Portlandia (2011) s04e04 Episode Script

Hey, yuppies.
Yuppies! What happened? Oh, my God.
You're awake.
You were in a coma since 1986.
Yuppies.
Yuppies.
Yuppies.
Yuppies.
Yuppies.
Yuppies.
We're foodies.
Absolutely.
Yuppies.
Hello.
Look at you.
Yuppies.
No, we're yogis.
Yogis.
Yuppies! Yuppies! It's a corgi.
How big is this yuppie part of town.
Town? Town? - I mean-- - The whole world's like this.
Oh.
Ah.
What happened? How could people let this happen? Look, look.
We're drumming.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
What up? Come on.
No more yuppies.
Die, yuppy scum.
No more yuppies.
- Die yuppy scum.
- No more yuppies.
I thought it was two no more yuppies.
Okay.
Right? A one and a two and a-- Lance? Lance! What? What is it? Can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah.
What do you want, Nina? Would you mind taking that off so I can look at you in the eye? I think that my body's changing.
Do you remember I woke up crying and then like I went to sleep and then I was laughing and then I'm having all these emotions.
Then, I yelled at you and then you yelled at me, and then I cried again.
I think I'm pregnant.
No.
I've never gotten anyone pregnant.
I can't.
I feel it.
My guts are like moving around.
It's, you're not pregnant.
I think my fingers are getting fatter.
Look at this.
Your fingers look exactly the same.
They've always been huge.
I can't even close my hands.
Remember when I dropped all those marbles that I was trying to show you? I've never gotten anyone pregnant.
Ask anyone.
Ask Jessica.
Ask Amanda.
Ask Tonya.
Ask Alice.
Ask Corinne.
Ask any of my exes.
I'm the pullout king.
I don't get no one pregnant.
That's your reaction to me telling you this emotional thing is I should go around town asking for the-- What, what did you call it the pullout king? Yeah.
Say, hey, do you guys know who the pullout king is? They'll be like, yeah.
Compared to who? Are there other guys? There's no other guys when there's a king.
Keep your voice down.
I don't want the neighbors to hear.
You think they don't know I'm the pullout king? Rick.
Yeah.
Who's the pullout king? You are.
That's right.
The whole neighborhood knows.
The whole city knows.
Well how come I don't know that? I'm the last to know.
You don't know I'm in and you don't know when I'm out because I'm that good.
How about the time in the backyard? Pulled out.
What about that time upstairs? Pulled out.
How about in here just to keep our surprise and I straddled you? I busted through the concrete, lowered myself down about half inch.
I pulled out.
Back in.
I don't know what happened, but I'm definitely pregnant.
Carolyn, I don't know what to say.
Let's just-- let's go take care of it.
No, wait Lance.
What? If I'm pregnant, I want to keep it.
What? Maybe he'll look like you and have a little mustache.
I think I'm going to be a working mother.
And I think you should be a stay at home dad.
I don't see myself as a dad.
That's why I pull out.
I don't want to talk about this kind of stuff.
Well, we're talking about it now.
Yeah, we are, and it's stressing me out.
Sorry.
I'm the pullout king.
We could call him Glenn Danzig.
I'm the pullout king.
Or Glenda Danziga if it's a girl.
When I say prairie, you say home.
Prairie.
Home.
Prairie.
Home.
When I say Garrison, you say Keillor.
Garrison.
Keillor.
Garrison.
Keillor.
Whew.
Hey, we saw a really good companion up in Seattle, and he's up there selling a good Minnesota story.
Guess who walks on stage? You will not believe this.
Terry Gross.
Two people in our row passed out.
People were fainting.
Some people peed their pants.
It went late.
I mean, we're talking 9:30.
I tried to take a picture, took out my phone, and it fell into my sleeve.
Saw a good jug band.
Oh, you know who it was? It was Old Crow Medicine Show.
Yes.
Ah.
Those guys rip.
How about it? Just a-- You know what? It's hard core soothing.
Yea, dig in.
All right, you guys first.
Let's get some tea.
It's yerba mate, I snuck it through customs.
Don't tell anyone.
Need your fix? Careful, this has a bite to it.
Oh.
Oh, uh.
We're looking at the spot.
It's a good spot.
You guys are doing a good job.
Oh my God.
You guys.
You almost got, you almost said something? The guys was like duh.
Now his collapse is being seen as an example of the decline of Brazil's economic fortunes.
Wow.
His father was minister of my-- It's South America.
What was then the state run-- That will never change.
The younger-- You guys ever met Peter Segal? He is so great.
He looks exactly like what you think he looks like.
Yeah.
Ah, ah, ah! So for this soup, I'm going to give you some secrets.
Don't steal 'em from me or steal and pass them on.
I don't care.
Just warm it up really-- you want to really low flame.
I mean you want it so-- you want it off.
I like to call it just for this, uh, a puree home comp onion.
Going bananas, look at'em.
You're insane.
Lunatic.
Turn it up, up, up.
Hon.
You fell asleep.
Uh-huh.
It's time to go in and see the concert.
Uh-huh.
Mae you just partied too hard.
Lay down with me.
Honey, it's not time to do any romance.
I want to get in there and see the show.
Come here.
Welcome to Pet Haven.
What's up? I'm Jamie.
And I'm Trish.
And we got a lot of dogs up for adoption, and look who's back? Rascal, an award winning King Charles Spaniel.
Where's your award? Show us the award.
What are you doing? A bird went right into that bird house right there, and I'm not kidding.
No, it didn't.
There's a sort of finch-like bird Nope.
that sticks his head through and curiously like looks up and then goes back in.
I'm going to have the last laugh at the wrap party for this.
It's going to be funny as hell because you guys are going to see the film.
We have-- we're going to have a projector there, right? Can we make this about Rascal? And the screen? Can we make this about Rascal? What? The wrap party? Adam? Great to see you.
Good to see you.
This is Lance.
Remember, I was telling you about.
Nice to meet ya.
Yep.
This is Adam.
He's a stay at home dad, and I just wanted you guys to get to know each other.
Hi, Chuck.
You guys talk.
Well, congratulations on becoming a father, Lance.
I'm kind of known as the pullout king.
I really doubt this is my baby so after a paternity test, I'm sure I'm not going to be holding a toy and-- Don't you like toys? Yeah, I like my motorcycle.
I have a two door Rav 4.
Do you mind? Ah, oh wow.
His little nose and little eyes.
Is he wearing contact lenses? Hey, Wolfie, do you want to tell Lance about the trains? You know, kid, I shouldn't even be here.
I'm kind of the pullout king.
What's that? The train goes in the tunnel.
It's kind of deep in there.
Right before the steam's going to come out of the train, pulls out.
Let's the steam out out here.
He's kind of going through a thing and like it's hard, like I'm like a mother, and there's like a boyfriend, and he's mad and the house, and there's like a million things going on.
It like stresses me out.
I'm even getting emotional right now, but at the same time I'm just euphoric.
Hey Lance, I think you should grow your hair out so you could maybe be part of the braid train.
It's more like a circle jerk to me, but I'm the pullout king so shouldn't be here.
Oh, man.
You should probably see this.
What? Pullout king? Who is this guy? I am pullout king.
They call me of course the pullout king because of these, um, sofas, that pullout into a bed.
Love seat, sectional, leather, modern, classic, contemporary, and all pullouts, and um, we're having a sale that may seem counterintuitive that I'm here trying to broadcast this news and making it our little secret.
In fact, um, not everybody knows about this, and um nor should they.
It's a sale.
I am the pullout king.
Lance.
Where is he? Where's the imposter? Lance.
Lance.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey! Are you okay, Jason? What'd you do to Jason? Why are you pushing? There can only be one pullout king, and that's me, buddy.
Okay, take it easy.
I've been pulling out on women for years and never gotten anybody, anybody pregnant.
You're talking about, uh, we hardly know each other, but this is-- you're talking about something rather, um personal and intimate.
You, you, you pull out.
Retreat, you know, back into the turtle shell.
Turtle back into the shell.
And I'm the pond.
What? This is where it came up.
Listen, here's the story okay? It turns out that I maybe, um, pregnant with child.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
You're having a baby? You have limited space? We just live in like one bedroom so we don't have a whole lot of room.
What if the one bedroom becomes a nursery.
Follow me here if you will, and the living room-- what if that became your bedroom in which you could put something larger than you've ever had? Oh, of course, it pulls out so the living room could still be a living room in the daytime where you have a lovely couch.
How would that even work? Here it is.
This is our kind of, you know, signature piece because-- there he goes.
Thank you.
Thank you, Jason.
Wow.
I present the pullout king.
I think it's just so helpful to be in a place width wise where you can be entirely snuggled as tighter than two-- Bears? In a-- Tree? Okay.
Yeah.
We could just squeeze that right into the house just barely.
It's nice and big like the ripped cushions.
Aha, there she goes.
Look at that.
Hey, here I come.
Here I come.
I don't have to.
Want to take a picture? Aw, it's cute.
I'll write to her tomorrow.
Rebecca's moving to New Orleans.
She's so crazy to me.
Did you guys see that Nate and Pam had their kid? Ah.
I have to respond to that.
Just get it over with.
I just write what a cutie.
I want to write something thoughtful and drawn out.
You get a limited window to do it.
I have a year.
That's for a wedding present.
Okay.
Tonight.
I'm going to do it tonight or tomorrow.
Oh, she's so little.
You're just a little baby.
You're so cute just like a little baby.
Hello.
Oh, hi.
I just want to drop off a little congratulatory gift for you baby.
Baby? Matthew, I think is the name.
That's me.
What? Is your name James? Yes.
I've heard about you.
When I sent the e-mail, you don't respond for weeks and weeks and weeks.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Now, you come to my doorstep ten years later.
You might as well come to my grave.
Might as well.
Wow.
Uh, I'm really sorry.
I feel really bad.
Wow.
You're kidding, right? My inbox kept pushing that birth announcement lower and lower on my e-mail.
This happened and then I tried to make a file that said reply immediately, and then I immediately forgot about that folder.
Let me explain something.
When your best friends have a baby Yes.
you buy the gift, put it by your bedside so when you wake up, you pick it up, go to the house the next day, not ten years later, give it to them like here you go, baby, when I'm clearly not a baby, and if I am, I'm Godzilla's baby, and on the bag next time maybe have a card on the front.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I just had so much to do.
I was swamped.
Well, you were busy, huh? Here, let me just check your tweets.
TGIF.
Who's up for happy hour? I'm at LAX.
I mean, we're out partying having a good time.
No baby.
What have you been up to for the last ten years? Well, in kindergarten, I did pretty good.
I never got cut by the safety scissors.
Yeah, and I got a dog for my birthday a few months ago.
Okay, so-- And a cat, fish.
What have you been up to for the last ten years? Been doing a lot, you know, walking around you know, work.
I got to be a little more serious and wear a tie, but other then that, just you know, biking around, walking around, driving around a little bit.
Hi there.
I'm here to see Shawn Davis.
Right, but if you circle back to those June statements, you're going to see that what we actually did there was roll it over into the next fiscal quarter.
That way we'll be able to hold onto that 7.
3 percent.
Yeah.
It's a W4 actually and not a W9.
This is going to be awhile.
See ya.
Okay.
What band is he in? Oh, he's a tax lawyer.
Oh yeah, that's the name of the band? X Lataer? Fred, seriously.
He's not in a band.
It's awesome.
He works in an office.
He wears a suit.
He works 9 to 5.
And you like this? I actually kind of love it.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Being passionate about anything is sexy.
Carrie, I don't know this about you.
All right.
Yeah.
How's that girl you're dating? Oh, she's insane.
What's her name? She won't tell me.
I had fun last night.
Oh.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah.
It was a good time.
Hard Rock Café Portland.
Yeah.
Didn't even know we had one.
Oh, I have something to show you.
Do you like? Hold on.
It's a bass guitar.
I have to dump him.
I was going to have him do my taxes.
This is a slippery slope.
A bass is a gateway instrument.
His role was to be the tax guy, and I like that about him.
We have to save this guy.
We have to just get some friends together and get in there.
I mean, it takes effort if it matters to you.
We're concerned, and we uh, just want you to be able to see the other side of things a little bit.
Is this about the bass? Did you show up in-- near the bed with your bass playing it plugged in without a shirt and wearing a hat? Was that you? That was my look at that moment.
Yeah.
Hi, Shawn.
I'm Annie.
I have a band called St.
Vincent.
I tour.
I'm a professional musician.
When I was little, I loved Lauren Hill, right? Everybody-- Miseducation, who hasn't heard that record? It's great.
Where is she right now? In the news.
In jail for tax evasion.
You think she had a good tax lawyer behind her? Obviously not.
He's probably playing bass in her band.
You know, without the right representation, the right people taking, you know, keeping tabs of all the money coming in, it could go right out.
Shawn.
My name's Duff McKagan, played with Guns N' Roses and Velvet Revolver.
Yeah.
Hi.
When Carrie told me I had an opportunity to come here to your office, I jumped at the chance.
What's important is you stay doing what you do.
The logistics, I don't understand.
I go out and tour.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
My tax lawyer comes into my life.
Every thing's suddenly clear, and my taxes are paid.
There's enough bass players out there, Shawn.
It's a lot to take in, I'll be honest.
The bass, when I bought it, because I used their credit card at Sam Ash.
I don't know what their return policy is.
Man, you start talking about the bass we check out.
Uh-huh.
What I didn't know about the bass is that there's a tone on it, and it's-- it-- on a 1099 spreadset, one of the things that you want to look for is to make sure that they filled in everything correctly and put in all their dependents.
Oh.
You're a one man show.
You're your own rock star.
And dude, guy to guy, she likes you so you gotta, gotta go about it and do what she wants you to do.
Yeah.
Every thing's all right, right? What I can do is a mid quarter conversion and we'll wipe that slate clean.
Oh, you bet.
It's amazing.
I've never see anything quite like this.
Yeah.
I'll talk to you later, Gus.
Employee work status form 239-B.
Fax.
Send a fax.
Nina, couch is here.
All right.
Oh.
This is big.
Yep.
We want it.
Okay Lance.
Look at our couch.
Oh, it's big and hardly fits.
Um, I think I'm not pregnant.
What? I kind of just had my period.
What about your intestines moving around and your big hands? Guess I just ate a bad burrito or something when we went to that Mexican place.
I guess maybe you are the pullout king.
I don't know, I'm kind of bummed.
I didn't want to be the pullout king anymore.
I was ready to give up the throne.
Want to try having a family some other time? How about right now? You know, when you talk like that, it really turns me on.
I kind of like imagining you as a dad, pipe in your mouth.
Yeah, big old pipes.
Pipes.
Smoking hot pipe.
Taking care of little baby.
We're at a concert or something or at a show and putting a little rock t-shirt on this little cute little thing from some little band or something or like from a record label from a long time ago or something I don't know.
I just like to take care of it and teach him how to use tools.
This couch might pull out sort of, but I'm not going to pull out at all.
Lance, really? Uh-huh.
You want your kingdom to be in here? Yeah, populated.
I want you to put your mustache all over me.
I will put this mustache all over you.
I mean everywhere on this couch which looks really nice.
I like how you put it in here, and it's not coming out.
Don't tip it over, you're going to hit the wall.
Lets get out money's worth.
Watch your balls.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- You just really-- - Hold on.
I can't.
You kicked me right in the chin.
I did? Ok.
Just so you know.
Sorry, Lance.
I think it's that bad burrito still.
I don't think it's ever going to leave my body.
I'm so close right now.
Can you be here? Where? I'm going to come to you and I'm going to cum in you.
Why are you-- Why do you want to kick me? Oh! Are you okay? I'm great! I'm so turned I just came.
Anyway, we're across a lovely cemetery, which is-- I like, don't be alarmed by that, there's nothing about the deflating aspect of life.
But *** always reminds us of that is-- that there's something about that that can be enlightening.
But you go, ooh-ooh, boy That's where I'm gonna wind up, whether I have a big pull out bed or not.
I am the pull out king.