Rescue Me s04e04 Episode Script
Pussified
Previously on rescue me I'm tired of living with 2 retarded people, one mentally, the other emotionally.
I mean, do you--do you put any thought at all into this relationship? More than you know.
Think tommy'll have to go to jail? I don't know.
I don't think so.
You love him, don't you? It's ok.
He's like a legend at our house, you know.
Everybody tells stories about his saves.
Yeah, he's a real heroic son of a bitch.
Dispatch, dispatch.
10-13.
Officer down.
Dispatch, officer down.
We need an ambulance.
Johnny's dead.
I still think of him, tommy.
Every goddamn day, I-- I think of him.
We all do.
Please, mr.
Gavin, just let me explain.
Explain what, how you kidnapped my daughter? Let me ask you somethin'.
Does that, uh, - nose ring hurt? - No.
No?That's interesting.
Um I told your mother I was bringin' you home.
Let's go.
No!I can't live with your shit anymore! I'm legal, and I'm staying here with someone who loves me and who treats me with respect.
I'm gettin' that kid, all right, and if you try to steal him away from me, I'll use any piece of dirt I can dig up on you or gavin or anyone else in your lowlife goddamn house, anything.
I've got--I'm supposed to be in by 11:00.
I have A What--hey.
Wow, that's fast.
Get out of my truck.
Look, I got some cash.
It's not much, but we could grease somebody's palm.
Jerry, stop.
Time to hang it up.
- So that's it? - Yeah, pretty much.
Put away a couple of bucks.
Maybe move down to hilton head and spend the rest of my days workin' on my handicap.
Michael.
Your mom, she's passed.
Jerry! Come on.
Let's go.
Jerry! Jerry, let's go! Cause of Death: Coronary Failure - Crazy shit, man.
- Yeah.
Jesus.
Yo, tommy, did you call his son, peter? Yeah.
Gonna come back from the honeymoon and be here day after tomorrow.
He just said to go ahead with the cremation and just to do whatever with the ashes.
Did you tell him the truth? I mean, what really happened? No.
I mean, what's the point? If the department starts sniffing around, I don't want him to know the details, you know.
I mean, he's gonna get the benefits, you know.
- True.
- Doesn't make any sense.
Jesus christ, jerry! Shit.
There's no other way? You know, you just don't get it, franco.
No, you're damn right we don't, lou! - Come on.
- You know why? You know why you don't get it? Because-- because you're young, and the future is your friend, you know, and your eyes work, and your cocks work, and the way you guys think, you're gonna be on the job forever, eatin' smoke, and it don't work that way, boys.
Ok, so if I get a little older or a little sick, I should just kill myself? - Is that what I'm supposed to do? - You know what? It was jerry's life, and he was unhappy, and he made a choice, and obviously it was a pretty severe choice, but you wanna know somethin'? I give the guy all the respect I have for going out on his own terms.
Yeah, well, I don'T.
I think he was a goddamn coward.
- Watch it, franco.
- Hey, I'm just sayin' how I feel, lou.
- You hear this shit? - Yeah.
Think I kind of agree with him.
Well, then screw you, too.
No.
He was a coward.
Watch it, tom, ok.
He was afraid, afraid of workin' behind that desk down at headquarters for the next 5 or-- Oh, come on, tom.
That's your excuse for the guy? - He--he was a-- - Shut up, asshole.
What do you got, 8 years on the job? - No, I was standin' right next to-- - Shut up! Christ almighty.
You know how much he hated bein' the chief? Watchin' us run into jobs while he stood outside? But he did it.
You know why? So he could teach assholes like you and you what the job was really about.
When he was working up in the bronx when the bronx was burning, huh, you ever hear about those days? They'd get 10, 12, 14 jobs a night, shithead.
He ran into a job one time up on 279th street.
He pulled 3 kids in wheelchairs out in somethin' like 15 minutes.
You know why?'Cause the rest of his crew was busy bringin' old people out.
Was a cold-storage warehouse fire one time up there, and, uh, the-- the chief on the job that night shut the job down 'cause it was too hot for humans.
You know what jerry did? He ran around the side of the building, went in a side door, pulled out 2 drunken assholes, ends up the 2 same assholes who started the goddamn fire, and he was workin' then without a mask, runnin' in and out of the building with a cigar danglin' out of his mouth.
You wanna talk about bein' brave and who's a coward and who's not a coward? Suck my cock.
Wanna talk about bein' brave.
Maybe workin' up in the bronx used up all the goddamn brave he had.
Proudly Presents Season 4 Episode 04 "Pussified" Engine trouble? - Hey.
- Hey.
You ok, there, sweetheart? Yeah.
Just, uh, it won't turn over.
I think it's the carburetor.
I Yeah.
No, it's not the carburetor.
I'm pretty sure it's the carburetor.
Yeah.
No, there's no carburetor in this car.
It's fuel-injected.
Gimme a sec, and I'll go get my code reader.
Code - Hey, tom.
- Hey.
Hey.
- What's wrong? - You fix it? Um, almost.
Uh, just Yeah, was it the carburetor? carburetor it doesn't have a carburetor, assholes.
- fuel-injected.
- really? Well, listen, mr.
Goodwrench, jimmy the jew witnessed your little father knows best routine with colleen the other night.
Yeah.
That's gonna seriously hamper us gettin' the black probie.
We--we don't-- - what am i supposed to do? - We gotta do somethin'.
Otherwise, you're playin' basketball, and that's somethin' I don't wanna see.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Out of my way, boys.
It'll take me 2 seconds.
Hey, did you guys take my code reader out of my locker? 'Cause that's the last place I saw it.
- Code reader? - Yeah.
Hey, here.
Let me give you a hand with that.
Um, wow.
This is a lot different than mine.
- Mine's, uh - Not real? No.
I don't wanna get in your way.
It's your machine, so Wow.
That's awesome.
Thanks.
I know how I am with my code reader.
Well, all right.
So, I decided I'm gonna give you another chance since you were so thoroughly pussified the other night on our first date.
- Pussified? - Yeah.
He had to be in by 11:00.
And then I went to kiss him, and he just kept talking through the kiss, and I've-- I've actually never have had that happen before.
I was talking before you came in for the kiss.
You were on your way in, and I was, like, midsentence, and that's--you-- when you made contact.
Wow, you must've really had somethin' important to say, huh? We were--we had a discussion going on.
- We were having-- - Oh.
Oh, look, unless you were talking about a cure for cancer, - you're gonna lose this argument.
- Yeah.
All right, fellas, promise me something.
If he misses the date that I'm about to him offer him, please bust his balls forever.
If he misses the date, it's a ball-busting bonanza.
- Just like I thought.
- What? You have a pinched vacuum line.
- Oh, you know, I-- - These are--these are so pretty.
I thought it was pinched.
Ok.
Yeah.
It's nice.
All right.
Well, turn it over.
- Ah, very nice.
- Very impressive.
Nice work.
He actually thought this thing had a carburetor.
Carburetor.
What an asshole.
- What? - What? All right, so we're on, right? - yup.
- For tonight? - Yeah.
- No excuses.
- No.
- Right?I'm pickin' you up.
See ya, princess.
- All right.
- First stop.
Ok.
What's it gonna take to keep the princess thing quiet? Hey.
Don't--don't you start.
Listen, do you know what you're doin' to your mother, huh? Do you have any idea? Huh? Not to mention me.
And your baby sister, who you're setting a horrible example for.
- Stop.
- Stop what? I came here to talk to you.
I'm not gonna stop.
- You're making it worse, dad.
- I'm making it worse.
How much worse can it get? Huh? - Dad.
- What? I'm in love with him.
You're in love with him.
Do you wanna talk, or what? Well, what--what am I supposed to do here? Buy us something.
So you're blackmailing me.
Ok, you know what?Stop just lecturing me and do something practical.
We need a lot a stuff.
Tony's in a band.
He doesn't make a lot of money.
I'll buy you a couple of lamps, and you call me and your mother every 2 or 3 days.
Yeah, ok, that'll cost you a couple more than lamps.
Just-- gotta buy us a bed, too.
I'll buy you 2 lamps and a-- and a bed, and you call me and your mother every 2 or 3 days.
Deal.
What the hell's on the back of your pants? Well, that was fun.
Yeah.
You know, I'm more of a darts guy, really, than a pool guy.
It probably explains the, uh, ass beating you gave me on the pool table.
I mean, not that I--you know, I mean, I--I can Yeah? Handle myself.
Hey.
Oh.
Wow.
- I didn't, um-- - Stop talking.
No.
I--just wanted to say how soft your - Stop.
- Jeans--ok.
yeah.
Uh Oh, yeah.
- This workin' for you? - Yeah.
You sure about that? Yeah, yeah.
Just - what? - No, it's not.
No, it's just gonna take a couple more minutes.
That's all.
- No, it's not.
- No.
You're sure that you, uh-- you pulled me out of that fire, right? - No.
- Really? Yeah, it was, uh--it was 4 of us.
We dragged you out and, uh-- - actually, I didn't even do anything.
- Really? Yeah, and then--then I yelled dibs to give you mouth to mouth, because your lips were just so luscious, and you're just so hot.
You hard yet? No, because I--I think you're lyin' to me.
You were lying to me.
I knew it.
You know, zip up.
Get out.
- Should I call you? - No! Just--just go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's it going? Just another wonderful day joined at the hip with the screamer.
Got him.
Got him.
Got him.
Got him.
Hey.
Oh, my god.
Why does he do that? I don't know.
I was expecting you home hours ago.
Yeah.
I, uh-- I stopped to talk to colleen.
- You did? - Yeah.
You know, I just-- I don't know.
I thought I'd--I'd stop by and have a conversation, and I ended buying my way back into a semi-relationship.
Yeah, I made a purchase for her and nose-ring boy, but she did end up talkin' to me, so-- still thinkin' that she's my, uh, little girl, which of course I know she's not, but Ohh.
I know.
I know what you mean.
Um, you hungry? I could eat.
Ok.
I have some leftover lasagna.
What's goin' on? - Daddy.
- What'd you do? - I cut myself.
- Ok.
Let me see.
All right, what were you doin'? I was cutting some construction paper.
- With the big girl scissors, right? - Well, yeah.
Honey, I know that you're a big girl, but what did I say? Even big girls sometimes use the little girl scissors, because they're just not as sharp.
Right? Here.
All fixed.
You forgot something.
What? Ok.
- Thank you, daddy.
- All right.
Your food's ready.
Come sit.
At least I can still kiss a boo-boo away.
Talent I didn't know that I still had, but apparently I do.
What? I think that it's really sweet that you went to see colleen, you made that effort.
Well, well, you know, I You're a good dad.
I'm--I'm all right.
Ok, I'm just gonna--I'm gonna say it and put it out there.
Ok, you can laugh, whatever, but, um, for katy's sake and for his sake, maybe we should try again.
How--how would we, um I don't know.
I mean, maybe we could see someone, you know, a therapist, and get them to assess our relationship and see if it makes any sense for us starting again.
Yeah.
I--you know, I mean, if-- I'm willing to try it.
Ok.
Let's do it.
What? What? Ahh, just that little exchange kind of got the, uh, engine runnin'.
We have kids in the room.
Right.
Right.
Ok.
Where am I? What's that? - Oh, this? - Yeah.
A bottle of vodka.
Found it sittin' behind the toilet.
- Well, is it empty? - No.
Then leave it there.
The next time I'm on the can and I want a drink, I don't want to have to reach back and come up empty.
Ohh.
Oh, my head.
What's your problem? You came home blitzed out of your mind last night, and I had a nice dinner ready for us, and you pass out, ok? You think maybe you're-- you're drinkin' a little too much, maggie? - Am I drinking right now? - No.
Then that answers that.
And don't move my babies, sean.
- There are others? - Yeah.
There's one under my side of the bed for after sex.
There's one in the computer drawer for when I'm on the computer, and there's-- there's one right here for when I'm watching tv.
You know what? I'm really tired of being married to an alcoholic, ok? You need help.
You're a drunk.
And you're an idiot, but i don't rake you over the coals for it.
My being an idiot is not a choice.
And neither is my being a drunk.
It's genetic.
If it bothers you, talk to my father.
I want a divorce.
Things gotta change around here, or i want a divorce, ok? I am so sick and tired o-of you living in some drunken parallel universe while I'm back here on planet earth trying to make this marriage work.
You want a divorce, I'll give you a divorce.
It's the least I could do for all the trouble I've caused you, sean.
You've got yourself a divorce.
No, no, no, wait.
I--I had a whole speech planned, maggie.
I was just gettin' started.
I-- I-- parallel universe, blah, blah blah.
Planet earth.
I mean, it takes--you know, it takes two to tango, maggie.
- Is that a crib sheet, sean? - Yeah.
This relationship is never gonna work.
I'm done.
I'll have my cousin eddie draw up the papers.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit.
Uh, vomiting.
Next on my list, by the way.
Vomiting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Surprise! - Hey.
Surprise.
- What's goin' on? - Got a little baby gift.
- Oh.
Cool.
- Yeah.
Um, did eddie call you? I didn't check my cellphone.
Why? Then I am also the bearer of good news.
Um, the insurance company is settling! - Oh, really?Wow.
- Yeah.
They're gonna cut us a check by the end of the week, and we are also off the hook in terms of that whole, uh, going to jail and shit.
That's awesome.
That's great.
I know.
Great.
Well, thanks.
Oh.
Is it safe? It's not, really.
Janet just ran to the store-- she's gonna be back in, like, maybe 5 minutes.
What are you--wait.
- I just wanna look at him.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You remember troy.
Troy.
Sorry.
Hey.
How you doin'? - Great.
- Yeah? - Cool jeans.
- What? Cool jeans.
- Great.
- Be careful.
Oh, my--look at--he's so gorgeous.
He's the most gorgeous little thing I've ever seen.
- Aw, look at that.
- Give me that.
G-star? G-star? - What? - The jeans.
G-star.
I don't know.
My wife gets them for me.
Yeah.
Cute, right? He's so cute.
Yeah, and I--really, I gotta get him down for his nap.
Oh, no, no, no.
He just woke up.
No, but he--he--he takes 2 naps, one right after the other.
It's--you ask any doctors.
It's a big thing now.
It's called double-napping.
The first nap is like a nap nap, and the second one's like a power nap, so can I--come on.
Give him to me.
Got, uh, something to drink? No.
That's why my wife went to the store, because Oh, that's fine.
I'll have water.
Water.
You want water.
There's water.
Why don't you help yourself to the water.
- Come on, before-- - Don'T.
Get off.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Look.
Sheila dropped by.
This is, uh, sheila's new boyfriend, uh, derek.
Derek? Dennis.
I'm sorry.
Dennis.
- Troy.
- Troy.
- This is troy.
- Troy.
And they, uh--they brought a, uh, gift for the baby.
It's just like a--I don't know what it is.
So you two seem to be getting along famously.
Oh, yeah.
I have the baby magic.
- Ok.
- Oh, no, no.
- Yeah.
- No, let me take the baby.
Hold it.
Ok, let go of auntie sheila's hair.
- No.
- There we go.
Aw, he gets a little cranky at lunch.
Um, it's time for his nap.
- No, he just had it.
- Yeah, no, his second nap.
It's the power nap.
Tommy told me-- No, no.
I said he was hungry.
That's what I said.
Here.
Here.
Here you go.
A soda.
Did you guys come up with a name yet? No.
No.
Not yet.
We're still workin' on that.
- How about derek? - What? Derek.
Great name.
Yeah, that's totally weird that you guys haven't come up with a name.
- Well-- - I bet you think that's weird.
Here.
Why don't--can I just-- let me help you.
Hi, boo-boo.
Honey, the--the, um, insurance company settled the suit, - so that's good news.
- That's, uh, wonderful news.
Yeah.
G-star? What? The jeans on this guy.
G-star? I--I don't remember.
Ok, um, you know what? Let me just--I'll take the baby.
Ok, thank you so much for the good news and the gifts, and it was very nice meeting you, dennis.
Oh, it--uh Honey That's J Hon.
Um, that baby hates her.
He has gas.
So, tommy, um, you are-- you're kind of like a hero to, uh, me and a lot of the guys at my house.
Yeah? And, uh, you did a-- a bucket-leap rescue a few years back.
I've done quite a few of 'em, yeah.
Yeah, well, this one in particular, we saved the clipping from.
It's on our board in the kitchen and everything.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
I was just wondering if maybe you could do me the favor of signing it for us.
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Yeah, he loves you.
- He talks about you-- - That's not--we don't need to-- ok.
That's just.
What do you want it to say? Um, "to troy" Yeah.
Um, "and everybody at oyster cove your buddy, tommy.
" All right.
What are you doing? Hey.
Hey.
Just wanted to feel the material.
- It's jeans.
- You know what? We gotta go, because I actually forgot to put quarters in the meter, - so we're gonna-- - Yeah.
Ok.
- Whatever.
- Ok.
Come on.
- Can I take the-- - Yeah, yeah.
Tommy.
Thanks.
It's great.
Mikey, what the hell's the matter with you? Mikey? You ok? Mikey? I'm a grown man.
I don't-- I don't even know how to use a dryer.
She did everything for me, you know, guys, and I never even thanked her.
I mean, I thanked her.
You know, like, I said, "thanks, mom," but they were just words.
I didn't really mean it, you know? I just said it so she'd do it again, like make my bed or cook me breakfast or pick out my clothes.
Lou, you make one gay joke, and I swear-- Mikey, I'm not gonna make a gay joke.
What, then? It's all right.
Can't believe you, uh, ahem, didn't make one gay joke during that whole little monologue.
Well, jesus, tom.
Kid just lost his mother, you know? Can we not give him a little bit of time? All right.
So first thing tomorrow morning? Oh, yeah.
We attack at dawn.
- Oh, ok.
- Engine.
How many gay jokes do you think you have? Oh, I got, like, a dozen right in the bag.
Hey, you guys know they cremated, uh, jerry's body today.
- Yeah.
- Where should we put him, guys? I don't know.
Someplace appropriate.
I say we put him in the can.
Well, what about the gambling money? Not that can, asshole.
I'm talkin' about the shitter.
I say stall number one.
I think that was always his personal favorite.
Yeah, well, except it's my favorite, too, and what if I wanna take a shit in there? I may not want the chief staring at me, making my ass tighten up.
Well, then, young mr.
Garrity, I would suggest you load up on bran.
- Yeah.
- Maybe prune juice.
- Yeah.
- Why?Does that make you shit? Guys.
Yeah, prune juice makes you shit.
Tommy, where you takin' us? There it is, guys, down there.
See it? - Round the corner.
- Aw, yeah.
All right, ladder 62 to battalion.
We've got some, uh, medium smoke up here on 2.
Yeah.
- It's seepin' out, boys.
- Here she is.
- You got this, franco? - Here's that bitch.
- I got it.
- Jesus holy christ.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna need a line up here.
- All right.
- Shit.
Run a line up on 2, chief.
Thank you.
I'll get a line in to you.
Where are you? - All right, where are we now? - Franco, you got it? Yeah.
Say again.
- You know where you're goin'? - Yeah, yeah.
Jesus christ.
Where are you?! - Ok, where are we now? - It's this way.
It's straight.
No, no, no, no, no.
Right here.
Follow me.
I'm gettin' the feeling a giant piece of cheese is about to Yeah.
Fall on my head at the end of this maze.
Get the door.
I don't think that's right.
Oh, shit.
Goddamn bitch.
Come on.
Get your ass out, boys.
All right, boys.
Shit.
Goddamn knee.
- You all right? - Ahh.
Yeah.
Goddamn it.
All right, boys.
Are we all right? Hang on.
Hang on.
Hold on.
Tommy's knee.
Are we good to go? One second.
Let's go.
Come on.
Let's get the hell at it.
Goddamn it, somebody copy.
Yeah, ladder 62 to battalion.
We need some lines up here.
Run some lines right away.
I'll get a line in to you.
Where are you? Up to the left.
- To the left.
To the left.
- Yeah, yeah.
Guys, where are you? - Yeah, nothin'.
- Shit.
How 'bout down there? Where the hell are we? Guys, I'm runnin' out of air.
- You are? - Yeah.
Shit.
Got about 10 minutes left in this tank.
We gotta get the hell out of here.
Come on.
Wanna check down that hall? What do you got, tom? Tommy, find me somethin', - 'cause we ain't got shit down here.
- Franco, how's your air? - I'm runnin' low.
How's it goin'? Franco's got low air.
Guys, hang on.
- Aw, christ.
- You all right? Are you all right? He lost his tank.
Oh, goddamn it.
Come on.
Get it off.
- You all right, t? - Yeah.
- Can you breathe? - Goddamn.
I screwed up my knee.
- All right.
- Aw, shit.
You all right to walk? - We gotta get out of here.
- All right.
Let's go.
- I got no air.
- All right.
Aw, shit.
Talk to me, tommy.
- Hang on.
- Back the way we came.
All right, all right.
We good? Yeah.
Uh, down here.
Yeah.
Guys, where are you? I got it.
I got it.
Aw, thank god.
Aw, goddamn it.
I lost a glove.
- Where the hell are we? - I don't know.
Aw, man.
We're officially lost right now.
- Shit! - we were here before.
- Where the hell are we?! - I don't know.
Where's mikey? - What? - What? Where's mikey? - Where the hell is he? - I thought he was with you guys.
- Mikey! - Mikey! All right, all right.
Siletti, where are you?! Calm down.
Calm down.
Check around here.
See if that's a way out.
Hey, see if that's the way out.
- No? - Nothin'.
Nothin'.
- Got him on the walkie? - Talk to me, tom.
Somebody copy.
Aw, christ.
It's worse down here, guys.
Place is like a maze.
I think it's out this way, so everybody get low.
- Yeah.
- Get low! - Oh, shit.
- Should i send somebody in? Wait, tom.
Tom, it's not right.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Listen.
Listen.
Here.
- Let's go.
- Ok, down there.
Answer me, goddamn it! We got one! - Walk away from the door.
- Move away from the door.
De la puerta.
- Oh, shit.
- Aw, christ.
Jesus.
I don't know, tommy.
Looks like her water broke.
Franco, what is she sayin'? She's sayin' she's droppin' for real.
This baby's comin' right now.
Guys, we got 2 minutes before this room is engulfed in flames.
We got 2 minutes.
We gotta get her out of here.
Seano, help us out here.
Let's see what's goin' on there, will ya? You're not squeamish, are you? No.
I don't-- I don't think so.
Check it out.
No te preocupes.
Esta bien.
Aw, great.
That's perfect.
So goddamn dependable.
Tommy, you get down here.
You take care of this.
Put that under her head.
All right.
Go ahead.
Take a look.
No, go ahead.
Go ahead.
You-- you got kids.
What--I didn't deliver my kids.
Come on.
I know nothin' about birthin' no babies.
Come on.
You do it.
- I'll be right here.
- That's--that's great.
I'll be right here.
I'll-- I'll assist.
I'm here for the assist.
Go ahead.
Oh, god.
All right, push, push, push, push, push.
You got it? It's gonna be fine, ma'am.
It's gonna be fine.
All right.
All right, here's the baby.
Oh, my god.
All right, hold this-- hold still.
Hold still.
Ok.
Got it.
Got it.
Hold still.
Ahh.
All right, the cord is cut.
You're gonna be fine.
Guys!Let's go, guys! I got a search line! - Probie! - Yes! Let's go, guys.
Grab the baby.
Franco, you got her.
Sean, up.
Huh? Come on.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
- We're ok? - Come on.
Yeah, we're fine.
- We're all right? - Yeah, we're fine.
- Is the baby good? - The baby's fine.
They're naming it after you, ok? What?They're namin' the baby sean? No, they're naming it dickhead.
Let's go.
So thank you for squeezing us in.
I know that you're probably busy.
No worries.
So, what can I help you with? Well, uh, we're not really married.
You know, we sort of-- we're sort of split up.
Yeah, a couple times, but-- But we--we've never really made the divorce final.
- Um, so we're sort of at a crossroads.
- Yeah, crossroads.
And we're thinking of maybe making another attempt to save the marriage.
- Great.
- Yeah.
So why don't you give me a little recent family history so I know what we're dealing with.
- Um, high school sweethearts.
- That's true.
Yeah.
Um, dated, had sex, got pregnant, got married.
- Blah blah blah.
- Yeah.
The early years were good Yeah, pretty good.
I thought they were great.
Well Then we kind of drifted apart.
He was always emotionally absent because of his job.
I'm a firefighter, so you have to keep all emotions and all that crap at bay, you know.
You know, so he would work all day and come home, but he wouldn't talk about work.
Yeah, this-- And I felt closed off, and i didn't feel like having sex.
Yeah.
This went on for a while.
- Yeah, 7 1/2 years.
- Shit, really? - Yeah.
- Can I say, "shit"? - Uh, that's fine.
- Yeah.
Shit.
So, um, we split up, and then he rented the place across the street from us so he could be near the kids, and, um, also to keep an eye on me to watch who I was dating.
Yeah.
You should have seen that group of guys.
Couple of winners in there, like that guy roger.
Oh, yeah, who swore that you tried to burn his face off on your stove.
I--I can't even--I don't even cook, ok, so I don't know what he's talkin' about.
Anyway, she takes the kids, the furniture, the money, everything, goes to ohio, ok? That's not--not a good moment, but I came back.
Yeah.
I tracked her down.
- Yes, and I came back.
- Yeah.
You came back.
And then he decided to start dating the widow of his cousin who died in 9/11.
- Ok.
- Yeah.
And then she gopregnant.
Ok, I didn't decide.
It just happened, ok? - Didn't decide.
- Ok, what are we, grade 6? She--she either had a miscarriage, or she had an abortion.
I don't know which.
But anyway, she didn't have that baby.
She's a little But then she got pregnant because she was sleeping with my--my brother, but I'm pretty sure that's my baby, because we were having an affair while she was having the affair with my now dead brother.
And then, um, our son was killed by a drunk driver.
Yeah, and who my uncle, um, then shot.
You might've read about that.
That was in the papers and stuff.
And the rape.
Right.
But we don't-- we don't have time to go into that right now.
So we've been through a lot.
But, you know, we feel like there's still some - Passion.
- Passion left, so So what do you think? One second.
Uh, dick, don weiss.
You got me, almost.
God, I almost fell for it, you rotten bastard, but then it just went way over the top.
I mean, it just got a little too crazy with the dead son and the killing of the drunk driver, and the-- really? Don't mess with me, dick.
Really? I'll call you later.
I, uh--you know, I don't really have the kind of time that you're gonna need.
Hey.
How's it goin' on the jimmy the jew front? You know, it doesn't make sense.
I mean, the guy's a total shit stain.
There should be stories galore.
What do you got so far? He put an addition onto his kitchen without the proper permits.
He's got a half a dozen unpaid parking tickets.
He's got a D.
U.
I.
From about 10 years ago.
The rumor is he strangled his neighbor's dog for crapping on his lawn.
Jesus, without the kitchen thing, that could be me.
- Or me.
- You got nothing, lou.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
I'm going over there later.
I'm gonna confront him, and either I find something good by then, or I'm just gonna start makin' shit up.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
How's it going, kid? Yeah, not so good.
Well, well, well.
Franco.
Look, I should let you know right now that I'll want to continue working, and I'm keeping my maiden name.
This is a honey.
This must've set you back, huh? When'd you get that? Last night after work.
Sold my goddamn jeep to get it.
And yet somehow it didn't find its way onto a finger.
Yeah.
I just--I don't know, ken.
You know, I-I'm really conflicted.
I mean, the closer I get to getting toasted on this job, the more I end up thinkin' about natalie and how much I love her more than any other girl before, and it's all romantic and everything, but on the other hand, it's marriage.
I'm shittin' my pants.
Which tends to ruin the romance part you mentioned earlier.
I mean what do I know about marriage? Hey, look, you know, what does anybody know? But you know what?You want to take the plunge, you do a little quick and easy research.
You go to someone who's happily married, get his take on it.
Go to someone who's not happily married.
Let him weigh in.
And what about you, lou? You were married, right? Yeah, to a dirty, filthy, little, bloodsucking whore.
I promise you, you're gonna wanna jump out of a goddamn window.
You know, you're gonna wake up one morning.
I mean, I don't wanna compare, you know, natalie to maggie, 'cause maggie's insane.
She's a psychopath.
But, natalie, you know, you never know-- - Hey.
- Who-- Hey.
What are you guys talkin' about? Hey, we were just--we were just talkin' about marriage.
You're talkinto him about marriage? Yeah.
This is the guy who's married to my lunatic sister.
You know what? She wants a divorce.
You were warned, ok? Take a hike.
Go.
- We're talking-- - Take a walk.
Jesus christ.
What, are you lookin' for-- I'm just looking for a positive take on marriage, tommy, but apparently I'm out of luck, huh? Well, no, actually, you're not.
I'm the perfect guy for you right now.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I mean, all these years, I been talkin' about janet and how crazy she is and how illogical and nonsensical and how she never, ever's gonna be satisfied with anything.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, and it turns out, uh, I was right.
- Really? - Yeah.
But it's not just her.
It's pretty much all women.
That's what I--yeah.
But the problem is I was approaching it the wrong way.
Yeah.
I was thinkin' about, you know, me and sex and-- by the way, the sex thing is the key.
It's-- sex really has nothin' to do with marriage.
It's tits, ass, sex.
Just throw that out the window.
The key stuff is listening.
You gotta be able to listen and-- and have long conversations that you remember.
Um, hugging.
- Hugging? - Yeah.
Hugging is a big one.
Um, buying furniture and, uh, what's the other one? Spooning.
Yeah.
Ok, now let me get this straight.
You, ok, tommy gavin, one of the all-time, hall-of-fame-type pussy hounds in the history of the F.
D.
N.
Y.
In my opinion, you are tellin' me that I should forget about ass, forget about tits, forget about sex, and focus on, uh, caring and sharing and listening and-- and hugging and-- - Sp-spooning.
- Right.
I mean, this is, uh-- this is what's makin' your marriage work? Yup.
That and the fact that my dick apparently doesn't work with any other women.
It really sucks.
But you know, if I were you, I'd pull the trigger as fast as I can, pal.
Get yourself hitched.
What do you want? I wanna talk to you about a couple things.
- Can I come in? - No.
What do you want? What, are you rummaging through your hitler memorabilia again? Not funny.
Hey, is that mike merrit's car over there? Yeah.
His brother lives across the street.
- Why?What? - Small world.
I think he's about to get a ticket.
Hey, I'm serious.
Hey.
You goin' home, bro? Uh, yeah, in a little bit.
Listen, uh, you mind if i stay with you for a couple days? Why? Well, you know, you've been feelin' kinda bad, and you know, you're all alone in that big house.
I thought it be kind of scary for you, maybe I'd come and hang out with you, you know, lift your spirits a little.
That's really cool, sean.
I forgot, like, what a good friend you can be.
Plus I might be getting a divorce.
You name me one firefighter in town who doesn't have at least a half dozen parking tickets outstanding at any one given time.
Oh, uh, how about this nice little addition you put on to your kitchen without getting one single permit? So you're telling me all the construction jobs you do with your crew on the side, you got all the proper permits for those? Oh, goddamn it, jimmy.
I want that probie.
You guys have a solid basketball team.
You've won 5 out of the last 8 division championships.
Well, then share the wealth a little bit? Where's your sense of sportsmanship? I never heard of it.
Get out.
Well, can't blame a guy for trying.
- Bless you.
- Thanks.
All right, look.
One--one last final offer, ok? Your roof could use some serious repairs, ok? You hand me over the probie, I'll come over here with my crew, brand-new roof.
It's not gonna cost you one penny.
How's that? Bless you.
Bless you.
Thank you.
And how are we today, mrs.
Merrit? Fine.
Just a little chilly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'd imagine.
Um, look, I'm gonna go back, uh, to the firehouse.
I gotta find a locker for my new probie.
Bye now.
- Mrs.
Merrit.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Oh.
Are those for me? Yep.
What's, um--hey-- goin' on? Well, um, and this is for you.
Where, um--where's katy? Uh, katy's at a pajama party.
And I gave him a jameson- benadryl combo.
A teaspoon of each, and we're down and out.
Had a little jamedryl.
Um, ok.
Uh, jesus christ.
What's wrong, honey? Nothin'.
There's, uh, not a heck of a lot goin' on down there.
No.
Wait.
- Shit.
- Oh, my god.
This is it.
This is the end of the line.
Wh-what? Yeah.
No, I've heard about this.
- All right, but what-- - honey-- Tommy, you have never, ever not gotten it up for me.
Honey.
Just--I--we just need to-- what? Tommy.
I get wet.
You get hard.
You get hard.
I get wet.
That's the deal.
I know.
And that's been the deal for 20-some years.
It may as well have been our marriage vows.
I know.
I know.
So I just came home.
I just--you know-- what? My cousin suzy.
- Oh, jesus christ.
- Yes.
Yes.
She woke up one morning, and her husband just didn't have it for her anymore.
Honey, she gained 75 pounds in 6 months.
- She wasn't even pregnant, ok? - That's not the point.
- What's the point? - The point is it's done.
That--that thing, that chemistry, we don't have that thing anymore.
- You don't have that thing for me anymore.
- I do.
My thing is just having a-- You have never not gotten hard for me.
It's just--I--it's not you.
- It's not? - It's just some kind of--no.
It's some--I don't know, mental thing.
It happened the other night.
- I'm sure it's just a-- - Excuse me? - What? - What?The other night? The other night.
You--you fell asleep.
He was still up.
I put him to bed.
I'm sitting out here by myself.
I'm horny.
You're asleep.
So I'm watchin', uh, cinemax.
And, uh, that movie with, uh, um-- what's her name?She looks like you.
Michelle pfeiffer and peter gallagher.
You know what?I cannot believe that you are trying to have sex with someone else when we're going through this.
Honey, she basically attacked me.
Shit.
Ok, hang on, pal.
It was that chick who saved me in the fire.
I-- she's a brute.
I think she's on steroids.
Honey.
Can you pass me out the benadryl? It's over.
You know it.
okay I got you, I got you.
Yeah, yeah.
I know.
I know.
Proudly Presents Season 4 Episode 04 "Pussified"
I mean, do you--do you put any thought at all into this relationship? More than you know.
Think tommy'll have to go to jail? I don't know.
I don't think so.
You love him, don't you? It's ok.
He's like a legend at our house, you know.
Everybody tells stories about his saves.
Yeah, he's a real heroic son of a bitch.
Dispatch, dispatch.
10-13.
Officer down.
Dispatch, officer down.
We need an ambulance.
Johnny's dead.
I still think of him, tommy.
Every goddamn day, I-- I think of him.
We all do.
Please, mr.
Gavin, just let me explain.
Explain what, how you kidnapped my daughter? Let me ask you somethin'.
Does that, uh, - nose ring hurt? - No.
No?That's interesting.
Um I told your mother I was bringin' you home.
Let's go.
No!I can't live with your shit anymore! I'm legal, and I'm staying here with someone who loves me and who treats me with respect.
I'm gettin' that kid, all right, and if you try to steal him away from me, I'll use any piece of dirt I can dig up on you or gavin or anyone else in your lowlife goddamn house, anything.
I've got--I'm supposed to be in by 11:00.
I have A What--hey.
Wow, that's fast.
Get out of my truck.
Look, I got some cash.
It's not much, but we could grease somebody's palm.
Jerry, stop.
Time to hang it up.
- So that's it? - Yeah, pretty much.
Put away a couple of bucks.
Maybe move down to hilton head and spend the rest of my days workin' on my handicap.
Michael.
Your mom, she's passed.
Jerry! Come on.
Let's go.
Jerry! Jerry, let's go! Cause of Death: Coronary Failure - Crazy shit, man.
- Yeah.
Jesus.
Yo, tommy, did you call his son, peter? Yeah.
Gonna come back from the honeymoon and be here day after tomorrow.
He just said to go ahead with the cremation and just to do whatever with the ashes.
Did you tell him the truth? I mean, what really happened? No.
I mean, what's the point? If the department starts sniffing around, I don't want him to know the details, you know.
I mean, he's gonna get the benefits, you know.
- True.
- Doesn't make any sense.
Jesus christ, jerry! Shit.
There's no other way? You know, you just don't get it, franco.
No, you're damn right we don't, lou! - Come on.
- You know why? You know why you don't get it? Because-- because you're young, and the future is your friend, you know, and your eyes work, and your cocks work, and the way you guys think, you're gonna be on the job forever, eatin' smoke, and it don't work that way, boys.
Ok, so if I get a little older or a little sick, I should just kill myself? - Is that what I'm supposed to do? - You know what? It was jerry's life, and he was unhappy, and he made a choice, and obviously it was a pretty severe choice, but you wanna know somethin'? I give the guy all the respect I have for going out on his own terms.
Yeah, well, I don'T.
I think he was a goddamn coward.
- Watch it, franco.
- Hey, I'm just sayin' how I feel, lou.
- You hear this shit? - Yeah.
Think I kind of agree with him.
Well, then screw you, too.
No.
He was a coward.
Watch it, tom, ok.
He was afraid, afraid of workin' behind that desk down at headquarters for the next 5 or-- Oh, come on, tom.
That's your excuse for the guy? - He--he was a-- - Shut up, asshole.
What do you got, 8 years on the job? - No, I was standin' right next to-- - Shut up! Christ almighty.
You know how much he hated bein' the chief? Watchin' us run into jobs while he stood outside? But he did it.
You know why? So he could teach assholes like you and you what the job was really about.
When he was working up in the bronx when the bronx was burning, huh, you ever hear about those days? They'd get 10, 12, 14 jobs a night, shithead.
He ran into a job one time up on 279th street.
He pulled 3 kids in wheelchairs out in somethin' like 15 minutes.
You know why?'Cause the rest of his crew was busy bringin' old people out.
Was a cold-storage warehouse fire one time up there, and, uh, the-- the chief on the job that night shut the job down 'cause it was too hot for humans.
You know what jerry did? He ran around the side of the building, went in a side door, pulled out 2 drunken assholes, ends up the 2 same assholes who started the goddamn fire, and he was workin' then without a mask, runnin' in and out of the building with a cigar danglin' out of his mouth.
You wanna talk about bein' brave and who's a coward and who's not a coward? Suck my cock.
Wanna talk about bein' brave.
Maybe workin' up in the bronx used up all the goddamn brave he had.
Proudly Presents Season 4 Episode 04 "Pussified" Engine trouble? - Hey.
- Hey.
You ok, there, sweetheart? Yeah.
Just, uh, it won't turn over.
I think it's the carburetor.
I Yeah.
No, it's not the carburetor.
I'm pretty sure it's the carburetor.
Yeah.
No, there's no carburetor in this car.
It's fuel-injected.
Gimme a sec, and I'll go get my code reader.
Code - Hey, tom.
- Hey.
Hey.
- What's wrong? - You fix it? Um, almost.
Uh, just Yeah, was it the carburetor? carburetor it doesn't have a carburetor, assholes.
- fuel-injected.
- really? Well, listen, mr.
Goodwrench, jimmy the jew witnessed your little father knows best routine with colleen the other night.
Yeah.
That's gonna seriously hamper us gettin' the black probie.
We--we don't-- - what am i supposed to do? - We gotta do somethin'.
Otherwise, you're playin' basketball, and that's somethin' I don't wanna see.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Out of my way, boys.
It'll take me 2 seconds.
Hey, did you guys take my code reader out of my locker? 'Cause that's the last place I saw it.
- Code reader? - Yeah.
Hey, here.
Let me give you a hand with that.
Um, wow.
This is a lot different than mine.
- Mine's, uh - Not real? No.
I don't wanna get in your way.
It's your machine, so Wow.
That's awesome.
Thanks.
I know how I am with my code reader.
Well, all right.
So, I decided I'm gonna give you another chance since you were so thoroughly pussified the other night on our first date.
- Pussified? - Yeah.
He had to be in by 11:00.
And then I went to kiss him, and he just kept talking through the kiss, and I've-- I've actually never have had that happen before.
I was talking before you came in for the kiss.
You were on your way in, and I was, like, midsentence, and that's--you-- when you made contact.
Wow, you must've really had somethin' important to say, huh? We were--we had a discussion going on.
- We were having-- - Oh.
Oh, look, unless you were talking about a cure for cancer, - you're gonna lose this argument.
- Yeah.
All right, fellas, promise me something.
If he misses the date that I'm about to him offer him, please bust his balls forever.
If he misses the date, it's a ball-busting bonanza.
- Just like I thought.
- What? You have a pinched vacuum line.
- Oh, you know, I-- - These are--these are so pretty.
I thought it was pinched.
Ok.
Yeah.
It's nice.
All right.
Well, turn it over.
- Ah, very nice.
- Very impressive.
Nice work.
He actually thought this thing had a carburetor.
Carburetor.
What an asshole.
- What? - What? All right, so we're on, right? - yup.
- For tonight? - Yeah.
- No excuses.
- No.
- Right?I'm pickin' you up.
See ya, princess.
- All right.
- First stop.
Ok.
What's it gonna take to keep the princess thing quiet? Hey.
Don't--don't you start.
Listen, do you know what you're doin' to your mother, huh? Do you have any idea? Huh? Not to mention me.
And your baby sister, who you're setting a horrible example for.
- Stop.
- Stop what? I came here to talk to you.
I'm not gonna stop.
- You're making it worse, dad.
- I'm making it worse.
How much worse can it get? Huh? - Dad.
- What? I'm in love with him.
You're in love with him.
Do you wanna talk, or what? Well, what--what am I supposed to do here? Buy us something.
So you're blackmailing me.
Ok, you know what?Stop just lecturing me and do something practical.
We need a lot a stuff.
Tony's in a band.
He doesn't make a lot of money.
I'll buy you a couple of lamps, and you call me and your mother every 2 or 3 days.
Yeah, ok, that'll cost you a couple more than lamps.
Just-- gotta buy us a bed, too.
I'll buy you 2 lamps and a-- and a bed, and you call me and your mother every 2 or 3 days.
Deal.
What the hell's on the back of your pants? Well, that was fun.
Yeah.
You know, I'm more of a darts guy, really, than a pool guy.
It probably explains the, uh, ass beating you gave me on the pool table.
I mean, not that I--you know, I mean, I--I can Yeah? Handle myself.
Hey.
Oh.
Wow.
- I didn't, um-- - Stop talking.
No.
I--just wanted to say how soft your - Stop.
- Jeans--ok.
yeah.
Uh Oh, yeah.
- This workin' for you? - Yeah.
You sure about that? Yeah, yeah.
Just - what? - No, it's not.
No, it's just gonna take a couple more minutes.
That's all.
- No, it's not.
- No.
You're sure that you, uh-- you pulled me out of that fire, right? - No.
- Really? Yeah, it was, uh--it was 4 of us.
We dragged you out and, uh-- - actually, I didn't even do anything.
- Really? Yeah, and then--then I yelled dibs to give you mouth to mouth, because your lips were just so luscious, and you're just so hot.
You hard yet? No, because I--I think you're lyin' to me.
You were lying to me.
I knew it.
You know, zip up.
Get out.
- Should I call you? - No! Just--just go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's it going? Just another wonderful day joined at the hip with the screamer.
Got him.
Got him.
Got him.
Got him.
Hey.
Oh, my god.
Why does he do that? I don't know.
I was expecting you home hours ago.
Yeah.
I, uh-- I stopped to talk to colleen.
- You did? - Yeah.
You know, I just-- I don't know.
I thought I'd--I'd stop by and have a conversation, and I ended buying my way back into a semi-relationship.
Yeah, I made a purchase for her and nose-ring boy, but she did end up talkin' to me, so-- still thinkin' that she's my, uh, little girl, which of course I know she's not, but Ohh.
I know.
I know what you mean.
Um, you hungry? I could eat.
Ok.
I have some leftover lasagna.
What's goin' on? - Daddy.
- What'd you do? - I cut myself.
- Ok.
Let me see.
All right, what were you doin'? I was cutting some construction paper.
- With the big girl scissors, right? - Well, yeah.
Honey, I know that you're a big girl, but what did I say? Even big girls sometimes use the little girl scissors, because they're just not as sharp.
Right? Here.
All fixed.
You forgot something.
What? Ok.
- Thank you, daddy.
- All right.
Your food's ready.
Come sit.
At least I can still kiss a boo-boo away.
Talent I didn't know that I still had, but apparently I do.
What? I think that it's really sweet that you went to see colleen, you made that effort.
Well, well, you know, I You're a good dad.
I'm--I'm all right.
Ok, I'm just gonna--I'm gonna say it and put it out there.
Ok, you can laugh, whatever, but, um, for katy's sake and for his sake, maybe we should try again.
How--how would we, um I don't know.
I mean, maybe we could see someone, you know, a therapist, and get them to assess our relationship and see if it makes any sense for us starting again.
Yeah.
I--you know, I mean, if-- I'm willing to try it.
Ok.
Let's do it.
What? What? Ahh, just that little exchange kind of got the, uh, engine runnin'.
We have kids in the room.
Right.
Right.
Ok.
Where am I? What's that? - Oh, this? - Yeah.
A bottle of vodka.
Found it sittin' behind the toilet.
- Well, is it empty? - No.
Then leave it there.
The next time I'm on the can and I want a drink, I don't want to have to reach back and come up empty.
Ohh.
Oh, my head.
What's your problem? You came home blitzed out of your mind last night, and I had a nice dinner ready for us, and you pass out, ok? You think maybe you're-- you're drinkin' a little too much, maggie? - Am I drinking right now? - No.
Then that answers that.
And don't move my babies, sean.
- There are others? - Yeah.
There's one under my side of the bed for after sex.
There's one in the computer drawer for when I'm on the computer, and there's-- there's one right here for when I'm watching tv.
You know what? I'm really tired of being married to an alcoholic, ok? You need help.
You're a drunk.
And you're an idiot, but i don't rake you over the coals for it.
My being an idiot is not a choice.
And neither is my being a drunk.
It's genetic.
If it bothers you, talk to my father.
I want a divorce.
Things gotta change around here, or i want a divorce, ok? I am so sick and tired o-of you living in some drunken parallel universe while I'm back here on planet earth trying to make this marriage work.
You want a divorce, I'll give you a divorce.
It's the least I could do for all the trouble I've caused you, sean.
You've got yourself a divorce.
No, no, no, wait.
I--I had a whole speech planned, maggie.
I was just gettin' started.
I-- I-- parallel universe, blah, blah blah.
Planet earth.
I mean, it takes--you know, it takes two to tango, maggie.
- Is that a crib sheet, sean? - Yeah.
This relationship is never gonna work.
I'm done.
I'll have my cousin eddie draw up the papers.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit.
Uh, vomiting.
Next on my list, by the way.
Vomiting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Surprise! - Hey.
Surprise.
- What's goin' on? - Got a little baby gift.
- Oh.
Cool.
- Yeah.
Um, did eddie call you? I didn't check my cellphone.
Why? Then I am also the bearer of good news.
Um, the insurance company is settling! - Oh, really?Wow.
- Yeah.
They're gonna cut us a check by the end of the week, and we are also off the hook in terms of that whole, uh, going to jail and shit.
That's awesome.
That's great.
I know.
Great.
Well, thanks.
Oh.
Is it safe? It's not, really.
Janet just ran to the store-- she's gonna be back in, like, maybe 5 minutes.
What are you--wait.
- I just wanna look at him.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You remember troy.
Troy.
Sorry.
Hey.
How you doin'? - Great.
- Yeah? - Cool jeans.
- What? Cool jeans.
- Great.
- Be careful.
Oh, my--look at--he's so gorgeous.
He's the most gorgeous little thing I've ever seen.
- Aw, look at that.
- Give me that.
G-star? G-star? - What? - The jeans.
G-star.
I don't know.
My wife gets them for me.
Yeah.
Cute, right? He's so cute.
Yeah, and I--really, I gotta get him down for his nap.
Oh, no, no, no.
He just woke up.
No, but he--he--he takes 2 naps, one right after the other.
It's--you ask any doctors.
It's a big thing now.
It's called double-napping.
The first nap is like a nap nap, and the second one's like a power nap, so can I--come on.
Give him to me.
Got, uh, something to drink? No.
That's why my wife went to the store, because Oh, that's fine.
I'll have water.
Water.
You want water.
There's water.
Why don't you help yourself to the water.
- Come on, before-- - Don'T.
Get off.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Look.
Sheila dropped by.
This is, uh, sheila's new boyfriend, uh, derek.
Derek? Dennis.
I'm sorry.
Dennis.
- Troy.
- Troy.
- This is troy.
- Troy.
And they, uh--they brought a, uh, gift for the baby.
It's just like a--I don't know what it is.
So you two seem to be getting along famously.
Oh, yeah.
I have the baby magic.
- Ok.
- Oh, no, no.
- Yeah.
- No, let me take the baby.
Hold it.
Ok, let go of auntie sheila's hair.
- No.
- There we go.
Aw, he gets a little cranky at lunch.
Um, it's time for his nap.
- No, he just had it.
- Yeah, no, his second nap.
It's the power nap.
Tommy told me-- No, no.
I said he was hungry.
That's what I said.
Here.
Here.
Here you go.
A soda.
Did you guys come up with a name yet? No.
No.
Not yet.
We're still workin' on that.
- How about derek? - What? Derek.
Great name.
Yeah, that's totally weird that you guys haven't come up with a name.
- Well-- - I bet you think that's weird.
Here.
Why don't--can I just-- let me help you.
Hi, boo-boo.
Honey, the--the, um, insurance company settled the suit, - so that's good news.
- That's, uh, wonderful news.
Yeah.
G-star? What? The jeans on this guy.
G-star? I--I don't remember.
Ok, um, you know what? Let me just--I'll take the baby.
Ok, thank you so much for the good news and the gifts, and it was very nice meeting you, dennis.
Oh, it--uh Honey That's J Hon.
Um, that baby hates her.
He has gas.
So, tommy, um, you are-- you're kind of like a hero to, uh, me and a lot of the guys at my house.
Yeah? And, uh, you did a-- a bucket-leap rescue a few years back.
I've done quite a few of 'em, yeah.
Yeah, well, this one in particular, we saved the clipping from.
It's on our board in the kitchen and everything.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
I was just wondering if maybe you could do me the favor of signing it for us.
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Yeah, he loves you.
- He talks about you-- - That's not--we don't need to-- ok.
That's just.
What do you want it to say? Um, "to troy" Yeah.
Um, "and everybody at oyster cove your buddy, tommy.
" All right.
What are you doing? Hey.
Hey.
Just wanted to feel the material.
- It's jeans.
- You know what? We gotta go, because I actually forgot to put quarters in the meter, - so we're gonna-- - Yeah.
Ok.
- Whatever.
- Ok.
Come on.
- Can I take the-- - Yeah, yeah.
Tommy.
Thanks.
It's great.
Mikey, what the hell's the matter with you? Mikey? You ok? Mikey? I'm a grown man.
I don't-- I don't even know how to use a dryer.
She did everything for me, you know, guys, and I never even thanked her.
I mean, I thanked her.
You know, like, I said, "thanks, mom," but they were just words.
I didn't really mean it, you know? I just said it so she'd do it again, like make my bed or cook me breakfast or pick out my clothes.
Lou, you make one gay joke, and I swear-- Mikey, I'm not gonna make a gay joke.
What, then? It's all right.
Can't believe you, uh, ahem, didn't make one gay joke during that whole little monologue.
Well, jesus, tom.
Kid just lost his mother, you know? Can we not give him a little bit of time? All right.
So first thing tomorrow morning? Oh, yeah.
We attack at dawn.
- Oh, ok.
- Engine.
How many gay jokes do you think you have? Oh, I got, like, a dozen right in the bag.
Hey, you guys know they cremated, uh, jerry's body today.
- Yeah.
- Where should we put him, guys? I don't know.
Someplace appropriate.
I say we put him in the can.
Well, what about the gambling money? Not that can, asshole.
I'm talkin' about the shitter.
I say stall number one.
I think that was always his personal favorite.
Yeah, well, except it's my favorite, too, and what if I wanna take a shit in there? I may not want the chief staring at me, making my ass tighten up.
Well, then, young mr.
Garrity, I would suggest you load up on bran.
- Yeah.
- Maybe prune juice.
- Yeah.
- Why?Does that make you shit? Guys.
Yeah, prune juice makes you shit.
Tommy, where you takin' us? There it is, guys, down there.
See it? - Round the corner.
- Aw, yeah.
All right, ladder 62 to battalion.
We've got some, uh, medium smoke up here on 2.
Yeah.
- It's seepin' out, boys.
- Here she is.
- You got this, franco? - Here's that bitch.
- I got it.
- Jesus holy christ.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna need a line up here.
- All right.
- Shit.
Run a line up on 2, chief.
Thank you.
I'll get a line in to you.
Where are you? - All right, where are we now? - Franco, you got it? Yeah.
Say again.
- You know where you're goin'? - Yeah, yeah.
Jesus christ.
Where are you?! - Ok, where are we now? - It's this way.
It's straight.
No, no, no, no, no.
Right here.
Follow me.
I'm gettin' the feeling a giant piece of cheese is about to Yeah.
Fall on my head at the end of this maze.
Get the door.
I don't think that's right.
Oh, shit.
Goddamn bitch.
Come on.
Get your ass out, boys.
All right, boys.
Shit.
Goddamn knee.
- You all right? - Ahh.
Yeah.
Goddamn it.
All right, boys.
Are we all right? Hang on.
Hang on.
Hold on.
Tommy's knee.
Are we good to go? One second.
Let's go.
Come on.
Let's get the hell at it.
Goddamn it, somebody copy.
Yeah, ladder 62 to battalion.
We need some lines up here.
Run some lines right away.
I'll get a line in to you.
Where are you? Up to the left.
- To the left.
To the left.
- Yeah, yeah.
Guys, where are you? - Yeah, nothin'.
- Shit.
How 'bout down there? Where the hell are we? Guys, I'm runnin' out of air.
- You are? - Yeah.
Shit.
Got about 10 minutes left in this tank.
We gotta get the hell out of here.
Come on.
Wanna check down that hall? What do you got, tom? Tommy, find me somethin', - 'cause we ain't got shit down here.
- Franco, how's your air? - I'm runnin' low.
How's it goin'? Franco's got low air.
Guys, hang on.
- Aw, christ.
- You all right? Are you all right? He lost his tank.
Oh, goddamn it.
Come on.
Get it off.
- You all right, t? - Yeah.
- Can you breathe? - Goddamn.
I screwed up my knee.
- All right.
- Aw, shit.
You all right to walk? - We gotta get out of here.
- All right.
Let's go.
- I got no air.
- All right.
Aw, shit.
Talk to me, tommy.
- Hang on.
- Back the way we came.
All right, all right.
We good? Yeah.
Uh, down here.
Yeah.
Guys, where are you? I got it.
I got it.
Aw, thank god.
Aw, goddamn it.
I lost a glove.
- Where the hell are we? - I don't know.
Aw, man.
We're officially lost right now.
- Shit! - we were here before.
- Where the hell are we?! - I don't know.
Where's mikey? - What? - What? Where's mikey? - Where the hell is he? - I thought he was with you guys.
- Mikey! - Mikey! All right, all right.
Siletti, where are you?! Calm down.
Calm down.
Check around here.
See if that's a way out.
Hey, see if that's the way out.
- No? - Nothin'.
Nothin'.
- Got him on the walkie? - Talk to me, tom.
Somebody copy.
Aw, christ.
It's worse down here, guys.
Place is like a maze.
I think it's out this way, so everybody get low.
- Yeah.
- Get low! - Oh, shit.
- Should i send somebody in? Wait, tom.
Tom, it's not right.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Listen.
Listen.
Here.
- Let's go.
- Ok, down there.
Answer me, goddamn it! We got one! - Walk away from the door.
- Move away from the door.
De la puerta.
- Oh, shit.
- Aw, christ.
Jesus.
I don't know, tommy.
Looks like her water broke.
Franco, what is she sayin'? She's sayin' she's droppin' for real.
This baby's comin' right now.
Guys, we got 2 minutes before this room is engulfed in flames.
We got 2 minutes.
We gotta get her out of here.
Seano, help us out here.
Let's see what's goin' on there, will ya? You're not squeamish, are you? No.
I don't-- I don't think so.
Check it out.
No te preocupes.
Esta bien.
Aw, great.
That's perfect.
So goddamn dependable.
Tommy, you get down here.
You take care of this.
Put that under her head.
All right.
Go ahead.
Take a look.
No, go ahead.
Go ahead.
You-- you got kids.
What--I didn't deliver my kids.
Come on.
I know nothin' about birthin' no babies.
Come on.
You do it.
- I'll be right here.
- That's--that's great.
I'll be right here.
I'll-- I'll assist.
I'm here for the assist.
Go ahead.
Oh, god.
All right, push, push, push, push, push.
You got it? It's gonna be fine, ma'am.
It's gonna be fine.
All right.
All right, here's the baby.
Oh, my god.
All right, hold this-- hold still.
Hold still.
Ok.
Got it.
Got it.
Hold still.
Ahh.
All right, the cord is cut.
You're gonna be fine.
Guys!Let's go, guys! I got a search line! - Probie! - Yes! Let's go, guys.
Grab the baby.
Franco, you got her.
Sean, up.
Huh? Come on.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
- We're ok? - Come on.
Yeah, we're fine.
- We're all right? - Yeah, we're fine.
- Is the baby good? - The baby's fine.
They're naming it after you, ok? What?They're namin' the baby sean? No, they're naming it dickhead.
Let's go.
So thank you for squeezing us in.
I know that you're probably busy.
No worries.
So, what can I help you with? Well, uh, we're not really married.
You know, we sort of-- we're sort of split up.
Yeah, a couple times, but-- But we--we've never really made the divorce final.
- Um, so we're sort of at a crossroads.
- Yeah, crossroads.
And we're thinking of maybe making another attempt to save the marriage.
- Great.
- Yeah.
So why don't you give me a little recent family history so I know what we're dealing with.
- Um, high school sweethearts.
- That's true.
Yeah.
Um, dated, had sex, got pregnant, got married.
- Blah blah blah.
- Yeah.
The early years were good Yeah, pretty good.
I thought they were great.
Well Then we kind of drifted apart.
He was always emotionally absent because of his job.
I'm a firefighter, so you have to keep all emotions and all that crap at bay, you know.
You know, so he would work all day and come home, but he wouldn't talk about work.
Yeah, this-- And I felt closed off, and i didn't feel like having sex.
Yeah.
This went on for a while.
- Yeah, 7 1/2 years.
- Shit, really? - Yeah.
- Can I say, "shit"? - Uh, that's fine.
- Yeah.
Shit.
So, um, we split up, and then he rented the place across the street from us so he could be near the kids, and, um, also to keep an eye on me to watch who I was dating.
Yeah.
You should have seen that group of guys.
Couple of winners in there, like that guy roger.
Oh, yeah, who swore that you tried to burn his face off on your stove.
I--I can't even--I don't even cook, ok, so I don't know what he's talkin' about.
Anyway, she takes the kids, the furniture, the money, everything, goes to ohio, ok? That's not--not a good moment, but I came back.
Yeah.
I tracked her down.
- Yes, and I came back.
- Yeah.
You came back.
And then he decided to start dating the widow of his cousin who died in 9/11.
- Ok.
- Yeah.
And then she gopregnant.
Ok, I didn't decide.
It just happened, ok? - Didn't decide.
- Ok, what are we, grade 6? She--she either had a miscarriage, or she had an abortion.
I don't know which.
But anyway, she didn't have that baby.
She's a little But then she got pregnant because she was sleeping with my--my brother, but I'm pretty sure that's my baby, because we were having an affair while she was having the affair with my now dead brother.
And then, um, our son was killed by a drunk driver.
Yeah, and who my uncle, um, then shot.
You might've read about that.
That was in the papers and stuff.
And the rape.
Right.
But we don't-- we don't have time to go into that right now.
So we've been through a lot.
But, you know, we feel like there's still some - Passion.
- Passion left, so So what do you think? One second.
Uh, dick, don weiss.
You got me, almost.
God, I almost fell for it, you rotten bastard, but then it just went way over the top.
I mean, it just got a little too crazy with the dead son and the killing of the drunk driver, and the-- really? Don't mess with me, dick.
Really? I'll call you later.
I, uh--you know, I don't really have the kind of time that you're gonna need.
Hey.
How's it goin' on the jimmy the jew front? You know, it doesn't make sense.
I mean, the guy's a total shit stain.
There should be stories galore.
What do you got so far? He put an addition onto his kitchen without the proper permits.
He's got a half a dozen unpaid parking tickets.
He's got a D.
U.
I.
From about 10 years ago.
The rumor is he strangled his neighbor's dog for crapping on his lawn.
Jesus, without the kitchen thing, that could be me.
- Or me.
- You got nothing, lou.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
I'm going over there later.
I'm gonna confront him, and either I find something good by then, or I'm just gonna start makin' shit up.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
How's it going, kid? Yeah, not so good.
Well, well, well.
Franco.
Look, I should let you know right now that I'll want to continue working, and I'm keeping my maiden name.
This is a honey.
This must've set you back, huh? When'd you get that? Last night after work.
Sold my goddamn jeep to get it.
And yet somehow it didn't find its way onto a finger.
Yeah.
I just--I don't know, ken.
You know, I-I'm really conflicted.
I mean, the closer I get to getting toasted on this job, the more I end up thinkin' about natalie and how much I love her more than any other girl before, and it's all romantic and everything, but on the other hand, it's marriage.
I'm shittin' my pants.
Which tends to ruin the romance part you mentioned earlier.
I mean what do I know about marriage? Hey, look, you know, what does anybody know? But you know what?You want to take the plunge, you do a little quick and easy research.
You go to someone who's happily married, get his take on it.
Go to someone who's not happily married.
Let him weigh in.
And what about you, lou? You were married, right? Yeah, to a dirty, filthy, little, bloodsucking whore.
I promise you, you're gonna wanna jump out of a goddamn window.
You know, you're gonna wake up one morning.
I mean, I don't wanna compare, you know, natalie to maggie, 'cause maggie's insane.
She's a psychopath.
But, natalie, you know, you never know-- - Hey.
- Who-- Hey.
What are you guys talkin' about? Hey, we were just--we were just talkin' about marriage.
You're talkinto him about marriage? Yeah.
This is the guy who's married to my lunatic sister.
You know what? She wants a divorce.
You were warned, ok? Take a hike.
Go.
- We're talking-- - Take a walk.
Jesus christ.
What, are you lookin' for-- I'm just looking for a positive take on marriage, tommy, but apparently I'm out of luck, huh? Well, no, actually, you're not.
I'm the perfect guy for you right now.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I mean, all these years, I been talkin' about janet and how crazy she is and how illogical and nonsensical and how she never, ever's gonna be satisfied with anything.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, and it turns out, uh, I was right.
- Really? - Yeah.
But it's not just her.
It's pretty much all women.
That's what I--yeah.
But the problem is I was approaching it the wrong way.
Yeah.
I was thinkin' about, you know, me and sex and-- by the way, the sex thing is the key.
It's-- sex really has nothin' to do with marriage.
It's tits, ass, sex.
Just throw that out the window.
The key stuff is listening.
You gotta be able to listen and-- and have long conversations that you remember.
Um, hugging.
- Hugging? - Yeah.
Hugging is a big one.
Um, buying furniture and, uh, what's the other one? Spooning.
Yeah.
Ok, now let me get this straight.
You, ok, tommy gavin, one of the all-time, hall-of-fame-type pussy hounds in the history of the F.
D.
N.
Y.
In my opinion, you are tellin' me that I should forget about ass, forget about tits, forget about sex, and focus on, uh, caring and sharing and listening and-- and hugging and-- - Sp-spooning.
- Right.
I mean, this is, uh-- this is what's makin' your marriage work? Yup.
That and the fact that my dick apparently doesn't work with any other women.
It really sucks.
But you know, if I were you, I'd pull the trigger as fast as I can, pal.
Get yourself hitched.
What do you want? I wanna talk to you about a couple things.
- Can I come in? - No.
What do you want? What, are you rummaging through your hitler memorabilia again? Not funny.
Hey, is that mike merrit's car over there? Yeah.
His brother lives across the street.
- Why?What? - Small world.
I think he's about to get a ticket.
Hey, I'm serious.
Hey.
You goin' home, bro? Uh, yeah, in a little bit.
Listen, uh, you mind if i stay with you for a couple days? Why? Well, you know, you've been feelin' kinda bad, and you know, you're all alone in that big house.
I thought it be kind of scary for you, maybe I'd come and hang out with you, you know, lift your spirits a little.
That's really cool, sean.
I forgot, like, what a good friend you can be.
Plus I might be getting a divorce.
You name me one firefighter in town who doesn't have at least a half dozen parking tickets outstanding at any one given time.
Oh, uh, how about this nice little addition you put on to your kitchen without getting one single permit? So you're telling me all the construction jobs you do with your crew on the side, you got all the proper permits for those? Oh, goddamn it, jimmy.
I want that probie.
You guys have a solid basketball team.
You've won 5 out of the last 8 division championships.
Well, then share the wealth a little bit? Where's your sense of sportsmanship? I never heard of it.
Get out.
Well, can't blame a guy for trying.
- Bless you.
- Thanks.
All right, look.
One--one last final offer, ok? Your roof could use some serious repairs, ok? You hand me over the probie, I'll come over here with my crew, brand-new roof.
It's not gonna cost you one penny.
How's that? Bless you.
Bless you.
Thank you.
And how are we today, mrs.
Merrit? Fine.
Just a little chilly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'd imagine.
Um, look, I'm gonna go back, uh, to the firehouse.
I gotta find a locker for my new probie.
Bye now.
- Mrs.
Merrit.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Oh.
Are those for me? Yep.
What's, um--hey-- goin' on? Well, um, and this is for you.
Where, um--where's katy? Uh, katy's at a pajama party.
And I gave him a jameson- benadryl combo.
A teaspoon of each, and we're down and out.
Had a little jamedryl.
Um, ok.
Uh, jesus christ.
What's wrong, honey? Nothin'.
There's, uh, not a heck of a lot goin' on down there.
No.
Wait.
- Shit.
- Oh, my god.
This is it.
This is the end of the line.
Wh-what? Yeah.
No, I've heard about this.
- All right, but what-- - honey-- Tommy, you have never, ever not gotten it up for me.
Honey.
Just--I--we just need to-- what? Tommy.
I get wet.
You get hard.
You get hard.
I get wet.
That's the deal.
I know.
And that's been the deal for 20-some years.
It may as well have been our marriage vows.
I know.
I know.
So I just came home.
I just--you know-- what? My cousin suzy.
- Oh, jesus christ.
- Yes.
Yes.
She woke up one morning, and her husband just didn't have it for her anymore.
Honey, she gained 75 pounds in 6 months.
- She wasn't even pregnant, ok? - That's not the point.
- What's the point? - The point is it's done.
That--that thing, that chemistry, we don't have that thing anymore.
- You don't have that thing for me anymore.
- I do.
My thing is just having a-- You have never not gotten hard for me.
It's just--I--it's not you.
- It's not? - It's just some kind of--no.
It's some--I don't know, mental thing.
It happened the other night.
- I'm sure it's just a-- - Excuse me? - What? - What?The other night? The other night.
You--you fell asleep.
He was still up.
I put him to bed.
I'm sitting out here by myself.
I'm horny.
You're asleep.
So I'm watchin', uh, cinemax.
And, uh, that movie with, uh, um-- what's her name?She looks like you.
Michelle pfeiffer and peter gallagher.
You know what?I cannot believe that you are trying to have sex with someone else when we're going through this.
Honey, she basically attacked me.
Shit.
Ok, hang on, pal.
It was that chick who saved me in the fire.
I-- she's a brute.
I think she's on steroids.
Honey.
Can you pass me out the benadryl? It's over.
You know it.
okay I got you, I got you.
Yeah, yeah.
I know.
I know.
Proudly Presents Season 4 Episode 04 "Pussified"