maybe if you hadn't - Yeah, I've got a few.
Sorry, who is this, please? Her name's Priscilla and she's Grumio's girlfriend, is it? We prefer not to put a label on it.
Yeah.
I'm somewhere between a muse and a manager.
Right, and does the bean shaker definitely need one of them? He does actually, yeah.
Even so, I don't know if she needs to be at the meeting.
Where I go, she goes.
That's the deal.
You wanna listen to her cos she knows her shit.
Does she now? And what instrument does she play? I play THIS instrument, yeah? My gut.
And it's telling me your potential is going to waste.
You could be so much better, cooler, sexier, - I promise.
- She's right, boys.
- We really could.
- All right, fine.
She can stay if she makes us sexy.
Oh, God, they're building another temple to Jupiter.
Do you think even Jupiter's, like, "Come on, give it a rest.
It's starting to look a bit needy"? That's funny.
You're funny.
- Last night was funny.
- Yeah, did you enjoy yourself? Loved it, yeah.
I mean, the stuff about me was a bit of a surprise.
I wondered whether you'd bring that up.
And, you know, a wee bit personal.
You know, it wasn't really about you.
Wasn't it? Is there someone else you've started seeing? No, it was just like a comic exaggeration.
That's how satire works.
I observe something and then I give it a spin.
In that case, couldn't you have spun me a large penis? No! Cos that wouldn't have been funny.
And I get that, but next time I'd prefer it if you observed something else.
Oh! Are you censoring me now? Like, some big woman-hating patriarch.
What, you wanna cut out my tongue and use me for breeding purposes, is that it? - No, I don't want that.
- I can stop gigging at your bar - if you're uncomfortable.
- No, I am.
I'm comfortable.
- Sorry, I'm being an idiot.
- Yes, you are.
Come on.
This does not feel sexier.
I think it's a huge improvement.
You're a decent lutist, but there's something about you that's a bit nauseating.
- Maybe it's the beard.
- I can shave the beard.
- But it could be the face.
- So I'll grow more beard.
Just keep facing the wall, I reckon.
And let's shuffle Grumio further forward.
Don't mind if I do.
Well, hang on.
No, he can't go ahead of me.
- I'm the front man.
- No, you're not.
You're just a vain sleaze using a stage to pick up girls.
- And? - Grumio's the only one offering something original here.
He's the one with star quality.
- And star quantity.
- He's kind of carrying you two.
Yeah, and it's exhausting, so with that in mind, we want to change the name of the band.
- Oh, to what? Gonad? - No, Grumio and the Gonads.
- No way.
I'm not standing for that.
- I think it's genius.
We're not your Gonads.
If you don't like it, he can always go solo.
What, jiggling beans and bopping about? Good luck with that.
- I guess that's your answer.
- Come on, then, Pris.
You and me are gonna conquer the world.
Right, I'm gonna stop facing the wall now.
- What's wrong? - Sorry, I'm just a bit tense.
So, relax, then.
Just a little bit worried that my performance here might make its way into your performance later.
Oh, Marcus, don't be paranoid.
I mean, it's not that paranoid, is it? - There is a precedent.
- Oh, shush.
Maybe let's get some lunch.
I really fancy some lunch.
You're not nauseating, you know.
Thanks, man, and you're not a vain sleaze.
- She was a meanie, wasn't she? - A massive meanie.
Hey, you know what would teach her a lesson? If we reformed the band as a mega-successful folk duo.
Yeah.
That'd learn her.
The lute and the flute in perfect harmony.
We can't be called Cerberus, though.
- There's only two of us.
- OK, so how about Gemini? - The twins! - Love it! Non-identical, obvs.
Yeah, and this time neither of us will be the front man.
Or we can BOTH be the front men.
- How do we divide the groupies? - I don't know, let THEM decide.
Yeah, very modern.
Oh, this is epic! We're gonna go on such a journey together.
Here Oh, whoa! What was that? What the fuck are you doing? We're bro-ing down.
Now you do the same and we mix it together.
No, that's insane.
Why didn't you run it by me? I don't know.
I got carried away.
Aargh! Oh, shit, that stings! Argh! I think I got some lime in it! - Aargh! - What happened to him? Don't worry about him.
He's just a tortured artist.
- How did it go with Minerva? - Not brilliant.
She accused me of hating women and I couldn't get an erection.
- Cos you hate women? - No, because I hate being - the object of satire.
- Oh, yeah.
We're still doing the cabaret night, though? Yes, obviously.
In a fight between money and self-respect, it appears that money always wins.
But depending how it goes down, I might need a little favour from Cerberus.
Yeah, sure, whatever you need.
We're actually called Gemini now.
Shake it, shake it up now I'm the shaky, shaky man with my shaky, shaky can - Shake it real good - Huge news, Grumio.
I've got you your first solo gig.
Magic.
What, at the Arena? Not quite, no.
So it's actually a birthday party.
- My dad's 50th.
- Oh, right, sweet.
I know it sounds a bit lamo, but some of his pals are, like, super well-connected, so this could be your big break.
Let me know if there's anything you'll need, like food, drinks, costumes, props, anything.
Well, I suppose I could do with some drumsticks.
OK, yeah.
So, wood or metal? Chicken ones and turkey ones.
And apples -- red, not green.
And grapes -- green, not red.
- And you should jot this down.
- Yeah, right.
Yeah? And what? Rrrrrrah! What was that about? Trying to get a rise out of them.
I am not paying you to get a rise out of them.
You're supposed to be security.
You need more security in a graveyard.
I could be at the bar getting shit-faced.
Be my guest, but in that case, I'm not paying you at all.
Security is cancelled.
OK? Oh my Sorry.
Hey, hey, hey.
You look gorgeous.
Well, stop it, go on.
Yeah, I got some new sandals.
Why can't Roman shoes cover the whole foot? It's like they've run out of material for bits in-between.
That is You certainly haven't run out of material.
Ha-ha.
You should put that in your set.
- I don't really have room.
- So make room.
You could do a whole routine about sandals or tunics and er belts.
- What about them? - Well, you know, just taking them down, finally.
Bloody belts.
I mean, I could do something about like how if you tie your belt in a bow then it looks like you've been gift wrapped.
Yes! Ha! That is It's a bit surreal, but hilarious.
OK, well, the preview went well, so maybe I can build on it.
Thanks, bae.
Oh, you're so cute.
Knock 'em dead.
Hello and - .
.
welcome - .
.
to - .
.
cabaret - .
.
night.
- We - .
.
are - .
.
your - .
.
house .
.
band.
Gemini.
What are you doing? Jason! - Oh, hi, Marcus.
- Oh, hi, you're back again.
Of course, where else can I get top-notch satire and gossip about my neighbours at the same time? Oh! Oh, no, that wasn't about me.
Oh, so are you not dating Minerva, then? No, I am.
That bit was true.
But, yeah, the other stuff was just jokes.
It's all invented.
She's so inventive.
Right.
Yeah.
Well, I look forward to seeing what she invents tonight.
Well, me too.
No! Aagh! You're not the front man.
Thank you.
My name is Jason and I am Gemini.
And now get ready to whoop it up for the marvellous .
.
Minerva! That was not the deal, bud.
At all.
Hello, the Crown & Toga.
Great to be back, yes.
Wow, so you seem like a good crowd.
Perky, up for it, ready for action.
Pretty much the opposite of my boyfriend's penis.
I get it.
Sometimes a penis just won't behave, but what I don't get is why that means everything has to grind to a halt for both of us.
Yeah, I know.
It's like when a child gets knocked out of a game and it takes up the ball and goes, "Well, if I'm not playing, then nobody is.
" Sorry, what's happening? Wait.
Am I being censored here? Is that's what happening? Oh, OK, so this is fun.
Over there, ladies and gentlemen, that's Mr Droopy Dick.
And he wanted me to come on stage and talk about fucking sandals.
This is the patriarchy trying to shut me up.
No, no, no, this is not the patriarchy, OK? It's a guy who'd prefer his privates were kept private.
Oh, it's satire, Marcus, deal with it.
Oh, it is satire, is it? OK.
Let's see if you can deal with some satire of your own.
Give it a go.
Have you ever noticed when you're going out with a girl and she's got one or two wonky teeth? - Oh, no.
- And a weird mole on her back.
- It's a bit niche, Marcus.
- OK.
What about when your girlfriend's got a big bush? I mean, anything would seem big in comparison to the size of your penis.
Thank you.
I've been Minerva, but, please give it up for Marcus.
Chauvinist pig! Topple the patriarchy.
- Oh, come on, she started it.
- Get off! - Tosser! - Oh! - Security, Davus, do something.
- I'm not on security.
- You fired me.
- Can I rehire you? - Immediately? - It'll cost you double.
- Yes, fine.
- Aaargh! OK, you can be the front man.
Aaargh! Aargh! Shaky, I'm the shaky man I shake it at your brother and I shake it at your gran I shake it over here and I shake over there And if you're not careful I'll shake it in your hair I'm the shaky man Yes! Right, who wants to see me turn my knob into a beef burger? I came, I saw, I conquered I came, I saw, I conquered I came, I saw, I conquered Can I conquer you? Gotta believe I came, I saw, I conquered I came, I saw, I conquered I came, I saw, I conquered Can I conquer you?