Rake (2010) s04e04 Episode Script
Season 4, Episode 4
1 Get out.
They're expecting you.
Cleaver, you're a lawyer.
You have a duty to justice.
What do you say? What sort of fee are we talking? We're all on edge with this Thompson thing but Hey! I am in the frame here now.
Assorted supporting vessels, one poor bastard in a balloon.
That'll be 1.
2 million, thank you, sir.
Will that be cash or credit? And will you be splitting the bill with Mr Greene? Oh, what the hell is that?! "Merry Christmas to darling Wendy, from Santa.
" - Are you holding? - Holding? Um, how much are you doing? What do you want? How much jail time would Edgar be prepared to spend? Would he be comfortable with, say, 10? - You know her? - Uh, yep.
She used to be Stein.
Worked for us as a paralegal.
I was asked to deliver 10 kilograms of cocaine to a certain address in Marrakesh.
It was very specific.
The cocaine was to be hidden in a vase.
Hmm.
Is the person who made that request in this courtroom? He is.
Would you please point out this person to His Honour and the jury? Let the jury note she has indicated Edgar Thompson.
No, I haven't.
It was Cleaver Greene.
Oh, dear, dear poppet.
He called me and said he and his wife were in Marrakesh and wanted to make a big score while they were - Uh, Your Honour - Sit down.
Your Honour, one is both bemused and dismayed by these grave and uncorroborated allegations.
Especially allegations against one's own most learned co-counsel.
May I respectfully submit that Your Honour must consider the delicacy of this situation, as the reputation of a highly experienced member of this bar is in danger of being sullied.
Mr Greene's reputation is in danger? Oh, woe is me.
Mr Greene.
Uh, well, um, Your Honour is no doubt aware of the extremely serious if utterly spurious conflict of interest that this causes me.
I am.
The integrity of this entire trial is at stake, Your Honour, and thus it behooves me at this juncture to undertake the most drastic action that any member of a bar can ever undertake.
I understand.
Thank you, Your Honour.
This is most unusual.
Given the circumstances, you intend to stay at the bar table, do you? Ah, indeed I do, Your Honour.
There are no objections, Ms Huntley-Brown? No objections, Your Honour.
Mr Crown? No, Your Honour.
Happy to proceed.
Well, let's get on with it, then.
There is someone in this court who may be able to provide some assistance.
Cleaver came home one night and told me that Ed .
.
that Mr Thompson had given us a trip to Morocco.
- And you didn't ask any questions? - Why would I? You had unwavering trust in your then-husband? Yes.
May I remind you you are under oath.
I understand.
What was the reason for the breakdown of your marriage? There was no single reason.
As I suspected.
He cheated on you! Didn't he? He cheated! He lied to you, repeatedly.
So let me ask you this -- did you trust him? We loved each other.
We loved each other too.
Members of the public will listen in silence.
Yeah, everybody loves Cleaver.
Have you seen that show? It's so funny.
Sheriff, please remove that young lady from this court.
- Oh! What? - You have to leave, ma'am.
Why? I pay my taxes.
I pay my fucking taxes! Please come quietly.
Who do you think you are? Cleaver, what are they doing? Yes, you just go with the nice man.
- Really? - Really.
(OK.
I'll see you later then, OK?) Proceed, Mr Crown.
I shall repeat the question.
Did you trust your ex-husband -- yes or no? Sometimes.
Meaning, he was not and is not entirely trustworthy.
Oh, well, maybe not, but that doesn't make him a drug dealer.
A drug user, may He is not a drug dealer.
Your Honour, I must object in the strongest possible terms.
To what? Mr Crown is badgering the witness.
No, he is not.
No, Your Honour.
However, I was married to this witness, Your Honour.
We have a child together.
She is therefore inherently prejudiced against me.
I submit that her testimony be stricken from the record and that the jury be instructed that she is in fact the untrustworthy one and not me.
All I ever gave her was love.
Yes, well, that is utter rot, Mr Greene.
Proceed, Mr Crown.
Now, um, returning to, um, er, Morocco and the vase in question.
Do you recall its delivery? No, I was out shopping at the time.
When I got back to the hotel, Cleaver told me that Lydia had come past.
He said the vase was a present from Ed .
.
from Mr Thompson to his mother for her birthday.
He had agreed to take it back to Sydney.
Yes, but to be clear, you were not present for this conversation.
- No.
As I said, I was out shopping.
- So you You have no way of knowing for certain what actually happened or what was discussed between your then-husband and Ms Gleeson.
You are asking this court to rely on the word of a man you have found to be consistently untrustworthy.
Nothing further, Your Honour.
Hunter, what in the name of Hieronymus Bosch is going on here? I have no recollection of giving Mr Greene an all-expenses-paid holiday anywhere, let alone Morocco.
I do recall giving him a few hundred bucks as a sort of Christmas bonus.
And what was your recollection of the vase in question? I have none.
I never saw it.
I have no further questions, Your Honour.
Thank you, Mr Thompson.
Your Honour .
.
I believe there are some questions which need to be put to my friend Mr Greene.
Although I acknowledge professional privilege must apply.
I'd like to see Mr Crown and Miss Huntley-Brown in my chambers, please.
All rise.
- Are you there, fuck for brains? - Yeah, Cal.
- Referendum first, really? - Yep.
That's bullshit! It's so fuckin' legal and constitutional.
No-one gives a rat's arse.
Now, what's happening over at the Thompson debacle? I'll patch you through to Meg.
Hello, Meggy, you little horn bag.
What's the legal position? Oh, I don't know, Cally, nobody does.
Suddenly it's all gone seriously tits and Cleaver Greene is squarely in the frame.
Cleaver Greene's in the frame? How's that possible? - Well, the evidence - Shut up, Meggy.
Rhetorical.
Oh, Cal, one more thing.
Melissa Partridge just left the building and she looks a bit shaken and stirred.
The judge had to kick her out.
- Are you kidding me? - No.
Cleaver used to be one of her clients.
What do you want me to do? What do you think I want you to do, Woodstein? - Woodstein? - Oh, fuck.
Just get into the studio chop chop.
Didn't you get the memo? It's totally tabloid week here at Cal-Jazeera.
Offer her, oh, five grand.
Mmm.
Come! OK, you two, what the hell's going on? Darling, I have no idea what you're referring to.
- Are you alright? - I'm fine! You look a bit frazzled.
Viv gone back to Paul? She's a flighty little poppet, isn't she? The Bentley didn't do the trick, then Hunter! Don't speak about Viv.
Norton, you just had a witness in the box who clearly wanted to give evidence that would help you secure a conviction.
Yet you ran right over the top of her and created doubts about her credibility.
Now, we all know we can't trust Cleaver's credibility, but his wife's? You're the fucking DPP, for Christ's sake! - You sounded like defence counsel.
- Malcolm! Malcolm, I was simply trying, as you requested, to get to the bottom of this vase matter.
I think you're trying to put Cleaver in the shit.
Now, I'm going to ask you a very serious question.
Is Thompson paying you? What if he were? Right.
Well, in that case, I'd like to know how much.
Darling! I was wondering when you were going to ask.
I hate these things.
There is no joy in these things, Cleaver.
No romance.
No allure.
No Lauren Bacall.
Fuck! Wish I'd been around in the '30s.
Born out of my time, I was.
Weren't we all, Shirl? Mind you, I reckon I would have preferred the '20s, or 1919.
Immediate post-war, pre-Depression, you know.
Very cool time.
Martinis at four, white tie and tails at six.
Everybody smoked.
So what's gonna happen, Shirl? Haven't you worked it out, Cleave? Well, I think I'm for the chop, aren't I? Indeed you are, my little lamb.
Only way.
Ahh.
So the fix is in.
Oh, it's in alright, my love.
Viv has gone back to Paul and she's taken her new Bentley with her.
So His Honour is needing a fifth wife and some quick cash.
OK.
But if the fix is in, why can't it be in for me too? Are you dense? You can't have a two-way fix, Cleaver.
Somebody has to go down.
Jesus! Shirl, my love, why don't you pop outside and have a little puff? Sorry, Hunter.
Oh, please! Don't look so innocent and wounded, Cleaver.
It makes me want to puke, it really does.
I mean, you were there with me for three years.
You saw things, you heard things, and what did you do back then? Fucking nothing.
You turned a blind eye because you wanted to get on.
You wanted the fast life.
You wanted to be me.
Oh, yes, I was a moron, alright? I was your god.
You wore what I wore, you ate what I ate, where I ate, and you were more than happy to take my drugs.
I used to hear you on the phone to clients.
You copied my tone.
You used my expressions.
I created you.
But as legend tragically instructs us, you turned into a monster.
OK, God, or Dad, or whatever the fuck your dementia makes you think you are, I'm this close to not caring what happens next.
OK? I don't - If I died right now - Cleaver.
Cleaver, you will die at a precise moment of my choosing.
Do you understand? In fact, I've already seen your death.
It's going to take a very long time and it will be extremely painful.
- Hello, everyone.
- Not a good time, Doc.
No, Cleaver, I think this is a good time.
- Hello, Ed.
- How lovely to see you, Wendy.
Mmm.
Anyway, I have something that I think that you guys might be interested in.
What is it? Photocopies of cards that Ed sent us.
See, socially, you really are a very thoughtful and civil man, Ed.
Birthdays, anniversaries.
I have one in here that you sent me when my Dad lost his thumb.
You kept all of them? Oh, she keeps everything.
She's got boxes of this shit.
Yeah.
I've kept every card that I've received since I was 11.
Including this one.
It's a card that you sent me when I sent you a thank you letter for Morocco.
"Dearest Wendy, I am so glad you had a ball in Morocco.
"Your excessive gratitude embarrasses me.
"Cleaver is the best associate I've ever had, "and has earned such a reward, as have you.
"I'm already plotting where to send you both next Christmas," in brackets, "unless you'd rather just go with me.
"With oodles of love, Ed.
"PS -- thanks for lugging back the vase.
Mum loves it.
" Oh, and there are five kisses.
Why wasn't this produced in court? Well, this way we get to do a deal.
Obviously the originals are extremely secure and will only be used in the event that Cleaver is charged with anything in connection with you, Ed.
Or if either of us, or our loved ones, should meet with any nasty accidents.
You see? Hoist on the petard of your own social nicety.
This is why I never send thank you cards, folks.
Well, Hunter, old girl, let's get the champers on ice, huh? We're going to party like it's 1919! Ah, Melissa.
Lovely to meet you.
Thanks for coming at such short notice.
Please, take a seat.
Um, when do I get the money? Oh, as soon as we're done.
Cash, right? Yes.
There's some water there if you're, uh, thirsty.
Great.
Rightio.
Once I checked my diary, I realised that what I had delivered to Mr .
.
you, Mr Greene, was not a vase at all.
That was for someone else, uh, whose name was coincidentally Green, but without the 'e' at the end.
What I had delivered to Mr Greene with the 'e' was a very small amount of hashish, which was legal, and for purely personal use, which he certainly did not import into this country.
I apologise to the court for any confusion that I may have caused.
But, Ms Gleeson, who directed you to deliver the vase to Mr Green without the 'e'? No-one directed me, Mr Crown.
I met Mr Green without the 'e' at a party in Marrakesh.
He said he bred horses in England, and that's all I can recall, unfortunately.
But there is a vase, with an 'e', is there not? I've got a photo of it here in my bundle.
Indeed, Your Honour.
However, there's considerable evidence that the vase you're looking at there may not even be the vase in question.
I have here an affidavit from Assistant Commissioner Ruth Rogers who was on the team investigating this matter at the time.
She states that the chain of evidence in this matter was probably broken, and that a corrupt but now deceased policeman is most likely to have been the person responsible for the importation of the cocaine in the vase, or any vase, or the vas-es, relating to Mr Thompson.
I concur.
Does that clarify things for you, Your Honour? Well, that makes perfect sense, Ms Huntley-Brown.
So, Melissa Partridge, welcome.
Now, you were there today when sensational allegations were made against your dear friend, Cleaver Greene.
What can you tell us about them? About what? You know, the allegations about the cocaine.
There's cocaine? The cocaine in the vase.
You know, from Morocco.
Cleaver has a vase of cocaine? Where? Cal, mate, we're stopping the tape.
Meg needs to speak to you.
- What is it, Meggy? - Total tits, Cal.
Greene's been exonerated and Thompson's been acquitted on all charges.
All charges? You're fuckin' kidding me! Every one.
Oh, fuck, Hunter's good.
So, uh, where is this coke? 'Cause if you have some, I could really use a line.
Uh, hands up anyone on this crew who is not currently holding.
Mr Thompson! What's it like being a free man at last? Thank you.
Thank you.
I would just like to make a statement for now.
I'd like to start by saying what a great day this is for justice, my friends.
I've been looking forward to clearing my name for nearly 20 years now.
I've been hounded by the police, I've had wild accusations thrown at me by the press.
I've been defamed and vilified by politicians of every stripe.
And yet I stand before you today a free man.
And that is because the justice system in this country works better than anywhere in the world.
Mr Thompson! What are you going to do first? - Now, if you'll excuse me.
- Will you seek damages? I need to go and give the good news of my freedom to my sick old mum in hospital.
- Mr Thompson! - No, no Mr Thompson, if you could change Mr Norton, is the New South Wales justice system completely dead? No comment.
He sounds very stern.
Mr Norton, please! You know, we really do make a dynamic duo, don't we? What do you mean, "dynamic duo"? You wanted me to throw the cards out, do you remember? Yes, that's what I'm talking about.
I wanted to throw them out, you said, "No, fuck you," and then together we reach a mutually satisfying conclusion.
This is arbitration at a very high level.
Mmm.
Why don't you and me go away for the long weekend and celebrate your new-found talent for blackmail? No! Why not? It's my.
.
birthday.
Birthday.
- Did you remember? - Mmm, yes.
- Well - I remember birthdays.
- This'll be your - Ahh! Let's not say anything we can't take back.
Since when do you want to celebrate your birthday? Well, I have a pretty, um, idiosyncratic definition of the word 'celebrate' and what that may or may not entail.
Oh, God, I'm not going away with you for the weekend.
- Well, what about dinner tonight? - No, I can't tonight.
- Why not? - Just can't.
I can't.
Well, what are you doing? What's going What's so important? I've got dinner with Fuzz.
Every Thursday.
It's our thing.
Every Thursday? Since when? Why aren't I invited to these dinners with Fuzz every - I want to come with every Thursday - Because it is our time.
You can have dinner with him any night.
Well, I like Thursdays.
I want to come Thursdays.
And tonight.
Where are you going? Can I come? (Birthday! Birthday!) - Alright, you can come - Good.
.
.
little boy.
There you go.
But he is moving back in.
With us? Cool! So I said to him -- I mean, this is on air, mind you -- "You may call yourself the Leader of the Opposition, "but that's only because every idea you lead "is opposed to decency and proper governance!" After you, milady.
I mean, Davey's a nice-enough prick, I guess.
Don't know what you saw in him, though.
Jeez, he'll never make premier.
He just does not have the nads.
He never had the nads.
Shit.
Really? What? Wow.
So, do you know where we can get some more? Yeah, Jizz Monkey.
I need you to make me a call.
No, I'm gonna need a little bit more this time.
You are Cal McGregor! Hey.
Hey.
Where are you? I'm just about to go into a meeting.
Gav's talking about another book.
Another book? What would that one be about? My treatise on democracy and why it doesn't work.
And why you should be our benevolent dictator? Oh, there's a bestseller right there.
Hey, we need to talk, you know.
Yeah.
Why didn't anyone tell me? They're just waving me into the meeting.
I'll give you a call back in a bit, eh? - What time was that? - That's it, he's out.
Fuck! Hey.
Did you tell Nicole? Nuh.
- Did you tell David? - No.
Oh, we just keep fighting.
And it's no-one's fault.
It's just too hard.
But if I do end things with David, then it won't be because of the other night.
There's no linkage.
No linkage? No.
OK, some linkage.
A little linkage.
Of course there's linkage.
But after everything that's happened, we can't drag the kids through more bullshit and you can't blow off Nicole.
I have no intention of blowing off Nicole.
Sorry, poor choice of words.
I Barney, if we are going to act on this, then that's it.
To the end.
We can never know that.
I know.
Patience.
I've gotta go.
OK.
I've got that big bash tonight, whoo-hoo! OK! I'll call you later.
Hey, don't have too much fun.
Don't worry, I won't.
You're the one Who made my dreams come true A few kisses ago I remember you You're the one who Hey! Ho! Ho, mate! Haven't you heard of knocking? I could have been at it.
Who are you murdering, Cleave? That would be Franky Ifield's much loved classic, my friend .
.
that your grandad used to lure Grandma to the boudoir.
You should be very thankful to that song.
You wouldn't be here if it weren't for that song.
Feeling a little nostalgic tonight, mate.
- Birthday.
- Yes, the birthday.
Yeah, but you don't like birthdays.
Oh, well, this one's a bit different, isn't it? You know, happy times.
You're moving back in.
Three of us out to dinner.
I'm thinking somewhere fancy.
Probably Buon Riccordo, is it? The thing is, Cleave, I don't think I can make it.
What? You remember Justine? The girl I was seeing before Monique? Yeah, no idea, but go on.
Well, she's leaving for Paris tomorrow.
She got into the Sorbonne.
So bon for her.
Well, anyway, her parents are throwing a farewell do, so Yes? And? It's my birthday! I know, but you always just get pissed and turn into a miserable prick on your birthday.
And this is a party her parents are throwing at their place in Palmy, and my ride's leaving soon, so Oh, mate, it's my birthday.
Birthday! Yeah, but Juzzy's leaving Saturday and you'll still be here and that's when your actual birthday is, remember? So I will be around for it.
Mate, you wanna see a prick on his birthday, have a look at me on Saturday.
Yeah, Cleave, come on.
I mean no offence.
No offence taken on my part, mate.
Don't you worry about me.
It's your mum I'm concerned about.
You know, your your special Thursday nights.
Don't think I don't know about them.
What about Thursday nights? Oh, that that bond, that very special bond between mother and son that I'd always thought was unbreakable, but apparently not.
You snap it like a twig and fuck off up to the Northern Beaches with all your Northern Beacher wanky mates.
Whatever you say, Cleave.
They're more inbred up on that peninsula than the royals, mate.
Have a good night.
Billy! He's at the Sheraton! Yeah, you can call off surveillance now.
I need his room number and a key, then you can go home.
Have a good night, Cleave.
See you in the morning.
Oh, yeah, enjoy your fancy Northern Beaches wankers' parties.
Wendy! Yeah? What's going on? Where's my What's going on? Oh, God, he's only been back 15 minutes.
- Where's my stuff? - Look at this! I moved it into the spare room.
May I ask why? Because this is Fuzz's room.
- I thought this was my room.
- Yeah, only when Fuzz is not here.
I'm the Daddy bear.
Why can't I have the big bed? Because this is Fuzz's big bed! I want the big Where am I? I'm not in the spare room?! Yeah, it has a bed.
I I can't I am not now, and have never been, a spare room kind of a guy.
Well, your stuff fitted in very nicely.
Oh, come on.
Not really very good.
What are you calling the spare room? Oh Oh, are you fucking kidding me? You said it was just for a couple of weeks.
I He's 20, right? He can sleep on a bed of burning nails.
I I All he's ever going to use that bed for is to have a wank and fall into a coma.
I have to sleep.
I have important Haven't I earnt a little bit of comfort? Not really, no.
It's up to you, Cleave.
Take it or leave it.
But we've gotta get going in half.
Oh, Jesus wept! Better be bloody Buon Riccordo.
Yeah.
Who the fuck are you? Ruth Ruth, just listen to me.
She's just another part of the plan, trust me.
I can tell you everything.
Plan? What the fuck is going on, Ed? A fucking paralegal? You want to spend your first night of freedom with that? Ruth I have waited and waited and waited for you.
Almost 20 years Ed, get the bitch the fuck out of here! Jesus! Alright, Ruth, just put the gun down and let's talk, hm? OK, let's talk.
And you can tell me everything, Ed, because, well, we've got all the time in the world, haven't we, darling? - Ruth - What did I do? What did I fucking do? Because I used to be a good cop before I met you.
I made my parents proud before I met you.
But I have betrayed everything I believed in for you.
And you you were just using me.
Darling, we just need to make a fresh start.
A fresh start it is.
Hi, it's me.
I know I said you could have the night off but, um .
.
er, we have a little situation.
Not Buon Riccordo, then? Just keep your eyes peeled.
Well, just go in here.
Perfect.
No.
No standing.
Oh, don't worry about that.
The rangers won't be out at this time.
- Yes, they do come out at this time.
- Rubbish.
When was the last time you drove a car? When was the last time you paid a fine? They're not nocturnal.
I've been driving since I was 10 years old.
Yeah, I've got nine points against me from the last three times you borrowed my car.
- Where the fuck are we? - Oh, here we go.
What the fuck is this? We only Oh, not the bowlo.
Not a surprise party! Oh, Wendy! Oh, not a surprise party! Don't spoil it! How can you spoil something that's rancid? - Oh, thank you very much.
- Oh, God! We thought, with you being in hiding, that you might quite like a party this year.
Oh, well, you thought wrong.
God, you can be such a prick! Is it fear of death or fear of getting old? Yes, yes, yes, it's all of the above, alright? I plead guilty.
I'm hitting my Kennedy point, alright? What's your Kennedy point? My Kennedy point! Dying young and looking cool forever.
I mean, what if I live until I'm 90? Oh, trust me, you won't.
Yeah, but what if I do, and then I die, and I'm 90 and there's a picture of me as a 90-year-old in the paper.
Oh, there's not going to be a picture of you in the paper, Cleave.
Oh, God! Cleave, can you try and have a good time? No! No, alright? Every birthday is a kiss farewell to my youth.
Yeah, I think you might have kissed your youth goodbye 15 years ago.
And if I recall correctly, her name was Abigail.
Oh, God.
My sisters! You invited Reagan and Gonorrhoea? Why would you do that? Is anybody good coming? Are there lawyers in here? You know, distinguished colleagues, members of the bar? Are there judges? I don't know, I left that with Barney.
Oh, shit.
Are there gonna be speeches or something? Do I have to make a speech? Yeah.
Barney's going to say a few words.
Barney? Don't let Barney speak.
He'll just talk about how much money I owe him after the fucking picnic basket.
- For fuck's sake, Cleaver! - What? Can you please try and have a good time? I'm asking you nicely.
Come on.
I don't think so, no.
Oh, Wendy, why is it so dark in here? Is there a blackout or something? - What? - Surprise! Oh, what? For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow And so say all of us And so say all of us Oh, yes! With your Northern Beaches bullshit.
Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for the world, Cleave.
- Have a good night.
See ya.
- What? I told you, I'm off to Palmy.
Quick slash then I'm off.
Oh, so still Palmy? "Jason shone the lighthouse beacon onto the ship.
"But the townsfolk realised that the ship was being steered by" T-Rex! Duh, duh-duh, duh.
One of us is still actually eating, you know? Yeah, I've gotta finish these boxes tonight.
School holidays start next Tuesday.
If I don't get it done, it's going to be chaos.
Didn't you bring that box down a few days ago? The Mexican mask.
I remember.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I did.
I mean, I come over here, and you're just you're bringing boxes down and taking them back up again.
It's crazy.
David? The kids, they They hate your guts.
I know.
Are you gonna be OK? Did anyone know about you and him? I mean, apart from me? Do you want to go and get a drink? Uh, no.
- Thanks, Billy, you can go.
- You sure? They're not going to like anyone other than their father, for God knows how long.
You can't just put your life on hold.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I can.
They're my kids.
And I wouldn't understand because I don't have kids, right? Yes.
Well, guess how old I was when my dad bolted? You were six years old.
That's right, I was six years old.
The notion that you have to be a parent in order to understand kids is bullshit.
Because we were all kids once.
I mean, apart from having to breathe, it's the one thing that every person on the planet has in common.
When my mother started dating again, I thought it was the end of the world.
I thought I was Oliver Twist.
You read Dickens when you were six years old? I was in the musical, as a workhouse boy, which didn't help.
Now, I I did everything I could to destroy the few relationships my mother had when I was a boy.
I was a little shit.
She was mine.
That was it, as far as I was concerned.
Now, I'm sure those poor bastards I tormented and drove away were all decent men.
But now she lives all alone in that small house .
.
where you and I used to make love.
You can't scare me into resurrecting whatever it is we think we might have had.
OK.
Let me play the lowest card in the deck.
I love you.
I miss Barney, David.
I'm sorry, but I do.
Many happy returns, Cleave.
Oh, thanks, mate.
See you on the dance floor, mate.
Yeah.
Ahh.
Evening.
Always good to hang out with your old mates.
Isn't it? A lot of criminals here tonight, Barn.
- A lot of serious criminals.
- They're clients.
Clients of longstanding who've come to pay their respects.
You invited a lot of criminals to my birthday.
You're a criminal lawyer.
- As are you.
- Exactly.
So what's your complaint? Ohh.
He raped his brother.
He raped his You invited a brother rapist to my birthday.
He was acquitted.
And we all know how that happened.
There's not a Silk in sight, mate.
There's not a Supreme in sight.
There are two District Court judges here, Cleave.
Two DCs! Wow, mate.
Don't think I don't know what's going on, Barnyard.
I'm on to you.
You are deliberately white-anting my birthday because of this hot-air balloon bullshit.
How dare you think I'd do that! And it's 1.
2 million, Cleave.
It's not something to be sneered at.
Do you know what, mate? Save it for your speech.
Oh, really looking forward to that.
That'll be a happy melange of Dorothy Parker and Truman Capote and a little bit of Dr Goebbels as well.
The world really needs to know what a great hero you are, mate, and what a thoughtless ball sac I am.
- Happy birthday, Cleave.
- Thank you.
Jesus, you two are still at it? - Yeah, well he's - I mean, it was a present, alright? A beautiful balloon ride present, and now it's costing me 600 grand.
Well, I think that he just wants to talk about it.
I can't talk about 600 grand.
I may as well owe the American national debt, or a handful of magical beans.
Look, it's a lovely party.
There is a lot of love in the room.
From the criminal class.
A lot of love from the criminal It's like the fucking Madame Tussaud's of crime in here.
Look at all these faces from our past.
GBH, GB Manslaughter.
There's Oh, break and enter.
- Oh, there's Marvin.
Remember Marvin? - Mm-hm.
Loved to give it a tug in front of nuns.
But it's not just the faces, is it, Nicole? It's the whole merry ambience.
I mean, what a Look at it.
Nothing And for me, nothing says celebration so much as a cash bar with two types of wine, red and white.
Who would have thought? OK.
Speeches! Come on! Apart from his sisters, Lily and Jane, who are with us tonight .
.
I think I've known Cleaver longer than anyone here, for my sins.
I'm sure you all presumed I'd be the one giving the big speech, but there's someone else in this room who's been very close to Cleaver over the last few years, who's really connected with him, touched his heart.
A man of eminence and great wit.
And, of course, a great legal brain.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lincoln Lincoln.
I was surprised and .
.
and honoured and deeply touched when Barney asked me to speak tonight very recently.
And as luck would have it, and as someone who is very close to Cleaver .
.
I prepared something a little earlier.
Oh, just just before I do that, I should explain that you have to imagine that I am Cleaver playing the Lord High Executioner in The Mikado.
And Cleaver is a bit of a fuss pot and has a certain way of going about things which, if you didn't know, it probably wouldn't really make any sense.
But anyway, here we go.
I'll just As some day it may happen That a client must be found I've got a little list I've got a little list A society offender Who might well be underground Who never would be missed Who never would be missed There's the pestilential paparazzo Who wants a photograph Lawyers wearing greasy wigs And irritating laughs And children who stay up too late And get a little fat And gentlemen who shake your hand And shake it just like that And working business ladies Who want cash they do insist And then they say 'Correct!' And always say 'Correct' He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they never would be missed They never would be missed.
I just wanted to say happy birthday to my little brother.
Here's to Cleaver.
To Cleaver! But more importantly, I would like to talk to you tonight about the direction our nation is heading in.
We're living in anxious times, my friends.
Issues of national economic and environmental dilemmas plague us.
We need to have leadership that just doesn't cater to the fringes of society.
We need to have leadership that is strong and understanding.
Leadership that embraces all Australians.
National leadership! That is why I am proud to announce to you all here tonight my candidacy for the Senate, as a candidate for the National Party in the forthcoming federal election.
So, what do you think? Well, I think it's clear now that she no longer poses just a threat to herself, but to the wider community, and we can have her sectioned under the Mental Health Act.
Dad voted for the Nats.
Yes, yes, but Dad also used to talk about how much he loved a Chinky meal.
I mean, he was well ahead of his time in that regard.
Holy shit.
How pissed is she? She's serious, Cleave.
She's running.
And I'm her campaign manager.
Ohh.
Nostradamus was right, after all.
Connie, what have we got? Lydia Gleeson and Edgar Thompson.
OK, Billy, what can you tell me about what happened? Well, the details are sketchy at best, boss.
The bodies were found in a landfill near Lidcombe.
OK, I want forensics combing the scene.
Gotcha.
Ahh.
Yes, thank you.
Wow Wow.
Looking around at all these faces, the faces of my nearest and dearest .
.
oh, you get to see the real meaning, the totality of your existence.
And And Oh, fuck.
I'm s Oh, God.
And like so many things in this life, it makes me think of Yeats.
How many loved your moments of sad grace? And loved your beauty with love False or true But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you And loved the sorrows of your changing face.
Here's to bow-legged women! Bow-legged women! Oh, yeah.
Oh, you helped yourself to my birthday prezzie.
Did you hear Jane's announced she's nominating for the Senate? Jesus.
Holy Mother Mary, pray for us now and at the hour the polls close.
I don't want to have to emigrate.
Nor do I.
So, listen, mate, I know you didn't want to be in a picnic basket on your way to New Zealand, but I honestly can't I can't take on a 600,000 bill I slept with Scarlet.
You're shittin' me.
Look, just for the ease of future conversations, can you not say 'you're shittin' me' if I tell you I fucked either Scarlet or Nicole? 'Cause you say it every time.
Oh.
Oh, fair enough.
Oh, mate.
Last hurrah? I don't think so.
I don't know.
What about Nicole and baby E-I-E-I-O-ain? - Yes, I know.
Fuck! - Oh, fuck! Fuck and fuck.
That's the firm we should start.
I know, or I don't know.
That's the thing.
None of us knows anything.
- None of us knows - None of us is sure about anything.
Rumsfeld knew.
The known unknown or the unknown What was it? The 'unknown known'.
We know we know nothing.
Lincoln Lincoln.
Mikado.
It was a masterstroke, mate.
You knobhead.
You shoved that up my clacker, didn't you? Right up your fuckin' clacker.
Pour me some of that shit.
Yeah, of course, you bastard.
Drink up, you prick.
Ahh.
- Deer Hunter.
- Deer Hunter.
Can't take my eyes off of you You'd be like heaven to touch Oh, I want to hold you so much At long last love has arrived Yeah, well, I think I should probably just go.
OK Talk later.
Oh, pretty baby Don't bring me down, I pray Oh, pretty baby Now that I've found you, stay Oh, Barn.
Oh, no.
Oh, it's a balloon! Oh, Barney, what's going to happen, mate? We're off and away! I'm afraid.
Are you afraid, Barney? Where is it going to take us, huh? Hopefully not New Zealand! Have you slept with Barney recently? Yes.
- When? - Oh, does it matter when? Oh! Oh.
Brava! Senator Greene, huh? After all the things you've said, after all the things we've done.
You know, I said I was prepared to give you time, to give you and the kids time.
It's not a function of time, David.
We're not robots.
Time doesn't guarantee an outcome.
I'm not looking for a guarantee.
I'm just looking for a chance, that's all.
Oh, yes, do you really think people are going to vote for you in the Senate? I'm gonna change this country, Cleaver.
Over my dead body.
In fact, I take this moment to announce my candidacy for my own political party, the My Sister Jane Gets Into The Senate Over My Dead Body Party.
- Huh? - Get fucked! Oh, you get fucked, why don't you? I can't talk about this anymore, OK? I am so sorry, David, but my brain is fried.
I need a break.
I love you, baby And if it's quite alright, I need you, baby To warm my lonely nights I love you, baby Trust in me when I say Oh, pretty We need a break, OK? Jesus Christ, I'm sick of this.
What the fuck is that? I pray, oh, pretty baby Now that I've found you, stay Oh, pretty baby, trust in me When I say I need you, baby Oh, won't you come my way Oh, pretty baby Now that I found you, stay And let me love you, baby Let me love you.
Who the fuck is that? Piss off! There seems to be a lot of wanking going on.
He's a greedy bastard.
He's a meringue.
And you are sleeping on a li-lo in Fuzz's room.
What?! Mama! There is a trend back to a little bit more growth down there now.
A 2.
5cm x 1.
1cm furrow.
Do you want shots of her nude or clothed? No.
No, mate.
Hey! Get that camera out of here!
They're expecting you.
Cleaver, you're a lawyer.
You have a duty to justice.
What do you say? What sort of fee are we talking? We're all on edge with this Thompson thing but Hey! I am in the frame here now.
Assorted supporting vessels, one poor bastard in a balloon.
That'll be 1.
2 million, thank you, sir.
Will that be cash or credit? And will you be splitting the bill with Mr Greene? Oh, what the hell is that?! "Merry Christmas to darling Wendy, from Santa.
" - Are you holding? - Holding? Um, how much are you doing? What do you want? How much jail time would Edgar be prepared to spend? Would he be comfortable with, say, 10? - You know her? - Uh, yep.
She used to be Stein.
Worked for us as a paralegal.
I was asked to deliver 10 kilograms of cocaine to a certain address in Marrakesh.
It was very specific.
The cocaine was to be hidden in a vase.
Hmm.
Is the person who made that request in this courtroom? He is.
Would you please point out this person to His Honour and the jury? Let the jury note she has indicated Edgar Thompson.
No, I haven't.
It was Cleaver Greene.
Oh, dear, dear poppet.
He called me and said he and his wife were in Marrakesh and wanted to make a big score while they were - Uh, Your Honour - Sit down.
Your Honour, one is both bemused and dismayed by these grave and uncorroborated allegations.
Especially allegations against one's own most learned co-counsel.
May I respectfully submit that Your Honour must consider the delicacy of this situation, as the reputation of a highly experienced member of this bar is in danger of being sullied.
Mr Greene's reputation is in danger? Oh, woe is me.
Mr Greene.
Uh, well, um, Your Honour is no doubt aware of the extremely serious if utterly spurious conflict of interest that this causes me.
I am.
The integrity of this entire trial is at stake, Your Honour, and thus it behooves me at this juncture to undertake the most drastic action that any member of a bar can ever undertake.
I understand.
Thank you, Your Honour.
This is most unusual.
Given the circumstances, you intend to stay at the bar table, do you? Ah, indeed I do, Your Honour.
There are no objections, Ms Huntley-Brown? No objections, Your Honour.
Mr Crown? No, Your Honour.
Happy to proceed.
Well, let's get on with it, then.
There is someone in this court who may be able to provide some assistance.
Cleaver came home one night and told me that Ed .
.
that Mr Thompson had given us a trip to Morocco.
- And you didn't ask any questions? - Why would I? You had unwavering trust in your then-husband? Yes.
May I remind you you are under oath.
I understand.
What was the reason for the breakdown of your marriage? There was no single reason.
As I suspected.
He cheated on you! Didn't he? He cheated! He lied to you, repeatedly.
So let me ask you this -- did you trust him? We loved each other.
We loved each other too.
Members of the public will listen in silence.
Yeah, everybody loves Cleaver.
Have you seen that show? It's so funny.
Sheriff, please remove that young lady from this court.
- Oh! What? - You have to leave, ma'am.
Why? I pay my taxes.
I pay my fucking taxes! Please come quietly.
Who do you think you are? Cleaver, what are they doing? Yes, you just go with the nice man.
- Really? - Really.
(OK.
I'll see you later then, OK?) Proceed, Mr Crown.
I shall repeat the question.
Did you trust your ex-husband -- yes or no? Sometimes.
Meaning, he was not and is not entirely trustworthy.
Oh, well, maybe not, but that doesn't make him a drug dealer.
A drug user, may He is not a drug dealer.
Your Honour, I must object in the strongest possible terms.
To what? Mr Crown is badgering the witness.
No, he is not.
No, Your Honour.
However, I was married to this witness, Your Honour.
We have a child together.
She is therefore inherently prejudiced against me.
I submit that her testimony be stricken from the record and that the jury be instructed that she is in fact the untrustworthy one and not me.
All I ever gave her was love.
Yes, well, that is utter rot, Mr Greene.
Proceed, Mr Crown.
Now, um, returning to, um, er, Morocco and the vase in question.
Do you recall its delivery? No, I was out shopping at the time.
When I got back to the hotel, Cleaver told me that Lydia had come past.
He said the vase was a present from Ed .
.
from Mr Thompson to his mother for her birthday.
He had agreed to take it back to Sydney.
Yes, but to be clear, you were not present for this conversation.
- No.
As I said, I was out shopping.
- So you You have no way of knowing for certain what actually happened or what was discussed between your then-husband and Ms Gleeson.
You are asking this court to rely on the word of a man you have found to be consistently untrustworthy.
Nothing further, Your Honour.
Hunter, what in the name of Hieronymus Bosch is going on here? I have no recollection of giving Mr Greene an all-expenses-paid holiday anywhere, let alone Morocco.
I do recall giving him a few hundred bucks as a sort of Christmas bonus.
And what was your recollection of the vase in question? I have none.
I never saw it.
I have no further questions, Your Honour.
Thank you, Mr Thompson.
Your Honour .
.
I believe there are some questions which need to be put to my friend Mr Greene.
Although I acknowledge professional privilege must apply.
I'd like to see Mr Crown and Miss Huntley-Brown in my chambers, please.
All rise.
- Are you there, fuck for brains? - Yeah, Cal.
- Referendum first, really? - Yep.
That's bullshit! It's so fuckin' legal and constitutional.
No-one gives a rat's arse.
Now, what's happening over at the Thompson debacle? I'll patch you through to Meg.
Hello, Meggy, you little horn bag.
What's the legal position? Oh, I don't know, Cally, nobody does.
Suddenly it's all gone seriously tits and Cleaver Greene is squarely in the frame.
Cleaver Greene's in the frame? How's that possible? - Well, the evidence - Shut up, Meggy.
Rhetorical.
Oh, Cal, one more thing.
Melissa Partridge just left the building and she looks a bit shaken and stirred.
The judge had to kick her out.
- Are you kidding me? - No.
Cleaver used to be one of her clients.
What do you want me to do? What do you think I want you to do, Woodstein? - Woodstein? - Oh, fuck.
Just get into the studio chop chop.
Didn't you get the memo? It's totally tabloid week here at Cal-Jazeera.
Offer her, oh, five grand.
Mmm.
Come! OK, you two, what the hell's going on? Darling, I have no idea what you're referring to.
- Are you alright? - I'm fine! You look a bit frazzled.
Viv gone back to Paul? She's a flighty little poppet, isn't she? The Bentley didn't do the trick, then Hunter! Don't speak about Viv.
Norton, you just had a witness in the box who clearly wanted to give evidence that would help you secure a conviction.
Yet you ran right over the top of her and created doubts about her credibility.
Now, we all know we can't trust Cleaver's credibility, but his wife's? You're the fucking DPP, for Christ's sake! - You sounded like defence counsel.
- Malcolm! Malcolm, I was simply trying, as you requested, to get to the bottom of this vase matter.
I think you're trying to put Cleaver in the shit.
Now, I'm going to ask you a very serious question.
Is Thompson paying you? What if he were? Right.
Well, in that case, I'd like to know how much.
Darling! I was wondering when you were going to ask.
I hate these things.
There is no joy in these things, Cleaver.
No romance.
No allure.
No Lauren Bacall.
Fuck! Wish I'd been around in the '30s.
Born out of my time, I was.
Weren't we all, Shirl? Mind you, I reckon I would have preferred the '20s, or 1919.
Immediate post-war, pre-Depression, you know.
Very cool time.
Martinis at four, white tie and tails at six.
Everybody smoked.
So what's gonna happen, Shirl? Haven't you worked it out, Cleave? Well, I think I'm for the chop, aren't I? Indeed you are, my little lamb.
Only way.
Ahh.
So the fix is in.
Oh, it's in alright, my love.
Viv has gone back to Paul and she's taken her new Bentley with her.
So His Honour is needing a fifth wife and some quick cash.
OK.
But if the fix is in, why can't it be in for me too? Are you dense? You can't have a two-way fix, Cleaver.
Somebody has to go down.
Jesus! Shirl, my love, why don't you pop outside and have a little puff? Sorry, Hunter.
Oh, please! Don't look so innocent and wounded, Cleaver.
It makes me want to puke, it really does.
I mean, you were there with me for three years.
You saw things, you heard things, and what did you do back then? Fucking nothing.
You turned a blind eye because you wanted to get on.
You wanted the fast life.
You wanted to be me.
Oh, yes, I was a moron, alright? I was your god.
You wore what I wore, you ate what I ate, where I ate, and you were more than happy to take my drugs.
I used to hear you on the phone to clients.
You copied my tone.
You used my expressions.
I created you.
But as legend tragically instructs us, you turned into a monster.
OK, God, or Dad, or whatever the fuck your dementia makes you think you are, I'm this close to not caring what happens next.
OK? I don't - If I died right now - Cleaver.
Cleaver, you will die at a precise moment of my choosing.
Do you understand? In fact, I've already seen your death.
It's going to take a very long time and it will be extremely painful.
- Hello, everyone.
- Not a good time, Doc.
No, Cleaver, I think this is a good time.
- Hello, Ed.
- How lovely to see you, Wendy.
Mmm.
Anyway, I have something that I think that you guys might be interested in.
What is it? Photocopies of cards that Ed sent us.
See, socially, you really are a very thoughtful and civil man, Ed.
Birthdays, anniversaries.
I have one in here that you sent me when my Dad lost his thumb.
You kept all of them? Oh, she keeps everything.
She's got boxes of this shit.
Yeah.
I've kept every card that I've received since I was 11.
Including this one.
It's a card that you sent me when I sent you a thank you letter for Morocco.
"Dearest Wendy, I am so glad you had a ball in Morocco.
"Your excessive gratitude embarrasses me.
"Cleaver is the best associate I've ever had, "and has earned such a reward, as have you.
"I'm already plotting where to send you both next Christmas," in brackets, "unless you'd rather just go with me.
"With oodles of love, Ed.
"PS -- thanks for lugging back the vase.
Mum loves it.
" Oh, and there are five kisses.
Why wasn't this produced in court? Well, this way we get to do a deal.
Obviously the originals are extremely secure and will only be used in the event that Cleaver is charged with anything in connection with you, Ed.
Or if either of us, or our loved ones, should meet with any nasty accidents.
You see? Hoist on the petard of your own social nicety.
This is why I never send thank you cards, folks.
Well, Hunter, old girl, let's get the champers on ice, huh? We're going to party like it's 1919! Ah, Melissa.
Lovely to meet you.
Thanks for coming at such short notice.
Please, take a seat.
Um, when do I get the money? Oh, as soon as we're done.
Cash, right? Yes.
There's some water there if you're, uh, thirsty.
Great.
Rightio.
Once I checked my diary, I realised that what I had delivered to Mr .
.
you, Mr Greene, was not a vase at all.
That was for someone else, uh, whose name was coincidentally Green, but without the 'e' at the end.
What I had delivered to Mr Greene with the 'e' was a very small amount of hashish, which was legal, and for purely personal use, which he certainly did not import into this country.
I apologise to the court for any confusion that I may have caused.
But, Ms Gleeson, who directed you to deliver the vase to Mr Green without the 'e'? No-one directed me, Mr Crown.
I met Mr Green without the 'e' at a party in Marrakesh.
He said he bred horses in England, and that's all I can recall, unfortunately.
But there is a vase, with an 'e', is there not? I've got a photo of it here in my bundle.
Indeed, Your Honour.
However, there's considerable evidence that the vase you're looking at there may not even be the vase in question.
I have here an affidavit from Assistant Commissioner Ruth Rogers who was on the team investigating this matter at the time.
She states that the chain of evidence in this matter was probably broken, and that a corrupt but now deceased policeman is most likely to have been the person responsible for the importation of the cocaine in the vase, or any vase, or the vas-es, relating to Mr Thompson.
I concur.
Does that clarify things for you, Your Honour? Well, that makes perfect sense, Ms Huntley-Brown.
So, Melissa Partridge, welcome.
Now, you were there today when sensational allegations were made against your dear friend, Cleaver Greene.
What can you tell us about them? About what? You know, the allegations about the cocaine.
There's cocaine? The cocaine in the vase.
You know, from Morocco.
Cleaver has a vase of cocaine? Where? Cal, mate, we're stopping the tape.
Meg needs to speak to you.
- What is it, Meggy? - Total tits, Cal.
Greene's been exonerated and Thompson's been acquitted on all charges.
All charges? You're fuckin' kidding me! Every one.
Oh, fuck, Hunter's good.
So, uh, where is this coke? 'Cause if you have some, I could really use a line.
Uh, hands up anyone on this crew who is not currently holding.
Mr Thompson! What's it like being a free man at last? Thank you.
Thank you.
I would just like to make a statement for now.
I'd like to start by saying what a great day this is for justice, my friends.
I've been looking forward to clearing my name for nearly 20 years now.
I've been hounded by the police, I've had wild accusations thrown at me by the press.
I've been defamed and vilified by politicians of every stripe.
And yet I stand before you today a free man.
And that is because the justice system in this country works better than anywhere in the world.
Mr Thompson! What are you going to do first? - Now, if you'll excuse me.
- Will you seek damages? I need to go and give the good news of my freedom to my sick old mum in hospital.
- Mr Thompson! - No, no Mr Thompson, if you could change Mr Norton, is the New South Wales justice system completely dead? No comment.
He sounds very stern.
Mr Norton, please! You know, we really do make a dynamic duo, don't we? What do you mean, "dynamic duo"? You wanted me to throw the cards out, do you remember? Yes, that's what I'm talking about.
I wanted to throw them out, you said, "No, fuck you," and then together we reach a mutually satisfying conclusion.
This is arbitration at a very high level.
Mmm.
Why don't you and me go away for the long weekend and celebrate your new-found talent for blackmail? No! Why not? It's my.
.
birthday.
Birthday.
- Did you remember? - Mmm, yes.
- Well - I remember birthdays.
- This'll be your - Ahh! Let's not say anything we can't take back.
Since when do you want to celebrate your birthday? Well, I have a pretty, um, idiosyncratic definition of the word 'celebrate' and what that may or may not entail.
Oh, God, I'm not going away with you for the weekend.
- Well, what about dinner tonight? - No, I can't tonight.
- Why not? - Just can't.
I can't.
Well, what are you doing? What's going What's so important? I've got dinner with Fuzz.
Every Thursday.
It's our thing.
Every Thursday? Since when? Why aren't I invited to these dinners with Fuzz every - I want to come with every Thursday - Because it is our time.
You can have dinner with him any night.
Well, I like Thursdays.
I want to come Thursdays.
And tonight.
Where are you going? Can I come? (Birthday! Birthday!) - Alright, you can come - Good.
.
.
little boy.
There you go.
But he is moving back in.
With us? Cool! So I said to him -- I mean, this is on air, mind you -- "You may call yourself the Leader of the Opposition, "but that's only because every idea you lead "is opposed to decency and proper governance!" After you, milady.
I mean, Davey's a nice-enough prick, I guess.
Don't know what you saw in him, though.
Jeez, he'll never make premier.
He just does not have the nads.
He never had the nads.
Shit.
Really? What? Wow.
So, do you know where we can get some more? Yeah, Jizz Monkey.
I need you to make me a call.
No, I'm gonna need a little bit more this time.
You are Cal McGregor! Hey.
Hey.
Where are you? I'm just about to go into a meeting.
Gav's talking about another book.
Another book? What would that one be about? My treatise on democracy and why it doesn't work.
And why you should be our benevolent dictator? Oh, there's a bestseller right there.
Hey, we need to talk, you know.
Yeah.
Why didn't anyone tell me? They're just waving me into the meeting.
I'll give you a call back in a bit, eh? - What time was that? - That's it, he's out.
Fuck! Hey.
Did you tell Nicole? Nuh.
- Did you tell David? - No.
Oh, we just keep fighting.
And it's no-one's fault.
It's just too hard.
But if I do end things with David, then it won't be because of the other night.
There's no linkage.
No linkage? No.
OK, some linkage.
A little linkage.
Of course there's linkage.
But after everything that's happened, we can't drag the kids through more bullshit and you can't blow off Nicole.
I have no intention of blowing off Nicole.
Sorry, poor choice of words.
I Barney, if we are going to act on this, then that's it.
To the end.
We can never know that.
I know.
Patience.
I've gotta go.
OK.
I've got that big bash tonight, whoo-hoo! OK! I'll call you later.
Hey, don't have too much fun.
Don't worry, I won't.
You're the one Who made my dreams come true A few kisses ago I remember you You're the one who Hey! Ho! Ho, mate! Haven't you heard of knocking? I could have been at it.
Who are you murdering, Cleave? That would be Franky Ifield's much loved classic, my friend .
.
that your grandad used to lure Grandma to the boudoir.
You should be very thankful to that song.
You wouldn't be here if it weren't for that song.
Feeling a little nostalgic tonight, mate.
- Birthday.
- Yes, the birthday.
Yeah, but you don't like birthdays.
Oh, well, this one's a bit different, isn't it? You know, happy times.
You're moving back in.
Three of us out to dinner.
I'm thinking somewhere fancy.
Probably Buon Riccordo, is it? The thing is, Cleave, I don't think I can make it.
What? You remember Justine? The girl I was seeing before Monique? Yeah, no idea, but go on.
Well, she's leaving for Paris tomorrow.
She got into the Sorbonne.
So bon for her.
Well, anyway, her parents are throwing a farewell do, so Yes? And? It's my birthday! I know, but you always just get pissed and turn into a miserable prick on your birthday.
And this is a party her parents are throwing at their place in Palmy, and my ride's leaving soon, so Oh, mate, it's my birthday.
Birthday! Yeah, but Juzzy's leaving Saturday and you'll still be here and that's when your actual birthday is, remember? So I will be around for it.
Mate, you wanna see a prick on his birthday, have a look at me on Saturday.
Yeah, Cleave, come on.
I mean no offence.
No offence taken on my part, mate.
Don't you worry about me.
It's your mum I'm concerned about.
You know, your your special Thursday nights.
Don't think I don't know about them.
What about Thursday nights? Oh, that that bond, that very special bond between mother and son that I'd always thought was unbreakable, but apparently not.
You snap it like a twig and fuck off up to the Northern Beaches with all your Northern Beacher wanky mates.
Whatever you say, Cleave.
They're more inbred up on that peninsula than the royals, mate.
Have a good night.
Billy! He's at the Sheraton! Yeah, you can call off surveillance now.
I need his room number and a key, then you can go home.
Have a good night, Cleave.
See you in the morning.
Oh, yeah, enjoy your fancy Northern Beaches wankers' parties.
Wendy! Yeah? What's going on? Where's my What's going on? Oh, God, he's only been back 15 minutes.
- Where's my stuff? - Look at this! I moved it into the spare room.
May I ask why? Because this is Fuzz's room.
- I thought this was my room.
- Yeah, only when Fuzz is not here.
I'm the Daddy bear.
Why can't I have the big bed? Because this is Fuzz's big bed! I want the big Where am I? I'm not in the spare room?! Yeah, it has a bed.
I I can't I am not now, and have never been, a spare room kind of a guy.
Well, your stuff fitted in very nicely.
Oh, come on.
Not really very good.
What are you calling the spare room? Oh Oh, are you fucking kidding me? You said it was just for a couple of weeks.
I He's 20, right? He can sleep on a bed of burning nails.
I I All he's ever going to use that bed for is to have a wank and fall into a coma.
I have to sleep.
I have important Haven't I earnt a little bit of comfort? Not really, no.
It's up to you, Cleave.
Take it or leave it.
But we've gotta get going in half.
Oh, Jesus wept! Better be bloody Buon Riccordo.
Yeah.
Who the fuck are you? Ruth Ruth, just listen to me.
She's just another part of the plan, trust me.
I can tell you everything.
Plan? What the fuck is going on, Ed? A fucking paralegal? You want to spend your first night of freedom with that? Ruth I have waited and waited and waited for you.
Almost 20 years Ed, get the bitch the fuck out of here! Jesus! Alright, Ruth, just put the gun down and let's talk, hm? OK, let's talk.
And you can tell me everything, Ed, because, well, we've got all the time in the world, haven't we, darling? - Ruth - What did I do? What did I fucking do? Because I used to be a good cop before I met you.
I made my parents proud before I met you.
But I have betrayed everything I believed in for you.
And you you were just using me.
Darling, we just need to make a fresh start.
A fresh start it is.
Hi, it's me.
I know I said you could have the night off but, um .
.
er, we have a little situation.
Not Buon Riccordo, then? Just keep your eyes peeled.
Well, just go in here.
Perfect.
No.
No standing.
Oh, don't worry about that.
The rangers won't be out at this time.
- Yes, they do come out at this time.
- Rubbish.
When was the last time you drove a car? When was the last time you paid a fine? They're not nocturnal.
I've been driving since I was 10 years old.
Yeah, I've got nine points against me from the last three times you borrowed my car.
- Where the fuck are we? - Oh, here we go.
What the fuck is this? We only Oh, not the bowlo.
Not a surprise party! Oh, Wendy! Oh, not a surprise party! Don't spoil it! How can you spoil something that's rancid? - Oh, thank you very much.
- Oh, God! We thought, with you being in hiding, that you might quite like a party this year.
Oh, well, you thought wrong.
God, you can be such a prick! Is it fear of death or fear of getting old? Yes, yes, yes, it's all of the above, alright? I plead guilty.
I'm hitting my Kennedy point, alright? What's your Kennedy point? My Kennedy point! Dying young and looking cool forever.
I mean, what if I live until I'm 90? Oh, trust me, you won't.
Yeah, but what if I do, and then I die, and I'm 90 and there's a picture of me as a 90-year-old in the paper.
Oh, there's not going to be a picture of you in the paper, Cleave.
Oh, God! Cleave, can you try and have a good time? No! No, alright? Every birthday is a kiss farewell to my youth.
Yeah, I think you might have kissed your youth goodbye 15 years ago.
And if I recall correctly, her name was Abigail.
Oh, God.
My sisters! You invited Reagan and Gonorrhoea? Why would you do that? Is anybody good coming? Are there lawyers in here? You know, distinguished colleagues, members of the bar? Are there judges? I don't know, I left that with Barney.
Oh, shit.
Are there gonna be speeches or something? Do I have to make a speech? Yeah.
Barney's going to say a few words.
Barney? Don't let Barney speak.
He'll just talk about how much money I owe him after the fucking picnic basket.
- For fuck's sake, Cleaver! - What? Can you please try and have a good time? I'm asking you nicely.
Come on.
I don't think so, no.
Oh, Wendy, why is it so dark in here? Is there a blackout or something? - What? - Surprise! Oh, what? For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow And so say all of us And so say all of us Oh, yes! With your Northern Beaches bullshit.
Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for the world, Cleave.
- Have a good night.
See ya.
- What? I told you, I'm off to Palmy.
Quick slash then I'm off.
Oh, so still Palmy? "Jason shone the lighthouse beacon onto the ship.
"But the townsfolk realised that the ship was being steered by" T-Rex! Duh, duh-duh, duh.
One of us is still actually eating, you know? Yeah, I've gotta finish these boxes tonight.
School holidays start next Tuesday.
If I don't get it done, it's going to be chaos.
Didn't you bring that box down a few days ago? The Mexican mask.
I remember.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I did.
I mean, I come over here, and you're just you're bringing boxes down and taking them back up again.
It's crazy.
David? The kids, they They hate your guts.
I know.
Are you gonna be OK? Did anyone know about you and him? I mean, apart from me? Do you want to go and get a drink? Uh, no.
- Thanks, Billy, you can go.
- You sure? They're not going to like anyone other than their father, for God knows how long.
You can't just put your life on hold.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I can.
They're my kids.
And I wouldn't understand because I don't have kids, right? Yes.
Well, guess how old I was when my dad bolted? You were six years old.
That's right, I was six years old.
The notion that you have to be a parent in order to understand kids is bullshit.
Because we were all kids once.
I mean, apart from having to breathe, it's the one thing that every person on the planet has in common.
When my mother started dating again, I thought it was the end of the world.
I thought I was Oliver Twist.
You read Dickens when you were six years old? I was in the musical, as a workhouse boy, which didn't help.
Now, I I did everything I could to destroy the few relationships my mother had when I was a boy.
I was a little shit.
She was mine.
That was it, as far as I was concerned.
Now, I'm sure those poor bastards I tormented and drove away were all decent men.
But now she lives all alone in that small house .
.
where you and I used to make love.
You can't scare me into resurrecting whatever it is we think we might have had.
OK.
Let me play the lowest card in the deck.
I love you.
I miss Barney, David.
I'm sorry, but I do.
Many happy returns, Cleave.
Oh, thanks, mate.
See you on the dance floor, mate.
Yeah.
Ahh.
Evening.
Always good to hang out with your old mates.
Isn't it? A lot of criminals here tonight, Barn.
- A lot of serious criminals.
- They're clients.
Clients of longstanding who've come to pay their respects.
You invited a lot of criminals to my birthday.
You're a criminal lawyer.
- As are you.
- Exactly.
So what's your complaint? Ohh.
He raped his brother.
He raped his You invited a brother rapist to my birthday.
He was acquitted.
And we all know how that happened.
There's not a Silk in sight, mate.
There's not a Supreme in sight.
There are two District Court judges here, Cleave.
Two DCs! Wow, mate.
Don't think I don't know what's going on, Barnyard.
I'm on to you.
You are deliberately white-anting my birthday because of this hot-air balloon bullshit.
How dare you think I'd do that! And it's 1.
2 million, Cleave.
It's not something to be sneered at.
Do you know what, mate? Save it for your speech.
Oh, really looking forward to that.
That'll be a happy melange of Dorothy Parker and Truman Capote and a little bit of Dr Goebbels as well.
The world really needs to know what a great hero you are, mate, and what a thoughtless ball sac I am.
- Happy birthday, Cleave.
- Thank you.
Jesus, you two are still at it? - Yeah, well he's - I mean, it was a present, alright? A beautiful balloon ride present, and now it's costing me 600 grand.
Well, I think that he just wants to talk about it.
I can't talk about 600 grand.
I may as well owe the American national debt, or a handful of magical beans.
Look, it's a lovely party.
There is a lot of love in the room.
From the criminal class.
A lot of love from the criminal It's like the fucking Madame Tussaud's of crime in here.
Look at all these faces from our past.
GBH, GB Manslaughter.
There's Oh, break and enter.
- Oh, there's Marvin.
Remember Marvin? - Mm-hm.
Loved to give it a tug in front of nuns.
But it's not just the faces, is it, Nicole? It's the whole merry ambience.
I mean, what a Look at it.
Nothing And for me, nothing says celebration so much as a cash bar with two types of wine, red and white.
Who would have thought? OK.
Speeches! Come on! Apart from his sisters, Lily and Jane, who are with us tonight .
.
I think I've known Cleaver longer than anyone here, for my sins.
I'm sure you all presumed I'd be the one giving the big speech, but there's someone else in this room who's been very close to Cleaver over the last few years, who's really connected with him, touched his heart.
A man of eminence and great wit.
And, of course, a great legal brain.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lincoln Lincoln.
I was surprised and .
.
and honoured and deeply touched when Barney asked me to speak tonight very recently.
And as luck would have it, and as someone who is very close to Cleaver .
.
I prepared something a little earlier.
Oh, just just before I do that, I should explain that you have to imagine that I am Cleaver playing the Lord High Executioner in The Mikado.
And Cleaver is a bit of a fuss pot and has a certain way of going about things which, if you didn't know, it probably wouldn't really make any sense.
But anyway, here we go.
I'll just As some day it may happen That a client must be found I've got a little list I've got a little list A society offender Who might well be underground Who never would be missed Who never would be missed There's the pestilential paparazzo Who wants a photograph Lawyers wearing greasy wigs And irritating laughs And children who stay up too late And get a little fat And gentlemen who shake your hand And shake it just like that And working business ladies Who want cash they do insist And then they say 'Correct!' And always say 'Correct' He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they never would be missed They never would be missed.
I just wanted to say happy birthday to my little brother.
Here's to Cleaver.
To Cleaver! But more importantly, I would like to talk to you tonight about the direction our nation is heading in.
We're living in anxious times, my friends.
Issues of national economic and environmental dilemmas plague us.
We need to have leadership that just doesn't cater to the fringes of society.
We need to have leadership that is strong and understanding.
Leadership that embraces all Australians.
National leadership! That is why I am proud to announce to you all here tonight my candidacy for the Senate, as a candidate for the National Party in the forthcoming federal election.
So, what do you think? Well, I think it's clear now that she no longer poses just a threat to herself, but to the wider community, and we can have her sectioned under the Mental Health Act.
Dad voted for the Nats.
Yes, yes, but Dad also used to talk about how much he loved a Chinky meal.
I mean, he was well ahead of his time in that regard.
Holy shit.
How pissed is she? She's serious, Cleave.
She's running.
And I'm her campaign manager.
Ohh.
Nostradamus was right, after all.
Connie, what have we got? Lydia Gleeson and Edgar Thompson.
OK, Billy, what can you tell me about what happened? Well, the details are sketchy at best, boss.
The bodies were found in a landfill near Lidcombe.
OK, I want forensics combing the scene.
Gotcha.
Ahh.
Yes, thank you.
Wow Wow.
Looking around at all these faces, the faces of my nearest and dearest .
.
oh, you get to see the real meaning, the totality of your existence.
And And Oh, fuck.
I'm s Oh, God.
And like so many things in this life, it makes me think of Yeats.
How many loved your moments of sad grace? And loved your beauty with love False or true But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you And loved the sorrows of your changing face.
Here's to bow-legged women! Bow-legged women! Oh, yeah.
Oh, you helped yourself to my birthday prezzie.
Did you hear Jane's announced she's nominating for the Senate? Jesus.
Holy Mother Mary, pray for us now and at the hour the polls close.
I don't want to have to emigrate.
Nor do I.
So, listen, mate, I know you didn't want to be in a picnic basket on your way to New Zealand, but I honestly can't I can't take on a 600,000 bill I slept with Scarlet.
You're shittin' me.
Look, just for the ease of future conversations, can you not say 'you're shittin' me' if I tell you I fucked either Scarlet or Nicole? 'Cause you say it every time.
Oh.
Oh, fair enough.
Oh, mate.
Last hurrah? I don't think so.
I don't know.
What about Nicole and baby E-I-E-I-O-ain? - Yes, I know.
Fuck! - Oh, fuck! Fuck and fuck.
That's the firm we should start.
I know, or I don't know.
That's the thing.
None of us knows anything.
- None of us knows - None of us is sure about anything.
Rumsfeld knew.
The known unknown or the unknown What was it? The 'unknown known'.
We know we know nothing.
Lincoln Lincoln.
Mikado.
It was a masterstroke, mate.
You knobhead.
You shoved that up my clacker, didn't you? Right up your fuckin' clacker.
Pour me some of that shit.
Yeah, of course, you bastard.
Drink up, you prick.
Ahh.
- Deer Hunter.
- Deer Hunter.
Can't take my eyes off of you You'd be like heaven to touch Oh, I want to hold you so much At long last love has arrived Yeah, well, I think I should probably just go.
OK Talk later.
Oh, pretty baby Don't bring me down, I pray Oh, pretty baby Now that I've found you, stay Oh, Barn.
Oh, no.
Oh, it's a balloon! Oh, Barney, what's going to happen, mate? We're off and away! I'm afraid.
Are you afraid, Barney? Where is it going to take us, huh? Hopefully not New Zealand! Have you slept with Barney recently? Yes.
- When? - Oh, does it matter when? Oh! Oh.
Brava! Senator Greene, huh? After all the things you've said, after all the things we've done.
You know, I said I was prepared to give you time, to give you and the kids time.
It's not a function of time, David.
We're not robots.
Time doesn't guarantee an outcome.
I'm not looking for a guarantee.
I'm just looking for a chance, that's all.
Oh, yes, do you really think people are going to vote for you in the Senate? I'm gonna change this country, Cleaver.
Over my dead body.
In fact, I take this moment to announce my candidacy for my own political party, the My Sister Jane Gets Into The Senate Over My Dead Body Party.
- Huh? - Get fucked! Oh, you get fucked, why don't you? I can't talk about this anymore, OK? I am so sorry, David, but my brain is fried.
I need a break.
I love you, baby And if it's quite alright, I need you, baby To warm my lonely nights I love you, baby Trust in me when I say Oh, pretty We need a break, OK? Jesus Christ, I'm sick of this.
What the fuck is that? I pray, oh, pretty baby Now that I've found you, stay Oh, pretty baby, trust in me When I say I need you, baby Oh, won't you come my way Oh, pretty baby Now that I found you, stay And let me love you, baby Let me love you.
Who the fuck is that? Piss off! There seems to be a lot of wanking going on.
He's a greedy bastard.
He's a meringue.
And you are sleeping on a li-lo in Fuzz's room.
What?! Mama! There is a trend back to a little bit more growth down there now.
A 2.
5cm x 1.
1cm furrow.
Do you want shots of her nude or clothed? No.
No, mate.
Hey! Get that camera out of here!